SUMMARY: Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan. AU, Angst. Obi-Wan becomes a knight,
allowing Qui-Gon to teach his new padawan. But can Qui-Gon keep
his knight with him?
NOTE: All of my stories are available on my web page
(http://www.europa.com/~mercutio/Stories.html).
ARCHIVE: Please. As often as possible and wherever you like.
When they returned to Coruscant after the ultimately
successful mission on Naboo, Obi-Wan spent the rest of the day
in moving his possessions out of the second bedchamber in
Qui-Gon's rooms, and into his new quarters as a knight.
Qui-Gon was not in a state to notice his moving out. When
Obi-Wan returned to the suite after his task was finished, he
found Qui-Gon lying in his bed, looking drawn. He was alive,
but by no means fully well yet. Anakin sat on a chair next to
the large bed, watching over the Jedi master.
"Hello," Obi-Wan said in a low voice.
Anakin's head swung up, and he cast a worried gaze at Obi-Wan.
"He's still sick."
"Yes, he will be for a while. The healers said so."
Qui-Gon gave no sign of having heard them, and now that the
knight was close enough to see past the hair concealing
Qui-Gon's eyes, Obi-Wan realized his master was asleep. His
former master.
He looked at Anakin. Obi-Wan had grown somewhat accustomed to
taking care of the boy in the past few weeks -- someone had to,
and Qui-Gon was not yet ready despite the padawan braid in
Anakin's hair that said it was certainly Qui-Gon's job.
"Let's get something to eat, and then perhaps we can see about
getting you settled at the temple."
Anakin's expression brightened, and Obi-Wan wasn't certain if
it was at the prospect of food, or at having something to do
other than stare at a sleeping invalid.
He showed Anakin the refectory, made a good lunch for
themselves, and then took Anakin back to Qui-Gon's quarters and
settled Ani into his room. Having a room to himself seemed to
delight the young boy, and Anakin quickly began making plans
for the odds and pieces of mechanical parts that somehow
gravitated to him.
When Obi-Wan stepped back out into the common room, he found
Qui-Gon sitting on the couch, still looking tired.
"I'll leave now, master," he said quietly, nodding as he
retreated from the room.
He'd only moved a few steps when the voice stopped him. "You
don't need to leave, Obi-Wan."
"I do. My place is no longer here." He waited to see if
Qui-Gon would contradict what they both knew to be the truth.
Qui-Gon did not. "No, it is not. But you need not leave so
soon."
"Anakin will need the room. And I... my future lies elsewhere
now."
Qui-Gon inclined his head slightly, not enough to strain
healing muscles. "It is true that Anakin is my padawan learner
now, but that does not make you any less to me."
"Perhaps it should," Obi-Wan said stiffly. Emotion held back
kept him at a remove from this situation. This awkward
situation. "You have trained another padawan to knighthood
before me. And she never bothered you. Indeed, you rarely spe--
spoke of her. I am a knight now." Too soon! his heart
cried. Too soon to know this pain and to be so torn from his
erstwhile master's side. He'd anticipated months of training
leading up to his trials, not the strain of nearly losing his
master to a Sith and then, while they had still not known
whether Qui-Gon would live or die, his knighthood conferred
upon him like an afterthought. He didn't deserve it. Hardly
even wanted it, despite that knighthood was one of his life's
goals.
What he wanted was to be seated at Qui-Gon's feet, leaning
against his legs and feeling the warmth and life -- the very
pulse of the Force itself -- telling him that Qui-Gon was
alive, and his master's broad hand stroking his hair.
All he wanted... and now nothing he had a claim to, a
privilege that was now Anakin's, if the boy chose to take it.
Not Obi-Wan's. Not anymore. No matter how unprepared he felt,
now he was to sever their training bond for good, to learn to
live on his own, to work on his own, alone until he, too, took
a padawan. Who would eventually leave him. Alone. Alone, when
all he wanted to was throw himself at Qui-Gon's feet at this
moment, and be together for as long as they had.
"You are a knight," Qui-Gon acknowledged. "I am pleased that
the Council saw fit to acknowledge your abilities."
Pleased because of Anakin, came the ugly thought.
Now he's free to take on the boy. Out loud, Obi-Wan said
merely, "I apologize for my lack of skill at breaking our
training bond. I have tried, but it does not seem to want to
unravel, despite my efforts."
"That is often the case with a long-standing bond. If you will
come here, I will assist you."
Cold words, plainly spoken. No, Qui-Gon had no use for him, no
need of a boy who had been pushed upon him, one who was not
good enough to become a padawan. Not when Qui-Gon had the
Chosen One, another boy, this one so strong that no impediment
would stand in Qui-Gon's way, not Anakin's age, lack of
training, or even his own padawan. None of that.
Obi-Wan crossed the room again, and knelt in front of Qui-Gon,
who should not move unless it was necessary. Only his need to
be with his new and bewildered padawan had gotten Qui-Gon out
of the healers' hands so quickly, and any sign of regression
into illness would have him back in their hands soon enough.
"Do it," the new knight said. "I'm ready."
Qui-Gon's hands descended to rest on his head, and for a
moment, Obi-Wan could almost imagine they were stroking his
hair. Could almost imagine he was the kind of person who
inspired such touches, who deserved such attention. Almost. But
he was here to have the last of his apprenticeship bond taken
away. To lose the one thing that truly mattered to him. Wild
grief flowed through him, unsensed by the man touching him.
He felt Qui-Gon's presence in his mind. A familiar weight, and
he welcomed it greedily, storing up the impressions of this
last mindtouch for pulling out later on especially cold nights
when he needed something to warm his heart and mind.
A sharp pull, and it was done. The bond removed cleanly, and
the edges sealed up by an expert hand.
And the constant sense of Qui-Gon's presence, of his care and
his life, disappeared entirely from Obi-Wan's mind. The hands
now leaving his head were nothing more than hands. When he
lifted his eyes to meet Qui-Gon's, he saw nothing but the
familiar visage, felt no answering spark of recognition, of
what said 'home' to him.
He was alone.
"Thank you." Obi-Wan rose to his feet. He could not think of
anything especially deep to say. They had shared so much, and
now it was over. Words did not seem to be enough to fit the
circumstances. "I will take my leave of you now."
"Obi-Wan."
Qui-Gon's voice caught him back again, and Obi-Wan knew more
sadness over that. He responded to it once out of obedience,
now out of love and respect. By all rights, though, he should
no longer respond to it. Should treat it like every other
voice. Not that of the only true father, only true friend and
only source of love Obi-Wan had ever fully known.
"It does not have to be like this," Qui-Gon said.
"How then must it be?" Obi-Wan asked, controlling the
harshness in his voice with effort. "You have other
responsibilities now, as do I."
Qui-Gon regarded him for so long a moment that Obi-Wan was
nearly determined to leave immediately, however rude it might
be, and end this painful farce quickly. But again, Qui-Gon
spoke.
"Do you think that you were nothing but a responsibility to
me? That I wished you with me only out of duty? That now that
my task is done and you have become a knight I no longer care
for you?"
"Why should you? I am not the Chosen One. My presence can only
be a hindrance to you." Obi-Wan was proud of being able to keep
his voice steady.
"Is that how you truly feel, my Obi-Wan? Was I nothing more
than a taskmaster to you? Did you serve me only because of
habit and training?"
He wanted to answer. Oh how he wanted to answer. But an
emotional response was unworthy of the Jedi, and it would
change nothing. Nothing at all. He fed his feelings into the
Force, striving for calm. "No. You are... were all
things to me. There is no better master in the order."
"Then why do you hurry so to get away from me?"
So that I do not cast myself down at your feet and beg you
to take me back, on any terms at all. "It is what I must
do."
Qui-Gon nodded slightly. "I suppose it is. I admit that I have
little strength to spare, and what I have must be reserved for
Anakin and his teaching."
"Of course."
"But Obi-Wan..."
Tears ran hotly into the back of his eyes, and his breathing
choked. Anakin. Always Anakin. He could not stand to be
reminded yet again of his own failures as a padawan, to know
that he had been forced into knighthood not because he was
ready, but because Qui-Gon wanted to dispatch the unworthy
apprentice and take the one who was. "I must go. Now. I have
little time to pack before my ship leaves." He bowed, and left
the room hastily.
So hastily, he did not see Qui-Gon stand and reach out to him.
Obi-Wan retreated to his new room. It was bare and spartan,
his possessions bundled up and leaning against the wall by the
door. Packing would take only a short while -- he had not
unpacked from Naboo, and it would be a matter merely of
exchanging soiled clothing for clean and replacing that which
had been damaged. Then he would be gone from these quarters,
his quarters now, while he began doing the work of the Jedi,
serving the Council as best he could, for the greater good of
all.
It was everything he'd ever wanted, and he could not bring
himself to even be happy of it.
The logical, the right thing to do with the little
amount of free time he had before he needed to make
preparations to leave was to meditate. To organize his thoughts
and surrender his feelings to the Force. Sensible perhaps, but
he'd been trying to do just that all the way home from Naboo.
And on Naboo. To no result.
Now truly alone for the first time in weeks, Obi-Wan threw
himself face down on the bed and, curling the pillow to
himself, sobbed wearily into the silent air.
When his breathing was finally under control, and his emotions
more quiet within him, he sat up and wiped his eyes clear.
The first thing he saw was a small figure sitting cross-legged
on his floor.
"Anakin! What are you doing here?"
"Master Jinn sent me. He wants to talk to you."
"I..." This was not a good moment. Obi-Wan was feeling
vulnerable and exposed. In front of Anakin. His replacement.
"We've already spoken."
"Uh huh. He said if you didn't want to come, I was supposed to
comm him and he'd come here."
Reflex sent a concern through Obi-Wan. "He can't come here.
It's too far. He shouldn't be up yet."
"Uh huh."
Obi-Wan looked at the boy, even as Anakin stared back at him.
There was a great deal of stubbornness in the boy's eyes. He
wasn't going to be talked out of this.
A stand-off. Obi-Wan bore too much affection for his former
master to send an ill man stumbling about the temple. And he
wasn't going to court Qui-Gon's wrath by clouding the mind of
his padawan either. That was, however, clearly the only way
Anakin would be convinced not to carry out his threat.
Unless... he sighed. Unless he went to Qui-Gon.
He checked his chronometer. He had time, barely. "All right,
I'll go -- but!" Obi-Wan said, before Anakin could get out the
door, "I need you to find me some clean clothing, or I'm going
to be late. Will you do that for me?"
Anakin smiled. "Yes, sir!"
He smiled back. Despite his resentment at Qui-Gon's treatment
of him because of the Chosen One, Obi-Wan still found much to
like about Anakin. The boy's delight at being trusted with
responsibility, for instance. "These two," he pointed, "are my
packs. If you exchange the clothing and bring these to Master
Jinn's quarters, I'll have time to see him before I need to
leave."
"I can do that."
"Good. Thank you, Anakin." He couldn't bring himself to call
the boy 'Padawan Skywalker'. It was formal and it was right,
but the title still hurt too much.
Obi-Wan firmed his shields and brought his emotions under
control as he walked to Qui-Gon's quarters. He could not
release them. Tears had not served to do so. Perhaps distance
and time would eventually accomplish the feat.
Knowing that Qui-Gon would not -- should not -- attempt
to answer the door, Obi-Wan entered. "It's Obi-Wan," he called
softly.
"Yes, Obi-Wan. Please, come here and sit with me."
The Jedi master was still seated on the couch. His posture was
stiff and formal -- a reflection of his thoughts or his injury?
Obi-Wan sat down. "You wanted to see me?"
"Yes. Obi-Wan, I refuse to let you go without this resolved
between us. The time has come for plain-speaking. Tell me
honestly -- what have I done that you cannot forgive? What evil
haunts you that you live in such pain?"
"It is too late, and of no matter. I must leave for my
mission..."
"I will not let you go until you have spoken with me. I may
not make my voice heard often with the Jedi Council, but I
assure you that I would be listened to on this. If you do not
talk to me now, I will talk with them, halting your mission and
keeping you here until this matter has been resolved."
Obi-Wan flinched, and his bitterness seeped out. "You are most
welcome to do so, Master Jinn. Do so and reveal my unworthiness
to be a knight and my unreadiness for this position. Please do.
I am weary of this charade."
A sharply indrawn breath, and then, "Unworthy? Obi-Wan, you
are a knight. Proclaimed so by the Council."
"And I have much to learn. As you said not so long ago."
Qui-Gon's eyes were sad. "Yes, I did say that, didn't I? It
seems I have some things to learn as well."
They sat in silence for a long moment. Emotions churned inside
Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon was bringing unfaced issues to the fore, and
he was his own man now. A choked and bitter half-laugh escaped
him. He did not want to speak, but, as unready to be a knight
as he was, at least he no longer had any need to fear that his
actions would cause Qui-Gon to cast him off as a padawan. That
had already happened. If he were ever to lance the boils within
his soul, now was the time.
"If you truly wish to know, I'll tell you."
"I do." Qui-Gon regarded him calmly.
"As a child, I wanted only one thing. To be chosen as a
Padawan. To be selected by a Jedi knight or master as worth
training. You know what happened instead." No need to detail
Qui-Gon's multiple rejections of him. They both knew.
"It was a long time ago, and..."
Obi-Wan continued steadily. "I was grateful to you then for
choosing me, finally, even if it were as an afterthought. I
vowed then to be the best padawan I possibly could. To please
you, and because striving to be the best was the only way I
could have any hope of being adequate enough for you to keep
me. I knew then that I was not good enough for you. It is
little surprise to me now that you have found a better suited
apprentice. Only a surprise that it took so long to happen. He
-- Anakin, the Chosen One -- he is more than worthy of
training. I understand that. I am also grateful that I have my
knighthood instead of merely being cast out from the Order,
undeserving of the honor though I am. You... I respect you, and
I always will. But I must leave. I can understand why
all had to happen as it did, but I cannot bear right now to
see," he had to pause to control his voice, "to see someone
else taking my place. Even if it was never really my place.
Even if I was just someone you took on because you felt sorry
for me. I... when time has passed, I will grow accustomed to
it, I'm sure, but for now, I must accept the mission. Please
don't stand in my way on this. It is for the best."
He was prepared for Qui-Gon to deny what he had said. To tell
him to better control his emotions. Even though he had never
given the Jedi master a reason to doubt his word. Even though
Qui-Gon's ignorance of these things said more about Obi-Wan's
control than anything else could. He had tried so hard...
And now was not the time to hear Yoda's voice in his head,
quoting one of his favorite aphorisms.
"What would you have me do?" Qui-Gon's strained voice asked.
The saber had punctured a lung, and while the wound was
healing, it left Qui-Gon at a loss for breath. "I cannot turn
back time for you. I cannot rechoose you as my padawan, or
redress any other wrong."
"You have done nothing wrong." Obi-Wan wanted very much to
leave, but Anakin had not yet arrived with his packs, and he
did want to finish this confrontation, to be done with this
pain for good.
"I have done many things wrong if you can think so little of
yourself."
"It's the truth, nothing else."
Qui-Gon sighed, a sad rattling sound. "And nothing I could
tell you would change your mind. Any assurances I gave you now
you would not accept, thinking that they are merely words. Is
that not so?"
"So." A brief smile tried to form in the memory of their first
mission together as master and padawan, but failed. "I don't
want you to say words simply because you feel the need to
assuage a guilt that you have no reason to harbor. I would not
ask that of you. I... I am not the kind of person who
denigrates himself in order to receive reassurances."
"No. You are not. You are, however, apparently the kind of
person who does not trust his mentor well enough to confess the
pain within his heart."
He was doing so now, wasn't he? But Obi-Wan understand what
Qui-Gon meant. Knew and rejected the concept. "What should I
have confessed? That I was unworthy of the attention you paid
me? That every reprimand and correction you gave me was
well-merited? As was the lack of praise? You have always been
generous in your praise to those around you. To the other
padawans who joined in our exercises, to students, knights and
masters alike. But not to me, and with good reason. Should I
have told you what you already knew?"
"I did not know that you felt this way."
"Does it matter?" Obi-Wan asked wearily. "Does it really
matter? I was your remedial student, and now I'm a play-knight.
I am no longer your responsibility and no longer in your way.
Let me go and I will trouble you no further."
"I have never asked that you go."
"You are ever tolerant of pathetic lifeforms. However, I at
least know that I am pathetic, and will not therefore push
myself upon your generosity as the others do."
Qui-Gon shook his head. "You are my respected former student
and honored knight. And I don't know what I would do without
you at my side, where you have been so long. I have treated you
with less admiration than is your due, I admit it. So a teacher
must school a pupil. You were worthy of my discipline, not
someone extraneous who could be lightly praised. I have always
been proud of your accomplishments, flaw though it might be for
a Jedi to feel such an emotion."
"But you treat Anakin with kindness, not as..." As though
he is as in need of correction as I was, and am.
"And I have not had the strength to give Ani even his basic
lessoning. You took on the duty for me, without complaint or
hesitation."
"Only as you requested."
"As I requested when I thought that I would not live. It was
not your duty once you saw that I would live, any more than it
was your duty to make Ani feel at home here in the temple."
"Any Jedi would have done the same. My small actions do not
confer any special virtue upon me."
"Obi-Wan..."
Anakin entered the room, pulling Obi-Wan's packs behind him.
"I'm all done. I hope I didn't take too long."
Far too long, Obi-Wan thought, but it was not Anakin's
fault that Qui-Gon had used the time to argue with him. "Thank
you." He was on his feet and moving before the second word was
out of his mouth. "I'll be going now."
He shouldered his packs, and disappeared as quickly as he
could, foregoing any parting courtesies. The drawn-out
confrontation had not been to his liking. Long strides, paced
to keep up with a larger man, propelled him swiftly through the
temple corridors.
The Republic cruiser was ready for him when he arrived.
Obi-Wan was led to his room, and left there while the ship's
crew completed their preparations for the journey.
He ignored his surroundings, ignored his packs and schedules
and upcoming mission, and instead found a place to meditate in
a portion of the cabin. He needed to regain his equilibrium, if
it could be restored at all. Needed somehow to release the
formless sadness lurking within him.
Obi-Wan did not attempt to track the passage of time during
this meditation, nor his surroundings. Such concerns were
unimportant. He did not need to leave this chamber until the
ship reached Bairu. Sustenance, sleep, time, all of these were
distractions that a Jedi could ignore. Finding some measure of
peace was more important. Without it, he would be useless to
the Jedi. Moreso than he already was. He would do his best for
the people of Bairu. They did not deserve the slight the
Council had handed them by sending a half-trained apprentice to
deal with their problems.
He quieted his mind, found his center, then released the tight
control he had been holding over his thoughts. They still did
not penetrate his shields, but now he allowed himself to think
freely about the recent events.
At least I have dealt with the situation. I let the
repressed feelings go, and directed them at the proper
person. Repression of feeling was unhealthy, he knew.
That much is better. But I don't feel any better. No
resolution. There was no resolution for anything of the things
I said. But then, what did I want? For him to say, 'Yes,
Obi-Wan, you're right. You're worthless, and you have always
been worthless. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now
that you mention it, I have to say it's true.'?
The imagined words echoed harshly in his mind. No, he had not
wanted that. However much he deserved it, he didn't want it.
What answer then had he wanted?
Total commitment from Qui-Gon for life? A bond that constantly
sang to him and left no doubt whatsoever that he was the one
Chosen, that he was loved and wanted and needed?
That was so far-fetched as to be ridiculous. And yet,
something about the image it conjured left Obi-Wan aching
inside.
It's just the absence of the training bond. I'll get used
to it.
Eventually. Just as he would get used to spending the rest of
his life alone.
Obi-Wan dismissed those thoughts also. They were not bringing
him peace. He released today's events and sought instead the
Force.
He surfaced from his meditation an unknown time later. If he
had chosen to notice, he could have known how much time had
passed -- such things were a matter of training and discipline.
But he had not cared, and so did not know. He was aware that
the ship was even now traveling through space, but little
beyond that.
Obi-Wan rose to his feet and stretched slowly, attending to
each muscle in turn, directing renewed circulation through his
body with the Force.
Then he put his attention back on his surroundings, ready to
open his packs and begin the task of preparing for his mission.
Only to find a familiar figure lying on his bed, propped up
against pillows.
"Master!" The title slipped out despite himself.
Qui-Gon greeted him with a smile. "Good evening, my Obi-Wan."
"What... how... why are you here?"
The smile changed into something gentler. "You did not seem to
believe my words and indeed, I don't blame you. My words have
caused you pain in the past. However, I thought perhaps actions
might convince you. I want you by my side. I want to be by your
side. It matters little which phrasing you choose."
Obi-Wan remained stunned, staring at Qui-Gon.
"I was able to delay your transport long enough to board.
Anakin is also here, disassembling the contents of his cabin,
no doubt. I wish to be with you, and, if you can believe
nothing else, believe in my presence here."
The self-doubt rose again. "I know that I need a real Jedi to
help me. I wouldn't be able to handle this situation
adequately, I'm aware of that..."
Qui-Gon's eyes glowed fiercely. "No. No, and no again. I am
recuperating from an injury and have a padawan to train as
well. That is enough for me, more I'm sure than the healers
would advise should they discover what I'm doing. You are in
charge of your mission."
"I..." Obi-Wan didn't know what to say.
"You don't trust me any longer. Fine, I understand that. But
let me have a chance to redeem myself. Let me show you how much
you mean to me."
The man lying on the bed was tired, fatigue etched in every
line of his face and body. Obi-Wan moved to sit next to him,
and, hands moving to hover over Qui-Gon's heart and forehead,
began sending healing energy to the older man.
"I... my wise master is on a fool's errand. But I..." He bit
back tears, shockingly close after his long meditation. "You
came for me. You shouldn't have. I can't turn you away. I
won't. Even though I don't deserve this."
Qui-Gon raised his arm, and lightly touched the hand resting
on his forehead. "You do. Only let me have the time to prove
it."
"You may have anything you wish of me. You always could."
"I know. You were a devoted padawan, and you are an equally
caring man." Qui-Gon's words were beginning to slow and slur as
his exertions took their toll. His hand fell back against his
chest. "I must rest now. Please, Obi-Wan, if you have any scrap
of love left for me, be here when I wake up."
"I will," Obi-Wan promised, even as a tear tipped down his
cheek and fell onto Qui-Gon's sleeping face.
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