Mirror My Wildest Passions

by Kathye (dubghall@aol.com)

Rating: NC-17
Category: AU, first time, mostly non-consensual
Pairing: Q/O
Archive: Yes to MA and to the Seraph's Glade (http://members.aol.com/ChunTianShi/index.html)
Summary: In an AU world where the Jedi rule the galaxy with an iron fist, Obi-Wan reaches the age of First Adulthood, and Qui-Gon must perform a ritual he is reluctant to complete.
Feedback: Is a gift to be treasured. On or off list, good or bad (eek!) it is gratefully accepted.
Warnings: Non-consensual aspects

Notes: Finally, I've written the little story that I told myself I'd knock off in just a couple of days, almost three years ago. A prequel of sorts to "The Mind's Own Mirror" (http://www.masterapprentice.org/archive/m/minds_mirror.html). This is the extended version of a flashback scene in that story that my beta made me (rightfully) cut shorter. Many thanks to Sar and Ange and Claire, for their encouragement while I whined about not being able to write this, and help in making it better. Any errors left are caused by my inability to stop fiddling with a story after I'm told it's fine.
Title comes from an Oscar Wilde poem, which has nothing to do with this story. I just liked it because it had the word "Mirror" in it.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and lay no claim to them. I intend no harm to them. At least no lasting harm. Well, nothing permanent -- maybe a few scars.

Qui-Gon stood in the darkness, leaning on the rail of a balcony overlooking the Royal Gardens of Alderaan. A small breeze tugged at his hair as it brought the scents of the flowers below to him. Somewhere in the gardens a nightbird sang to its mates. The night sky blazed with stars and Qui-Gon scanned them, searching for one in particular.

There. Around that sun orbited the planet Rangoon-5, the place that Qui-Gon had planned to be on this night. Rangoon-5 was cold, desolate and inhabited by deadly predators. Still, he longed to be there, instead of warm and safe on Alderaan.

"Qui-Gon, my friend, you seem somewhat troubled. Is there something you need to tell me?"

The Jedi Master barely managed to hide his start of surprise and looked over at the man standing next to him. The man's expression was carefully neutral, but there had been a hint of command in the question.

Qui-Gon remained silent. What could he say? That he was preoccupied with thoughts of his Padawan? That today his apprentice had reached the age of First Adulthood, and even now was confined to their rooms, waiting for his master to return and strip away the last of his innocence?

No. There were things that even a renegade Jedi would not admit. Not even to the leader of the Resistance.

Finally, Qui-Gon turned away, gazing out at the dark gardens again.

"No, Kiran. Nothing's wrong. I was just thinking about how beautiful your planet is."

The man chuckled quietly and moved closer. "Indeed, it is beautiful out here, but there are things even more beautiful inside." He threw a companionable arm over Qui-Gon's shoulders. "You know, I think I've had enough talk of revolution for one night. I'm too old to stay up all hours plotting. My body longs for its warm bed." He paused. "And besides, I've kept you away from your apprentice for too long tonight."

Qui-Gon glanced sideways at his companion. In the future he would have to remember how efficient Prince Kiran Organa's information gathering network was.

"I will wish you a pleasant sleep then, " Qui-Gon said, turning to grasp Kiran by the shoulder. "The Jedi transport arrives in the morning to take us to our next mission. We will not be able to talk candidly again until the next meeting."

The prince took Qui-Gon's free hand, squeezing it tightly. "I know. The occasions when we can meet in private grow ever more infrequent. I will miss these times together."

The prince's voice had a melancholy tone, and Qui-Gon looked questioningly into Kiran's dark eyes, seeing the sadness there for the first time.

Then the sadness was gone and Kiran smiled and took a step back, placing one hand on Qui-Gon's head and the other over Qui-Gon's heart.

"The Light be with you tonight, and bless you tonight, and may you and the one you love give each other joy, " Kiran intoned solemnly.

It was part of the Alderaanian marriage benediction. The two men stared at each other for a few moments longer, then without speaking, Qui-Gon nodded and left.

This was the night.

Obi-Wan paced through the room again, resisting the urge to look out the window, up towards the balcony of the royal suite.

This was it. The night that he'd been dreading since he became old enough to attend the Sexual Training classes, and came to realize just what his master would do to him when he reached the age of First Adulthood.

He straightened the bright silk pillows on the couch in their quarters, then picked them up and flung them across the room. Qui-Gon had been gone all day, damn the man. It wasn't that Obi-Wan especially wanted to complete the First Adulthood ritual, but the waiting was killing him. The longer he waited, the more his mind tormented him with images of the acts he would have to perform. They became more graphic with every minute that passed. Every horror story that the older padawans had told in the common rooms came back to him. He remembered Vahsh's face, the day after her First. He remembered how long Tyion stayed with the Healers, after his.

He wrapped his arms around himself, fighting the nausea that had been attacking all day. He hadn't been able to eat, sure that Qui-Gon would return at any time. When Qui-Gon had left in the morning, he'd told Obi-Wan to stay in their rooms and finish his mission reports, and that he would return after he'd concluded his business with the prince.

It was now deep into the night. Obi-Wan had rewritten the reports a dozen times. He had repacked his and Qui-Gon's travel bags. He had read again the details of the planet that he and Qui-Gon would be going to for survival training.

As the day had gone on, with no sign of his master, he had almost asked one of the palace servants to search out Qui-Gon for him. But after he had decided to do that, his resolve faltered. Part of him wanted to delay this as long as possible. Part of him just wanted it to be over.

Obi-Wan grimaced. It wasn't that he was afraid of the pain. Since Qui-Gon had taken him on as an apprentice, he had beaten him on many occasions, sometimes severely. Pain was something he'd been trained to accept.

No, it was how terribly intimate this pain would be. Qui-Gon would be taking his pleasure while causing Obi-Wan pain. Not just tonight, but anytime Qui-Gon wanted to, until Obi-Wan completed his training. Even beyond that, if he wished to exercise a Master's right over a lowly Knight. After tonight, Obi-Wan could never hold his body private again, until he had enough seniority in the order to be the one commanding others to his will.

He picked up the pillows with trembling hands and replaced them on the couch. He finally understood why some apprentices chose to run, instead of face this. Not that running ever did any good. You were always caught, and the punishment was far worse than what any master could do to you.

He drew in a deep, shaky breath. He needed to distract himself, rather than letting the tension continue to build within. Sleep was out of the question. He had to be ready when Qui-Gon returned.

Perhaps a meditative kata would help. If nothing else, it would help to relax his muscles. The one piece of useful advice the older padawans always gave was to relax as much as possible. Obi-Wan pulled off his boots and tunics, then moved to the center of their enormous suite.

*Deep breath in. Feel the air in your lungs. Feel the oxygen rush through your body. Feel the blood pick up toxins and bring them back to the lungs. Long breath out.*

*Slow the heart -- it is yours to command. Reach a hand out -- and begin.*

Obi-Wan moved slowly through the first section of the pattern. Every step was precisely placed, every hand movement perfectly in synch with the rhythm of the dance. He closed his eyes, shutting out everything but the flow of his body.

While he moved, he reached out with the Force to feel the world around him. The cold marble beneath his bare feet resonated with crystalline perfection. The love of creation lingered deep in the elegant furniture in the room, although the artisans who made it were surely long dead.

Obi-Wan opened himself to the life force of living things, and stopped suddenly. His eyes snapped open and he turned to the doorway, to see that Qui-Gon had finally returned. He bowed deeply to his master, then walked into his bedroom, resigned to what would come.

This was it.

This was the night everything changed.

Qui-Gon tried to suppress the surge of lust that hit him when he went into his bedroom and saw his apprentice stripped naked, on his knees and elbows, resting his head on his hands in the required submissive posture. The boy was absolutely stunning, and, after tonight, Qui-Gon meant to make him completely his, in mind as well as body.

He removed his tunics, dropping them to the floor, then sat on the bed. He reached out and lightly caressed a bare shoulder, feeling Obi-Wan fight to not flinch. He deepened his touch, massaging the too tight muscles of Obi-Wan's neck and back. Obi-Wan kept himself as still as possible, trying to show no reaction.

This was not how Qui-Gon had wanted this night to begin. Jedi children received very little in the way of affection, and he knew that Obi-Wan had almost no experience with the concept of touch as being pleasurable. He silently cursed the Council again for disrupting his plans and sending them here. If they had gone to Rangoon for survival training, he could have taken this much more slowly. With no other Jedi around to question him, he could have drawn the ritual out over several days. But they weren't on Rangoon and another Jedi team was arriving tomorrow, and he had no time left. Both Obi-Wan and the other Jedi would wonder why Qui-Gon hadn't completed the First Adulthood ritual, so finish it tonight, he must.

However, that still didn't mean that he was just going to mount his apprentice and rape him. By the Force, they would both enjoy this night.

"Why are you in that position, Obi-Wan?"

Confusion leaked through their training bond, and Obi-Wan hesitantly looked over his shoulder. "This is the position that the training master told us we were to take, Master."

Still rubbing Obi-Wan's back, Qui-Gon said, "Tonight you will follow my commands, not those of the training masters. Sit here with me." He patted the bed next to him.

Obi-Wan moved to comply, but when Qui-Gon reached for the buckles on his boots, he slid to the floor instead, kneeling in front of Qui-Gon and removing his boots and socks for him. Then he looked back up at Qui-Gon, mutely waiting for his next command.

There was no sound at all in the room while Qui-Gon stared down into his padawan's trusting blue-green eyes. He cupped a cheek, running a thumb lightly along the stubble that had grown there. He held his breath as he realized how dear this boy had become to him. No, not a boy anymore -- a man. Without breaking eye contact, he gently pulled him up onto his lap, running his hands down his back and over the swell of his buttocks. Qui-Gon caressed his cheek again, then leaned in to press their lips together in their first kiss.

Obi-Wan did not respond at all.

Qui-Gon closed his eyes and laid his forehead on Obi-Wan's shoulder. 'He's just tolerating this,' he thought. 'How can I make him feel? I must make him feel.'

"Lie on the bed for me, Obi-Wan." When Obi-Wan moved to lie prone, he said, "No, on your back. I want to see your face."

Qui-Gon stood and quickly stripped off his leggings. Obi-Wan's gaze slipped down to Qui-Gon's half erect penis, and Qui-Gon saw a moment of panic before Obi-Wan was able to bring himself back under control. He reached over and punched a button on the control panel for the lights and the room went almost completely dark, illumined only by the faint light coming through the window from Alderaan's moons.

When Qui-Gon stretched out on the bed next to Obi-Wan, he could hear rapid, shaky breathing. He touched Obi-Wan's chest and could feel him trembling. Well, soon he would have him trembling from pleasure instead of fear. He began to stroke Obi-Wan's chest and stomach, while kissing him along his jaw and nuzzling his ear.

"Relax, Obi-Wan. I will not hurt you."

He moved down to suckle at first one nipple, then the other. He licked his way across Obi-Wan's salty skin to an armpit and breathed in deeply, exulting in the feeling of Obi-Wan's pheromones hitting his brain. There was still fear there, but arousal now as well.

All the while his fingers tickled and teased along Obi-Wan's stomach and flanks. When Obi-Wan started to make faint whimpering noises, he finally moved to the center of Obi-Wan's arousal, gently caressing his balls and running one finger up along the length of his hardening penis. Obi-Wan's mind might be confused, but his body knew what to do.

If there had been any justice in the galaxy, he would've been able to end this here. Give Obi-Wan pleasure, let him get over his fear. But morning was coming, and he could no longer delay what he was duty-bound to do.

He put one hand on Obi-Wan's hip and pulled slightly. He whispered into Obi-Wan's ear, "You must turn over for me, my padawan." Obi-Wan froze for a few seconds, then turned over to lay on his stomach, his muscles again rigid.

Qui-Gon reached over and picked up a small bottle that he had placed on the bedside table that morning. He pulled out the stopper and poured a small amount of the thick oil into his hand. Straddling the man beneath him, he began to massage Obi-Wan's shoulders and back. Relief washed through him as Obi-Wan relaxed again, and his muscles became pliant under his fingertips.

"Yes, very good Obi-Wan. You are doing well."

The massage continued downward until he was kneading Obi-Wan's buttocks. He pulled Obi-Wan up onto his knees, petting his sides and back. With one slickened finger, he teased Obi-Wan's anus, tickling lightly against the sensitive nerves there. Finally, he slid the finger inside. Obi-Wan tensed up immediately.

"You must relax, padawan. Breathe deeply -- release your anxiety."

After a few moments, Qui-Gon could feel the tension slowly leave the body beneath him. He poured more of the oil over his fingers, and slowly pushed two of them past the rings of muscle guarding the entrance to Obi-Wan's body.

The muscles loosened under his touch, and finally he removed his fingers and slicked his erection with the last of the oil.

Qui-Gon felt almost no resistance as he slowly penetrated Obi-Wan's hot channel. He looked down, and in the dim light he could just make out where their two bodies joined. The sight made him groan aloud.

"So good, Obi-Wan. You feel so good."

Finally, he was completely encased in Obi-Wan's tight heat. Panting, he leaned forward and nuzzled Obi-Wan's hair and kissed the back of his neck. With one hand he caressed Obi-Wan's chest, moving downward to fondle his genitals.

He was completely flaccid.

Well, that happened to a man being penetrated sometimes. He stroked Obi-Wan's penis.

No response.

"Obi-Wan," he whispered. "Talk to me. I want this to be good for you too."

No response.

Puzzled, Qui-Gon lightly touched his apprentice's mind and found it silent. He probed harder, and discovered that Obi-Wan had entered a meditative trance, disconnecting himself from his body. In that trance he certainly felt no pain, but could feel no pleasure either.

He sent a questing tendril of thought deeper into Obi-Wan's mind, and found himself rebuffed. Another groan escaped him, of anguish instead of bliss. Yes, he could force his way through Obi-Wan's shields, bring him out of the trance, make him feel what was happening to him.

But then, no matter how hard Qui-Gon tried to convince himself otherwise, it truly would be rape.

Despair flooded through him, and he rested his head on Obi-Wan's back. No. It already was rape. Obi-Wan had not wanted this, and was just trying to survive it as best he could. Qui-Gon felt his erection soften, then took a deep breath and concentrated on himself until he hardened again. He still had to finish this, for Obi-Wan's sake... for everyone's sake.

He thrust twice more and came.

The small part of Obi-Wan's brain that he had left keeping watch over his body let him know when Qui-Gon pulled out, and he began to pull himself out of the trance state. Slowly, he started to catalog the feelings his nerves were sending out. His ass felt sore and tender, but he didn't feel any great pain. His leg muscles actually felt worse, and he wondered how long he had been holding that pose.

No matter, it was over. He got out of the bed and bowed deeply to Qui-Gon.

"Thank you, my master, for bringing me into First Adulthood. It will be my honour to continue to serve you, in every way you require, for all the days remaining to me." Obi-Wan quoted the ritual words by rote.

"If you wish to serve me, you will return to this bed."

Obi-Wan froze. This was not covered by any of his training, nor by the stories of the other padawans. From everything he'd heard, once Qui-Gon had used him, he would be allowed to leave. Or be sent to the Healers, if things had gone badly.

Perhaps things had yet to go badly.

He slowly climbed back onto the bed and lay there, stiffly, staring at the ceiling.

Qui-Gon's face loomed above his own.

"I know your secret. You took yourself away so that you would not feel the Ritual. That is not permitted."

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and waited for the first blow to land. He was startled when soft lips touched his own, instead. His eyes snapped open and he saw his master smiling gently at him.

His confusion only increased when he heard Qui-Gon laugh. "Obi-Wan, you look as though you are about to be sent to your own funeral. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

His master caressed his cheek. "This is the secret part of the Ritual Obi-Wan. Not all padawans are allowed to feel this, only those who are the most special. You must never tell anyone about this. They would only be jealous of you, and that would create chaos within the Order."

Secret ritual? Obi-Wan was still trying to absorb that when Qui-Gon kissed him again, his tongue pushing against his lips until he opened them. Gradually, he relaxed, then began kissing back.

Qui-Gon's hands danced along his skin, making every nerve ending fire. He had never imagined that anything could feel this good.

His master's hand closed around his penis and stroked him. A moan escaped his lips.

"Yes, that's it Obi-Wan. Let go of your control and feel everything that is happening to you. Look at me, padawan."

Obi-Wan looked up into his master's clear blue eyes.

"Every time you are in bed with me, you are permitted to feel this pleasure."

A look that Obi-Wan couldn't identify crossed Qui-Gon's face. Obi-Wan felt his master's breath, hot against his skin, as he leaned in to whisper into his ear, "But only with me. You are only permitted to feel it with me. Do you understand?"

Obi-Wan panted out, "Yes, yes master. I understand."

"Good." Obi-Wan felt Qui-Gon's hand tighten on his erection, and move faster.

"Then, come for me, my Obi-Wan. Show me your pleasure."

Obi-Wan felt his orgasm build from the soles of his feet and rocket through his body. His entire existence was focused where Qui-Gon touched him. With a loud shout, he shuddered and spurted his seed over Qui-Gon's hand.

He lay there panting for a few moments. Then Qui-Gon kissed him again, and pulled him over, cradling Obi-Wan against his chest. Obi-Wan knew he should sleep, but he couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. None of this made sense, and he desperately wanted it to. His life up to now had been one of strict order and he didn't understand why Qui-Gon would suddenly introduce this chaos into it.

Finally, he gave in to exhaustion and, lulled by the unfamiliar sound of his master's heart beating beneath him, he slipped into sleep. But just before drifting off, one clear thought formed in his mind: he was special. His master thought he was special.

Qui-Gon held onto his apprentice as the last of the night melted away. He had been surprised by the surge of jealousy that he'd felt, when he had thought of anyone else bringing Obi-Wan pleasure. It was academic in any case. He would never lend Obi-Wan out to anyone else, and Obi-Wan knew better than to seek out any other lover. He rubbed his face against Obi-Wan's hair.

Obi-Wan seemed to have believed the lie about the "secret" part of the Ritual. It was as close as Qui-Gon could come to telling the boy his true feelings. The man. Obi-Wan was a man now, and before long he would be mentally strong enough that he could be entrusted with Qui-Gon's biggest secret.

Yes, this was the apprentice that he could trust. This was the apprentice that he would be able to bring into the Resistance with him. Soon, he would be able to tell Obi-Wan everything about the secret opposition to the rule of the Jedi, and he would be Qui-Gon's partner in all ways. Qui-Gon tightened his hold on his padawan and offered up a silent prayer.

May that day come quickly.

END