Summary: Set before Obi-Wan becomes a Padawan, this tells
another silly story of how Qui-Gon came to be his
Master.
Feedback: Love it!
Disclaimer: We all know you own them, George. Just don't expect
us to like it.
Author's Note: This is the second story in a series (yes, I've
just decided it's a series, just now g), of Fairy Tale
Jedi stories, all that will focus on the many silly ways that
Obi-Wan could become Qui-Gon's apprentice.
Obi-Wan sighed for the one hundred and fifteenth time that day,
as he trudged his way through the swamplands on his way to see
his Grandpa Yoda. Yoda had long retired back to this
uninhabitable (well, according to Obi-Wan, anyway) land, and
was living in a little mud hut in the midst of it all.
"Oh, why oh why does he have to live out here?!" sighed Obi-Wan
cutely. "Doesn't he know how swamp mud affects my skin tone?"
He brushed some more sludge off his robes. "Oh, well," he
continued. "I do want to be a Jedi one day so I suppose
I must see the best in every situation!"
And with that, he skipped off happily further into the green
and brown muck, whistling cheerily. Suddenly the woods closed
in on him and he felt alone and frightened. The path narrowed,
and imaginary eyes and claws grew on every branch and trunk of
every tree in sight.
"Eeek!" he squeaked, hugging the teddy bear Qui-Gon had lent
him, close to his heart.
"It's ok, Booboo!" he whispered to the teddy bear. "We'll
comfort each other, ok?"
On Obi-Wan went, through the dark trees and shadowy paths,
until suddenly he heard a twig snap behind him. He froze.
"Who's there?" he squeaked.
"Fear is the path to the Dark Side, little boy," said a low,
nightmare-inducing voice, ignoring Obi-Wan's question.
Slowly the young man pulled himself together enough to turn
around.
"EEEEK!"
Staring him in the face was the menacing figure of a red and
black skinned creature. Obi-Wan trembled in his boots, but then
remembered what the creature had just told him. Fear was the
path to the Dark Side. If he was going to become a Jedi he must
face his fears. He pulled himself together and quickly stuffing
Booboo back into his backpack.
"What...or who are you?" he asked, with barely a tremor in his
voice. The creature, just a little put off at not being able to
scare the boy to insanity, growled.
"I am Maul, a warrior of the Sith," he answered. "Who are you?"
Obi-Wan, deciding that it would just be rude of him to be
prejudiced against Maul purely because he looked like the spawn
of Satan himself, decided his next best move would be to make
friends.
"Hi! I'm Obi-Wan!" he chirped. "I'm on my way to my Grandfather
Yoda's house to deliver him a basket of goodies."
Maul opened his mouth to inform the boy that he didn't really
care what the boy's actions were for the day as he was going to
kill him anyway, but suddenly his brain caught up with him.
"Grandfather Yoda?!" he exclaimed with an incredulous
look.
"Well, yes," said Obi-Wan blushing slightly. "He's not my
real grandfather of course, but he's been a friend of
the family for so long that...well...I kinda call him that..."
Maul stared at him intently, causing Obi-Wan's blush to turn
deep crimson.
"Uhh..." started the poor boy, his brain a little slower on the
uptake than Maul's. "Did you just say you were a Sith?"
"Yes."
"But aren't the Sith, evil hateful beings who follow the Dark
Side of the Force and have been extinct for a thousand years?"
"So? You're not going to be rude to me purely because I hold
different beliefs to you and I'm not meant to exist, are you?
That would be very un-Jedi."
Obi-Wan pondered Maul's reasoning.
"Oh. I suppose you're right, then," he admitted. "Well, it's
been nice meeting you Maul, but I really better be on my way
now, or Grandpa Yoda will start worrying."
Maul put an arm in front of Obi-Wan as he started to leave.
"Just one more thing, little boy," he asked in as innocent a
tone as a Sith can muster. "Where does your...Grandfather Yoda
live, exactly?"
"Oh, in the middle of the crop of Gareh trees past those really
murky swamps over there," Obi-Wan answered.
Maul nodded and quickly sped off into the cover of the trees.
Obi-Wan stood still for a moment, shook his head to clear his
thoughts, and continued on his way, feeling a little safer now
that he knew there was that lovely Sith out there to help him
if he got lost.
Ten minutes later, at the door to Yoda's hut...
"Little Jedi, little Jedi, let me in!"
Yoda shook his head sadly, as he stood up from his place at his
nice warm fire. He was sure he'd heard that line before and he
was quite positive it didn't belong in this context.
"Coming I am!" he yelled through the door, as he hobbled his
way over. Cold is my soup going to be he thought to
himself, as he pulled open the door reluctantly. Suddenly a
huge black cloaked creature whipped out a rather impressive
looking, double-sided light saber and stabbed him thought the
chest. Yoda looked down at the gaping hole in surprise.
"Buggered I am," he mumbled, falling down to the ground. "Saw
that coming, I should have had. Last time I focus all the Force
on cooking my lunch, this is."
Maul stepped through the door and kicked the shriveled figure
of the Jedi Master over into the corner of the tiny hut and
threw a blanket over him. Slowly a grin spread across his face
and he began to stand up to puff his chest out in victory.
"OWW!"
Ducking down again, he clutched at his now slightly flattened
horns.
"Damn bloody low roof!" he swore to the room in general.
But the victory far surpassed the pain. Sidious would be so
proud of him. He'd killed Yoda! All by himself! Drunk with
pride and success, Maul willingly let his ego take over his
actions.
"I will kill the Jedi hopeful when he comes, too!" he
pronounced out loud. "I will fool him and kill him and victory
will be mine!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaAAAA!!!"
Suddenly there was a knocking at the door to the hut, and Maul
grudgingly stopped his bout of I'm-a-Sith-Lord-Hear-Me-Roar.
"Yes?" he growled.
There was a pause on the other side of the door and then a
slightly confused voice spoke.
"Ummm...Grandpa Yoda? Is that you?"
Maul's head snapped around as he looked desperately for a means
of putting his plan to kill the boy into action. Suddenly, the
boy behind the door spoke again, tentatively, mistaking the
silence for non-recognition.
"Uh, Grandpa Yoda? It's me, Obi-Wan... I'm here with a basket
of goodies for you..."
"Yes! Yes! Hear you I do!" yelled Maul, in a pretty poor
attempt at imitating Yoda. "Coming I am!"
In one swift movement, he unlocked the door and then made an
impressive dive across the room and into Yoda's little bed. He
didn't even slightly fit, but he made a spirited attempt at
squashing himself into a fetal position to manage it anyway. He
heard Obi-Wan slowly push the door open, and at that moment he
realised he needed something to cover his head. He quickly
grabbed a shawl and wrapped it old-granny style around his
head.
"In here, I am, dear boy," he said to Obi-Wan who was standing
still just in the door. Obi-Wan wandered in and placed the
basket of goodies on the nearby bench, his back to Maul.
"I brought you these, Grandpa Yoda. I hope you like them," he
babbled as he unpacked the basket.
"Good, little boy. Come to me, you must," encouraged Maul,
gnashing his teeth ever so slightly. In a small corner of his
mind a little voice was trying to ask him why he was even
bothering with the charade, but he ignored it on the general
principle that it usually was trying to get him to admit things
he was happily in denial about.
But at that moment his mental ramblings were drowned out by a
screech from Obi-Wan as the boy turned towards the bed.
"Grandpa!" he exclaimed. "What happened to your face?!"
Maul suddenly remembered that the shawl wasn't covering his
uniquely-coloured skin.
"Err...measles, I have. Or pimples. Or Chicken Pox," he
stammered, hoping the boy would continue being as naive as he
had been to this point.
Obi-Wan stared at him strangely.
"But aren't they conditions only found in a galaxy far, far
away?" he asked.
"Err, yes, they are that. But traveling far and wide, I have
been," replied Maul.
"What now?!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "At your age?! You can
hardly get from one side of the room to the other!"
The boy, full of concern for his aging Grandfather's health,
rushed over to the bed and wrapped his arms around the poor
Sith. He looked up into Maul's face.
"My, what big teeth you have, Grandpa!" he exclaimed in shock.
Maul grinned widely, slowly sitting up to grab a tight hold on
the boy. As he did so, the shawl covering his head fell to his
shoulders.
"My! What big...horns...you have!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, suddenly
getting a disturbing feeling that something was wrong.
Maul threw the rest of the blankets off himself and reached for
his weapon.
"My! What a big light saber you have!" exclaimed Obi-Wan,
staring at the Sith's weapon with interest.
Maul's ego overtook him momentarily.
"You know, I have the biggest light saber out of all in the
galaxy," he boasted smugly, as he pulled the boy closer towards
him to take his kill.
"Really!" gasped Obi-Wan, extremely impressed, and
unfortunately still not seeing the danger he was in.
"Can I hold it?" he asked tentatively, slowly reaching for
where the Sith's weapon was still resting at his waist. But
before Maul could object, or (as the small corner of his mind
accused) enjoy the boy's exploration of his impressively-sized
light saber, the door to Yoda's hut flew off its hinges and in
strode the huge hulking figure of a Jedi Master.
"OWW!! Dammit!!" yelled the Jedi as his head hit the roof of
Yoda's hut. Maul smirked evilly, but before he could begin
making teasing remarks, the Jedi gathered himself together,
switched on his light saber and had the weapon at Maul's throat
before the Sith could even move.
"Oh. Shit."
Maul, in an impressive show of Force-induced skill, pulled
himself back from the weapon, twisted around, and crashed
through the side of the hut, leaving a Maul-shaped impression
of himself in his wake.
A few moments passed as Obi-Wan and the Jedi Master stood
staring out the hole in shock. Finally, upon noticing Obi-Wan's
stare had turned towards him, the Jedi thought it was time for
him to speak.
"Are you hurt?" he asked, sitting down smoothly next to the
stunned young man. Obi-Wan shook his head as he stared at his
hero in awe.
"He was going to kill me, wasn't he?!" he gasped cutely, taking
advantage of the opportunity to lean over and cling to the
strong, protective form next to him.
"You must be Obi-Wan," continued the man, stroking the boy's
hair. "I am Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master. I was on my way to visit
Yoda and as I looked through the window I noticed you in here
with that creature. I didn't think much of it until I noticed
how close he had moved to you...and heard you become impressed
by his...light saber..."
Obi-Wan blushed pink.
"And you were...jealous...?" he almost whispered, a hopeful
edge to his voice.
Qui-Gon opened his mouth to deny that he would have been
willing to kill a complete stranger purely because he wanted
Obi-Wan for himself, regardless of the fact he had never seen
the boy before in his life. But the words never came out, as,
upon looking down at the boy clinging to him and staring at him
with wide, love-filled hero-worshipping eyes, he thought a
change of tactic was necessary.
"Why, yes," he said, his voice deepening a few octaves. "Yes, I
bravely fought of that ferocious monster as I knew I wanted you
as my own.... I mean I knew we would be better off together in
a mutual, loving relationship."
"Smooth, you are, when flirting you do," muttered a sarcastic
voice in the corner of the room.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon both snapped their heads around in shock.
"Yoda!" they exclaimed in unison.
"Yes, I it is," admitted the small Jedi Master as he hobbled
over the room towards the two men.
"But...where were you? What happened to you?" questioned
Obi-Wan in concern.
"Killed I was, by impatient creature," Yoda answered, with a
shrug of his shoulders.
Qui-Gon decided it was up to him to state the obvious.
"You're not dead, Master Yoda."
"Yes, Yes. Aware of that, I am," muttered the Jedi Master with
a roll of his eyes. "But when stab me he did, disappear I did
not. Disappear, Jedi do, when they die. Silly Billy you must
be, if know that you do not."
Qui-Gon opened and shut his mouth a few times before he spoke
again.
"So like," he said slowly, "even if a Jedi was, oh I don't
know, cremated, then he still wouldn't be dead because
he didn't disappear."
"True that is," replied Yoda. "You asked, for what reason?"
Qui-Gon opened his mouth to speak once again, but realised he
didn't have an answer.
"Uh...I have no idea...For some reason I felt that was
something I should note."
"Anyway," interrupted Obi-Wan, who'd suddenly felt that the
attention had been off him too long. "Everything's fine now, so
how about we all start lunch as I did bring my basket of
goodies." He looked coyly at Qui-Gon. "I do so hope you'll
stay, as, well...you did save my life...and...I'd like
to repay you...anyway you see fit..."
Qui-Gon involuntarily gulped as he saw the suggested meaning
clearly reflected in the boy's lust-filled eyes.
"Gggaaa..." he nodded. "I think...I can definitely
stay."
"Oh, goodie!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, clapping his hands in joy, and
pulling the elder man over to a seat. "You know, I'm planning
on becoming a Jedi Master, myself, you know," he told Qui-Gon,
as he plonked down firmly on the Jedi's lap.
"Really...?" said Qui-Gon, wrapping his huge arms around the
boy.
"Yes!" answered Obi-Wan happily. "You know...I could become one
right now...if I could just find myself a Master..."
Qui-Gon gulped again as Obi-Wan punctuated his words by slowly
walking his fingers down the Jedi's chest...lower and lower...
"You know..." said Qui-Gon, his voice slightly shaky. "I think
I just might know of someone who'd really like to be
your Master..."
"Really?" said Obi-Wan, his cute little innocent act
disappearing suddenly, as his hand reached Qui-Gon's belt. "Do
you think he'd let me hold his light saber...?"
Qui-Gon shivered. "Oh, I definitely think he'd let you," he
replied. "I think you'd find his...light saber...to your
tastes..." he added. "Many have said it's rather big and
impressive..."
Obi-Wan smirked as he grabbed hold of his goal.
"Oooo!" he exclaimed. "It sure is big!! And I bet, as a Jedi
Master, you sure know how to use it to the best of your
abilities, huh?"
Qui-Gon nodded. His brain decided it was long past the time
when all non-important functions should be shut down, vocal
cords included.
"Then decided it is, Padawan you have," stated Yoda suddenly,
interrupting the courting ritual taking place in his living
room. "Not a total disaster, this day have been."
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan nodded happily, not even bothering to look
at the little Jedi as they did so.
"But put off I am, for dying so easily," continued Yoda, still
unaware that the other two occupants of the room were
blissfully trying to ignore him while disrobing each other.
"Oh, don't worry, Grandpa Yoda," mumbled Obi-Wan, as he ran his
hands in underneath Qui-Gon's tunic. "He did tell me that he
was a Sith, so it's not like it was just anyone who beat
you."
"A SITH??!!" yelled Yoda and Qui-Gon in unison, the latter
standing up so suddenly that not only did he hit his head on
the roof for the second time, but also managed to smash his new
Padawan's head too as the boy was still clinging on to him,
arms around his neck.
"Well, yes...that's what he said..." admitted Obi-Wan, trying
to pull his new Master over to Yoda's little bed.
There was a moment of silence as neither of the Jedi Master's
moved, but then suddenly a relieved grin broke out on Yoda's
face.
"Lied he must have had. Sith he could not be. Extinct they all
are."
Qui-Gon contemplated this, and then burst out in a relieved
laugh.
"Yes! Of course! Sith don't exist, silly boy!" he said to
Obi-Wan, as he managed to rid the boy of his trousers. "I think
I'm going to have to punish you for suggesting such things," he
added as he pushed the boy, stomach down, onto Yoda's tiny bed.
Yoda took to hint. He sighed and grabbed his walking cane and
wandered out of his hut. He turned back for a moment to shake
his head at the rhythmic thumping sounds that had begun.
"Learn nothing they will, if that they do all day," he
muttered.
But inside the hut, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn had
different thoughts on the matter, as the elder Jedi began
teaching his student a first lesson...in non-verbal
communication.
...and lesson after lesson followed in years to come, as they
lived happily ever after.
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