Master Apprentice  Archive Meditation on Loving a Jedi Master |
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Pairing: Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon
Archive: SWAL, M_A and Nesting
Category: Romance
Rating: Mild sex
Warnings: None
Spoilers/Canon: PM didn't end THAT way
Series: None
Summary: Obi-Wan reflects on a future with Qui-Gon
Feedback: Always welcome. Flames bore me.
Notes: This came out of a discussion about what place Obi-Wan would have in the Jedi side of things should he bond with Qui-Gon. As this is a spur of the moment piece, it isn't beta read. But I'm really just trying to get it out of my head and on its way. In any case, this is how I see it. YMMV.
Website: http://www.angelfire.com/nb/annehiggins
The first time they'd made love Obi-Wan Kenobi had learned the joy of keeping his eyes open and watching his beloved Master's face as the man cherished him. So there should have been nothing unusual at all about laying in Qui-Gon's arms, feeling the man's weight press against him, his cock into him, all while the most beautiful blue eyes gazed at him with adoration.
But it was different. He had never taken this sort of moment for granted though he'd all but pounced on his gorgeous Master the instant Jedi decorum and age deemed it ... well, if not acceptable, not forbidden either. No, he'd never taken it for granted, was certain he never would, but tonight was special. Because Qui-Gon was here with him, holding him, taking him. Oh, Force, he'd almost lost him.
He grasped harder at the broad shoulders, knew the imprint of his hands would linger for a day or two after this, but the Sith had almost taken his love from him. The Healers credited Obi-Wan's own stubborn spirit with keeping Qui-Gon from joining with the Force long enough for a bacta tank and more conventional medical assistance to win the day. Such was the level of that assistance that less than two weeks after suffering his would-be fatal injuries, Qui-Gon was not only alive, but completely recovered.
Anakin in tow, they'd returned to Coruscant, settled the boy in the room Obi-Wan hadn't used since coming to Qui-Gon's bed years ago, then retired to their room to make love for the first time since being assigned the Naboo mission.
He'd almost lost him. That thought kept gnawing at Obi-Wan, and for the fourth time he drew on the Force to prevent himself from coming.
Qui-Gon groaned, the rhythm of his hips not faltering despite the sound. "Have mercy on an old man, beloved. I can't do this all night."
That being what Obi-Wan wanted, he thrashed his head from side to side in a wordless 'no.' He wanted more, wanted Qui-Gon deeper inside him, wanted to eradicate every barrier between them. He wanted, needed. ...
Unfortunately, his body refused to cooperate with higher needs, and he couldn't stop the next rush of pleasure. With a cry of dismay he climaxed, his seed flowing warm and wet between their bodies. A moment later Qui-Gon came within him, his eyes glittering with love and triumph as he stared into Obi-Wan's eyes. 'Mine!' they seemed to shout. Force, how he loved that look.
"Yes, yours," he whispered, trying to curl up close to him despite the awkward tangle of his limbs.
Qui-Gon would have none of that. Obi-Wan whimpered when the spent cock eased from him, but then his arms and legs were settled more comfortably, his body nestling close to its mate.
One of the large hands he loved so well smoothed his hair, following the usual trail down along his throat. But the braid that used to curl around that hand was gone. Cut off in the ceremony that had declared Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight and no longer the Padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn. The first was a source of pride and honor; the second terrified him. How did he fit into the life of his former Master?
He must have been broadcasting through the training-bond, for Qui-Gon said, "You are the love of my life, Obi-Wan. Your home will always be here."
Yes, he knew that. Had known Qui-Gon would never have allowed him to become his lover had it not been true. But he drew far less pleasure from the thought now than he had in those early days. For now he knew the truth of what that meant. He was a Knight. He would draw his own missions while Anakin Skywalker traveled with Qui-Gon. Other Jedi who had chosen such lives often did not see their lovers for months even years at a time. He did not think he could endure such loneliness.
There was an answer, of course. The Jedi Council did not part those who made the ultimate commitment to one another. A Padawan could not ask a Master for such a life altering joining, but a Knight could.
"Qui-Gon, I want us to --"
Two fingers pressed to his lips, silencing him. "I know what you want, my love. But you must not ask me until you are certain."
Obi-Wan glared at him. //I have thought of little else for years,// he insisted through the annoyingly inadequate training-bond.
Qui-Gon's lips replaced his fingers. //You considered it as a Padawan. Do so now as a Knight.//
"I don't understand," he protested, his lips freed.
"There is a reason Padawan's may not soul-bond, my Obi-Wan." Another kiss, then, "Our mind's touched when you saved me. The questions you must face are within your own thoughts now. Focus on them, beloved. Whatever answer you find, I will love you and be with you to the best of my ability for the rest of my life."
Obi-Wan wanted to snuggle up against him, wanted to sleep in his arms, but the life he dreaded would start in the morning. Qui-Gon was returning to Tatooine, determined to recover Anakin's mother from Watto one way or the other. Obi-Wan would draw his first solo mission before they returned, and thus would begin the long lonely days where he could only hope the end of one mission would lead to a few days together on Coruscant before the next one began.
He sighed, for a man who could be so commanding in bed, Qui-Gon had an annoying habit of making certain nothing ever happened that Obi-Wan would regret. He supposed it was one of the reasons he loved him so much, but right now it made him want to start shouting. But it wouldn't do any good. Qui-Gon would not bond with him until Obi-Wan had thought it through as a Knight, and he wanted that bond. "All right, whatever you say."
Qui-Gon chuckled, hugged him tightly, then murmured a protest when Obi-Wan squirmed out of the bed. "Obi-Wan?"
He cast a glare at his lover, deliberately yanking Qui-Gon's robe on over his naked body. "You are not going to Tatooine without me," he said, making for the door. And the Council would not allow him to go along unless they were bonded. "I'll be in the garden meditating."
A fine way to spend a night, but a stubborn Qui-Gon was not to be denied.
//I would remind you,// Qui-Gon's thoughts followed him out of their quarter's, //that a stubborn Obi-Wan is equally taxing.//
He caught the impression that he was actually more of a trial than Qui-Gon ever was, shot back the damning fact that he was the one meditating all night, then raised his shields enough to end any further conversation.
The meditation gardens where almost never empty. Some species were naturally nocturnal, Jedi or no, and sleep could be elusive for many others. The designers had taken that into account, and the garden was a myriad of cleverly designed alcoves that could give the illusion that one was alone among the green. He used a faint pulse of the Force to find one of several empty spots, then settled into his favored meditation pose.
All right, so what was all the fuss about? He loved Qui-Gon and wanted to be with him always -- not merely when their schedules allowed. Beyond that, he would never rest easy with someone other than himself guarding his beloved's life. Especially after Naboo. Anakin might be the Chosen One, but he'd never even held a lightsaber. Not at all a trait Obi-Wan found endearing when it was Qui-Gon's life at stake.
Slowly he let his own thoughts go, seeking inside his mind that which was Qui-Gon. First he found Qui-Gon's love and equal desire never to be parted from Obi-Wan. He paused a moment to give that a scathing comment about rushing off to fight Sith without Obi-Wan at his side. There was a lot more he had to say on that subject -- and would, many times, but not tonight, and not to a thought image. No, he'd save all that for the irritating man himself.
He delved deeper and found the concern he expected. A soul-bond joined the lifespans as well as the soul. One bondmate never lived beyond the death of the other. He dismissed that with the same quickness Qui-Gon had. If their lifestyle allowed one of them the luxury of dying of old age, given the slight differences in their race and individual variances, Obi-Wan was as likely as Qui-Gon to be the cause of a premature death.
This was pointless. He'd thought of all of this before he'd even bedded Qui-Gon. But Qui-Gon would know that. His lover's concern must be over something Obi-Wan had not considered. Something a Padawan would not think of, but a Knight would. What could that be?
He let his mind drift, flowing though the Qui-Gonness within him. And found something unexpected. A swirling myriad of emotions and fears that translated roughly as 'I am the Master.'
Odd. Of course he was. ... Ah, a Knight had no Master. A Padawan never expected to be without one. All right, he'd found the concern, now what did it mean?
Start with the most obvious. What was a Master? A teacher, a protector, a. ... No, that was a Padawan's answer. A true and an important aspect of a Master, but not necessarily one a Knight would focus on. What was a Master to a Knight? The same answer, but 'former' proceeded it. Not that a Knight had nothing to learn from a Master or even that a Master had nothing further to learn, but that teaching was no longer the primary function and protection should be a mutual matter.
Master. Teacher. One who had guided a Padawan to Knighthood. Something Obi-Wan would never be. What? Oh, of course. If he bonded with Qui-Gon, he would travel with him, not a Padawan. He would never complete the most basic requirement to become a Master. Knight Kenobi for all his days.
Did that matter? He looked carefully into his own soul and found the concept held no concern for him. Qui-Gon was worth far more than a title. A stray thought touched his mind -- perhaps Anakin. More Qui-Gonness. Not something that would have occurred to Obi-Wan at all, but Qui-Gon had obviously entertained thoughts that Anakin might benefit by having two Masters, which would lead Obi-Wan to achieving the title officially. He shrugged inwardly. If it happened it happened. On this point he could be content no matter what the outcome.
Go further. What was a Master to a Knight? Someone who had more experience, who outranked all but a more senior Master. The one in charge. Yes, this was it, and he shifted uncomfortably. Qui-Gon outranked him and had twenty-two more years of experience. He didn't even need the lingering effects of the mind touch to know the deeper significance. With rare exception, all of that experience was gained on missions alone or with no Jedi higher than the rank of Padawan in tow.
The emotional reasons for a bond aside, the practical aspect in question was to prevent the Council from ever assigning them separately. Obi-Wan would always be part of pair, part of the phrase Qui-Gon and. ... When others were being generous. Many would not bother to know his name at all.
All the missions where he'd felt a flash of temper as those they dealt with had dismissed him as unimportant flashed through his mind. In every case he had found a measure of control in the fact that one day he would be the Knight struggling to hide his irritation at this slight to his Padawan.
Even were Qui-Gon to ignore protocol and allow Obi-Wan to handle negotiations, it would normally be seen as a grave insult to all parties involved. His lover was obviously older and the man, oh, Force, the man oozed 'I am in charge' from every pore. No, there would be no hiding who was the senior, and he'd never encountered a species who would gladly see a junior member of a negotiating team handle its crisis. And how could he blame them? Jedi weren't called in unless the stakes were high and everyone wanted who they perceived as the best to help them. Between his well earned reputation and his regal bearing that translated as Qui-Gon Jinn to any being with any sense.
No, there might be an exception from time to time -- a youth oriented culture for instance -- but to remain at Qui-Gon's side would mean remaining in his shadow.
Did it matter? Yes, he had to admit it bothered him, but why?
He'd been trained for it to be otherwise, had grown up expecting to be on his own, and
in charge most of the time. Was that it? He frowned and rejected that. Far too close to
lamenting lost glory for his tastes. His duty was to serve to the best of his ability.
I foresee you will be a great Jedi Knight. Qui-Gon had told him that in the last quiet moments they'd had together before the Naboo battle began. He knew great to his lover was not defined by glory and power, but by diligent service to the Jedi and those they protected. Did bonding change that? Would he never find that full potential if he were the Knight who traveled with Qui-Gon Jinn instead of Knight Kenobi? And if he failed to find that potential would others suffer?
Yes, he nodded. That was what he must decide. His love was greater than his need for title, for credit or leadership, but it must not be greater than his sense of duty.
Again he considered past missions and tried to see them with the eyes of a Knight. Often he had sat at his Master's side throughout an assignment, learning the art of diplomacy and negotiation from one few felt had any peer. But more often than not, their missions were two-pronged. Qui-Gon handled negotiations while Obi-Wan rooted out the problems, the deceptions that those who wanted to win at the conference table planned to sway any arbitrations.
He smiled slightly. He'd usually gotten into a great deal of trouble. Which he normally had gotten himself out of along with the information Qui-Gon had needed. They made a very good team. For years he'd thought it the norm for any Master-Padawan team, but a comment here a complaint there from fellow Padawans had slowly told him that from the very beginning Qui-Gon had given him responsibility beyond that of Obi-Wan's peers. And more importantly, that trust in him had never been misplaced.
The Council had known that and had assigned them accordingly. He did not see that changing. He felt a slight pang when he allowed himself to understand that the missions would grow even more dangerous with his new rank. A part of him longed to keep Qui-Gon safe and far from danger. Even worse it occurred to him that his lover would be the one sneaking through dark alleys or predator filled swamps on those few assignments when Obi-Wan was the one doing the negotiations. That he did not like at all. Darkly he told his Qui-Gonness that it would keep it's shapely backside in nice safe palaces and let Obi-Wan do what Obi-Wan was better at anyway.
He laughed then A joyous sound of equal parts relief and celebration. His strengths as a Jedi did urge him to the shadows and Qui-Gon cast such a beautiful long shadow. Duty would be served by this life. And he wanted this life with Qui-Gon.
Satisfied, he rose to his bare feet and found the sun up. Cursing he ran for the landing pads -- Qui-Gon's transport was scheduled to leave shortly after dawn. He knew it shouldn't matter. Qui-Gon would return with Shmi Skywalker. He had no doubts of that. Or he could simply take a separate transport to Tatooine, but he did not want Qui-Gon to leave without him.
A tendril of the Force to keep the robe closed over his naked torso the only thought he
gave to decorum, he ran for all he was worth through the Temple hallways. The transport
was on the landing pad when he skidded to a halt mere seconds after he'd left the garden.
Qui-Gon was talking to Yoda with Anakin sitting on the loading ramp listening. He'd made it, but signs of an imminent departure told him it had been a near thing. "Qui-Gon," he called.
His lover's head lifted and the blue eyes he loved so well sparkled as they studied him. //You are a lovely sight, my Obi-Wan.//
Obi-Wan snorted knowing he must look ridiculous, but didn't bother to argue about it. Instead, he strode to Qui-Gon's side, gazed into those eyes and said, "I have meditated as you instructed, my Master. And if my epitaph is that I loved you with all my heart and soul, I will be more than content."
"Told you so," he heard Yoda say to Anakin. "Owe me two pallies you do."
"Aww, at least I brought his bag," the boy answered, but Qui-Gon was taking Obi-Wan into his arms and all else faded away.
"I cannot change who and what I am, beloved," Qui-Gon murmured into his ear, "but I promise you there will be more to it than that."
"I don't care." And he didn't. Duty would be served, beyond that, the most important thing in the galaxy was holding him, leaning down to kiss him.
Their lips touched. //Do it now.//
//Now? On a landing platform?//
//You've made me wait long enough. Now.//
//My stubborn love. So little I can deny you.// The sigh he felt in his mind held nothing but amusement and love. //Focus on our training-bond, my Obi-Wan; focus on it, then reach for me with all your strength.//
Obi-Wan obeyed and felt. ... For a moment nothing touched him beyond the normal loving presence in his mind, then suddenly it deepened. Faintly he heard himself gasp as all the love in the world seemed to come to live in his heart. "Oh," he whispered, then wiped away the tear that had trickled from one midnight blue eye.
Such a simple, beautiful thing. He didn't know how he had existed without it. //My love, my Qui-Gon.//
He held and was held for an eternity, then the thump of a heavy stick to the ground pulled his attention to Master Yoda.
"If spectacle of yourselves you are through making, mission you have. On your way the three of you should be."
He felt Qui-Gon's amusement through their bond and caught the echo of his Master's Master's approval and affection pulsing through the old training-bond Yoda shared with Qui-Gon.
Unwilling to let completely go, Obi-Wan gripped Qui-Gon's hand, then lead him up the landing ramp. It would make quite the story when he told it in years to come -- his first mission as a Knight and a bondmate began with him wearing nothing but an oversized robe and a smile on his face. It promised to be quite an interesting life.
~end~