Master Apprentice Archive Quick search:

Master's Voice

by KatBear

(continued from Back to Chapter Fourteen)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Fifteen §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Hey, what's doing?" Ben let one hip rest against the counter in the UPA office.

"The usual. You're looking happy tonight." Sandy Miller stood in the door of her office, a bemused expression on her face. "Is it because it's Friday or is there a special occasion?"

"No, it's just been a good week, and I'm looking forward to running the board tonight," said Ben with a smile. "Can I leave my helmet in your office?"

"Sure, help yourself," Sandy said as she moved to one of the desks to check some paperwork.

As he placed his helmet on a bookcase, Ben reflected that it really had been a good week. He was pleased with the work he had put in on Sunday, had managed to fix a rather obscure problem at work, and had kicked himself in the butt hard enough that he managed to start a journal to help get him working through some of the personal issues he had been putting off.

Finn had not only walked him through the beginning of the square form on Wednesday but had given him a DVD a friend had helped him to make of Finn doing the square form, a DVD Ben intended to study closely. His smile widened; he would definitely work on finding opportunities to study the DVD very closely indeed.

"Well, hello there, my favorite tall, dark and handsome stranger, aren't you looking sharp. To what do we owe the honor of your presence tonight, if I may ask?"

Ben was drawn to the outer office by Sandy's voice. He stopped as he saw Quilan Finn in a freshly pressed uniform.

"One of the other rangers was supposed to come in for one of those 'job opportunity' TV shows," said Finn as he pushed the white Stetson hat back on his head. "He got sick and the boss volunteered me to come instead." He shrugged. "Since I'm here, I thought I'd stop by and say hi before I head over to the TV side."

"It's nice to see you, even if it means sharing you."

Finn looked beyond Sandy's shoulder. "Would you look at who else is here! How are you doing, Ben?"

"Hey. Doing pretty good." Ben leaned on the counter across from Finn. "I'll be working the sound for a live music show at seven."

They chatted for several minutes about various happenings at UPA. Eventually, Finn glanced up at the clock.

"I'd better be heading over to the other side."

"Come on, we can go down the back hallway," said Sandy.

They had gotten only a few feet along the hall when a tall woman in a well-cut pants suit came out of the restroom halfway down, a white lab coat slung over one arm. Her long, dark-blonde hair swung freely as she turned her head in their direction, then did a double-take.

"Qui?" She started toward them. "Quilan Finn? Is that really you?"

"Becky?"

Finn moved quickly toward the woman and enveloped her in a big hug.

Ben could tell from their excited comments that the stranger was clearly a close friend of Finn, and he had to fight down another unseemly spike of jealousy. He glanced at Sandy, who had a smile on her face. He raised an eyebrow in silent inquiry.

"That's Dr. Barklay. She used to teach here until she got a position as head of the Fish and Wildlife Biology Department at University of Montana about four years ago," Sandy said in a low voice. "She was very popular, has the brains to go with the beauty."

"Yeah, I guess she's mint," Ben muttered.

Finn turned as Sandy and Ben walked slowly down the hall, his arm still around the woman.

"Sandy, you remember Becky? I think you took a class from her, didn't you?"

"Yes, my senior year I managed to get it as one of my science electives. It's a pleasure to meet you again, Dr. Barklay." The two women shook hands. "I was on a waiting list for almost two years to get into your class, but it was worth it. It was tough but I really learned a lot, and enjoyed it too."

"Thank you very much." The doctor had a pleasant but firm voice. "That's one of the things I miss in my current position; I don't get a chance to do nearly as much teaching as I'd like."

"This is Ben Kennan. He's here tonight doing some volunteer work for Sandy's radio group," said Finn. "Ben, this is Dr. Rebecca Barklay, an old friend of mine. She's with the University of Montana these days."

"Pleased to meet you," said Ben as they shook hands. He was reluctantly impressed; Rebecca Barklay was not only physically striking but her demeanor was open and confident, the smile genuine but with a hint of an underlying unwillingness to tolerate fools gladly. "Are you here visiting?"

"Yes, combining business with pleasure. I was attending a conference this week and looking up some old friends, but I have to fly back tomorrow. I was asked to sit in on this TV show tonight to talk about some of the Fish and Wildlife programs our biologists work with." She held up the lab coat with a grin. "Got to look the scientist part, you know." She turned to Finn. "And speaking of old friends, I saw Mack Windham the first day I was here and he said you were going to be out on back country patrol all week, so I didn't bother calling. What are you doing here?"

"The long patrol was actually a couple of shorter patrols. We left about four a.m. on Monday, were in on Wednesday for a while, went back out and found what we were looking for. Since we came back so early today, I got sent over here after Pulaski had to go home sick." Finn smiled. "I have to admit I didn't volunteer for this, but now I'm glad I came."

An earnest young lady in a UPA Staff t-shirt came swiftly down the hall. "Dr. Barklay, the show starts in twenty minutes. We need to get going, please." She looked at Finn. "I hope you are the ranger from Keogami District?"

"Yes, Quilan Finn from the enforcement group."

Her face brightened. "Wonderful, you're the last one for the panel tonight. If you would both come this way?" She started walking back toward the TV studio.

"Nice meeting both of you," said Dr. Barklay as she turned to go.

"See you tomorrow, Ben," Finn added.

Sandy and Ben waved as they watched the other two disappear.

"I believe you have a show to get ready for as well, Mr. Kennan?" said Sandy with a grin.

"Yes, ma'am." Ben saluted smartly. "On my way."

**************** ***************

By the time he pointed Myrna down the road the next morning, Ben felt he had talked himself into accepting the fact that Quilan Finn had a life of his own long before he met a certain young motorcycle mechanic and that what happened in that life, then or now, was not really any of his business. After piecing together the bits of information he had been hearing about Finn's schedule, he realized that the man must have been giving him a remarkably large share of his free time, and he knew he should try to be more grateful for that gift. At least that's what he kept telling himself.

The familiar battered pickup sat in the drive, its tailgate down. Behind it, however, was an unfamiliar white sedan. Ben parked beside the truck and stowed his riding gear before walking past the porch. As he rounded the corner of the house he stopped short, frozen into immobility by the sight before him.

Apparently oblivious to the intruder's presence, Quilan Finn and Rebecca Barklay were standing a scant few feet away, locked in a deep kiss. Finn was clad only in a pair of blue sweatpants, his bare arms wrapped around Becky.

As the kiss lingered, Ben was washed by a wave of pain as the feelings he had been working to control erupted. Any last, tiny forlorn hope that he might someday win his ranger's love was ruthlessly ripped away, replaced by an icy emptiness. He could only stare helplessly, the whimpers of his bleeding heart locked inside.

Becky leaned back, her hands resting lightly on Finn's shoulders. They smiled at each other as she raised one hand to trail a finger down Finn's cheek.

Finn glanced up at Ben.

"I'll, uh, come back some other time," Ben stammered out, feeling a betraying flush rising rapidly up the back of his neck toward his cheeks.

"No, please stay," said Becky. She stepped away, still holding Finn's hand. "You're Ben, right? From the UPA last night?"

"Yes." Ben started backing away. "Look, I really think it would be better if I left." He wanted to run, to scream his hurt, but he couldn't force himself to move any faster.

"I'll just be a minute, Ben, then we can start our session," said Finn.

"Session?" Becky asked in a curious voice.

"I've been teaching Ben some Tai Chi," Finn said a little too casually.

"Oh, really?" Becky turned to look at Ben with a much higher degree of interest. She raised an eyebrow. "You would never teach me that stuff, you lug."

"I didn't think you were interested." Finn shrugged and looked away. He picked up a t-shirt from the nearby table and pulled it on.

"More water under the bridge, I suppose." She began tugging Finn along toward the front of the house. "I really do need to leave if I'm going to catch my plane."

Ben was reluctantly swept along, ending up perched on the tailgate of the truck as Becky made her farewells. He turned his head away during one last kiss, unable to watch as his misery settled into a lead weight in his gut.

"If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me," said Becky through the open window of the car.

"And if you're ever wanting to come back, I'll still be here." Finn kissed her hand, then stepped back. "Take care."

Finn sat on the tailgate next to Ben; he waved once as the car slowly backed out of sight.

"Funny how life works out sometimes," said Finn softly as he stared down the drive. "Becky is a great woman. I really thought she was the one... even proposed to her." He sighed. "Lord, that was a while back... over five years, but I've never forgotten her."

Ben didn't really want to hear any more, but like a sore tooth he couldn't help probing. "So what happened?"

"She's smarter than I am, I suppose. When I finally got up the nerve to pop the question, she just smiled and insisted we live together first." A rueful laugh. "I should have known something was wrong right from the start. Neither of us would give up our house, so we ended up alternating a week at each other's place. Worked at it for almost a year." A wistful half-smile. "Turned out we were both difficult to live with, and it seemed I was always stumbling over her feelings. Eventually, it was obvious that we were both too committed to our other passions in life."

"And?" Another drop of acid on Ben's flayed feelings.

"The final straw was when she got the offer in Montana. She wouldn't leave her lab and new position, and I wouldn't leave the Keo." He shrugged. "We agreed to part as friends, and that was that."

Ben just grunted.

"I'm telling you, Ben, women are wondrous creatures." Finn put a hand on Ben's shoulders. "But if I've learned nothing else about them, it's that I will never understand how they think or what they really want." He squeezed Ben's shoulder, then stood up. "Perhaps marriage just isn't in my stars." He took one last look down the drive, shook his head. "Ah well, life moves on. Come on, boy, we've got work to be doing."

Finn began walking away. He got several feet away and stopped, looked back with a puzzled expression as Ben still sat on the tailgate.

"Are you coming or not?"

A tiny voice of sanity screamed at Ben to stop and walk away until he regained control of his emotions. The pinprick went unheeded as pain and jealousy corroded his soul. It's bad enough the bastard is straight, he snarled to himself, but that damned woman had what I want and threw him away. A red haze throbbed behind his eyes, but he gritted his teeth, stood up and began walking.

The session started well enough. For several minutes they did stretches and breathing exercises together; the soothing familiarity of routine helped Ben to begin grounding himself. The little voice got a bit louder, reminding him that his feelings were quite irrational and he had no right to be jealous about a non-existent relationship. Unfortunately, when he looked at Finn, the man's happily sated expression spawned visions in Ben's head of Finn fucking Rebecca Barklay and painful reminders of what he was doomed to hopelessly forego. Every time it seemed to get a foothold, the echo of reasoned sanity was washed away by a fresh wave of bitter despondency.

"Sidai, the goal of the square form is precision," chided Finn gently. "You want to build the muscle memory so you don't have to expend so much of your concentration on doing the movements properly."

"Yes, Sifu."

"Sidai, try that again. Focus, and move from your center."

"Yes, Sifu."

"That's the third time you've made the same mistake, Sidai."

"Yes, Sifu." Ben was heedless of the touch of irritation that was creeping into Finn's voice.

"Sidai. Have you forgotten everything you've worked on the last month?"

"Sorry, Sifu," muttered Ben testily. He just wanted to get this over with so he could leave to nurse his ragged feelings in solitude and try to get himself back together.

"Stop the form," Finn said sharply. "Give me fifty pushups and then we'll try it again."

Ben stood for a moment. He said dully, "I don't think I feel like doing this today."

"That is the end of the session," Finn said coldly. He stepped close to Ben. "What is going on? I don't know where you are today, but it is clearly not here. I thought we had this discussion already; you tell me if there's a problem or you leave everything else outside the session. There is no point to any of this if your head is up your arse instead of paying attention."

The pain in Ben's heart morphed into anger at the incredible unfairness of his situation and the connection between brain and mouth was abruptly severed. "Maybe all this stuff isn't what it's cracked up to be." He clenched his fists. "Stupid worthless ancient philosophizing and breathing until you're bored silly and ridiculous talking to stupid fucking trees."

Finn moved back, his lips thinned and hands on hips. "When we had our talk about your boundaries, Mr. Kennan, we obviously should have talked about mine as well, because you have just plowed right through a couple of them."

"What does any of this shit matter? Standing around in stupid fucking poses like a dork is a fucking waste of time. It's not doing me any damned good."

"I have spent the greater part of my life making it matter, boy. It is the core of my soul, and I will not have some immature punk denigrate what he obviously does not understand." Finn's eyes narrowed and darkened to a gun-metal blue. "If you are ever ready to thrash out your questions in a civilized, rational and respectful manner, MAYBE I will be willing to discuss this further. Until such time, get on your fucking motorcycle and get out." He turned abruptly and walked away.

Ben was left standing speechless, staring at the figure that rapidly disappeared around the house. The slamming of a door echoed in the silence.

"Well, fuck you too," Ben called out, fuming, as he stomped back to Myrna, jammed on his jacket and helmet, and roared down the drive.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Sixteen §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For almost two hours Ben sought out backways, cranking the accelerator hard to eat miles. He ignored Myrna's complaints, twice almost losing the road as he slid around corners. Gradually his anger dissipated and he headed back toward home. He dropped his excess speed completely as he passed a police cruiser parked at the edge of a small town. A few miles later, he pulled off onto a small dirt road and parked, letting Myrna tilt to the left as she idled calmly. Without the road breeze, the noon sun beat down, causing sweat to trickle down his face when he pulled off his helmet.

For several minutes Ben simply sat and tried to sort through his feelings. Pain, foolishness and regret all mingled in a swirling, nauseous mass.

"Oh, Myrna, what have I done?" he whispered. Ben reached down to stroke Myrna, seeking a small measure of solace. Myrna chose that moment to grumble, sputter and die.

"Myrna? Myrna!" Ben began frantically working through the controls, trying to start her again. When he thought to check the gas tank, he stared down at the thin layer of gas sitting in one corner. "Shit. I can't believe I did that. Jesus, I am so sorry, Myrna." Slumped in the saddle, Ben could only shake his head, fresh anger now directed at himself. "Could I possibly be any more incredibly brainless?" Tears of frustration stung the backs of his eyes as Ben rocked back and forth, his face in his hands.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid. When the hell is the light going to dawn on Marblehead, you idiot," he berated himself. He dropped his hands and sighed. "Finn tried to help me and now he must think I am such a fucking asshole. He was really starting to like me; now I wouldn't be surprised if he never lets me near his place again after such a stupid, pointless insult." He hung his head and sat miserably for another few minutes.

A truck rumbling past on the lonely road drew his attention. Ben swallowed and dismounted. "Sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get us home. Let's see if we can't get you going again."

Carefully, Ben shifted the motorcycle back and forth to feed the last remnants of gas into the engine. He managed to get Myrna started and headed back to the small town. The fumes of fuel didn't last long; Ben let the bike glide for as far as possible but still ended up pushing Myrna down the hot asphalt for over a mile. He filled the tank at the lone station's pump and coaxed Myrna into forgiving him long enough to start up again. By the time he got home, it was after two.

As he parked in the garage, Ben was glad to note that both Tammy and Rafa's cars were gone. He didn't quite manage to escape company, however. Jane was in the kitchen stirring something in a small pot.

"Ben, you're just in time. I've been experimenting with a new chicken stew recipe and I'd like you to try it."

Not in the mood to talk but even less in the mood for explanations of why not, Ben sat down at the table and accepted the bowl that was put in front of him. He dutifully moved a few spoonfuls into his mouth but could barely choke it down. He sat staring sightlessly into the bowl, aimlessly pushing vegetables around chunks of chicken meat.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Ben blinked and looked up to find Jane sitting next to him. "Uh, it's good," he mumbled. "I'm sorry... I guess I'm just not very hungry right now." He put the spoon down.

"I'm not referring to the food." Jane smiled kindly and put a hand over his. "Do you want to talk about what's really ailing you, son?"

"I'm not sick, ma'am."

"Maybe not physically, but I'm not a fool, Ben Kennan. I didn't raise a boy of my own to a man and help shepherd young people at the church through their growing pains for over twenty years without learning a thing or two." Jane leaned forward, her hand pressing down just a bit. "You've been showing all the classic symptoms for a while now, Ben. You are in love, and the way you dragged in here, I'd say it's not going too well at the moment."

"No, ma'am, there's nothing like that." Ben floundered for words. "I, uh, ran out of gas and was, um, out in the sun too long... yeah, a little touch of heatstroke or something."

"Not only are you in love," Jane ignored Ben's weak explanation and plowed on, "but you are in love with Quilan Finn, and I'll lay dollars to doughnuts he doesn't have a clue."

Ben froze, his world crashing around him. "N'n'no," he stuttered, "I'm not... I mean, I don't..." A vision of being kicked out on the street yet again twisted his gut into knots.

"It's alright, son, I figured you're gay. I've suspected for quite some time." Jane had a firm hold on Ben's hand. She gave a small laugh and shook her head. "Good Lord, you look like a deer caught in headlights. Calm down."

Ben pulled his hand out of Jane's grip and sat back in his chair, his arms wrapped around himself. "What are you going to do?" His heart was hammering and he could barely get the words out.

"Do?" Jane looked puzzled for a moment, then shook her head sadly. "You poor boy. Somebody's done you down pretty badly about this before, haven't they?"

Ben could only sit and stare helplessly, his throat too constricted to speak further. He couldn't believe how horrendously wrong this nightmare of a day was going.

"I'll tell you what I'm going to 'do'," said Jane briskly. "It's high time we got the air cleared about some things around here. Stay put." She went to the phone and made a short call, then returned. "We are going for a little visit. Come on."

"I don't understand. Please, just tell me what you're going to do," Ben pleaded. "If I have to leave, at least give me a little time to pack."

"Ben Kennan, haven't you learned anything about me yet? I'm not that kind of person." Jane looked annoyed. "The only place you need to be going right now is with me."

"But..." Ben swallowed.

Jane leaned down into Ben's space. "I understand that you're feeling a mite upset, but I wouldn't be prying if it wasn't important. We really need to get some things straight, son." She smiled gently. "I do like you and I want you to stay." She paused. "Do you trust me, Ben?"

Ben looked up into Jane's eyes as he tried to calm himself and think. He finally nodded. "Yes, ma'am," he said quietly.

"Then come with me." Jane straightened and took a step back. "You'll understand why I truly don't mind you being gay if you'll talk to my friends."

Ben drew a deep breath, gradually let it out through his nose. "Alright." He followed slowly as Jane headed for the garage.

After a silent twenty-minute journey, they climbed out of the cab and went to the door of a modest rambler sitting in a row of similar houses with large wooded yards. Two tabby cats sunned themselves on the porch, barely blinking an eye as Jane knocked.

When the door opened, Jane was engulfed in a hug by a heavyset black woman in jeans and oversized t-shirt adorned with cartoon cats.

"Good to see you again, Jane." The woman waved expansively. "Come in, come in." She caught a glimpse of Ben. "Oh Lordy, do bring that delicious young man in here so we can get a better look at him." Her eyes twinkled as she laughed.

Ben started to balk, but Jane grabbed his arm and firmly pulled him along.

"Hello, ladies," said Jane. "Hope you had a good vacation."

"It was quite enjoyable. Thank you for asking." The precise, clipped tone belonged to another black woman, slender and short-haired, who was sitting in a rocking chair, one hand on a cane. Her features were weather-worn but serene. She seemed several years older than her fortyish companion.

"So who is this gorgeous stud you brought us?" asked the first woman.

"Linda, do behave. You are upsetting our visitor."

Jane smiled as Linda stuck her tongue out. "Ladies, I want you to meet Ben Kennan. He's boarding at my place, but needs a little enlightenment on some facts of life between us." She turned to Ben. "This joker is Linda Grant. She's a graphic artist and illustrator of children's books."

Ben shook hands, careful to keep his distance.

"And this is Elizabeth McCormack, formerly Lieutenant Colonel McCormack of the U.S. Army and now retired."

"You'll forgive me if I don't stand up. It takes a few days for my back to fully recover after long trips." She smiled. "One too many drops out of a perfectly good airplane, you see, is what led to my being forced to retire."

"Yes, ma'am." Ben gently shook the hand proffered to him.

"Collectively, these two make up the Liz 'n Linda pair, and they are among my dearest friends," said Jane as she led Ben to a place on the sofa, then sat down next to him.

"What you would like to drink? I've got root beer in the fridge," Linda said temptingly.

"That would be wonderful," said Jane.

"Nothing for me, thanks," Ben added.

"Alrighty." Linda went to Liz. "You stay there, honey, and I'll take care of things." She leaned down and tenderly ravished Liz's lips in a long kiss. She straightened and softly trailed the back of a finger along Liz's chin before departing for the kitchen.

Ben blinked and stared. "I thought you said you were in the Army. You just, I mean..."

"Yes, I was in the Army, and yes, you just saw me kiss my partner," Liz said with a whimsical smile. "As long as they can't prove it and you don't tell them, the Army prefers not to know about things like that." Her expression turned pensive. "It was a very dark closet for a lot of years, though."

"Yes, ma'am." Ben didn't know what else to say, so he sat and waited.

"Here we go, ladies." Linda distributed beverages, then plopped down on the sofa on Ben's other side. "So, what are we supposed to help enlighten our Mr. Ben about?"

"Well, the first thing is that he's lived in my house since March and it was getting right tiresome tiptoeing around pretending I didn't know he was gay, so I'm trying to convince him that I don't have a problem with that."

"Hey, I never actually said I -"

"Now then, Ben Kennan," Jane interrupted. "You look me straight in the eye and just try to tell me you're not gay or whatever you want to call it these days."

Ben swallowed hard. He looked at Jane, drew a breath, his jaw worked, but nothing came out. He finally had to look away.

"Ben, dear," Linda said softly as she patted his leg. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to men, or to women and men, or to purple Martians. Finding Liz has been the greatest joy I could ever have in my life."

"I know it shouldn't be wrong," Ben said, staring down at the floor. "But it's not that easy."

"The only thing wrong is other people's unwillingness to accept your right to live your own life the way you wish to," said Liz. "Unfortunately, they can be remarkably shrill and violent in their ignorance. I am assuming you have told no one else and wish to stay closeted?"

"Yes, ma'am." Ben looked across the room. He took a deep breath. "I'm... not ready to deal with being out yet."

"Then I can assure you that Jane will not tell anyone else that you don't want told," Liz said crisply. "But I can also assure you that it can be a very good thing to have a friend who knows and that you can talk to when things are difficult."

"I can understand that you didn't know who to trust when you first got to town, but I want to help you," said Jane. She took Ben's hand in hers. "I kept trying to throw out hints, but until I was sure, you have to admit that it would have been a little awkward to just come out and invite you to the church social because there were going to be some nice boys there that you might like to meet."

Ben finally smiled. "Yes, ma'am. I did wonder what you had in mind about when you kept trying to get me hooked up with a girl, and when I said no, you looked at me like you knew what I was really thinking." He had an alarming thought. "Is it... obvious?"

"No, Ben, but I've spent a lot of years watching people and learning a thing or two about how people work," laughed Jane. "Your secret is safe with me. I was curious, though, as to why you kept shying away from talking to me about it."

"A couple of things, I guess. You were a regular church-goer; in my experience religious types don't like homosexuals. And I'd have to say that I got pretty burnt out on the Catholic church back home. It just seemed like there was an awful lot of hypocrisy and I couldn't stomach it any more."

"Oh, my good Lord," Linda chuckled. "Jane hasn't managed to drag you to a single Sunday sermon?"

"No. Was there any reason I should have gone?"

"The Church of Universal Fellowship is very inclusive," said Liz. "Linda and I both belong. It's not a hellfire and brimstone sort of place at all. The focus is more on personal responsibility, help God to help yourself and your neighbors, and have some fun along the way."

"And the Reverend Charles Jenkins is about as flaming as they come," Linda chimed in with a big grin. "But he is very good about not making passes at members of the congregation or their friends," she added reassuringly.

"Well, maybe I will have to rethink that one of these days," said Ben with another smile. He looked at Jane, hesitated, rolled a shoulder. "The other thing, though..." He cleared his throat. "You had that picture of your son on your mantel. He was a Marine, and I've always heard that Marines are notorious for hating homosexuals. So I just sort of assumed that you didn't like gays."

"Richard was a good son and a good man," Jane said softly. "Being a Marine was the most important thing in the world to him. That doesn't mean he always agreed with everything in their policies." She smiled fondly. "When he was growing up, he did his share of experimenting. In the end he decided he liked everybody, if you will. He didn't tolerate bigotry. But serving his country and being a good Marine were so important to him that he was willing to give up some of his personal preferences to follow that dream."

"Looks like I was wrong all the way around, doesn't it?" Ben said ruefully.

"Ben, if you would like to have some friends, even if it is just somebody to talk to about your troubles, we will all be here for you if you wish," said Liz. "Or if you want some advice about places or people around here that are reasonably safe, you just have to ask. This is a comparatively decent place to live, especially with the university influence, but there are still places you probably won't be comfortable visiting."

"I know. I've seen a little of that first-hand," Ben said, thinking of the vandalism at the UPA building. "I appreciate the offer."

"May I ask what precipitated this particular outpouring of revelations today?" asked Liz.

"Our dear boy has a little problem." Jane squeezed the hand she was still holding. "You see, he is suffering in the throes of unrequited love and has been mooning around."

"Oooo, how romantic," gushed Linda.

"Oh, God," groaned Ben. He could feel the inevitable flush moving rapidly up the back of his neck. "I never said that either."

"Now that was the obvious part, at least to me," said Jane. "I had my suspicions about that too for a long while. Every time you were getting ready to go or coming back from his place, there was a little something different about you, and I caught you doing your share of starry-eyed sighing. So when everybody was out to help build the new corral, I was keeping an eye on you. When you thought nobody was watching, you kept sneaking a stare at Quilan Finn." She smiled, looked straight at Ben. "I know that look, son. It was hunger, pure and simple, hunger of the heart and soul."

"I'd hate to have done something really bad with you around." Ben shook his head slowly. "It's true. And that's a pretty good way to put it, too."

"Quilan Finn?" asked Liz. "I'm sure I've seen that name in the newspapers before."

"He works for the Forest Service in the Law Enforcement group," said Ben.

"That makes sense. I seem to remember the article was something about rounding up some drug smugglers."

"I got to talk to him a fair bit when he was over. He is quite a nice man, Irish charmer, forty-some, and sexy as all get out without making a big deal of it," said Jane. "I'd put him very high on the list of desirables if I was still in the market."

"And I suppose, of course, that he's totally straight," Linda said sympathetically.

"Very, not even a hint of possibly being bi." Ben sighed and slumped down in the sofa.

"I do know exactly how you feel." Liz rocked slowly. "Had the same thing happen to me when I was a young lieutenant. I fell hard for another female officer, not only straight but made it clear that she didn't think much of lesbians." She raised one eyebrow as she shook her head. "You hurt inside so badly, but you know you can't ever say anything."

"That's about how it is," Ben grimaced. "It's like a hole in your heart that you can't fill, a constant ache. I've tried to at least become his friend just so I can be with him, but there are times I don't know if maybe that only makes it worse."

"The way you were today when you came home, seems to me something has gone bad," said Jane. "You looked so terrible I just had to finally say something. What can we do to help?"

Ben bit the inside of his cheek as he looked at Jane, but he couldn't face her and hung his head. "I did something incredibly stupid this morning," he said quietly.

The room was silent as the three women let Ben find his words.

"Things had been going quite well, actually. Finn was teaching me Tai Chi and helping me sort out some issues; I believe he liked me, that we were getting to be friends." Ben glanced up briefly with a passing smile, then hung his head again. "I've been finding that I seem to have a problem with jealousy. Completely irrational and unwarranted, of course, as I have no right to say anything about what he does with the rest of his life. I was even jealous when Finn spent so much time talking to you at the picnic after we built the corral for Rafa's horse."

"We can't always control how we feel about something like that, Ben," Jane murmured sympathetically. "What happened?"

"I went over for a Tai Chi lesson and I found him kissing a woman. It was the kind of kiss where you knew they had spent the night together. Turned out she was a former lover back in town for a few days. Finn even told me he had proposed to her once and it didn't work out." Ben swallowed. "I felt like I had it thrown in my face just how impossible it was for me to ever have that kind of relationship with him."

He had to stop to take several deep breaths. "It just hurt so much... and I was angry that this damned woman had what I desperately needed and threw it away, and at the same time I was jealous because he went back to her. She left to go catch a plane, and I should have left then as well, but I didn't."

Ben stopped again, staring at the floor. Jane squeezed his hand gently.

"Anyway, we began the Tai Chi session. I thought I was starting to get it together, but then every time I looked over and saw Finn's face... I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but he had that kind of happy, well-fucked look... it was like sticking a red-hot poker in my gut and stirring it around." Ben chewed on his lower lip a moment, then let it slide out. He sighed. "I couldn't focus on the exercises, he was getting pissed off because I wasn't paying attention, he finally halted the session. I was so spaced out, I blurted out stupid and hurtful words about things I knew were important to him. He stopped everything right there and told me to leave."

Eyes bright with unshed tears and misery evident on his face, Ben finally looked up at Jane. "I don't know if he will even want to talk to me again after I was such a total jerk. I don't know what to do to try to get him to forgive me."

Jane put her arm around the distraught young man and pulled him close.

"There's always rough edges between people, Ben," said Jane. "That's part of life and always will be. Quilan didn't strike me as the sort of person who holds a grudge, though. You need to give it a try."

"I'm not sure I can. I was so completely wrong... I can still see the expression on his face, like he was angry and disappointed and hurt all wrapped together."

Ben looked up as a chair creaked; he watched as Liz slowly pushed up from the rocker, carefully walked over, then stood before him leaning on her cane.

"How much do you love this man?" Liz asked.

"More than my life." Even as the words came out of his mouth without thinking, Ben knew they were true.

"Do you know where to find him?"

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't go back to work until tomorrow," Ben replied uncertainly.

"You asked for advice, so I'm going to give it to you," Liz said firmly. "If you are truly serious about this, you need to go back to him as soon as you leave here, tell him you were wrong, and apologize as sincerely as you possibly can. Then it's up to him what to do about it."

"I don't know if he will even be home," Ben protested.

"Then sit outside his door until he gets back." Liz stared down at Ben. "It won't be easy at any time, but the longer you put it off, the harder it will get for both of you. Hurtful words fester like an untreated wound; it's far better to deal with the pain once now rather than live with a lifetime of regret."

The room was silent again as Ben struggled with his thoughts. Eventually he drew a deep breath, nodded slowly. He knew all too well the deep and lingering damage that sharp words could cause. He slipped from Jane's hold and stood up, looking eye to eye at Liz.

"You're right, of course." Ben paused, straightened his shoulders. "I just have to find the strength to do it."

Liz acknowledged his words with a brief dip of her head. She put out her hand.

"It was nice meeting you, Ben. Not to rush you out the door, but I think you have something you need to go do now."

"Yes, ma'am." Ben shook her hand. "Thank you."

Linda accompanied Jane and Ben to the truck, giving each of them a hug.

"Listen, Ben, Liz and I were serious about being around if you need some advice or a shoulder to cry on," Linda said. "But if you'd rather talk to a man, go see Reverend Jenkins. It doesn't matter if you're in the church or not and he won't push if you tell him church isn't your thing, but he'll help regardless and he'll respect your privacy."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

Linda stepped back to the porch as they got in. "Don't be a stranger," she called.

Jane smiled and waved as they backed out of the drive, then left Ben to his thoughts on the wordless drive home.

**************** ***************

Helmet in hand, Ben stood next to Myrna pondering his next actions. He had determined that he had no choice but to go to Finn today and try to make amends, but how to convince Finn to take him back?

Ben reached to stroke Myrna, but the cold metal was unresponsive. "Guess I owe you an apology, too. I should have listened to you this morning when you tried to tell me to slow down and pay attention."

"Be sincere, Liz said," he muttered. "How the hell do I do that?"

He hefted his helmet, started to put it on, paused. He looked down at Myrna thoughtfully, then put his helmet away. "I need to try to meet him closer to his terms." Ben ran his tongue along the edge of his teeth as he stared out the open garage door. "There's plenty of daylight left... if I bang a left at the power line right-of-way instead of going around by the road, it's probably less than four miles..."

Thirty-five minutes later Ben was jogging up the long drive to Finn's house. The sight of the old truck set his heart to pounding even faster than the long run warranted. He slowed to a walk, using the tail of his soaked shirt to wipe the sweat from his face. The heat of the sun made him wish he had thought to bring some water, but it was a little late to worry about that.

There was a feeling of emptiness despite the presence of the vehicle. Ben took a minute to get his breathing and pulse back to somewhere near normal. He blew out one final huge breath before heading around the house, making a complete circuit with no success. His heart beat a cha-cha as he stepped up onto the porch. Ben stood in front of the door a moment, then squared his jaw and knocked three times.

No answer.

"Damn." Ben stood uncertainly for a moment. He turned around, took a long futile survey of the clearing and finally sat down on the porch steps to wait.

It was pleasant in the late afternoon; sunlight flooded the clearing, birds sang in the distance, and trees gently waved in the light breeze. The charm was lost on Ben, however, as his attention was focused on listening for any trace of Finn's return.

Time seemed to drag second by second, minute by minute.

Ben tried to practice his breathing to keep his anxiety in check. At first he had little success, but he shook himself and walked through step by step from his toes to the top of his head. He stood and closed his eyes, listening to his breath as he pulled air in through his nose, down to his belly, then back up again.

In. Down. Hold. Up. Out.

Shoulders relaxed, pelvis tilted, head up, center, center, center.

In. Down. Hold. Up. Out.

Awareness of another being poked into Ben's consciousness. He opened his eyes, blinked.

Finn stood eight feet away, hands at his sides, a flat, guarded expression on his face. His gray t-shirt was streaked with sweat.

Any benefits from the breathing exercise were immediately lost as Ben's pulse shot back to triple-time.

"Hey," said Ben tentatively. A weak smile flickered and died in the face of stony silence. Ben swallowed hard and shifted his feet.

Finn looked around, looked back at Ben. "Where's the motorcycle?"

"At home, sir. I ran." Ben shrugged. "It's only about four miles if you follow the power line over the hill."

"Hmmph," Finn grunted. He started walking toward the house.

"I wanted to apologize," Ben began as Finn started to pass him.

"Wait out here if you must." Finn was up the steps and inside before Ben could say anything further.

"Yes, sir," Ben muttered to the closed door.

After having worked himself up to his task, Ben felt thoroughly deflated after the curt encounter. He sat back down on the steps, shoulders slumped, head in hands.

"I suppose that could have been worse," he mumbled through his fingers. "At least he didn't outright tell me to leave again."

Ben raised his head for a moment. He sighed heavily and resigned himself to waiting for however long it took.

Time once more passed slowly. Occasionally Ben would stand and stretch when he got too stiff from sitting, sometimes adding a few stretches or walking around a bit. He didn't want to get very far away, though, and quickly returned to his post on the steps. The sun crawled by overhead, shadows of trees eventually starting to creep across the clearing.

The schnick of a door latch opening pulled Ben to his feet.

Finn was freshly showered, hair still wet, clad in dark green sweat pants and a light green t-shirt with a Forest Service logo on the breast. He held an open bottle of water in his left hand. He stopped at the top of the steps and looked down at Ben.

"Well?"

The brusque snap made Ben flinch as he jerked his shoulders back. He swallowed and tried to find his tongue as he craned his neck back to look up. Evidently Finn had no intention of making this easy.

"I want to apologize for this morning - if you will let me," Ben said slowly, forcing himself to clearly enunciate each word. "I was a complete jerk and I said some very stupid things which I very much regret."

Ben felt small and grungy as he waited in the heavy silence. His neck itched from dried sweat, his mouth was dry and he felt that the sound of his racing heart must surely be audible all the way home. He couldn't bear to look up any more and lowered his gaze to the bottle in Finn's hand. That only made his thirst worse as he watched drops of condensation slide down the clear plastic.

"Let's go back to where that unfortunate conversation started. You still owe me something from then."

"Huh?" Ben blinked and cast his thoughts backward, trying furiously to figure out what in the hell Finn was talking about as he breathed through his partially open mouth. He snapped his mouth shut and looked back up as light dawned. "Oh, that. Yes, sir."

Ben slid over a few steps onto the grass and dropped down. He began methodically knocking out pushups, taking particular care to maintain proper form and go all the way up and all the way down to the ground without stopping. When he reached fifty, he waited in the up position, breathing heavily from nervousness as much as the exertion.

Ben had counted to fifty again in his head before he heard the welcome command to stand up. He jumped to his feet and took a deep breath.

"Alright, Mr. Kennan. Talk to me about this morning."

"I apologize for those things I said. I was an idiot and completely wrong. I really do appreciate everything you have done for me and..." words caught in his throat "and I hope you can forgive me."

"Do any of those remarks reflect your true feelings?" Finn asked softly.

"No, sir." Ben looked up at Finn. "I was just throwing out stupid barbs without thinking. I feel terrible about having said any of that. Please," he pleaded, "you have to believe me."

Finn sighed, tossed the almost-full bottle at Ben and jumped down over the steps. He jerked his head to the right and began striding swiftly toward the corner of the house.

Ben caught the bottle and gratefully began sucking down water as he hurried to catch up. He sat down at the table across from Finn.

"Thank you," said Ben. "I appreciate the water and the chance to talk."

"Ben..." Finn looked steadily at his errant student. "You were making nice progress until this morning, but I have to tell you that you really caught me off-guard with that shit and I had to end that situation before I also did and said some regrettable things. What the hell was really going on?"

"There's no excuse, sir. I can only offer that I am clearly a very imperfect human being." Ben looked down at the top of the table, his hands under his thighs, his face scrunched in embarrassment. "I haven't been making much progress at all in some of my personal issues... and I guess I was so desperate for friendship I started getting jealous." He cursed inwardly at the inexorable heat crawling up his neck and hunched down a little lower. "I know you've been doing a lot for me... giving up so much of your time and attention." He sneaked a quick glance upward. "I was being stupid this morning about Rebecca Barklay, and I should have stopped or left or something before I let my emotions get that far out of control. I'm really, really sorry."

Finn ran a hand through his hair. "Maybe we need to add a few more ground rules. You couldn't have picked better topics to attack with if you had worked on it for a month of Sundays, and I'm still dealing with being blindsided by that. You can challenge me and I do still want you to ask questions if you don't understand something, but I too have boundaries you shouldn't cross if you want to stay; whatever you might think about me as a person, respect for the things I believe in is high on that list. Understand?"

"Yes, sir." Ben felt lower than the belly of Harry the snake and wanted to crawl away right about then.

"If you've got a problem of any sort that you can't separate from the session, you need to tell me before it gets out of hand. Otherwise, I think next time you do something stupid like that, I'm going to show you what the martial arts part of Tai Chi is all about and pound your sorry arse."

"Yes, sir." Ben pulled his hands out and wrapped them around the water bottle. "I, uh, did start a journal. I was hoping that writing my thoughts down might help," he offered diffidently, trying to salvage something positive. "And I've been doing exercises every day." He licked his lips. "Now that I understand how bad the problem with this jealousy stuff is, I'll add that to the list of things that are fucked up inside me." He hung his head. "I'm sorry I'm being such a pain."

"You're not a pain, Ben." Finn stood up. "Well, at least not most of the time," he said wryly. He came around the table and put a hand on Ben's shoulder. "We are all imperfect beings, but as long we recognize that and work on getting better, that's all one can realistically ask for." He squeezed Ben's shoulder once and stepped away.

Ben looked up. "So what happens next?"

Finn looked steadily at the young man for a long moment, finally nodded and smiled. "Right now, we have unfinished business, so shift your arse and let's have a proper session." His expression turned stern at Ben's quick grin. "If you can focus this time. Can you do that?"

"Yes, sir," Ben breathed out in a sigh of relief. "Thank you." This time Ben permitted himself only the tiniest of smiles as he followed Finn out into the clearing, determined to prove himself worthy of this second chance.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Seventeen §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After that late Saturday session with Finn, Ben had insisted on running back, a much easier journey than his outbound trip, despite being tired. When he had reached home, all three women had been gathered around the kitchen table eating, so Ben had simply smiled and given Jane a discreet thumbs-up before heading downstairs for a welcome shower.

Life settled down into a new track for Ben; on the surface nothing had changed, but there was a certain level of relaxation in his relationship with Jane now that she shared his secret. She didn't ask questions, but an occasional smile or look let him know that she was there for him. His days were filled with work and sporadic overtime during the busy summer season, his Tai Chi practice, weight work, running and occasional stints at UPA. Ben even managed to finish the training he needed for the Forest Service Volunteer program and his ongoing education in the garden filled in any remaining gaps in the daylight hours.

Thursday was another very early morning session. Finn took Ben on a relatively short but very intense run that once again left the younger man gasping in his wake.

"Just a reminder that you have a long way to go, Mr. Kennan," said Finn with a droll smile as Ben leaned over, hands on thighs, to suck in air.

"Yes, sir." Ben looked up between two deep breaths and nodded. "Point taken."

"Good. Let's get started."

Ben threw himself into the session, working hard to shelve any distractions. For an hour he let nothing but the sound of Finn's voice and the feel of his own body into his head. His reward was two-fold; after the final bow he felt at ease with himself and also won a smile from his teacher.

"Good progress today, Ben," said Finn as they relaxed at the table. "You looked like you were actually starting to understand the movements from within."

"It does come a bit more easily when I don't let any distractions interfere." Ben took a sip of water.

"I have generally found that to be the case." Finn's smile turned into thoughtful pursing. "Is your self-analysis coming any easier as well?"

Ben looked down for a moment, sighed before looking back. "The journal I've begun at least forces me to sit down and try to work on it, but when I look at what I've written, it sounds more like just random thoughts than anything useful. I seem to tend toward venting about some of the specific problems I had those last few years." He didn't add that the pages also tended to get covered in variations of Quilan Finn's name and doodles of his distinctive profile.

"Break it down into small bits instead of trying to solve a big problem."

"What do you mean?"

Finn thought for a few seconds. "The next time you sit down with your journal, write about the first memories you have of your father. No judgments, no analysis, just thoughts and feelings. Start at whatever age you first had awareness of your father. Just keep writing until you are finished, then put it away for a day or two before you go back and read it."

"I'll give it a try. What am I trying to accomplish?"

"Just a place to start thinking about your life and how the relationship with your father developed. Start from the beginning with what you remember, then later you can move on to other small bits. You don't have to show me any of it or even talk about it; just do it."

"Alright." Ben nodded thoughtfully. "I will. Thanks."

"We need to discuss our schedule, also. There is a new investigation in hand and I'm probably going to have to go out on a long patrol for several days, so I won't be able to meet with you on Sunday. I hope to be back for next Wednesday, but you should give me a call before you come over, just to be sure."

"Can do. I'll be off by four so I'll keep that evening free." Ben glanced at his watch. "If there's nothing else, I'd better be heading home to get ready for work."

They walked back around the house and Ben put on his jacket and helmet. He got on his motorcycle, but turned toward his companion when he noticed that Finn seemed to be watching him intently.

"Is there a problem?"

Finn looked past Ben as he held his bottle of water in one hand, a thumb rubbing circles on the slick surface. "About Saturday..."

"I am very sorry about that, sir." Ben tensed. "Is there something else I've screwed up?"

"No, not at all." Finn hesitated, then took a breath. "I just wanted to say I'm glad you came back." He smiled a lopsided shrug of a smile. "Anyway, like you said, it's time to be off to work. See you later."

Ben still sat on Myrna, unmoving, after Finn had retreated inside his house. Finally he started her and headed down the drive.

"Well, well, what do you think about that, my girl?" he said wonderingly.

Myrna just rumbled smugly and sped down the road.

**************** ***************

It seemed the week's surprises were not over. Thursday evening the three boarders were enjoying a glass of iced tea while waiting for dinner to finish cooking in the oven when Jane came in from the barn and shooshed the two dogs into the laundry room.

"Couple of letters came in the mail for you, Tammy," said Jane as she pulled down some envelopes from a niche near the door.

"Thanks," Tammy said, reaching out for the missives.

Rafa talked to Ben about some of the choices she was looking at for her college major. She had gotten to the merits of wildlife management versus pre-veterinary when they were interrupted by a whoop.

"I got it! I got it!" Tammy exulted.

"What did you get?" Jane asked, pausing before opening the oven door.

"A new job in California!" Tammy jumped up and began hugging everybody. "Southern California! No more snow!"

There was a general round of congratulations and questions.

"That's wonderful for you," said Jane. "Do you have a place to stay?"

"My cousin said I could stay with her if I got the position." Tammy hugged Jane one more time. "I've enjoyed living here, but I don't think I could deal with another winter."

"I understand, dear. I've enjoyed having you." Jane smiled. "You must let us do a farewell dinner for you."

Ben watched quietly as the women began their planning, inwardly amused at yet another example of Jane's people sense as he remembered her prediction.

Saturday brought the beginning of August and an altogether different bolt from the blue.

The late afternoon was bright and hot as Ben wheeled Myrna into the welcome coolness of the garage. He stood by the door and wiped the sweat from his face as he idly looked over the dark blue convertible parked along the side of the drive. He wondered if Jane already had a potential new boarder and what changes that might bring to the dynamics of their little household.

Ben went through into the kitchen; Jane was sitting at the table facing him and another woman was at the table with her back to him, shoulder-length brown hair lightened by the sun floating above an aqua-blue silk blouse. Not wanting to interrupt, Ben silently waved a hand in greeting. He stopped and took a closer look as it seemed there was something remarkably familiar about the stranger.

"Don't leave, Ben. You've got someone here to see you," said Jane. There was a big smile on her face as she gestured toward the visitor.

The woman rose gracefully and stepped toward Ben.

"Maureen!"

Ben rushed forward and swept his sister up in a huge hug.

"God, I've missed you so much," Ben murmured as he squeezed harder, grinning from ear to ear.

"I've missed you too, but a little air would be nice." Maureen laughed as she pushed Ben to arm's length. "Let me look at you."

Maureen put a hand on each of his shoulders as she scrutinized her sibling from head to toe. Apparently satisfied with what she saw, she smiled and hugged him once more before stepping back and speaking.

"You're looking good, Ben," said Maureen softly. An unspoken concern lurked in the green-flecked brown eyes.

"I'm doing fine, better than I could have hoped," said Ben.

A clearing throat caused both of them to turn and step toward the table.

"I take it you two have met?" asked Ben. The grin still lit his face as he held Maureen close with an arm around her shoulders.

"We have indeed," said Jane. "We haven't had a chance to swap embarrassing stories about you yet, though."

"We'd probably be here all night if I let you get started on that," laughed Ben.

"Or a couple of days," Maureen chimed in. She poked Ben in the side. "I quite like your landlady, and it seems she has been taking good care of you."

"Yes, she certainly has." Ben turned a fond smile on Jane. "I've found a home here with her help."

"Well, I'm glad you seem to be doing well, but you've not been doing a good job letting me know about it." Maureen pulled away and stood, hands on hips, a stern look on her face. "I'm very disappointed in you, little brother."

"I'm sorry." Ben's grin fled. "It's just that I didn't want you to worry when things weren't going so well and it seems that lately I've been very busy."

"I've decided to do something about it." Maureen went to a large box sitting near the table, opened it and pulled out a laptop computer which she shoved into Ben's hands. "I've brought you a present. Laptop, accessories, printer and a subscription to a dialup internet service. I expect you to use it."

Ben looked down and recognized the model as an expensive one. He looked up. "I appreciate the thought, but I can't take this. It's too nice..."

Maureen rolled her eyes and looked at Jane. "I see he's still got a stick up his butt about accepting help."

"I have noticed that he is quite a prideful young thing," said Jane, not bothering to hide her smile.

"Wait a minute - "

"No, you wait a minute." Maureen poked Ben in the chest. "This is for MY benefit, not yours. You don't write snailmail, you almost never call or return my calls, your emails have been few and too far between lately, and dammit I worry about your sorry ass. It's not a new computer; it's my old one from last year and I've got a brand new better one." She poked again. "So let me make this very clear, Ben Kennan. You will take the computer, you will set it up, and you WILL send me an email at least twice a week so I know you're still alive, you miserable dimwit."

"Oh," Ben said weakly, flushing in embarrassment as he realized how much his shortcoming had bothered Maureen. He looked back and forth between Jane and his sister. "I guess when you put it like that, I don't quite know what to say..."

"Just say yes and thank you." Maureen put the laptop back in the box. She sat down and shook her head. "Men."

"Yes and thank you." Ben took a hesitant step, his face a mask of contrition. "I am sorry."

Maureen looked at Jane and quirked an eyebrow. "What do you think?"

"Hmmm." Jane considered Ben appraisingly. "He does work hard, and it's not like he can help being so young - and a man." She grinned at Maureen.

"I suppose so," Maureen sighed theatrically, then looked up at Ben. "Alright, little brother, I guess I'll keep you." She smiled and wiggled an eyebrow.

Ben leaned down and kissed her cheek with a much more sincere, "Thanks." He straightened, then fetched himself a glass of water before sitting down at the table.

"How are things at home?" Ben asked quietly.

"About the same as usual," said Maureen with a shrug. "I want to know about you, Ben. Are you really doing alright?"

"Yes, things are getting better. I like my job, and I'm starting to get myself together," said Ben with a diffident smile.

"I was truly getting concerned. You haven't been saying much in the emails you did send." Maureen put one hand over Ben's on the table. "But it sounded a little like you've found a friend." She raised an eyebrow. "You know, a special friend?"

Ben tilted his head, then raised an eyebrow of his own in understanding. "Sort of." He leaned in a little and said very quietly, "I'm not out, but Jane knows about me. She figured it out on her own, and she knows how I feel about a man named Quilan Finn. I meant it when I said she's been a good friend."

Maureen stood up and slowly walked around the table. She stopped and wordlessly leaned down to hug Jane. "Thank you," she whispered, her eyes bright.

Jane returned the hug and then stood up herself. "Ben's a nice young man. He'll be fine." She cleared her throat. "I'm sure you folks have a lot of catching up to do, and I've got a bit of work that needs doing for my four-legged boarders. You said your plane doesn't leave until tomorrow, so you're welcome to stay the night."

"I don't want to put you out," said Maureen. "I've got a room reserved up by the airport."

"No trouble at all. There's a daybed in the sewing room you can use, and it would be nice to have the company."

"That's very kind of you. Thanks."

"I'll see you a bit later. We'll be eating supper in about an hour." Jane smiled, nodded at Ben, then gathered Dexy and Delilah and headed for the barn.

Ben and Maureen looked at each other for a moment.

"Why don't we take your computer to your room?" suggested Maureen.

"Good idea. Come on, I'll bring the box."

The container was hauled down and its contents unpacked. Ben found a phone jack behind the desk and Maureen insisted that the computer be set up and tested, pestering her brother until he had gotten the internet connection working and had sent her a test email.

"Alright, alright, the email went and your address is in the directory and everything." Ben feigned a grumble from his seat at the desk. "Happy?"

"I'll be happier when I actually get regular emails from your lazy ass," Maureen said with a mock frown. She stood behind Ben with a hand on his shoulder. "Ben..."

"What's up?"

"Look at me." Maureen shifted to stand beside Ben and leaned down. Softly she said, "Tell me true, tell me true, best friends heart twixt me and you," invoking an old childhood ritual that had signified truths and secrets of earth-devastating importance between them, "I need to know how it's really been going with you since you left, little brother."

The casual atmosphere of the visit vanished; the sudden and unexpected words shattered much of Ben's composure and let his long-hidden pain burst through. His throat tightened, he stared open-mouthed, unable to speak. Somehow he managed to lurch to his feet and reached blindly for his sister, clinging to her, trembling as the tears he had denied himself for so long ran unheeded down his face.

"It's alright, Ben... I'm here," Maureen crooned as she held him tight. "Let it go... let it go."

Slowly the blackness bled away, cleansed by the healing release. Ben took several deep breaths as he loosened his grip on both his sister and the bleak emptiness that had been trapped behind his pride and loneliness. He blew out one final long breath and raised his head.

"You look terrible," said Maureen with a little smile.

"I feel better, though." Ben stepped back, looked down. "Um, sorry, I seem to have gotten snot all over your blouse." He dragged the back of his hand across his nose.

Maureen laughed. "You always have such a wonderful sense of the priorities in life. Come on, where's your bathroom? We need to get you cleaned up."

Several minutes later they were back in Ben's room. Ben sat on one end of the bed leaning against the headboard, his face freshly scrubbed. Maureen sat cross-legged near the other end, leaning against the wall, clad in one of her brother's t-shirts while her blouse hung in the bathroom drying.

"First, I want to know what's been going on with you and how you ended up here," said Ben.

"Fair enough, I suppose, since there's not really that much to tell," said Maureen. "You know I was in school until I graduated in May, and in September I'll be going to Georgetown Law School in DC. I'm looking forward to that; it's a dual degree for Juris Doctor and what they call a Doctorate in Government Master of Arts En Passant. It's a great program and should give me a wonderful base for getting into one of the firms dealing with public and international issues."

"So you're still going in for causes instead of the money?" said Ben with a grin.

"You know that's what I've always said, not that there isn't money to be had along the way if you go after the right targets occasionally. Lars is only in it for the money," sniffed Maureen. "That's one of the reasons I wanted that program. Lars is getting his law degree in the spring, but I'll be Doctor Kennan when I graduate, a fact which I will be certain to point out."

"You are so bad," laughed Ben.

"One of the things that hasn't changed is that Lars is still a bastard and a jerk, so I figure he deserves it." Maureen shrugged.

"So what are you doing out here?"

"I've been on that internship I told you about with a firm in San Francisco, left a couple of days after I graduated. I've had a wonderful time working on conservation issues and exploring. There's a fantastic gay community, which is what kept me thinking about you." Maureen pursed his lips and shook her head. "As I said earlier, you weren't saying much in your emails, and I was worried about you."

"I didn't mean to be a bother, but things have been a little... complicated."

"I know, but I couldn't tell what was really happening, so I started tracking you down. I found that motorcycle place where you work, so I knew what town you were in. Then I did some searching on the phone number you had called from a couple of times to find the house. I took a long weekend off, booked a plane ticket, rented a car and drove around until I found this place."

"You always were persistent once you decided you wanted something." Ben snorted and grinned.

"You're not the only one with a streak of stubbornness, little bro."

"I'm glad you came." Ben looked steadily at Maureen, a corner of his mouth quirked up.

"That's what big sisters are for." Maureen tossed her head.

"How is..." Ben hesitated, looked down. "How're Father and Mother?"

"Father hasn't really changed, maybe a little more cynical and hypocritical. He got another promotion at work, and he's still playing the social scene and big shot game." Maureen sighed, the light in her eyes dimmed. "He still won't even acknowledge your existence. For a little while if anybody insisted on asking, he just said you went away and weren't coming back. He got so frosty about that no one even bothers to ask any more, not even relatives." She smiled a little. "He did manage to piss off Grandmother Lanahan. Not that she was ever big on children or grandchildren, but she is fixated on treating everyone fairly. I heard she didn't like the way Father talked to her when she asked after you a while back. They had an argument and now neither of them will speak to the other."

A tiny ghost of a grin flickered and died. "You were right about stubbornness running in the family, I see." Ben sighed, his head still bowed. "I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different."

"Ben, the problem is with him," Maureen said fiercely. "You are a good person and it is none of his business what you do with your private life. It is not your problem if he can't accept that."

"Thanks." Ben quirked a little smile. "I guess sometimes I need to be reminded." He hesitated again. "What about Mother?"

"That one's a little harder," said Maureen thoughtfully. She rubbed a thumb along the seam of her jeans for a moment. "I know she's always been a little distant..."

"I suppose that's one way to put it," said Ben, a sarcastic lilt in his voice.

"That's not completely fair. It's not her fault that neither she nor Grandmother Lanahan seemed to be cut out for motherhood, and I've always thought there was more to her than just her social and charity work. You have to admit she has always truly believed in the Catholic faith, and I think she's a lot smarter than Father, if you can ever get her to talk about things like books and philosophy."

"If you say so." Ben shrugged.

"I overhead her talking to one of her friends that was at my graduation; they were reminiscing about their college days. I did a little sleuthing about that, too. I found out that Mother had a Master's with top honors, mister skeptical."

"For real?" Ben sat up straighter.

"I even found a picture in their online archives. Master's in English Lit."

"But she never said anything about it to us." Ben shook his head. "Just mentioned that she met Father in college, never anything much about what she did there. I always assumed she was talking about when she was working on her bachelor's degree."

"Anyway, I think Mother has been having some second thoughts about you."

"What do you mean?"

"She was spending more time visiting the priest before I left," said Maureen. "And she actually asked me if I had heard anything from you. She seemed rather sad."

"She'll never go against Father." Ben's jaw was set, his tone bitter.

"Perhaps not, but in her own way I think she misses you, so don't write her off altogether. I don't want to see you turning into someone like Father." Maureen looked at Ben, her head lifted. "Please?"

Ben rolled his lower lip between his teeth, then let it slide out. "Alright." He nodded. "I didn't know about her degree, so I suppose there could be a lot more I don't know or understand about her."

"That's my Ben." Maureen gave him a wide smile. "Now it's your turn. I want to hear more about what you've been up to and what's going on with you now."

For the next twenty minutes Ben talked about the various places he had visited after he left home. Looking back, he was even able to have a rueful laugh about that maudlin night on his twenty-first birthday. He ended up talking about finding Jane, his volunteer work at UPA, and his work at Midway.

"So anyway, I never did understand why I ended up out here, but I want to stay. I've met some people who have been very good to me, especially Jane, I'm starting to feel at home here, and I've got a steady job. I do still have some issues in my head to work on; my feelings about Father, about being gay, and I've discovered a few things I don't like about myself, such as how much I miss having lots of money."

"And what about that man you mentioned? Wynn or Finn or whatever?"

"Quilan Finn," Ben said softly, a dreamy gleam in his eyes. "He's wonderful."

"Details, details!" demanded Maureen with a knowing laugh. "Have you found your soul mate?"

Ben's face fell. "I wish." He sighed. "Quilan Finn is with the Forest Service, sort of like a police officer in the woods. I met him through the UPA actually." He smiled. "He has the most magnificent voice... you really should see and hear him doing readings." He shook his head. "It's been a little rocky at times, but I think we're becoming friends. Finn is teaching me Tai Chi and has really given me a kick in the ass about getting my life together instead of drifting along. He's an incredible man."

"Sounds like love to me."

"I do love him," Ben said, his voice so low it could barely be heard. He hung his head and sat very still.

"And how does he feel about you?"

"I think he likes me, but that doesn't matter." Ben raised his head. "He's completely straight."

"Oh, Ben, you poor thing." Maureen crawled along the bed to sit beside her brother and draw him into a hug. They sat silently for a long moment. "What are you going to do?" she murmured.

"The only thing I can do is try to stay his friend," Ben said. He leaned into the hug. "At least that way I can have a little bit of him, even when it hurts to be with him because I know I can never really have him."

"He must be quite a man if you're that lost on him."

"He is." Ben had a thought and sat up. "I can show you." He climbed out of bed and went to his desk. "Here, he gave me a DVD of himself doing the Tai Chi routine I'm supposed to learn." He grinned. "I can play it on the computer now instead of having to keep sneaking upstairs late at night to use Jane's TV and player." Ben put the disc in the computer and turned on the presentation.

"Oh. My." Maureen nudged Ben aside to get a closer look as the precisely controlled power flowed on the screen.

"What do you think?" Ben's grin was even wider as the show ended.

"I haven't seen anything that smoking in ages." Maureen pantomimed fanning herself. "Talk about hot!"

"Oh, yeah," breathed Ben. "Scorching!"

"Well, if you're going to die of unrequited love, you certainly picked a worthy target to swoon over." She hugged Ben again. "If you ever give him up, you absolutely must let me know."

Ben's response was interrupted by a call from the stairway. "Supper in ten minutes."

"Coming, ma'am," Ben called back up, then turned to Maureen. "We should head up."

Tammy was out on a last round of parties with her friends, so there were only four for the meal. Maureen had always been a good people person, so she kept the conversation flowing easily with tales of Boston and Ben's misadventures, while encouraging Jane and Rafa to speak by showing a genuine interest in them. They lingered over ice cream and apple tarts for quite a while before Ben and Maureen retired to the back porch to talk some more, staying late into the night with reminiscences of the past and hopes for the future.

The next day Ben had to be at work by ten, so Jane put on a big breakfast before sending them on their way. Maureen followed Ben in, stopping at Midway to see where Ben worked and to meet his coworkers, then Ben went back out to the rental car to see her off.

"I really appreciate you coming out to see me," said Ben as they stood by the car. "I missed you a lot, but I didn't want to sound like I was whining."

"I understand. I missed you too, but I know how important it's been to you to be able to stand on your own two feet, even when I thought you went a little too far in not wanting to accept help."

"That's another thing Finn is trying to knock into my thick skull," Ben said with a laugh. "To accept help with grace and dignity, and stop being stupidly stubborn about some things."

"Sounds like he's been good for you." Maureen lowered her voice. "I know it seems pretty impossible from what you've told me, but I do hope something might work out some day."

"Who knows, I can always hope for a miracle." Ben ducked his head and shrugged.

Maureen pulled her brother into a long hug before reluctantly letting him go and climbing in the car.

"Remember, I want to hear from you. Write me, email me or call collect. You got that?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks again for the computer." Ben leaned in the window. "Love you, big sister."

"Love you, too, little brother. Take care."

Ben stood back, waved as the car pulled out. He smiled wistfully as he stood watching it disappear down the road, then shook himself and went back to work.

**************** ***************

"Penny for your thoughts, Ben." Jane chuckled a little. "Or should I say Irish pence?"

"Oh, sorry." Ben ducked his head with a rueful grin, realizing he had been sitting and staring into his bowl of oatmeal ever since Rafa had left the table to feed her horse. "Yes, it seems like he's always in there somewhere." He decided he was finished and took his bowl to the sink to wash it. "I wanted to thank you again for letting Maureen stay over last week."

"Tschaw, just basic hospitality, son," said Jane. She turned a page in her account book and made some notes. "Your sister appeared to be a fine young woman, and it surely did cheer you up seeing her."

"It seems like she's always taken care of me, one way or another," said Ben. He put the bowl and silverware away, then leaned against the counter. "It was good seeing her again. I didn't realize just how much I really missed her until then."

"Family's a powerful thing in this world," said Jane as she jotted a few more figures. "Blood kin or not, family can be a comfort or a curse."

"Yes, ma'am." Ben nodded, a pensive touch of smile on his lips. "I've been finding that out more and more these last several months."

"That's a good thing to know." Jane straightened up from her book and turned her head. "Here's another good thing. You're doing darned fine on your account. Been staying up with the current rent right proper and looks like we should have you all caught up with the back rent and all by the end of September and some extra too."

Ben sat down at the table and took a quick look at the neatly annotated numbers. "About time." He looked up at Jane, his lower lip tucked in. "I'm sorry it's taking so long, but I'll stay caught up in the future."

"Don't worry about it, son. You got off to a tough start, and it's not like I ain't got enough to keep a roof over our heads." She raised an eyebrow as a twinkle came into her eye. "Just be thankful I haven't been charging you back for those poor vegetables you been pulling up by mistake. For such a bright young man you sure seem to have an awful problem figuring out the difference between a weed and a turnip."

Ben's cheeks flushed and he mumbled an incoherent apology as he remembered his latest infraction a few days earlier. He had been out in the garden, cursing in frustration as he stared down at the three young carrots in his hand that he had been certain were weeds. He had swung his head up sharply as he heard a silvery laugh from just outside the fence. Rafa was sitting bareback on her pretty young mare watching him; it was so rare to hear the shy young woman laugh out loud that Ben swallowed the curt words he had been about to utter and just shook his head and shrugged. She had dismounted and let him feed the incriminating evidence to Cel, who munched happily, then turned her loose in her corral. Rafa had come back and spent almost an hour taking him down row by row, repeating Jane's patient lessons on which plants were which and which green things should be pulled. She only smiled and murmured that her family used to have a garden when Ben tried to ask where she had learned so much.

"And it's alright to feed the mistakes to Cel if Rafa doesn't mind. I figure Cel makes up for anything she eats with her contributions to the compost heap." Jane was openly smiling now.

Ben just stared for a moment. "Is there anything that goes on around here that you don't know about?" he asked.

"Well, an old woman has to have a few secrets to stay ahead of you young people nowadays," she said with a wave of her hand.

"Yes, ma'am." Ben heaved a sigh and a small laugh. He looked at Jane as his brow furrowed, started to speak, then bit his lip.

"Something you want to ask, just spit it out. You ought to know by now I don't bite," Jane said gently.

"Yes, ma'am." Ben hesitated again, not sure if it was his place to speak, then plunged ahead. "The other day Rafa was helping me in the garden for a while..." He paused and chewed his bottom lip again for a second, then looked away. "Later, I was putting the tools away in the barn and I heard someone crying. I kind of sneaked down to the end of the barn; Rafa was in the stall with Celesta with her arms around Cel's neck." Ben looked back at Jane. "She was the one crying... I didn't know what to do since it looked like she had gone in there to be alone and I didn't want to bother her." He shrugged helplessly. "I just left, but I feel bad for her when I think about it. I may have left home, but at least my family is still alive... she lost everything in that fire."

"Your feelings do you credit, Ben." Jane reached over to hold Ben's hand. "A thing like that takes a while to get over, and sometimes it just hits you hard and you got to let it out. You did the right thing by letting it go." Jane smiled reassuringly. "She likes you fine, but she's still finding her way and isn't ready yet to open up to you. I had a long hug with her that night and let her talk it out. Don't worry, Ben, when she's ready, she'll let you know. Until then, all you can do is try to be a friend and let her take her own speed."

Ben nodded slowly. "Like I'm still finding my way?"

"Something like that, son." Jane stood up, smiled softly and patted Ben's shoulder. "I'll be around for both of you when you got the need."

"Yes, ma'am." Ben looked up, a little lump in his throat, and smiled back.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Eighteen §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A day of light rain was followed by three days of sweltering heat that far exceeded the normal early-August temperatures. The late afternoon sun was still burning down as Ben parked near Finn's truck and pulled his helmet and jacket off. He was sweating and felt light-headed as he dismounted. "I hope it's just this weather and not whatever has been going around." Ben laid his gear onto the seat, then stood for a moment in his t-shirt and jeans. Several days earlier some sort of twenty-four hour bug had started striking at Midway; Ben had worked harder than usual that day because Mattie had gone home after only an hour at work which was spent mostly in the bathroom.

Ben stood up and took a few deep breaths, decided optimistically that it was probably just the heat and headed for the usual rendezvous.

Finn insisted that they each drink a full glass of water before they started and moved their session into the shade, but within ten minutes, Ben was sweating profusely. Fifteen minutes into the session a flush of weakness washed over him and he stopped abruptly.

"Sidai? What's wrong?"

A vicious cramp ripped into Ben's gut and he doubled over, grabbing his stomach. "Damn! I've got to find a bathroom," Ben gasped. He grimaced and tried to move.

"This way!" Finn said as he seized Ben's shoulders and hustled him along into the house, practically carrying him the last several feet, and got him into the small bathroom barely in time.

Ben spent a very uncomfortable few minutes which seemed to take much longer. Just when he thought the spasms in his lower gut were finished, the remnants of his lunch decided to eject themselves.

There was a knock on the door. "Ben? You alright in there?"

"Just a minute," Ben called back. He decided that the worst was over, at least for the moment, although there was definitely a lingering queasiness. He tentatively stood up, flushed the toilet again and washed his hands before opening the door.

"Hey. Thanks." Ben tried to take a step forward, but settled for leaning against the doorframe instead.

"Jaysus, you look bloody awful. You're white as a ghost."

"I feel awful. I think maybe I caught something that's been going around at work."

Finn took Ben's arm, steered him to the living room and sat him down on a long brown cloth sofa. "Stay there. I'll get you something to help your stomach."

"I don't want to put you to any trouble. I'll just go home and lie down." Ben tried to stand up but wobbled on his feet as the room seemed to spin around him.

"You are in no fit shape to be going anywhere, especially on that motorcycle," Finn said firmly. He pushed Ben back down, adding "Stay put."

Ben was too weak to protest further and leaned back, squinting a bit as he looked around. The room was simply furnished; aside from the sofa, there was a small side table with a tall lamp, an outsized wooden rocking chair, several sets of shelves holding books, records, tapes, and CDs, and a display case that Ben didn't have the energy to explore at the moment. In one corner was a desk holding a portable stereo and laptop computer. An open window let a generous amount of sunlight stream in. He closed his eyes and tried to think about anything but his insides.

A weight settled beside him on the sofa and warm steam approached his face. "Here, drink this," Finn urged gently.

"Hmmm?" Ben cracked an eye ajar to see a large mug being held near his mouth.

"Careful, it's still hot. It will help."

Ben obediently let the liquid enter his mouth. It flowed across his tongue and slid down his throat, leaving an odd herbal taste behind. He tried to reach one shaky hand up to take the mug.

"Easy, just let me hold it for you," Finn said as he carefully tipped the mug until Ben had finished the entire contents. "There you go. Better?"

Ben nodded. "A bit." There was a warm tingly feeling in his stomach that seemed to be easing his discomfort. "What was that?"

"A little something my ma taught me," said Finn. "Some herbs, ground-up Tylenol, honey. Usually works, but it may take several doses if you're as sick as you look. Sit there while I wash out the cup. Try to breathe slowly and relax."

Time seemed to float for several minutes as Ben tried to follow Finn's advice. When he became vaguely aware of footsteps, he opened his eyes to see Finn standing in front of him.

"I'm afraid your color isn't much better and you're still sweating." He moved forward and put the back of his hand on Ben's forehead. "Definitely too warm. I'm thinking you'd better lie down for a bit. I'll get you some pillows."

The herbal taste in Ben's mouth gave way to a sour bile that crept up the back of his throat. Suddenly, he opened his eyes wide and cursed as another acute cramp propelled him up and toward the bathroom again. This new bout was even worse as his body seemed intent on turning itself inside out.

An urgent knock was followed by the door slipping open a few inches.

"Awharkkgg." Crouched on the tile floor, Ben tried to empty his stomach again into the toilet. He hung over the porcelain trying to get his breath among the miasma of bodily wastes as the contractions finally subsided.

"Let me help you."

Equal parts of misery and mortification permeated Ben's remaining consciousness as a large hand settled on his shoulder. With one hand, he tried to hitch up his pants which were bunched around his knees and grabbed for the handle of the toilet to flush it with the other.

"Sorry," Ben croaked. "I didn't make it in time."

"Don't be worrying about it. Let's get you cleaned up."

A warm wet cloth moved gently over Ben's face and neck.

"Rinse your mouth out."

A glass was held to Ben's mouth; three times he took a large sip of cool water, rinsed, and spat into the toilet.

"If you can get those clothes off, I'll find you something else to put on. Can you do that by yourself?"

"I think the worst is over for the moment." Ben took a deep breath. "I can manage."

"Alright. Towels are on the rack behind you, soap is in the shower if you want to rinse off. I'll be back shortly."

"Thanks." Ben took a few deep breaths, then carefully pulled off the t-shirt stained with dribbles and splashes of vomit. He held on to the edge of the sink as he stood up, toed off his sneakers and socks, then wrinkled his nose as he gingerly slid out of the soiled jeans and undershorts. He cautiously stepped into the shower stall and slowly cleaned off the residue of the attack.

"How are you doing?" came a muffled voice.

"I'm good." Ben wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door.

"Here. It's the smallest I had about, but it should work. Call out if you need help. Okay?"

"Alright. It'll take me a few minutes to clean up this mess," Ben said as he turned back with a grimace of distaste.

"Just leave it." Finn put a hand up to forestall any further protest. "Leave. It."

Too weak to argue with the formidable force that was Quilan Finn in caregiver mode, Ben nodded meekly. "Yes, sir."

After the door closed, Ben put the towel back. He pulled on the pair of cutoff sweats that might once have been blue, tightening the drawstring as much as much as he could to keep them up, then slipped into the soft green t-shirt that hung off him less than he expected. A faded Forest Service logo adorned the chest of the shirt. He had to pause once, then got his bearings again and ventured back to the living room.

"Ah, there you are." Finn cast a critical eye over his patient. "Come over here and lie down."

Now beyond even a pretense of a protest, Ben gratefully slid between the sheets Finn had put down, settling into a partially reclining position against the pillows at the end of the sofa.

Finn held a cup for Ben, saying, "Drink this. We need to get fluids in you," as Ben obediently drank more of the herbal concoction. "If you get chills, there's a blanket here on the top of the sofa. If you're needing anything call out."

Ben nodded as he sagged down into the pillows with a weary sigh. The budding headache that had been lying in wait blossomed into a sharp cactus that bit hard if he moved his head too fast. Closing his eyes and retreating into slow deep breathing was only minimally successful in relieving his distress. He groaned as another cramp twisted his innards, but this time it passed without necessitating another bathroom run.

Some time later Ben heard a low voice calling him. He grimaced a little as he let light penetrate his eyeballs.

"Sit up a bit." A strong arm lifted Ben almost upright.

"Oh, God," Ben moaned.

"Here, you need to take some of these."

"Don' wanna..."

"Open up," Finn persisted until Ben gave in. As soon as Ben's mouth opened a bit, Finn pushed a capsule in and followed it with water. "Swallow." It took a few tries but Ben finally managed it. Twice more Finn cajoled the young man into ingesting a gel capsule.

"What's 'at stuff?"

"Powdered ginger. It will help the nausea," Finn said as he let Ben back down into the pillows. "Here, hold this."

A sports bottle with a plastic straw was pushed into Ben's hand. He took a small sip. "Hey, not bad," Ben said, then took another sip.

"Slowly, just a little at a time." Finn tucked the sheet in loosely. "There's honey, a little lemon and salt and a few other things in the water. I don't want to try anything too drastic for the runs yet, but we want to keep clear fluids going in."

Ben tried to turn his head but the spines of the cactus jabbed the base of his brain. "Jesus, that hurt."

"Stay still and close your eyes."

A cold pack eased the pain in his head. He tensed a bit as he felt two hands settle near his neck.

"Easy. Breathe slowly."

Strong fingers carefully massaged the base of Ben's skull, luring him into relaxation. For a while he simply drifted, occasionally taking in more of the water, until the next urgent seizure sent him running.

For the next few hours, Ben alternated between lethargic despondency and spikes of wretched torment. On his fourth trip, he found that a small tub of petroleum jelly had been discreetly placed on top of the toilet tank next to an extra roll of toilet paper. By that point, he was willing to take any help he could get and delicately applied a generous dollop to his abused nether region.

As he dismally dragged himself back to the sofa, Finn handed him a fresh bottle with one hand while he held a cell phone to his ear with the other. Ben laid himself down and sucked in a little more of the water mixture as he caught part of the one-sided conversation.

"No, that's alright. I'm thinking it wouldn't be a good idea to move him."

"I'm hoping it's just one of those twenty-four bouts. He mentioned that there was something going around where he works." Finn sat down in the rocking chair.

"Don't worry, 'tis no trouble at all. He might be wanting a change of clothes in the morning, though."

"You're quite welcome. Good night." Finn closed the phone and set it on the side table.

Ben tried to focus; he looked around and realized the sun was setting, leaving a dim orange light filling the room. He gasped when he moved his head too quickly and the headache drove a spike through the left side of his face.

"Stay still," Finn said softly as he laid a hand flat on Ben's chest. "Did it feel better with the ice or the warm cloth?"

"Ice, please." Ben closed his eyes and waited hopefully.

"Here you go." Finn placed an ice pack on Ben's forehead. "Just try to relax. Breathe slowly," he repeated.

"Ahh, feels better," Ben said weakly. "I don't have to center?"

"Perhaps your center isn't such a good place to be thinking about right now," Finn said with a smile. "We'll give you a pass this time."

"Yes, sir." Ben licked his lips. "Who was that?"

"On the phone? I thought it might be a good idea to let your landlady know where you are."

"Oh, yeah." A few more breaths passed as thoughts floated sluggishly in Ben's brain. "Thanks. She tends to worry."

"You're welcome."

Ben dozed again, sliding in and out of foggy misery, more often than not roused by the roiling in his gut. During interludes of wakefulness, Finn kept replenishing his bottle; whatever he was adding in must have helped as the intervals between dashes to the sanctuary of the ivory throne gradually lengthened. When fever became mixed with an occasional chill, Finn spread a blanket over his recumbent form. During one break, when Ben was vaguely aware of soft music playing somewhere, he looked past his feet and saw his ranger sitting in the rocking chair reading, the lamp pulled close and turned low.

Some time in the very early morning Ben awoke again. The window was open and bright moonlight silvered the contents of the room; he pulled the covers a little higher as a breeze teased the air. Ben peeked through heavy, barely open eyelids. Dream or reality... he wasn't certain as he contemplated the vision a few yards away.

Elfin light fell across the man sitting in the large rocking chair, its outline hidden in blackness. Shirtless, his bare arms and hints of the torso hidden under a partially draped blanket reflected moon shards back to the night. The ghostly face was propped at an angle on the loosely clasped hands, elbows rested on knees as the figure sat motionless, leaning forward. A lock of dark hair flopped down near eyes that glinted from shadows under the furrowed brow.

Ben felt transfixed by the relentless gaze and lay motionless, barely breathing. The tableau seemed surreal, a disembodied figment of his fevered brain, but he quickly tired of the effort needed to sustain the apparition and faded once more into oblivion.

"Uuuhhhuuuhhhh." Ben cautiously stretched and let out a muted sigh of relief when his body proved relatively cooperative. He opened one eye, squinting in the sunlight. When nothing untoward happened, he blinked and squinted both eyes.

"Good morning. How are you today?" Finn sat in the open window clad in faded jeans and tan t-shirt, one bare foot dangling.

"Just fucking peachy," Ben complained querulously, "weak as a kitten, my head hurts, my throat is raw, my stomach feels like a garbage pit and my ass feels like I used sandpaper to wipe it with."

"Sounds like you're having a normal recovery," said Finn with a bemused smile.

Ben groaned and lay still.

"The sun is shining," Ben observed, one eye narrowed.

"Indeed. 'Tis a fine day, noticeably cooler than the last few," Finn commented cheerfully.

Ben watched sun motes for a bit as the mush that currently passed for his brain tried to figure out the significance that he was certain was attached to this meteorological phenomenon.

"The sun is shining." Perhaps repetition would help him figure this out.

"Yes, I think we have established with reasonable certainty that it is actually the sun and that it is shining."

"Not funny," Ben said distinctly. He glowered at the grin on Finn's face. Suddenly inspiration struck. "What time is it?

"Going on for half past nine."

"Half past nine," muttered Ben. He turned his head, one eye scrunched as he tried to think. "Shit!" He sat bolt upright. "I'm supposed to be at work." A surge of nausea grabbed him as he tried to claw his way to his feet.

"Lie still." Finn was across the room in an instant, kneeling beside the sofa and pushing Ben back down. "If you get agitated, you'll undo whatever good you've gotten from the rest."

"But I've got to get to work," said Ben weakly.

"No, you don't. I called Midway and talked to a gentleman named Frank Mendoza." Finn stood up. "He said that if you've got what he had last week, he doesn't want you dragging your germs back in there for at least another day or two."

"Oh." Ben finally relaxed. Another thought tweaked his now-throbbing head. "Aren't you supposed to be at work today?"

"There was nothing urgent going on," Finn said with a shrug, "and I've got a ton of leave I need to use. Besides, it's a nice day to be taking off." He smiled. "You just stay there and I'll make us some tea." He turned and headed for the kitchen.

Forearm across closed eyes, Ben melted back into the sofa. As his mind cleared a little, he wondered blearily how he got into these kinds of situations. He certainly had never thought that his first invitation inside Finn's house would be because he needed to puke his guts out in the man's bathroom. He groaned in self-pity. It was so fucking unfair; Finn had held him and taken care of him, and he had been in no position whatsoever to enjoy a bit of it. And the balance of debt was certainly getting very lopsided; he strongly suspected that Jane had offered to come and pick him up the previous evening but Finn had insisted on keeping him here.

"Damn," he moaned.

"It will go away eventually," came Finn's cheery voice as he returned with a large steaming mug in each hand.

"I hate being sick," Ben whined, keeping his other frustration to himself. He put his arm down and looked up.

"Don't we all?" Finn set the mugs down on the side table. "Can you sit? Slowly, now, you don't want to be setting your headache off again."

Under Finn's watchful eye, Ben cautiously levered himself into an upright position, then settled back.

"Here you are. I kept yours fairly weak, with plenty of honey." Finn handed Ben one of the mugs. He brought a small plastic bottle back over, opened it and shook out two pills. "You should take a couple of these while you're at it." He dropped the tablets into Ben's hand, then retrieved his mug and sat down in the rocking chair.

"Thanks." Ben put the pills in his mouth and took some tea to wash them down.

There was silence for a few minutes as the two men sipped their tea, each lost in their own thoughts. Ben finished his and set the mug on the sofa next to his thigh. He cleared his throat.

"I, umm... want to thank you for taking care of me," Ben muttered, embarrassed, looking down as he cocked one shoulder. "Sorry I'm being such a nuisance."

"I have often been accused of having a soft heart for pathetic strays," said Finn with a lopsided smile. "In any event you're not a nuisance, you're sick, which is a different thing altogether and certainly not your fault."

"Yes, sir," mumbled Ben. He wondered if that was how Finn really thought of him, but was afraid to ask if he was just another in a stream of 'pathetic strays'.

"Well, thanks anyway." Ben toyed with the mug, running a finger around the rim.

"I know that look, Mr. Kennan. Are we back to having issues about letting people help you?"

Ben didn't answer for a long moment. He ran a hand through his sweat-matted hair and sighed. "I seem to be on the short end of the stick an awful lot of the time."

"Look at me." Finn walked over and stood directly in front of Ben, then waited until the young man complied. "You need to get over this idea that people helping each other is about keeping accounts on how much you did for a specific person or how much they did for you. This time I was able to do something for you, the other day we both did something to help build that corral, and I'm probably going to need your help again with my truck one of these days. Just think of it as being a good citizen in the human race; it's what people do for each other."

"Yes, sir. I'll keep working on that." A pronounced lurching in his stomach reminded him he still had other things to work on. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Ben took the hand that Finn extended and carefully stood up. There was little nausea if he moved slowly, so he took his time. He spent several minutes taking care of his bodily needs and washing up, then went back down the short hall to the living room.

Finn was at the desk, glasses on and laptop computer open. Ben felt well enough to stay upright for a few more minutes. He shuffled across the floor to take a look at the tall narrow open display case that he had ignored the night before.

There were two shelves at the very bottom that held various small boxes, but the centerpiece in the case was clearly the steel sword hanging point down, the handle at eye level. The subtly tapered narrow steel blade was about three feet long, the burnished metal guard carried the circular yin/yang symbol and the handle was a deep dark wood. Bright red tassels were attached to the end of the handle just under the pommel. To each side of the steel sword was a smoothly polished wooden sword with a similar size blade, small curved guards and slightly patterned handle. Along each side of the case stood a long staff of brown wood.

"May I?" Ben asked as he held a hand near one of the wooden swords.

Finn looked up from the computer briefly. "Help yourself," he said and went back to work.

Using two hands, Ben carefully lifted the object from its hooks. He stepped back toward the center of the room and shifted the sword to his right hand. He lifted it up, slowly swung it around a few times, judging its balance and weight. Ben moved into a long-unused fencing stance and smiled as he simulated a thrust and parry in slow motion, then returned to a stand, shifting his hold to bring the sword back in close. One brow lifted as he caressed the satin surface with his other hand.

"That is a Tai Chi practice sword." Finn had closed the laptop, laid his glasses on the case and turned in his chair to watch.

"It's a little heavier than I would have thought and the handle is longer than I was used to with a fencing foil," said Ben thoughtfully. "The wood is incredibly smooth, too."

"It's very dense wood. I wanted something close to the weight of the metal sword, which is actually relatively light and quite flexible," Finn said as he nodded his head toward the display case. "I put extra time into the sanding and finishing."

"You made these?"

"Aye, I do a little woodworking as a hobby."

Ben remembered the tools that Finn had brought to the corral building session, then looked around the room at the rocking chair, shelving and table. "Did you make all this?"

"Over the years, yes." Finn shrugged. "The evenings get very long in the winter. I converted the spare bedroom into a sort of workshop and odds and ends room."

"This is very good." Ben swung the sword slowly around and over his head. "Lovely balance." He looked eagerly at Finn. "Do you suppose...?"

"No," said Finn firmly. "Until you are proficient in the basic short and long forms, there will be no weapons training. Depending on how fast you progress, that could take anywhere from two to ten years."

"Yes, sir." Ben's face fell and he regretfully returned the wooden sword to its place.

"Think of it as a goal to work toward," said Finn softly, trying to remove a bit of the sting of the denial. "You'll appreciate it that much more when you're truly ready to move to that stage."

"Hmmph," Ben grunted. He moved back to the sofa and sat down heavily.

"Now, now, you must remember that patience -"

"Is a virtue. Yeah, yeah," said Ben somewhat sourly. He lay down with a small groan and pulled the sheet over his head.

Ben drifted off, so he was not sure how much later it was when a long knock on the front door got enough of Ben's attention for one eye to peek out.

"You can stay there and I'll get that," said Finn.

"Like I'm going anywhere," Ben muttered to himself as his stomach wobbled. He burrowed back under the covers.

The vague voices and clatterings from the kitchen were not enough to rouse Ben's interest as he huddled in his private wallow of gloom. He resolutely ignored the footsteps that he heard entering the room.

"He's in here, more or less still alive, though I suspect he's wishing he wasn't at the moment."

A hand tugged at the sheet that Ben grimly clutched until it was pulled away from his weakened grasp. Ben growled at Finn's grinning face that loomed over him and grabbed futilely at the covering.

"He does look right pitiful, and from what you said it sounds like he's reached the grouchy stage," came a familiar voice.

"Mrs. Brandon? What are you doing here?" Ben asked, rolling onto his side with a small grimace.

"And good morning to you, too, young man." Jane stood with hands on hips, one eyebrow raised.

"Sorry," Ben muttered, trying to recover some semblance of manners. "Good morning. It's nice to see you." He managed to get up onto one elbow.

"That's better. How are you feeling?"

"I think the worst is over, but I still feel pretty achy and get nauseous if I try to move too fast."

"That's not so bad, then. Definitely sounds like one of those 24 hour bugs. I brought you some chicken soup and a change of clothes. And since I figured that our Mr. Finn has been too busy taking care of you to do much for himself, I brought him some of my breakfast casserole, stew and fresh bread."

"It smells wonderful, too, but there's far more food there than I could possibly eat. After we feed Ben, could I persuade you to share some brunch with me?"

"I reckon I could do with a bite. It's such a beautiful day, maybe after we get some soup in him we could get Ben out for some fresh air while we eat outside."

"Sounds like a plan."

Ben tried to sit up, but his stomach roiled with a wave of nausea and he slipped down onto his back again. "Wait a minute, what if I don't feel like doing any of that stuff?" Ben asked, hearing the petulance coloring his words. He wanted to pout, but caught himself in time.

Finn turned to look at Ben. "You are sick, and if the lady says you need to eat the soup to get better, you will eat the soup, boy, and you will do it without any backtalk to her," he said. "The fresh air will be good for you, too, and if necessary I will carry you outside myself. Do you have any questions, Mr. Kennan?"

Ben stuck his jaw out and dared a mock glare, having regained enough sense to realize that he was outnumbered and outmatched. He drew the sheet around him with a surly, "No, sir."

Jane sat down on the edge of the cushion beside Ben and patted his arm. "Ben, if you're really not up to eating that's alright, but I do think it would you help you get your strength back faster, so you would you at least try a little, please?"

"Yes, ma'am." Ben dropped his head; he wasn't happy about Finn's barking, but he did feel bad about being such a pain in the ass when they were trying to help him. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it, son, people usually aren't themselves when they're sick." Jane patted his arm again and smiled before standing up. "It really is a beautiful day outside, too, but if you want to stay in here, you just tell me."

"You're probably right," Ben said. He tried to smile a little as he looked up. "I guess it would be kind of nice to get out a bit."

"That's the way." Jane switched into her organizing mode as she said briskly, "Mr. Finn, if you could set things up outside, I'll get some soup for Ben."

"Yes, ma'am." Finn nodded and went to work.

An hour later Ben was feeling almost pleasant, or at least numb, as he drowsed in the sun listening to Jane and Finn chat over the remnants of their meal at the picnic table. Finn had set up fresh sheets over a ground pad and sleeping bag, then brought out the pillows as Ben had slowly walked outside after yet another a trip to the bathroom. He dropped off to sleep after Jane coaxed him into having a little more of the chicken broth.

The sun was still bright when Ben awoke and languorously stretched. He looked around, disoriented for a moment at the unexpected setting, until he realized that he was back on the sofa and the sunlight was coming in through the window. He wondered where everyone was, but didn't have the energy to go searching. His thoughts meandered about, but eventually settled on the disconnect between where he went to sleep and this place where he woke up; he got a warm feeling inside as he realized that Finn must have carried him. It was a decidedly mixed warmth; embarrassment at being carried like a child, a tingle from the imagining of Finn's strong arms holding him, and chagrin that he had missed yet another close moment with his ranger.

"Looks like our boy is finally awake." Jane smiled cheerfully as she came in the room, closely followed by Finn. She came over to stand in front of the sofa. "How are you feeling?"

"Pretty weak and still all-over achy, but my stomach is a lot better." Ben sat up. "Most of that pesky headache seems to be gone, although I can feel it lurking."

"You look better, too. Do you feel up to going home?"

"I suppose if I went very slow," Ben said doubtfully. He wasn't all that keen on leaving now that he was finally getting well enough to start appreciating Finn's presence, but had to admit to himself that it wasn't fair to expect Finn to continue caring for him. "Myrna can be a handful sometimes."

"Not a problem," said Finn. "We put some planks down and the motorcycle rolled up into the back of Jane's truck as nice as you please. I've got everything tied down very securely, so you can ride up front."

"In that case... sure, I can handle that."

"I took the liberty of raiding your room to bring you some fresh clothes." Jane put a small pile on the sofa next to Ben. "Your sneakers are here, and I've already got your old clothes out in the truck." She patted Ben's arm. "You just take your time. We'll be out on the porch when you're ready."

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks."

Ben waited until the other two were gone before standing up. He made a very slow trip around the room, trying to memorize the contents, touching the swords, sitting in the rocking chair for a few moments. Given Finn's seeming predilection for living outside, he didn't know if or when he might be invited back in and he wanted to savor this last moment. Finally he sighed, faced up to reality and took himself off to the bathroom to change into clean underwear, t-shirt, socks and sweatpants.

After he tied his shoelaces, Ben stood for a long moment with Finn's t-shirt in his hand, rubbing the faded logo. He licked his lips and stared at it.

"It did seem awfully small to fit him," Ben muttered to himself. "Maybe he won't miss it."

Acting swiftly before he could change his mind, Ben folded the t-shirt lengthwise and wrapped it around his lower belly. He pulled his boxer-briefs and sweatpants up over it to hide the fabric, then took Finn's cutoff sweats and two used towels, crumpled them together and left the pile on top of the toilet tank. He took a deep breath and went outside.

"She looks fine." Ben's first stop was to ensure that Myrna was well-secured, but Finn had done an excellent job. He went around the truck and stood by the passenger door as Jane got behind the wheel.

"Thanks for taking care of me. I was really a lot sicker than I thought at first."

"You're welcome, and don't be worrying about it." Finn shook the hand that Ben proffered, adding a squeeze to his shoulder. "You take care of yourself and finish getting better before you start working out again."

"Yes, sir. I will." Ben climbed into the truck and fastened his seat belt. "Thanks again," he called as Jane started to turn around. He waved as they departed, keeping the sight of Finn in the side mirror as long as he could, then settled in his seat for the short trip home.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Nineteen §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The next few weeks were a busy blur as the weather cycled between hot and hotter. Ben had recovered quickly from his illness and plunged back into his myriad activities. The dirt bike sales at Midway had been picking up ever since a big joint advertising push with Ruger after the 4th of July festivities; combined with the usual summer rush there was plenty of work for all of the staff, permanent or temporary. Ben appreciated the money for the overtime, but on top of his work in the garden and UPA and his exercises, it seriously cut into his time for listening to his stash of recordings before falling into bed already half-asleep. His dreams seemed much more pleasant, though, as he clutched a certain t-shirt while he drifted off. Jane had put together a lovely farewell dinner for Tammy, and they had waved good-bye as she drove off to her new life, leaving only the threesome of Jane, Rafa and Ben in the big old house. They even had a small ceremony for Tiger the cat when his previous owner, a widow with four daughters, returned from a job in Europe and requested him back, much to the delight of both Tiger and the girls.

Ben had gotten his first call for the Emergency Volunteers, and Frank had released him from work to go out with the search teams that had been assembled to look for a lost camper. It proved to be a tedious six-hour hike through the woods in a long line of searchers, a hot, dirty walk with a hefty number of insects that evidently found Ben to be a tasty morsel. It was worth it, however, both for the satisfaction when one of the teams found the hiker and for the smile he got from Finn when he related his story.

There were three Tai Chi sessions and Ben felt he was making some good progress. There had been one incident, however, that he still found puzzling. About a week after he had gotten sick, Finn was sitting atop the table watching as Ben worked through part of the Square Form. When Ben realized he had not heard any comments or critiques for several minutes, he looked over and caught Finn staring at him, or he might have been staring past him into the trees, he wasn't sure which. Ben stopped uncertainly and asked if he was doing something wrong. He was flabbergasted when Finn came over to him and apologized for breaking one of his own rules in not properly concentrating during the session, dropped and did fifty quick pushups, bowed to him and then continued the session as if nothing had happened. Ben still shook his head whenever he thought about that.

One morning near the end of the third week of August Ben was in a particularly fine mood as he headed for another session with Finn. The day before had been wonderful: the latest check had put his bank account into the healthiest balance he had seen since he left home; he had managed to divest the garden of its latest crop of weeds without a single mistake; and there had been a lively session at UPA in the evening where Armand had praised his handling of the board. Myrna was in exceptional voice after a recent service Ben had managed to squeeze in and her full-throated rumble sang in his ears as he soared along the road.

After parking beside the old truck, Ben pulled off his riding gear, then decided it was hot enough to warrant taking off his sweat pants. In a light-weight sleeveless t-shirt and soft jersey shorts, Ben whistled as he went around the house. He grinned at the sight of Finn stretched out on the table soaking up some sun.

"You seem to be in remarkably good spirits this morning, Mr. Kennan," said Finn as he got up to walk toward their workout spot in the shade along the edge of the clearing.

"It is a magnificent morning, Mr. Finn." Ben did a little dance step of exuberance. "There's money in the bank, I'm getting the hang of this gardening thing, and we were rocking last night at UPA."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"And do you want to know what the best thing of all was yesterday?" Ben waggled his eyebrows and his grin got even wider.

"I don't think I could stop you from telling me," said Finn with an answering grin.

"Yesterday, this guy brought his Harley in." Ben sidled up next to Finn. "Same guy who came in back in April and was all pissy because the boss let 'some damned city kid' work on his precious bike. So yesterday he came in, and I saw him at the service desk when I went in to get some parts for the job I was working on, but he's been a regular for several years so I didn't think anything about it." Ben leaned in a little closer. "Anyway, the girl at the desk came back into the shop and called me over, said there's a customer out front asked for me by name. And when she told him I was already on a job, he said he would wait. It was kind of a tricky job and took me another thirty minutes, but when I finished the ticket, the girl asked me to come up front, and damned but if that guy wasn't still there and was the one who asked for me by name!" Ben pumped his arms. "Can you beat that! Said his bike has never run sweeter and he wanted only me to work on it!"

"That's great!" Finn added with a sly smile, "You're going to remind the boss about this next time you're up for a raise, right?"

Ben laughed, then gave a mock pout. "You don't ever let up, do you?"

"That's part of my job, boyo." Finn slapped him on the shoulder. "Seriously, though, you know you're doing good work when you've got your own regular customer. That's the kind of thing they tell other people about, and it gets around."

"I hope so. It's good for Midway, too, when we've got happy customers."

"That's a good attitude. Maybe we're going to mold you into a decent human being yet. Right now, though, we've got work that needs doing." Finn turned away to move to a shadier spot.

Ben stuck his tongue out at Finn's back as he followed him.

"Just for that, boy, you can do twenty pushups to get you warmed up." Finn kept looking straight ahead.

"Yes, sir, Mister No-Sense-of-Humor-Slave-Driver, sir."

"Fifty," said Finn without missing a beat.

Ben was in such a good mood that he pumped out the pushups and jumped up with a cheeky grin. "So when do we actually start working, sir?"

Finn just shook his head. "Get your arse in position and let's go," he growled, straightening his shoulders as his face changed to instructor mode. "I want to work on details of your moves today, Sidai."

"Yes, Sifu." Ben settled down, bowed, took a deep breath, and they moved together in their warm-up stretches.

After stretching, they reviewed the basic stances and the first several moves in the Square Form. Finn was quite serious when he said details, even down to moving Ben's fingers into the correct positions. Ben was still in an exquisite mood and started to allow himself to enjoy the feel of those large hands touching him, moving his legs, his arms, tilting his hips to just the proper angle. He was relaxing more than he realized, however, and his normal caution and focus began slipping away.

"Through here," Finn said, standing right behind Ben, a hand on each shoulder, "you're still lifting your shoulders too much." Finn exerted a gentle warm pressure. "Let them drop, let everything center."

"In this section, you should be able to feel it through your backbone." Finn's voice was in Ben's left ear, his body scant inches behind Ben's. One hand was on Ben's left shoulder.

Ben closed his eyes and reveled in the heat.

"Focus on this as I move my hand." Finn's right hand started just below Ben's neck, and slowly, so very slowly, pressed down, one vertebra at a time. "Let the energy flow down toward your center."

"Oh yes, I feel it." Ben felt himself floating, energy following the glide of that wonderful pressure. He pushed backward into it a little.

"Right here, where your spine curves, channel that energy."

The magic voice in Ben's ear was channeling energy, alright. "Mmmm, yes, it's flowing."

Just at the top of Ben's shorts the hand stopped and rested, pressing firmly. "Pull the energy here into your center, make it a part of you."

"Mmmhhmm," breathed Ben. He let his head fall back as he melted into a pool of warm happy slush. "Ohhh, yeah. Definitely feeling that."

"What?" Finn moved away, stepping around to face Ben.

"Huh?" Ben blinked, confused by the loss of that wonderful heat and the sharpness of Finn's tone.

"That's not exactly the center you're supposed to be working on, Sidai."

"What?" Ben said in turn. He looked down at where Finn was staring, and was horrified to realize that the loose shorts clearly revealed a very definite erection.

"I... uh..." Ben gasped for breath and words.

"Is that for my benefit, Mr. Kennan?" Finn was standing his ground, but there was clearly tension in his stance. "Are you one of those arse bandits?"

"A, a... what?" Ben managed to stammer out. Ice was shooting down his back and he tried to swallow. The traitorous erection was rapidly wilting.

"A homosexual, Mr. Kennan. Are you gay?" Finn's tone was flat and gray.

Ben felt like a rabbit caught in a gun sight. He couldn't read Finn's expression and stood helplessly shaking his head, his mouth open. Finn started to take a step backward, and Ben's terror at the prospect of being summarily dismissed loosened his tongue.

"Please, yes, it's true - but I never wanted to lie to you. It's just that I like you so much, and... and..."

Ben held out his hands, pleading. He could feel his legs shaking.

"For God's sake, please don't send me away... I swear I won't ever make a pass at you... please... just let me stay... I won't ever say anything... I'll do anything you want... please!"

"You're babbling, boy. Shut up and stop acting the bloody fool."

His entire body was trembling now and Ben was sucking desperately for breath. He was frozen in place as Finn warily moved closer and he could only whimper another broken "Please..."

Time slowed to a crawl as Ben watched Finn's left hand float through the air, not quite suspended, but moving in an infinitesimal forward motion. Every individual beat of his heart resounded with a heavy thud. A single breath traveled down his throat molecule by molecule. His mouth was dry, his tongue impossibly thick. Another beat, another thud.

Electric sparks raced through Ben's body as Finn's hand touched his cheek and began sliding toward the back of his head, brushing past his ear on the way. Ben's eyes were locked on deep blue eyes that pulled him in as they grew larger... larger... larger. The thudding of his heart picked up speed.

Time stopped altogether in an explosion of lightning as warm lips touched his. There was no other sound, no other light, only the feel of those wonderful lips and the heady musk of Quilan Finn in his nostrils. As the kiss went on, Ben felt his legs going and reached his left hand to Finn's shoulder to hold himself up. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

A blast of anguished loss shocked Ben's system as Finn stepped back. His heartbeat shot into overtime.

The two men stood staring at each other, eyes wide and mouths open as their chests heaved trying to take in oxygen. The heavy silence was broken only by the frantic wheezing.

"What..." Ben swallowed hard. "What just happened?"

"I'm not sure." Finn shook himself, his eyes still wide and nostrils flaring. "I think... I need to sit down."

Finn wandered aimlessly toward the shelter of the woods until he found a friendly tree to lean on. He turned and slid down against the trunk until he hit the ground. He leaned his head back, closed his eyes, let his body sag, and began taking slow, deep breaths.

Ben stood uncertainly, his mind whirling. He still couldn't believe what had just taken place; it simply wasn't possible. He took several deep breaths of his own before he felt like could move again. He licked his lips, then walked tentatively to within a few feet of where the ranger was sitting.

"Quilan?"

Quilan Finn opened his eyes, looked up at Ben, sighed.

"Please... what's going on?" Ben swallowed again, tried to keep his hands still. "I don't understand." He shook his head. "I was absolutely certain that you were straight... but you just..."

There was silence again for a long moment until Finn finally spoke.




Picture by Sue_Chose_This. Used by permission.




"I have always thought I was straight, too." A fleeting smile. "I tell you, though, Mr. Ben Kennan, there was something about you from the moment I first met you that night at UPA." He raised an eyebrow, angled his head. "I did not understand it then and I'm still not certain I understand it now." A rueful smile. "You, Mr. Kennan, have been the source of a lot of lost sleep and of more questions that I have had to ask myself than anything else that has happened to me since I left Ireland many years ago."

Finn stood up, squared his jaw, and stepped close to Ben. "I like you, Ben. I like you a lot. But just what is it you feel for me?"

Ben answered instantly, the words flowing from him without conscious thought or intent. "I love you." Ben stared steadily, his breathing shallow and face pale.

"You..." Finn stood speechless as he tried to digest the announcement. He blinked a few times, let out a whoosh of air. "I certainly wasn't expecting that."

Silence lingered again.

"So where do we go from here?" Ben asked softly, his lips pulled tight in an anxious line.

"I want to keep seeing you, and I want to see where this... relationship takes us." Finn smiled, a steady, confident smile. "There is something special going on here, even with all the differences between us. And I think it is worth pursuing this."

"You don't know how incredibly wonderful that sounds," Ben said as joy replaced his uncertainty. "This is a dream come true, all my best fantasies rolled into one." He laughed aloud, transported to a wondrous euphoria.

"Let's not go too fast," Finn cautioned. "I've still got a lot to learn about this business of being with a man." He shook his head. "I know I still like women, though. So what does make me?"

"It makes you a human being... a person who has a big enough heart to see new possibilities."

"I like that." Finn nodded thoughtfully. "I can work with that."

Ben dropped to one knee, struck by a sudden inspiration. He looked up. "Quilan Finn, will you do me the honor of allowing me to court you?" His eyes were shining, a hopeful smile quivering.

For the second time in as many minutes, Finn was struck speechless. He reached down with one hand and drew Ben to his feet, then pulled him into a hug.

"Yes," he whispered.

**************** ***************

By mutual consent, the session had been forgotten and the two men had settled in the familiar confines of the picnic table to sip water and thrash out this new twist in their friendship.

"We need to discuss some practicalities," said Finn. He was leaning forward, elbows on the table, hands clasped.

"That sounds like a good idea." Ben took a long drink of water, then set the bottle aside.

"May I safely assume that you want to continue your Tai Chi lessons?"

"Absolutely. When I first met you, I would have been willing to do anything to see more of you, and I wanted desperately to get you to be my friend." Ben paused for a moment, cleared his throat. "When you kicked me into working on figuring out what I was going to do with my life, and then agreed to teach me Tai Chi... that was real, and I am immensely grateful for the help you have been giving me."

"I think that was part of what fascinated me about you. Not very many people would have been willing to swallow the kind of pride you have and ask for help to try to make something better of themselves."

"It's not been easy," Ben said as he ducked his head with a small grimace. He looked up again as he continued, "I admired you, and I wanted to be more like you."

Finn smiled and gave a little snort.

"What?" Ben raised an eyebrow.

"In some ways, this seems such a bizarre conversation to be having. That was quite the romantic gesture you made, asking to court me, but I have no idea what you actually mean to do."

"I have to admit that was an impulse," Ben confessed. "But I am willing to do whatever you need or want."

"The main thing I need is time... my heart seems to think it knows what it's wanting, but I need time to sort things out in my incredibly confused head."

"I've waited this long, thinking it was a hopeless cause." Ben smiled gently. "I can wait however long it takes now that I know there is hope. I'll try not to push too fast. Anytime you need me to back off, just say the word."

"Fair enough. In this situation, you will have to be the teacher and I the student."

"Well, they say that learning is a lifelong endeavor," said Ben with a wry smile.

"I would say that 'they' are very wise." Finn hesitated a moment, his gaze flicking down to the table and back up. "May I ask you a personal question?"

"Of course."

"Have you always been gay?"

"Pretty much. I've always liked girls well enough as friends, but when I was growing up I began to realize that I was sexually attracted to boys. It was another reason I turned away from the church." Ben shrugged. "It was not a very welcoming place if you were different, at least not where I grew up."

"I know what you mean. I remember the sermons from my early days."

"Ummm...." Ben laid a hand flat on the table and rubbed it in little circles as he stared down. Familiar heat pinked his neck and cheeks as he worked up the nerve to speak. "I don't want you to have any false expectations, so I have to tell you... it's not like I've had huge amounts of experience... aside from some experimenting in boarding school with a few of the other boys, I've only had two relatively serious boyfriends." He looked up and added, "I just thought you should know."

"I thank you for that information. That's not an easy topic to discuss." Finn smiled. "As I said earlier, I like women, they seem to like me and I've definitely had my share of female friends. But your two boyfriends are two more than I ever even thought about having."

"It's hard not to notice how much women like you." A tinge of bitterness colored Ben's voice.

"Does that still bother you?"

"It bothered me tremendously when I first met you; it was a big part of what made me act so stupidly about Rebecca Barklay. Jealousy is definitely something I'm going to have to keep working on." Ben toyed with the water bottle, took a sip. He cleared his throat and smiled shyly. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly."

"May I call you Qui?"

"When we are in session, it is still Sifu and Sidai, other than that you can call me anything you like. I should warn you my tolerance for high saccharine levels is not all that great, though, so you might want to avoid things like 'pooky snookums' and baby talk." He reached across the table to put his hand on top of Ben's.

Ben grinned. "I've kind of gotten in the habit of using 'sir', but it's nice to know I don't have to." Ben turned his hand up to gently hold the paw that was Quilan Finn's appendage. His smile flitted away as another question occurred to him. "You know, this is a tremendously personal kind of situation. Is this something you'd be talking to other people about?" he asked quietly.

"I don't think I've had the chance to think things through that far. You believe that's a big problem?"

Ben's jaw tightened, as did his grip on Qui's hand. "I know it's certainly a potential problem." He looked straight into Qui's eyes. "You remember the vandalism at the UPA office?"

Qui nodded.

"That's just one example of the kind of prejudice and hatred you can run into and that I have seen for myself in a lot of places. It's one reason I was so upset at the time; I had hoped this place was going to be different and I wouldn't have to deal with that sort of nastiness." Ben squeezed Qui's hand again as he sighed pensively. "Much as I might desire things to be otherwise, until you are absolutely certain you want to be my lover, I have to tell you it's not a good idea to mention it to other people. Observing it second-hand just isn't the same thing as having the venom directed at you personally."

"I see. I take it you are not 'out of the closet', as they say?"

"There are only a few people who know. My sister does." Ben chewed a bit at the corner of his lower lip, then a tiny smile curled his lips. "And now does Jane as well. She figured it out, plus the fact that I love you, on her own. Around here the only others are two of Jane's friends who are lesbian lovers; she introduced me to them after she got me to admit it to her. They're nice people. But to answer your question, no, I'm not publicly out."

"Your landlady seems to be a very formidable woman."

"She is. I'd hate to ever get on her bad side."

Finn smiled a moment at that, but the light in his eyes was dark. "I appreciate your honesty and your concerns. I too have seen bigotry and prejudice first-hand. My mother was American, but she married an Irishman and I grew up Catholic from the age of two in Northern Ireland. I know all too well what it's like when people label each other and then can't see past those labels."

"I'm sorry. That must have been rough."

"Agh, 'tis all in the past. I have to agree with you, though, it's better to keep this between the three of us for a while."

"Three of us?"

"You don't seriously think you'll be able to keep something like this a secret from the omniscient Jane Brandon, do you?"

Ben laughed, his heart lighter and more carefree than it had been for many a month.

**************** ***************

Qui and Ben had not been able to talk for much longer as Qui regretfully announced that he had promised Joan Spangler he would come out to the Wildlife Conservation Center to help with some new arrivals. He had walked Ben around to his motorcycle, then had hesitantly asked if he could try another kiss.

There was an almost comical teenage awkwardness as they both tried to lead at the same time, arms and noses bumping. Qui laughed, put one hand firmly around Ben's head and growled playfully, "Stand still, dammit." Ben put his arms around Qui's waist and pulled him closer as their lips touched chastely. They held the kiss for a long moment until Qui leaned back, his breathing fast and hard.

"That was nice, even if I do feel like a silly young lad on his first date."

"It is a first time for you, my studly one." Ben batted his eyelashes coyly to help break the tension.

"Jaysus, I can tell I'm going to need plenty of help from the saints to deal with you." Qui shook his head, then grinned mischievously. "At least I won't have to worry about whether I can still manage to take a bra off with one hand."

Ben almost choked on his laugh and the implied promise in those words. He leaned against the solid warmth of Qui's chest, allowing himself the luxury of absorbing the vibrations of their shared laughter. He felt he could have stayed in that shelter forever, but far too quickly for his liking, Qui gently released him with a murmured reminder of other obligations.

"I'll see you in a few days, I guess." Ben sat on Myrna, hoping that Qui might ask him back sooner.

"I'm booked up pretty solidly until then, aye." Qui put a hand on Ben's shoulder. "However things develop between us, we both still have lives to lead and commitments to fulfill. Balance in life is one of the things we both need to remember, no matter how exciting it might be to explore this new part of our lives." One corner of his mouth twitched. "Besides, I need some time to talk with Manus and start getting my head wrapped around this new notion."

"Yes, sir. I understand. Patience and perseverance in all things." Ben smiled wryly as he repeated Qui's mantra.

"That's my boyo." Qui slapped Ben's shoulder. "Be off with you now."

Ben was still tingling inside when he reached home. He felt he would burst if he could not share the news with someone, and was disappointed when he saw that Rafa's car was there. He put Myrna away, taking a moment to pat her affectionately and assure her that he still cared for her very much, then waltzed into the kitchen.

"Hey, I'm home." Ben looked around, but Jane was the only person in the kitchen, mixing a batter. "Is Rafa around? I saw her car out front."

"She took Cel out for some exercise," Jane replied absently as she measured out ingredients and added them to the bowl. "Said she'd be back in a couple of hours. Should I let her know you were looking for her?"

"No, ma'am, that's fine. It was you I wanted to talk to, actually." Ben tried and utterly failed to look casual.

"Let me put this into pans, and -" Jane turned her head, then turned all the way around. "Why, Ben Kennan, what's gotten into you? You're practically dancing out of your shoes, and if you grin any wider you're going to break your face in two."

"I'm in love, and life is wonderful." Ben couldn't resist any longer, and swept Jane around the kitchen in a bear hug.

"Lordy, boy, do put me down," Jane laughed. "I'm too old for such silliness. Now what's all this about?"

"Quilan Finn! He's straight, but he's not really, or at least he's willing to not be, and he likes me, and he wants to be better friends, and -

"Shush!" Jane put a hand over Ben's mouth as she shook her head, but her smile was almost as broad as his. "Calm down, and tell me what's going on?"

Ben took a deep breath before speaking. "Quilan Finn kissed me today."

"No! You don't say!"

"Yes, ma'am. He kissed me. Twice! He wants me to come back and see him some more, and not just for Tai Chi."

"Why, Ben, that is marvelous!" Jane wrapped Ben in a hug of her own.

"It's fantastic," Ben burbled. "So totally unexpected, and the feeling was just absolutely incredible."

"You must tell me everything. Sit down a moment, let me get those cakes in the oven, and we can talk."

For the next hour Jane fed him fresh cookies and milk while Ben's excitement filled the air. Occasionally, Ben would have to get up and walk about, so great was his enthusiasm. He did skip over a few of the more embarrassing details of his lapse during the Tai Chi session, although from the heat in his face and Jane's carefully moderated expression he knew she had an excellent idea of what had really happened. She was genuinely happy for him, and encouraged him to talk himself out until he had calmed down enough to sit and chat relatively quietly.

"That's about all, I guess. I know we need to take our time and not push things. It's a huge change for him to deal with, but he wants to go ahead." Ben shook his head. "I'm still having trouble believing this isn't a dream."

"He's quite a man, and I hope it works out for both of you."

"I don't even have words any more to describe how extraordinary he is, and what this means to me." Ben drained the last of the milk in his glass and set it down. "Of course, he's the practical one, as always, and reminded me we still need to deal with the other aspects of our lives."

"He's got a good point," Jane agreed. "Have to pay the bills and take care of your obligations to other folks."

"I understand, and I will." Ben reached across the table to hold Jane's hand. "And I won't forget how good you've been to me, either. You can count on that."

"Well, you've been a big help to me and I appreciate having you around. And if things don't always run smooth, I'll be here."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You need to call your sister and tell her, too. If you like, after supper you can take the phone from the living room down to your bedroom and plug it in there so you can have a little privacy."

"Thanks, that's very nice of you."

"Speaking of supper, I need to get cracking on that. Do you think you could manage to get some fresh lettuce and such for a salad out of the garden by yourself?"

"I'll certainly give it my best shot." Ben grinned and headed outdoors.

Later that evening, Ben took advantage of the phone offer and called Maureen from his room, still too excited to settle for a simple email announcement. After an anxious moment when there was no answer, he left a message and paced for several minutes, occasionally stopping to hug himself. When Maureen called back and Ben broke the news, there was a shout of happiness that could have been heard across three states without the phone, and they spent an hour joyfully sharing the exhilaration.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The next session at Finn's house a few days later was in the morning and started out very much as usual. The ranger was all business when it came to the Tai Chi workout and would not allow any distractions. After the final bow, however, there was a long awkward silence as they looked at each other, not quite sure what to do.

"No second thoughts, I hope?" asked Ben cautiously, mindful of his promise not to push.

"No, no second thoughts." Qui gave a self-deprecating laugh. "I know how I would be proceeding if you were a woman, but I'm feeling rather insecure about my instincts when it comes to you."

"Ah, I could see where that might be a problem." Ben rolled his lower lip between his teeth for a moment. "Men tend to be simpler than women from everything I've heard and seen." He grinned, an impudent cheeky offering, trying to keep things light and hoping it wouldn't be taken the wrong way. "I wouldn't mind at all if you just wanted to go straight to bed."

"Definitely too fast," Qui said firmly. "I like foreplay, lots of it, and learning about a person, and how to be close to someone, before we talk about any of those other gymnastics."

"Sorry, just trying to be helpful." Ben put on an innocently puzzled expression. "What's foreplay?"

"Jaysus." Qui rolled his eyes and sighed gustily. "This is going to take a lot longer than I thought."

"I actually did have a valid idea in there somewhere." Ben shrugged. "Young guys especially are damned horny, and a lot of times it really was pretty much along the lines of 'Hi, how ya doing? Doing fine. You wanna? Yeah, let's do it.' You know, short and to the point."

"I'll keep that sage advice in mind," said Qui dryly, "and see if we can't get you to develop a slightly longer attention span."

"Hey, foreplay sounds good," Ben said hastily. "I want to learn what you like, too."

"We'll work on it. Come on, we need to finish your notes from the session, then we can talk."

They spent ten minutes discussing what had gone well and what Ben should continue to work on. Qui asked about Ben's journal, and Ben had to admit he had been too distracted recently to make any entries.

"I suppose we can give you a pass under the circumstances, but you shouldn't let it slide too long."

"Yes, sir." Ben let a small half-grin slip out.

"Let's go sit in the shade."

Ben trailed Qui, water bottle in hand. He waited until Qui had selected a tree and sat down at its base, legs straight out, and patted the ground beside him, nodding for Ben to join him.

"Damned tree roots and hard ground," Ben grumbled sotto voce as he tried to find a comfortable position for his rear, setting the bottle off to the side.

"Heard that." Qui pulled Ben into his side, his arm around Ben's shoulders. "Just remember - love me, love my trees."

Ben mumbled an inarticulate mock complaint as he happily snuggled closer, smiling at the rumbling laugh he felt through the close contact.

"When do you have to be at work today?"

"By ten."

"We've got a little time then."

There was silence for several minutes.

Ben stirred. "Was there anything in particular you wanted to discuss?"

"Not really. Today I just want to feel what it's like to have you by my side."

"Oh. Alright."

Another very long silence.

"This is nice... being next to you, I mean," Ben ventured. "You're warm... sort of a solid, comforting feeling."

"It's one of the best parts of taking things slowly." Qui rubbed Ben's shoulder.

"I could get to really like this," purred Ben.

"That's good, because I already do."

"Mmmmhmh."

Another silence.

"Did you have your talk with Manus?"

An exasperated sigh. "Have you never heard of a concept called 'enjoying the moment', or do you always have to be talking?"

"Sorry. It just seems strange to sit around not doing or saying anything."

"But we are doing something. We are learning about each other."

"Oh." Ben turned his head to try to look up at Qui.

"And yes, I did talk to Manus. He approves."

"That's nice." Ben squirmed around, trying to get more comfortable. "Otherwise I might have to have a little talk with him myself."

"Something wrong?" Qui raised an eyebrow.

"The ground is hard and my butt's getting numb."

"Your sorry arse is going to have to develop a longer attention span too," growled Qui.

That struck Ben as incredibly hilarious, so he laughed, a laugh which turned into a guffaw. The next thing he knew he was stretched out flat on his back with Qui on his knees beside him, one hand holding Ben down, staring up at the incipient grin twitching on Qui's lips.

"Are we still learning?" Ben managed to tone his mirth down to a mere smirk. "Or can we do something more interactive?"

"Be careful what you wish for."

With a gleam in his eye, Qui captured both of Ben's hands and held them down beside his head. Slowly he lowered his own head until their mouths barely touched. He gently kissed first Ben's upper lip, then sucked softly on his lower lip, alternating between the two.

Ben strained upward trying to capture more of that heavenly treasure, frustrated by his inability to break the grip holding him in place. The more he reached, the further Qui retreated, staying tantalizingly close as he began fluttering barely there kisses along the side of Ben's face. Without warning Qui suddenly slipped down and probed Ben's ear with his tongue.

"Jesus!" gasped Ben as he bucked his hips.

"That interactive enough for you, boy?" whispered Qui. He lapped the ear again as Ben squirmed.

"Damn you," barked Ben, "get down here and I'll show you fucking interactive."

Qui let go of Ben's hands and slid down sideways, holding him close as he leaned in for a serious kiss.

Ben wrapped his arms around Qui, pushing back, trying to deepen that sweet pressure. He prodded persistently with his tongue, trying to force an entrance, his efforts eventually rewarded with a fervor that dragged him into its intensity. Ben gave himself over to the ravenous bliss of hot wet tongues twisting around each other in slithery abandon. He moaned into that scalding frenzy, feeling an answering echo in the breast bearing down on his. Reluctantly, he felt the cool air that announced the withdrawal of that hungry mouth, although he was grateful for the opportunity to draw in welcome air.

Qui leaned on one elbow, his own chest heaving, his other hand resting on Ben's cheek.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to get so carried away like that," murmured Qui contritely. "Are you alright?"

"You can carry me away any time you want." Ben could still feel sparks tingling down to his gut from the taste lingering in his mouth. He licked his lips. "I'm not one of your frail little lassies, Mr. Finn. I like it strong, so I know you're really there."

"Another learning point in my education." Finn had a lopsided smile as he rubbed a thumb along Ben's cheekbone. "You are an amazing temptation, Mr. Kennan."

Ben looked up into the smoky blue eyes and had to fight the urge to submerge himself. He caught Qui's wrist and turned it so he could see the face of the watch on it.

"Damn." Ben twisted his head away. "I've got to leave now if I'm going to have time to get cleaned up before work."

"A pity." Qui rose to his feet, then gave Ben a hand up. They walked silently back to Myrna.

"Tuesday morning?" Ben asked as he sat astride his motorcycle, helmet in one hand. "That's my day off." He let the words drift in the warm air.

"We'll see how things go." Qui leaned in for a quick kiss. "Take care."

As he started down the drive, Ben waved, well-satisfied with the progress of his courtship, but wondering how he was going to endure the next four days.

**************** ***************

There was no point in trying to call and chat on the phone because Qui seemed to have rotating hours and was often out of the house even when he wasn't working. In any event, Ben didn't want to seem like a love-struck teenager with no self-control, so he was forced to find other ways to occupy his time. As was his wont, hard work became Ben's panacea for loneliness over the long days. He volunteered for extra tasks at Midway and UPA, ran longer and exercised harder, and forced himself to sit down with his journal to begin putting down thoughts and impressions about his early childhood and his memories of his father. His reward for himself at the end of each evening was to run the DVD of Qui and practice his forms along with the recording, then slip into bed with the filched t-shirt for slumber. Even so, Tuesday seemed to take forever to arrive.

Ben woke early despite it being his day off, and decided to go for a run while it was cool. As he trotted back up the drive afterward, he passed Rafa and Celesta going out for a ride; they smiled and waved to each other. There was a large black four-wheel drive pickup truck with stake sides parked in front of the house. Ben glanced at it as he reached the front door and went in, wondering who owned it. That question was answered in a few seconds when he stopped in the kitchen. An older, heavy-set man sat at the table with Jane, sipping coffee as they made notes on a sheet of paper. Ben smiled politely and nodded as he got himself a glass of water and took a long drink.

"I think that wraps it up," said the man. "Deal?"

"Deal," Jane answered as they both stood and shook hands. Jane accompanied the visitor out to the front door, then returned with a satisfied smile.

"You look like you just got the best part of that trade," chaffed Ben as he sat at the table sipping more water.

"It was a fair trade, the best kind," Jane said as she gathered the used cup and put it in the sink, then poured herself another and sat down. "Morgan Granger has a place a ways down the road, and every year we get together for our fall dealing. He provides half a beef, cut and wrapped, and this year I'll give him a couple of bushels of vegetables from the garden, six customized sweaters, baby clothes for his new granddaughter and six of my special pies for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The beef will go into that big freezer out in the garage along with the pork from Vinny Tenado and the extra vegetables that I don't can."

Ben shook his head. "And here I was just thinking that you were talking about letting the extra room, although I have to admit he didn't seem the type to be looking to board."

"Won't need to let the room," said Jane, "that's taken care of."

"You already have a new boarder? Who is it?"

"I reckon nobody thought to mention it to you," Jane said casually. "With school starting next week and all, Rafa asked to take both rooms, seeing as they're connected with the bathroom and nice and private. She wanted to set up a study and sitting room so I gave her a discount for a two year agreement and helping out with the animal boarding."

"No, I didn't know." Ben was little miffed, even though he knew it wasn't really any of his business.

"She didn't want a big deal made about it." Jane looked shrewdly at Ben. "Rafa might be quiet, but she's also darned bright. She cottoned on to you being sensitive about money, and didn't want you feeling put out now that the family ranch has been sold so she's got all that set aside on top of the insurance."

Ben ducked his head in embarrassment, because that was exactly where his thoughts had been heading. "Sounds like she is wiser than me. Guess I still have a lot of work to do on that sort of thing," he sighed. "I don't envy how she got the money, though."

"We all have our little demons to sort out." Jane finished her coffee and stood up. "You still going over to Quilan Finn's this morning?"

"Yes, ma'am, I'll be leaving shortly."

And it was indeed a short time later that Ben pulled up at the familiar setting. He smiled as he carefully unstrapped a box from Myrna and carried it around the corner of the house.

"Hey, good morning."

Qui looked up from a sheaf of papers next to a couple of hardcover books. "Good morning. What's that?"

Ben set the box down on the table. "I brought you a present," he said. "I hope you like it."

"You don't have to do things like that."

"I wanted to." Ben shrugged. "It only cost me a little extra work, and it seemed like the least I could do after all the help you've been giving me."

"Let's take a look then." Finn loosened the single green ribbon, let it fall, then opened the flaps of the box. He reached inside and pulled out a fat red tomato. "What's this? Vegetables?" He peered in, a puzzled smile on his face.

"It seemed like something you might appreciate," said Ben. "The first plantings in the garden have been ripening now, so Jane helped me pick a few things out."

"That is a very thoughtful gesture, from both of you. Thank you." Qui set his glasses atop the papers, stood up and hugged Ben, kissed his nose, then nuzzled his ear. "That doesn't mean you have to work any less hard, of course," he whispered.

"Damn, you saw through my little ploy," Ben whispered back as he nipped Qui's ear. "You are too smart for me to get around."

"Flattery will get you a buss." Suiting action to words, Qui wrapped a hand around the back of Ben's head and gave him a long kiss. Afterward, he ran his fingers through Ben's hair, then stepped back. "Now, time to be getting to work."

"Yes, sir." Ben grinned as they headed over to start the morning session.

The session went smoothly and afterward, the two men returned to the table. Qui brought out a large jug of iced tea instead of water.

"Thought it would be nice to have something different today."

"It's good, thanks." Ben took another drink from his mug as they went over the notes of the session.

"You're coming along faster than I had thought. The first six movements were excellent, but we want to keep working on how you're shifting your weight and balancing during the rest."

"It's feeling better, a little more automatic when I stop thinking so hard about some of the details. I've been watching the DVD you made and practicing along with it. I've found it very helpful."

"If that works for you, then perhaps after a few more sessions we could start doing the square form together."

"Wicked pisser!" exclaimed Ben as a big smile spread across his face. "I'd really like that."

"Might help with your timing, as well as giving you a goal to work toward. I'm looking forward to it myself; it's been a while since I've partnered with anybody," Finn said with an answering smile. "How's your journal coming along?"

"I've been working on that, too." Ben paused thoughtfully. "It was difficult initially, trying to think back to what I first remembered and be objective about it. What I've found so far is that when I was very young I loved my father a great deal, I respected him and I wanted very much to earn his love and respect back." He shook his head sadly. "Trying to sort out where things went from there... that's going to be even harder."

"That's a good start, Ben. You can take it a step at a time, just like the other work we're doing. After all -"

"Patience and perseverance, yes, sir." Ben looked skyward. "I ought to have that tattooed inside my head so you just push the button and the words come out."

"Tsk, tsk, such an attitude, boyo. I should make you do pushups while you recite them."

Ben wrinkled his nose to express his thoughts about that idea, which only made Qui laugh.

"Despite your sorry, disrespectful attitude, you have earned a reward for doing so well today." Qui reached under the table and pulled out a sleeping pad. "Your poor little tender arse won't have to sit on the hard ground today." He stood up and drained his mug of iced tea, then gathered pad, books, papers and glasses. "Come over in the shade with me, boyo." He started walking toward the trees.

"You know, there are much softer places we could sit," Ben complained.

"We have to be taking advantage of this nice weather while we can," Qui retorted. "It's still warm this early in September, but it gets cool in October. We've had snow in October and November fairly often. There'll be plenty of time later to stay inside."

"Yes, sir."

They settled under the largest of the trees, simply talking and occasionally kissing. Ben enjoyed the way that Qui embraced him, ran his hands over Ben's face and hair, rubbed his back and shoulders and began expanding his kisses to include Ben's face, ears and neck. He happily reciprocated but sometimes had to remind himself not to be too aggressive, remembering that his last attempt to force his tongue into Qui's mouth had resulted in a reaction which Qui had seemed to regret at the time.

"'Tis a lovely way to spend such a fine morning," sighed Qui as he leaned back against the tree, one hand fondling the back of Ben's neck. "I should be getting on with some work, though."

"I thought you didn't have to go in until this afternoon," Ben murmured as he turned his head to kiss the palm of that large hand.

"That work, yes. We've got some leads in a rash of thefts and we'll be staking out a couple of likely places this evening." Qui shrugged and nodded toward the neglected books and papers. "I've been talking to Sandy about a new project at UPA. They want to do readings of sets of children's stories or fairy tales, so I said I would work up a set of Irish ones for them to vet. I need to do some first readings to see how some of them sound and I'm behind schedule."

"I'd love to listen while you read, maybe give you a little feedback." Ben hoped he didn't sound too needy, as that was his vision of a perfect way to spend time if he couldn't be doing more physical activities. He couldn't help thinking how nice it would be to listen to the real thing instead of his tapes.

"That's probably not a good idea. They usually sound pretty crap the first several times through," Qui's lips were pursed as he shook his head, "and I don't really like to have an audience until a reading is in decent shape."

"Have we found a kink in our shining knight's perfectionist armor?" asked Ben playfully as he poked a finger in Qui's ribs.

Qui scowled. "At any rate, you'd get bored and start talking, and that would just put me off."

"I wouldn't be bored. I like reading, and this is just like reading except you're doing all the work." Ben was trying to turn on the charm, but it didn't seem to be very effective.

"I don't know..."

"Qui, if this is going to be successful for us, we need to see some of each other's warts, to share things even if you think they're not perfect. I know I don't stay on my best company behavior all the time, and I wouldn't expect you to either."

There was a silence as Ben reached for the hand that had stilled on his shoulder and held it to his face.

"I promise I'll be quiet if that's what you need. I'm not trying to interfere with your life, but I want to be close to you, to touch you." Ben shook his head. "I'm finding it's like hugs; I never got them much at home, but now that I've found people who like to hug, it is becoming quite addictive."

"You've got a good point." Qui nodded slowly, arching an eyebrow. "Perhaps I have been living alone for too much of my life and not letting others in enough. I suppose that might be one of the reasons why things never worked out with any of the women." He looked at Ben, a lopsided smile on his face as he pulled Ben close for a hug. "Alright, we'll give it a try." He squeezed a little harder. "But if I hear any snickering or rude noises, your arse is out of here."

Ben was tempted to come back with a snarky query about snoring, but decided he was better off with a mild, "Yes, sir, you've got a deal."

Qui narrowed his eyes as if he had an excellent idea of what Ben had wanted to say, but in turn only said, "Get yourself settled then."

They rearranged themselves to get comfortable. Qui put on his glasses and bent his right knee to prop up his reading material. When Ben stretched out perpendicular to him on his back with his head on Qui's left thigh, Qui rested his free hand on Ben's chest, a pen loosely held.

For the next hour Ben listened contentedly as Qui tried out various stories, reading them different ways, making notes, going back and forth between the books and his papers. Occasionally, Ben would carefully shift his position, but Qui just went on working, sometimes absent-mindedly fondling Ben's head or shoulder.

"I think perhaps I'll put in some of the five minute stories and see if Sandy wants to use them," Qui muttered as he leafed through some printouts.

"May I ask what those are?" Since Qui's words had seemed to be thrown out somewhat in his direction, Ben finally ventured a comment.

"Those are short little bits, often with a point or moral to them, that you can tell when you don't have much time or you're passing stories around at a gathering. Here's a brief example." Qui picked up a sheet of paper and began reading.

"There was a fox that had three young ones, and when the time came to teach them how to fend for themselves, the old fox took them to a house. There was great talk going on inside the house. He asked the first two young ones if they could tell him who was in the house. They couldn't. Then he tried the third. 'Who is inside?' asked the old fox. 'Either two women or twelve men,' said the young one. 'You'll do well in the world,' said the old fox."

"That's cute," said Ben. "I noticed that almost all of the other stories seemed to have some sort of moral to them."

"Most children's stories are for teaching as well as entertainment if you really look at them closely, although sometimes the teaching point can be quite obscure." Qui picked up another page. "Let me get through a few more and I'll call it quits for now."

Qui toiled for another fifteen minutes before putting books and papers aside. He pulled off his glasses and set them on the books, then stretched. Ben took advantage of the break to stretch as well.

"I see you're still awake." Qui looked down at Ben with an amused smile.

"I enjoyed myself. I liked to hear the way you played with some of those stories, trying different ways to interpret them," Ben said as he leaned up on one elbow. "Did it bother you that I was here?"

"Not once I got going." Qui smiled wryly. "I've been told I have quite a remarkable ability to focus on one thing to the exclusion of all else, and it wasn't always meant in a good way."

"From what I've seen of you at UPA, I'd have to agree with the focusing part. It is pretty amazing to see you in action."

Qui stretched out and swung round to lie side-by-side facing Ben, grabbing him for a big kiss. "You like that action better?"

"Mmhhphmm." Ben couldn't get anything else out between trying to laugh and Qui's continued smooches. He held on to whatever piece of Qui was convenient and tried to return kisses as Qui began nibbling and licking Ben's left ear and neck.

"Of course, the work at UPA has its own attractions," murmured Qui as he switched to Ben's right ear.

"They do good things." Ben ran his hands across the width of Qui's broad shoulders and kissed his neck.

Qui worked his way back along the edge of Ben's jawline as he coasted fingertips down his spine.

"Working with Sandy is fun. She has a lot of interesting ideas for new projects."

"Right. She keeps things moving." Ben was far more interested in the tingling that was being generated as Qui sucked on the vein at the base of his neck. He let his head roll back to provide better access for Qui to explore beneath the edge of his t-shirt.

"She did mention something when I was there yesterday that I found a little curious." Qui nibbled at the juncture of Ben's neck and collar bone.

"What's that?" asked Ben absently.

Qui raised his head a little, turned so his mouth was near Ben's ear.

"Why does Sandy call you 'Mister PSA Man'?"

Ben stiffened and jerked away. He didn't need the heat shooting up the back of his neck to know that his face was bright red.

"Uuuughghgh..." Ben gurgled. He rolled away a few feet before sitting up, his back rigid. He looked around, anywhere but at his companion.

"I take it I hit some sort of nerve?" Qui had shifted to his belly, propped up on both elbows. He arched his eyebrows.

"What..." Ben swallowed. "What did she actually say?"

"We were talking about how well the archiving project this summer had gone, and how easy it was now to find files. She mentioned that one example was being able to pull together Public Service Announcements for you to listen to when you first visited the program. It was just in passing that she said she thought of you as Mister PSA Man, since so few people were usually interested in that sort of thing." Qui shrugged. "It just seemed very odd." He tilted his head, waved vaguely with one hand. "Is this something I should not have asked about?"

Ben buried his face in his hands, moaned and rocked a little. "Shit, this is so fucking embarrassing," he mumbled.

"You don't have to talk about it." Qui sat up. "It was just a fleeting curiosity."

"No." Ben raised his head and sighed. "I'm the one who insisted we need to know more about each other." He gave a rueful snort. "Hoist with my own petard." Ben looked at Qui. "Promise you won't laugh?"

Qui nodded. "No laughing."

"Alright." Ben leaned back on both arms as he gathered his thoughts. He took a deep breath before he began speaking. "I hadn't been in town very long. It was a Saturday night; I was down in my room, tired and feeling lonely." Ben paused as he thought back to that miserable evening. "I happened to turn on the radio and heard you doing a music show on UPA. I was captivated by your voice." He bowed his head. "It probably sounds pretty silly. I had no idea who you were, but I felt this sort of connection. I tried to find more recordings you had done at the library, but had no luck. I found out about UPA and went out to the office." Ben glanced up at Qui. "That's where I met Sandy for the first time. I said I was interested in the program, and that I wanted to find out if there were tapes by you in particular. She was suspicious, of course." Ben felt his face reddening again and stopped.

"Sandy is zealous about the rules on staff privacy, so I can imagine what she was probably thinking," said Qui quietly.

"I didn't want her throwing me out, so I had to think of something outrageous," Ben admitted, biting his lip for a moment. "I told her I wanted a tape of you doing PSAs so I could masturbate to it."

"Indeed." Qui merely quirked an eyebrow. "What did Sandy do?"

"She laughed so hard she had tears coming down. She did have Tommy put together a tape of your old PSAs for me, but was adamant about not telling me anything about you. Sandy offered to think about it if I would help with a fundraiser. I showed up the next weekend, she worked my tail off for two days, then later called me to let me know I could come to the studio when you were doing your next reading of new PSAs." Ben rubbed the back of his neck. "The ironic thing is that what I told her was true."

"I suppose that would explain why you wanted me to read to you when you offered to work on my truck."

"Yes, sir. I wanted to try to get to know you, to see more of you. Your voice was like magic... I was hooked and had to have more." Ben sat up straight, his hands clenched on his thighs, swallowed hard to make it to his next words. "I got all the recordings of you I could lay my hands on and I listened to them, sometimes too much, until I learned to get some control of my feelings." His voice dropped and he stared down at the grass. "I still listen to some of them at night, especially when I haven't been able to see you. I hope you don't think I'm too weird or some kind of a pervert, but for a long time it was all I had to keep me going, especially after I met you at UPA and it seemed so obvious that you were straight." Ben's voice caught and he fell silent, his breath hitching as he waited for Qui's reaction.

There was a long silence. Ben chanced a glimpse of Qui's face; he couldn't tell from the withdrawn expression what was going through his ranger's head and chewed on the inside of his cheek nervously.

Eventually, Finn focused his gaze on Ben. His eyes crinkled and a corner of his mouth twitched upward. He got to his hands and knees and slowly came over to Ben, gathered him in his arms and gently laid him down on the ground, holding him tight.

Ben closed his eyes as he settled into the comforting embrace, his own arms wrapped around his ranger.

"A few months ago, I would have thought your behavior was very strange, and that you were perhaps somebody I should be staying as far away from as possible," Qui said softly. "Even now, I'm still coming to terms with the feelings I have for you, but I can understand some of what you must have felt." He tucked Ben's head under his chin. "You've certainly been in my thoughts more and more as I've come to know you better, and I imagine if I'd had pictures or tapes of you, I probably would have spent time looking or listening. When you care for someone, it's natural that you want to be with that person and that you think about him when you can't." He kissed the top of Ben's head.

"So you don't mind that I learned to love your voice first?"

"That's actually romantic in its own way, I suppose. A little odd initially, and I suspect that nowadays many people would think that you were perhaps some sort of stalker, but I believe I shall store it all in the category of odd but endearingly charming." Qui squeezed harder for a moment before moving one hand to stroke the back of Ben's head and neck. "Thank you for sharing."

"Love you," Ben murmured as he let the steady heartbeat next to his head soothe his shaken nerves.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-One §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two mornings later, Ben was at work for an early shift, taking care of the first jobs in the door, when he received a phone call at eight-thirty. The Keo emergency response coordinator was looking for volunteers for a search party. Since Jake was due in shortly, Frank released him to go, charging the time off to his community service leave.

Ben pulled up in the designated assembly area, parking in the midst of several trucks, vans, cars and a few other motorcycles. What he had learned from his first miserable experience had caused him to go out to several thrift shops to find a long-sleeved canvas shirt and gloves, as well as a used day pack for extra water and supplies. He had found a pocket multi-tool that was missing one of its pieces and picked that up as well. He pulled his gear from a pannier, then put on his Midway cap and joined several others hurrying to the reporting point, where he could see about fifty people already milling about.

"Listen up, listen up!" A ranger called out, then waited atop a bench until the group quieted. "I'm Ranger Perkins, coordinator for this search. First, I want to thank everyone for coming out today. Second, let me tell you what our situation is."

Ben listened as the ranger explained that a young girl had apparently wandered off early that morning looking for her dog. When her absence was discovered, her two brothers tried to find her and were now lost as well. Ben's attention wavered a bit when he noticed Qui moving along the back of the group, occasionally stopping to pull a person out for a brief talk. His uniform today was a heavier fabric with long sleeves, cargo pocket pants, hiking boots, baseball style cap and sunglasses tucked into a shirt pocket. He wore his equipment belt which now also held a canteen and long hunting knife in addition to his usual handgun and assortment of other gear.

"The biggest problem is that the little girl has a medical condition and will be due for her medicine soon." A murmur of concern swept the crowd. "We are going to take most of you out on a standard search for the boys with Ranger Shanto and me," he nodded to the short black ranger next to him, "and we will send out a small, fast search team with Ranger Finn to look for the girl. Only those with special expertise and in excellent condition will be going with Ranger Finn and the dogs. I need the rest of you to start forming into two groups over here so we can get water issued and head out."

Qui had almost reached the end of the group and only six people seemed to have met whatever criteria he was using for his selections. Ben stepped into his path.

"I want to go with you," Ben said quietly.

"You don't have the experience or woods-sense to take care of yourself on this type of search." Qui was clearly in full professional mode. "I can't afford to be worrying about you if you fall behind or hurt yourself." He gestured impatiently and started to turn away. "You're better off with the main group."

"I WILL keep up," said Ben. He moved to intercept Qui again. "I may not have anything even approaching your expertise out here, but I've got other skills and I'm very damned stubborn. I have this feeling that you will need me today."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Qui and Ben stared at each other, almost toe to toe, for a long moment, before Qui tightened his jaw. "I don't have time for this."

"I need to come," Ben reiterated, holding his ground.

Qui leaned down. "If I let you come, you obey orders, no questions asked, no smartass back talk, and if I tell you to stay put somewhere, you will plant your damned arse there until someone comes for you. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

Qui glared one more time, then curtly nodded and headed for the rest of his group.

There were nine people altogether: Qui, Ben, a wiry middle-aged man with two dogs, five other men and one woman. Qui looked them over before speaking.

"Once we get out of the vehicle, we will be moving hard and fast, so anybody who does not have a sense of urgency or thinks he won't be able to keep up, should join the other group now." Qui waited for a three-count. "Alright, everybody in the truck and we'll issue gear on the way."

Twenty minutes later the group disembarked on the edge of a campground. Qui had passed out a medical kit to a man he called Doc, and then distributed a portable collapsible stretcher, a long-range radio, bottles of water, energy bars, ropes and rappelling gear, maps and compasses. Qui carried his share of equipment as well as a rifle slung over his back. He had briefed them on the way, so when they met another ranger with a red-eyed man and woman, it was only a matter of moments for the dogs to get a scent from some of the girl's clothing and they were off.

Four hours later, Ben was grateful for the first long break as the dogs cast up and down the banks of a broad stream trying to recover the lost scent. His t-shirt under the open canvas shirt was soaked with sweat, his legs ached and he thought he might never get enough oxygen again. Although not a flat-out pace, Qui had pushed them relentlessly wherever the terrain allowed with only short, occasional breaks and Ben was having second thoughts about the wisdom of his decision to insist on being included. At least there is one other person who looks almost as tired as I feel, he thought to himself as he looked at the oldest man in their group, but he's a doctor, so I guess that's why Qui wanted him along. Ben took a long pull from a water bottle as he leaned against a tree.

A shout from the hillside a few hundred meters upstream drew everyone's attention. It turned out that the taciturn woman in the group was a marathon runner; she had gone ranging in one direction while Qui had gone in the other, leaving the others to rest. Qui came trotting up and ordered everyone to their feet. The woman waved, and as they got closer they could see a piece of cloth in her hand. The dogs began yelping, and they were off again.

After another two hours of scrambling up and down hills and gullies, splashing across streams and getting scratched by the ever-denser woods and brush, Ben was well beyond second thoughts and was heartily cursing whichever evil demon had planted the incredibly stupid notion in his head that he had any business being out here. He hung on grimly, doing his best to watch his assigned portion of the search line, but knew it wouldn't be too much longer before he was going to have to ask for a rest and be damned to whatever scrap of pride he might have left. It wasn't any consolation that Qui had probably traveled at least twice as far as anyone else as he criss-crossed back and forth across the search line.

High-pitched yapping followed by an angry roar snapped everyone's heads up. The thin scream that followed galvanized them into a fast but cautious lope through the trees. Qui stopped them as they came to the edge of a small clearing, motioning to them to drop down to a knee.

A young girl was lying in some grass near a fringe of trees; a mid-size brown and white mongrel stood in front of her, bristling and growling. About fifteen feet away, a black bear stood at the base of a small tree, rearing up on her back legs. A bawl from high in the tree revealed a cub clinging to the slender trunk.

"Norm, get your dogs back down the hill and keep them close," whispered Qui. He motioned to the rest of the group to get down as he unslung his rifle. "Zeb, if she charges, can you bring her down?"

A medium-set man in a camouflage shirt looked out across the clearing for a moment, then nodded resolutely.

"You only shoot if she charges, got that? She's just trying to protect her cub and I don't want her harmed if we can help it."

"Understood."

Qui handed over the rifle. "I'll circle around and get the girl. If the bear heads in this direction, get out of her way; she's only going to be wanting to escape." He put a hand on Zeb's shoulder. "I may need a distraction. If I raise my hand, I want you to fire one shot straight up."

"Hand up, one shot. Got it."

"Good man." Qui took off his equipment belt, then leaned in very close. "Kennan, hold this. Don't touch the pistol and if you lose it, I'll have your hide in little strips."

"Yes, sir." Ben slipped the belt over his left shoulder and under his right arm, then buckled it securely. When he looked up, Qui was gone.

Zeb took up position next to a tree, leaning against it to help steady his aim. Ben remained with the others, kneeling several feet further back. He felt his pulse racing with tension and uncertainty. Time dragged as the standoff in the sunlit small clearing continued, the dog still growling and the bear now on all fours, rocking back and forth on her front legs.

"What's going to happen?" whispered Ben softly to the closest person, the female marathon runner.

The woman glanced at him and whispered back. "Hopefully, nothing will happen until Ranger Finn makes it happen. It looks like the dog won't leave the girl and the bear won't leave her cub. The whole thing probably shouldn't have happened as black bears typically prefer to run or go up a tree." She shrugged. "The girl and dog probably surprised the bears, the cub made a mistake and climbed a tree too small for the sow to follow. The girl is most likely either too terrified or too exhausted to try to leave. So here we sit."

"But what -"

"Shhhh." Zeb glared at Ben for a second, then returned his attention to the front.

Ben went quiet, chewing on his lower lip as he began scanning the trees, searching for signs of movement. Any hint of a breeze had died, and sweat trickled down his temples. The hard leather of Qui's equipment belt seemed to bite into his palm and fingers as he clutched it tightly with his left hand. Try as he might to be silent, his breathing sounded stentorian in his ears, a rocky rush of air that held too little oxygen and drowned out any other noises around him.

A shadow drifting along the far edge of the open area caught Ben's attention. He focused intently on the movement, finally glimpsing a form crawling through the grass. His hands clenched even tighter, knuckles white. Every individual beat of his heart sounded loud and sluggish as he watched helplessly. Suddenly a large hand reached up and pulled the dog down; a muffled yip sounded in the stillness.

The tension was a palpable haze as Qui crouched low, holding the dog under one arm and grabbing the shirt collar of the weeping youngster. Slowly, ever so slowly, he began backing away toward the trees.

Ben's heart stopped as the bear reared high and grunted, swinging its head back and forth as if puzzled by this new turn of events. Qui slowed even further, barely moving, inching along bit by bit toward the refuge of the forest.

The bear dropped to all fours. It growled as it took two tentative steps forward, its white teeth gleaming. Qui froze. Zeb raised the rifle and took careful aim.

Ben felt as if time was suspended... he couldn't breathe, he couldn't turn away, he couldn't feel the ground under him.

A bawl from high above shattered the tableau. The bear turned back to look up at its cub. The ranger quickly pulled his burdens into the shade and out of danger.

Breath whooshed out in a huge sigh of relief as Ben collapsed into a boneless crouch. Sensation and awareness returned with a crash; his eyes stung from sweat, his legs throbbed and his lungs burned. He had barely sucked in three deep breaths when Qui appeared through the trees.

"Take the dog," whispered Qui as he thrust the squirming animal into the arms of one of the men. "We need to get away from here now. Keep quiet and follow me."

Ben struggled to his feet and joined the silent exodus trailing the ranger. Zeb was the last, keeping a wary eye backward until the clearing was out of sight. After ten minutes of traveling uphill, Qui stopped and put the girl down in a sunny spot.

"Doc, take a look at her and give her the medicine we brought. I didn't have a chance to do an exam, but she dropped off as I was carrying her around and her breathing is very shallow."

"Right." The older man opened the medical kit. "Isaac, you were an Army medic, right?"

A slender young black man nodded. "Six years. What can I do to help?"

"Start on her vital signs while I get the drugs ready to inject."

Ben stood back with the rest of the team as the two men began their work. He looked up as Zeb joined them.

"We're clear, Ranger Finn. The bear stayed with her cub." He handed back the rifle.

"Good." Qui checked the safety before slinging the rifle across his back, then pulled out a map. "Margarethe, can you find Norm and his dogs and have them join us?" He pointed to some spots on the map. "This was our last position, we're here now, and Norm should be waiting in this area, which isn't all that far."

"No problem." The woman loped off.

Qui came over to where Ben was standing. "Still with us?" he asked dryly as he held out a hand.

"A little the worse for wear, but yes, sir." Ben unbuckled the equipment belt and gave it back.

"Thanks." After settling the wide belt around his hips, Qui pulled out a small radio. He turned it on, made several adjustments, listened as he shifted a knob, then finally flipped a toggle and the static that had been pouring out died. He shook his head.

A muffled curse drew everyone's attention to where the two men were working on the young girl. Doc looked up, his jaw taut. "It's not looking good, Finn. She's on the edge of going into shock and is not reacting as well as she should to the meds. We need to get her back to proper medical care quickly."

"Do what you can for her." Qui motioned to another man in the group, a thirtyish muscular man who had effortlessly kept up the pace while carrying the heaviest load. "Walter, we have to set up the long-range radio. This is a notoriously bad area for communications and the handhelds and cell phones won't work out here."

"You got it." Walter smiled cheerfully and pulled his pack off. He began pulling out pieces of equipment while Qui checked on the medical progress.

Ben shifted his feet as he stood around feeling quite useless. He sighed and went to plunk himself down next to the last members of the group, two young men who had already stretched out for a rest.

"Hey," said Ben tentatively as he pulled out his last bottle of water and took a sip. "Tori and Togi, wasn't it?"

"Yup," replied one blond laconically without opening his eyes.

"I'm Tori, that lout is cousin Togi." The other blond grinned. "Enjoying the show?"

"I think I'm too tired to enjoy anything except the prospect of getting home again." Ben managed a small grin in return. "This isn't anything like the other search group I went out with. What is supposed to happen now?"

"This isn't a typical search. They usually go a lot slower trying to cover more ground with bigger teams, but Ranger Finn is like a whole search team of his own when he gets going on these rough ones." Tori shook his head admiringly. "Togi and I have hunted and hiked these woods since we were kids, and I've never seen anyone better."

"He does seem to really know what he's doing. But what happens next today?" Ben persisted.

"Well, Norm and the dogs should be back shortly, but the main thing is what kind of shape that kid is in. If Doc says she stable, we'll set up the litter and carry her out." Another big grin. "That's mainly why we were asked along, extra muscle not just for the search but to help with the litter shifts. If she's in bad shape, which is what it's sounding like, they'll radio out for a helicopter. After they pick up the girl, we'll walk back out. If we get lucky, there'll be a service road we can reach and they'll send a truck out to meet us partway." He looked around the thick forest. "If they have to send a chopper, it might be tough finding a landing zone around here, though."

"Hey, you three make yourselves useful," called Qui. "We need to get the long wire antenna up a tree."

"Can do." Tori yanked Togi's arm. "Come on, move your lazy ass before I kick it."

"Yeah, yeah," mumbled Togi as he slowly stood up, "you and what army, ya wuss?"

Ben followed the cousins as they continued to snipe at each other.

Walter looked up as they approached. He handed them a canvas bag. "Antenna's in here. Easiest way to install it is to find something heavy, tie it to the end of the line, and heave it over a branch. If that doesn't work, one of you will need to climb a tree and pull it up."

"We'll take care of it," said Tori as he grabbed the bag. He headed for the biggest tree near them while Togi began searching for rocks.

"That should do it," said Walter with a satisfied smile. He patted the compact rectangle, then began carefully turning switches and knobs.

Ben stepped back out of the way and alternated his attention between the radio operator and the medical operation, wondering once again what had possessed him when he had insisted on coming along. He was tired, hungry and embarrassed by his realization of how ill-suited he was for this work.

"Radio ready?" Qui had come up soundlessly. "It looks like we're probably going to have to get a medevac."

"I followed all of the instructions to the letter and it should be working, but nothing's happening." Walter looked up, his brows furrowed. "The other ranger checked it out before we left and it worked fine. Let me swap the battery and see if that helps."

Tori and Togi came up behind Qui and looked on. Margarethe, Norm and the dogs trotted up to join the crowd.

"You got the girl, I take it?" asked Norm.

"We did, but she's not in very good shape. We'll see if we can get her airlifted and then walk out, so you may as well get some rest," answered Qui, not taking his eyes off the radio.

"Sounds good. We'll be close by."

"I can't get it to come on. I don't know what's wrong." Walter leaned back, a frustrated scowl on his face.

Qui knelt down and began checking the various controls. He shook his head as nothing happened, then rubbed a finger along the back. "Walter, you took a couple of spills when we hit those loose rock patches this morning. Do you think you might have landed on it, perhaps?"

"Could have, I guess. I don't really remember." Walter picked up his pack and looked at it. "There are some mud and grass stains, and this little rip here on the side." He bit his lip. "Jesus, I feel terrible if I broke the damned thing. I've never had that happen before." He lifted his shoulders helplessly, his face pale. "I'm just the pack mule and basic operator. I don't know how to fix the equipment."

"It's alright." Qui looked over at Doc. Doc's jaw tightened and he shook his head at the unspoken question. "Damn," said Qui softly as everyone looked at him for guidance.

Everyone except Ben, who was staring down at the radio.

"Let me check it out," said Ben. He looked up at Qui. "I may not have woods sense, but I'm pretty good with machines."

A long moment's gaze from those deep blue eyes, then a single nod. Qui turned away. "The rest of you get that antenna up. We'll need to have it ready to go as soon as Ben fixes the radio."

An electric spark raced through Ben at the casual show of confidence, followed by a brief stab of dismay at the responsibility that had also been assigned. He quickly set both feelings aside and focused on the task at hand.

"Let's see what we've got then, shall we?" Ben smiled at the guilt-stricken Walter and set to work.

The first thing Ben did was spread his canvas shirt to prevent any loose parts from getting lost. He laid out the box and accessories, nodding when he found a small spare parts kit. Ben checked the exterior of the radio case, noting several dents. Using his multitool, he unscrewed the case and grinned as he saw a schematic on the inside of the case.

Ben hummed to himself as he began troubleshooting. Within a few minutes he had narrowed down the most likely problem as inability to access the power source. The batteries themselves appeared to be fine, but when Ben pulled out a circuit board from the bottom of the unit, he saw a few small cracks. He traced them down and found a dislocated and twisted connector. He bent all of his attention to the problem, unaware that the tip of his tongue was sticking out of the corner of his mouth. Using the smallest pick on the tool and a piece of stiff wire, he gently nudged the connector back into place, cautiously forcing it onto the nib of the battery. He carefully replaced the board and then laid the entire unit down on the shirt.

Taking a deep breath, Ben sat back and rolled his shoulders to release the tension that had built up. He glanced up to find Qui looking down at him with a raised eyebrow. Ben smiled, casually reached for the radio controls and flipped the on switch, watching happily the twitching of Qui's mouth as the indicator light glowed green and a hiss of static burst forth.

Qui gave no other outward sign of emotion. "Good. Walter, get the antenna connected and set the frequency."

"On it." Walter quickly and efficiently got the system hooked up and on the air. He chewed on his upper lip as he anxiously tuned it, then sighed in relief as he made contact. "Got it." He handed the microphone to Qui.

Consulting his map, Qui called in the medevac request and relayed the information on the route his team would be using to walk out. He handed the mike back and turned to the rest of the team.

"We're set. The only close pickup point is well over a mile away through some rough terrain, so I'll take the girl myself to make better time. Doc, wrap her in a blanket and I'll carry her." He pointed to his map. "Margarethe, take the team and head for this service road along here. Take the girl's dog with you. I'll join you on the road. Any questions?" He waited a moment as Margarethe folded her own map and put it into a pocket. "Good. I'll leave now; the rest of you pack everything up and leave as soon as you're ready."

As Doc finished preparing the sick child, Qui stopped beside Ben and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Good work, Ben. Thanks." No smile, just a quick squeeze and he was gone.

A warm flush suffused his being as Ben savored the understated compliment. Although it didn't erase the exhaustion seeping into his bones, he finally began to feel that perhaps his presence was at least partially vindicated. He helped Walter put the radio back together and into its pack, then joined the group as they began their hike.

Forty-five minutes later they were slogging along a dirt road when Qui came trotting up, dark streaks of sweat marking his shirt. He gave a thumbs up, which brought smiles to everyone's faces, then took his place walking with the team. It was almost another forty-five minutes before they met a truck and eagerly climbed aboard for the rest of the return trip.

Ben was silent on the ride back. He was too tired to do more than nibble on the sandwich from one of the box lunches which had been provided to everyone, but was grateful for the cold drink. He was occupied with his thoughts, although occasionally he would sneak a glance at Qui, who sat at the back of the vehicle writing up the start of his report on a small notepad.

When they arrived back at their assembly point near a small visitor center, Ben dragged himself out, lagging behind as a representative from the Forest Service stopped each person to verify physical wellbeing and get the proper spellings of names for the official file. Another ranger was there collecting any equipment which had been issued. Once he was released, Ben began trudging toward the parking lot, head down, ignoring the excited chatter and yapping of dogs.

A hand on his shoulder stopped Ben.

"Are you alright? You look beat."

"Tired. I just want to go home," Ben answered, but didn't look around.

Qui dropped his hand and stepped around in front of Ben. "You were very quiet on the trip back. Are you sure there's nothing else wrong?"

Ben took a slow breath, but didn't look up. "Been thinking..." He shrugged.

"Come with me." Qui took Ben's arm and began leading him away.

A few minutes later the two men were sitting across a table in a back room of the visitor center.

"Please talk to me, Ben," said Qui quietly. "You look like you have a serious problem, and I want to help."

Shoulders slumped, Ben leaned forward, resting his weight on his forearms. Fatigue weighed heavily on him, but not as heavily as the questions and emotions that had been swirling in his mind much of the day. Finally he sighed and spoke in a low, rough voice. "A couple of things have been bothering me, I suppose." He faltered.

Qui waited patiently.

"I feel like I should apologize for pushing to go with you. You were right; I don't know what I'm doing out there and I was so worried about trying to keep up, I wasn't any real help on the searching. If we hadn't found that girl when we did, I was so tired I was ready to ask to stop." Ben rolled his lower lip between his teeth. "I felt like a useless dead weight most of the time."

"Ben, you need to understand some things and think about a few others," Qui said firmly. "That was far beyond a normal search. Everyone else on the team has lived here for years and is an avid hunter, runner or hiker, even Doc. Margarethe is even better than me for long distances; she not only runs marathons but is one of the top fifty in the country in competitive orienteering. You were in some very elite company and still stuck with it, although I do have to admit you were looking ragged out toward the end."

"I was dead on my feet. I could have gotten somebody hurt." Ben shook his head and stared down at the table.

"Look at me, young man," said Qui sternly. He paused until Ben raised his head. "You need to take away the positive aspects of what happened. I was not happy you came, but now I'm glad you insisted. If you had not been along and able to fix the radio, we could not have gotten that girl out of there in time. You hung in when you were feeling bad, and then made a critical contribution that was directly responsible for helping save her life. There's more to you than I realized, Ben Kennan. I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself."

"I... I'm not sure what to say." Ben felt a tightness in his throat. "I didn't realize she was really that sick."

"She was going into a coma when I got her to the pickup point, and the doctors said another couple of hours' delay could have killed her. You did that, Ben, you helped her to live, and I want you to remember that."

"Thanks. That does make me feel better." Ben took a ragged breath.

There was a brief silence as Qui cocked his head. "Something else is bothering you, isn't it?"

Ben licked his lips, not sure of the right words. "Yes... it's the work you do." He swallowed hard. "The more I find out about what you really do in the Keo, the more concerned I get for your safety."

"What sort of worrying are you doing?"

"I worry about you getting hurt or killed. It started the first time that I realized you carry a gun. And when I saw you out there today... crawling out to retrieve the child and that stupid dog..." Ben waved a hand helplessly. "I was scared shitless when I thought that bear was going to come after you." He shuddered. "All I could think of was you lying there all bloody and torn up, maybe even dead."

"While I appreciate the sentiment, again there are some things you need to understand," said Qui gently. "I was not in any major danger today -"

"I saw that fucking bear, dammit. You were right out there with it."

"Give me some credit for knowing what I'm doing in my own territory," said Qui dryly. "The bear didn't want to be in that situation any more than we wanted her there, and I not only was taking the most non-threatening course of action to extract the girl, but I had backup with Zeb and the rifle. As long as nobody did anything stupid, the probability was very low that the situation would have escalated."

"Oh." Ben chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought. "Maybe I over-reacted... but I also can't help thinking about the fact that you are really a policeman of sorts and people might shoot at you."

"Did I not tell you how few times I've had to draw my gun, let alone fire it? And did I not tell you one of the main reasons that I learned Tai Chi was to be able to defend myself without violence?"

"Yes, sir, I guess you did."

"Forget all that nonsense you see in movies and on television. Enforcement work is 99% tedious routine and perhaps 1% excitement." Qui smiled. "I should make you look at all the paperwork I have to do; you'd quickly realize how dull the job really can be."

Ben reached a hand shyly across the table. "I wouldn't worry if I didn't love you so much," he said softly.

Qui stood up and came around the table and put a hand on Ben's shoulder, squeezing gently. "And I love you, too, Ben." He leaned over to kiss the top of Ben's head.

A knock on the door sent Qui quickly stepping away.

"There you are!" growled Mack Windham. "They found the two brothers and the press is already hounding us for photo ops with the whole family and that idiot dog of theirs. I need the rest of your damned report so we can get it cleared by the PR people."

"Yes, sir. I was just giving our volunteer a little pep talk after such a tough outing, but I'll have it for you in a few minutes." He pointed to Ben. "This is the young man who fixed the radio so we could call in the medevac."

"Kennan, right?" Windham's tone was suddenly smooth and warm. "You're new to the crew?"

"Yes, sir."

"That was some good work out there, son," Windham said, shaking Ben's hand. "We appreciate all of our volunteers and I hope you'll be staying with us. We couldn't make it here in the Keogami without people like you who are willing to sacrifice their time and effort."

"Thank you, sir." Ben stood up. "I am awfully tired and I've already taken up enough of Ranger Finn's time, so I'd better be getting home."

"Get a good rest tonight, Mr. Kennan. You've certainly earned it."

They walked out of the small building and Ben turned toward the parking lot. Myrna got him safely home, where Jane and Rafa fussed over him, telling him what they had heard on the radio and television about the rescue. He went to bed early, but it was only as he was settling under the covers that he allowed himself to savor the words that had been Qui's first declaration of love.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Two §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ben was still tired and very sore when he woke the next morning. He lay drowsing for several minutes, thinking about Qui's brief confession of love before they had been interrupted. It made him feel warm inside and reminded him of some of the other things Qui had told him. He was much more satisfied with his contribution to the rescue effort after sleeping on it, but couldn't bury his nagging concerns for Qui's safety despite the ranger's protestations. When he finally pulled himself out of bed, Ben decided stretching exercises were all he was going to be able to manage.

Upstairs at breakfast, Jane handed him the local newspaper folded back to a page prominently displaying a picture of Mack Windham with the family gathered around the rescued girl's hospital bed. There was a smaller, older side-picture of the girl and the dog. Ben read the article over his cereal, smiling as he noted how little mention it held of a certain tall, lanky ranger, although there were profuse thanks for the Forest Service and the volunteer searchers. He wondered idly what else might be in back issues of the newspapers, and decided to do a little research when he had some time.

The phone rang; Ben was closest, so he got up and answered it.

"Brandon residence."

"Ben?"

"Speaking."

"It's Qui. We've got a lead in an ongoing case, so I'm going to be out of touch for a few days and need to move our next session."

"Don't they give you a break even after something like yesterday?"

"No rest for sinners or for rangers during the summer." The good humor came through the phone line. "I should be off Monday if all goes well. How does that work for you?"

"Perfect, that's my next day off as well. What time?"

"Nine in the morning would be good."

"Great. See you then."

Despite Qui's absence, Friday, Saturday and Sunday passed more quickly than Ben would have thought. He snagged an extra two hours of overtime both days of the weekend as one of the interns left to go back to school. The garden needed much of his attention with the ripening of many of the early plantings. He eased back into his exercise routine and caught up with his email obligations to Maureen. Qui's profession of love had spurred hopes of increased progress in their physical intimacy; Ben found his love figuring ever more prominently in his dreams and had begun sleeping in the soft green t-shirt he had hijacked, despite his normal preference for nudity in bed.

The weather Monday morning was very warm after a relatively cool Sunday. Ben pulled up beside the small house on the stroke of nine, but the profound silence after he turned off Myrna's engine was unsettling. The garage was closed and there was no sign of the truck. Ben walked around the house, knocked on the front door, and called out, but heard no response. He decided to wait; it was fifteen minutes later that his patience was rewarded when the old truck rattled up and parked next to him.

"Hey, how's it going?" asked Ben.

"Sorry I'm late." Qui climbed out of the truck and stretched, still in uniform. "We ended up chasing our tails for the last few days trying to get the drop on a ring of thieves that's been haunting several of the campgrounds."

"Catch any of them?"

"We got two, but we think there are at least another four out there." Qui yawned and unbuckled his equipment belt. "We'll try again next weekend, since that's when they've been most active."

Ben looked closer. Qui had a heavy growth of stubble and his uniform was rumpled. "You look pretty bushed. If they had you out all night, I can come back some other time so you can sleep."

"Out most of the last three days, actually, but as long as I'm still up I'd rather get the session in." Qui grinned. "You'll not be getting out of it that easily, boyo. I can always sleep later."

"If you're sure..." Ben said hesitantly.

"I'm sure. Just let me put my gear away and get these boots off." Qui headed for the front door. "You can grab some bottles of water from the refrigerator in the kitchen and throw them in the cooler if you want to make yourself useful. I'll meet you around the side."

Ben followed Qui inside. It was the first time he had been invited back in since his illness and he hoped it was another sign of Qui's growing trust. He found the small cooler on the counter next to several empty bottles evidently waiting to be cleaned and refilled, got two reusable cold packs from the freezer and put in four containers of water from the refrigerator. He added a bottle of orange juice he found with the water, then carried it outside to the picnic table. Five minutes later, Qui came out barefoot but still in his green uniform pants and white t-shirt. Ben handed him the juice.

"Thanks, that was thoughtful of you." Qui drank the entire bottle, leaning his head back to get the last swallow. "That hit the spot. Let's get started."

The session went smoothly. Ben was impressed yet again with Qui's uncanny ability to focus even when he was so obviously tired. Qui took him completely through the square form four times, catching every fault of execution with gentle corrections and praise for the final rendition.

"I still think that's a lot more work than it looked when you did it," Ben complained. He stood beside the faded table glugging a bottle of water.

"Once you have mastered the full form AND the philosophy, it will give energy back to you," Qui responded with a grin. "You just have to be putting quite a lot of energy in first before you get to that stage."

"Philosophy." Ben wrinkled his nose as he pulled a second bottle of water from the small cooler. "The last book on that topic I read was in college, Persig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It was not really what I thought it was going to be." He waved dismissively.

Qui laughed. "No, I suppose it wouldn't be." He took a sip of water. "I seem to recall there was some discussion of the beauty of technology in there, however."

"He did have a few interesting points, but by the time I got done writing the paper on it, I was thoroughly tired of the damned thing. Maybe I'll revisit it one of these days, though." Ben took another long drink, then stepped over to stand beside Qui's shoulder and hesitated. "Look, I can leave if you want to get some sleep."

"I probably should, but it's such a beautiful day it seems a shame to waste it lying slug-a-bed." Qui rose and put a hand on Ben's shoulder. "We can at least sit together for a bit if you'd like."

"I would very much like." Ben smiled diffidently. "Thanks."

"It is literally my pleasure, my boy."

Qui led the way to a shady spot under a large tree along the edge of the grass. He leaned back and settled himself, spread his legs and nodded.

Ben pulled his sneakers and socks off and happily sat down on the grass, nestling his back against Qui's chest. He rested his head on Qui's shoulder and relaxed into the warm embrace.

"Mmmmm... so good," murmured Ben as he closed his eyes.

For several minutes, a peaceful serenity held sway. Qui's hand absently fondled Ben's neck and shoulders, but soon slipped off. Ben felt a quiet rumble and a slow rise and fall at his back. He smiled gently as a soft snore escaped.

Ben stayed still for another long moment, but eventually opened his eyes wide as a daring thought came to him. He looked down to either side, then very slowly reached to pick up Qui's hands. He carefully moved them, wary of any stirring at his back, sliding them under his t-shirt. He let the hands lie flat, holding them against the bare skin of his stomach.

"Oh, sweet Jesus... oh, that is so good," breathed Ben. A sound halfway between a whimper and a moan escaped his lips as he closed his eyes again. "If this is living in the moment, I hope this one never ends," he whispered.

Boneless except for a light touch atop those wonderful hands, Ben let himself drift in the warmth of the sun. He was content to simply bask in the luxury of that magnificent feeling.

Despite the undeniable pleasantness of his morning, eventually an unpleasant niggling in his middle forced itself into Ben's awareness. He cracked an eyelid and considered the sensation. It quickly became a very specific and localized pressure as his bladder made its fullness known. He cursed all the extra coffee he had indulged in for breakfast that morning and the extra water after their session; Ben tried to ignore the problem for as long as he could, but that only made it worse. He shifted his weight, which caused Qui to stir behind him.

"Shit," Ben said softly as Qui's arms tightened around him. "Not good..." He sucked in a breath as Qui moved again. "Let go, big guy," Ben said a little louder. He tried to loosen the grip of those heavy hands.

"Hmmghgh," mumbled Qui as he pulled Ben closer. "What?"

"Qui!" Ben almost squeaked as Qui squeezed. "Let go! Please!"

"Something wrong?" Qui peered over Ben's shoulder, a puzzled expression in his sleepy eyes. "Did I do that?" He moved his hands along Ben's stomach. Unfortunately he pressed directly on Ben's distinctly unhappy bladder.

"I've got to take a piss. Now!" hissed Ben. "I hope your damned trees don't mind a little extra water." He pried Qui's hands away and carefully scrambled up.

"Sure... over that way or you can use the bathroom." Qui waved vaguely further into the woods as he yawned and stretched.

"Not gonna make it to the bathroom." Ben moved as fast as he dared until he was out of sight behind a very broad tree, unzipping the fly of his jeans as he went. He leaned against the trunk with one hand as he cut loose with a tremendous sigh of relief.

Heading back toward the clearing, Ben met Qui coming from the house.

"Hey... sorry about that. Didn't mean to wake you." Ben rolled one shoulder.

"When you have to go, you have to go." Qui tilted his head a little to match his half-smile. "Were my hands doing a little sleepwalking under your shirt?"

"Ummm... no." Ben smiled sheepishly. "I did that myself. I hope that doesn't bother you too much." His smile turned anxious as he rubbed a hand along his thigh.

"Ah." Qui sighed. "I'm not moving fast enough for you, am I?" His brow was furrowed, his lips pursed.

"No... I mean, it's fine..." Ben started to speak, but the words caught in his throat a moment. He scuffled a toe in the grass as he looked down. "I don't want to push any faster than you are ready to go."

Qui gathered Ben into his arms. With one hand he tucked Ben's head under his chin, while his other hand moved under Ben's t-shirt and rubbed his back.

Ben wrapped his arms around Qui's middle and held him tight.

"Ben... I want you, I really do... but you've got me all betwixt and between."

"Hmmmph?" Ben mumbled against Qui's chest.

"My heart tells me that I love you... but I've spent forty-odd years thinking I was one sort of person, and my head is still confused about who or what I am right now." Qui slid his hand around Ben's neck to lift his chin up, letting his thumb slip gently along Ben's cheek. He inclined his head down to softly nuzzle Ben's lips. "Give me a little more time?"

"It's a relationship worth investing in, love." Ben tried to smile reassuringly, mildly disconcerted at Qui's accurate assessment of his growing frustration. "I can surely afford time; it's little enough to offer."

"Thank you." Qui leaned in a little further for a long, lingering kiss, his tongue tentatively asking permission to explore, permission which was eagerly granted. He kept the pressure light, but let his hands roam up and down Ben's back until the kiss broke and he raised his head.

Ben looked up, savoring the lingering taste on his lips. He lifted a hand, running his fingertips across the bristly chin. He traced the lines along the edges of his ranger's face and running down the sides of his mouth, gazing into the bloodshot eyes. Regretfully, he pulled back. "I shouldn't be keeping you awake. You still look awfully tired."

"It has been a long week and I do need more sleep." Qui rested a hand on each of Ben's shoulders. "Do you want to stay?"

"Huh?"

"I trust you not to have your wicked way with me if you'd be wanting to have a lie-down beside me." Qui looked into Ben's eyes.

"You don't have to do that, you know."

"I want to."

"I guess I could do with a nap myself." Ben smiled bashfully.

"Be right back." Qui had a little grin as he strode toward the house.

Ben took several slow, deep breaths as he stood under the tree, shaking his hands to dispel the tension in his gut. He watched as Qui quickly returned with two pillows, a sleeping pad, an unzipped sleeping bag and flannel sheet.

Qui laid the pad, bag and pillows in the grass. He set the sheet along the side, then knelt on the open sleeping bag. After that he looked up at Ben, and, with a devilishly delicious smile, slowly pulled off his t-shirt.

Biting his lower lip, Ben watched as Qui lay down and stretched. When the ranger beckoned to him, Ben swallowed at the sight of all that wonderful bare skin, sternly willing his burgeoning erection to go away. "Are you sure that's such a good idea?" he asked hoarsely.

"I trust you, remember?"

"I'm not sure I trust me."

"Your choice, Mr. Kennan." Qui plumped his pillow and pulled the sheet over his legs. "I'm going to sleep."

"Oh, Jesus," Ben said weakly. He swallowed again and tried to remember to breathe. "To hell with it." He pulled his t-shirt off and dove down before he could change his mind. He felt a long arm pull him in. A rumbling laugh vibrated under his head as he laid it on Qui's chest, and snuggled closer, listening to the deep, even breathing, savoring the exquisite feel of skin on skin. Ben happily settled in for a few hours of bliss.

**************** ***************

Although individual hours separated from his love seemed increasingly difficult to endure, time as a whole inevitably marched onward as September moved through its second week.

Dennis and Margaret held a staff meeting for everybody to discuss upcoming events. October would mark a major seasonal shift for the business: one intern had already gone back to school; Jake would be leaving soon to move to his winter home; Bobby was hoping to switch over to full-time only at Rugers by the end of the month; and Mattie had asked to stay on for twenty hours a week as part of her work-study program with the university. Although Midway would not revert to their six-day-a-week schedule until November, Frank was already interviewing candidates for potential part-time assistance during the winter.

At home, Jane took Ben on a detailed tour of the garden, pointing out row by row her expectations for which items should be harvested each week and explaining the work they would need to do after the last harvest to till in a new layer of organic material without disturbing the rows of perennial vegetables along one end. She smiled as Ben's eyes glazed over during the talk of planting cycles, sun exposure, decomposition times, nutrient levels and storage requirements for root vegetables. Ben had answered "Yes, ma'am" at appropriate intervals, but was more than happy to escape when Jane finally laughed and said she would just remind him later when things needed to be done.

One evening Ben was washing dishes after supper when Jane came in the back door, took the cloth from his hand and suggested it would be nice if he went out to the barn for a spell. Ben had learned that it was useless to ask questions when she had that particular little half-smile, so he went out and found Rafa ensconced inside Celesta's stall staring dismally at a stack of books next to her backpack. Ben hung over the half-door, carefully asking casual questions until Rafa finally admitted she was feeling overwhelmed after her first full week of classes.

"My high school was small and the university is so big," said Rafa, frustration clear in her voice. "There are so many people, but I feel lost and alone." She thumped the stack of books. "And I think I signed up for too many hard classes. All the professors seem to think theirs is the only class that counts and I already have much more homework than I thought there would be."

"May I take a look?"

"Of course."

Ben went into the stall and sat down against one wall. He looked through the books: American history, English literature, introductory calculus, chemistry, advanced Spanish and several workbooks.

"This does seem quite a load to start with. What sort of courses were you taking your last year in high school?"

"All the college prep and honors courses I could fit in, but there weren't that many available. And the teachers were so much more friendly."

"Let's think about this for a bit, Rafa. In high school, you had known everybody for several years, you knew where you fit in and were comfortable. You said you were also working at home while keeping up top grades, right?"

Rafa nodded impatiently. "But that was different then. It was a lot easier and now I just feel stupid."

"Somebody must have thought you were pretty smart if they gave you a full academic scholarship," Ben reminded her. "You've had topics like this before, but now you're just having a lot thrown at you while you're also trying to get used to a very different environment. It's a tough adjustment for most people, but I think you can handle it if you get organized." Ben turned on his most charming smile. "I thought I was going to die my first month in college, so it's not just you, believe me."

Cel dozed in a corner, one leg cocked, as Ben regaled Rafa with tales of his freshman woes and mishaps until he finally coaxed a relaxed smile and laugh from her. As they talked about methods for getting organized, Ben suggested some study groups as a way to both meet people and work on academics, and offered to help with the math as that seemed to be the most troublesome subject. When Ben left an hour later, Rafa thanked him and offered a shy hug.

Quilan Finn stayed very much in Ben's thoughts. They could only fit in one session that week, an early morning already turning crisp that allowed just a few extra minutes for some brief but flavorful kisses before they both had to depart for work. Memories of that wondrous day of lying skin to skin under the sun made his evenings and mornings harder to deal with, the result of which was that his right hand was getting quite a workout. He cursed the erratic schedules they both had, cursed the need for this cautious progress in their relationship and worked harder than ever at trying to stay focused at his job.

There was one particularly notable event that occluded thoughts of his frustrating love life, at least for a little while. One morning Ben came up to find that Jane and Rafa had prepared a huge breakfast spread with his favorite food. He was mystified when Jane sat him down and told him breakfast was in his honor. A moment later she produced an envelope and handed it to him with a flourish. Ben opened it and pulled out a receipt marked paid in full.

"Congratulations, Ben Kennan. You are fully caught up with all back rent, security deposits and this month's rent to boot." Jane and Rafa both had big smiles.

Ben's grin stretched from ear to ear as he smoothed the piece of paper out on the table. Joy swept through him and he laughed. "Thank you, ma'am, for putting up with me this long. I guess it's better late than never."

"It's a pleasure having you around, son. You just keep working away at your dreams, and you'll get there sooner than you think."

All through breakfast Ben kept looking over at the paper and grinning again. After breakfast he was not allowed to help with the cleanup, and both women sent him off with a hug and another smile. As he rode to work, he beamed when he realized that he could finally start putting away money towards resuming his college degree. He floated through that entire day.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Three §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A gloriously warm mid-September afternoon had Ben smiling in anticipation as he pulled up once more beside the familiar battered truck. Qui had asked him to wear his running gear and to bring his empty pack, promising both a longer time together and a surprise. Ben found Qui sitting outside at the picnic table and came up behind him.

"I brought you something," Ben murmured as he handed a box to Qui.

Qui raised an eyebrow. "Another surprise? Let's have a look, then, shall we?" He slowly pulled off the green tissue paper and opened the cardboard box. A folded note on ivory paper was lying on top of a bag of Hershey's Kisses.

"Here are a few Kisses to remind you of my love when we're apart," read Qui. He smiled as Ben leaned down to nuzzle his ear and plant a kiss on his neck. He turned his head and their lips met for a sweet caress.

They indulged themselves for a few moments, but Qui eventually stood up and turned to face Ben.

"That was a lovely thought, but we have work to do first, Sidai, before we play," said Qui with the wave of a finger.

"Yes, Sifu," Ben replied with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm.

Qui looked at him sternly and shook his head, then raised one eyebrow.

"I know, patience and perseverance in all things." Ben wrinkled his nose, but followed obediently to assume their starting positions.

Their session started off as usual, stopping after Ben had run through the entire square form under his teacher's critical eye. Qui moved around to stand next to his student. "Assume the starting position, Sidai. We will do it together this time."

"Yes, Sifu." Ben's heart swelled with warmth as they flowed through the entire sequence side by side. He was still feeling the buzz when they made their final bows.

"That was great," Ben enthused as they stood by the table, sipping water.

"I enjoyed that as well," Qui smiled. "I want you to keep practicing your stances, but you are coming along well. You have a good grasp of the timing and moves, so next week we'll shift to the first part of the standard Yang 24 form and see how you do."

"I will be looking forward to that. Thanks."

"Your work will bring its own rewards. Now, are you ready to get your butt kicked in a run, boyo?"

"You can try, old man," replied Ben with a cheeky grin. "I don't think you'll find it as easy as that first time."

"We'll see," was Qui's only reply. He put towels and water in each of their packs, hoisted his own pack and took off.

The pace quickly picked up and Ben was glad he had put in all the extra time running these last few months. Qui was still clearly well in the lead, though, when they finally came to a halt near Manus.

Panting and sweating, Ben raised his arms and then bowed low. "I yield... you are still the master, o great one."

"And don't you forget it, boyo." Qui slipped behind Ben and held him close as he licked sweat from Ben's neck. "Good enough to eat," he growled as he continued tasting the hot skin.

"Ohhhh.... Yeah." Ben moaned as he pressed back. He gave a disappointed squawk when Qui abruptly stopped. "Hey! It was just getting good."

"We've something else to do here first." Qui grinned slyly before walking over to lay a hand on the broad trunk of the old tree in greeting.

Ben followed. "Hello, Manus," he said with a nod.

Qui gave him an odd look. "Did you really mean that?" He cocked his head.

"I think so," Ben replied, surprising himself as he realized that he had not intended it only as an empty gesture. "I'm still trying to understand this tree thing, but he is your friend so it felt like the polite thing to do."

Reaching up with one hand in what seemed to have become one of his favorite gestures, Qui rubbed his thumb along Ben's cheek. "Perhaps there really is hope for you." He nodded and gave a small wistful smile.

Ben turned his head to kiss the palm so invitingly near. "So what else did you have in mind while we're here?"

"Early fruits of the fall harvest are ready," said Qui with a big grin.

"What fruit are we talking about?"

"Apples!" Qui waved an arm around. "Manus's little flock produces some of the best apples around and he has agreed to let us have several to take home."

Ben stared for a moment, then slowly looked around. It was true; all around them were trees heavy with red, green, gold and multi-hued orbs. He smiled and shook his head. "I guess I hadn't noticed." He turned and nodded to Manus again, this time far more sincerely. "Thank you, Master Manus. I shall look forward to enjoying your gift."

Qui smiled and gave Ben a quick hug before taking off his pack. He led Ben around to different trees, showing him the ripest and best varieties. They took turns picking a few each from various branches, then carefully placed them into their backpacks, using the towels for padding to reduce bruising. When they had a plentiful load, they pulled off their shoes and socks and sat near Manus eating a few which Qui had specially chosen.

"Mmmmm." Ben bit into the crisp yellowish flesh, savoring the sweet crunch as he chewed. "This is wonderful." He enthusiastically worked his way around the core.

"They are even better when you pick them fresh like this, but they'll keep well for quite a while." Qui smiled to see Ben's appreciation.

Ben quickly finished his first apple, then began on a second, taking his time to relish the taste and texture. As he ate, he watched Qui sitting next to him. One hand brought a fruit to his mouth... strong white teeth bit into the flesh... juice dripped down his fingers and his chin as his jaw slowly worked. Ben's nostrils flared as he watched Qui repeat the act. His own treat dropping by his side, Ben gradually leaned forward. He reached with one hand and intercepted the remnants of the apple in Qui's hand, bringing it toward his own mouth. He took a small nibble, swallowed, then licked the length of the palm. He drew one long finger into his mouth, licking and sucking slowly as he looked into Qui's eyes, which were rapidly darkening. He felt his other hand drawn toward the sensuous mouth, a tingling growing in his belly as he felt his own fingers being laved.

Every finger was tenderly and thoroughly cleaned as the two men lost themselves in each other's eyes. They began a slow-motion ballet, fingers now intertwined, tongues seeking the sweat salt and sweet juice on each other's chins and in their mouths. Ben tried to shift Qui backward but yielded to Qui's sideways lean. They kissed again, slow lingering mixtures of flavor. Ben's questing fingers were captured and bussed, held close. He tried once more to move atop his lover but was rolled onto his back instead as Qui nibbled the edge of his chin and sent electric shocks along his backbone with sloppy kisses and a pointed tongue in his ear.

Ben moaned as he laid his head back to give free access to the hot wetness moving steadily down his neck and delving under the collar of his shirt. He tried vainly to reach some part of Qui's face to kiss in turn, but couldn't quite stretch that far. He gasped as a hand snaked under the bottom of his shirt and slid slowly along his belly, leaving a trail of sparks in its wake.

A flush swept the length of Ben's body as he felt his shirt lifted and lips followed the path the hand had earlier traced. He moaned as hot suction descended on his left nipple, sending a shock wave straight to his cock. A hand moved up each side, caressing his skin. Ben reached for Qui but his arms were intercepted and pinned as his shirt was pulled over his head. He whimpered as that supple heat shifted to his right nipple. His cock was half hard and his hips began squirming as the delicious torment to the hardened nubs on his chest continued. Fighting free of the encumbering garment, Ben tossed his shirt aside and made a determined effort to grasp Qui's top. Yet again, he was thwarted as his arms were held down while Qui persisted in his oral assault up and down Ben's belly and back and forth between his nipples.

As incredibly welcome as Qui's attentions were, Ben was increasingly finding new depths of frustration in being a passive recipient instead of the active aggressor as he usually was. Needy heat drove him to twist one hand free; he grabbed for Qui's head and tried to force him up for a hard kiss while his lower body bucked in an attempt for leverage.

The convergence of Ben's efforts was a sudden, disastrous and very hard thunk as his chin intercepted Qui's nose. They fell apart as Qui yelped and reached to stem the trickle of red.

"Damn!" Ben leaned on one elbow, breathing hard. "Jesus, I'm sorry." His other hand was lightly cupped, bouncing on his thigh. "Are you alright?" He shook his head and cursed himself for being three kinds of an idiot.

Qui's face was scrunched as he held the tail of his shirt to his nose for a long moment. He cautiously blew out as he pulled the material away and warily probed at his nose. "I think it's fine, just a little sore." Qui looked at Ben, a confused crinkle in his brow and around his eyes. He reached for Ben's free hand. An involuntary jerk of Ben's hand pulled it out Qui's reach. Ben cursed again and rolled onto his stomach, his face between his hands. "Shit! I'm sorry... Jesus, I'm so sorry," he mumbled repeatedly between his fingers.

"Ben?" Qui sat up. "What's wrong? What have I screwed up this time?"

Ben lifted his head, still panting, but couldn't look at Qui. "It's not you. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry I fucked up." He lay tensely, shoulders hunched.

"No, you didn't." Qui took a deep breath, let it out slowly. "Ben, something's not right here. We need to work this out or it will stay not right between us. This is too important to both of us not to talk about it."

Ben hung his head, closed his eyes tight. He concentrated on taking three controlled breaths. One last deep sigh and he opened his eyes. Ben sat up across from Qui, but still couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"I love you, Ben," Qui said softly, "and I want this to work for us."

Ben licked his lips and finally looked up. "I love you, Qui. I need this to work for both of us."

"I know we're still learning about each other, and we've got a long way to go. But if you're willing, I'd like for us to be able to talk out issues and ask questions. No censorship. No recriminations. No negativity and no guilt trips if the other isn't willing or able to talk about it." Qui held up one hand. "I know that may be asking for a lot this early in our relationship, but I believe it is important to start as we mean to continue." He held out his hand. "Can you do this? Do you want to do this?"

Ben sat very still, tongue between his teeth. He looked back at Qui, then slowly nodded. "I don't know if I can answer your questions, but I'm willing to try." He reached out, took Qui's hand and interlaced their fingers.

"May I speak first?" Qui asked softly.

Ben nodded again.

"There are actually a number of questions I have been thinking about but haven't been willing to bring up. First, though, I want to try to understand what just happened," Qui said hesitantly. "Can we talk about that?"

"I'm listening." Ben didn't yet trust himself to say anything further.

"I know you've been frustrated by how slow things are going, and I appreciate the fact that you have been so supportive while I've been sorting things out."

Ben chewed on the inside of his cheek, shrugged. "I promised that I wouldn't force things. It's important to me that I keep my promises."

Qui nodded but didn't comment on what was left unsaid. "As I mentioned, I've been thinking about a number of things, and moving ahead is something I believe I'm ready for. Today, I thought I was giving you what you've been wanting. It looked to me as if you were enjoying it, and, to be perfectly honest, I liked it. A lot. I want more." He hesitated, squeezed a little as he held Ben's hand. "Judging from your reaction, and your body language, it seems to me that I did something wrong. I don't know what it was... I only know I want to find out what works for both of us."

There was a long silence as Ben tried to find words to help both of them understand. His breath felt loud in his ears and each beat of his heart seemed a leaden thump as he stared down at their joined hands. He sighed before finally speaking.

"I liked what you were doing, too." Ben looked up and smiled. "A lot. You are very good once you get going." He waited to watch Qui's answering flit of a smile. "I think, though... I didn't feel like an equal participant. You were initiating everything... I loved the dance, but I'd like to lead at least some of the time, if that makes sense."

"Yes." Qui nodded. "I can understand that. I was having so much fun I wasn't even thinking." A contrite smile. "I'm sorry. That wasn't very considerate of me."

"It's alright. As you've said before, we've got a lot of learning to do. In any event, I'd still worry that I'd be pushing too far, too fast." Ben looked down. "I'm not sure how to reconcile the issues."

"What if we draw straws for who gets to lead? Or I could race you for it."

Ben gave a snort of laughter and looked up into Qui's grin. "We'll work something out, but running is definitely not an option. I'd probably never get laid if we did that." His laughter died as he saw a shutter drop in Qui's eyes. "Sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

"No, not at all. That is actually a very good lead-in to something else I've been thinking about a lot. I've been doing some research on this also." The silence stretched out as a faint unaccustomed red brushed Qui's cheeks.

"And am I to be enlightened as to the nature of this question?" Ben grinned to lighten the mood.

"It has to do with leading in the dance." Qui cleared his throat. "If we are going to consummate our relationship, we need to discuss the issue of tops and bottoms."

"Oh." Ben blinked. That was not at all on the list of possible topics he had been thinking of. "That is certainly a good question."

"I thought you might find it of interest," said Qui dryly.

"Yes." Ben cleared his throat in turn. "Definitely a good question."

"I take it you do desire a physical consummation?" Qui cocked one eyebrow.

"I think you can take that as a given." Ben couldn't suppress a mischievous leer.

"So... are you a top or a bottom?" Qui leaned forward a little, still holding Ben's hand.

Ben ran his tongue along the back of his lower teeth, lifted an eyebrow. "Top." He tilted his head. "I've only ever been a top."

"I see." Qui paused, a thoughtful expression on his face. "This could get interesting." With his free hand he gently rubbed his nose.

"Should I assume you would be considered the top in your... um... previous relationships?"

"Usually. I may finally have one up on you, though." A rather smug smile graced Qui's face. "I've had a number of lovers, some of them very adventurous women. One of them persuaded me to let her try a strap-on." He wiggled an eyebrow. "Several times."

Ben opened his mouth, then shut it again as he tried to digest the picture that Qui's words created in his suddenly heated imagination. He blew out a long breath. "Did you... like it?" he finally ventured.

"As a novelty, it was certainly interesting." Qui didn't elaborate.

There was another long silence.

"When I was thinking of what it might be like with you, I did envision myself as the top," Qui said quietly. "Is that going to be an insurmountable problem?"

"I don't honestly know since I've never done it that way."

"Ah." Qui thought a moment. "I'd be willing to take turns if that will help." He paused. "Or perhaps there are other things we could do if it's going to be a major issue."

"No." That brought an immediate reaction. "I want you, all of you." Ben had a strained smile. "And those other things, too."

"I did drop that on you damned suddenly," said Qui. "Perhaps we should think about it some more and resume this discussion another time."

"Qui..." Ben swallowed hard, trying to still the swirling in his gut. He looked into the waiting blue eyes. "I love you. I will do whatever is needed for this to work for us."

"And I will not ask you to do something you clearly are not comfortable with."

"I've heard that love is about compromise and sharing." Ben smiled. "I'm not comfortable at the moment, but that may only be because I haven't had a chance to consider it." He kissed Qui's hand. "The idea of taking turns certainly has some stimulating possibilities."

"You are a good man, Ben Kennan. I'm looking forward to exploring some of those possibilities with you."

"We can talk some more after I've had a chance to un-fry some of my brain cells." Ben grinned and spread his free arm. "While we're at it, what other bombshells did you want to drop?"

"It was just personal curiosity." Qui hesitated. "It's probably not really any of my business."

"Now you have me intrigued. Are you lusting after my secret for doing the perfect oil change in under ten minutes?"

Qui laughed. "Hardly. If it's to do with motors it's all black magic anyway as far as I'm concerned." He went quiet. "I was just wondering about the real reason you left home."

Ben stopped breathing for a long moment as he stared at Qui. He sucked in a gasping breath as a cold weight settled in his stomach. "There was a flaming row and the bastard threw me out." A muscle jumped in his clenched jaw as ugly memories seared his brain.

"My apologies. I should not have asked."

"No, if you've figured out that I didn't tell you everything, then you should know what actually happened." Ben shuddered. "It's something I need to learn to move past anyway." He closed his eyes, took several deep breaths, anchoring himself to Qui's hand, unaware of how hard he was squeezing.

Qui waited patiently, letting Ben work through the moment.

"It was a flaming row because my father found out I was a flaming faggot. His words, not mine." Ben opened his eyes, his back rigid but a calm blue-gray gaze surveying his lover. "It was just after final exams and we all had had too much to drink... I was stupid enough to get caught with my cock up a man's ass." He snorted, a humorless gibe, then shrugged dismissively. "He wasn't even a very good fuck." Ben paused. "Anyway, there was a screaming match, the gist of which was that my dear old dad let me know he was ever so unhappy with his worthless piece of trash son... he hit me... disowned me... and told me to get out and never come back. So I did. Maureen was the only one in the family who stuck by me."

Qui slid over and pulled Ben into his arms. "Jaysus, I am so sorry you had to deal with that." He laid them both down and held the young man close. "My poor Ben."

The sun slipped down to the tops of the trees while Qui held Ben, caressing him, bestowing soft kisses, murmuring soft words, until tension finally fled and Ben relaxed with a grateful sigh into the safe haven of his love's arms.

**************** ***************

After work the following day Ben headed out on back roads for a long ride, hoping Myrna's soothing rumble would ease the pain of re-opened wounds. It didn't have the effect he had desired, so for the next two evenings he turned instead to his journal, scribbling furiously, pouring out the memories, hopes, dreams and fears of his early years, trying to understand where things had gone so wrong and become so hurtful. His enlightenment did not get much farther along, but the venting process was cathartic. His initial resentment at Qui for ripping the scabs open slowly turned to acceptance and gratitude that he could now openly discuss what had happened instead of hiding it away. He felt needier than usual, and broke his own rule about not bothering Qui on the phone; he was embarrassed by his hunger when the phone rang emptily and he quietly hung up to slink back to his room.

The next morning was an early start time for him but there were relatively few jobs in the shop and Ben found himself increasingly restless. He finished all of his assignments before lunch, helped rearrange the merchandise out front, inventoried all the tool boxes, cleaned the bay twice and kept asking Frank if he had more work to do. Frank finally got tired of him and kicked him out a half hour early with an exasperated growl. Ben hurried straight home, planning on a long hard run to help settle himself.

The sight of a particular battered pickup truck in front of Jane's house caused Ben's heart to leap into his throat. Qui had never showed up unannounced. Was there something wrong? He parked in the garage and hurried inside.

A pleasant scene of domestic bliss greeted Ben as he stepped into the kitchen. Jane and Qui were sitting at the table, cups of tea and plates of apple pie in front of them. Qui was in his field uniform.

"Afternoon, Ben," said Jane. "Care for some pie?"

Qui spoke up as Ben hesitated. "This is excellent. Best I've had in a long time."

"Yes, ma'am, a small piece if you don't mind," said Ben to Jane. He turned to Qui. "I gave most of Manus's apples to Jane. I hope that was alright."

"It's a bounty that is meant to be shared." Qui grinned, a twinkle in his eyes. "Especially so when it is transformed into such a magnificent pastry by such a lovely baker."

"Go on with you," Jane fussed, but there was a smile on her face as she brought Ben's pie to the table.

Ben got a glass of milk and sat down next to Qui.

"Hey, it's good to see you. Is there some special occasion?" Ben took a bite of pie.

"Not really." Qui shifted in his chair so his knee touched Ben's under the table. "There was nothing urgent going on today so I took a few hours of leave."

"This is very good, ma'am," Ben said to Jane.

"Thank you. Qui and I were just chatting about the different varieties of apples that are best for eating versus baking."

"Can you stay a while and talk?" Ben pushed back with his knee against Qui's as he took another forkful.

"That's why I came by." Qui finished his last bite of pie before continuing. "We still have a lot of getting acquainted to do."

"If you've the time, you must stay for supper," said Jane. "It's only meatloaf tonight, but there's plenty to go around and we can get some fresh pickings from the garden for a nice salad."

"I've got to leave by seven, and I don't want to be putting you to any trouble."

"It's no trouble at all. It's still early, and we can eat around five-thirty, which will give you plenty of time." Jane stood up and put a hand on Qui's shoulder. "We don't get that many visitors, so I insist."

"In that case, I guess I could stay if you'll let me help with the cleanup. It's very kind of you to offer."

"That's settled then." Jane put her other hand on Ben's shoulder. "Rafa will be home soon, and she'll help me get things ready if you boys want to stretch your legs a bit. You can take the girls for a walk to keep you company." She gave a small laugh. "Lord knows the lazy things could use the exercise."

Dexy stuck her head in the door from the laundry room and gave an inquisitive whoof.

Qui laughed and stood up. "We wouldn't want to disappoint them." He looked at Ben. "Out the back way?"

"Sure. There are some nice trees once we get past the barn, so you'll feel right at home." Ben grinned.

They went through the rear door and back yard, then started down the dirt road with Dexy and Delilah happily gamboling along. Qui picked up a stick and threw it for the dogs, letting them chase after it and tussle for the right to bring it proudly back.

"Looks like they're having fun," Ben said. He walked slowly beside Qui, hands stuffed in his pockets, not quite sure of what to say.

"I'm not ignoring you." Qui glanced at Ben. "It's better to let them run off energy now so they'll be less likely to stray later."

"I hadn't thought of that." Ben fell silent as they walked along for almost fifteen minutes. They were well out of sight of the house and barn before Qui stopped and petted the dogs as they flopped down in the grass.

"I stopped by because I was worried about you," Qui said quietly. He straightened and turned to Ben. "I felt like I stirred up some things about your father that you weren't ready to tackle yet."

"It was bound to come up sooner or later." Ben shrugged, trying to convince himself yet again that he had been handling it better than he really had. "Perhaps it was time for me to start getting more serious about dealing with it, and not let it stay a secret between us."

"I shouldn't have just dumped that question on you like that, though, especially when we had just finished such a heavy discussion about us." Qui's brow was furrowed above dark eyes. "You were obviously hurting after I did that, and I'm sorry I went too far."

"You're doing a great job as the voice of my conscience," said Ben lightly. "I haven't been making much progress with the issue and needed the stick sharpened anyway..." The tentative smile on his lips died away as he stared down and bit his lower lip. It had hurt back when it happened; it still hurt and he wasn't sure if it would ever stop hurting, but denying it wasn't going to make it go away. "Fuck, that was a load of bullshit." He swallowed and made a small noise in his throat. In a very low voice, almost a whisper, he asked, "Hold me?"

Qui immediately stepped forward and pulled Ben in, tucking Ben's head under his chin and holding him close. Ben wrapped his arms around Qui's middle, pressing his ear against Qui's chest. For several minutes they stood silently in a tight embrace as Ben let the steady heartbeat and warmth soothe him.

"What can I do to help?" Qui murmured as he kissed the top of Ben's head.

"Exactly what you're doing now." Ben squeezed a little harder.

Another silence lingered as Qui very slowly rubbed Ben's back.

"It's been difficult to dig into just how much pain there really was." Ben sighed and moved his head slightly away from Qui's breast. "It was hard enough dealing with trying to sort out who I was as I got older... what it meant to be gay." He looked up. "At the same time I was trying to come to terms with what sort of relationship I had with my father."

"Both of those are tough situations, not easy for anyone to handle."

"I think things would have just dragged along for years if I hadn't got caught." Ben shuddered. "That had to have been the worst night of my life."

"Would you be too upset if I told you that was probably the luckiest day of mine?"

"What?" Ben stepped back far enough to put a hand on each of Qui's shoulders, his arms straight. "How can you say that?"

"If you hadn't been forced to leave home, I would never have met you." Qui rubbed his thumb along Ben's cheek. "And my life would be immensely poorer for that loss."

"That's..." Ben's throat tightened and he couldn't speak for a moment. Finally he took Qui's hand and kissed the palm. "That's downright romantic."

A lopsided half smile preceded the slow lean as Qui slid one hand behind Ben's head and gently pressed his lips to Ben's mouth. He held the kiss for a long moment, then rested his forehead against Ben's.

"I want to be there for you when you need help," Qui murmured.

Ben smiled and started to reach for Qui for another kiss. He was almost knocked off his feet, however, by a hard head shoving against his leg.

"Dammit, what is your problem, dog?" Ben rubbed his knee.

"I suspect it's probably time for her to eat." Qui glanced at his watch. "We need to head back if we don't want to be late for supper."

They walked back hand-in-hand, talking about the work Ben was doing in his journal and some of his early feelings about his family, how much he had looked up to his father and tried to earn his respect and affection. Ben was feeling better for having had the opportunity to start talking things out and was a little more at peace with himself by the time they returned to the house.

During the meal, Ben was content to let the other three carry most of the conversation. He was struck yet again by the ranger's easy charm. Ben remembered that Jane had expressed her admiration when they had visited Liz and Linda, but Qui was clearly a hit with both women, whether it was his compliments on Jane's cooking or his sincere interest in Rafa's questions about the wildlife conservation programs in the Keo. Afterward Qui insisted on washing the dishes; Ben dried as they chatted about Tai Chi and their schedules for the next few weeks.

When Qui had to leave for a promised visit to the Wildlife Conservation Center, Jane pressed a bag of leftover meatloaf and apple pie on him. He bussed her on the cheek and jokingly threatened to stop by more often at mealtimes if they were all as good as this one. Ben walked out to the truck with Qui, resting his elbows on the open window as Qui fastened his seat belt. "Thanks for coming. I appreciated it tremendously."

"It was my pleasure." Qui put a hand on Ben's shoulder, gave a quick squeeze. "I want you to remember that you don't have to try to solve your problems alone."

"I will." Ben glanced at the house, deciding not to risk a kiss since he couldn't tell if Rafa was watching or not. "See you Monday morning, right?"

"Monday morning, nine o'clock. Since it's your day off and I don't have to go in until the afternoon, would you like to take a run and get some more apples?"

"That would be great. See you then."

Ben stepped back and waved as the truck started down the driveway. He stood watching until it was completely out of sight, then finally went back in the house with a smile on his face.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Four §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Hey, good morning," Ben said as he leaned down to kiss Qui's upturned face. "And a beautiful morning it is."

"You're certainly in a sunny mood today," said Qui. He set down his mug of tea, then stood up from the picnic table and stretched.

"Any morning when I get to see you is a good morning, even without the sun." Ben grinned as he waved a hand toward the gray clouds overhead. "Although I'll admit it was chillier than I thought it would be when I was doing my garden chores earlier."

"We're getting toward the end of September, and the season will be moving along soon." Qui pointed toward the trees. "The early color change in the leaves has already started, and there's been snow up in the mountains."

"Before we start, this is for you." Ben smiled shyly as he held out his hand.

Qui picked up the small envelope wrapped in a green ribbon. A fancy red heart had been drawn in one corner. He looked at Ben, then with an anticipatory half-smile he carefully pulled off the ribbon and opened the envelope. Inside was a folder of matches with a note tucked under the cover.

"I'm hot for you" read the big bold script. Qui laughed and wrapped Ben in a hug, then kissed him. "That was a good one, boyo," he said as he rubbed his thumb along Ben's cheek before kissing him again.

"A nice way to start the day. Thank you," said Qui said as he stepped back. "Now let's be getting to work." He began walking out into the open grassy area.

Ben trailed along, a smile on his face, until Qui stopped and turned around.

"Ready to begin, Sidai?"

"Yes, Sifu." Ben bowed, wiping the grin off his face.

Qui bowed in turn, and the session began.

Stretches were followed by stances. Qui called out first individual ones, then sequences, watching carefully and offering an occasional comment.

"Good. We'll do the Yang 24 form next. Please assume the starting position." Qui moved next to Ben, let himself relax into the proper posture, then quietly called out the signal to begin.

Ben settled into the smooth, easy movement as they went through the routine side by side. He would occasionally sneak a glance at his companion, enjoying the peaceful camaraderie of the shared exercise. He felt warm and loose, the central focus still not totally under control at all times, but he was satisfied that his practice was paying off with definite improvement. Ben listened closely for the corrective words that Qui offered as they progressed. Eventually, two pairs of hands crossed slowly in front of two faces. Two pairs of arms flowed downward in the final movement. Two bodies relaxed, breathing soft and centered, letting energy coalesce, holding the pose for several beats of their hearts.

"Well done, Sidai," Qui said softly.

"Thank you, Sifu." Ben turned to face his teacher. "What are your instructions?"

"Since we are going for a run, that will be all for today."

The two men bowed to close the session, then walked back to the table for a break before they headed out.

"You are coming along nicely, Ben. You need to put in some more work on your transitions, but the key for the next several months will be repetition." Qui took a sip of water. "Don't forget to include the basics, such as breathing and centering."

"I'll keep working on it. The square form did help with the timing, so I want to keep that in my practices also."

"Good idea." Qui nodded.

A car horn beeped from the other side of the house.

Both men stood and went toward the sound. As they rounded the corner, they saw a postman on the porch, knocking on the front door.

"Morning, Denny. Can I help you?" called Qui.

"Quilan, glad you're home. That will save you a trip down to the post office." The postman pulled a letter from his bag. "I've got something for you that requires a signature." He held out the envelope and a pen.

Qui signed the form attached to the envelope, then handed form and pen back. "Thanks."

"Thank you, Quilan. Have a nice day." The postman went back to his truck and began backing down the driveway.

Ben and Qui returned to the table and sat down. Qui inclined his head as he turned the envelope over in his hands, scrutinizing the return address.

"It's probably important if you had to sign for it," said Ben. "The run can wait if you want to go ahead and open it. I don't mind."

Qui nodded his appreciation and carefully slid a finger under the sealed flap. He pulled out a single heavy sheet, squinting a bit as he held it up, and began reading.

Ben took a drink of water as he watched, wondering for a moment why the squint until he remembered that Qui didn't have his glasses out. He enjoyed seeing the concentration that the man brought to any task, wishing he could be the focus of that intense scrutiny. He turned away to give Qui more privacy.

"Jaysus!"

When Ben turned back, Qui's face had gone white, his mouth partially open, as he clutched the paper tight.

"What's wrong?" Ben asked as he stood upright. He walked around the table and stood next to Qui when his question was ignored. "Qui?" He lightly touched Qui's shoulder.

"Bloody fucking hell," Qui whispered with hitching breath. He thrust the paper toward Ben and sat staring out at the forest, shaking his head.

Carefully prying the stiff fingers from the sheet, Ben looked at the crisply embossed legal letterhead on the ivory linen. He stepped back and began reading.

Dear Mr. Finn, I have greatly appreciated the long relationship we have had and your excellent stewardship of the property you have rented from us. I realize that we had both anticipated that this relationship would continue for many more years. It is therefore with great regret that I must inform you that my wife was recently diagnosed with a major illness which will be terminal in a few years; she wishes to return home to Wyoming to spend her remaining time and I will do all in my power to fulfill her needs. Due to this adverse situation, I must therefore invoke the early termination clause of your lease and request that you vacate the property not later than 31 October so construction can begin on a new house. I will, of course, forfeit the two months of payments for September and October and will return the security deposit in accordance with the terms of the lease contract. If you have further questions, please contact the property manager...

"Damn." Ben blew out a sharp breath, all of his earlier good feelings vanished. "That's certainly a kick in the balls."

Qui abruptly stood and walked swiftly to the edge of the clearing, leaning back against the nearest tree, eyes closed.

"Are you alright?" Ben asked anxiously. "You don't look so good."

"Over fifteen years I've lived here, made this place a home. I thought I'd be here at least twelve more before I had to think about leaving." Qui's voice was low and rough, his face still pale.

"I'm sorry, Qui. I know this is awfully sudden..." Ben's words faltered.

"The circumstances are unfortunate." Qui opened his eyes finally. "I met her several years ago. She is a very nice woman. She talked about how much she looked forward to coming home some day after her husband retired, but I doubt if this is what she had in mind." His blue eyes were dark.

"No, I suppose not." Ben struggled to find words in the face of Qui's impassive tone.

There was an awkward silence.

Slowly Qui let his gaze travel around the clearing and past the small house. "I suppose I should start thinking about where to go," he said quietly, but didn't move.

Ben shifted his weight from foot to foot, trying to come up with something to help. A sudden inspiration flashed in his head and he smiled brilliantly.

"I've got the perfect idea!" He looked eagerly at Qui. "You can move in with me!"

"What?" Qui turned his head, looked at Ben blankly.

"You can move in with me!" Ben repeated. "There's a private bathroom and Jane would probably let us have the whole basement, so there'd be plenty of room, and we could, well, we could live together."

"I don't think -"

Ben pressed on, cutting off the flow of 'thanks, but no thanks' he knew would be coming. "We could share the rent, which would be good for both of us, and you'd still be close enough to visit Manus and the WCC."

"Ben, I'm not sure I'm ready to live together with - "

"If you don't want to sleep together yet, then you could have the bedroom, and I could sleep out in the other part of the basement," Ben rushed on, "and you already know what a great cook Jane is."

Qui shook his head, "I don't want to -"

"If that's too much for now, you can have the basement." Ben was getting desperate as he saw his brilliant scheme dissolving in Qui's stubborn independence. "I could easily fix up something upstairs or out in the barn, it would be no trouble at all and it would be so great having you there, don't you see. I could -"

"Would you let me get a fucking sentence in edgewise, dammit?" Qui growled as he grabbed Ben's arms. "I don't want to take your bloody home away from you, and I'm not somebody that's easy to live with."

Ben was shocked into silence by the forceful grip and angry words. He felt the heat racing up the back of his neck and his pulse hammered as he dropped his eyes. "I didn't..." He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. I was pushing too fast again." He sucked in a rough breath and looked up briefly. "I would happily give you anything I have. You mean that much to me. Anything at all."

"And that kind of self-sacrificing shit is no basis for a proper relationship." Qui dropped his hands and stepped back a pace. Two spots of red flushed his cheeks and his nostrils flared. "You need to have a life of your own with your own self-respect and strength."

"I want you to be part of my life because you are the most important thing in my whole life," Ben said, forcing the words out through a tight throat. "If I have it or can get it, it's yours."

"What kind of a bloody arsehole do you take me for?" Qui's words were sharp, his jaw muscle jumping. "If I wanted that sort of blind stupidity, I'd have told you to give me that fucking motorcycle so I could stop worrying about all those crazy truck drivers out there running you off the road."

Ben stared up, barely breathing. He didn't drop the stare as he wordlessly dug into a pocket. He pulled out his keys and forced them into Qui's hand. "I'll leave the helmet with her." He barely registered the stunned expression as Qui's mouth dropped and his face paled again. "I'm sorry for trying to rush you into something you obviously don't want. And I'm sorry you think it's stupid for being willing to do almost anything for someone you love. I thought that caring enough to put someone else's needs and feelings ahead of your own was part of what you were trying to teach me." He turned away while he could still make his legs move. "I won't bother you any more if you don't want me to." Ben walked blindly away, stiff-legged, hands clenched into hard fists, fighting desperately to hold back the hot tears stinging the back of his eyes.

Halfway across the clearing, Ben heard footsteps rushing up behind him.

"Ben?"

He kept walking until a hand on his shoulder pulled him to a stop. Ben shrugged off the hand and took a few more steps, pain ripping his heart.

"Please don't go."

The words halted Ben as no physical force possibly could. He felt his heart beat four times as he slowly turned around, eyes screwed shut and his head bowed to hide the betraying drop of water that trickled down his cheek. He felt a gentle finger under his chin and yielded to the upward pressure. Soft lips kissed the tear away, then delicately brushed each eyelid.

"Will you let a foolish idiot apologize?" whispered into Ben's ear.

"Qui..." Ben barely choked out the name before diving into the sanctuary of the strong arms that gathered him in.

Time stopped as the two men held each other close. Slowly, ragged breathing and racing hearts calmed in the warmth of their embrace.

"Ben?"

"Hmmph?" Ben mumbled into Qui's shirt.

"Can we talk?"

Fear held Ben's tongue immobile for a moment. He didn't fully comprehend what had just happened and wasn't entirely certain he wanted to explore it, but knew they needed to have this out if they were to stay together. He took a deep breath and stepped back, holding only Qui's hand in his. Ben nodded.

"You want to sit down?"

"No." Ben smiled wanly. "I want to apologize for what I did. I could see that you had been hit badly and thrown off balance, but I jumped in with both feet, trying to rush you into what I wanted without thinking about what you might really want or need. I ignored my promise not to push too hard, and that was wrong."

"And I'm sorry for getting angry. I don't react well to being pushed, and I pushed back in an ugly way." Qui's tongue worked against the inside of his cheek. "You actually had a good idea, but I wasn't listening."

"You..." Ben licked his lower lip, "you'd really consider it?"

"If you're sure that's what you truly want." Qui held up a hand. "I know we intended to get around to having sex eventually, but that's not at all the same thing as living with somebody every day. I meant it when I said I'm not an easy person to live with. You know about my hours, my other interests, and, quite frankly, I've gotten pretty set in some of my ways after mostly living alone for so many years. It might not be an easy adjustment for either of us."

"I understand. We'd both have to make changes. I want to try, though, and if it means sleeping in separate rooms until you're ready for something different, then I will do that." Ben squeezed a little harder on the hand in his as he took a careful breath. "I did not consider the offer to be a sacrifice, you know. Quite the opposite, in fact."

"Right, umm..." Qui bowed his head and sighed. "I suppose I'd better be explaining, especially since I've poked you pretty brutally about some of your past life. I owe you that." He looked up. "First, let me say that what you offered was not stupid and that's not how I think of you. The more I have come to know you, the more I have come to respect you and care for you." He fell silent.

Ben waited, rolling his lower lip between his teeth, not sure where this was going.

"This is yours." Qui handed back Myrna's keys. "I shouldn't have said such a thing. It was incredibly brainless and insensitive, and you should have told me to stick it up my arse."

"Do you really worry that much about me riding a motorcycle?" Ben rolled the keys in his free hand before stuffing them back in his pocket.

"Yes. I've had to help pick up the pieces after road accidents, and the motorcycle always loses that battle." He shook his head, his eyes bleak. "It's not pretty. Makes us even, I suppose, for you worrying about me carrying a gun and chasing bad guys through the forest."

"If you really want..." Ben said reluctantly.

"No!" Qui took both of Ben's hands in his. "Don't even think about it." He paused a moment, eyes closed, and took a deep breath to calm himself. He opened his eyes again. "Ben, if this is going to work for us, we must understand and respect each other's needs and desires. Making adjustments and compromises is one thing, but I always want you to be Ben Kennan, not some shadow of Quilan Finn."

"I'm not sure I understand. I love you and I want you to be happy. Making you happy is what makes me happy."

"I love you, too, Ben, but I don't want your love to make you give up what makes you a special person. Love can become a devouring beast that sucks you dry if you let it." A bitter smile of regret passed over Qui's face. "You pushed one of my buttons very hard and you need to understand why." He pulled Ben in close. "Growing up in Ireland, it was just my parents and me. They worked hard, and we always had food on the table even if there wasn't ever much in the way of luxuries. My folks were good people, and loved each other very much. Da taught me how to work with my hands, and Ma taught me about caring for the world and the creatures in it."

There was a long silence. Ben rested against Qui's chest and waited.

"Da loved my mother so much that he would do anything for her. She was the center of his world, and he would have cut off his right hand if she had asked." Qui's words were distant and detached. "When I was sixteen, we found out she had cancer. It was too far along for a cure and it took her six months to die, wasting away, and each day a little more of Da died with her. After the funeral, he couldn't put himself back together. Started drinking to ease the pain, and was coming home hammered more and more often. He got quieter, more withdrawn as time went on... I was feeling helpless because it seemed 'twas nothing I could do to get through to him." Qui's arms tightened around Ben. "A month before my eighteenth birthday, he was coming out of a pub and got himself run over by a lorry. His mates said he deliberately stepped out into the road." A heavy sigh. "That was mostly why I was after leaving Ireland as soon as I turned eighteen. I had the U.S. citizenship through Ma and having been born here, so I took a set of Da's tools, sold everything else and went to live with a cousin here in the States." Qui leaned back and looked down at Ben. "My Da was so lost in his love, there was nothing left of himself at all. Ever since I've always had trouble totally committing to someone, and when I'm hearing words like sacrifice and giving up everything for someone, it gets to setting off horrible clanging bells in my head. 'Tis an issue I've never fully resolved, and probably the biggest reason none of my previous relationships ever became permanent."

"I'm sorry." Ben raised a hand to Qui's shoulder. "What do you want me to do?"

"How about if we just keep working on helping each other deal with our various issues, and agree to kick the other's arse if one of us gets to being too stupid about something?" Qui arched an eyebrow.

"I could live with that." Ben gave a snort of laughter.

"You sure you want to be living with a gun-toting, semi-neurotic tree-hugging do-gooder who's never around half the time, boyo?" Qui's smile was wide and mischievous.

"If you can stand living with a money-obsessed, sex-starved motorcycle mechanic who lusts after your body and has a fetish for wanting you to read to him every night, then I guess I'm your man." Ben's smile was even wider and more mischievous.

Qui laughed and hugged Ben.

"I think it's time we were paying a visit to Mrs. Jane Brandon."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Five §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


They decided to charge ahead before either or both of them lost their nerve. Qui followed Ben back to Jane's house. Ben breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled open the garage door and saw her truck safely ensconced inside. He noticed that Rafa's Subaru was in the carport, then remembered that on Mondays she had only two early morning classes. The two men met in the garage for a fortifying hug before sauntering casually into the kitchen.

"Good morning, ma'am," said Ben.

Jane turned from the counter where she was cutting up vegetables. She dumped them into a large bowl of cold water, then grabbed a towel to wipe her hands.

"Good morning to you, Ben." She smiled. "And it's good to see you again, Mr. Finn. Sit down and let me get you boys some tea."

"Qui, please. Thank you, ma'am."

Qui sat at the table while Ben set out cups and spoons for all three of them. They exchanged glances while Jane poured.

"Is this a new blend?" Qui asked after a sip. "It's got a very good flavor."

"Decided to try some of that red tea I've been hearing about. It's supposed to have antioxidants and such." Jane set her cup down and folded her hands. "So, what brings you boys here together this morning?"

Ben cleared his throat. "Um, I -"

"We," Qui interjected firmly.

"Right, WE want to talk to you about a situation." Ben rubbed his chin.

"I'm listening, son."

"You see, this morning I got a certified letter from the man who owns the place I've been renting," said Qui. "His wife is sick and they want to come back and live there, so my lease is being terminated as of the end of October."

"My goodness, that's terrible. For both of you. That poor woman." Jane reached over to touch Qui's hand. "You've lived there quite a long time, haven't you?"

"Over fifteen years. It's going to seem very strange to move somewhere else."

"Moving can be downright stressful." Jane nodded thoughtfully. "Any thoughts yet on where you might be looking to head to?"

There was a short silence as Ben and Qui glanced at each other.

"If it's alright with you, ma'am, I've asked Qui to move in with me," said Ben. He rubbed his hands on his jeans under the table. "We were hoping we could work out a deal for the whole basement so he could bring his own stuff over."

"Living together..." Jane looked slowly back and forth between the two men. "That's a pretty serious step. Had a lot of married years under my belt, so to speak; they were good years but not always easy years living with another person."

"Yes, ma'am," Ben replied. "We know it will need a lot of give and take, but we intend to work hard at it."

"There's only one bedroom," Jane observed.

Qui took Ben's hand and held it on top of the table. "One will do fine."

Ben smiled shyly as he squeezed Qui's hand.

"Then that's fine with me, and I'm happy for both of you. We can put a door in at the base of the stairs, too, to give you some more privacy."

"Before we go any further, I do have to tell you that my weapon comes home with me," said Qui. "I have a gun safe for it, but I don't know if that will bother you."

"Oh Lordy, no." Jane laughed. "Menfolk in my family have been hunters as long as there have been Brandons in these parts. My Roger was with the sheriff's department, and we always had guns in the house until he passed away. Used to go shooting at the range with him, and could take the things apart blindfolded."

"Sounds like the two of you will have to give me some pointers about gun safety," said Ben with a smile.

"There is another very important question that's got to be taken care of before we can finalize this living together business," said Jane.

"What's that, ma'am?" Ben asked.

"This is also Rafa's home. I don't think of either of you as just boarders; we're all like a family here." Jane looked pointedly at Ben, then Qui. "If you're wanting to be living and sleeping together, it's only fair that she understands what is going on and is comfortable with it. You talk to her, and if she agrees we'll figure out the details."

Ben nodded and looked at Qui. "She's right. That would be the only fair thing to do. This is Rafa's home just as much as it's mine."

"Alright. Is she here now?" asked Qui. "I'd like to know one way or the other what we're going to be able to do."

"I saw her head for the barn after she got back from school a half hour ago," said Jane. She smiled as they stood up. "Good luck."

Rafa was in the corral, standing in the middle with Celesta on a lunge line. Ben and Qui sat on the fence and watched as Rafa put the mare through three different gaits in different directions, then took the line off and repeated the drill, talking to her constantly with praise, corrections or directions.

"She's even worse than you when we're in session," Ben joked.

"Worse than who?"

Ben looked up to see Rafa at eye level next to him as she sat bareback atop Cel and was caught speechless.

"Pay no attention to him," said Qui dryly. "He's trying to intimate that I make him work too hard when I'm attempting to pound a few rudiments of Tai Chi into his thick skull."

"You know Tai Chi, Mr. Finn?" Rafa's eyes lit up. "I've been taking a class at university for my PE requirement, but I feel like such a klutz trying to do those turns. Can you recommend some references that might help?"

"I think I could do that, or perhaps even look at what you're trying to do if I'm here while Ben is practicing." Ben started to interrupt, but Qui stuck an elbow in his ribs. "You have a very nice rapport with your horse. Perhaps you could even teach her a few of the movements."

"Thank you." Rafa ducked her head as she leaned to pat the mare's neck. "Cel is tremendously smart, and so wonderful to work with." The horse shook her head as if agreeing.

Qui smiled as he rubbed Cel's nose. "She knows it, too." He reached up to scratch behind her ears.

Ben cleared his throat. "Actually, Rafa, we need to speak to you if you have a few minutes."

"Of course." Rafa straightened but did not dismount. "What did you want to talk about?"

"It's a personal and sensitive issue," said Qui carefully. "We would really appreciate it if you don't mention this to anyone else except Jane."

"Is this something Jane already knows about?"

"Yes, we talked to her first, and she wanted us to discuss it with you."

"Well." Rafa looked puzzled, then nodded. "Alright."

Ben took a deep breath, looked at Qui, then back at Rafa. "Qui and I have become very good friends the last few months. He's been helping me with some personal issues and teaching me Tai Chi."

"Today I got a letter letting me know my lease is being terminated and I'll have to move," added Qui. "Ben has offered to let me move in and share the basement if Jane approves. We talked to Jane, and she wants to make sure you don't have a problem with that arrangement."

"I'm sorry to hear about your lease," said Rafa. "I like Ben, and you've been very nice to me. Why should I mind?"

"We would be living together in the basement. As in, um... sleeping together." Ben swallowed and took another deep breath. "I'm gay, Rafa. Qui and I love each other, and we want to be together."

"Sleeping together as in having... sex?" Rafa asked very slowly.

They nodded.

Rafa stared at Qui. "I saw you when everybody came to build the corral. Not to be disrespectful, but the women... I mean... you don't..."

"I can assure you it was a big surprise to me when I finally realized how I felt about Ben," said Qui with a wry smile. "I've liked women all my life, and I'm quite the latecomer to this new game."

"Oh." Rafa crossed her arms across her chest and looked down at Cel as she tilted her head, brow furrowed.

Ben waited anxiously as he watched Rafa struggling with this unexpected concept. He reached out and met Qui's hand reaching for his. They smiled at each other, then turned their heads back toward Rafa.

"I think that if I was still in the Catholic church, I would have been very uncomfortable with the idea," Rafa said as she looked at their joined hands. She paused, rubbing one hand along Cel's withers. "I have been through a lot since then... Reverend Jenkins says that everyone has good inside them, and I have seen how different people can work together to help each other." She looked toward the house, then back at the two men. She nodded to herself. "I know Jane is very tolerant, and it is her house, so if she doesn't mind, then I guess I don't mind either."

"Are you sure?" Ben asked. "We'll try to be discreet, but it is kind of right in your face, like when you have to look at us at the same table for meals. If we do anything that bothers you, I want you to know that you are free to tell us off."

"As long as you aren't doing it on the kitchen table or in the barn and scaring Cel, then I think I can get used to it." Rafa smiled shyly.

Ben laughed at the unexpected comeback. "Thank you, Rafa. This really means a lot to us, and we'll try to be good housemates."

"My thanks also," Qui added. "Could you do one more favor for us, and come let Jane know?"

"Of course." Rafa slid down from Cel as Ben and Qui jumped to the ground. "I'm sure she'll want to see all of us anyway to sort out the house rules if we're all going to be one big happy family."

Ben and Qui both hugged Rafa, who looked a bit overwhelmed. They walked back to the house to start planning their new future together.

**************** ***************

"I have to say that our Mrs. Brandon is a remarkably generous woman," said Qui as he stood at the foot of the stairs, one arm around Ben's shoulders, while they surveyed the large basement and its jumble of boxes, bags and cloth-covered lumps. "She's letting us have all this space plus part of the loft in the barn for a woodworking shop."

"She is a very good-hearted woman," Ben replied as he wrapped an arm around Qui's waist. "Also very practical, though, and a great believer in the win-win scenario. She wasn't really using the space for anything but storage, so we gain by having a place for us to live at a lower individual cost than what either of us was paying, with nice perks like the kitchen and laundry, and she gains by having another helping hand around the house plus more income. It was nice of her to reduce the rent in return for chores; a regular landlord probably wouldn't be willing to do that." He turned his head up to look at Qui. "Although I still think you should have let me pay a little bigger share."

"We went through that already. I'm taking up at least two-thirds of the total space and I make significantly more money than you, so I will pay two-thirds of the rent. We can revisit it next year if you like. And we wouldn't need the new door or the fireplace cleaned if I wasn't moving in, so it's only right that I pay for those things."

"Alright, I suppose I can deal with that, since it means I can start saving a little more for college." Ben leaned in closer. "That was a good idea you had about putting money in every month for groceries and letting Jane take care of shopping and cooking. It didn't always quite work out when everybody sort of did their own ad hoc thing, and we can still buy other food or go out if we want something different."

"I am a most indifferent and irregular cook, and this is a wonderful opportunity." Qui kissed the top of Ben's head. "Jane's cooking was really the only reason why I wanted to live here, of course."

"Hey," Ben squawked, "I thought I was supposed to be the main attraction."

Qui turned Ben around and pushed him against the wall, then kissed him hard until he had Ben gasping for breath.

"I suppose I could manage to put up with you for dessert." A wicked smile graced Qui's lips as he braced himself against the wall with both outstretched arms.

"You sorry bastard." Ben sucked in more air to calm his racing pulse. He reached for another kiss but his effort was frustrated when Qui stepped back.

"Tsk, tsk, that's 'you sorry bastard, SIR'." Qui shook his head. "Sister Ursula would be ashamed of your manners, boy."

"And people call ME a smartass," Ben muttered darkly.

"It's not only smart but also a very hot arse, and I'm looking forward to getting better acquainted with it," Qui said with a deadpan expression.

"You -" It took a moment for the words to register as Ben looked at Qui, then he dissolved in laughter, leaning back for support. When he caught his breath, he shook his head helplessly. "I can see there is a lot I still need to learn about you."

"And vice versa, I'm sure." Qui's eyes darkened and his lips thinned. "There are parts of me that I only allow those closest to me to know about, and I do have a lot of faults that you haven't really seen yet, Ben. If you have any doubts at all, there's still time to change things."

"Life is full of doubts. There are two things of which I am truly certain, however." Ben took Qui's hand, brought it to his mouth, and softly kissed the palm. "One, I love you." He kissed the palm again. "Two, that if I don't do this now, I will regret it for the rest of my life."

Qui caressed Ben's cheek with his thumb as he looked into his eyes. "I love you, too, Ben Kennan." He bestowed a light kiss and regretfully pulled back. He continued briskly. "Right now we've got work to be doing, though, to sort out everything that's here so Jane can decide what she wants to save or recycle and what we might want to be keeping. I've got several hours until I need to leave, so we should be able to get a good first look at what we have to deal with."

"Yes, sir." Ben gave a mock salute. "I already know I want to hang on to the weight set. It's very handy for workouts." He looked around the generous space. "How much do you actually have that you will be bringing over?"

"There are my tools and projects in the back room, but that will all go into the barn. Everything you saw in the living room is mine, so that will come." Qui thought for a moment, eyes narrowed. "There is a wardrobe I built, which will give us some extra closet space, the small table and four chairs in the kitchen... other than that it's mostly clothes, linens, a few dishes, my outdoor gear and things like that. The appliances and the rest of the furniture stay with the house, although I was thinking it might be nice to have a small refrigerator down here for cold drinks and snacks."

"Sounds like everything should fit pretty easily, with plenty of room left over if we find something here we want to keep." Ben was looking around and starting to pull dust cloths off.

"Ben?"

"Hmm?"

"How big is your bed?"

Ben straightened and turned, a glint in his eyes. "I wasn't aware we were already at that point."

"I'm taller than you, in case you hadn't noticed," Qui said with an exasperated snort. "If we're going to need a bigger bed, we should plan for that now."

"Let me show you around, and you can judge for yourself. Over there in the far wall next to the weight machine," Ben pointed, "is our private door to the outside. This, of course, is the main living area," said Ben with a bow and flourish. "That door on your right as you come down from the stairs is the furnace and hot water heater, and this door on the other side of the stairs, my good man, is our bathroom." Ben opened a wooden door.

Qui stepped inside and stopped short. "Jaysus, did they swim in that damned thing?"

"You have to remember that the whole basement was used by Jane's son up until the time he joined the Marines and left home. He and his father built the bedroom and bathroom. Jane doesn't talk about him much, but from the pictures I gather that he wasn't quite as tall as you but was heftier, like a football linebacker. Hence the weightlifting outfit. And the big bathtub." Ben waggled an eyebrow. "It does present certain interesting possibilities, don't you think?"

"Hedonist," Qui mocked, looking around. "Oh well, plenty of room to sort out toothbrushes and towels."

They moved to the next door.

"Here is the 'piece de resistance'," Ben announced with a smile. He watched as Qui took two paces in and paused, staring at the bed.

"I think it's actually bigger than the one I have now," Qui said, still rooted to the spot.

"Very solid, too. The young man apparently brought his boy and girl friends down here for playtime."

Qui blinked, turned his head. "Come again?"

"As best as I can determine, Richard Brandon was discreetly bisexual." Ben shrugged. "Probably helps explain why Jane doesn't have issues with gay people."

"I see." Qui nodded as he looked around the rest of the room. "Everything looks like good heavy-duty wood. It will be nice having a desk in here and another out in the main room so we can both do work, especially after you start school again."

"Good point." Ben sat down sideways in the desk chair. "I don't have much stuff, so it'll be easy to clear out half the drawers and closet for you, and we can figure out where to put the wardrobe."

Qui stepped to the end of the bed and was staring at it again.

"You can try it if you want," said Ben quietly. He watched intently as a range of emotions played over Qui's face. "If you don't like the mattress, we can look for a different one."

"That's the bed we're going to share..."

Ben stood and walked over to Qui. He reached up to hold Qui's face between his hands. "This time it's my turn to ask you not to do something if you're not completely comfortable with it. I can wait."

"No, I don't want to wait." Qui smiled. "That was just reality starting to sink in. In any event, we've got a month to sort things out." He took Ben's hands between his own. "Given the limited free time we have available, I think it will take a couple of weeks to get everything cleaned up on this end. After that I'm scheduled for a long patrol for several days, and the last part of October we can pack up my stuff and get it all moved over. I'll try to get a couple of days' leave for that last part of the move." He looked sternly at Ben. "And don't think you're getting out of doing Tai Chi sessions because of this, young man."

"Yes, sir. Sounds like a plan." Ben ducked his head. "Umm... I don't remember if I've mentioned it, but my birthday is at the end of October."

"That is wonderful timing, then. Let's see if we can make it an occasion to remember." Qui smiled as he pulled Ben close for a long sweet kiss.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Six §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ben felt like he was getting an education in advanced time management as summer ended and fall began closing in. He had to put in overtime at work to cover the gap in people while Frank continued his search for new part-time help, the garden demanded extra attention as the last surge of ripening took place, his previous commitments to UPA had to be honored, and he could not neglect his daily workouts. In the basement the sorting and rearranging continued, Qui insisted on fitting in their Tai Chi sessions, and he began helping with packing of Qui's possessions. Much of the next month flashed by, only highlights remaining in his memory of that tumultuous period.

***

"Archhoo!"

"Gesundheit," said Qui.

"I don't think most of this stuff has been touched in years." Ben wiped his nose with the back of his hand as he surveyed the sorted stacks. "Aside from the weights, without knowing what's really in all those boxes the only thing I've seen so far that I'd want to keep might be those rugs, the fireplace tools, and that wooden storage chest."

"Seems reasonable. Might want to save that brown armchair since it's in such excellent condition; it would go well with my sofa. If that one box actually contains lamps, we should ask Jane about those; another floor lamp or two would be useful."

"How're things coming along, boys?" Jane asked as she came down the stairs with two large glasses of iced tea.

"We're making good progress. Thanks, ma'am," said Ben, taking a welcome gulp.

"We've got things arranged so you can start looking in the boxes now," said Qui. "There are only a few pieces we'd probably like to hang on to, and we can help move the rest upstairs to the attic if you like. We didn't want to pry into the boxes since we weren't sure if the labels were all correct."

Jane took a quick perusal of the various stacks. "Way past time I should have been getting rid of most of this, but I think the labels were pretty accurate. I'll open the boxes tomorrow and check to be sure." She waved a hand at several grey cartons. "You should think about the household things in case you want some extra towels or dishes or such; most of that I'll be giving to the church for their loan closet." She wandered a little further. "All the ones labeled as my clothes or Roger's things will probably go to the thrift store or the church. In one of Roger's boxes there should be a right nice set of hunting knives and other gear. You're welcome to any of that you might like."

"Thanks. We'll check out whatever you're willing to pass on," said Qui.

Jane looked up from the boxes. "Ben, are you going to be sticking with your Forest volunteer work?"

"Yes, ma'am, I certainly intend to."

"You'll need proper outdoor boots and clothes, probably a rain slicker too. I'll keep an eye out for some things that might fit you when I do the sorting."

"I appreciate that, ma'am," said Ben.

"I'll have to take a closer look at these." Jane stopped in front of a set of cardboard boxes of various sizes. "I'm not sure what Richard left behind after he enlisted." She ran her fingers over the top box, shifted them around to get a better look. She picked up a very heavily taped rectangular box about a foot high and about a foot and a half long. She looked down at the bold black handwriting for a long moment before raising her head.

"Oh, dear," she said as her cheeks flushed red. "That boy surely had his father's sense of humor..." She raised a hand to wipe her eyes.

"Is something wrong, ma'am?" Ben asked. He had never seen the woman this flustered.

Jane thrust the box into Qui's hands. "I've got a real good notion what sorts of things are in there and I'd just as soon not deal with any of it. You can open the box or not as you want and welcome to it. If you don't want whatever's there, I'd take it kindly if you'd dispose of the things." She started for the stairs.

Ben and Qui looked at the label, which brashly proclaimed the contents to be 'Big Dick's Big Boy Toys'.

"Dick was Richard?" Ben asked.

Jane paused at the foot of the stairs. "Some of his friends used that nickname when they thought I wasn't around." She shook her head. "It was... well, never mind." She fled up the stairs.

Qui looked at Ben.

Ben looked at Qui.

They both looked back down at the box.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Qui asked softly.

"Oh, yeah. My brain's right down there in that particular gutter."

Qui gave a half snort as Ben grabbed the box, sat down on a small sagging couch and pulled out his pocket tool to begin sawing open the tape. Qui sat down beside Ben to watch.

"Holy shit!" Ben stared down into the opened box.

"I thought I'd been around a little, but I don't even know what some of that is." Qui gawked, mouth half open.

Ben had a huge grin as he looked up at Qui. "I think I would have loved to have met Dick Brandon."

***

"There we go." Qui swung the door back and forth slowly. "That latch will hold it open out of the way, or we can use the lock if we want privacy."

"Nice job," said Ben. "I would have been at it a lot longer if I had tried to put that door in myself."

"Goes fast with two people and the right tools," Qui said absently as he cleaned up after himself.

"Yes, sir." Ben turned around and surveyed their domain. Except for the items they had asked to keep, everything else had been swept away by a volunteer team from Jane's church. The hardwood floors gleamed with a fresh coat of wax and a stand of iron tools stood neatly by the newly cleaned fireplace.

"Looks huge when it's empty." Qui put an arm around Ben.

"I think we'll still have quite a bit of room after we get all of your things moved in. If you agree, I was thinking the fireplace should be focus of that end of the room and we could arrange the sofa and chairs to face it."

"Good idea. We can lay out a floor plan for everything next time I'm over." Qui looked around. "If we arranged it properly, we could probably do Tai Chi in here in a pinch, but I think that center section of the barn would be much better when the weather is really bad."

"I could see that." Ben gazed at the fireplace, envisioning long winter evenings in front of it. "You know, that's quite a large rocking chair you built."

"'Tis very sturdy, and big enough for two."

Ben looked up at Qui, and buried the sly grin in a kiss.

***

The big house was silent as the clock ticked toward midnight. Ben had felt tired in the morning after an unexpectedly long set at UPA the previous evening, and it had been a longer day than normal with twelve busy hours at Midway, two hours in the garden, an hour helping Rafa with calculus and a hard workout to keep his mind off Qui's fourth day of absence out on patrol somewhere in the Keo. Hair still wet from a shower, Ben stood naked in the middle of his bedroom. He held Qui's old t-shirt in his left hand as he stared at the bed.

The bed he would soon be sharing with Quilan Finn.

A quiver ran through him at the prospect, and Ben finally understood what Qui had meant about reality starting to sink in.

***

"Jaysus, but you taste good!"

Ben laid his head back to let Qui's questing tongue have free access. After a long run they had stopped to visit Manus. Once a load of apples was safely stowed in each of their backpacks, Qui had clearly decided it was time for a little interactive exploration.

"Mmmgmgm," Ben moaned as Qui's tongue dipped into his ear. Electricity jolted his spine as nips to his ear were followed by a hard kiss. With tongue. Hot, exquisite, wet tongue while a hand sneaked under his t-shirt and rubbed his belly.

Soft lips moved down Ben's neck and back around to his ear as two hands raised the sweat-soaked t-shirt up his torso. There was a pause as Qui pulled the shirt completely off, but the brief rush of cool air quickly turned to warmth as Qui attacked Ben's nipples with tongue and fingers.

Ben squirmed as the heat built up and blood began roaring in his ears. He pushed back blindly and rolled Qui onto his back. He dove under the bottom of Qui's t-shirt, kissing and licking the expanse of hot flesh, moving upward to suck on hard nubs. He grabbed the shirt and hauled it over Qui's head, momentarily trapping his lover's arms in its folds as he captured his mouth in a long lush kiss.

Qui fought free, ripping the shirt away, and wrapped his arms around Ben. They rolled and wrestled, kissing, hands roaming freely, bare skin hot and slippery, laughing at a mis-timed nip, rubbing, fondling, licking, caressing.

Ben looked down at his lover's flushed face. He was straddled across Qui's groin, breathing hard, his heart hammering. His hands were braced on Qui's broad shoulders; he could feel Qui's hands gripping his hips.

He also felt the hard flesh that strained against his own erection through the intervening layers of cloth.

They stared at each other, faces taut with lust. The moment seemed to stretch forever, until finally Ben caught the flicker of uncertainty hiding in his lover's eyes. He shuddered and carefully moved off to lie next to Qui.

Qui shifted up onto one elbow and leaned over. "Thank you," he whispered before bestowing a light kiss. "Soon, my love, soon."

***

"I didn't mind all those tools even if I don't know what half of them are, but why the hell did we have to bring all of that old wood? It was fucking heavy hauling it up those stairs," Ben complained as they crossed the back yard.

"They are all pieces I've been saving for projects. It has to be the right kind and has to be aged properly." Qui opened the back door to the kitchen. "Anyway, after we fix that hoist in the barn, we won't have to carry the heavy stuff up and down stairs."

"I still think -" Ben stopped short at the sight of the guests sitting at the table with Jane. He took a swipe at the sweat and dirt on his face. "Hello. I didn't know you were here."

"Just came by to drop off some things and to snarfle some fresh veggies from the garden," said Linda Grant. She gave Qui a frank up-and-down. "You going to introduce us to that lovely hunk of man?"

Ben flushed but Qui just seemed bemused as he looked at the two women.

"Uh, yes, ma'am. This is my friend Quilan Finn," he waved in Qui's general direction. "Qui, this is Elizabeth McCormack and Linda Grant."

"Liz, please," she said as Qui shook her hand. "And don't mind Linda, she burned out the discretion filter in her brain a long time ago."

Linda laughed as she stood to give Qui a big hug. "If he doesn't know he's hot by now, honey, then I'm doing him a favor by enlightening him."

Qui smiled as he looked back at Ben. Jane was not doing a very good job of holding her own laughter.

"Liz and Linda are friends of Jane's," Ben said. "They're, um..." He stopped, not sure how much he should say.

Linda took Qui's arm and leaned in. "The poor boy is trying to figure out if he's allowed to tell you that we are flaming lezzies." She winked. "Don't worry, it's okay. Liz and I have been lovers a hell of a lot longer than I like to think about."

It was Qui's turn to laugh as he hugged Linda again. "I appreciate your confiding in me." He jumped a little as Linda copped a very generous feel of his rear.

"Hey," Ben protested, "that's mine."

"Just because you're not buying doesn't mean you can't admire the merchandise," said Linda loftily, spoiling the effect by the little grin she couldn't hide.

"Ben does get a bit jealous," said Qui, although the smile was a little wary.

Liz raised an eyebrow as she looked at Jane, who nodded.

"We are the fossils Jane used to convince Ben that she didn't mind people of different 'persuasions' when he was moping in the throes of unrequited love," Liz said quietly. "We have not and will not tell anyone else that the two of you have decided to get together. The decision on if and when to come out is absolutely yours to make, and we respect that."

"Ah, thank you for the clarification." Qui took Ben's hand. "I'm still new to this experience and wasn't quite sure what was going on."

"Don't worry about us," Liz said dryly, "if you have any questions, I'm sure Linda will be happy to expound at great and wearying length."

"It's a good thing I love you, dear," Linda pouted before leaning down to kiss Liz's cheek.

Jane insisted everyone stay for lunch. Qui exerted his considerable skills in charming all three women, and Linda demonstrated that she actually could keep things lively and funny without getting too personal. Ben was left alone with the female trio shortly after they finished eating as Qui had to leave for a promised visit to talk to a group of scouts at the Wildlife Conservation Center.

Ben wasn't sure he liked the gleam in Linda's eye as she took a sip of coffee.

"So, Ben, give us the juicy details. Your new man is absolutely delicious, but have you got him into bed yet and who's the top?"

His face felt like an open furnace as Ben's fears were realized. His mouth opened but nothing came out.

"Linda, that's none of our business."

"Hey, I'm just saying what we're all thinking," Linda retorted. "It's obvious both of those lovely studs are tops in a major way, sugar."

Liz sighed and shook her head ruefully. "Ben, you don't have to answer any of that."

"Yes, that's right," Jane added, pursing her lips.

"No, it's... " Ben cleared his throat. "It's alright. We haven't actually... gone all the way yet."

"That is so sweet, Ben. I didn't think anyone actually still said that these days," Linda said. "You are planning to do it, right?"

Liz shot an acid glance at Linda, who just raised an eyebrow.

"Well, the topic has come up..." Ben mumbled as he slid lower in his chair. While he appreciated the openness of their support, he didn't feel comfortable discussing an issue he hadn't even resolved with Qui yet. "But we haven't made a final decision yet about... things."

"Ben?"

He looked up at the concerned tone of Liz's voice.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"You have at least discussed this with Qui, haven't you? He seems like a good man, and I certainly got the impression he cares for you a great deal, but that's too important an issue to just leave up in the air if you are both serious about a long-term relationship."

"We have talked about it," Ben said slowly. "We do understand that it's important." He sighed. "Linda is right; we're both basically tops. We've talked about sharing, taking turns... it's the getting started part we haven't quite figured out yet."

"All levity aside, Ben, if you need help or just want someone to talk to about it, we're here," said Linda. "I've seen too many friendships torn apart because they couldn't come to terms with the physical part of the relationship, and I'd hate to see that happen to you and Qui."

Liz nodded. "Or if you'd rather talk to a man, we know several gay couples in the area. It might help to talk to someone who has been in your position... so to speak."

"Thanks." Ben nodded slowly. "I'll talk to Qui again, but I'll keep your offer in mind."

Ben sat at the table thinking long after all three women left to pick a basket of vegetables in the garden.

***

The door latch quietly clicked as Qui came in through their private door.

"Sorry about heading out so abruptly; I wasn't meaning to leave you with all the work." Qui shrugged and smiled apologetically. "I was stuck inside all day doing paperwork and just had to get out in the fresh air for a little walk."

"It's alright." Ben leaned back in the padded armchair they had kept, one leg draped over an arm of the chair. "I was just sitting and thinking." He contemplated the sight before him: long legs in loose jeans, brown leather jacket open over a tank top, a few sprinkles of gray in the chocolate hair growing out of its last cut, corners of the mouth barely lifted, blue eyes in a quizzical crinkle. Ben tilted his head with a whimsical half smile.

"Good thoughts, I take it?" Qui quirked an eyebrow.

"Mmmhhmm." Ben let his eyes rest on the hands tucked into the waistband of the jeans. "You were wearing that jacket the first time I ever saw you. It was at UPA. You were leaning on the counter when I came in, your hands folded together, and I knew you were everything I had dreamed of." He shook his head. "That first time we shook hands, it was like an electric shock running through me." Ben snorted. "I could have come in my pants if you hadn't finally let go."

"I remember." Qui nodded slowly. "Even that first time I felt something - a tingle that I didn't understand." He smiled as he shrugged out of his jacket and set it aside. "Took me a while to figure it out, but luckily for me you're a persistent young man."

Ben stood up, a sudden decision pushing him to stand in front of Qui. "We need to talk."

"Alright. What do we need to be talking about?"

"We have an unfinished conversation that I've been thinking about." He glanced around, then took Qui's hand. "Let's sit over here." He led the way to the rug spread before the fireplace and sat down.

Qui gracefully folded himself into a cross-legged position. "So now what?"

Ben held Qui's hand, running his thumb along the palm. "This business of tops and bottoms... I don't want to think of us in those kinds of terms."

"I thought you were the sex-starved motorcycle mechanic desperate to get into my pants." Qui smiled.

"Well, that too, but I'm trying to be serious here."

"Sorry." Qui kissed Ben's fingers. "Is it the words or the actions you don't like?'

"The typical concepts behind those words are what I want to get away from." Ben chewed on the corner of his lower lip as he tried to find the right terms. "Most people think of a top as the aggressive, dominating person and a bottom has a connotation of being weaker, subservient in some way." He shook his head. "That's not always the case, of course, but I want to think of us as equals." Ben looked at Qui. "Partners who love each other and are willing to explore their sexuality and try different things together."

"I like that." Qui slowly nodded. "Partners... each his own person but with something together that is greater than either." A corner of his mouth quirked upward. "A rather romantic thought, really. I think that's part of why I love you."

"It's your fault," Ben shrugged one shoulder. "Some of you has been rubbing off on me, or at least I hope that's what's happening."

"Partners in the dance?" Qui smiled, a full-fledged genuine joy. "Taking turns deciding whether it's a waltz or a tango and taking turns leading?"

"Something like that." Ben's answering smile reflected his agreement.

"That will be good, very good." Qui's expression became thoughtful. "Somebody still has to take the first step, though."

"I've been thinking about that, too." Ben was very still as he looked down at their joined hands.

"I'm willing to try it either way you want," said Qui softly.

"I want..." Ben slowly raised his head. "I want you inside me for our first time."

"Are you certain? I don't want to do anything to hurt you."

Ben took a deep breath, let it out gradually. "I think that one of the main reasons I had always insisted on topping was that I never found anyone I felt I could truly trust... someone I was comfortable enough with that I wouldn't feel vulnerable." Ben paused, twined his fingers with Qui's. "I trust you, and I want to feel what it's like to be joined with you... to take you into myself both physically and emotionally." He blushed a little. "Sorry, that's starting to get awfully mushy and fuzzy."

"Not at all; it's a beautiful sentiment." Qui carefully laid Ben down on the floor and stretched out beside him. "I would be honored to join with you, my love," he whispered as he held Ben close.

***

Ben yawned and stretched, then glanced at the clock. Frank and Mattie were opening the shop today, giving him an extra two hours to sleep in if he wished. His body had other ideas however, so he leaned over to flick on the tape player, lying back as the lilting tones of Quilan Finn filled the room. He poured a handful of lube from the bottle on the nightstand and began a leisurely appeasement of his morning tension.

A vague bump and thump did not catch Ben's attention, but the loud knock on his door made him blink and curse softly to himself.

"Ben? Are you up?"

"Yeah, what is it?" Ben sat up and hurriedly grabbed a sheet to cover himself. "You can come in."

"I dropped off a box on my way to work and wanted to ask -"

Qui stopped in the open door.

"Sorry, Jane said you were usually up by this time of the morning. I'll talk to you later."

"No, it's alright. What did you need?" insisted Ben.

Instead of answering, Qui tilted his head and listened a moment, brow furrowed. "That's the recording I did of Joyce's Ulysses. I remember making that one; it was a long bastard and needed several sessions." He looked back and took in Ben's flushed face, the sheet clutched in one hand over his updrawn spread knees, the arm that disappeared under the sheet. "Wait a minute, do you still -" He shook his head. "No, no, strike that question. I don't want to know. I don't even want to be thinking of that in conjunction with some of the things I've recorded." Qui rubbed his face and sighed dramatically. "Jaysus, what kind of a sex fiend have I got myself hooked up with?"

"Hey, novels, short stories, poetry, PSAs, whatever - the words don't necessarily matter." Ben covered up his embarrassment, getting into Qui's humor by licking his lips and leering. "You turn me on so much I could come just listening to you reading the phone book."

"I can see we won't be inviting you to any public readings if you're that horny."

Ben laughed. "Probably a good idea. If a recording gets me all hot and bothered, the real thing would no doubt cause spontaneous combustion." He grinned wickedly. "Or a very wet pair of shorts."

"I'm beginning to suspect I should be laying in an extra supply of Vitamin E." Qui had a saucy grin in turn. "Or maybe just buying more books."

The sheet slipped as Ben laughed even harder. "I am looking forward to expanding your horizons. In more ways than one."

Qui had to drag his gaze upward from the enticing dark hairs peeking out from under the edge of the sheet. "Right." He cleared his throat. "I'd better be getting on to work while I still can." He flashed a lopsided grin. "Enjoy your morning." He closed the door behind him as he quickly fled.

Ben leaned back into his stack of pillows and slowly resumed his self-ministration. Yes, he mused, definitely looking forward to expanding one horizon in particular.

***

"Sidai!" came the sharp rebuke.

"Yes, Sifu?" Ben straightened and stared straight ahead.

"You are not focusing. There is no value to the exercise if you are just going through the motions."

"Yes, Sifu." Ben bowed his head and sighed. "I'm sorry... it's difficult with everything that is happening."

"All the more reason to concentrate, Sidai, to center and let the external world drop away so you can re-energize body and mind. Give me fifty pushups and we will start again."

"Yes, Sifu."

***

"This floor plan should work," Qui said as he peered at the sheet of paper, then glanced up. "We can always make adjustments later, of course."

"It's a good start." Ben looked around the basement, envisioning how the furniture would look once the move was complete. The area rugs had been laid out; armchair, storage chest and floor lamps were in place; the weight machine and exercise mats occupied the far corner; and the boxes of towels, bedding, sheets, pillows and outdoor gear they had claimed marked the spots where the sofa, desk, table and chairs were to go. Another eight boxes of CDs, records, tapes and books that Qui had already brought over were positioned by the area designated for the bookcases. "What time do you want to start on Sunday?"

"I'd like the two of us to start at eight, if that's alright. Jane mentioned that she could bring her truck over around nine, and a few of her friends offered to help pack and clean up after they get out of church. We took care of the entire workroom earlier, so I was thinking we should be able to get everything that's left moved over on Sunday, get a good night's sleep, then finish unpacking Monday morning. Jane also told me she wants to fix dinner for your birthday Monday evening."

"That sounds fine. And I already asked Jane to just have the four of us for dinner." Ben smiled diffidently. "I'm not sure I'd be able to pay any attention to any other guests."

"I know how you feel." Qui turned to Ben and kissed him. "Just a few more days now."

"What about Sunday night?"

"The property manager is coming out Monday morning for a final inspection, to collect the keys and give me the check for the security deposit and September's rent that I had already paid." Qui hesitated. "I thought it would be easier to stay and meet him there, so I want to leave my sleeping bag and spend one last night alone at the house. Nothing against you, of course, it's just -"

Ben put a finger against Qui's lips. "Don't worry about it. I understand and I don't mind at all." He smiled softly. "Makes it all that much sweeter looking forward to Monday night."

Qui pulled Ben in for a big hug of unspoken thanks. They melted into the warm embrace, content to hold each other in silent comfort.

**************** ***************

Before leaving for his last day at Qui's place, Ben put a sweatshirt on under his jacket to ward off the chill of the gray October morning. It wasn't cold enough yet to require the jacket's thermal liner, but at the rate things were going it felt like it wouldn't be long. He parked well off to the side so Myrna was out of the way.

"Morning," said Qui as he answered the door. "Come in. I've got some tea brewing if you'd like a cup before we start packing things."

"Sounds good. Thanks."

Ben sat at the kitchen table for a few minutes sipping the hot drink, while Qui pulled out the few staples still remaining on his shelves and tossed them in the boxes with his odds and ends of cutlery, dishes and cooking items. Except for one water bottle, items from the refrigerator went into a large cooler they had borrowed from Jane. They then carried the boxes, the cooler, the chairs and the table outside.

In the small bedroom they quickly stripped the bed, packed linens, bedding and clothes into boxes, then carried out the boxes before moving the heavy wardrobe to join the table.

"Jesus, you obviously don't believe in lightweight furniture, do you?" groused Ben.

"I suppose I am rather partial to nice solid wood," grinned Qui.

Ben grimaced at the potential pun, but decided to let it pass. "I know you said the kitchen appliances stay, but is there a washer we need to get?"

"No, clothes were always sort of catch as catch can at the laundromat or a friend's house. That's yet another advantage to moving in at Jane's."

"That should save you some time we can put to better use." Ben raised an eyebrow suggestively.

"Good point. I'll be able to add in some more Tai Chi workouts," replied Qui, waggling an eyebrow of his own.

"Hmmph," Ben grunted. "What's next?"

"The living room."

Ben started on the desk while Qui began carefully wrapping the items in the display case. He pulled open a large drawer to transfer the contents into a box, digging into the interior to pull out folders full of papers.

"Hey, is this a medal?"

"Yes. There's probably a couple of those in there somewhere," said Qui absently as he kept working.

"There's a ton of performance awards, certificates and letters of appreciation mixed in here with a bunch of loose forms and stuff. Do you want any of this separated or wrapped?"

"Throw it all in a box and I'll sort it later to pull out my financial and personnel records." Qui glanced up. "Why are you looking at me like that? It's just paper."

Ben shook his head. "This represents a lot of good things in your life that you've been recognized for. How can you just toss it in a drawer and hide it?"

"Those represent what somebody else thought about the value of things I've done." Qui tapped his head and his chest. "I know in here what I've done and what I feel the worth of my life has been, what I've contributed to trying to make this a better world. That's all that's really important."

"Did they at least give you money with any of these?"

Qui laughed and came over to stand in front of Ben. "We obviously need to work on this fixation you still have with filthy lucre." He took the drawer and unceremoniously upended everything into the waiting box.

"I'd be happy to settle for clean lucre. It keeps a roof over my head and buys gas for Myrna," Ben quipped back.

Qui started to roll his eyes, but a knock on the front door interrupted them. Ben trailed along as they went out to the front porch.

"Sorry we're late. The sermon was a little long today," said Jane as Rafa peeked out from behind her. "Brought a few friends along so things will go quicker. There's a crew to help move stuff at both ends and a crew for cleaning up."

Ben smiled to himself as he looked out. There were three pickup trucks besides Jane's, Liz and Linda had three people in their station wagon, and a minivan was just pulling up with several more people.

"A few friends?" Qui looked a bit awed. "We'll be finished in no time with this crowd." He scratched the back of his head. "That's if we can even fit all of them in this poor little house." He stepped forward to hug Jane.

People began milling about in front of the house, joined by the group from the minivan. A large burly bear of a man in jeans and a black t-shirt proclaiming "Have You Hugged God Today?" came up to the porch. A lock of black hair flopped into his eyes, matching the black pelt on his arms and peeking from the neck of his shirt.

"Good morning, good morning," he boomed. "How are we doing today?"

"This is Reverend Charles Jenkins," said Jane. "This is Quilan Finn and Ben Kennan."

"We're doing well," said Qui as he shook hands. "Thanks for coming out." He hesitated a moment. "I appreciate the help, but we're not members of your church."

"Not to worry. You are friends of Jane and Rafa, so you are part of our community. And you can call me Charley or Rev if you want." He had a broad smile as he gave both men a once-over. "We have a very large number of adjunct members, so to speak. And after all, you came out to help build the corral for Rafa, yes?"

"True enough." Qui nodded. "Thanks again."

"Ben, how are you? It's good to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too, sir. I've heard quite a bit about you and the good things your church does for people."

"We try," he said with a self-deprecating smile. "I'm mostly just a sort of facilitator. It's really about people helping other people. Speaking of which, we should get going, since we need to finish moving you and also get the house cleaned so they give you your full security deposit back. What's on the agenda for today?"

"Ben and I already cleared out the back rooms and the kitchen, so anything still in those rooms stays and they can be cleaned. We need to pack out the living room and then load everything to go over to Jane's house."

"Excellent." Charley called out, "Liz, can you get the cleaning crew set up? The kitchen and back rooms are ready."

"Can do easy." Liz threw off a jaunty salute with her cane and started pairing people up with brooms, mops, buckets and other cleaning supplies.

"Remarkable woman," said Charley fondly. "I think she could organize the Last Coming with one hand tied behind her back." He shook his head, then turned to Jane. "Jane, dear, could you take a look at what needs to be loaded and start assigning things to each truck?"

"I'll get right on it." Jane waited a moment for approval from Qui, then went indoors.

"Could I speak to both of you a moment before we start?"

"Of course, sir." Qui nodded to Ben and the three men moved off into the clearing.

"First, I just want to make it absolutely clear that you have no obligation to the church. You are welcome to drop by if you should ever wish to, and we have a lot activities open to everyone, but it is entirely up to you. I've seen your name in the paper, Quilan, and Jane has told me a little about both of you, so I know you contribute to the greater community in your own ways, and the good Lord appreciates it all."

"Understood," Qui said as both he and Ben nodded. Qui continued, "You have a lot of wonderful people in your church, and I'm glad to know you."

"Second, nobody has said anything to me, but I've been out as a gay man a long time and I've got damned good gaydar. I've also seen your new living arrangements when we picked up everything Jane was donating to our loan closet." He held up a hand. "I'm not asking any questions, but I would like to give you a word of advice. Everybody that knows Jane also knows that for years she's had three rooms to let. Now that she has three renters again, if anybody asks about where you're living, just tell them you're boarding with Jane Brandon and let them draw their own conclusions. Unfortunately, there are still some potentially significant repercussions if and when you ever decide to tell anyone elsewise, so be damned sure that you both agree before you make that kind of a decision." He smiled to lighten the mood. "Just a hypothetical word of advice, of course. And just as an aside, I hand-picked the folks who will be moving your stuff in at Jane's, and they all have reasons of their own to be very discreet."

Ben and Qui looked at each other, then back at Charley. Ben took a shaky breath as he surreptitiously moved a bit closer to Qui.

"Hey, Ben. Don't worry about things. I'm just a nosy old fart who's too used to sticking his foot in doors and passing out alleged words of wisdom." The beaming smile was in full force as he slapped Ben on the shoulder.

"Yes, sir. Thanks for the help," Ben smiled back, "and the hypothetical advice."

"Time to get to work and get you out of here most scosh."

***** *****

With so many helpers, the work flew by. Liz and Jane were clearly seasoned veterans of this game, and Charley floated around lending a hand or encouraging word where needed and keeping things cheerful. Within a few hours, everything had been moved and the little house was spic and span. Linda went out for a stack of pizzas and drinks that Qui insisted on paying for, and they had a festive lunch sitting on the floors or counters. After trash was bagged and the last helper sent off with words of gratitude, Qui and Ben stood alone in the empty living room.

Ben watched as Qui made a slow circuit of the room, then sat on the window sill looking out pensively.

"You doing alright?" Ben asked quietly as he went to stand next to his ranger.

"Still seems strange to be leaving this place, even though I know I'm only going a few miles away."

"Transitions can be difficult," offered Ben.

"I've no reason to be sitting around feeling sorry for myself," said Qui with a snort of self-disgust. He pulled Ben close with one arm. "I've just gotten too set in my ways and the change will be good for me." He kissed Ben's nose. "I'm going to a better place, especially with you there."

Ben smiled briefly, but his expression quickly turned serious. "What did you think of Reverend Jenkins?"

"Seems like quite a character, but a very good man. I noticed how much everyone seemed to like and respect him."

"Mmmhhmhm." Ben stood looking down at the floor.

"Are you still thinking about his 'words of advice', Ben?" Qui rose from the window sill to face Ben.

"He had a good point." Anxiety roughened Ben's voice. "You know I'm not ready to come out publicly to the whole town, at least not for a while."

"I understand that, and I respect that decision. I doubt it will be something I'll be wanting to do myself anytime soon, especially while I'm still getting used to our new relationship."

"Qui, I trust you, but like you said, you are new to this, and I know you prefer to be up front with people." Ben took both of Qui's hands in his. "Right now, you're going to be in a position where people will be curious because you're moving... it's just human nature to ask questions." He looked into Qui's eyes. "All I'm asking is that you be careful, please."

"I will." Qui bent his head to brush Ben's lips. "I'm not in the office that much, and most people already know I tend not to talk about personal matters anyway, including friends like Joan Spangler and Sandy Miller. They've always respected my privacy, and I don't expect that to change."

"Thanks." Ben melted into Qui's arms.

"I finally managed to pry some extra leave out of my boss yesterday by agreeing to cover the next two weekends," said Qui as he slowly kneaded Ben's shoulders. "I don't have to go back to work until Saturday."

"That's good. We'll have Monday to Thursday together." Ben rubbed his head against Qui's chest. "I probably could have asked for more leave since they are trying out a new part-timer to help with the coverage, but I don't have much vacation time built up yet and I wanted to save a couple of days for the holidays."

"That's fine. There'll be plenty of time to be together later." Qui moved his hands down, rubbing Ben's lower back. "I'd like to take one day and show you a few of my favorite spots in the Keo while the weather is still relatively decent."

"Tell you what. I'll go with you to the Keo if you let me take you for a ride on Myrna."

"Sounds like a fair deal." Qui laughed. "I was wondering whether I'd have to pry you out of bed to get you to do anything."

Ben raised his head with a wicked grin, "That's what the first two days are for."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Seven §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Wakefulness came early even with no alarm to heed. Ben yawned, stretched and rubbed his face before contemplating the empty spot next to him that would soon be filled by his beloved ranger. He smiled and hummed to himself as he threw off the covers and jumped out of bed.

After his workout and a quick breakfast, Ben stood in the basement at the foot of the stairs admiring the new furnishings. The sofa, rocking chair, side tables and armchair made a cozy section facing the corner fireplace and there was a space behind the rocking and arm chairs where the empty bookcases along the wall waited to be filled. Near the middle of the far wall, Qui's desk was set up with his display case next to it beside which the small used refrigerator they had found had a large bowl of apples sitting on top of it and was already stocked with water and juice. The table and chairs occupied the middle of the room, while the weights and exercise mats remained in the far corner near the exterior door with its windowed top half. To his left, past the doors to the bathroom and bedroom, sat the large wardrobe and storage chest which they had finally decided to leave outside the bedroom so Qui would be able to dress there without disturbing Ben when his schedule was particularly erratic. They had ended up putting one laundry basket in the bedroom and another next to the wardrobe. The small, heavy gun safe for Qui's pistol was out of sight, tucked into the bottom corner inside the wardrobe next to the set of built-in shelves and drawers that lined the side.

Ben nodded as he looked around, well pleased with what he saw. He glanced at his watch and realized that he had at least a few hours before he could expect Qui back since the property manager had made the checkout appointment for ten. He looked around once more, smiled, then headed for the bedroom.

Nervous energy fueled Ben's spurt of work. He stripped the bed and gathered every piece of dirty laundry he could find into a bundle which he hauled upstairs to start in the washing machine. He came back and made the bed with Qui's flannel sheets, glad that Qui had owned queen-size sheets even though he'd had only a double bed. He allowed himself a few moments to stroke the soft blue fabric before adding one of Qui's dark blue blankets and a green comforter that Jane had supplied when Ben had first arrived. He tidied away any loose clothing and other items, frowning as he fingered the perilously thin leather of his engineer boots before setting them inside the closet next to the tall hunting boots and galoshes which Jane had passed on from her husband's old belongings. He smiled to himself as he lined up the bottles of lube and small stack of hand towels in the drawer of the nightstand which resided under the one window. Moving on to the bathroom, he re-cleaned every surface, crevice and crack before setting out fresh soap, two sets of towels and even a new roll of toilet paper. A quick trip upstairs to move wet clothes to the dryer, then he came back down to sweep the clean floor, lay in wood and kindling ready for an evening fire and set out candles on the mantel. He had already sent a lengthy email to Maureen the previous evening, so he decided against turning on his computer. Aside from the box of Qui's personal papers, the only big unpacking task remaining was to re-load the bookcases, but he couldn't remember exactly what things were supposed to go where, so he reluctantly deferred that task.

Since it was still only nine-thirty, Ben wandered upstairs to check on the laundry. Neither Jane nor Rafa was home, leaving Ben alone in the house. He remembered Qui's promise to join him for a ride, but realized he only had one helmet. He called Frank and asked if he could borrow a helmet; receiving an affirmative, he fired up Myrna and went for a ride.

When he got back at eleven after chatting a bit with Frank and stopping to put gas in his motorcycle, Ben found he was still alone. There was a note from Rafa on the whiteboard they had put on the door of the refrigerator, explaining that she had taken Cel out for a ride. Ben gathered the clean laundry from the dryer and put it away downstairs, but he was still restless. Finally, he changed into his oldest clothes and went out to work off some of the tasks on his list for the garden.

Wiping sweat from his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, Ben sighed seeing the filth on the fabric and realized he had probably smeared it all over his face. He straightened for a short rest, but when he turned, he found that he had an audience along the fence facing the barn. Planting his spade in the dirt, he walked over and stood in front of them, legs apart, hands on hips.

"Alright, if you two have got any snide comments about my gardening skills, get it over with now," he rasped.

Qui looked up at Rafa, who was sitting atop Cel, leaning forward to rest a forearm on the horn of her saddle.

"Actually, Rafa was just telling me how much your technique has improved this summer," remarked Qui with a determinedly straight face.

"Indeed," Rafa added gravely, "you have become much more efficient in wielding your implements of destruction."

Cel whickered and bobbed her head several times as if agreeing.

"Very funny." Ben scowled. "Show's over, so you comedians can take your act somewhere else."

Qui stepped closer to the fence with a grin. "If we didn't care, we wouldn't bother." He sniffed several times and wrinkled his nose. "Jaysus, what have you been rolling in, boyo?"

"Slipped and took a digger when I was turning the damned compost heap, so lay off."

"I do hope you're planning on taking a shower before you come to dinner."

Ben shot a rude gesture as he muttered very uncomplimentary things under his breath.

Rafa laughed as she sat up and gathered the reins. "Speaking of cleaning, I need to get Cel's stall taken care of as well as the cages for those cats we've got boarding this week." She waved as she began to turn away. "See you later."

Qui spread his arms and leaned his head to the side. "Peace?" When a dark look was his only response, he moved up to the fence and put a hand through the woven wire. "Love you," he said quietly.

That was the one thing Ben could not resist. He sighed, wiped his hands on his shirt, and moved close enough to take Qui's hand. "Sorry," he muttered. "I shouldn't be so sensitive."

"You have come a long way since I first met you, you know," said Qui softly. "In so many things."

"Maybe, but I feel like I've got such a very long journey still to go to figure out how to be a better person and straighten out some of the junk in my head."

"You know my answer to that, Ben." Qui raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, fucking 'patience' and her sister 'perseverance'," Ben groaned.

Qui grinned. "Actually, to change the subject a little, I have a couple of questions."

"Go ahead."

"I couldn't help but notice how clean everything was in the basement. The walls and floors were glowing so much I was almost afraid to take a piss in your pristine bathroom. Are you one of those neat freaks who's going to be following me around with a broom and an antiseptic wipe and sending me outside if I have to pass gas?"

"God, no!" Ben laughed. "You'd better remember what it looks like now because you'll probably never see the place that clean again. I was feeling restless this morning... and, well, I just wanted things to be nice for your first day here."

"Thank the saints," Qui said fervently. He continued with a sly grin. "We'll have to see if we can find something more interesting to use up all that excess energy."

"I don't think you'll need to worry about that," replied Ben with a leer.

"Another question, then." Qui still had a grin. "I've realized that I have no idea if or what you might like to drink. I picked up some red wine for dinner, but also decided to get a nice bottle of white wine and some beer for after dinner. If you prefer, we can stick to something non-alcoholic."

"I've pretty much given up heavy drinking because I feel so awful the next morning after I get really rip-shit. I do like an occasional beer or glass of wine rather than the hard stuff, so that will be nice; we can get the fire going in the fireplace and have the wine."

"Good." Qui reached up to trace a smear of dirt on Ben's cheek. "I'm going to go unpack those last boxes. Oh, and Jane said she wanted to eat at six-thirty if that's alright with you."

"That will be fine." Ben looked around. "I need to finish up out here, which will probably take me another hour or two, so could you let her know?"

"Certainly. See you later."

Ben watched until Qui had disappeared back into the house, lips quirked into a smile. He shook his head, and turned back to his labors.

**************** ***************

Tossing the book he had been half-heartedly reading onto his desk, Ben stood and stretched. He was feeling much calmer and almost mellow. The hard work had helped a lot, and Qui had intercepted him to suggest a Tai Chi session outside before he washed up. He'd initially had trouble centering, but Qui had patiently made him repeat the basic exercises until he was able to capture the proper focus. It was always a joy when they went through the forms together, and today had been no exception.

Ben had decided to indulge in a long, hot bath instead of his usual shower, allowing himself to enjoy soaking while he looked at the new touches that Qui had brought by populating the room with little things like his toothbrush, razor, comb and shampoo. He had been thoughtful as he thoroughly cleaned himself, paying very particular attention to his genitals and anus. It was late afternoon by the time he emerged, and he had retreated to the bedroom while Qui took a shower.

Ben leaned against the doorway and watched as Qui sat at his desk sorting papers into stacks as he pulled them from the box. Guitar music played softly from the small stereo which had been pushed to a corner of the desk. His eyes wandered to the display case, thinking about the feel of the practice sword Qui had let him once handle.

"If you have a question, please feel free to ask." Qui studied the form he held in front of him.

"How did you do that?" Ben went to stand between Qui and the display case.

"Do what?" Qui pulled his glasses off, laid them down on a stack of papers, and turned to face Ben.

"I know you didn't look, so how did you know I was there all the way across the room?"

"Situational awareness." Qui tilted his head, a half-smile on his lips.

"What?"

"That's how I think of it." Qui shrugged. "Basically, I have learned to focus internally while remaining aware of what is happening around me. I heard you when you walked to the doorway and I could hear you breathing so I knew you stopped there. I've started to become particularly attuned to your specific presence so I knew when your focus shifted from me to somewhere else. It is a very useful skill to have in my line of work."

"I guess it would be," Ben said doubtfully. "Sounds a little bit creepy, though."

"It's mostly a matter of practice in learning to focus and to fully observe and interpret your environment." He rubbed the edge of his chin thoughtfully. "If you reach a point where you can properly center for an extended time, I could probably teach you how to do it if you're interested. I suspect you already have a good focus when you're working on motorcycles; we would just need to train you to extend that to be able to keep that focus at the same time you keep track of your external stimuli."

Ben thought for a moment and realized he did get very intensely involved when he was doing maintenance, especially if there was a difficult or interesting problem to resolve. "I never thought of it that way," he said slowly, "but I think you're right. I'll have to consider it, I suppose."

"You do that." Qui smiled. "Anyway, did you have a question?"

"I was looking at the swords." Ben hesitated a moment. "I know you said you won't teach me any of the weapons until I'm further along, but could I at least see you doing the sword form?"

"A reasonable request," said Qui. He thought for a moment. "I'm a little out of practice, but it is something I would like to get back into. I'll start working on that, and in January or February when things are quiet, I can take you to see a friend of mine who teaches the Tai Chi martial arts. We can show you the 'two person pushing hands' forms I want to get you started on and also the staff and sword forms. Would you like that?"

"Definitely!" A great beaming smile burst forth as Ben pulled Qui up into a hug. "Thank you."

A long moment later Qui disentangled himself from Ben's lips. "You are welcome."

"That will be just so wicked pisser," Ben enthused. "I'll really be looking forward to that."

"Don't forget you have to keep working on the basics."

"Of course. That will make a great incentive, though." Ben glanced at his watch as a rumble in his stomach reminded him he had skipped lunch. "Dinner will be ready in a half hour. Let's go up and see if there's anything we can do to help."

"Hold it." Qui grabbed Ben's shirt before he could reach the open doorway. "I am under strict orders not to let you leave until we are summoned for the special birthday feast. Since I have no desire to lose my left testicle, you are staying put if I have to tie you up to do it."

"Don't be ridiculous," Ben scoffed. "Jane doesn't say things like that."

"She doesn't need to say the words." Qui cowered in mock terror. "She is a very determined woman and when she gets that certain look in her eyes, it would set a grizzly bear running." He straightened up with a smile and said dryly, "Actually, she threatened to make me eat my own cooking for a month, which is probably worse than losing a ball, now that I know what I would be missing."

That got a laugh from Ben and earned Qui another kiss. To help pass the time until they could leave, Qui put the box of papers between them, showed Ben how he was sorting and had Ben start putting the obvious items into stacks on the table. They worked in companionable silence, although Ben didn't make very fast progress due to his distraction with reading the various award letters and certificates.

A knock on the half-open door at the base of the stairs and a cleared throat announced Rafa's presence. She led them upstairs and smiled as she escorted them past the kitchen where they normally ate to the formal dining room and ushered them in.

Ben gasped and stood speechless. The antique mahogany dining table was covered with a lace tablecloth, china and sterling silver place settings, and silver candlesticks set with ivory candles. The sideboard held brightly wrapped gifts and the tantalizing odors of the bountiful banquet in fine china and silver servers had his mouth watering. He suddenly felt very under-dressed and inadequate; this was the kind of occasion for which his parents had made him wear a full suit and tie.

"This is... amazing," Ben said when he finally found his tongue. "You shouldn't have gone to all this trouble."

"Tweren't all that much trouble," said Jane, clearly pleased with the effect of her efforts. "Especially seeing as how it's kind of a double special occasion, what with Qui moving in."

"Thank you very much, Jane," said Qui as he discreetly pressed a hand into Ben's lower back. "It looks magnificent."

"Yes, thank you very much indeed," Ben said as he started forward. He smiled and shook his head. "Absolutely wicked pisser."

"Why don't you boys sit down and we'll get things started," said Jane as she lit the candles and turned down the lights.

"Yes, ma'am" was the chorus from both men as they made their way to the table.

The meal proved to be as remarkable as the setting. The fresh salad was accompanied by Jane's personal secret dressing, the home-made rolls were hot from the oven, vegetables were crisp and savory with the lightest touch of sauce, and the steaks and lobster tails were fork-tender with a heavenly flavor. The red wine that Qui had supplied was the perfect complement. Ben ate slowly, savoring the fantastic food and lively conversation, storing the event in his memory.

Afterward, he sat at the table sipping water while Jane and Rafa cleared the table for dessert. They had insisted that neither he nor Qui was allowed to help, so the two waited until the high-domed covered plate and the silver coffee and tea pots arrived.

"This is a very old pattern. Excellent quality, too," said Ben as he idly ran a finger around the rim of the saucer under his cup. He had been to enough dinner parties while growing up to become familiar with a large variety of fine dinnerware.

"China and silver belonged to my grandmother and then my mother added to it. We used to bring it out for Thanksgiving, Christmas and other special occasions," Jane remarked as she poured coffee. A wistful smile flitted across her face as she continued, "Been a while since I've had reason or desire to even look at it."

A sudden impulse sent Ben to his feet to give Jane a hug. "I appreciate this tremendously. Thank you."

"Here now, you'll be spilling the coffee," Jane chided, but there was a blush in her cheeks. "You're right welcome, son, but sit yourself down so we can get on with dessert."

"Yes, ma'am." Ben smiled and gave her arm a small squeeze before returning to his chair.

"Alright, if I can have everyone's attention," Jane announced once all had been served with coffee or tea. "First off tonight, we want to welcome Quilan Finn to our family. I look forward to having you with us for a lot of good years and wish you and Ben all the happiness you are hoping for."

"It is an honor and privilege to be here." Qui nodded graciously. "My thanks to you, Jane, for making a place in your home for me when I had to leave my own. To you, Rafa, for your kindness and friendship in accepting me." He turned his head and lightly brushed Ben's hand. "And, of course, my gratitude to you, Ben, for offering so much to me and for your exceptional persistence in getting me to accept what you offered."

There was a round of laughter, but Ben's throat was tight as he gazed into Qui's eyes and nodded.

"Now for our birthday boy." Jane pulled the cover off to reveal a large chocolate layer cake. She swiftly lit the 22 candles. "Altogether, everybody."

Ben ducked his head, a light blush on his cheeks as he listened to the singing of 'Happy Birthday'. When the song was over, he looked around the expectant faces.

"I don't know if I can add much to what Qui already said. I am immensely grateful to you, ma'am, for taking me in and helping me out so much all these months. I still may not always be able to tell the weeds from the vegetables, but I have definitely gotten better at digging them up." He paused while Jane laughed. "Rafa, I hope we become even better friends, and I'll be there whenever you need help with math." Rafa returned his smile with one of her own. "Quilan Finn, you are the greatest gift I could receive, and if you don't already know what my birthday wish is, then I haven't been nearly persistent enough."

A flush of warm gladness rolled through Ben as Qui laughed, an open-mouthed chuckle of joyful acceptance. Ben winked as he bent to blow out the candles. He heard a low whisper from Qui as Jane began cutting slices of cake while Rafa retrieved gifts.

"Truly a one-track mind, Mr. Kennan."

Ben let the tip of his tongue peek out the corner of his mouth as he grinned at his ranger, then resumed a relatively decorous mien as he looked at the first present.

"To Ben from Rafa." He tore open the paper on the large box, opening it to pull out insulated bib overalls and a matching blue jacket. A scarf, hat and gloves completed the outfit.

"It gets very cold here sometimes," Rafa explained. She smiled as she continued, "I wouldn't want you to have an excuse for not shoveling snow when it's your turn."

Ben laughed and thanked her, resisting his instinctive urge to protest the expense of the gift in favor of accepting her generosity, glad to see how much more comfortable she seemed to be with him.

The next box was also large and was from Jane. Ben lifted the long-sleeved sweater from the top for all to admire.

"You seem to like those black t-shirts so much I figured black would be something you'd enjoy," said Jane.

"It's great," said Ben as he pulled it over his head. "Fits great too." He looked in the box, pulling out a layer of paper to reveal gleaming new engineer boots, complete with heavy-duty patches across the front where the motorcycle clutch would hit them. "Ohhhhh," he breathed as he ran a finger down the smooth black leather. "They're beautiful." He had to take off his sneakers and try them on, standing up to let his weight settle into them. "They fit perfectly," he marveled. "How did you manage that?"

"Well, I sort of know a man who does leather work, and we took the liberty of going into your room one day a while back when you were over at Qui's place to get the measurements. The door was open, so I hope you don't mind."

"Mind? How could I mind? They're absolutely awesome." He sped around the table to wrap Jane in a big hug. "Thank you very much." On his way back to his seat he paused to hug Rafa too for good measure.

"You need to open that little one exactly at seven-fifteen," said Jane. "You'd best get on with it if we're going to be on time."

"Open it at exactly seven-fifteen?" Ben turned the box over in his hands; it was from his sister, which meant there was no telling what it might be. He shook it a little but nothing rattled, so he shrugged and waited until the second hand on his watch moved to the top before ripping off the paper. As he began pulling the top off the box, the tune of Fur Elise started sounding. Ben grinned as he plucked a cell phone from the crumple of red silk; that had been one of his favorite pieces when he had been learning the piano and he had played it endlessly to annoy his big sister. He opened the sleek instrument and put it to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Happy Birthday, little brother! Hope you're having a good one."

"Hey, Maureen! It's terrific to hear from you, and yes, it's an incredibly amazing birthday. You can't believe how kind everybody has been. We had the most sensational dinner that Jane fixed, even better than that place you used to drag us to for your birthdays. And I've gotten the most perfect gifts from everybody."

"I'm glad to hear that, Ben. And don't you be getting any scruples about accepting the phone, you dufus. I paid for it myself out of my summer intern job, the phone itself and a year's service contract. The charger and stuff is in the bottom of the box."

"Thanks, Maureen, you're wonderful. I don't know how to repay you."

"You do that by calling me on the damned thing. I swear you are so dim sometimes, little bro."

Ben smiled at the familiar teasing. "Thanks, I will. Things going well with you?"

"School's great and I'm having a blast. Everything else is pretty much the same, and we won't be going there."

"I'm glad grad school is what you were hoping for." Ben gratefully heeded the other half of her comments.

"Look, I don't want to keep you since I know you've got people there. We can talk some more later. Before I go, though, I want to talk to that Quilan Finn you've been telling me about."

Ben handed the phone to Qui. "She wants to talk to you."

"Me?" Qui raised an eyebrow but took the phone. The conversation on his end was short, consisting only of "Hello," "Yes, I do," "Understood," and "Yes, ma'am, I'll do that," before handing the phone back. "I'll tell you about it later," Qui said as he blew out a heavy breath and shook his head.

"Maureen? Ben again. Thanks for the phone, and for being such a great sister. Love you."

"Love you too, Ben. You enjoy the rest of your birthday and we'll talk later. 'Bye."

There was still one gift left, so Ben put the phone back in the box to examine later in more detail. He opened the flat container and extracted an oversized book.

"100 Years." Ben eagerly opened the grey cover emblazoned with the Harley-Davidson logo, skimming through several sections, exclaiming over the stories and illustrations. He looked up, a huge grin splitting his face. "It's a history of Harley-Davidson since 1903 by the grandson of one of the original founders."

"I thought the pictures were nice," Qui shrugged. "Maybe you can read it to Myrna and tell her about her forebears."

"It's brilliant, just totally brilliant." Ben hugged Qui, then sat down to admire the book again. "Thanks. I love it."

They settled in to have cake and ice cream, admiring the various gifts while Ben continued to enthuse. The candles flickered as they burned low and eventually the last bites of cake and last sips of coffee or tea were taken.

"'Twas was a magnificent meal, Jane," said Qui as he pushed his plate away. "I don't think I could eat another thing."

"It's nice to do for your friends, especially for a special occasion like this."

"I'd like to thank all of you," said Ben with an expansive wave of both arms. "I think this has been the best birthday ever. I am immeasurably grateful for having such good friends."

After brief acknowledgements, Ben began to stack his cup and plate. Rafa batted his hand away with a smile. "Cleanup is part of the service tonight." She gathered several dishes and headed for the kitchen.

Jane came over and stood between the two men. "Happy Birthday, Ben. Rafa and I will handle things up here, so I want you and Qui to take yourselves downstairs and enjoy the rest of your special day." She leaned down and kissed each of them on a cheek. "No need to be up any particular time in the morning, boys. Good night." She nodded, then took the remainder of the cake and followed Rafa into the kitchen.

Ben's mouth went dry as the realization of what was coming next hit him. He looked at Qui and found a mirror of his own bashful little smile.

"I think we have just been kicked out of the room," said Qui. He stood up and stretched but made no move to depart.

"Yeah, we'd just be in the way up here if we stayed." Ben sat in his chair a moment longer as he put his new acquisitions back in their boxes, except for the sweater and boots he was still wearing. He rose and picked up the containers, then took a deep breath and headed for the stairs.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
§ Chapter Twenty-Eight §
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ben was first into the basement. He put his gifts on the table, made a quick visit to the bathroom, then went over to the fireplace. He looked along the mantel for the box of matches he had put there earlier but couldn't find them.

"Qui, did you see the matches?" Ben turned around to find that Qui was leaning against the door frame, slowly surveying the room from one end to the other.

"Qui?"

"Hmm?" was the absent-minded reply.

"Is there a problem?"

"Just doing a final reality check." Qui shrugged. "I've been thinking about this so much that it's hard to believe it's really happening."

Ben moved away from the fireplace and planted himself, legs apart. He raised his arms, elbows bent, palms up, and very slowly jiggled his fingers. He put on his best come-hither face, and in a low, sultry voice he rasped, "Come on over here, big boy, and I'll show you reality."

Qui straightened, a faintly amused twist to one corner of his mouth.

"Oh, yeah, I got something hot and sweet for you." Ben ran his tongue along his lower lip. "Bring it on, stud. Show your boy what you've got for him."

By now, Ben definitely had Qui's attention.

"I remembered that you like foreplay, too." Ben ran one hand gradually down his side as he put a fingertip to his lip, sucked lightly and let it slip out. "I've got four bottles of lube for us to play with." He waggled his eyebrows.

Qui laughed, a full gleaming smile as the ice broke and his normal confidence surged forth. He reached behind him and closed the door.

The lock clicked loudly.

"You are going to need four bottles by the time I get done with you," he purred.

Ben grinned. "That's the Qui I want to see." He leered as he cocked a hip. "You still want that fire? Or shall we get right down to business?"

"A job worth doing is worth doing right," said Qui as he came across the middle of the room. "Remember the magic 'P' words?"

Ben groaned. "I swear I'm going to get those words tattooed on me." He brightened a little. "Maybe I could get one on each ass cheek so you have to look at them."

Qui laughed again. "Promises, promises. At least that way you really would have a 'smart' arse. I'll open the wine after I make a pit stop." He paused by the desk and picked up something. "You'll be needing these, I'm thinking." He tossed a box of matches to Ben before bending to open the small refrigerator.

Ben took a moment to enjoy the view before Qui straightened again, then hummed to himself as he lit the waiting fire, followed by the candles along the mantel. The warm light softened the air as he clicked off the lamps.

"Very nice," said Qui a few minutes later as he put two glasses of wine and the open bottle on the small side table at the end of the sofa. "I know you like your new boots, but are you planning on leaving the great hulking things on? I don't particularly fancy getting kicked in the shins with those."

"Oh, I don't know. I do indeed like them a lot." Ben grinned as Qui shook his head with a grimace, whereupon Ben relented and pulled them off, caressing the leather before carefully setting them with his other gifts.

"No bloody white socks either, please." Qui was sitting on the sofa, legs stretched out in front of him. He wiggled his bare toes. "Reminds me too much of a bad porno movie."

"I am shocked!" Ben gasped as he clapped a hand to his chest in mock horror. "My hero looks at those nasty filthy pictures?" He swooned, a hand to his forehead. "You are shattering my illusions!"

"I'm just your basic dirty old man," smirked Qui. He dropped his voice into a cracked quaver, "Come here, little boy, I've got a treat for you."

Ben laughed as he toed his socks off, leaving them lying on the floor. He retrieved his glass of wine and joined Qui on the sofa, settling in next to him as Qui draped an arm around his shoulders.

"Very nice wine," Ben remarked after he took a small taste.

"Just a little something I've always been fond of."

The crackling of the fire was the only sound for a while as they cuddled and sipped their wine.

"Mmmmm," Ben sighed as he snuggled a little closer. He was feeling warm and relaxed. "This has been a fantastic day." A stray thought tickled his brain. "Qui?"

"Hmmm?"

"What was it Maureen said to you on the phone? You looked a bit taken aback when you finished."

"I don't think your sister is someone I would be wanting to cross." A wry smile lit Qui's face. "First she asked me if I really loved you, so I said yes. And while Jane may not use bodily threats, Maureen told me in blunt and explicit detail how she was going to remove all of my genitals and where she was going to put them if I ever did anything to hurt you. Then she told me that I had better take good care of you or she was going to hunt me down to the ends of the earth and make my life miserable."

"Jesus, I'm sorry about that." The flush on Ben's face was no longer just from the wine as he tried to bury his head in Qui's side. "Maureen has always been a very protective big sister, and sometimes she gets a little carried away."

"It's alright." Qui said as he kissed the top of Ben's head. "She cares for you a great deal, and I would certainly be the last one to be minding something like that."

"I am so glad I found you," Ben murmured. He felt his empty glass plucked from his hand, then he was pulled into an embrace.

"It's been quite a journey this summer, finding you and finding out new things about myself," Qui said quietly as he held Ben close. "Not always a smooth trip." A little rumble that vibrated between them. "I keep associating us with this little bit from Walt Whitman when I remember how it went, especially when I think of how you kept coming back to me: "O You whom I often and silently come where you are that I may be with you,"

Qui rubbed his hands up and down Ben's back.

"As I walk by your side or sit near, or remain in the same room with you,"

Ben felt tingles down his spine as he shifted to straddle Qui's lap.

"Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me."

A distinctly un-subtle fire blossomed as their lips met, a hungry flame that blazed brightly. Ben felt the heat flooding through him as the kiss grew in intensity, mouths opening and tongues delving, an answering heat from the body beneath him escalating the temperature. Hot, wet tongues slid and entwined, the taste of Qui mixed with the woody sweetness of wine as Ben explored, textures of slick warmth shifting to hard edges of teeth and back again.

"Ahhhhh," Ben breathed an appreciative sigh as he rested his head on Qui's shoulder. "That's an even better vintage second-hand."

Ben smiled at the wordless murmur of agreement as Qui grazed along the base of his neck and nibbled on his ear. He captured one of Qui's hands, kissing the palm and moving on to suck each finger.

They kissed and caressed for a few more minutes until Qui wrapped his arms around Ben's waist and slipped them both down to the thick rug in front of the fireplace. They stretched out beside each other and began letting hands and mouths roam freely. Kisses alternated between lips, necks, ears. Fingers slipped under shirts and skin was gradually bared, providing new territory to explore.

Ben moaned as two large hands rubbed his sides and stomach while a hot mouth sucked his nipples into tender hardness, alternating between them. He luxuriated in the attentions, letting his head loll back as his hands fondled Qui's head. Electricity ebbed and flowed throughout his body as his cock gradually began filling.

Turning the tables, Ben urged Qui onto his back and kissed him before moving down to nibble at the junction of neck and shoulders, sucking on the pulsing vein in his neck, leaving tangible marks of his passion. He ghosted his hands along Qui's ribs and flanks as he attacked the enticing nipples. He nuzzled the armpits, the tangy musk filling his nostrils. Broad strokes of his tongue painted Qui's abdomen as Ben memorized his flavor.

For a timeless stretch the two men leisurely indulged each other's whims, kissing, licking, suckling, caressing, skin sliding against skin. Qui allowed Ben to move freely but he controlled the pace, keeping things simmering, building gradually to just below a boil.

Suddenly Qui pushed Ben flat on the rug and moved over him, belly to belly, chest to chest, pressing down. He held Ben's arms above his head as he captured him with a fierce kiss, plunging his tongue in and ravaging Ben's mouth for a long, breathless siege.

"Sweet Jesus," Ben gasped when he was finally released.

Qui let go of Ben's arms and shifted to support his own weight on his forearms. "So, you still think foreplay is a waste of time?"

"You've got the evidence that says I think it's a great idea." Ben wiggled his hips just enough to nudge his erection against Qui's groin.

Qui pushed himself up to his feet. He took a moment to put out the candles, then returned to stand beside Ben, staring down at him as his tongue slowly circled his lips.

Breathing heavily, Ben stared back. The blood that raced in his veins had his heart pumping as if he had been on a long run and he had to collect himself enough to grasp the hand that reached to pull him up. Still holding Ben's hand, Qui began walking slowly toward the bedroom. At the entrance he lightly kissed Ben as he released his hand. Ben stood with one forearm propped on the door frame, watching happily as Qui stripped the covers back on the bed. Qui straightened, opened the nightstand drawer and picked up one of the bottles of lube, read the label with a raised eyebrow, then put it back down before turning to face Ben. The two men looked at each other. Qui briefly rubbed the red mark on the right side of his neck, then extended his arm. Ben glanced at the open hand, his nostrils flaring as his heart picked up speed again. Moving slowly in deference to the hard flesh straining his jeans, he reached to take Qui's hand. He kept moving as Qui pulled him in for an embrace and another kiss. Never breaking the kiss, Qui turned Ben and gathered him in, then carefully put him down on the bed. Ben captured a large hand and slowly began sliding it down his chest, along his belly, pushing it to rest on the fabric-covered bulge at his groin.

"Why don't you open my present for you?" Ben whispered.

Faint noises escaped Qui's mouth as his eyes darkened. His hand squeezed a little, his breath hitching. Resting one knee on the bed, he opened the button on Ben's jeans. Very slowly he slid the tab of the zipper downward. He grasped the edge of the jeans and began pulling.

Ben watched Qui's face as he raised his hips to allow the denim to be removed. A cool rush of air hit his groin as his erection popped free and he grinned as he saw the lump that went down Qui's throat at the sight. He felt the drag as his jeans were quickly yanked off the rest of the way and tossed aside. He sucked on his lower lip as the warmth of a callused palm slowly made its way up his leg, pausing halfway up his thigh.

"Don't stop there," Ben said as he fought to keep his hands still at his sides. "It doesn't bite." He watched, spell-bound, as Qui's hand resumed its progress. His cock leaped and a moan escaped his lips when long fingers encircled the hard flesh.

"Lively little devil," Qui murmured, his voice low and husky as he stroked the iron silkiness from root to tip.

"You don't know the half of it." Ben's hips jumped as a thumb caressed the tip of his organ, spreading the wetness already gathering.

"I've never touched another man's penis." Qui looked up at Ben.

"So what do you think?" purred Ben. "Do you like it?"

"Hmmm," Qui said thoughtfully. Little throaty murmurs emerged as he trailed a finger along the underside of Ben's erection. "I think I like it a lot." He gently rubbed just under the crown, then tilted his head, mouth half open. "Is that good for you?"

"Don't worry, you're doing fine." Ben reached and patted Qui's cheek. "The family jewels could do with a little polishing too, if you'd like to continue your education."

A snort and lopsided half-smile rewarded Ben's jest. Qui's tongue peeked from the corner of his mouth as he resumed his exploration.

"Aaghgh," gasped Ben as his balls were rolled and fondled. The hand on his cock teased his sensibilities, light brushes of fingertips contrasting with firm strokes and subtle squeezes. Ben felt the pressure building, his organ growing ever harder. He moaned as the intensity grew; when his balls tightened, he grabbed Qui's wrist.

"Wait!" Ben rolled his head back, sucked in several deep breaths and blew hard. "My turn," he spit out as he pushed himself up and shifted around to sit on the edge of the bed. He seized a belt loop on Qui's jeans and pulled Qui to stand between his knees. "My turn," he said, more quietly this time as he looked up at Qui, his fingers resting on the top button, a question in his eyes.

Qui put his hands on Ben's shoulders. His face was flushed, his breathing hoarse. "Yes," he whispered gruffly. His eyes were shadowy swirls as they bored into Ben. "Yes," he repeated.

Eyes locked on Qui's, Ben opened the metal buttons one by one. He gripped jeans and underwear at Qui's hips, then drew them downwards, tugging briefly to get the garments past the engorged organ. It was only when the clothes were dislodged far enough to fall from their own weight that Ben allowed himself to look down at what was now at his face level.

"Sweet mother of god!"

The very generous phallus almost touching Ben's nose was well past half mast. It bobbed gently in the warm breath from Ben's half-open mouth. Eyes wide, Ben's first thought was a sudden doubt about the wisdom of asking for that formidable instrument to be introduced into his untried and virgin orifice. He sucked in a breath and let it out through pursed lips.

"Was that whistle supposed to be 'Oh, boy, look what I found' or 'Oh, my god, what was I thinking'?"

Ben looked up. The tone had been jocular, but the expression said that Qui knew damned well what Ben had been thinking. Certainty replaced doubt; this was right, this was what he wanted, this was the man he wanted to make love with for the rest of his life. The corner of his mouth twitched, then turned up as a smile slowly spread across his face.

"It's wicked frickin' pisser!"

Any uncertainties that Qui might have had as to the meaning of that phrase were quickly erased as Ben reached up to grasp the middle of the enticing rod, holding it still as he leaned forward to slurp a wet tongue across the head.

"Ooahh, Jaysus!"

The shudder that rippled down Qui's body sent quivers straight to Ben's cock. He returned the favor of Qui's earlier attentions to his own organ, caressing and teasing the velvet length, gently squeezing the balls, running a finger around the tip and dipping into the slit. Ben felt his heart pounding, a trickle of fevered sweat sliding down his temple. Between Qui's moans and the heavenly sensations in his hands, Ben's cock grew painfully hard and he felt himself rushing to climax. With a gasp, he reached down to grasp the base of his own erection, leaning forward to rest his head against Qui's middle, his free arm around Qui's hip.

"Ah, fuck!" Ben's breathing was harsh. "I need..."

"What can I do for you?" Qui wrapped a hand around the back of Ben's head, holding him steady as his own chest heaved.

"I need... to take the edge off."

Ben leaned back, swinging his legs up to lie flat along the edge of the bed. He kept a hand between his legs, squeezing tightly until he felt the pressure subside. He looked sideways to see Qui kneeling beside the bed. He reached out to touch Qui's face.

"I wasn't kidding when I told you how horny I get even just thinking of you. We'll both enjoy the rest of the night more if I get off now." He ran a finger along Qui's lips. "Would you like to fulfill one of my fantasies, love?"

"What wish can your genie grant for you?" Qui captured Ben's hand and kissed the palm.

"I have dreamed about you touching me while you talked to me or read to me, just your hands and your voice." Ben licked his lips. "I'm so close it won't take much. Would you do that for me?"

A slow nod and tender smile, then Qui bent his head to brush Ben's lips with his own. "It would be my pleasure." He lightly rubbed Ben's cheek with a thumb as he pondered for a moment. Another smile, sensual and alluring, as Qui laid his other hand on Ben's arm.

"I have just the thing. Relax, love, and listen."

Ben let his body go limp as fingertips ghosted up his arm, grateful for his lessons on centering. He closed his eyes, focusing on sounds and sensations.

"This is for you, Ben Kennan, because this is what you have done to me, and Enthralled is how you make me feel."

Light pressure traced the planes of his face as Ben drew in a slow breath.

Teach me to sin--
In love's forbidden ways,

Neck tickled... shoulders caressed...

For you can make all passion pure;
The magic lure of your sweet eyes
Each shape of sin makes virtue praise.

Heart racing as fingers teased nubs to hardness, tweaking, twisting...

Teach me to sin--
Enslave me to your wanton charms,

Straining to hear over roaring blood as palms swept across bare skin, waves of hot, tingling craving in their wake...

Crush me in your velvet arms
And make me, make me love you.

Hands fisting in sheets as fingertips delved into the warm crevice where belly met legs, slipping down inner thighs...

Make me fire your blood with new desire,
And make me kiss you--lip and limb,

Whimpers of delirious fervor as straining cock was captured, caressed, a gentle thumb spreading moisture...

Till senses reel and pulses swim.

Riding the ragged edge of raw need as firm, deliberate strokes stoked the ravening ache...

Aye! even if you hate me,
Teach me to sin.

Moaning... hips thrashing as steady pressure pumped the rigid length ever faster while fingers squeezed the tender orbs below...

A cry of ecstasy as joyous delirium erupted...

***** *****

"Ahwwwahwwwwaa," a long subvocal croak.

Warm.

Ben blinked, turned his head. Blue eyes only inches away stared into his. Ben blinked again, realized that the warmth was the afterglow of a fantasy fulfilled.

"Did you know that your eyes turn the most incredible shade of blue-green when you come?" Qui asked softly, his voice full of wonder.

"I don't remember opening my eyes," said Ben. His body's response to the hand resting just below his navel let him know that the fire was only temporarily banked and the cravings still lurked.

"Right before your climax..." Two fingers floated along the side of Ben's face, barely touching. "So beautiful..."

Ben allowed himself to drift and enjoy his languor for a moment. Finally he drew a deep breath and released it very slowly.

"Thank you, Qui," murmured Ben as he turned on his side. "That was wonderful." He found the hand that had moved down to his neck and brought it to his mouth. He kissed each knuckle, then held the palm against his face. "I want to make you feel wonderful too."

"You're doing a good job so far," leered Qui, "my incredibly sexy boy." He held up a small rumpled towel. "Not something I've usually had to worry about before with a partner, but I hope there is a lot more where that came from."

"Oh." Ben gave a small abashed smile as he realized that Qui must have cleaned him up while he was still foggy from his orgasm. "Thanks. And yes, I think I can safely promise that there will be a copious quantity on tap whenever you would like to avail yourself of the supply."

Qui laughed as he rose from his kneeling position beside the bed to his full height.

"May I have this dance, Mr. Kennan?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.

"It would be my pleasure, Mr. Finn." Ben flopped over on his back, hips tilted and one knee raised to display his assets. "What wish of yours may I fulfill, sir?"

"Don't worry, you'll know when we get there." Qui picked up two towels and one of the bottles of lube and tossed them onto the stack of pillows. "Move your arse over, boyo."

The sensuous smile and smoldering eyes sent a shiver through Ben. He scooted to the far side of the bed, leaned up on one elbow. Another shiver went through him as he was transfixed by the intensity of Qui's stare. He had often wished he could be the object of Qui's single-minded focus, but the reality proved to be even more consuming than he could have imagined.

Ben couldn't move as the mattress dipped under Qui's weight. He watched, mesmerized, as Qui slowly stalked him on all fours. He was already hardening again at the sight of the heavy phallus hanging from Qui's loins. The first touch of Qui's hand on his ankle drew a gasp; the progress of the dry ghosting fingertips up the inside of his knee, along his thigh and across his belly was accompanied by increasingly heavy breathing. The sight of the tongue circling those wanton lips sent sparks flying.

Yielding willingly to the slight pressure from Qui's palm, Ben let himself be pushed flat, his arms held in those massive paws. He swallowed hard as lips descended onto his and reveled in the steamy and very thorough assault on his mouth. Ben gulped air as those lips moved on, kissing along his jaw, sucking on his ear. Teeth nipped at his lobe before a tongue soothed the hurt, then dipped into his ear, sending a hot flash into Ben's gut.

Nibbles and deep kisses along Ben's neck made him moan as he envisioned the evidence Qui was leaving of his ardor. His mouth worked soundlessly as sharp teeth and wet suction suddenly pulled first his left and then right nipple into an exquisite ache. His chest arched, wanting more of that carnal tongue, a wordless plea Qui obligingly granted, teasing with the tip, flicking the sensitized nubs before sucking them in again.

Ben's cock was paying fervent attention as his bare skin was painted with broad, salaciously wet strokes. He moaned as hands slid down his chest and agile fingers tweaked and twisted his now-tender nipples. The tongue and lips that kissed and licked up and down his belly set his heart pounding and blood racing. He was only vaguely aware when Qui's weight shifted and a knee landed beside each of his hips.

Any banked coals that were still miraculously quiescent burst into ravening flame when Ben felt the solid flesh that slid against his own straining organ. His excited yelp was swallowed by the mouth that descended on his and took his breath away. His hips futilely bucked under Qui's weight, greedily seeking more of that exquisite friction. Ben felt the sweat popping out on his face and body, adding slickness to the heat as Qui moved against him.

A whimper of need came from the boneless mass that was Ben Kennan as his ranger finally sat up beside him after several minutes of thoroughly touching, kissing, and licking him all over. His eyes widened as he watched Qui retrieve the bottle of lube. He gulped when a hand gently urged him over onto his stomach.

"I'm running on instincts here, so you have to tell me if I hurt you or if you need to stop," Qui murmured.

Ben swallowed, then nodded. "You're still doing fine," he whispered hoarsely. Ben closed his eyes as a hand massaged his back, working its way slowly down toward the base of his spine. He felt Qui's body lying alongside him, heard the soothing murmur in his ear, but quivered when a slick finger delved into his moist cleft.

"Have I told you how fucking sexy your arse is?" Qui growled into Ben's ear.

Ben's cock, trapped as it was between his stomach and the bed, still managed to jump at the voracious lust in Qui's voice. "Flatterer."

"Makes me jealous of Myrna when I think of her getting that arse all to herself all this time."

The finger teasing his entrance almost made Ben choke on his laugh. He tensed when a dribble of lube was followed by a light pressure.

"I need you to relax for me, Ben." Qui nuzzled his lover's neck as he moved his hand to knead an ass cheek.

"I want this," Ben whispered. "It's just..."

"I know." Qui pulled Ben onto his side, spooned up close to him and wrapped an arm over Ben's shoulder to hold his chest. "Breathe with me."

Ben closed his eyes and leaned back into the comforting warmth. He was drawn into the rhythm of the anchor that was Qui's life force, matching the regular in and out of air. His heart still hammered but with renewed desire instead of the sudden anxiety that had caused him to stiffen at the tentative first intrusion. Qui's kisses along his ear and shoulder sent new sparks down his back, while Qui's hand moving down to stroke his cock shot lightning into his gut. He reached behind him to find Qui's flank and held him close, letting the hard neediness at Qui's groin rub against his rear.

"Want you..." moaned Ben. "Do it again."

Shifting back onto his stomach, Ben grabbed a pillow to hug as he felt more lube being spread into his crack. When the first questing finger began probing, he deliberately pushed out, concentrating on welcoming the touch. The first cautious penetration caused a grunt and brief tightening of the muscular ring, but Ben took a long, slow breath and the moment passed. It was an odd sensation when two fingers moved inside him, stretching him. Ben was still trying to analyze the messages his brain was receiving when a sudden exquisite shock rocked his whole body.

"Holy shit!" gasped Ben. His eyes flew open.

"Remember that thing called a prostate?" was the wry chuckle from the vicinity of Ben's left ear. "Didn't know it felt that good, did you?"

"Do THAT again!" Ben demanded.

Another chuckle tickled Ben's ear as he pushed back enthusiastically onto the fingers. He wiggled his rear to encourage more of that fierce stimulation, so excited by the rousing titillation that he eagerly accepted it when a third finger joined in. Heat flashed in waves over him and his cock pulsed under him.

"Heeey, don't stop," Ben whined when there was an abrupt emptiness in his nether region.

"My turn, remember?" Qui flipped his lover onto his back. He urged Ben's hips up and put a large pillow beneath them, then moved between Ben's legs. He licked his lips as he stared down. "Wanna see those gorgeous eyes when you come again for me, boy."

Ben stared back up, caught in the intense blue gaze, still breathless from the speed with which his lover had maneuvered him. He sucked in a deep breath, then lifted his legs toward his chest with a cheeky grin.

"What are ya waiting for, old man?"

The ravenous growl that answered him sent a new shock straight to his cock. The pressure of the blunt head against his opening launched a brief quiver through him, but Ben kept his eyes fixed on Qui's face and the moment passed. More pressure, a slow, steady push against the heavy ring of muscle that caused Ben to bear down to ease the passage, then Ben experienced a sharp pain as the first few inches burst through the barrier.

"Oww!" Ben swallowed. "Fuck, you are big."

"Easy... just breathe." Qui lifted Ben's legs over his shoulders and let him rest. "Tell me when you're ready."

Ben took several deep breaths, then nodded. "Go for it."

Another slow, steady push as the slick length moved deep into his passage made Ben giddy with the voluptuous fullness. Even the earthy grunt when Qui's last shove brought his balls flush with Ben's ass added to his arousal. He laid his head back and moaned his pleasure as he adjusted to the incredible completeness.

Awed elation sang through his nerves as Ben let the sensations wash over and through him. The love and lust in the smoky gaze of his lover drew him in, an electric connection as the rest of the world ceased to exist. Joined in body and emotions as he had never been with anyone else, Ben felt lifted, transported for a moment to a magic oneness.

The hoarse cry of "Need you" pulled Ben back to the intense physical intimacy of passion. His back flexed as Qui bent forward to kiss him, fervent mingling of tongues mimicking the union of their bodies below.

"Want you... all of you," Ben groaned. He shifted his bottom and tightened his sphincter, grinning at the heartfelt moan he drew from his lover.

An inarticulate growl of possession warned Ben they had reached the point of no return. He willingly gave himself over completely as Qui drew his hips back, leaving just the head of his erection inside Ben's body, then swiftly pressed back in, raking over the sweet spot and causing Ben to gasp as a shock wave passed through him.

Ben was amply rewarded for his submission. Time lost all meaning as he was sucked into the cadence of Qui's dance, long, slow, gentle thrusts that alternated with harder strokes that raked his passage. There was only sensation; lingering taste of Qui in his mouth, sweat musk of Qui in his nose, grunts and harsh breathing of Qui overpowering the roaring of his own blood in his ears, powerful hands that roamed his sweat-slicked flesh leaving fire in their wake.

"Aaaaghgh!" Ben bucked as he felt the head of Qui's organ sweep across his prostate again and again, gasoline on the blaze that was consuming him. He felt a reciprocal increase in the urgency of Qui's ardor as bruising strength grasped his hips.

Clenching muscles would have been useless in slowing the hot steel juggernaut that impaled him, but Ben eagerly welcomed the fierce onslaught. White-knuckled fists clutched sheets as he tried to meet the pistoning drive of Qui's rigid cock. He cried out as his own straining organ was engulfed in slick fingers and pumped hard.

Pressure.

Glorious flames.

Sweat burning his eyes.

Cock painfully hard as it swelled to bursting.

Flesh slapping torrid flesh as hips jerked and balls swung.

Red haze as short, jabbing thrusts pounded into him and shoved his body around.

Ben shuddered when a husky voice ordered, "Open your eyes, love." Ben forced himself to obey, looking up into glittering sapphire eyes, slitted with lust, bearing down on him. "I want to watch you when you come."

Magic voice, beloved voice, sending Ben soaring over passion's peak.

Ecstasy.

Time hung suspended in a blinding white glory,

floating in a joyous rapture,

one with his lover in body and mind.

Ecstasy.

Ben drifted in cozy darkness. Only the necessity to breathe forced him to make his befuddled mind address the question of why there was a hot, heavy weight pressing his chest down, his legs uncomfortably lifted. The fullness in his rear passage as he tried to shift position brought instant enlightenment.

"Oooah," Ben breathed as he wrapped his arms around the recumbent form atop him, trying to savor the closeness and connection for as long as possible.

Blue eyes blinked muzzily as Qui lifted his head, a slow, languid smile spreading across his face.

A small whimper and sigh as Ben was forced to yield to reality, letting his lover slide off his sweat-and-semen-slicked flesh as Qui's deflated organ slipped from his body.

"Are you alright, Ben?" A soft kiss followed the anxious query.

A serene harmony filled Ben's soul at the sound of his lover's voice. "I don't think I have ever been better." Ben lazily turned his head. "That was absolutely fantastic." A thought tried to form in his brain. "Don't think I can move ever again, though."

A low snort of laughter. "So much for youthful stamina."

Ben felt the mattress shift briefly, then a soft towel moved from his head to his limbs and torso, removing the residue of their adventure.

"You are so good to me," murmured Ben. Warm tenderness filled the crevices left from the recent lust.

"You are a gift from heaven to me." Qui tossed the used towels aside and leaned in for another gentle kiss. "I didn't know what darkness I was living in until your light opened my eyes."

"Awwww," Ben summoned enough energy for a half grin. "Are you getting all soft and mushy on me?"

"Give me a little time and it won't be soft and mushy you need to worry about, boyo."

"That's the Qui I want." Ben turned on his side to face his new mate, traced a finger down his cheek. "Love you."

Qui gathered Ben into his arms, then pulled up the flannel sheets to cover them. "Love you." He kissed Ben's forehead, then held him close.

They drifted into blissful sleep in each other's arms, peaceful smiles on their faces.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


FINIS, for now


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Tai Chi Notes and poetry references:

There are many web sites, books, DVDs etc. for Tai Chi. These are just a few that might be of interest.
1. A listing and explanation of the Yang Style 24 steps http://www.harmonytaijiquan.com/traditional_24/traditional_24.html

2. Info about differences between Yang, Chen and Wu styles and simplified drawings of the Yang 24 http://www.taichiacademy.com/formsandmovements.htm and http://www.taichiacademy.com/yang.htm

3. To see some examples of Tai Chi, go to YouTube.
- Square form - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUrt4z5vnwU
- Yang 24 step - (no sound) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffUEjWn4wdA
- Yang 24 ( group with music ) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3guMmzk2ygI
- Discussion of several movements and relation to martial arts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4yY651q2gI

4. There are also Yang 42 and 108 long forms on YouTube

5. Tai Chi breathing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nMne3erRgk or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFqrO5GkepM or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZRiHDrhJZY

6. Weapons in Tai Chi.
- Yang Sword http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxhAjv3YneM or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJ-sUFf2K9U
- Staff http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAvFSeRu1ds or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAFvE7uTd6k
- Examples of various types of weapons used in Tai Chi (staff, sword, broadsword, etc.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RNgvtKF884 or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcHP2mpg7Zw

7. Two person formal pushing hand exercise http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76GNTdi7NV0

8. Two person free style training demo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEQrdRAE2UY

9. http://www.glbtq.com/social-sciences/ireland.html, glbtq: An Encyclopedia of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Culture, Ireland, Linda Rapp, discussion of gay influences in Irish literature

10. http://www.glbtq.com/literature/wilde_o,3.html, glbtq: An Encyclopedia of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Culture, Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Claude J Summers, review and discussion of Oscar Wilde

11. Conrad Bladey, 5 Minute Irish Stories, http://web.ncf.ca/er719/blackbx.html

12. Charles Kickham, St. John's Eve, from A Treasury of Irish Poetry in the English Tongue, Stopford A. Brooke and T. W. Rolleston, ed., 1900

13. Walt Whitman, O You Whom I Often and Silently Come, Leaves of Grass (8 editions between 1855 and 1891)

14. Alfred Bryan, Enthralled, from Pagan Love Lyrics, 1921 (also included in Poetica Erotica, A Collection of Rare and Curious Amatory Verse, (Volume 2) edited by T.R. Smith, 1921, for which a digitized version is available at http://books.google.com/books?id=q30CAAAAYAAJ)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ END PIECE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~