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Fandom: Star Wars

Disclaimers: Text, characters, and dialog borrowed respectfully from Jude Watson from Jedi Apprentice #8, used to give us a view of what Jude didn't tell us.

Archive: MA

Category: Qui/Xanatos,Non Q/O

Warning: Canon character death

Pairing: Xanatos/Qui-Gon

Spoilers: Jedi Apprentice 8

Rating: PG-13

Summary: The end event of JA 8 seen through Xanatos's eyes.

Feedback: Yes, off list

Author's website: http://elektra.wrongness.net/

"You will never have the satisfaction of killing me, Qui-Gon Jinn," Xanatos said softly. His eyes wandered momentarily over to where Andra and Den trained their blasters upon him. His mouth quirked in a rueful smile. "And I will never submit to anyone's laws."

Xanatos's gaze returned to Qui-Gon, and now his smile grew sad. His voice lowered, quivering on the edge of hearing. "Your hate drove you, though you won't admit it. You destroyed me because you couldn't save me." Xanatos opened his arms as though for an embrace, but his words were cold. "I am your biggest failure. Live with that. And live with this."

Xanatos's face broke into a wide-stretching, cruel smile. He took two quick steps backwards and, with a bunching of muscles, launched himself into the air above the black-boiling acid pool. Time seemed to slow as he felt himself flying through the air. The last thing he saw was Qui-Gon Jinn rushing forward to stop his suicide. The last thing he heard was his old master's voice crying out in surprise--and what he hoped was grief.

"No!"

The single shout stayed with him as Xanatos tilted his head back and was embraced by the shadows.

Xanatos's body felt unnaturally warm, but it was not an uncomfortable warmth. It was like being wrapped tight in strong arms, or thick blankets, or beautiful music, or a hot bath. It felt like comfort. Safety.

He opened his eyes slowly, lazily, afraid that moving too fast would break the spell he was under. The lights were low and flickering, and once his eyes cleared he made out the wispy shapes of candles positioned all around him. The area outside the circle of light was dark and obscure, and something within him told him not to look too deeply into the shadows. He'd had enough of shadows during his life.

Xanatos moved his head to the side, staring deeply at one of the nearby candles. It was white, and its soft yellow light was reflected all around him like stars on a lake. He felt disconnected from his body, which he couldn't see in the thick, inky darkness surrounding him. Tentatively he tested his arms and legs. He was not bound by any means. A toe broke the surface of the flat candle-lit blanket covering him, and he became fully aware that he was floating in a large tub of water. The temperate liquid embraced his naked body, hugging every angle and curve, holding him steady and sure in insubstantial arms. Only his head remained above the water line.

He couldn't remember how he had gotten here. Where ever 'here' was. Xanatos closed his eyes again, turning inward as he searched his memories for the answers. He had been... Home. Telos. Qui-Gon was there, and that annoying little boy of his. Obi-Wan. They were... Chasing. Chasing him. They fought. He was losing. Blasters. Black pool. Escape. He jumped into the acid. Qui-Gon was running towards him. The acid. ACID!

With a shocked gasp, Xanatos's eyes opened. His arms and legs jerked into action as he looked down at his body, touched his chest with his hands, kicked up out of the water. He should be dead. He should have been consumed by the acidic water. He should have at least been horribly scarred. But there wasn't a mark on his body from the corrosive pool. Qui-Gon Jinn had saved him. His hands traveled up from his smooth chest to his face. Everything was still there, even the ragged burn-scar on his right cheek. He was alive, and safe, and in a bath tub, and more than a little scared.

"Where in the galaxy am I?"

"Coruscant."

The soft voice came from behind Xanatos, startling him. In alarm, he spun in the water, instantly moving into a defensive stance. His violent thrashing splashed water onto the candles directly behind him, and their flames sputtered out of existence with a sizzling sigh.

Xanatos peered into the shadows beyond the broken ring of light, but he couldn't make out anything in the darkness. "Who are you?"

His hearing, sharpened by the darkness, picked up the sounds of movement even though his eyes couldn't see. "You know who I am." The disembodied voice was deep and resonant, somewhat patronizing and all together patient and concerned. It echoed with a soft accent that was familiar to Xanatos. Indeed, he did know this voice.

"Master?" He didn't mean to call out the old title, didn't mean to have his voice sound so young and small.

"Yes, Xanatos." It seemed the room shuddered and the air became thick with tension as the shadows gave birth to the tall frame of his former master, Qui-Gon Jinn. Like Xanatos, he was naked, and the golden light made his body look like a gilt statue made of soft stone.

Instinctively Xanatos floated himself to the far side of the pool, away from his enemy. He tried to rise out of the bath, but he couldn't kick hard enough to get more than his neck out of the water. He was on Coruscant, in a bath, naked, with Qui-Gon standing over him. "Well, this is an odd sort of punishment," he said, trying to turn his words wryly to hide his fear. "So, I am your prisoner, Qui-Gon?"

"No." Qui-Gon shook his head. The long, loose cascade of brown hair shimmered around his face. It was the same length as Xanatos remembered it being in his youthful days of apprenticing to this man, but now there were silvery streaks flowing through it, breaking up the soft soil-colored brown like rivers through rich farmland.

Xanatos shook his head to break his dreamy concentration upon the sparkling strands. Qui-Gon smiled gently and stepped forward. It was mesmerizing, the way his body moved with inborn grace as Qui-Gon ascended invisible steps to the lip of the pool. Like an animal, or a predator bird swooping upon his prey. He descended into the water just as smoothly, hardly creating a ripple as his large body sank into the bath. Xanatos could feel the weight of his presence in the water, and sharp stab of fear.

"Are you going to kill me?" His legs swung free in the deep recesses of the tub while he kicked and scrambled backwards. The smooth side slid like a cold snake against his back, and he couldn't get purchase enough to climb out as he tried to escape the slowly advancing Jedi Master. Xanatos was acutely aware of his vulnerability, his nakedness, his overwhelming panic. He was surprised to realize that it wasn't hate that he felt towards the man who murdered his father; it was fear.

"I could never kill you, Xanatos." Qui-Gon spoke barely above a whisper, his words thick with emotions he didn't even try to hide. He halved the distance of the pool, standing in the direct center of the circle of candles. It seemed without effort he floated with his chest above the water, even as Xanatos kicked his feet hard to keep his head from dipping below the surface. "I didn't want to kill Crion," he confessed, his shadowed eyes glinting mournfully in the flickering light, "but he gave me no choice. I could not let a planet die because of his greed. I never meant to hurt you, Xanatos." Qui-Gon held out a hand to Xanatos, pleading without words. "You must know this."

Xanatos did. Somewhere inside, buried beneath years of fear and anger, Xanatos knew that Qui-Gon never meant to hurt him--could never hurt him--and that what his master said was true. But that small light of truth was almost completely swallowed by the shadows that clung to Xanatos's every thought. "No," he moaned, fighting an inner battle.

"Yes, Xanatos. Yes." Qui-Gon didn't move, but it felt to Xanatos that the man was suddenly towering over him, around him, surrounding him with his light. "I am sorry that you had to witness it. I am sorry that I left you to deal with it on your own. I should have tried harder to find you, and save you." His dark eyes shimmered, but not from the glow of the candles. Long streaks of tears ran down his cheeks, painting his face with golden wetness. "You were young, frightened, confused."

Xanatos's heart beat slow and hard in his chest, making his body ache with its rhythm. "No, Master. I was angry. I was blind to what I was doing. Pleasing my father was all I could think about." He pushed off the side of the pool, inching forward in the water. "I thought you had stolen something from me when you took me to the Temple. I was wrong. You had given me a life that was worth living." Xanatos floated a little closer. His mind was working clearly for the first time in years as the shadows finally cleared. "I threw it away for a life that was wealthy, but worthless. I understand that now."

Slowly, out of the dark of the water, Xanatos raised his hand. It broke the surface like the head of a great sea serpent, reaching out to Qui-Gon's extended hand without touching. Liquid light covered his skin like a shimmering glove. A hand that was covered with blood and death and fear. "I was so afraid, Master. I didn't know what to do. Everything happened so fast--I was lost." His words rushed out on a dark tide of regret and sorrow as the full significance of his dark years flooded the caverns of his mind. "It was so dark. Once I started--once I killed--it--I couldn't control it. I couldn't find my way out. It just got darker and I was so scared and I couldn't stop and everything fell apart--" Xanatos stopped speaking, unable to find words among his horror and anger at what he had done. At what he had done.

Everything around them seemed to vanish until it was just Xanatos, the shadows, and Qui-Gon. For several minutes, the air was filled with the quiet sounds of Xanatos's tears. For once he wasn't grieving for himself, but for those he had betrayed, murdered, used up and tossed away. He wept in condemnation of himself. He had many tears to shed, for he had destroyed many lives. The weight of his actions pulled on his soul, and his tears filled the tub until he was up to his chin in water. Tiny waves, kicked up by his efforts to stay afloat, licked at his salty lips as he gulped for air. He couldn't seem to be able to swim out of it, and he was getting so tired of trying.

"It was my fault. I'm sorry," he whispered before the water closed over his head. The water felt thick, like a live thing, as it covered his face. It wiggled under his eyelids, stinging his salt-worn eyes, and clogged his nose. His hand, still extended out of the water, felt cold in contrast to the hot depths he was slowly sinking into. Giving into the death he had cheated once already, he let his mouth open in a single, sobbing sigh of grief.

Strong, warrior-callused fingers wove into his, a palm pressed against the slick surface of his own palm. In a surge, Xanatos felt his body rise up out of the water. Air rushed into his lungs, expelling the little bit of liquid that had gotten inside. He coughed and shivered as the warm bath water dripped off his body and cooled in the soft breeze of his Master's breath against his cheek. Xanatos's shivering stopped as he was enveloped in a strong embrace, pressed against a warm chest, held close with love and forgiveness.

The sobbing returned, but this time it was cleansing rather than condemning. Xanatos could feel his fear and self-hatred leave him as he released his emotions. And his master was right there, holding him, keeping him safe. Safe from himself.

"I forgive you."

Xanatos could feel it, all that weight falling from his body. The tears stopped, and with a grateful whimper, Xanatos let himself relax into the strong arms of his master.

Xanatos stayed in the warm circle of Qui-Gon's arms for a long time before he forced himself to open his eyes. He looked up, and the room suddenly seemed brighter. The shadows were replaced by blurry gold, and although he couldn't see very far, it didn't matter. He could see his master. He could gaze into the bright blue of his eyes, and truly feel how safe and loved he was. "Thank you," he whispered. Qui-Gon just smiled.

A small thought nagged at the back of Xanatos's mind, and after staring into Qui-Gon's eyes, the thought formed into a question. "Why are you here? Why are we here?"

"To give you a bath," Qui-Gon answered simply. He let one arm stray from Xanatos's back, dipping it into the water. He brought up his cupped hand and gently dribbled the water down Xanatos's face, over his right cheek. His hand followed once the water was gone, smoothing over his cheek with a lingering caress.

Xanatos brought his own hand up to cover Qui-Gon's. He was ashamed of the mark on his cheek and didn't want his master to touch it. He pulled at the large hand, moving it away from his face, but as he did his fingers brushed against the special spot. He was shocked to feel the burn-mark, the jagged scar of his father's ring, had disappeared. "It's gone!" Xanatos prodded his cheek with his fingers, searching out the puckered flesh that symbolized ten years of wasted life. His flesh was perfectly smooth, without a mark, without a blemish.

"You are clean, Xanatos. My Padawan." Qui-Gon leaned forward, brushing his lips over the flawless skin.

"Can I stay with you, Master?" Xanatos asked.

"Yes, Xanatos. Forever." Qui-Gon pulled him closer, and Xanatos sank into the comforting warmth of his master's body. He was finally where he belonged, and nothing could take that away.

"Forever..."

"He can't survive," Andra whispered, filled with horror as the water bubbled in the wake of Xanatos's leap. "The acid will strip the flesh off his bones."

Qui-Gon was frozen at the side of the pool, one arm extended, as though could somehow still save the boy from his horrible fate.

Slowly, something stirred in the water, spiraling upwards. It was a black cape. As the quartet watched, it disintegrated before their eyes.

Xanatos was dead.

THE END