Killer Bug from Pantspace

by Rogue

Title: PSH Series #5: Killer Bug from Pantspace
Author: Rogue (silvarbelle@msn.com)
Archive: master_apprentice, my LiveJournal
Category: Humor, Qui/Obi
Rating: PG-13, or a very nice M
Disclaimer: Oh, don't I wish I were the owner! But I'm not, so phooey.
Warnings: A bug gets into Obi's pants; other than that... no.
Spoilers: Some people on LJ may have read something similar already; this story is, like others in the PSH Series, based on a real life event. Sympathy appreciated, laughter wanted.
Summary: Qui-Gon has a laugh at Obi-Wan’s expense and several things get vaporized by a lightsaber.
Feedback: yes, please! Any comments are welcome.

For the life of him, Qui-Gon could not fathom why his apprentice and lover was giving him an extremely dirty look as Obi-Wan hobbled into their shared quarters.

Dirty in the sense of "I am extremely angry with you right now" and not in the sense of "I want to do extremely erotic things to you right now;" a dirty look that did nothing to put Qui-Gon at ease.

"Obi-Wan? Are you well?" he asked solicitously of the younger man.

Obi-Wan hobbled further into the living room and eased himself down onto the sofa. It was then, as Obi-Wan's Jedi-issue brown robe fell open, that Qui-Gon realized the younger man was wearing no trousers.

In fact, he seemed to be nude from the waist down except for his boots. An event that Qui-Gon normally looked upon with joy and lust, but currently puzzled and slightly worried him, given Obi-Wan's apparent upset and the unveiling of Obi-Wan's left knee – which was, at the moment, extremely swollen and the skin a bright, burning red color.

Before he could ask, however, Obi-Wan began speaking.

"So, let me tell you all about my day," the younger Jedi said with a slight hint of growl in his voice.

"Please do," Qui-Gon said calmly.

"I was down in the animal gardens to check up on and feed your menagerie; specifically, the reptile section. That means I was carrying several pounds of feed and the conditions down there are kept tropical. It's hot in there. Sweltering. Humid. But I did it. Very proud of myself."

"I thank you for your consideration," Qui-Gon murmured. "But what does this have to do with—"

"I'm getting to that," Obi-Wan rumbled. "I was almost done feeding most of your brood. In fact, I was just about to feed the Iathilian iguana when disaster struck."

"In the form of...?"

"A flying ant had gotten into my left trouser leg – and it was angry."

"Well... yes, I suppose it would be. I certainly wouldn't want to be fed alive to another creature," Qui-Gon mused, earning himself yet another of those angry-not-erotic dirty looks. "But how did it get in your trousers in the first place?"

"I am still attempting to figure that out, Master," snapped Obi-Wan. "However, the insect got even more upset when I slapped at it through my trousers. You see, I had felt this minor sting, but I thought maybe the fabric had caught on my skin or something, and so I slapped at the minor irritation. That's when the irritation happened again. And again. And again and again and again!"

Qui-Gon opened his mouth to comment, but Obi-Wan continued speaking, so he decided the best thing he could do was be silent and look supportive.

"By then, I knew something was not right in my trousers. Knowing something was definitely where it should not be – and here I was imagining anything from centipede to spider to miniature amphibian land shark to the very Sith themselves – I did what any vaguely normal person would do: I freaked out."

Qui-Gon, being well aware of his padawan's dislike for insects, could well imagine what "freaking out" entailed. Feeling a grin beginning to shape his mouth, he casually lifted his hand to stroke at his beard, effectively hiding the lower half of his face from his agitated student.

"I dropped the feedbag on the ground," Obi-Wan muttered. "I nearly dropped myself on the ground, but no, I had the presence of mind to run across the walkway and hide myself in a very tall hedge. There, I did something I never thought I would do. I pulled my pants down in public! Oh, yes, indeed, I did. I tore everything apart in a hurry because I was not wasting time by untying anything! Then I bent over in a hurry to fold myself in half in a way I don't do unless it's a kata or I'm evading enemy attack."

It was all Qui-Gon could do to keep himself from sniggering out loud at this point.

"In next to no time, my trousers were puddled around my ankles, but I might as well have been completely bare-assed, because in the bending over process, my smalls disappeared. Apparently there was a mix-up in the laundry center, because upon later investigation, I realized that I had been given someone else's smalls; and here I'd thought I was gaining weight or something this morning when I dressed. In any case, Master, I leave it to to figure out just where it is exactly the smalls went."

Qui-Gon knew very well what Obi-Wan was talking about, and engaged in a brief internal battle of Amusement versus Sympathy. Fortunately, Discretion beat the daylights out of both and thus prevented him from making any sound; in fact, he even managed a simple head nod, which his apprentice took as a signal to continue.

"That was not my main concern," said Obi-Wan, who did indeed continue. "My priority at the moment was the little bastard that had the attitude of: 'I know I'm going down, but I'm taking you with me!' This is also known as the 'Never Say Die – Even If It Kills You!' attitude; which this bug had an abundance of."

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes a bit, but still gave another brief nod. He was quite certain at any moment his lower lip was going to become a bloody, mangled mess, but he was determined not to let Obi-Wan see his amusement.

"I gave the bug an attitude adjustment in the form of a flurry of slaps against my burning red-welt infested left knee whilst simultaneously shrieking like a Rancor," the younger Jedi grumbled. "Slightly daunted but not departed, the bug then fell into my trousers, at which point I rebelled and cast it out by – and you're just going to love this – by taking hold of my lightsaber, aiming straight down, and igniting it."

At that point, Qui-Gon closed his eyes tightly shut and gave a muffled, strangled sound.

"Yes, precisely; that is why I am currently not wearing any trousers or smalls; they were vaporized by my lightsaber. On the other hand, so was the bug – obliterated into non-existence; not even a micro-atom is left, so I count it as a victory. Deciding that what was left of my trousers was a loss, I pulled them off and used my lightsaber to destroy those as well. Then I finished feeding the iguana, put everything away, and made my way back here to tell you about this in the hopes that you would not sit there laughing, as you have been, and would instead be the nice, helpful Master you occasionally are and get the antibiotic ointment."

That was when Qui-Gon lost the battle.

For the next few minutes or so, the small apartment the two Jedi shared within the Temple on Coruscant resonated with the sound of a Jedi Master completely losing his cool and laughing uproariously; laughing hard enough that he fell to the floor and stayed there.

Obi-Wan sighed and used the Force to call the antibiotic ointment to his outstretched hand. When the small tube arrived, he opened it and began smearing the ointment onto his knee, while watching Qui-Gon indulge in hilarity.

Truth be told, he was enjoying the sight. Although Qui-Gon did have a healthy sense of humor, he was often forced into the role of diplomat and peace-keeper, and so had learned early on to keep a tight rein on his emotions, as all Jedi did. However, Obi-Wan cherished the sound of his master and lover laughing; loved to see that handsome, craggy face split with a grin; adored the twinkling of Qui-Gon's intelligent blue eyes as his utterly kissable mouth opened and the bass rumble of his laughter was let loose.

So, even though this round of amusement was at his expense, Obi-Wan let go of any bit of irritation he felt and indulged in watching Qui-Gon laugh himself silly while he turned a bit of Force inwards to help the antibiotic ointment work faster on his knee.

Eventually, the older man calmed and lay, breathless and panting on the floor. When he could, he opened his eyes and turned his head to see Obi-Wan watching him with an affectionate smirk; an expression that caused Qui-Gon to grin back at him reflexively.

Dragging himself up into a sitting position, he looked at Obi-Wan's knee and noticed that the swelling and redness had reduced significantly, and that even as he watched, the last of it was fading now. Sighing, he rolled onto his own knees and crawled over to where Obi-Wan sat on the couch, insinuating himself between the younger man's legs.

"I apologize," Qui-Gon said softly. "I should have been attending to your injury and not having a laugh at your expense."

Obi-Wan smiled and reached out to brush his fingers over the older man's bearded cheek. "It's alright, love; I don't mind, truly I don't. It was good to see you let go like that. Besides, I took care of the small sting."

"Yes, but as your master, I should've seen to your well-being first."

"You can always see to it now," Obi-Wan murmured suggestively, the dirty look in his eyes finally changing to erotic-not-angry.

"That sounds like a lovely idea," Qui-Gon replied, and he leaned forward to capture Obi-Wan's mouth in a kiss, even as his hand slipped between their bodies to take hold of the younger man's cock, which was becoming more interested by the moment.

Several moments later – long, loving, luxurious moments – the two men lay panting on the sofa; damp with sweat and other body fluids, and both extremely satisfied with themselves and each other.

"Mmmmmm," sighed Obi-Wan as he snuggled against his lover. "Perhaps the Killer Bug from Pantspace was worth it."

He grinned to himself as, yet again, Qui-Gon began laughing.

End