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Flames will perish in the seventh Sith hell.
Archive: M_A. Others please ask.
Category: Humor/Parody
Spoilers: nope.
Rating: PG (for some words)
Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon face a new menace.
Warnings: Written in a minute's heat with a dizzy head and at
23.00. p.m. Don't expect too much.
Disclaimer: George! George! All hail George! And I don't own
Mary Sue either. Anybody wants her?
Author's Notes: Inspired by the talk about the lady and
DBKate's description of her. That is also where I borrowed her
pseudo names from. (Sorry, I just liked those weird names too
much.)
And writers- don't be offended. This is just a bit too
dramatized version of Mary Sue. She lives in me as well. As in
all of us I think. Just don't let her win the fight! :))
Mistakes- mine they are not. /waves hand/ You've seen nothing.
Go ahead.
Obi-Wan slammed the door behind himself, closed his eyes and
drew out a long sight. Finally the day was at it's end, all the
work was done, and he hoped of some sweet and tender lovemaking
with his master later in the evening. Well, it doesn't have to
be sweet and tender exactly, but...
"Oh yes. Nothing better to end the day with."
Obi-Wan's eyes flew open with shock. He might even have
shrieked, but Jedi don't shriek, because we all know that this
(like everything else) leads to the Dark Side; so he just kept
his mouth shut.
A strange woman was sitting in one of the chairs, her long,
slim legs crossed, her emerald eyes gleaming in her beautiful
face framed by a long mane of silky red hair, she wore a
perfect suit made from the most perfect fabric in the whole
galaxy... she reminded everybody of the author, except that the
author was smaller, legs shorter, hair less silky and less red
and clothes less perfect, and... but that's not the point, this
is fan fiction after all, so let's move on.
"Who the Sith are you?!" Obi-Wan exclaimed.
The woman pondered that for a minute, but quickly realized this
would hurt her good reputation so she tossed the idea away.
"I'm Mary S... errr...Winter Emerald Tornado Amber Alexia
Constantinopia von Pluto De La Farge.
Long, disbelieveing glance.
"HUH???"
"Winter Emerald Tornado..."
"Nevermind! What the hell do you do in my bedroom? And how do
you know what I'm thinking? And who the fuck gave you all those
names?" he might even have said more obscenities, but Jedi
don't say obscenities, because we all know what this leads to;
so he kept his mouth shut.
The woman smiled wickedly.
"My dear. I can see what you think, I can sneak into your
bedroom, I can whammy your mind, shot lazer beams with my eyes,
make buildings crash with a wave of my hand, tell you the
lottery numbers in advance, mow your lawn in half a minute, fry
eggs with my breath, save the world, and win the elections,
and..." she stood up and began approaching Obi-Wan menacingly.
That was the point where Obi-Wan had too much.
"AHHHHH!! MAAAASTER!!!!!"
Qui-Gon, on the way back to his quarters, was fantasising
about his apprentince. His delicate body, his sweet mouth, his
sensual neck, his long and hard... but this story has to be
kept PG rated after all, so he quickly dismissed the thoughts.
Besides...we all know where too much thinking about sex leads.
So, he was on the way back to his quarters when he heard his
padawan scream with horror. He began to run towards the room
and kicked the door open like any decent hero in any decent
fanfiction would do it.
His padawan jumped on him with a shriek, not caring about where
shrieking leads to.
"Master! Rescue me!" he pointed towards the woman. "What's
that?!"
Qui-Gon eyed the woman whose head was now turning around like a
propeller, doing quantummechanical calculations with one hand
and playing the violin with the other, chanting the National
Athem to it. His eyes went wide with shock.
"Obi-Wan...this is...this is a Mary Sue!!"
"A WHAT?"
"The most dangerous creation in the universe...if she gets her
hand on one of the fanfic authors, it can turn out really bad!
She'll be the hero! She'll take over the world! We will loose
our job as the main characters!"
"You mean no more fun?"
"Nope."
"No more romantic nights, no more undercover missions where I
can be your slave; no more BDSM fantasies?"
"Exactly."
"NO MORE SEX?!?"
Mary Sue approached them with a devilish expression on her
face, laughing histerically.
"HA-HA-HA! You're right, braid boy! I'll be the star! I'll be
the one everybody reads about! Your time's up!"
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan looked at each other and simply fainted
with a thud- not the way decent fanfiction heroes would act,
but hey, we're all humans, aren't we? Besides...ah, shit, you
all know where everything leads.
Just when Mary Sue was about to take over the world, the
author's mind became clear, she kicked herself mentally and
erased her just in time with simply hitting some keys on the
computer. And Mary Sue disappeared. Never to be seen again.
And what do we learn from this? Mary Sues can be killed off.
It's not that difficult. Look at those two unconscious studs
lying on the floor. Pretty decent material to play with in a
pretty decent fanfiction. Who the hell needs Mary Sue?
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