The Man Who Loves You, part one

by Roy's Lady51

Fandom: The Phantom Menace

Pairing: Qui/Obi

Archive: Yes

Summary: AU wherein Obi Wan reacts to Qui Gon's unexpected announcement in Council the way most normal people would have. That is to say, rather poorly.

NOTE: I refuse continue to rearrange the thing when Yahoo screws up the paragraphs no matter HOW many times I try to fix it!

Disclaimer: My name ain't George…so we all know I don't own nothing worth havin'.

Obi Wan stared at his master in shock. He could not believe what he had just heard, could not for a moment believe that his master could have done this to him. But his master's closed-off expression and the stillness within their bond that offered no reassurances convinced him. His response to Qui Gon's betrayal was immediate. Later, Obi Wan would regret allowing the other man's action to cause him to sink that low, but at that particular moment in time there was no other way to answer.

" Oh really? That's news to me, after all, before we left for Naboo you told me outright that I still needed two or three years with you. Let's see, how did you put it?" His tone was sarcastic in the extreme. "Oh, yes…and I quote: "If you don't relax into your skills and allow time to gain experience, you will not have confidence in either your judgments or skills. The lack of either would result in your death…and rather early on at that, my padawan", end quote." Kenobi spat the words at the man he'd trusted with so much, for so long.

Obi Wan didn't bother to control what he was feeling – it blasted through the Training Bond with all the native power of an F5 tornado, nearly flattening the Council and brought even Yoda to his knees. Obi Wan didn't really care. Ani was the only soul in the room that he Shielded from the Emotion Storm. He wasn't looking at anyone…just through them. Tears streamed frankly down his young face when he finally looked directly at his `master'.

"Remind me, Master, why in all the Hells of the Sith I ever trusted you?" He inquired in a voice thick with pain. The lifeless, dully-voiced query hit Jinn like a blow to an unguarded gut…

Qui Gon Jinn was deathly white, still swaying under the swirling emotions Obi Wan had sent through their bond; the boy believed that his master wanted him dead and gone, fast, so he would have a clear claim to Ani. He shook his head, "Obi Wan…" he began, hesitating when he met his padawan's eyes.

:Oh Gods: Jinn thought. :No…:

The boy's eyes were hopeless…like the soul of the boy had already flown and was gone. His padawan's next words stunned the Council.

"Ani's a good kid, this ain't his fault. Yoda or Yaddle should take him. Just don't let Jinn anywhere near another child." He gave an ugly little laugh. "Three damned years from my knighting… and the asshole effectively Outcasts me. Well, I didn't do anything wrong so I'm keeping my `saber, even though I know it's damned unlikely I'll ever manage to bond to anyone else. After this, even if I wanted to, there's no way I'd be able to trust another master! He wants to get rid of me and I can't bond to anyone else…which just means I've just been royally screwed all the way around, haven't I?" His breathing was harsh; tears were thick in it…held back by the harshest control. "And I'm a fool, too. I'm stupid enough to still love that bastard anyway." He told Master Mace in a harsh tone. "I am so outta here. Don't ask where, either. I, I, I have no idea…the first transport out, I suppose."

He paused to look at Skywalker, "Stay close to the little, short, green ones like Yoda, here. There's at least one Sith out there somewhere. Maybe more than one. Any Sith would just love to get their hands on a kid who's packing the kind of power you are."

Yoda froze, considering that. He had not thought of that aspect before. "Train him I will, Padawan." He gestured to Ani, pulling him close to himself and laying on clawed hand on the child's shoulder.

"Padawan? Really? Where? If you think I'm going to trust myself to Jinn, now, you're out of your tiny little mind, Master Yoda!"

"Padawan!" Qui Gon barked out of pure reflex.

Obi Wan ignored him, instead responding to Master Mace's "KENOBI!"

"Sorry, sir, Master Mace." Obi Wan didn't sound sorry. Polite, yes…but not sorry at all. He gave the Council a short, barely- there bow and departed rapidly.

"Oh, well done, Qui Gon!" Mace asked bitterly. "HOW could you do that to him? How could any master do that to his or her padawan?" He wanted to know. Mace was disgusted…and angry. He was also hurting for the boy. "He gave you everything he had in him, how could you?"

Mace glared at him, "You'd better catch up with him…I'll take Naboo. You have a bond to repair…if possible…and a great deal of trust to try to regain. Congratulations, Jinn…I do believe you're the only master in our history to so thoroughly disgrace a padawan who didn't deserve it, in front of the Council. You're going to be famous." He leaned forward to stare at Jinn. "Just tell me this, Qui...did you enjoy the pain Xanatos put you through so much you just couldn't resist hurting Obi Wan even more?"

"NO! Of course not!"

"Obi Wan's pain flattened the rest of us and put Yoda on his little green knees, you know. Or were you too busy enjoying your newest surprise to notice that part?"

Mace's wrist com interrupted him and he turned to answer it.

He scowled…"You waited too long…apparently Kenobi meant what he said…the boy just took the first transport off-world. Your bird has already flown. We're tracking the flight, but…."

Jinn bowed his head; all he could do was wait and let the Temple's machines track and locate his young one.

Ordered out of the Council Chambers, he reluctantly went back to his quarters in a daze…and the familiar items there sent a steady stream of memories at him. And even with the ever increasing distance between them, he somehow knew that his padawan had just cried himself to sleep.

Windu entered Jinn's quarters early the next morning...he felt there was more to Qui Gon's actions than even Qui knew or suspected. The matter needed to be brought out into open, examined and dealt with.

Qui looked up at his friend's serious expression as Mace spoke.

"I've got to ask a difficult thing of you. Examining this is going to hurt, old friend. There's no way around that if what I suspect is so. And you must purge it before you see him again if it is."

"What? I know I've hurt him! He made that abundantly plain!" Qui Gon half-choked on the guilt that welled up in his throat.

"No, Qui...I don't think you do. What you did to Obi Wan was much worse than merely 'hurting' him. He is near to the same age as Xanatos was when he Turned. Are you sure you weren't still guarding yourself by ridding yourself of a potential hurt before he could become one?"

Jinn's face went ashen as the words were spoken..."Dear Force, I wouldn't have done that to my padawan...please no...."

"I think you did. I know you were unaware of the fact, Qui, but sometimes the subconscious mind is the very devil. It can make us act in ways that make no sense to anything but the ID itself. And I think that's what's going on here. Not that knowing this helps your young lad, except, perhaps to enable you to rid yourself of it and so keep from doing this sort of thing to him again."

"I've got to get to him...Mace...I must find him!"

"Qui, he'll be okay until you get there, since the Agri-Corps are present."

"You've located him."

"Yes.

Qui was anxious and impatient now to get to where Obi Wan had fled.

"He's gone to Pinela 8."

"Pinela 8?" He exclaimed. "That's still being terraformed! It's still uninhabitable!"

"No, it's habitable...the corps is living on the surface now...have been for almost a year. True, the vegetation is allowed to grow where and how it likes...which is everywhere, but it's fit for human habitation. It's a pure-human strain that's paying for the terraforming, so it better be!" Mace paused. "But there's been a crisis...and your padawan walked straight into it. He dealt with it: they gave him little if any choice to do so with finality. But those who await my arrival say he saw to their needs then took to the bush. He didn't take any supplies. Half the council has to go take care of the iniates that went unchosen. The civilian contractors were doing heinous things to them once the Temple had taken away their 'sabers. Kenobi was forced...by the contractors...to kill the contractors. They were selling the prettiest of the kids to the Hutts as slaves." Mace's voice was thick with horror at the thought that the same children he had once taught when young had be victimized in such a way. "The youngest of the children were returned to the Temple on his orders...addressed to the Mindhealers. It's on their orders that we're going out there."

"He faced that alone because I hurt him so badly he ran from me." Qui Gon's expression froze Mace's blood. "What can I say to him? How do I...why would he even listen?"

"Because he loves you, you idiot! When you caught up with Tahl's murderer, he was waiting on your choice, if you had Turned, he stood ready to follow you out of love. What more proof do you need?" Mace barked. "And I know this, because he told the Council during one of the private interviews we had with him during his Probation!"

":Gods, my poor padawan!: Qui gon mourned silently. "What have I done?" Qui finally whispered. "What have I done to my poor lad?"

"Besides shattering his world, you mean?" Mace answered sarcastically. "I think you managed to shatter him too, utterly. And you're the only person in the universe who can put it back together again. And I'm not at all sure you can, either."

"I've got to."

"I know you do. But even Yoda says the end of the matter is hidden from him...the Force refuses to answer. Perhaps because of the Children, to which this latest infraction was added. We're supposed to protect those who are not taken as padawans, you know. And we, the Order, I mean, failed them sadly. The mindhealers aren't sure if some of them will ever recover fully."

"I've got to find a transport. I've got to go, Mace, I cannot just sit here while my Obi Wan is going through Force-knows-what...."

"I know, Qui...we've got a two man transport with a small mechanical medi-bay. It's fueling right now...you'll need to pack some clothes for him...I don't think he took anything with him."

"Damn! He hasn't forgotten to take supplies or equipment in years!"

"I don't think he forgot...I think he decided to say to hell with it. All he took was the 'saber and what he was wearing. I seriously doubt the pilot even knew he was onboard."

"So do I." Qui's voice was harsh and hoarse. His big hands didn't pack anything neatly...he was only interested in getting the needed items in the pack...and a little Force managed that without Jinn having to waste time folding things.

Pinela 8 was a rough, wild place: Vegetation grew where it would, the planet's oceans churned under massive hurricanes and boiled in the places where the red-hot cones of active volcanoes split the oceanic floor. It's huge, empty plains had been made at the order of eyes and soul that had yet to see or touch them, It's marshes steamed in the heat of mid-summer while its mountains put forth forage for creatures that were not yet in residence.

And the Force was so strong in the varied wilderness types here! No that the corrupted civilian overseers were dead and the children were safe, young Kenobi felt no reason to remain in the area. He wanted to put as much distance between himself and the soon-to-be arriving Jedi from the main temple.

Pity from former friends wasn't something that he needed, wanted or would tolerate. So, Obi Wan busied himself with his own disappearance. Of course, that did not mean that he was unaware of his Qui Gon's arrival or his continued presence. It mean only that as much as he'd like to be rid of the constant reminder of the cause and source of his hurt, that only his master could actually break the Training Bond and that for some reason that the man had not yet done so.

Still, it let Obi Wan pinpoint his master's physical location; by doing so he was able to deliberately and religiously maintain a good twenty miles or so between himself and Qui Gon Jinn. It wasn't easy either, to defy the training of a lifetime and ignore his master's soft, gentle mental voice as it pleaded with him to come back. If his training and his aching heard bade him to obey that voice, then the new distrust, the hurt and the fact that Qui had betrayed him in the most public ally humiliating way possible bade him not to.

Unfortunately for them both, 'not to' won.

Some days, when the vegetation was particularly dense, Qui got fairly close to him. On others, Obi managed to put the full twenty between them. The stressed bond got too painful to endure or Obi would have added far more. The closely growing vegetation slowed his master down, but it didn't stop the man. It wouldn't, Obi Wan knew better than that.

"SITH-HELLS, he's got what he wanted, didn't he? He got rid of me...as if he ever wanted me to begin with. Why won't he leave me alone and just let me go?" He muttered.

Then came the day when Obi Wan left the jungles and swamps and found himself at the edge of a sun-baked plain. If he went across this, Jinn would catch up...if he stayed here, Jinn would catch up but he would do it sooner.

Grimly, Obi Wan went. True, he was so filthy that by now he blended in with his new surroundings nicely, but there were more things to consider. Things that in his haste to get away he had not considered, which he had still not considered. Things like food and water, shelter and the means to make fire. Days on end had passed during which he had pushed himself past even the ability to think. This was taking it's toll on the boy. Thirst, starvation and fatigue...bone deep exhaustion in fact was wearing him down.

Obi Wan hadn't noticed, nor would he have cared if he had. He kept going.

Jinn had noticed, and he was worried as well as heartsore over what he'd done to the fleeing youth. The Jedi had not known that it was even possible for himself to hurt someone as badly as he had apparently hurt his Obi Wan. It was his fault that his padawan had fled, his fault that the lad had walked unprepared into that...abomination...back there. While his arrival had been the salvation of the children, that arrival had been utterly without support.

Qui Gon keenly felt the truth of Obi Wan's accusations in the Temple...the boy wasn't ready. If anything, he was now even less ready than before he and his padawan had departed for Naboo. The boy's faith in himself was gone, his faith in his master was gone, his faith in the Order was badly shaken, and perhaps...even distrusted the CODE.

"Masters," The tall Jedi told himself as his long stride covered the arid plains quickly, "Do not cast a padawan aside without due and just cause. Masters do not so violate the Bond in such a way! Masters do not 'trade' in their current padawan for a new, younger, more powerful 'model' just because one's available!"

Yet, that's exactly what he had done. No longer did his padawan behave like a padawan, now Obi Wan was behaving like a heartbroken child. He had done nothing wrong, after all. He had committed no sin, yet in front of the council he had been shamed and cast aside..."How could I? How could I have done that to him? HOW?"

"SITH-HELLS, he's got what he wanted, didn't he? He got rid of me...as if he ever wanted me to begin with. Why won't he leave me alone and just let me go?" He muttered.

Things like food and water, shelter and the means to make fire. Days on end had passed during which he had pushed himself past even the ability to think. This was taking its toll on the boy. Thirst, starvation and fatigue...bone deep exhaustion in fact was wearing him down.

Obi Wan hadn't noticed, nor would he have cared if he had. He kept going.

Jinn had noticed, and he was worried as well as heart sore over what he'd done to the fleeing youth. The Jedi had not known that it was even possible for himself to hurt someone as badly as he had apparently hurt his Obi Wan. It was his fault that his padawan had fled, his fault that the lad had walked unprepared into that...abomination...back there. While his arrival had been the salvation of the children, that arrival had been utterly without support.

Yet, that's exactly what he had done. The boy...for he no longer behaved like a padawan, or even a young man...now Obi Wan was behaving like a heartbroken child. His young one had done nothing wrong, after all. He had committed no sin, yet in front of the council he had been shamed and cast aside...and by the very man he had counted on to protect him! Qui Gon had made a mockery of the bond that they shared...the bond was weak now, strained almost to the breaking point by Jinn's actions.

Yet it was still there, if greatly depleted.

How could I? How could I have done that to him? How?

With the trust and care of his padawan thrown away had come a lesson as to why, precisely, the Code so insistently tried to protect those bonds. Jinn was well nigh positive that Obi Wan's trust in the force itself was damaged as well, since Obi Wan had not reached for the strength of the Force, it's guidance, or it's aid since making planetfall. This was painfully obvious since his endurance was failing fast.

Obi Wan was sense-blinded by hunger and thirst, by fatigue, a nameless drive to flee, by the baking heat of the dry, arid plains he now crossed. He could no longer remember why he fled, only that he desperately did not wish to be captured by whatever horror lay on his back-trail. He was nearly naked and what was left of his tattered clothing hung on his stick-thin body like limp ribbons. He was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe, too, as the rainless, waterless environment sucked the moisture from his lungs drying them out. He had stopped producing sweat days ago and now his internal organs were beginning to shut down and cease to function. Cresting a low hill, Obi Wan finally collapsed: He did not move again.

That was what Qui Gon found at the end of the trail. The boy was damned near dead when his master lifted him into trembling arms, openly sobbing over the boy as he reported their co-ordinates to Mace who was back at Agri-Corp's Base Camp with several other Jedi attempting to rectify matters there.

Windu came to retrieve the two himself, in a small ship with in- system capabilities as well as interstellar. He brought medical personnel, supplies for a permanent camp for the two left above but near the high-water mark of the river Obi Wan had been unable to reach and an on-board bacta tank. Fluids were the first vital need for the comatose boy. Several IV's were inserted to flood Obi Wan's depleted body with precious liquid. One bag held liquefied nutrients to feed the boy.

"Are you happy now, Qui? Looks to me like Obi Wan did his level best to kill himself...the hard way." Mace Windu was not happy with Master Jinn.

"NO! You know better!" He refused to look at Windu.

"Do I? Well, perhaps so. But, I am not the one who needs to be convinced. What does it mean to be loved this much, I wonder?"

"I know." Qui Gon's bowed head raised to reveal wet eyes and a stricken face. "Gods, how I've hurt him!"

"NO, Qui. What you did was far worse."

"What? I know I've hurt him! He made that abundantly plain!" Qui Gon half-choked on the guilt that welled up in his throat.

Windu felt there was more to Qui Gon's actions than even Qui knew or suspected. The matter needed to be brought out into open, examined and dealt with.

"He is very near to the same age that Xanatos was when he Turned to the Dark Side of the Force. The Mindhealers that caught the edges of this padawan's Emotion Storm in the Council Chambers immediately checked everybody who was present at the time to find out who was the source of that much pain. They reported that you were still trying to guard yourself against hurt of that kind...and so devastated Obi Wan in an effort to protect yourself. They also think you were entirely unaware of the actual reason you cast him aside in favor of Anakin." Mace said heavily.

Qui Gon's face turned deathly white. "No...tell me I haven't done that, Mace. Please!"

But Mace didn't...couldn't reassure his year-mate and so remained silent. "I think you did. I also think that you were unaware of the fact, Qui, but sometimes the subconscious mind can be the very devil. It can make us act in ways that make no sense to anything but anything but itself. And I think that's exactly what happened in there. Not that knowing this helps your, padawan at all, except, perhaps to enable you to rid yourself of it and so keep from doing this sort of thing to him again. You dealt the blow, it is for you to heal the wound...if it can be. When is the last time that you know of that he touched the Force once he left the abomination Agri-Corps had claimed as 'normal'?"

"He hasn't: Not even once. He's barely even touched the training bond...and that was so he knew where I was so he could avoid me. My gods, Mace...what the hell have I done?" He whispered as he stepped forward to the battered boy now submerged in the bacta. "I'll make it right. It's not in the Code, but if losing me hurts him this damned much...he's never going to have to lose me at all. Not upon knighting, not on mission...never. You Councilors never separate lifebonded couples anyway."

"You're going to initiate one, aren't you?" Windu frowned, then sighed in exasperation.

"Damned right I am! I love him...and there is the fact, that now there is precious little else that would convince him." Jinn's voice was still soft, but stubbornly determined. "Is there?"

"No, you're right." He sighed in resignation. "Therefore, as the ranking Council Representative on Pinela 8, I officially give you permission to do so. Once he's out of bacta and is still disoriented, I suggest you get it done quickly! No sense making him feel more used than he already does...get that Lifebond set so he has it's reassurance present when he wakes." Mace glared at him, then. "No more padawans for you, Qui...not unless you share the mastering duties with Obi Wan when he's old enough. AND let him pick the child to train.! Not after this debacle!"

"It's going to be several more hours before he wakes, Master Jinn." An annoyed Healer told Qui Gon. "Do NOT leave his side until he has, even if you have to sleep with the boy!" She told him caustically as she packed up her supplies and sent a worried look toward the thin, still figure on a large floor pallet in Qui Gon's deluxe-sized survival tent. "He'll need constant nursing for the next three or four weeks, at the very least."

"I know, Healer. He'll have it." Qui answered quietly from where he lay half-curled around Obi's still silent form.

"Better if you had given him the care and love he needed from you for so very long to begin with!" she snapped. "You have no idea just how disappointed I am in you!"

"No moreso than I am in myself." He told her hoarsely in a voice thick with unshed tears. My actions almost...."

She snorted in disgust but offered no comfort to the hurting man, only departing without further comment.

Qui Gon's vigil was not an easy one, for all that there was little to do but wait. He'd mended the strained Training Bond and altered it into the permanent braid of a Lifebond. He was glad, for once, that the original bond was so very deep. So very strong. He offered up all of himself in the building of the Lifebond only to find that Obi Wan's half was already present...already there for him to see, touch and own. He winced as the boy's subconscious mind probed his offering as though searching out a cruel trick or joke on his master's part before accepting Qui Gon's gift of himself. It hurt Jinn to know that even in a sleep that was so deep it was almost...not quite, but still nearly a full coma, that Obi Wan was still suspicious of his master's motives. His young one was frightened of him, too, now...and that hurt more than anything else had since he had found Obi Wan's crumpled, battered form on that damned hill!

~TBC~