Master Apprentice
Archive
Landmarks - 3
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ARCHIVE: MA, MWEB, my site at www.ravenswing.com/YoGurt, others please ask.
CATEGORY: Humor, non-Q/O
RATING: G
SERIES: Yes - the Landmark Series *g*
SPOILERS/WARNING: PMS Advisory!
SUMMARY: Mace has to - indirectly - deal with the worst of afflictions: PMS!
DISCLAIMER: Yes, yes, all to the Flanneled One, and be done with it!
FEEDBACK: Yes, please on-list or off at bogart_and_lily@yahoo.com
NOTES: This is for my fellow players over at MP: Seys, Qui, Depa, YAPP, Kay, Xani, Rahy, Obi, Missa, Kitty, JoDen, Luthik, Kohm, Jess, Eri, Doji, and the The Shaft Dancers from Kessel. You are my muse and inspiration! Thanks to crickets and Obi-Ki for their excellent betas. All remaining inconsistencies are mine alone. And I am indebt to Bant JA for chasing this bunny my way.
It could have been a peaceful and quiet afternoon in the life of Mace Windu. The one scarce day in his busy schedule when he had time to indulge in doing other things than solving diplomatic nightmares and drilling senior Padawans in advanced saber technique. Better still that his lover, Qui-Gon, was with him, serenely sipping his tea, watching Mace fuss about his valuable books. All had been well until...
"I am NOT sparring with you and letting you throw me onto my ass again, you insensitive pile of Bantha-poodoo!!!"
Red faced and fuming, Depa Billaba flew into the quarters she shared with her Master, hitting the door release so the door shut promptly behind her, right in front of Padawan Brokell's face, narrowly missing his nose. Or so it looked from where Mace was busy with rearranging a bookshelf, while Qui-Gon almost spilled his cup of tea at the sudden loud intrusion.
The 16 year-old woman immediately stormed into her room, slamming her door shut with a judicious application of the Force. Another loud thud indicated the gym bag Depa had been carrying had found its temporary new place tossed against the wall and landing on the floor.
"Why am I even bothering? Men are worse than womprats, with the intelligence of mynocks. ARGH!!!!!!" echoed loudly from behind the closed door.
The two men looked at one another not saying a word. It took a few moments for Qui-Gon to react and set down his steaming cup of tea. Slowly, he stood up and walked over to Mace who had just finished dusting off another row of books.
"It's that time again?" he inquired of his lover as quietly as possible.
"Shhh!" Mace frantically waved his hands in front of Qui-Gon's face. "Please, not so loud! She'll hear you. You know what happens then, don't you?" Mace shot a quick glance towards Depa's room, then back to Qui-Gon, then back to Depa's room. As he descended the ladder he had used to reach his books, Mace mentally began to count off the seconds until they'd be hearing from his Padawan.
//...8,9,10....// She might not have heard Qui-Gon's remark after all.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Depa's door flung open, and out again stormed a very unhappy young woman. Like Taun-Tauns in a hunter's spotlight, Mace and Qui momentarily froze as they saw her approaching. "I apologize, Master! Yes, it's that time. Again! Something you men don't understand! Will never understand! Depa shouted as she made her way unerringly past the two Masters and into the kitchen. "Where's the Sith-begotten tea?"
The will to survive this encounter with the enraged woman set in seconds later. With Jedi grace and swiftness, Mace and Qui-Gon left the path of the Padawan who would have barreled right into them, had it not been for their heightened perception of Depa's moving patterns. Past experience was more worth than any pressed credit chips, both men decided, moving out of the young woman's way, and taking their seats on the couch in the common room.
"Never is the tea where I put it for us, Master. Why do you always have to make a mess of the kitchen?" Depa's voice sounded somewhat strained to Mace's ears. "Why is it always me who cleans that mess up again? I'm your Padawan, not your servant!" A handful of tea leaves found their way into the teapot on the kitchen counter.
"Depa! That's enough, you hear." Mace threw in to break Depa's tirade with a mixture of masterly sternness and compassionate calm. "I understand this is an awkward time for you and how you must feel ..."
Immediately, he bit his tongue. Didn't he know better? Wasn't he one of the Temple's top diplomats, skilled in skirting the pitfalls of verbal quagmires? Why couldn't he be as skilled avoiding certain backfire when it came to dealing with Depa's temper tantrums when she was in the middle of ... that?
"You presume to know how I feel?" Depa's voice became screeching. "You're no woman! You've never even been with any woman! How could you possibly know?" Soon, her voice would give out, Mace was pretty sure of it as her volume increased with each word. "The only thing you know is guys. Men. Master Qui-Gon! So don't you tell me how I feel!"
Ballistics training was a required for all Jedi, and right now Mace and Qui-Gon were thankful for their Jedi perception of ballistic trajectories. With an ease speaking of years of practice, both men duck out of the way of the flying teapot. Not for the first time, Mace was able to use the Force to deflect the teapot away from the wall, instead lowering it gently onto the nearby table.
Suddenly, Qui-Gon felt the irresistible urge to try his own hand at peace-keeping. Next to Mace, his accomplishments at settling disputes and forging peace all over the known galaxy were legendary. Yes - it was time to forge right in here. Mace needed his help, and Qui-Gon took his commitment to Mace - not only as his lover, but even more so his friend - as seriously as he took his vow to foster peace and harmony throughout the Republic.
Cheerfully, Qui-Gon jumped in: "I was just remarking how well you look today, Depa. Given that you must be feeling all crampy and bloated..." His ribs were painfully nudged by Mace, whose eyes conveyed sheer panic.
"I look bloated Oh Nooo!" Depa wailed. "Master, oh Force, oh, no! No, no. NO!" And then the tears started to flow from her face, and Depa ran back into her room, sobbing bitterly as the door slammed shut behind her once again.
Mace sighed, "Great, Qui-Gon! Thanks a lot. That was just perfect. You know how sensitive she is about her figure during this time." He rolled his eyes. "Niiice going, Qui!" Mace stood up in one fluid move, throwing his hands up over his head and exasperatedly shaking his head. He walked over to his Padawan's room and knocked lightly.
"Padawan? Dee?" Mace knocked again, wincing as something solid within crashed to the floor.
"Go away, Master. I am ugly, and bloated and I ... I just wanna diiiee!" Depa's voice hitched in a sob and the wailing increased several notches, ringing painfully in both men's ears.
Scooting to the edge of his perch on the couch, Qui-Gon just couldn't stomach this tantrum any longer. "Mace, don't you think she is overdoing it just a bit?"
"Qui-Gon, for Force's sake- SHUT UP!" Wild ebony eyes blazed and fixed Qui-Gon in his seat, right before the door to Padawan Billaba's room opened again.
Depa rushed out of her room, red-faced and tearfully exclaimed, "I know when I'm not wanted here. I bet Master Yoda will understand me. I know he will!" and out the quarters she went.
Frustrated, Mace made his way over to the couch, running his hands over his head and sighing deeply as he sat down next to his lover again. The light kiss Qui-Gon gave him on his cheek couldn't quite alleviate the headache he had been getting within the last few minutes, but at least it wasn't getting worse.
"Now she'll run to Yoda and complain what insensitive Masters we are, and that he should never have allowed either of us to take Padawans in the first place. But," Mace's face broke into a broad smile, "better to aggravate your old Master than mine!"
Qui-Gon took his cup of tea again, leaning back into the cushions, frowning. "And why is it she never bugs your old mentor during this time?" Another sip and Qui-Gon set aside his cup once again, rubbing Mace's left thigh soothingly.
"Because Master Yumas is as deaf as a Trekelian bat?" Mace suggested and also leaned back, relishing his lover's touch. "You know, being partial to men does indeed have its advantages! If you want, I could demonstrate a few of them to you, in my bedroom." Leaning forward, Mace brushed his lips over Qui-Gon's.
"You were never one to ever waste the moment, love," Qui grinned and together they disappeared behind the door of Mace's bedroom to further explore the undeniable benefits of not being women.
The End