Summary: Qui-Gon has no memory of the events in 'Aftermath' and
Obi-Wan attempts to hide the entire truth from him. The
mistrust between Master & Padawan threatens to tear them
apart.
Read below for the story so far unless you want to search the
archive & read the four stories that precede this one.....
Feedback: Well, you don't have to, but I'd certainly appreciate
it if you did.
Series: (1) The Lie, (2) Daen, (3) Bear the Consequences, (4)
Aftermath, (5) Misdirection, (6) All I Wanted to Say (coming
soon!)
I would like to thank Anne for her excellent comments regarding
head injuries and memory loss in general. Thank you also, K.G
for helping beta the story and for being quite ruthless with
the character analysis. And, of course, the delightful Malissa
suffered through yet another story of mine. She cut, she
hacked, she sliced. She is a Demon hunting down each and every
errant 'whilst' and 'clearly' and folks - you'd be scared at
how many she found.....
The story so far.....
In 'The Lie' a seventeen year old Padawan named Obi-Wan gives
his friends the impression he and his Master are lovers, and
nearly loses said Master over his lie. He befriends an old
lover of Qui-Gon's - one Daen Koran, Jedi Master.
In "Daen", a nineteen year old Obi-Wan asks an old friend to be
his first lover. Qui-Gon Jinn handles jealousy quite badly, but
when the truth becomes known, the Jedi Master's innate sense of
honour rises to the fore.
In "Bear the Consequences" Obi-Wan and his friend Valerin get
into trouble and Obi-Wan and his Master must both bear the
punishment. Valerin is expelled from the Temple and sent to the
AirCorps, and Qui-Gon Jinn makes love to Obi-Wan Kenobi for the
first time. The morning after, Obi-Wan misinterprets a
conversation he overhears and assumes the worst.
In "Aftermath" Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have been sent to Dantooine
on a mission, but are barely speaking to each other. Obi-Wan
has a little too much to drink after a night out dancing with
friends, and as he attempts (quite successfully) to seduce his
Master, he lets slip the awful truth - that he thought Qui-Gon
Jinn was still in a relationship with Mace Windu when Obi-Wan
and Qui-Gon made love. Qui-Gon demonstrates the difference
between making love and fucking, but when his anger quits him
he leaves in despair. While driving around the unfamiliar
planet, he is involved in an accident and is in a coma for
three days.
{Excerpt from Aftermath follows}
"On the fourth day a number of things happened. The dark
shadows under Obi-Wan's eyes deepened. Kellen and Nariah came
and left again, concerned for their friend but helpless against
his grim determination.
Qui-Gon Jinn opened his eyes and asked for a glass of water.
And Mace Windu arrived."
And now - the saga continues with 'Misdirection'
Qui-Gon Jinn was tired. His shoulder ached, the dressings
across his chest and abdomen itched, his head hurt.
In the hours following his emergence from the coma, Qui-Gon had
been conscious of the pain and the confusion - but more than
anything an overwhelming feeling that he was forgetting
something important.
He felt ... anxious. Irritable. There was something he was
missing here, and it gnawed at his conscious mind. What made it
worse was the confusing mental images that assaulted him at
random moments throughout the day. There was no logic to the
images; pain, sexual pleasure, happiness, anger, frustration,
joy. Obi-Wan figured large but none were clear enough for
Qui-Gon to understand what they meant. It was almost like
remembering a place he'd never been to; a conversation he'd
never had.
And then there was Obi-Wan's behaviour. His Padawan was
hesitant where once he had been confident - creeping around as
though the slightest misstep would bring a stream of abuse from
his Master. Qui-Gon did not appreciate being treated like an
ogre by his Padawan, and even more did not appreciate the very
clear knowledge that he was being lied to. Obi-Wan's version of
the events leading up to the accident wasn't glaringly
untruthful, but it was obvious he wasn't telling the full
story.
The sound of a door closing bought his attention back to the
moment. Mace had just left to report to the Council. Obi-Wan
removed his tray, with his mostly uneaten meal, and was
currently straightening up the bedsheets and the pillows with
customary gentleness. Qui-Gon grimaced as the muscles in his
side clenched automatically in anticipation of even the
slightest movement.
"Perhaps if you concentrated, Padawan, you might manage to
perform your duties without injuring me further." Qui-Gon's
tone was icy cold, and he took a guilty pleasure in seeing
Obi-Wan flush.
"My apologies, Master." Obi-Wan replaced the pillow behind his
Master's head carefully. Qui-Gon glared at him, silently daring
his Padawan to say the wrong thing. It irked him considerably
that Obi-Wan would hide the truth from him - whatever it was.
But right now he was tired. Again. He closed his eyes wearily
and within moments was asleep.
"The bond is there. But Qui-Gon's injuries have caused some
memory loss. He recalls little of the past few weeks - nothing
at all about his intimacy with Obi-Wan."
Yoda nodded thoughtfully at the holo-image of Mace Windu. The
Dantooine communications line was crystal clear.
"A problem, this is."
Mace Windu inclined his head in agreement.
"Yes. We were right about this mission. It was too soon. Kenobi
will tell me nothing of what has transpired between himself and
his Master, but it is obvious that there have been some serious
problems. When I left Qui-Gon, he was confident that he and
Obi-Wan wouldn't have any doubts about their bond. But there
was clearly a serious rift, possibly several days ago."
Yoda snorted derisively.
"Too arrogant, is Qui-Gon Jinn. Always to the moment, he looks
- never to the future. Think of the consequences of rushing off
he did not."
He sighed.
"Now, matters are worse."
Mace Windu raised an eyebrow as he looked into the viewscreen.
There was more to this than the personal problems of Qui-Gon
Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
It was Yareal Poof who enlightened him.
"The situation with the trade negotiations has worsened. We
were hoping to send Master Jinn and his Padawan to negotiate.
Another Jedi has been pulled from his current assignment to see
to it. This is not a convenient time for Master Jinn to be out
of commission."
If Mace Windu felt that particular comment to be redundant, he
did not allow the feeling to show.
"Qui-Gon shows rapid improvement, but it will be some time
before he is capable of returning to the field. With your
leave, my Master," this was directed to Yoda, "I will remain
here. If matters between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan become worse, they
may require a severance of the life bond they have formed."
Yoda nodded sadly.
"Unfortunate, that would be. Strong partnership they had.
Stronger it would be with a life bond."
The view screen flickered for a second before the communication
ended.
About the time Mace Windu was discussing Obi-Wan Kenobi's
personal life with the Council, Obi-Wan was attempting to
meditate in his room. In fact, he was brooding. He had left his
Master's hospital room as soon as Qui-Gon had drifted off to
sleep again, and was now back in their shared quarters.
When his Master had awoken from the three day coma and asked
for a glass of water, Obi-Wan had felt that nothing could have
made him happier. It didn't take long for his joy to turn to
disquiet. Certainly it was an incredible relief to have his
Master back again. The first couple of hours would probably
have been amusing if Obi-Wan hadn't been so tired and so
worried.
//"What happened? Why am I in a hospital bed?" Qui-Gon's voice
had been raspy with disuse.
"You were in an accident, Master. Your injuries were quite
severe, you've been in a coma for the past three days."
Qui-Gon would nod off for a few moments then come awake with a
start.
"Obi-Wan? What happened? Why am I in a hospital bed?"
"You were injured in an accident, Master ..."// And Obi-Wan
would explain again, only to repeat the process several more
times that first day. Then Mace Windu had arrived. The Council
member was an experienced healer, and in a few short hours he
had done more for Qui-Gon than Obi-Wan had done in three days.
But the pleasure of seeing his Master looking far healthier was
dimmed when he saw Qui-Gon's expression when Mace Windu had
appeared in the doorway.
With Mace, Qui-Gon Jinn was all warm glances and tired smiles.
His short term memory had been severely compromised by his
injuries, and it became clear very quickly that he had no
memory of making love to Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon clearly thought that
he and Mace were still lovers and every day since Mace had
arrived had been a trial on Obi-Wan's already frazzled spirit.
He was consumed with jealousy.
Knowing about his Master's past relationship with Mace Windu
put a new perspective on every touch, every look, every
low-voiced conversation. Obi-Wan hated Mace touching his Master
and it was an effort to maintain an air of disinterest when
Mace was around. What made it only marginally bearable was
Mace's palpable embarrassment at Qui-Gon's behaviour. The
apology Obi-Wan saw in Mace's eyes went a small way towards
soothing his battered psyche, but as the days had progressed
since Mace's arrival, the situation had only worsened.
Qui-Gon was suspicious. Even in his weakened condition, and
with the resulting confusion of the memory loss, it was clear
that Qui-Gon knew Obi-Wan was hiding something. Obi-Wan had
given a faltering description of the events leading up to the
accident, but as he'd completely left out the fight they'd had,
and the sex - it had been difficult to fill in the gaps
convincingly. Mace Windu had been there, which had only made it
harder.
//....you gave your permission and I went out with them."
"And?" Qui-Gon's question was impatient. Even from a hospital
bed he somehow managed to look and sound imposing. Obi-Wan
swallowed nervously, glancing around the room as though for
inspiration.
"I had a little too much to drink, Master. When I arrived back
at our quarters, we argued. You left. An aide from the
Senator's office arrived just under an hour later and told me
you'd been in an accident and were here. So I came and ...
well, that's all, really."
The look on Qui-Gon's face spoke volumes of his skepticism.
"Why would I leave? It was the early hours of morning, wasn't
it?"
Obi-Wan trained his gaze on the monitor above his Master's
head.
"I couldn't say, Master."
There was a long silence. Obi-Wan kept his eyes fixed firmly
about a foot above his Master's head, avoiding both Qui-Gon's
suspicious look and Mace Windu's raised eyebrow. The Council
member knew about their relationship and almost certainly
suspected that there was something more to Obi-Wan's story.
The silence continued until Obi-Wan risked a glance downwards.
There was a hard, suspicious look in his Master's eyes.
"Leave us." As dismissals went, this one was as frigid as
Obi-Wan had ever heard. He bowed his head politely.
"Yes, Master." As he left the room he was conscious of nothing
more than a feeling of relief....//
That feeling hadn't remained.
His Master had never been a good patient, but he had always
been courteous to the healers. Not so with Obi-Wan. He was
snappish all the time, finding fault in nearly everything
Obi-Wan did. After a day or two of peevish complaints from his
Master, Obi-Wan began to feel glad to leave the hospital room.
After the first few days, Master Windu made arrangements for
himself, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to be transported to a nearby
planet where they could recuperate in more pleasant
surroundings. The Jedi who had accompanied Master Windu to
Dantooine was to remain, to continue the negotiations.
Their trip was uneventful, as Qui-Gon slept through most of it.
Upon arrival Obi-Wan efficiently settled his Master into the
lavish suite provided by the Monarch while Master Windu
attended to matters of protocol.
He then found a quite place in the gardens to meditate.
There was no way of knowing if Qui-Gon would ever remember the
events leading up to his accident. Obi-Wan was damned either
way. If Qui-Gon did remember, he would be consumed with guilt
at having taken his Padawan in anger. But even if he never
recalled what happened, he knew enough to know that Obi-Wan was
hiding something from him. Obi-Wan was incapable of lying to
Qui-Gon. The distrust between them was eating away at their
relationship as Master and Padawan, and it seemed highly
unlikely he'd have another chance to take their relationship
further.
Their night of lovemaking had been more wonderful than anything
his wildest fantasies could have created. And somehow, that
made it worse. Before he'd been with Qui-Gon, before he'd even
known Qui-Gon was in a relationship, Obi-Wan had been used to
accepting the fact that he would never have his Master.
Qui-Gon's choice to be celibate wasn't a rejection of Obi-Wan,
after all, it was a lifestyle choice.
It had hurt to discover that Qui-Gon had been in a relationship
for more than a decade. But the searing streak of jealousy that
followed was even harder to deal with. For a short time he'd
had to deal with the thought that Qui-Gon just didn't want him
that way.
And then, quite suddenly, every wish he'd ever had on the
subject came true. On his back in Qui-Gon's bed, Qui-Gon's
mouth on his, Qui-Gon's body hard and thrusting against him,
over him, inside him ... it was too much to ask that he have
that for just one night and then never again.
It wasn't enough.
Obi-Wan meditated for a long time, using the Force to
understand his true path. Hours later he rose from his position
kneeling on the floor, disgusted with his inability to seek
clarity. It seemed the harder he pushed, the more elusive the
answers became. He could hardly go to his Master for help,
which left ... Obi-Wan snorted to himself softly as he pictured
the look on Master Windu's if he asked him for help in sorting
out his relationship with Qui-Gon Jinn. Where it left him was
alone. The most important person in his life didn't trust him
and Obi-Wan was beginning to feel terribly afraid that he would
lose more than a lover. How could any Master train a Padawan he
couldn't trust?
"You must be mistaken." Qui-Gon's voice was firm.
Mace Windu shook his head.
"There was no mistake, Qui-Gon. You and Obi-Wan became lovers
the night before you were sent to Dantooine."
Qui-Gon paled.
"Why can't I remember, then?"
Mace was sympathetic.
"It's a normal after-effect of head injuries. You were
extremely fortunate the effects weren't far worse. Obi-Wan did
an excellent job of keeping your injuries to a minimum before I
could arrive and complete the healing."
Mace parked Qui-Gon's wheeled chair underneath a shady tree in
the gardens surrounding the Palace. Qui-Gon could rest
comfortably for a few hours in the fresh air before Mace
returned him to his room in the Palace.
"He didn't say anything."
"I'm not surprised. You didn't remember anything of the past
few weeks. Obi-Wan probably found it difficult reminding his
Master that he was not just a Padawan any longer, but a lover
also."
"How did......?" Qui-Gon was embarrassed to ask his former
lover this question, but he had to know.
Mace raised an eyebrow quizzically. "How did you become lovers?
It was long overdue. You've been in love with Obi-Wan for a
long time, after all."
Qui-Gon flushed angrily. "I am not in love with my Padawan,
Mace."
Mace was silent for a moment.
"You admitted as much to me not one month before I arrived at
your quarters to discover you'd spent the night with Obi-Wan."
Qui-Gon's voice was hard and his eyes shifted defensively away
from Mace's all-knowing gaze.
"Perhaps you misunderstood. In any case, Obi-Wan ..." his voice
trailed off as he was assaulted with a series of unwelcome
images. Obi-Wan being kissed by Daen, Obi-Wan flirting with
Valerin. Obi-Wan after a night of sex; heavy-lidded, a look of
sleepy satisfaction on his face. Qui-Gon raised a hand as
though to physically stop the images. Mace frowned.
"Are you ill, Qui-Gon?"
Qui-Gon Jinn gave a short laugh that was half sob and turned
away. After a deep breath he felt strong enough to continue.
"No. Tell me about this mythical night I had with Obi-Wan.
Where were you, for that matter?"
Mace moved to the front of Qui-Gon's chair and sat down on the
grass in front of him, knees up and his arms wrapped around
them. He watched Qui-Gon carefully for signs of fatigue or
distress.
"We spoke about your feelings for Obi-Wan and decided to cease
our physical intimacy. You and Obi-Wan were restricted to
Temple so you were able to spend some quality time with him. I
don't know how it came about, as I said, but you looked very
happy when I saw you the morning after. From what I could
gather, you and Obi-Wan had dined together in your quarters and
he stayed the night. We didn't have much of a chance to talk
about it, given the situation on Dantooine."
Qui-Gon sat silent. If Mace had told him he had sprouted
feathers in his sleep he could not have found it more difficult
to imagine. Obi-Wan was ... unattainable. Certainly, Obi-Wan
had suffered the usual crush on his Master, perhaps there was a
more than slight twinge of lust on occasion, but nothing more
serious than that. No matter what anyone said, Qui-Gon Jinn
knew there was no way in seven Hoths he would have made love to
Obi-Wan unless he expected a more lasting relationship. Like a
lifetime and beyond. Could Obi-Wan be in love with him? Had
that been the catalyst for their lovemaking? And if so, what
happened between the morning he'd seen Mace and their arrival
on Dantooine?
There was something else, too.
"Why were we restricted to Temple?"
Mace smiled to himself. Even exhausted and recovering from a
severe head injury Qui-Gon Jinn had a formidable intelligence.
He briefly explained the circumstances that had lead to the
restriction.
"You make it sound like it was my punishment, not Obi-Wan's,"
Qui-Gon's comment was wary. He knew Yoda and Mace too well to
immediately assume the obvious.
"A pity you couldn't have worked that one out when it
happened," Mace chuckled. "You were pushing yourself and
Obi-Wan so hard you couldn't see what was right in front of
you. The Council decided that you both needed some time off."
"Why?" Qui-Gon demanded.
Mace hesitated.
"Your report after Minoro. It was quite ... matter-of-fact. One
could almost think you were completely unaffected by what
happened there."
Qui-Gon stiffened.
"Should I have been affected? My Padawan lost his virginity -
it happens. Was I supposed to fall apart, Mace? Weep on your
shoulder, perhaps?" Qui-Gon asked savagely.
"The months that followed were what intrigued us the most.
Mission after mission, no break. We wondered why you felt it
necessary to push yourself and Obi-Wan so hard."
Qui-Gon snorted derisively.
"The Council assigns the missions, Mace. I go where I'm needed,
as do the other Jedi. Are you saying I'm the only one who
worked without a break for a few months?"
Mace was firm. "It wasn't a few months, Qui-Gon, it was more
than eight months. The Council sent you to Bnuge, but you took
it upon yourself to deal with the Corellian conflict. That's
not the point, though. Kampin, Geh'raste, Bnuge - these weren't
peaceful missions, Qui-Gon. No days spent debating around a
table, these were dangerous assignments. Civil war, kidnapping.
You fought your way to safety more times than I can recall; you
were wounded twice, Obi-Wan caught the Tarellian flu. Weeks
spent without sleep, proper food. How many times did you and
Obi-Wan have to live off the land?"
Qui-Gon looked away, stubbornly refusing to answer.
"Obi-Wan's training suffered, Qui-Gon. You admitted to me that
you hadn't meditated properly in months. Anyone could see your
controls were paper thin. Those of us who know you the best,"
here it was obvious he was talking about himself and Yoda,
"knew you were carrying another burden, too. You were in love
with Obi-Wan and in a constant state of denial. There was no
possibility of maintaining your own connection with the living
Force while you were lying to yourself in this way. It was only
a matter of time before something serious happened."
Qui-Gon sighed.
"Then whatever happened between Obi-Wan and myself was probably
my fault. Whatever Obi-Wan is lying to me about; perhaps he's
protecting me and not himself. What did I do to him, Mace? What
did I do to us?" The quiet question held a wealth of pain.
"Give him time, Qui-Gon. He'll tell you what happened and then
we can work on sorting it out."
Qui-Gon smiled tiredly. Right now he hadn't the strength to
stand up out of the chair, much less tackle something as
enormous as this. He struggled to stay awake, but exhaustion
overcame him and he eventually dozed off under the watchful eye
of his best friend and former lover.
While Qui-Gon and Mace talked in the gardens, Obi-Wan Kenobi
sat slumped in the chair beside his Master's empty bed.
Qui-Gon was improving rapidly, but was still very weak. His
impatience at the weakness was readily apparent, but never more
so than with Obi-Wan. It was their second day on Naboo and
Obi-Wan had yet to do something right for his Master. The food
was not to his liking, the bed linen full of wrinkles and
Obi-Wan too slow, too loud, too clumsy. Anyone who thought a
Jedi Master incapable of peevishness would have been educated
to the contrary, had they heard the petulant stream of
complaints from Qui-Gon when Obi-Wan tended to his Master.
Obi-Wan felt all of his good intentions before the accident
being rapidly eroded away. He was fast reaching the end of his
tether with Qui-Gon.
There was movement in the doorway, and Obi-Wan raised his head
tiredly. A mouth-wateringly gorgeous man, tall, dark-haired and
green-eyed, stood there smiling down at him.
It took a second for Obi-Wan's brain to work, but when it did
his face was transformed with a grin that lit up his entire
expression. He launched out of the chair and into the visitor's
arms in a second. There was delighted greeting and relieved
thankfulness sounding clearly in the name he spoke.
"Daen!"
For a long time he clung to his former lover, seeking a safe
haven from questions he didn't have the answers to. Finally, he
raised his head to meet Daen's worried gaze. The familiar
features were no less beautiful than they had been a year ago
and Obi-Wan was conscious of desire. He wanted to feel needed,
wanted. One hand threaded through the short hair at the back of
Daen's head as Obi-Wan raised his mouth to be kissed. Daen
didn't disappoint. His mouth met Obi-Wan's and the Padawan
groaned with the pleasure of it. He needed this so badly.
They kissed hungrily for several long moments, before Daen
pulled back and smiled.
"If I'd known I'd get this kind of welcome I would have come
far sooner, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan smiled without humour.
"I wish you had, Daen."
Daen frowned as he got a long look at Obi-Wan. The Padawan
looked exhausted.
"Come on, beautiful, you need looking after."
He took Obi-Wan by the arm and lead him to his own quarters.
Obi-Wan barely had time to appreciate the room before he was
bundled into the bathroom with fresh towels and Daen's own
spare tunic. A long shower and clean clothes did wonders for
his equilibrium and as he returned to the main room he realised
he was hungry.
Daen looked up as he entered the room, and motioned to a chair.
On the table was a platter of meats and cheeses, and Obi-Wan
could smell the freshly baked crusty bread that was in the
cloth-covered basket. He sat down and filled a plate.
"So, Obi-Wan. Are you going to tell me why it is that you look
like you've just done twenty rounds with an enraged Bantha?"
Obi-Wan gave a short laugh.
"I'm too hungry to be talking, Daen. Why don't I eat, and you
talk? I hear you've been battling the Sith?" Despite the
stresses of the past few weeks, Obi-Wan was genuinely
interested.
Daen nodded.
"The trade negotiations were a farce from beginning to end. I
was lucky, though, and it all worked out in the end. The Sith
was unexpected, though."
Obi-Wan reached for his drink and took a sip.
"I thought they were extinct."
Daen smiled humourlessly.
"Believe me, there were several times over this mission that I
wished they were."
Obi-Wan listened, fascinated, as Daen told of a Queen held
hostage, a pod race to win much needed parts for their ship, a
tiny army of Gunguns going up against the might of the Trade
Federation Droid Army and a small boy destroying the Droid
Control Ship.
He shook his head bemusedly.
"Now why is it that Qui-Gon and I never get missions like
that?"
Daen laughed.
The tale of Daen's battle with the Sith enthralled Obi-Wan. As a fighter, Daen was one of the best there was. He lacked the elegance and sheer power of Qui-Gon, but his time on the rim had given him an edge in other ways. Daen had the experience of fighting a vast range of opponents, and knew every dirty trick there was. While Obi-Wan's style was more acrobatic, and Qui-Gon relied on his strength and command of the force, Daen's style was a confusing conglomeration of both of those. It was clear that he had been well matched by the double-bladed saber of the Sith.
They had been talking for hours about the invasion of Naboo when Obi-Wan finally noticed how dim the room had become and realised it was past time for the evening meal. Qui-Gon would no doubt have been waiting for him for some time now, growing more annoyed by the minute.
"Oh, Sith," Obi-Wan swore when he noticed the time. "Qui-Gon's
going to be furious. Again."
"Again?" Daen looked curious as he watched Obi-Wan rise from
the table and head for the door.
"Don't ask." Obi-Wan favoured him with a tired smile as he
reached the door. "I have to enter the rancor pit again, but if
I'm still alive later on, I could come back."
"Definitely." Daen looked thoughtful. "Perhaps then you can
tell me what's going on between you and Qui-Gon."
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "At the moment we're working on
another form of Emotional Balance between Padawan and Master.
He gets angry at me, I apologise. I do something to set him off
again - like breathe - and he gets angry again, I apologise
again ... you get the drift, I'm sure."
Obi-Wan hesitated at the door. Daen smiled and then leaned over
to kiss him softly.
"See you later, then?"
Obi-Wan's answering smile was almost shy.
"Absolutely."
When he arrived back at Qui-Gon's rooms, Obi-Wan was relieved
to see that Mace Windu had arranged for dinner in his absence.
The remains of two meals were on the main dining table, and
Qui-Gon was sitting up on the couch talking to Mace.
"I apologise, Master - I lost track of time."
Qui-Gon looked up at his Padawan, taking in his appearance;
freshly showered, wearing a Jedi tunic two sizes too big; and
his mouth twisted derisively.
"I see you and Daen have met up, then?"
Obi-Wan stiffened at Qui-Gon's tone.
"We had lunch together and got talking about the situation here
on Naboo, Master. That's all." There was a snap to his tone
that wasn't missed by either his Master or Mace Windu, judging
from the Council member's raised eyebrow.
"And you'll be returning there this evening?"
Obi-Wan hesitated. He had promised Daen he would, and it would
be a relief to be out of his Master's presence, but then
Qui-Gon was no doubt recalling that Daen and Obi-Wan had been
lovers, and was drawing his own conclusions. For all Obi-Wan
knew his Master had no recollection of their lovemaking, it
still felt like a betrayal.
His voice was gentler as he replied.
"I told Daen I would, Master - but I will remain here if you
have need of me."
It was impossible to read the expression in his Master's eyes.
"Mace will remain tonight, Padawan. I have no need of you."
The words hurt, and oh!, they were meant to. Instantly, Obi-Wan
understood that Mace had told Qui-Gon about their relationship.
And Qui-Gon clearly thought that Obi-Wan would become Daen's
lover again less than ten days after he had become his Master's
lover. Obi-Wan met the cold gaze of his Master for a long
moment, hurt showing clearly in his eyes, before turning on his
heel and leaving the room. He took no leave of his Master or of
Master Windu. He just had to get out.
"That was a little harsh," Mace said carefully.
Qui-Gon was still staring at the door Obi-Wan had left through
moments ago.
"You said we became lovers, and yet here he is with Daen again.
It didn't take him long to find someone to replace me, did it?"
His tone was bitter.
"It's not as though you gave him a lot of encouragement to
stay. You've been brutal to the boy ever since I arrived. What
do you expect him to do?" Mace had always been one for plain
speaking.
Qui-Gon turned his gaze on his old friend and ex-lover.
"He's lying to me, Mace. I can feel Obi-Wan's guilt every time
he looks at me. Did he take another lover? How can I trust him
until I know what he's hiding from me?" Qui-Gon's voice spoke
of his frustration and anger.
Mace frowned.
"He hardly had the time to take another lover, Qui-Gon. And
just this afternoon you were convinced that you were the one at
fault! Stop making assumptions about what happened. When he's
ready, he'll tell you. And he's not going to be ready anytime
soon if you keep pushing him away like this."
Qui-Gon sighed, weariness overtaking him once more. He was
tired - again - and frustrated with his seeming helplessness.
The mental images that assaulted him infrequently were more
exhausting than he could believe, and he hated not being able
to trust his Padawan. He didn't want to think about the fact
that he and Obi-Wan had made love and he had no memory of that.
Harder still was the fact that Daen was here, on Naboo. Daen
had been Obi-Wan's first lover less than a year ago. If anyone
would take Obi-Wan from him, it would be Daen. If only he knew
what had happened!
Mace was helping him from the couch now, and into bed. It was
bliss to sink down between the cool sheets and lapse into
unconsciousness again. Awake, he could only think about
Obi-Wan.
Daen didn't look overly surprised to see Obi-Wan back at his
rooms less than ten minutes after he'd left. He ushered the
Padawan inside and sat him down on the couch. Obi-Wan looked
... shattered. Daen fetched two glasses of wine and waited
until Obi-Wan had collected himself before speaking.
"Tell me what happened."
"We made love." The bald statement carried with it a wealth of
hurt.
"Start at the beginning, Obi-Wan," Daen's voice was gentle.
And Obi-Wan told him.
"It started with Bnuge ..."
He spoke almost without inflection; a flat recitation of a
hellish eight months.
"... small armies of Geh'r began attacking the trade posts and
Qui-Gon and I had to try and mediate."
Obi-Wan glanced over to find Daen's eyes on him, empathy in the
green depths.
"We'd been going without respite since Bnuge. Added to that ...
well, you've always known how I feel about Qui-Gon. So many
times during that eight months I came close to losing him
completely, yet somehow we survived. I was tired of hiding it.
I hadn't had sex in months," here there was a tired smile in
Daen's direction, "and the memories weren't really enough to
sustain me for what followed."
"I heard there was a problem on Coruscant."
"The rumour mill at Coruscant never ceases to amaze me. Yes,
there was a problem. I went out with Valerin one night and got
into a fight. Qui-Gon and I were restricted to Temple. It
wasn't so bad, really. We finally had a chance to relax, catch
up on my training, get together with some old friends." There
was a pause as Obi-Wan recalled those idyllic weeks that seemed
so very long ago.
"And?" There was a quirk to Daen's mouth that told Obi-Wan the
Jedi Master knew what was coming.
"And then one night he asked me to dine with him. It was
probably the most wonderful night of my life. We made love and
I slept in his bed and for a few short hours, I was deliriously
happy." Obi-Wan's tone was self-mocking.
Daen leaned forward.
"So here's where it becomes interesting. What happened that
caused the rift between you?"
Obi-Wan flushed and bowed his head in shame.
"I overheard a conversation."
Daen winced.
"That doesn't sound promising."
"It was Mace Windu. I only heard part of the conversation but
from what I heard ... he and Qui-Gon were lovers. Had been for
ages. I ... misunderstood what I heard. I thought they were
still lovers, that perhaps Qui-Gon had slept with me because
... I don't know. It seemed so logical at the time. He'd known
of my feelings and this was his way of controlling things.
Showing me that even though we could have a sexual relationship
there didn't have to be anything more between us." Obi-Wan was
starting to sound a little desperate as he tried to convey his
thoughts from the time to Daen.
Daen was unimpressed.
"You honestly thought Qui-Gon would do that to you?"
"I don't know!" Obi-Wan yelled in frustration, hazel eyes
stormy. His anger faded, then, and only the sadness remained.
"I couldn't believe that he would actually want me. He could
have anyone - why would he ...?" Obi-Wan's words trailed off as
he fought to control the surge of self-pity that threatened to
swamp him. Daen said nothing, a raised eyebrow silent
encouragement to continue.
"Even as I woke in his bed there was a part of me that couldn't
believe it was true. It was like Bandomeer all over again. Back
then I wanted to be his Padawan desperately but he didn't want
me. He only took me out of pity. And this time I wanted to be
his lover. He knew I was in love with him, I'd all but told him
that much. I couldn't help wondering if he wasn't 'rescuing' me
again. And then I heard the conversation between he and Master
Windu and I knew I'd been right."
"So you confronted him about his relationship with Mace?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. There was a twist to his mouth that
spoke volumes of his self-disgust.
"No. I was cold and distant and trying hard to preserve my
dignity. Which made him cold and distant - we weren't
even speaking by the time we reached Dantooine. He spent the
entire day with the Senator, and I went out that night. Then
when I came back ..."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes as though to shut out images he didn't
want to see.
"I'd been drinking. I wanted him badly - I tried to seduce him.
And while I was doing that I let slip what I'd thought about
him. He was furious. More enraged than I've ever seen. He ..."
Daen frowned and there was more than a glint of anger in his
eyes.
"He what, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan crossed his arms and looked away.
"I don't want to talk about it."
Daen let the silence continue for a few moments.
"What happened, Obi-Wan?" His question was gentle.
Obi-Wan swallowed.
"He showed me the difference between making love and fucking.
He was so angry, Daen - but he didn't hurt me, or force me.
That's not the problem. The problem is that even though he
doesn't remember, he knows me well enough to know I'm not
telling him the whole truth. Now he's suspicious and
mistrustful, and he doesn't remember anything of the past
couple of months. He keeps getting these flashes; images, words
- but Master Windu says with head injuries as severe as his
it's unlikely he'll ever recall the events leading up to his
accident." Obi-Wan sounded more hopeful than positive on this
point, and Daen sighed.
"Oh, Obi-Wan. Firstly, there's no guarantee he won't remember.
And secondly, how are you going to regain his trust without
telling him the whole truth? I know you. You couldn't lie to
him to save your life."
Obi-Wan shook his head tiredly.
"I know. He hates being injured and he's frustrated by the
confusion and loss of memory. He knows there's something wrong
between us, and Mace has obviously told him we were lovers. I
don't know what to do, Daen. I love him more than life and I've
ruined everything between us."
The plea in his voice was something Daen would have to spend
some time thinking about. But, for now, there was an exhausted
Padawan on his couch who needed tending to.
"I don't have any answers for you now, Obi-Wan, but I'll think
about it. Right now you need sleep. Why don't you stay the
night?" The invitation held no sexual overtones, but Obi-Wan
was awake enough to realise the implications his staying out
all night would have for Qui-Gon.
"No - I have to go back. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
Daen went with him to the door, and dropped a kiss on his
forehead.
"Don't think too much, Obi-Wan. Go and rest - we'll work
something out, I promise."
Obi-Wan gave a grateful smile, and left.
Mace Windu stood beside his friend's bed, watching with a
thoughtful frown as Qui-Gon slept fitfully. The Council member
was a gifted telepath, and hadn't hesitated for a moment
helping himself to Qui-Gon's mind at this critical juncture. He
needed information. Qui-Gon couldn't or wouldn't remember and
Obi-Wan was clearly reluctant to tell the whole story. Perhaps
if he knew what had happened he could find a way to help them
heal the breach between them.
The images were both hazy and haphazard, appearing in a
seemingly random order. Mace recognized himself in many of them
- sparring with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. There were many more,
though, of Obi-Wan alone. Working out, sparring with other
Padawans, eating a meal in the dining hall, drinking wine in
Qui-Gon's quarters ... here was something Mace was interested
in.
Frustratingly, Qui-Gon only ever touched on this image before
returning to others less informative. Obi-Wan sitting beside
him on some transport, Obi-Wan dressed for a night out, Obi-Wan
meditating, Obi-Wan naked beneath him, crying ... Mace's shock
at the image was sudden and he reacted instinctively, jerking
his head back slightly as though pulling away. Immediately he
attempted to regain a link with Qui-Gon's mind, but his small
movement had impinged on Qui-Gon's subconscious, because his
friend was already turning to lie on his other side. The
movement of the Qui-Gon's body seemed enough to turn his dream
state in another direction, and there was no more to be had.
Mace stayed for a long time, struggling to come to terms with
what he had seen. There were a hundred explanations ... surely
...
Meditation for the rest of the night and into the morning
helped make the image more clear but did nothing to alleviate
his fears. As Qui-Gon rested after breakfast, Mace considered
what he'd seen. Qui-Gon had been having sex with Obi-Wan. There
was no mistaking that position. The image bought with it a slew
of emotions, pain, fear, anger. Which were Qui-Gon's and which
were Obi-Wan's was difficult to tell. Obi-Wan hadn't been
struggling, but he had been crying. This wasn't lovemaking.
This put a very different perspective on things. It couldn't
have happened the first night they'd been together, Qui-Gon had
been far too happy the morning after. The night of the
accident, then. Was Qui-Gon angry with Obi-Wan for going out?
Did Obi-Wan flirt with someone else - or perhaps go further?
The Jedi Master sighed frustratedly. There were too many
questions here. One thing was clear, though. If Qui-Gon had
taken Obi-Wan without consent then they would have to be
separated. Permanently.
In the bedroom Qui-Gon awoke from his short nap feeling
restless. He wanted a bath. And to go outside again, in the
fresh air. He remembered little of the night's dreams, as
usual. There was a strong feeling that Mace had been with him,
and Qui-Gon hoped that was the case. They had, very briefly,
discussed the possibility of Mace using his powerful telepathic
ability to penetrate the depths of Qui-Gon's memory. Mace had
been reluctant, wanting first to see if the memories returned
on their own. Perhaps he had picked up something in his vigil
last night that would help.
He got out of bed slowly and made his way to the 'fresher. His
injuries were healing nicely, thanks to Mace's light touch, but
he still tired quickly.
And while he was in here, Daen was out there - with Obi-Wan.
That thought alone was enough to make him begin the painful
stretching exercises that would help him regain his fitness.
Any problems he had with his Padawan were their own business -
not anyone else's. The sooner they got off this planet and out
of Daen's reach, the better.
Qui-Gon Jinn was not the only one who had woken with a new
purpose. Obi-Wan had tossed and turned for most of the night.
He woke as he had done so for too many mornings over the past
year. Tired, sore, aching. In pain physically and emotionally.
As he stood in the bathroom staring into his image reflected in
the mirror, Obi-Wan had come to a decision. Enough. Today was
the day he and Qui-Gon would sort things out once and for all.
He had been in love with his Master for too many years to throw
it all away. No matter what it took, he would fight until they
were together again.
His renewed sense of purpose energized his entire body. He
showered and changed, grabbed a quick breakfast and set off to
look for his Master. There was a spring to Obi-Wan's step that
hadn't been there for a very long time and his jaw had a
determined set. Today was the day.
Qui-Gon Jinn was in the gardens when Obi-Wan found him.
Obi-Wan's first falter came when he saw that Qui-Gon was alone.
The Padawan had prepared a civil request for Mace to leave them
alone, and had even practiced some arguments should either Mace
or Qui-Gon object. But Mace was apparently tending to matters
inside the Palace, because Qui-Gon was quite alone in the
gardens. There was no wheeled chair this time, suggesting that
Qui-Gon had walked the short distance. Qui-Gon was sitting
comfortably against a tree, a data pad in his hand. The
bandages had long since come off, and Obi-Wan knew Qui-Gon had
become a lot more mobile in the past couple of days. Anyone
seeing him now could be forgiven for thinking the Jedi Master
was in full health.
"Is there something you wanted, Padawan?" The dry question
snapped Obi-Wan's attention back where it belonged.
"Yes, Master. No...," Obi-Wan faltered again, annoyed at his
nervousness. "What I mean is, yes, Qui-Gon. There is something
I want from you."
Qui-Gon Jinn raised an eyebrow at the address then waved a hand
to indicate Obi-Wan take a seat on the grass next to him.
Obi-Wan did one better than that. Talking didn't seem to be
much of an option, so he walked over to his Master, stepped
over the prone legs and knelt down, straddling Qui-Gon. Most of
Obi-Wan's weight was on his knees, but he didn't notice the
discomfort.
What he did do was lean forward and kiss his Master.
Hands entwined in the long hair so that he could span Qui-Gon's
head and tilt it to the angle he needed, and Obi-Wan took
possession of the mouth that haunted his dreams. There was no
hesitation, no seduction. Qui-Gon's startled exclamation as
Obi-Wan straddled him gave Obi-Wan the entry he wanted into his
Master's mouth and then his own mouth was filled with the
addictive taste of Qui-Gon Jinn. Incredibly, Qui-Gon allowed
the kiss. In fact, within a few seconds, Obi-Wan was being
kissed back and Qui-Gon's hands were spanning his behind and it
felt good and it tasted good and he was getting hard just from
kissing Qui-Gon. They kissed for what felt like forever but too
soon Qui-Gon was pushing him away and Obi-Wan let him do so.
His point had been made. Qui-Gon's eyes were as glazed and
dilated as his own, his face flushed and his lips swollen.
"Get off him, now, Obi-Wan!" The harsh command shocked them
both as two heads snapped around to see Mace Windu striding
towards them angrily. Obi-Wan hesitated. This wasn't Master
Windu's business ...
But Qui-Gon was pushing him away. Obi-Wan climbed off his
Master's lap and sat back on his heels, knees together, palms
flat. The dutiful submission wasn't matched by the glint of
anger in his eyes at Master Windu's interruption.
As Mace reached them, Qui-Gon spoke up.
"Mace? Would you care to explain that last request?"
Obi-Wan grinned at Qui-Gon's dry tone. But Mace was in full
Council mode, now, and in no mood to explain himself.
"Padawan Kenobi. You will report to Master Koran for the next
week. There are a number of areas on Naboo in great need of
Jedi assistance for rebuilding after the Droid Army attack. You
will assist him in this. Go now." The order had an unmistakable
ring of authority to it and Obi-Wan obeyed automatically. He
got to his feet and bowed to the Council member.
"Yes, Master Windu." A quick glance at his Master, and Obi-Wan
was gone.
Qui-Gon waited until Obi-Wan was out of ear-shot.
"What in a Sith's name are you up to now, Mace?"
Mace removed his cloak, taking his time folding it and finding
a comfortable place to sit on the grass next to Qui-Gon.
"I've been speaking with Master Yoda. The Council feels you
would benefit from a week on your own. You can concentrate on
physical healing and getting back to your former state of
fitness. And we can work on regaining your memories."
Qui-Gon searched his ex-lover's expression for a hint of what
had happened to change his mind.
"A day ago you were saying we should let things take their
natural course. What's changed, Mace?"
"It's for the best, Qui-Gon. You'll have to trust me on this.
The Geh'raste have been in contact. The civil war has flared up
again and we've sent two Jedi to mediate. They've read your
report on the situation, of course, but there are other things
you could tell them, I'm sure."
Qui-Gon nodded in agreement. There was plenty of information
not relevant to the Council that would help them immensely.
"They'll be in communication range in just over an hour. I'll
set it up from here but you'll need the time to get your
thoughts together."
As he had been trained to do almost from birth, Qui-Gon
deliberately put all extraneous matters - like his relationship
with Obi-Wan - to the back of his mind. What mattered was the
mission.
Obi-Wan packed in somewhat of a daze before hurrying to the
landing pad. Their first 'rebuilding' missing would be on the
far reaches of Naboo - a tiny settlement that had been almost
blown apart by air-fire when Naboo was first invaded.
Daen was waiting for him near the speeder they would use for
their mission. He smiled when Obi-Wan approached, but his
attention was diverted by the volatile entrance of a small boy
onto the landing pad.
"Master Daen, Sir!"
Obi-Wan turned in surprise. A blonde-haired boy of perhaps nine
or ten was running towards Daen. A woman of indeterminate age
followed more sedately. Obi-Wan reached the group just as the
boy was swept up into Daen's arms in a hug.
"Anakin! I'm glad you came to see us off." Daen looked over the
boy's head to where Obi-Wan stood.
"Obi-Wan, I'd like you to meet Anakin - the boy I told you
about."
So this was the pod-racer? The boy who had single-handedly
destroyed the Droid Control Ship? Obi-Wan turned curious eyes
on the boy who was squirming to the ground.
Obi-Wan smiled down at the eager boy.
"Hello, Anakin."
"You're a Jedi, too? Wow - Mom, come look!" The cheerful
invitation was aimed at the woman who had followed Anakin onto
the landing pad.
Daen bowed to the woman and introduced her to Obi-Wan.
"Shmi, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan, I'd like you to meet
Anakin's mother, Shmi Skywalker."
A courteous bow was met with a shy smile, before Shmi took her
son by the hand.
"Come, Anakin. The Jedi have work to do and we mustn't hold
them up any longer."
Anakin looked disappointed.
"You're leaving already?"
"We must, Anakin. There's much to do to help rebuild Naboo
after the invasion. Don't worry - I'll be back in about a week.
In the meantime," this was addressed more to Shmi, "I've told
Master Windu about Anakin. He'll probably come and talk to you
about him this afternoon."
Shmi nodded hesitantly, clearly not sure if this was a good
thing or not. Daen gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and
knelt down to hug Anakin again.
"Be good, Anakin. I'll see you next week."
And with that, the Jedi picked up their bags and entered the
speeder. Obi-Wan took the pilot's seat with a grin that wasn't
lost on Daen, leaving the older Jedi to stow their gear.
Takeoff was accomplished with relative ease, and as the speeder
sped it's way to their destination, Obi-Wan glanced back at the
landing pad and the boy and his mother, now two specks in the
distance.
"What is it with Jedi Masters and their propensity for adopting
pathetic life forms?" Obi-Wan glanced over as Daen swung into
the co-pilot's chair with ease.
"The boy has an enormous midichlorian count, higher than I've
ever seen. He should be at the Temple, being trained.
Originally, my wager on the pod race only covered him and not
his mother, but his owner was too greedy. He bet everything he
had on Anakin's opposition, so it was easy to buy Shmi's
freedom with the winnings from the race. I had a side bet of my
own riding on Anakin, and the total just covered it."
Obi-Wan glanced over at Daen knowingly.
"You bet the wings, didn't you?"
Daen laughed.
"What else?" He reached in to the inside of his outer tunic and
unclipped the pin he had worn since long before Obi-Wan had
known him. The pin clattered on the control panel in front of
them, gleaming in the artificial light. A pair of eagle's
wings, beautifully carved out of onyx, detailed with
mother-of-pearl and pure Kastrellian crystal. The pin alone
would never have paid for the parts they'd needed, but it would
make a hell of a wager.
When they had become lovers, Daen had told him the pin had been
given to him by his father who had been a pilot on a commercial
liner. That Daen had risked it in order to win the freedom of
Anakin's mother didn't surprise Obi-Wan, though. Under his
veneer of nonchalance, Daen was pure marshmallow.
The two Jedi chatted easily as the sped towards their
destination. There would be much to do, and plans had to be
made. There was Anakin and his mother to discuss, eight months
of news to catch up on, a mission to complete. Obi-Wan had no
time to think of Qui-Gon's mouth melting under his own, of
Qui-Gon's eyes darkening with passion, Qui-Gon's hands claiming
his body. No time at all.
Mace Windu had watched his friend and some-time lover work out
many times, but it was always a pleasure. Even recovering from
a near fatal injury, Qui-Gon had a natural grace and elegance
that was satisfying to watch. It had been three days since
Obi-Wan had left on his mission with Daen, and Mace Windu had
plenty to think about.
He had gone to the Council and shared the vision he had seen
from Qui-Gon's subconscious. The Council had immediately agreed
that the two should be separated, and all attempts made to help
Qui-Gon remember the incident on his own. There was another
option - for Mace to form a mind-link with Qui-Gon and draw out
the memories. But it was a risky procedure, far more so now
that Mace had seen images there. His own shock and concern
would be readily apparent, and would colour the meaning of any
images they retained. It was important that Qui-Gon remember
truthfully the events that happened. And if it took nothing
more than sheer, blind effort, they would accomplish it.
Since Obi-Wan's departure, Qui-Gon was a man possessed. He woke
early and began a training regimen as punishing as he could
stand. He still had to rest and meditate during the day, but
every moment he could physically push himself he was doing so.
With his physical improvement, so came an increase of his
control of the Force. And once Qui-Gon was able to use his own
Force energy for healing, the process sped up exponentially. By
the end of the week he would be at almost full capacity again.
Every evening they worked together on meditation and some of
the most basic mental techniques. Mace worked chronologically,
concentrating on the most distant memories first, before slowly
working their way forward to the present. Qui-Gon remembered
the incident with Valerin, their restriction to Temple. The
weeks of training and spending time with his Padawan.
The conversation he'd had with Mace regarding his love for
Obi-Wan.
The night he and Obi-Wan had made love.
But while Qui-Gon was eagerly anticipating a full recovery and a reconciliation with Obi-Wan, Mace was filled with dread. He still didn't know the details of the fateful night Qui-Gon had nearly been killed, but he had a strong feeling that once they knew, it would all be over. His heart ached for Qui-Gon, who gave so much his whole life and asked so little. To lose Obi-Wan would be to tear his heart out.
Mace's musings were interrupted by the entrance of Anakin Skywalker to the room. The boy was virtually creeping around the door, his eyes firmly fixed on Qui-Gon's elegant movements with the saber. He was entranced.
Mace smiled to himself. The boy was bright and cheerful, possessed of a keen intelligence and an insatiable curiousity. The Council had been less than thrilled at the idea of training one so old, but Mace had requested they defer their decision
until he'd had a chance to spend more time with Anakin. The
Queen had already offered Shmi and Anakin permanent residency
on Naboo, and Mace knew that Shmi wanted that desperately. But
on some level she was aware of Anakin's special skills and
would not hinder the Jedi if they chose to take Anakin to
Coruscant for training.
Anakin had found himself a quiet corner to sit in as he watched
Qui-Gon. He was fascinated by the Jedi he had met and took
every opportunity to spend time with them. Mace watched the two
for a long time - the Jedi Master who would soon be without his
Padawan, and a young boy who might soon need a Master.
Obi-Wan sank onto his cot aboard the speeder with a groan. Daen
had set a punishing pace, but they'd accomplished so much.
Seven towns visited in four days, rebuilding schedules set up.
Giant slabs of building removed with judicious use of the force
had kick-started the rebuilding program and the people were so
keen to help that the work was progressing at an incredible
rate.
"Obi-Wan! Dinner - come and get it while it's hot!"
Daen's voice roused Obi-Wan from a light doze and he sat up
slowly and stretched. Food would be good. Food, then sleep.
"Yeah, in a minute, Daen."
He left the small sleeping area and ducked into the pilot's
seat in the front of the speeder, keying in the access code to
the Naboo Palace from memory. Mace Windu's face appeared on the
screen seconds later.
"Master Windu, may I speak with my Master, please?" As always,
Obi-Wan was polite when dealing with a Council member - even
one as unhelpful as Mace had been over the past few days.
"He's with Anakin." Mace had made any number of variations of
the same reply for the past four days and Obi-Wan was getting
heartily sick of it.
"Master Windu, this is the sixth time I've called. Surely he
can spare a moment to speak with me."
Mace raised an eyebrow at Obi-Wan's tone.
"I will tell him you called, Padawan Kenobi." The communication
was terminated abruptly, leaving Obi-Wan to seethe once again.
A sudden burst of anger overcame him for a moment and he
slammed his hand down on the control panel in frustration.
Qui-Gon was with the boy. Qui-Gon apparently spend every moment
of his time with the boy. And he was too busy for Obi-Wan. That
much was clear.
Obi-Wan looked up to see Daen standing in the entrance way.
"Busy again, huh?" His tone was neutral but Obi-Wan bristled at
the implication.
"Anakin's probably hounding him to death at the moment, that's
all. He'll be fine when we get back."
Daen nodded.
"Of course. So, you coming to dinner or not?" He turned without
waiting for Obi-Wan to acknowledge his request and Obi-Wan
hurried to follow him, feeling absurdly guilty.
"It's just that ... I left rather suddenly. We didn't have a
chance to talk things through and I just wanted to make sure
everything is okay between us."
Daen handed him a plate and motioned for him to take a seat in
their tiny eating area.
"You don't have to explain, Obi-Wan. He is your Master, after
all," he said mildly. Obi-Wan hesitated for a second before
following Daen's lead and starting his own meal. Over dinner
they discussed the work they had accomplished already, and
their plans for the following days. But not once did either of
them mention Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon adjusted Anakin's stance one more time and patiently
repeated his earlier instructions. There was a frown of
concentration on the boy's face as he attempted the basic kata
again and Qui-Gon smiled sadly to himself. The boy reminded him
of Obi-Wan.
Mace had told him they were too far away for communications to
be a possibility. Qui-Gon sighed to himself. He wanted to speak
with Obi-Wan, see his face. Talk to him about that kiss.
Instead his days were filled from dawn till dusk with workouts
and meditations and mental exercises with Mace. They were
getting closer to full retrieval of the missing memories but it
was a frustrating process. And every spare moment he had Mace
was thrusting the boy in his path. Anakin was a pleasant boy,
very strong with the Force. Another lifetime and Qui-Gon would
have been thrilled by the challenge of training one such as
Anakin - but for now he was too worried about Obi-Wan.
At least tonight they would probably retrieve all of the
missing memories. Finally he would remember what had happened
on the fateful night. Qui-Gon had no doubts it would turn out
to be something quite mild. Neither he nor Obi-Wan had much of
a temper and even the nastiest of words were only words. They
would come through this.
And then ... to make love with Obi-Wan, to kiss him and hold
him and wake up beside him .... it was every illicit dream,
every forbidden fantasy he'd ever had coming to life. How could
he have forgotten making love to Obi-Wan? It had been the most
wonderful night of his life and ever since the kiss in the
garden Qui-Gon had ached with a need that only Obi-Wan could
sate.
"Master Qui-Gon, Sir, I did it!" Anakin shouted triumphantly.
With an effort, Qui-Gon returned his attention to the present.
He smiled down at the boy who had successful completed an
exercise a junior initiate would have learned at the age of
four. The initiates worked on the thing for months before
completing it successfully and Anakin had mastered it in three
days. Quite astonishing.
"Well done, Anakin." Qui-Gon ruffled Anakin's hair and looked
down fondly at the boy who was grinning up at him with a look
of sheer hero worship.
"Now let's see if you can take it to the next level." He
squatted down next to the boy and patiently took him through
the next step.
//"Well, little whore?" Qui-Gon braced himself over Obi-Wan's
body as he penetrated the tight flesh. "Are you happy now? Used
and abused, isn't that what you thought last night was
about?"//*
The images came fast and thick now - their argument, his rape
of Obi-Wan, his escape into the night. The accident. Tears ran
down Qui-Gon's face and there was a look of sheer horror in his
eyes. Full awareness came abruptly and with it Qui-Gon surged
to his feet and raced for the 'fresher to throw up.
Mace stayed in the main room, shocked by what he had seen
through Qui-Gon's eyes, and devastated at the total destruction
the image had wreaked on Qui-Gon. Mace waited as long as he
dared before going to the 'fresher to see how his friend was
doing. Qui-Gon was sitting on the floor, knees up tight against
his chest with his arms wrapped around them and his head bowed,
forehead resting on his knees. He was sobbing.
Mace sank to the floor himself, facing his friend, waiting for
him to be ready enough to begin the healing process. There was
a lot to do. Obi-Wan was near enough to his knighting to make
his separation from Qui-Gon a moot point. And as the Council
was at least partially to blame for this happening, Mace had no
doubts he would be able to talk them into seeing things his
way.
They had known that Qui-Gon was in no condition to undertake a
mission yet they had allowed him to take Obi-Wan to Dantooine.
Yoda, Qui-Gon's old Master, would blame himself for what
happened there. But there was little point in apportioning
blame. What mattered was the future.
From the looks of the kiss Mace witnessed in the gardens,
Obi-Wan wasn't suffering from any major trauma. He worked well
with Daen, and the Council were well aware that Daen had been
Obi-Wan's choice as a first lover. They would make an excellent
team once Obi-Wan passed his trials and was knighted.
Qui-Gon needed counseling and time to recover. If the Council
granted Mace's wish the Anakin be taken by Qui-Gon as a
Padawan, they would almost certainly make it a condition that
the minimum of a year be spent on Coruscant.
All that was required now was putting the plan into action.
It had been eight days since they had left the Palace and
Obi-Wan knew it would be at least another two days before they
could return. He attempted every night to contact Qui-Gon but
Mace was firm each time. Qui-Gon could not be disturbed. He was
with the boy. Mace's gaze had gradually softened to allow a
hint of sympathy in the obsidian depths, but still Obi-Wan
couldn't get through. He was starting to get angry. Qui-Gon was
well on the way to recovery and there were dozens of
communication stations in the palace. If he'd wanted to he
could have contacted Obi-Wan at any time. But he was with the
boy - always with the boy.
Daen had stopped asking if he had spoken to Qui-Gon after the
first half a dozen tries. He didn't say anything at all, but
Obi-Wan was grateful for his silent support. They'd been
working hard all day repairing a major supporting wall along
the bank of a river. Both were soaking wet upon return, and
there was a good-natured argument over who would make first use
of the 'fresher. Daen won, of course. Obi-Wan used the
opportunity to try, once again, to contact his Master. This
time it wasn't Master Windu who answered it was Captain Panaka
who told him Master Windu was with the Queen. And Qui-Gon was
out on the grounds. With Anakin.
Obi-Wan passed Daen in the short corridor without a word,
throwing off his soaking clothes before standing under the
scalding spray of a water shower. One thing Naboo didn't lack
was water. When he emerged, freshly showered and dressed, he
was calmer.
They ate with little conversation, given Obi-Wan's distraction.
When the meal was finished, Obi-Wan went to clean up, only to
be stopped by Daen's hand on his arm.
"Sit down, Obi-Wan. We need to talk."
Obi-Wan took a seat warily. Daen looked concerned.
"Obi-Wan, I've heard you trying to contact him, what, a dozen
times? He won't speak to you, that much is clear. There's not
much point in obsessing over this. And given what he did to
you, I can't really understand why you're so keen to go
crawling back to him."
The words were deliberate - meant to sting, meant to rouse
Obi-Wan out of his apathy and depression. Even knowing that
Obi-Wan still rose to the bait.
"I am NOT crawling back to him, Daen. And what I did to him was
at least as bad. We were getting somewhere before I got sent on
this mission. And not once in all the times I've called have I
spoken to him. It's always Mace. I don't even know if he's
getting my messages."
Daen snorted and crossed his arms.
"In all the time I've known Qui-Gon, I've never heard him
tamely submit when his personal opinion differs from the
Council's. He has ample opportunity to contact you on his own
and he hasn't. From the sounds of it he spends most of his time
with Anakin, and frankly, I can understand why. You're closer
to your trials than anyone could have thought a year ago. Those
eight months of missions have changed you, Obi-Wan. You're far
more confident with yourself than ever before. I've watched you
over this week. You deal with people well, they respond to you.
Not once have you turned to me for instruction or guidance.
You've always been well ahead in the physical and educational
aspects of your training, the only thing you lacked was
experience, self-confidence, perhaps a little more knowledge of
the living force. But I don't think there's much more Qui-Gon
can teach you and I think he's already looking around for
another Padawan."
Obi-Wan whitened with anger and shook his head in mute denial.
What Daen was saying was that Qui-Gon didn't want him anymore.
He couldn't believe that. Not after they had made love. Not
after all the years they'd spent together.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, truly I am." There was no doubting Daen's
sincerity. He genuinely cared for both Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon and
there could be no joy in destroying all of Obi-Wan's hopes and
dreams like this. But it had to be done.
Obi-Wan rose from his seat at the table and stumbled in to his
sleeping quarters, blindly heading for the bed. He lay on it
for a long time. For all their time together since Qui-Gon had
first rejected him on Bandomeer Obi-Wan still carried a wealth
of insecurities buried deep down in his psyche. To believe that
Qui-Gon would replace him without a backward glance would be a
confirmation of every doubt he'd ever had about himself. And if
Qui-Gon no longer wanted him as a Padawan it was no great step
from there to understand that Qui-Gon no longer wanted him as a
lover. Obi-Wan couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it.
Qui-Gon Jinn returned from yet another outing with Anakin. The
boy was truly astounding and a genuine pleasure to be with, but
nothing could touch the core inside him that had once held his
heart and soul.
He had destroyed any right he'd ever had to be with Obi-Wan.
The Council wouldn't allow him to complete Obi-Wan's training
after what he'd done. It hurt to know how disappointed Yoda
would be in him now, but that was nothing compared to the pain
that was losing Obi-Wan.
There was only one thing that sustained him now and that was to
ensure that this never hurt Obi-Wan's future in the Jedi Order.
The kiss in the garden told Qui-Gon that Obi-Wan still loved
him - as worthless as he was. If Obi-Wan thought for even a
second that Qui-Gon loved him just as much he would never let
go. He would defy the Council and give up his chance at a
Knighthood to be with Qui-Gon and Qui-Gon couldn't allow that.
He had already taken so much from Obi-Wan - he would not take
his future as well.
And then there was Daen.
The morning Daen had left Minoro so long ago Qui-Gon had hugged
him close and whispered goodbye. Daen had been surprised at the
warmth of the farewell, given the situation. But Qui-Gon had
felt nothing but sympathy for Daen because as soon as he'd
looked into the eyes of his former lover he knew the truth.
Only someone who loved Obi-Wan as deeply as he did himself
could recognise the symptoms. Daen loved Obi-Wan. And now he
could be with him forever.
Qui-Gon had known Daen Koran since Daen was eighteen years old.
He had been Daen's first lover and they had remained friends
for nearly twenty years after. Qui-Gon knew he wasn't strong
enough to walk away and leave Obi-Wan alone. But he could
suffer any pain as long as Obi-Wan were with someone who loved
him and cherished him. As long as Obi-Wan could finish his
training and become the Knight he was always meant to be.
Mace was pushing the boy, Anakin, at him with increasingly less
subtlety. He'd already arranged for the boy to share Qui-Gon's
apartments and they spent much of their time together now. Shmi
had work within the Palace and seemed very content with her
life. She knew Anakin would be taken away, but she also knew he
would come back to Naboo to visit, which was far more than she
could ever have expected had she remained on Tatooine.
Qui-Gon couldn't find it within him to reject Anakin - not
after he'd done that to Obi-Wan so many years ago. And with the
knowledge that Obi-Wan would leave him soon, probably to start
a new life with Daen, came the understanding that if nothing
else, Anakin would fill in the empty days that would certainly
follow Obi-Wan's departure.
He insisted on being in his quarters, alone, to face Obi-Wan
when he and Daen returned from their mission. Mace argued the
point, but Qui-Gon was adamant. For Obi-Wan's future, for his
Padawan's well-being, he had to do this.
It would be his final gift to Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan's anger grew in the days that followed and Obi-Wan
allowed it to do so without check. And when Daen kissed him,
Obi-Wan responded. Daen wouldn't take it further than that but
even that small comfort helped immensely. He was loved. He was
wanted.
He would not believe the worst of Qui-Gon - he could not
believe it. He would do whatever it took to get through this
mission and then he would be with his Master again and that was
really all that mattered. To lose hope would be to lose
everything.
Daen watched and waited. With the clarity that distance bought
he could see that there was nothing but pain ahead for Obi-Wan
but he was powerless to stop it. All he could do was be there
to pick up the pieces after it happened. And help Obi-Wan learn
to live without Qui-Gon Jinn.
Obi-Wan barely waited for the landing struts to take a hold
before he was off the speeder and heading for the Palace. Daen
would take care of the pleasantries - he had to see Qui-Gon. He
walked through the corridors of the Palace, nodding politely, a
wave here and there in greeting. But nothing and no-one was
going to stop him. Eventually he reached his quarters and
palmed the door open.
Qui-Gon was on the couch, reading a data pad.
Obi-Wan's mouth opened but nothing came out. His focus had been
entirely on getting back to the Palace to talk to Qui-Gon, but
now that he was here he was suddenly tongue-tied.
"Yes, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked politely. He appeared surprised
to see Obi-Wan standing there.
Obi-Wan found his voice as his anger and fear returned in a
rush of emotion. "I called you. Several times. Why wouldn't you
talk to me?"
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. "I was busy, Obi-Wan. From the
sounds of your reports, you and Daen did a commendable job. I
doubt you needed my advice on anything."
Qui-Gon sounded so polite, so distant. Obi-Wan went cold
inside. He looked around him. The desk had a model ship on it,
and texts Obi-Wan recognised from his own training a decade
ago. From where he stood he could see inside the room that had
been his. Every trace of him had been removed and Anakin's
things were in there. He looked down at his former Master, a
growing sense of despair enveloping him. Suffocating him.
"Where are my things?" Obi-Wan asked dully.
Qui-Gon would not meet his eyes.
"I had them packed for you. The Council were impressed with the
way you and Daen dealt with the Naboo rebuilding program. They
want to send you on a few more missions together, to ready you
for your trials. Mace will oversee the rest of your training
but it's a formality only. I know you'll do well, Obi-Wan."
The words were like shards of glass. It was a familiar tone,
and he'd heard the words before but now they were killing him
slowly. He had been replaced.
"You'll be taking Anakin as your Padawan, then?" Please say no.
Say it was a mistake, say you forgive me. Don't send me away.
"Yes."
Obi-Wan could only stare helplessly, his chest aching as he
fought to control his pain. It had come full circle - once
again, Qui-Gon was rejecting him. In that instant he knew that
if he walked out of this room now he would never seen Qui-Gon
Jinn again. He stepped forward and knelt beside the couch, his
head bowed.
"Please, Master. Please don't give me up." The words ended in a
sob and he was crying now, silently, the tears running down his
face, his shoulders hunched and heaving.
Qui-Gon closed his eyes for a brief second before marshaling
every resource he'd ever had to pull enough strength together
to do this. Oh, Obi-Wan, I'm so sorry. Forgive me, my beloved
Padawan.
Nothing had ever hurt this much.
"You'll be fine, Obi-Wan." He risked the briefest touch on
Obi-Wan's bowed head as he rose from the couch. The last time
he would ever touch Obi-Wan again.
Qui-Gon Jinn left the room. The sound of Obi-Wan sobbing would
stay with him for a very long time.
Archive 