Language
Rating: PG-13 for mild sex references, dark themes
Categories: Angst, A/U
Summary: Qui-Gon survived Naboo (for all the good it did
him)-this is the fallout.
Archive: Yes to M/A and Till Human Voices Wake Us; others,
please ask.
Feedback: Flame me, baby. I can take it.
WARNING!! This is *not* a happy fic, people. End of trilogy
started in "Ingratitude" and continued in "Epiphany."
Disclaimer: They belong to George Lucas, but that won't stop
me. I'm making no money off this (or anything else,
really).
When Qui-Gon Jinn speaks, he says two things. There are the
words which come out of his mouth, the surface statement, and
what he really means behind it.
Obi-Wan has recently come to understand this. He doesn't
think his ex-Master has been doing it forever--no, it is
certainly a new development. When he concentrates, in fact,
Obi-Wan can remember the exact night it started. His Master
had just gotten out of the bacta tank and was coming from the
meditation gardens very late.
Obi-Wan had not wanted to see him. Since Qui-Gon's miracle
recovery he had avoided his former Master like the plague,
not even going to visit him as he floated in the tank.
Rather, he'd filled his time with starting Anakin's training,
a task he found almost entirely devoid of interest, although
it was necessary. Mace Windu had offered to help him, to his
astonishment.
He'd given the boy his old room and slept on the couch,
refusing to use Qui-Gon's room. When he'd heard that Qui-Gon
was out of the tank he was profoundly grateful that he and
Mace had been having dinner at the time and a confrontation
with his ex-Master would be unnecessary. (Mace's refused
proposal had barely lingered in his consciousness past its
surprising utterance. It was peripheral. Unnecessary.
Forgotten.) After dinner, he'd hightailed it to his own new
quarters in the Knight's wing, deciding he could pick up his
things tomorrow. If it meant having to see Qui-Gon, he would
deal with that. A few polite words and he could go
forever.
He'd been woken from sleep by a persistent beeping at the
door. Hoping vaguely that it wasn't Mace Windu come to plead
with him, Obi-Wan had padded to the door and opened it--to be
confronted with over two hundred pounds of living, breathing,
desperate Qui-Gon Jinn pressing him back inside and onto his
bed. Stunned, he had submitted for a few frantic kisses
before rolling the other man to lie beside him, petting and
soothing him while Qui-Gon looked into his eyes, shaking with
misery and fear. All he'd ever gotten out of the older man
was that Qui-Gon had been meditating in the gardens and
something had happened and made him realize how much Obi-Wan
meant to him.
That, Obi-Wan muses, was the beginning of it all. The
doublespeak. From that night on, he has been able to hear
what Qui-Gon really means to say. It's as if the Force is
whispering to him darkly, rolling his brain between smoky
fingertips until his understanding is complete. For example,
on that first fateful night, Obi-Wan had immediately
understood that it was panicked guilt and jealousy, not love,
that had driven Qui-Gon to the bed of his former apprentice.
He'd been offended, but by now he knows that Qui-Gon really
does love him. Terribly. Exclusively.
"...And as I.meditated, I realized...how much you meant, how
much you mean, Obi-Wan, to me."
*Something has frightened me and I cannot lose you, do not
cast me away.*
Doublespeak.
That set the tone for what their relationship is now.
Obi-Wan knows they are safe from scrutiny, knows that on the
outside they are the perfect couple. Qui-Gon seems the ideal
Jedi lover, always tender and serene in what he says. Yet
they both know it is there. It is always there, and Obi-Wan
knows that in all ways he is the
Master now.
"Obi-Wan, I hope you realize that I did not mean to hurt
your feelings by claiming Ani as my Padawan. I knew you were
ready for the Trials."
*I'm sorry. I'm worthless. Take me back, forgive me, take me
back.*
"The Council has given their approval for you to accompany
us on this mission-do you consent, beloved?"
*I can no longer do this without you.*
"I value your input into Anakin's training. I am glad you do
not seem to resent his presence in our lives."
*I'll cast him aside if you want me to. I'll give him up,
hurt him as I hurt you. I'll do anything to keep you here
with me, wanting me. Just tell me what you want.*
Obi-Wan remembers last week, when Qui-Gon broke an ankle
during a complex training exercise and had to be laid up in
the infirmary overnight while bacta pads healed it.
"I didn't expect to wind up back here so soon," he'd
joked.
*I will try to recover quickly, don't cast me aside,* he'd
begged.
Obi-Wan had smiled and laid his hand on Qui-Gon's own,
letting him know that this small infraction was
forgiven--though it might not be next time. Perfect on the
surface. What a sweet pair of new lovers.
They have sex fairly frequently, and it does not obsess
Obi-Wan as he had once thought it might. He finds it
undeniably pleasant, but is far more fascinated and pleased
by this desperate submission of his former Master. The worm
has turned. Once he was his Master's, to be spurned at
leisure. Now the final rejection is his to give.
And he will give it, someday. When this gets to be too much.
He loves Qui-Gon deeply, make no mistake, he always has. But
their love, such as it is, has blossomed on a rotting plant.
It is an impossibility, something that should not happen and
certainly cannot thrive. It is built on a lifetime of
ignorance and rejection. That cannot be wiped out so
abruptly, not even by this new thing between them. So, sooner
or later, it will die.
And who will Obi-Wan turn to then? he muses. He rather
thinks it will be Mace Windu after all. And that, that shows
the potential to be something good and right and whole
someday. Unlike Qui-Gon, the Councilor has always shown him
respect and care. And he may be the only one to share their
secret, to know their lie. He'd stopped to visit Qui-Gon in
the infirmary, but instead of showing jealousy at their care
for one another, he had only smirked a bit. Gazed at them
knowingly. Obi-Wan had noticed that, as well as Qui-Gon's
abrupt surge of terror and rage. Does his Master also know
about the end of this façade? Most likely.
"Obi-Wan? Are you coming to dinner, love?" he hears Qui-Gon
calling from the other room.
*Are you staying for another night?*
"I'd hate to be stuck eating radah root by myself," his
lover's voice adds.
*When you leave me, I may well die.*
Obi-Wan ponders for a moment. Will he come to dinner
tonight? Yes, he rather thinks so. And they'll have sex (he
doesn't really think of it as making love) tonight, and he
will fall asleep in Qui-Gon's clutching embrace, closing his
eyes so he will not see the mixture of grief and passion on
the elder's face. As for tomorrow...
Who knows? The Force will tell its own story, and whisper
his to him.
Fin.
(I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Jeez, I felt terrible when I finished
writing it, OK? I better come up with some happy smut,
quick...or maybe I'll do a parody version of this to take the
sting out ;-)
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