Master Apprentice Archive Jedi Boulevard Quick search:

Jedi Boulevard

by MrsHamill (mrshamill@gmail.com)

Archive: by my site (www.hawksong.com/~momskitchen) and MA only, please.
Pairing: Q/O (sorta)
Rating: a weak R

Warning: Do not read while eating or drinking. Do not read if pregnant or capable of becoming pregnant at any time in the future. Void where prohibited. Your mileage may vary. Yes, this will probably be funnier if you have seen the movie but since it shares so little with it, I'm sure it can be read and... uh... enjoyed without it.

Notes: So here's what happened: There was a rumor that Ewan would be playing Joe Gillis in the movie made from the musical made from the movie, Sunset Boulevard. It turned out to be false, but a member of the Master-Apprentice mailing list (her name is Aphony Cree) made the innocent (raised eyebrow) comment that she would like to see someone write Sunset Boulevard from the Jedi POV. From that point forward, it lived in my brain and nearly drove me mad. It has been shamelessly stolen from the original script written by Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder and D.M. Marshman, Jr. in March of 1949 (they wouldn't recognize the end result so let's not tell 'em), which you can read here if you don't believe how sexually suggestive and eerily appropriate the whole damn thing is. I've kept an incredibly large portion of the screenplay as is, as well as keeping it in script format (and cripes was that hard to format to HTML!).

Further, it is dedicated to Batagur, Majilique, JD Greybraid and Mali Wane, some wonderful ladies who shouldn't need cheering up but do anyway. Thank you, Merry and Katbear, for the reassurances and the prompt to post. This hasn't really been beta'd, because I think that'd be a waste of time. It's awful as-is, no amount of editing is going to help it.

[OPENING SHOT: a pan down through traffic lanes to a street in Courscant. There is a floating street sign stenciled with JEDI TEMPLE BLVD. The camera pulls back across the cracked, defaced plascrete of the walkway with superimposed credits - also stenciled.]

JEDI BOULEVARD

Also Starring:
Finis Valorum as Producer Sheldrake
Senator Palpatine as Artie Green

Special Guest Star: Yoda as Cecil B. De Mille

[As the credits fade, A VOICEOVER narration is read cynically and crisply with a film-noirish style. The first scene shows skycops on swoop bikes followed by police speeders with sirens blaring rushing to a mansion in the Temple District of Coruscant where they find a dead body floating face down in a swimming pool. Detectives try to fish him out of the water as we hear: ]

OBI-WAN KENOBI [voiceover]:

Yes, this is Jedi Temple Boulevard, Coruscant. It's about six o'clock in the morning, local time - or about an hour before firstmeal, if you want to be picky. That's the Homicide Squad of the SkyCops you see - complete with detectives and infonetmen. A murder has been reported from one of those great big houses in the ten thousand block. You'll read about it in the late editions on the Infonet, I'm sure. You'll get it over your computer and see it on holovision because an old-time Jedi is involved - one of the biggest. But before you hear it all distorted and blown out of proportion, before those Coruscant columnists get their hands on it, maybe you'd like to hear the facts, the whole truth. If so, you've come to the right party. You see, the body of a young man was found floating in the pool of his mansion - with two holes from a lightsaber in his back and one in his stomach. He was nobody important, really. Just a wannabe Jedi padawan with a couple of mind tricks and pod races to his credit. The poor dope! He always wanted to be a padawan. Well, in the end, the price for that turned out to be a little high.

[PAN SHOT of the swoops, speeders and miscellaneous other official-type vehicles arriving at the large, garish mansion, then CLOSE UP of the body, until the camera is looking up into the face of the dead young man. The narrator continues, sounding amused.]

KENOBI [voiceover]

Yeah, yeah, I know, everybody wants the story, the story of how a young Force-sensitive ended up face down - with his eyes open - in the villa pool of a famous Jedi knight. And you wanna know the kicker? The poor schmuck hated water. Some irony, isn't it? But yeah, you wanna know what happened. So let's go back about six months and find the day when it all started.

[Scene dissolves into a flashback, six months earlier. PAN SHOT of Coruscant, diving through the sky traffic to the Jedi Temple. At the last second, the camera veers to the left to the Temple District to home in on a seedy apartment complex near the Temple. CAMERA MOVES TOWARD AN OPEN WINDOW on the fourth floor where we see OBI-WAN KENOBI (Joe Gillis) bare-footed and wearing nothing but an old bath-robe is sitting on the bed. In front of him, on a straight chair, is his lightsaber, in pieces. Beside him on the bed is a dirty ashtray and a scattering of various tools. KENOBI is calibrating something with a hydrospanner clenched between his teeth.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I was living in an older apartment house on the edge of the good section of the District. Things were tough at the moment. I hadn't gone out on any missions for a long time, so I sat there, endlessly tuning my lightsaber, the one thing that marked me as a knight, even if I couldn't get any jobs. Maybe I'd lost my touch, maybe that mission with the triplet twilek girls finally got back to the Council, maybe I was just lost in the crowd. All I knew was I wasn't getting missions and wasn't getting paid.

[The APARTMENT is a one-room affair. There are a couple of worn-out plush chairs and a Naboo-style, wrought-iron standing lamp. There is also a small desk littered with datapads and lightsaber crystals and a chest of drawers with a broken dataset on top. On the walls are a couple of posters featuring various species in various states of dishabille, with bills and faded holos stuck in the frames. Through an archway can he seen a tiny kitchenette, complete with unwashed coffee pot and cup, empty tin cans, orange peels, etc. The effect is dingy and cheerless -- just another furnished apartment. The buzzer SOUNDS.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

So there I was, minding my own business when two goons sent by Gardulla the Hutt came to repossess my flit. My flit! It was my baby, a 24746 Ad Astra, Coruscant registered, hottest thing in hyperspace.

[KENOBI rises and opens the door to the apartment.]

FIRST GOON:

Yousa being Obi-Wan Kenobi?

KENOBI:

That's right.

SECOND GOON:

Weesa be comin' for da flit. Da 24746 Ad Astra, Coruscant registered, issa da hottest thing in hyperspace.

KENOBI:

How'd you know that?

FIRST GOON:

Weesa being read it in da script. Wheresa yousa hiding da keys?

KENOBI:

Why should I give you the keys?

SECOND GOON:

Becausea Gardulla issa being tired of hearing yousa lame excuses. Becausea yousa three payments behinda. And becausea Gardulla will breaka yousa kneecaps, seeings as how yousa too damn old a sell as a pleasure boysa.

KENOBI:

Relax, fans. The flit isn't here. It's not even on Coruscant.

FIRST GOON:

Issa that sosa?

KENOBI:

Yeah, I had to loan it to a friend of mine who had a mission on Hoth. You could always swing by there and take it, I'm sure Garen wouldn't mind being stranded. Don't believe me? Look in the landing pad.

SECOND GOON:

Sure, weesa believe yousa. Nowsa, you believe ussa. Dat car better be heresa tomorrow or weesa going to do fireworksa on yousa ass.

[TWO GOONS leave, none too soon, leaving a trail of gungun boogers behind them.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Well, I needed about two hundred and ninety dataries and I needed them real quick, or I'd lose my flit. It wasn't on Hoth and it wasn't in the landing pad. I was way ahead of Gardulla, I knew it'd send someone around and I wasn't taking any chances.

[After the GOONS leave, KENOBI stands by the door, pondering for a moment. Then he moves to the center of the room and with his back to the CAMERA, bends waaaaaay over to pick up some Jedi Knickers(tm) while giving the audience a tease of what might be under the robe. As he pulls up the Jedi Knickers(tm), there is the sound of metal jangling as some loose change and keys drop from the pockets. As KENOBI bends over to pick them up, we see that he has dropped a set of keys, identifiable because of a moth-eaten lucky rancor's foot and a package of TROJANS attached to the key-ring. KENOBI pockets the keys and puts on a shirt, much to the chagrin of every FANGIRL watching.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I knew someone would be coming around and I wasn't taking any chances, so I kept it a few levels away in a pad behind Rudy's Oral Sex Stand -- same place I kept my speeder. Rudy would never ask any questions... he'd just look at the size of your package and know the score.

[PAN BEHIND the shack to see KENOBI'S SPEEDER, a yellow, filthy thing with a broken top. KENOBI enters the SHOT. He is wearing standard Jedi gear, except his Jedi Knickers(tm) are two sizes too tight. He steps into the speeder and zooms off. Rudy winks after him.]

[KENOBI navigates his speeder into an alley and parks behind a large delivery hover. PAN AND FOLLOW him as he gets out, walks around the corner then toward the towering plaza and front door of the SENATE BUILDING. A few loafers, rent-boys and sith are lounging there.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I needed a mission and I needed it bad. It was obvious the Council wasn't going to send me anywhere, but I knew a big shot in the Senate who had always liked me. His name was Valorum. He was the supreme chancellor, in fact, with a set of ulcers to prove it.

[The office of FINIS VALORUM (producer Sheldrake): It is in the style of a chief executive's office -- mahogany, leather, synthsilk. On the walls are some large framed holos of famous people, alive and dead, all with dedications to Chancellor Valorum. There are also a couple of framed Young Republican award certificates and a tarnished brass knocker rests on a bookshelf. A senate debate-schedule chart is thumb-tacked into a large bulletin board. There are piles of datapads, a few hashpipes and, somewhere in the background, some cheesy set models from LucasFilm.]

FINIS VALORUM:

All right, Kenobi, you've got five minutes. Where do you want me to send you?

KENOBI:

Telos. Y'see, there's this company there that's been getting awarded a few too many contracts. Seems it's run by a guy who washed out of the Jedi, and once he did, he went into his old man's business. Nice thing to do, but now the business is going gangbusters, and there's gotta be some shady dealing in there.

VALORUM:

And you think the kid is using Jedi Mind Tricks(tm) to win contracts.

[A SECRETARY enters, bearing a glass of blue milk, which she gives to VALORUM. She opens a drawer and pulls out a crystal pill bottle, dumping two pills into her hand which she also gives to VALORUM.]

KENOBI:

Well, yeah. And I think I've got a way to prove it too. But I need to go there, and for that, I need mission funding.

VALORUM:

Got an RFP?

KENOBI:

Got forty pages worth.

VALORUM [to SECRETARY]:

Get the accounting department, see what they have on that RFP by Kenobi.

[The SECRETARY exits. VALORUM swallows the pills he's been given.]

KENOBI:

I'm telling you, this one is hot. There could be Sith involved. The guy never made it past padawan, but he had a lot of Mind Whammy(c) to his credit. The stupid Council won't see it, but I know it's there, all I need is the funding for a little fact-finding, a little prying.

[The door opens and ANAKIN SKYWALKER (Betty Schaefer) enters -- a clean-cut, nice looking blond guy of 19, with a bright, alert manner. He is dressed in tweed suit, Brooks sweater and pearls, and carrying a folder of flimsiplasts. He puts them on VALORUM's desk, not noticing KENOBI, who stands near the door.]

ANAKIN SKYWALKER:

Hello, Chancellor Valorum. On that RFP by Obi-Wan Kenobi, I covered it with a two page synopsis. But I wouldn't bother.

VALORUM:

What's wrong with it?

SKYWALKER:

It's from hunger; it's obviously a panic stretch.

VALORUM:

Nothing for the Council to look at?

SKYWALKER:

Just a paranoid delusion and a rehash of everything that's gone before. No real new ideas, nothing set in plascrete.

VALORUM:

Perhaps you can tell that to Mr. Kenobi's face, since he wrote it.

[SKYWALKER turns towards KENOBI, embarrassed.]

VALORUM:

This is Mr. Skywanker.

SKYWALKER:

Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker. And right now I wish I could find a remote asteroid and take a fast shuttle to it.

KENOBI:

If I could be of any help...

SKYWALKER:

I'm sorry, Knight Kenobi, I just don't think it's a very good idea. There's no evidence to warrant creating a mission, let alone sending an unattached Jedi knight.

KENOBI:

Just what kind of evidence do you want? Spaced bodies? Stripping Sith? Dooku footprints?

VALORUM:

Name dropper.

SKYWALKER:

I just think there should be plascrete evidence of wrong-doing before costly missions are undertaken.

KENOBI:

Oh, you're one of those kids, the ones who believe in credits over righteousness. Just a bit of wrongdoing won't do. You'd have turned down the last Sith war as a mission.

VALORUM:

No, that was me. I said, who cares if the Sith rule the universe? What did they ever do to me?

SKYWALKER:

Perhaps the reason why I turned down the mission was I knew your name. I'd always heard you were one of the best Jedi, a true Jedi.

KENOBI:

That was last year. This year, I'm trying to earn a living.

SKYWALKER:

So you take flimsy proof, half-baked suspicions and hackneyed ideas to go on and turn it into a full-blown mission?

VALORUM:

Careful, those are dirty words! You sound like the Jedi Oversight Committee.

SKYWALKER:

Goodbye, Mr.... I mean, Knight Kenobi.

KENOBI:

Goodbye. Next time I'll bring a few Sith along with me.

[SKYWALKER leaves.]

VALORUM:

Looks like you don't have a mission.

KENOBI:

Chancellor Valorum, I don't want you to think I made all this up, it's a genuine concern!

VALORUM:

Of course, if you could tie this guy in with the Neimoidians...

KENOBI:

I don't think so.

VALORUM:

Or anybody in that damn Trade Federation...

KENOBI:

Are you trying to be funny? Because I'm all out of laughs. I'm just trying to get a job.

VALORUM:

Sure, sure, Kenobi. If something should come along... like maybe the Sith coming back...

KENOBI:

Something coming along is no good! I need it now!

VALORUM:

Haven't got a thing.

KENOBI:

Any kind of mission. Undercover pleasure boy. Assassination even.

VALORUM:

There's nothing, Kenobi. Even if you were a relative.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES: EXT. DAY, Dex's Diner.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

The bastard wouldn't even loan me any money. So, I went to headquarters -- and I don't mean the Temple. These headquarters are a kind of a combination office, Kaffee-klatsch, and waiting room. Everyone waiting, waiting for the gravy-hover.

[INT. Dex's Diner: the usual crowd sits at the counter and in booths. CAMERA PANS to the back of the diner and two public terminals. KENOBI sits at one, a pile of credit chips on the tray in front of him. He makes call after call, sometimes talking, sometimes not.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I got myself a bunch of hard creds and started sending out general SOS calls, requests to everyone I could think of, but I ended up empty-handed. I even called Senator Palpatine, a nice guy I used to get drunk with, but all he could come up with was twenty and a possible place to crash, and I needed a lot more than that to get Gardulla off my ass.

[EXT. shot of KENOBI in his beat-up speeder, tearing up and down the skylanes of the Temple District as his narration continues in a voiceover:]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

As I drove back towards my apartment, I took inventory of my prospects. They now added up to exactly zero. Apparently I just didn't have what it takes to be a proper Jedi knight. I thought maybe it was time to wrap up the whole Jedi deal and go home with a spacebus ticket back to Dagobah, returning to a 35 credit a week job behind the copy desk of the Dagobah Evening Post if it was still open. Back to the smirking delight of the whole office. All right you wise guys, why don't you go out and take a crack at being a Jedi! I've got a higher midi-chlorian count than any of you ever did! Maybe you think you could... uh-oh!

[EXT. DAY, the TEMPLE DISTRICT, high rent area. KENOBI stops his speeder at a red light and suddenly his eyes fall on another speeder. It is a dark-green business coupe, also waiting for the light to change, but headed in the opposite direction. In it are the two goons from Gardulla the Hutt. They spot KENOBI in his speeder and exchange looks. From across the intersection KENOBI recognizes them and pulls down the leather sunshade to screen his face, but it comes off in his hands. As the light changes, KENOBI guns his speeder and shoots away. The men narrowly avoid hitting another speeder as they make a U-turn into oncoming traffic and start after him.]

[There is a very long, very boring chase scene, nothing that we haven't seen before. Finally, KENOBI is able to duck into a run-down hangar behind a wall in the pricier section of the TEMPLE DISTRICT, on Jedi Temple Boulevard. He is relieved to see the goons ride by without seeing him.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I had landed myself in the driveway of some big place that looked run-down and deserted. It had a lovely thing, though, a big hangar that looked almost deserted. All that space, going to waste! What a good place to store a flit with a hot license!

[The HANGAR is an enormous thing, mostly empty save for an exotic-looking ship, covered with dust, registered ten years before.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

The only other occupant of the hangar was a huge foreign-built ship with a ten-year-old license. I figured that's when the owners had moved out. And I also figured I couldn't go back to my apartment, now that those bloodhounds were onto me. The idea was to get to Senator Palpatine's and stay there until I could make that spacebus for Dagobah. Once back in Dagobah, I'd drop the credit boys a picture postcard telling them where to pick up the flit. I was gonna miss that flit. But I'd miss my kneecaps more.

[KENOBI exits his speeder and leaves the hangar, closing the door behind him and walking up the drive. In idle curiosity he mounts a stone staircase which leads to a garden. CAMERA IN BACK OF HIM. At the top of the stone steps, he sees the somber pile which is the house of QUI-GON JINN (Norma Desmond). It is a grandiose Nubian structure, mottled by the years, gloomy, forsaken; little formal garden gone completely to seed.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

It was a great big white bantha of a place. The kind crazy people who have too much credit and not enough sense build. A neglected house gets an unhappy look and this one had it in spades. I almost expected to see the tattered ghost of Nomi Sunrider, taking it out on the world because she'd been given the go-by.

[From somewhere above and off-camera comes a voice.]

VOICE [off-screen]:

You, there! Why are you so late? Why have you kept me waiting so long?

[Behind a bamboo blind there is movement of a dark, shadowed figure. KENOBI stands flabbergasted. A new noise attracts his attention: it is the creak of a heavy metal and glass door being opened. He turns and sees the ENTRANCE TO THE HOUSE. MACE WINDU (Max Von Mayerling) stands there. He is bald and dressed all in black, except for immaculate white cotton gloves, shirt, high, stiff collar and a white bow tie. His coat is shiny black alpaca, his trousers ledger-striped. He is semi-paralyzed. The left side of his mouth is pulled down, and he leans on a rubber-ferruled stick.]

WINDU:

In here!

[KENOBI enters the shot.]

KENOBI:

I just put my speeder in the hangar... I thought that...

WINDU:

Go on in.

[There is authority in the gesture of his white-gloved hand as he motions KENOBI inside.]

KENOBI:

Look, maybe I'd better take my speeder...

WINDU:

Wipe your feet!

[Automatically, KENOBI wipes his feet on an enormous, shaggy, coconut mat.]

WINDU:

You are not dressed properly.

KENOBI:

Dressed for what?

VOICE:

Mace! Have him come up, Mace!

WINDU [gesturing]:

Up the stairs!

KENOBI:

Suppose you just listen for a minute...

WINDU:

Master is waiting!

KENOBI:

For me? Okay.

[KENOBI enters. ]

[INT. QUI-GON JINN's ENTRANCE HALL: It is grandiose and grim. The whole place is like one of those abortions of .com days, with bowling alleys in the cellar, a built-in pipe organ, and beams imported from Alderaan, with Coruscant termites at work on them. Portieres are drawn before all the windows, and only thin slits or sunlight find their way in to fight the few lights which are always burning.]

[KENOBI starts up the curve of the black marble staircase. It has a wrought-iron rail and a worn velvet rope along the wall.]

WINDU [from below]:

If you need any help with the coffin, call me.

[The absurdity of the situation has caught KENOBI's imagination. He climbs the stairs with a kind of morbid fascination -- that is, he would be, if we could read his mind because how in hell an actor could convey THAT I have no idea. At the top he stops, undecided, then turns to the right and is stopped by:]

VOICE:

This way!

[KENOBI swings around. QUI-GON JINN (Norma Desmond) stands down the corridor next to a doorway from which emerges a flickering light. He is a very tall man. There is a curious style, a great sense of high voltage about him, like a huge, ugly power line. He is dressed in black house pyjamas and black soft slippers. Around his throat there is a leopard-patterned scarf, and wound around his head a turban of the same material. His skin is very pale, and he is wearing dark glasses. Big dark glasses.]

QUI-GON JINN:

In here. I put him on my massage table in front of the fire. He always liked fires and poking at them with a stick.

[INT. QUI-GON JINN'S BEDROOM: It is a huge, gloomy room hung in white brocade which has become dirty over the years and even slightly torn in a few places. There's a great, unmade gilded bed in the shape of a swan, from which the gold had begun to peel. There is a disorder of clothes and negligees and condoms and whips and handcuffs and faded holos of old-time Jedi about.]

[In an imitation baroque fireplace some logs are burning. On the massage table before it lies a small form shrouded under a Nubian shawl. At each end on a baroque pedestal stands a three-branched candelabrum, the candles lighted.]

JINN:

I've made up my mind that we'll bury him in the garden. Any local laws forbidding that?

KENOBI:

I wouldn't know.

JINN:

I don't care anyway. I want the coffin to be white. And I want it to be specially lined with satin. White or deep pink.

[JINN picks up the shawl to make up his mind about the color. From under the shawl flops down a dead arm. KENOBI stares and recoils a little. It is like a child's arm, only black and hairy.]

JINN:

Maybe red. Bright, flaming red. Gay. Let's make it gay.

[KENOBI edges closer and glances down. Under the shawl he sees the sad, bearded face of a dead ape of some kind. JINN drops back the shawl.]

JINN:

How much will it be? I warn you, don't give me a fancy price just because I'm rich.

KENOBI:

Buddy, you have got the wrong man.

[JINN peers at KENOBI for the first time, through the dark glasses.]

KENOBI:

I had some trouble with my... with my speeder. I pulled into your hangar because I thought it was deserted. I thought this was an empty house.

JINN:

I have... I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers...

KENOBI [frowns]:

Um... Master? Wrong script.

JINN [looks confused for a beat]:

Oh. Sorry. Ahem. Where were we?

KENOBI [rolls eyes]:

I had some trouble with my... with my speeder. I pulled into your hangar because I thought it was deserted. I thought this was an empty house.

JINN:

It is not. Get out.

KENOBI:

I'm sorry, and I'm sorry you lost your friend, and I don't think red is the right color.

JINN:

Get out.

KENOBI:

Sure. Wait a minute -- haven't I seen you -- ?

JINN:

Or shall I call my servant?

KENOBI:

I know your face. You're Qui-Gon Jinn. You're one of the old guard of Jedi, the ones who went on the big missions. You used to be big.

JINN:

I AM big. It's the missions that got small.

KENOBI:

I knew there was something wrong with them.

JINN:

The grand times are dead. They're finished. There was a time when Jedi had the eyes of the whole universe. But that wasn't good enough for the Council, oh, no. They wanted the ears of the universe, too; the ears, and the spleen, and gall bladder, and those tiny little things in the pancreas, what are they called, the islets of something or other.

KENOBI:

Langerhans.

JINN:

Thank you. That's what the Council wanted, they wanted it all! And we weren't supposed to have it all. We are Jedi. We are supposed to serve and protect. Look who's got control of the council -- a lot of short, squat little frogs croaking pish-posh.

KENOBI:

Don't get sore at me. I'm not on the Council. I'm just a knight.

JINN:

You are? You? You're a Jedi knight? Ha! You're no knight! For one thing, you're too short! And for another you're dressed far to casually, you think you could protect yourself wearing pants that tight? And where's your lightsaber? You're no knight, you're a pathetic Jedi groupie!

KENOBI:

I'll have you know I'm off-duty, and I dress as I like, and I'm not that short!

JINN:

Get out!

[KENOBI starts down the stairs.]

KENOBI:

Fine! Next time I'll bring my autograph album along, or maybe a hunk of plascrete and ask for your balls!

[KENOBI is halfway down the staircase when he is stopped by JINN's voice.]

JINN:

Just a minute, you!

KENOBI:

Yeah?

JINN:

You're a knight, you said.

KENOBI:

Why?

[JINN starts down the stairs.]

JINN:

Are you or aren't you?

KENOBI:

I think that's what it says on my lightsaber license, yeah.

JINN:

And you have gone on missions, haven't you?

KENOBI:

Sure have. The last one I went on was a fact-finding mission out on the outer-rim investigating eopie rustlers. Boring as hell. Paid like shit too.

[JINN has reached KENOBI at the bottom of the staircase.]

JINN:

I want to ask you something. Come in here.

[JINN leads KENOBI into the LIVING ROOM. The huge room is dark and damp and filled with black oak and red velvet furniture which looks like crappy props from an original Star Trek set. Along the main wall, a gigantic fireplace has been freezing for years. On the gold piano is a galaxy of photographs of Qui-Gon Jinn on various missions. On one wall is a painting -- a portrait of QUI-GON JINN shaking hands with GOD. One corner is filled with a large pipe organ, and as JINN and KENOBI enter, there is a grizzly moaning sound. KENOBI looks around.]

JINN:

Mynocks get stuck in that blasted pipe organ. I ought to have it taken out.

KENOBI:

Or find a better brand of mynock.

[JINN has led KENOBI to the card tables which stand side by side near a window. They are piled high with flimsiplasts scrawled in a large, uncertain hand.]

JINN:

How long is a mission spec these days? I mean, how many pages?

KENOBI:

Depends on what it is -- whether you're going to use your 'saber or stand around looking mummified.

JINN:

This is to be a very important mission. I have written the spec myself. Took me a long, long time.

KENOBI [looking at the piles of flimsiplast]:

I can see that. Looks like enough for six important missions.

JINN:

The Sith have returned. I'm the only one who knows it. There is also a Chosen One, who is to do some damn thing or other, but that's secondary. It will be a harrowing mission, with many close calls and spectacular fights, both with a lightsaber and a blaster, though the latter are simply SO inelegant.

KENOBI:

And you'll be the lead?

JINN:

Who else?

KENOBI:

Only asking. I thought you were retired.

JINN:

I hate that word. I am not retired, I am far to young to do so. I could not retire, there would be millions of people on billions of worlds who would never forgive me for deserting them. Billlll-yuns and billll-yuns.

KENOBI:

Oooh-kay.

JINN:

The Sith... finally, a worthy villain for me. You have no idea how hard it is to be the best swordsman in the galaxy and to have no one worthy enough, adept at lightsaber sufficiently to be your foil! I have long waited for this chance.

KENOBI:

Yeah. I can see that.

JINN:

You don't believe me. Fine! Read the spec. That will convince you.

KENOBI:

Never let another Jedi read your mission spec. He may steal it.

JINN:

Could that be foreshadowing? Naaaah. I'm not afraid. Read it!
[Calling] Mace! Mace!
[To KENOBI] Sit down. Is there enough light?

KENOBI:

I've got twenty-twenty vision.

[WINDU enters the shot.]

JINN:

Bring something to drink.

WINDU:

Yeth, mahthter.

[WINDU leaves, limping and hunched over. JINN turns to KENOBI again.]

JINN:

I said sit down.

[As KENOBI sits slowly and starts reading, WINDU re-enters, pushing a wicker tea wagon on which are two bottles of Champagne and two red, Onderon crystal glasses, a box of Animal Crackers and a jar of Purple Goo. JINN curls up deep in a large chair. There is a gold ring on his forefinger with a clip which holds a deathstick. He gets up at one point to force another batch of script pages on KENOBI, then returns to his chair.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Well. I had no pressing engagements and he mentioned something to drink... Sometimes it's interesting to see just how bad bad writing can be. This promised to go the limit. I wondered what a handwriting expert would make of that childish scrawl of his. Mace wheeled in some Champagne and some Goo. Later, I found out that Mace was the only other person in that grim castle, and I found out a few other things about him. As for Jinn, he sat coiled up like a watch spring, his deathstick clamped in a curious holder. I could sense his eyes on me from behind those dark glasses, defying me not to like what I read, or maybe begging me in his own proud way to like it. It meant so much to him.

[PAN DOWN to the moaning, chirping organ. PAN OVER to the ENTRANCE DOOR. WINDU opens it and a solemn-faced man in undertaker's clothes brings in a small white coffin. Through these shots the room has been growing darker, as the sun sets.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

It sure was a cozy set-up. That bundle of raw nerves, and Mace, and that dead monkey upstairs, and the birds wheezing through that organ once in a while. Later on, just for comedy relief, the real guy arrived with a baby coffin for the dead monkey. It was all done with great dignity. He must have been a very important chimp, the great grandson of King Kong, maybe.

[KENOBI continues reading. The lamp beside him is now really paying its way in the dark room. A lot of the spec pages are piled about him, on the floor around his chair. A half-empty Champagne glass stands on the arm of the chair.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

It got to be eleven. I was feeling a little sick to my stomach what with that sweet champagne and the tripe I'd been reading -- a silly hodgepodge of paranoia and derring-do, all done with utter romantic murder. However, by then, I'd started concocting a little mission spec myself...

[THE CAMERA SLOWLY DRAWS BACK to include QUI-GON JINN sitting in the dusk, just as he was before. KENOBI puts down the last page of the spec. There is a little pause.]

JINN [impatient]:

Well?

KENOBI:

This is... fascinating.

JINN:

Of course it is.

KENOBI:

Of course, it's more than a bit melodramatic. But I imagine that was deliberate on your part.

JINN:

I wrote that with my heart, from evidence I've felt with my own mind.

KENOBI:

Sure you did. That's what might make it a great mission. What it needs is a little more proof.

JINN:

What for? Everything is there, it's all in the spec.

KENOBI:

And it certainly could use a pair of shears and a blue pencil. A big blue pencil.

JINN:

I will not have it butchered.

KENOBI:

Of course not. But it ought to be organized. Just an editing job. You can find somebody.

JINN:

Who? I'd have to have somebody I can trust. When were you born -- I mean, what sign of the zodiac?

KENOBI:

I don't know.

JINN:

What month?

KENOBI:

December twenty-first.

JINN:

Sagittarius. I like Sagittarians. You can trust them. I'm strong in the Living Force, more so than any other Force-sensitive being; I know things about people the moment I meet them. It's why I was such a successful negotiator. I know I can trust you. I can feel it.

KENOBI:

Thank you.

JINN:

I want you to do this work, edit the spec so that it will be immediately accepted by the Council.

KENOBI:

Me? I'm busy. Just finished one mission and I'm due on another.

JINN:

I don't care. You can come with me on the mission, be my second.

KENOBI:

You know, I'm pretty expensive. I get five hundred dataries a week when I'm on a mission, and that's without expenses.

JINN:

I wouldn't worry about money. I'll make it worth your while.

KENOBI:

Maybe I'd better take the rest of the spec home and read it -

JINN:

Oh no. I couldn't let it out of my house. You'll have to finish it here.

KENOBI:

It's getting kind of late --

JINN:

Are you attached, mister... I mean, Knight -- ?

KENOBI:

The name is Kenobi. Obi-Wan. And attachments are forbidden Jedi.

JINN:

Yes. Of course. Where do you live?

KENOBI:

In the Temple District. The Alto Nido Apartments.

JINN:

There's something wrong with your speeder, you said.

KENOBI:

You could say that.

JINN:

You can stay here.

KENOBI:

I'll come early tomorrow.

[JINN takes off his glasses, stares intently at KENOBI.]

JINN:

Nonsense. You will stay here. There's room over the hangar. Mace will take you there... Mace!

[CAMERA DISSOLVE TO a small staircase, leading to a room over the hangar. WINDU is leading KENOBI.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

He sure could be convincing, with those deep blue eyes of his boring right into you. I'd heard about that glare, the famous Jinn Glare(c) - it had been his trademark. That'd made him the Number One Stud of another era. I remember a rather florid description in an old Jedi fan magazine which said: "His eyes are like two moonlit waterholes, where strange animals come to drink." Whatever. I felt kind of pleased with the way I'd handled the situation. I dropped the hook and he snapped at it.

[WINDU is carrying a glowstick as he shows KENOBI up to the room over the hangar. KENOBI still carries a batch of the spec pages.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Now, I'd be safe from Gardulla's goons and even if they did find my flit it didn't matter. I would be out of commission and protected while I did a patch-up job on the spec. And there should be plenty of money in it, too. Maybe enough to buy a whole new flit. The old one was pretty run-down, after all.

[WINDU pushes open a door at the top of the stairs.]

WINDU:

I made your bed this afternoon.

KENOBI:

Thanks.
[He hesitates a beat then turns to WINDU, puzzled.]
How did you know I'd be staying here this afternoon?

[WINDU doesn't answer. He walks across to the bed and turns on a light above it. The light goes on, revealing: A GABLED BEDROOM. There are dirty windows on two sides, and dingy wallpaper on the cracked plaster walls. For furniture there is a neatly made bed, a table and a few chairs which might have been discarded from the main house.]

WINDU:

This room has not been used for a long time.

KENOBI:

It will never make house Beautiful. I guess it's O.K. for one night.

[WINDU gives KENOBI an enigmatic look.]

WINDU [pointing]:

There is the bathroom. I put in soap and a toothbrush.

KENOBI:

Thanks.
[He starts taking off his coat]
Say, he's quite a character, that Qui-Gon Jinn.

WINDU:

He was the greatest of them all. You wouldn't know. You are too young. In one week, he received 17,000 requests for help, from all over the galaxy. Beings of all species would bribe his hairdresser to get a lock of his hair, a clipping of a nail. There was a prince who came all the way from Alderaan to beg for one of his socks. Later, he strangled himself with it.

KENOBI:

I sure turned into an interesting driveway.

WINDU:

You did, sir.

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I pegged Windu as slightly cuckoo too, even though I was pretty sure he was a Jedi as well. A stroke victim, maybe. Come to think about it, the whole place seemed to have been stricken with a kind of creeping paralysis, out of beat with the rest of the galaxy, crumbling apart in slow motion. There was a bocci court, or rather the ghost of a bocci court, with faded markings and a sagging net. And of course, he had a pool - who didn't then, even with the rationing of water on Coruscant - but it was empty.

[KENOBI starts to turn away from the window but motion stops him. It is JINN and WINDU. WINDU is carrying the small white coffin towards a small grave which has been dug into the dead turf. JINN carries one of the candelabra, all of its candles flickering in the wind. They reach the grave and lower the coffin into it. Then, JINN lighting his task with the candelabrum, WINDU takes a spade from the loose earth and starts filling in the grave.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

It was all very queer, but queerer things were yet to come. I remember someone saying to me once, "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" She had no idea.

[END OF FIRST ACT; BEGIN SECOND ACT]

[Calm down. There's only about forty pages to go.]

[INT. JINN HOUSE, DAY. The day is overcast as KENOBI wakens.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

That night, I'd had a mixed up dream. In it was an organ grinder. I couldn't see his face but the grinder was all draped in black and a little green guy with big ears was dancing for pennies. When I opened my eyes, the music was still there. I remember wondering, where was I? I mean, I'd had my share of waking up in strange beds, but usually there was an ache in my backside which reassured me there was a good time at the root of it. So to speak.

[Muted daylight seeps through the blinds into his room. KENOBI is lying on the bed under a shabby quilt, just opening his eyes. The spec is beside him, mostly on the bedside table but some pages are scattered on the floor. It takes him a moment to adjust to his strange surroundings. His eyes, wandering about the room, roll to a stop and bounce back into his head as he realizes the heavy chair he'd placed under the doorknob to his room has been moved. The door stands ajar.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Oh, yes, I was in that empty room over Jinn's hangar. Only it wasn't empty any more. Somebody had brought in all my belongings... my books, my dataset, my lightsaber, my clothes... What was going on?

[KENOBI jumps out of bed. He's wearing the same clothes from the night before. He runs around in the room, basically acting like a lunatic, taking inventory of everything in the room, which is everything from his apartment. The CAMERA DISSOLVES to a PAIR OF HANDS IN WHITE GLOVES, PLAYING with an ORGAN in JINN's living room.]

[The CAMERA PULLS BACK. The hands playing the organ belong to WINDU. He is erect and his bull neck is as taut as a wrestler's as he pulls out chord after somber chord. He sits in a shaft of gray light coming from an open French window which proves he's not a vampire, not that it matters. Through the far archway, KENOBI storms into the big room.]

KENOBI:

Hey, you -- Mace -- whatever -your-name-is -- what are my things doing here?

[KENOBI gets no answer from WINDU which shouldn't surprise anyone.]

KENOBI:

I'm talking to you. My clothes and things are up in the room.

WINDU:

Naturally. I brought them myself.

KENOBI [furiously]:

Is that so!

WINDU:

Why are you so upset? Is there anything missing?

KENOBI:

Who said you could? Who asked you to?

[From the shadows comes JINN's voice as KENOBI moves into the shaft of light.]

JINN [off-camera]:

I did.

[KENOBI looks around and spots JINN, who is reclining on the couch by the fireplace. He is dressed in a black leather bustier, fishnet stockings and dark glasses.]

JINN:

I don't know why you should be so upset. Stop that playing, Mace.
[To KENOBI again]
It seemed like a good idea -- if we are to work together.

KENOBI:

Look, I'm supposed to fix up your spec. There's nothing in the deal about my staying here.

JINN:

You'll like it here.

KENOBI:

Thanks for the invitation, but I have my own apartment.

JINN:

You can't work in an apartment where you owe three months' rent.

KENOBI:

I'll take care of that.

JINN:

It's all taken care of. It's all paid for.

KENOBI:

I'm used to paying my own bills.

JINN:

You proud boy, why didn't you tell me you were having difficulties.

KENOBI:

Okay. We'll deduct it from my salary.

JINN:

Now, now, don't let's be small about such matters. We won't keep books.
[To WINDU]
Go on, unpack Knight Kenobi's things.

KENOBI:

Unpack nothing. I didn't say I was staying.

[JINN removes his glasses again, pinning KENOBI down with a glare.]

JINN:

Suppose you make up your mind. Do you want this job or don't you?
[to WINDU]
Play it, Mace. Play it for me.

KENOBI:

Christ, how many movies is this thing gonna rip off, anyway?

[DISSOLVE to INT. HOUSE. DAY. It is LATER because the AUTHOR is getting tired of writing EVERYTHING in script FORMAT. KENOBI is in the living room, working on JINN's spec. He is typing furiously into his dataset and the hydrospanner is once again between his teeth, because he's such an oral person. Pencils, pens, jugs of White-Out(tm) and shears are nearby.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

So I let him unpack my stuff. I wanted the dough and I wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could. But it wasn't so simple, trying to make sense out of what Jinn had apparently 'sensed.' The spec was a wild, melodramatic thing, involving the Trade Federation, a tiny rim-planet called Naboo, the Malastarians, a Sith hiding in the senate, the Hutts running slavery rings from the outer rim and some human kid winning a pod race, which was patently ridiculous.

[Facing him at some distance sits JINN, once again wearing a set of lounging pajamas, the deathstick contraption once again on his finger. He is autographing large holos of himself and sliding them into envelopes.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

What made it tougher was that he was around all the time, hovering over me, afraid I'd do injury to that precious brainchild of his.

[KENOBI takes two or three pages from JINN's spec and, using a red pen, crosses them out and sets them aside. JINN rises, crosses to KENOBI and looks over his shoulder.

JINN:

What's that?

KENOBI:

Just a chunk I cut out.

JINN:

What chunk?

KENOBI:

The one where you single-handedly fight the Sith apprentice. You can cut right to the part where the rescued queen comes to --

JINN:

Cut out my fighting?

KENOBI:

Honestly, it's a little old hat. Jedi have moved away from action and more into diplomacy. The Council and the Senate both don't want that any more.

JINN:

They don't? Then why do they still write me mission requests every day? Why do they beg me for my holos? Because they want to see me, me, me! Qui-Gon Jinn.

KENOBI [resigned]:

Okay.

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I didn't argue with him. You don't yell at a sleepwalker. He may fall and break his neck. That's it. He was still sleepwalking along the giddy heights of a lost career - plain crazy when it came to that one subject: himself as the great action hero. The great Qui-Gon Jinn! How could he breathe in that house so crowded with Qui-Gon Jinns?

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. NIGHT. The LIVING ROOM. CAMERA focuses on the large painting of JINN shaking hands with GOD. WINDU enters the shot, presses a button and the painting disappears into the ceiling, revealing a large holo screen. WINDU exits.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

It wasn't all work, of course. Two or three times a week, Mace would raise the huge painting in the living room and we'd watch old holos of Qui-Gon Jinn's fabulous missions. Qui-Gon Jinn being thanked, and feted, and praised. Qui-Gon Jinn saving the day, single-handedly killing a rancor with a paperclip and a jockstrap. Women and men falling at Qui-Gon Jinn's feet, begging to be fucked. Can you say boring?

[Several times as they watch, JINN would take KENOBI's arm and fondle it, leaning into KENOBI as he watched himself on the holoscreen. He is clearly excited, just as KENOBI is clearly bored out of his mind.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

The plain fact was he was afraid of that world outside. Afraid it would remind him that time had passed and the Jedi Action Hero(tm) was no longer needed. No, the time of whirling lightsabers has passed. Qui-Gon Jinn could negotiate with the best of 'em, but he was happier when eviscerating some poor criminal slob with his 'saber and that was a skill that was not much in demand, lately.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to EXT. DAY; JINN and KENOBI are in the exotic-looking ship that had been up on blocks in the hangar; WINDU is piloting. Once MORE, time has PASSED because the SCRIPT is getting BORING.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

After a couple of weeks, I went out for a walk and discovered my speeder was gone. Mace told me the two goons from Gardulla had found it and taken it -- which meant my flit was gone too, since the speeder had a homer in it set to the flit. The bastard hadn't even told me about it when it happened. I was plenty pissed, let me tell you, but all Jinn said was say we could use his vehicle, which turned out to be a hand-made Isotta-Fraschini touring vehicle, suitable for both hyperspace and slinking down the miracle mile. So Mace got that old bus down off its blocks and polished it up. The damn thing was upholstered in leopard skin, and had ancient car phone, all gold-plated.

[KENOBI is sitting next to JINN in the backseat. JINN is wearing standard Jedi tunics - hand-tailored and made out of expensive synthsilk - and his standard dark glasses. KENOBI is wearing his two-sizes too-tight leggings with a much-loved flannel tunic in flaming orange. KENOBI does not have his lightsaber, but JINN carries his on his utility belt. JINN is studying KENOBI as they drive.]

JINN:

That's a dreadful shirt you're wearing.

KENOBI:

What's wrong with It?

JINN:

Nothing, if you work in a sewer on Dagobah. And I'm getting rather bored with those same too-tight pants. They're excellent for an undercover streetwalker and show off your rather generous package, but if you're going to be paired with me, you will dress the part.
[He picks up the car phone]
Mace, where's the best place to get good tunics these days? The very best... Well, go there!

KENOBI:

I don't need any tunics, I've got plenty of them. I just don't choose to wear them when I'm off-duty.

JINN:

Yes, yes, I've seen your tunics. They're threadbare and made out of cotton for Force's sake. Hardly proper Jedi attire.

KENOBI:

They're perfectly good enough for me, and I certainly don't want you buying them for --

JINN:

Why begrudge me a little fun? I just want you to look like a proper Jedi, my stray little knight.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. CLOTHING STORE. We are in the 'Jedi Section' and it is obvious that the tunics on display are a far better cut and fabric than anything KENOBI can afford. JINN has already ordered five sets of tunics over KENOBI's weakening objections.]

JINN:

How about some evening clothes?

KENOBI:

I don't need a tuxedo.

JINN:

Of course you do. A Jedi must be ready for every occasion, including elaborate receptions in his honor. A tuxedo and tails.

KENOBI:

Tails. That's ridiculous. I've got dress blacks --

JINN [speaking over KENOBI's objections]:

You'll need them for parties and receptions, especially at the Senate Building. You'll need them for Boonta Eve.
[to a hovering salesbot]
Where are your evening clothes?

SALESBOT:

This way, Sir.

KENOBI [voiceover]:

In the end, I had no choice. He had me outfitted with tunics made from synthsilk, underwear made of exotic fabrics that wicked moisture away from the body, robes made from tauntaun fur, even jockstraps made from Ilum crystal and satin. Then while I had my back turned, I discovered all my 'real' clothes were gone, gone like they had never been. By that time, I knew I'd better not holler. I had to accept it: I was a kept man. I guess it wasn't so bad, really.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. HOUSE. It is raining (outside, not inside, silly.) WINDU is carrying some of KENOBI's clothes. KENOBI follows him, carrying more clothing and other things from his room. They are walking up the grand staircase to the second floor.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Once the scheduled rains hit, I discovered a problem: the roof over my room leaked. Jinn, of course, said it was no problem and assigned me a room in the main house.

[CAMERA QUICK DISSOLVE to INT. room in the house. It is obviously a man's room -- heavy Nubian furniture -- one wall nothing but a closet with shelves and drawers for shirts and shoes, eyebolts in the wall for various bondage instruments. WINDU begins hanging up the suits. KENOBI throws some tunics on a big chair, tosses the slippers at the foot of the bed, places dataset and the many pages of the spec on a desk at the window.]

KENOBI [looking around]:

Whose room is this?

WINDU:

It was the room of the many male lovers Master Jinn has had in his life. If there's one thing he knows in life, it's men. You might say it's been his life's work.

KENOBI:

Uh-huh. And where's the room for all his female lovers?

WINDU:

The roof leaks.

[KENOBI shakes his head and rubs his forehead with his hand before picking up some toiletries and moving to the attached bedroom. As he passes the main door to the room, he notices that the lock has been gouged out, just as it has on all the other interior doors.]

KENOBI:

Hey, what's this with the door? There isn't any lock.

WINDU:

There are no locks anywhere in this house.

KENOBI:

How come?

WINDU:

The doctor suggested it.

KENOBI:

What doctor?

WINDU:

Master's doctor. He has moments of melancholy. There have been some suicide attempts.

KENOBI:

If Jinn's doctor has attempted suicide, isn't it strange--

WINDU:

No, you idiot, the Master. Master Jinn.

KENOBI:

Jinn? Surely you're joking.

WINDU:

No. We have to be very careful. No sleeping pills or sharp implements. The crystals have been removed from his lightsaber.

KENOBI:

That's even weirder than his doctor attempting suicide. Why would Qui-Gon do that, what reason does he have to be melancholy? His career? He got enough out of it. He's not forgotten. He still gets those fan letters and mission requests.

WINDU:

I wouldn't look too closely at those. He certainly doesn't.

KENOBI [jaw dropping]:

You send them. Is that it, Mace? The Council doesn't want him anymore, or else he'd be on the active duty roster. You're the one sending the requests, aren't you?

WINDU:

I'd better press your evening clothes, sir. You have not forgotten Master's Boonta Eve party, tonight. And don't call me Shirley.

KENOBI [rolling eyes]:

You had to throw that one in there.

WINDU [leaving]:

The readers were expecting it, sir.

[WINDU leaves. KENOBI moves to the closet to hang up some tunics and sees that a door, adjoining the next room, is ajar. He pushes it open and sees that it's JINN's bedroom.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

There it was again - that room of his, all satin and ruffles. And that bed, like a gilded rowboat. The perfect setting for a Jedi Action Hero(tm) to romance the Rescued Prince. Poor devil - still waving proudly to a parade which had long since passed him by. I wondered what it would be like to make love to Qui-Gon Jinn in that bed, and realized this movie is rated G so there was about as much chance of that as there was of banthas flying. But then again, hope springs eternal in the hearts of slashers. Maybe I'd get lucky.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. HOUSE. It is night and the house is decorated for Boonta Eve. KENOBI is coming down the grand staircase, dressed in his new tux and adjusting the handkerchief in his pocket. He obviously feels a bit self-conscious in the clothes he's wearing but nobody cares because it's EWAN MCGREGOR IN A TUX OMG!!!!! As he gets to the entrance to the LIVING ROOM, he stops and looks around.]

KENOBI:

It was at the Boonta Eve party where I found out exactly how Qui-Gon felt about me and got a clue that I might be getting lucky by the end of the movie. I guess I'm not all that strong in the Living Force -- my specialty is the Unifying Force -- and so had missed the cues. Regardless, it was a bit of a surprise.

[THE BIG ROOM has been decorated for the occasion with garlands of greenery from a dozen worlds. Candles in all the sconces and candelabra are ablaze, their flickering flames are reflected in the waxed surface of the tile floor. There is a buffet, with buckets of champagne and Purple Goo on ice. In one corner on a little platform banked with palms, a four-piece cantina band is playing John Williams' Greatest Hits. At the buffet are WINDU and JINN. JINN is drinking a glass of champagne. He is wearing... do I really have to say what he's wearing? I mean, I'd really rather not. The leather bustier was bad enough. SIGH Oh, well. JINN is wearing a black diamonte evening dress, very high style, accessorized with long black gloves and a headdress of paradise feathers. His eyes fall on KENOBI. He puts down the glass of champagne, picks up a gardenia boutonniere and moves toward him.]

JINN:

Obi-Wan, you look absolutely divine. Turn around!

KENOBI [preens]:

You can see me well enough. Or do you just want to stare at my ass?

JINN:

Of course I do!

[KENOBI makes a slow 360-degree turn. FANGIRLS everywhere salivate at the idea of KENOBI dressed in a well-made tuxedo.]

JINN:

Perfect. Wonderful shoulders. An ass to die for. And I love that line.

[JINN is indicating the V from KENOBI's shoulders to his hips but not even the AUTHOR believes THAT shit.]

KENOBI:

No padding at all, you know. Never have needed any.

JINN:

Come here!

[JINN puts a gardenia on KENOBI's lapel.]

KENOBI:

You know, to me dressing up was always just putting on my dress blacks.

JINN:

I don't like those studs they've sent. I want you to have pearls. Nice big pearls.

KENOBI:

I've already got holes for rings, you know. And not just in my ears.

JINN:

Cute. Let's have some drinks.

[JINN leads KENOBI over to the buffet.]

KENOBI:

Shouldn't we wait for the others?

JINN [pointing at the floor]:

Careful, it's slippery. I had it waxed. Just like my legs.

[From the orchestra there is a RIM SHOT. They reach the buffet. WINDU is ready with two glasses of champagne. JINN hands KENOBI a glass.]

JINN:

Here's to us.

[They drink. The AUTHOR wishes she had one as well.]

JINN:

You know, this floor used to be wood but I had it changed. Count Dooku said there is nothing like tiles for a tango.

[JINN opens his arms.]

KENOBI:

But... but... I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies!

JINN [blinks]:

Um... wrong script, Padawan.

KENOBI [embarrassed]:

Oh, shit. Where were we?

JINN:

Tango.

KENOBI:

Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
[he pauses for a beat, obviously thinking]
But I don't know how to tango!

JINN:

It was a stupid line anyway. Just follow me.

[They start to tango and the FANGIRLS begin dropping like flies. After a moment --]

JINN:

Don't bend back like that.

KENOBI:

It's those feathers. They tickle.

[JINN pulls the paradise feathers from his hair and tosses them away. As they play the tango, the musicians eye the dancing couple, take in the situation, exchange glances and turn away with professional discretion. The AUTHOR is left to fall on the floor laughing after reading the line in the script. KENOBI glances at the chronometer on the wall.]

KENOBI:

It's a quarter past ten. What time are they supposed to get here?

JINN:

Who?

KENOBI:

The other guests?

JINN:

There are no other guests. We don't want to share this night with other people. This is for you and me.

KENOBI:

Don't you think that's a little obsessive of you? I mean, Glenn Close you ain't.

JINN:

Hold me tighter.

KENOBI:

Come midnight, how about blind-folding the orchestra and smashing champagne glasses on Mace's head?

JINN:

You think this is all very funny.

KENOBI:

Well, yeah, as does anyone else reading this. I mean. Really.

JINN:

Is it funny that I'm in love with you?

KENOBI:

What's that?

JINN:

What, love? It means I get all tingly when I think of you. It means I want to be with you for the rest of my life. It means I hear music even when you fart. It means...

KENOBI:

Look, if you want to fuck, just say so.

[They dance on. KENOBI is fetchingly embarrassed. THE CAMERA SLOWLY PULLS BACK, PANS past the faces of the musicians, who are only extras in bad rubber suits and so aren't deserving of more time. Finally it winds up on WINDU, behind the buffet. He stands watching KENOBI, a faint trace of pity in his eyes; we can see it stenciled on his retinas.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I'm sure a lot of you will laugh about this. Ridiculous situation, wasn't it? A guy almost twice my age... Well, at least I thought so at the beginning. But the more Champagne I drank, the younger Jinn looked, and I realized that evening gown he wore was perfect for easy access. It got to be about a quarter of eleven. I felt caught, like a deathstick in the prongs of that contraption on his finger and I wasn't complaining. Well, not much.

[JINN and KENOBI are sitting on a couch in front of the cavernous fireplace. JINN holds out his deathstick to KENOBI, who takes a drag on it.]

JINN:

What a wonderful next year it's going to be. What fun we're going to have. While we're waiting for the final authorization from the Council, I'll fill the pool for you. I could even open my house on Alderaan, and you can have the whole planet at your feet. While we're on the mission, we can use my ship. It has a sunken tub with jets.

KENOBI [clearly uncomfortable]:

Stop it. You aren't going to buy me anything more.

JINN:

Don't be silly.
[He reaches under a pillow of the couch and brings out a leather box]
Here. I was going to give it to you at midnight.

[KENOBI opens the box. It contains a matched set of leather handcuffs and riding crop.]

JINN:

There's an inscription on the inside of the cuffs.

[KENOBI pulls out the padded handcuffs. Engraved inside is: TO OBI-WAN FROM QUI-GON, and two bars of music.]

KENOBI:

What are the notes?

JINN:

"Tie Me Up Before You Go-Go."

KENOBI:

Qui-Gon, I can't take it. You've bought me enough.

JINN:

Shut up. I'm rich. I'm richer than all this new Jedi trash. I've got a billion dataries in stock and paid-off politicians.

KENOBI:

Keep it.

JINN:

I own three blocks downtown. I have lava mines on Mustafar -- pumping, pumping, pumping. What use is it except to make crude double-entendres about?

KENOBI:

Cut out that us business.

[KENOBI rises, in more ways than one.]

JINN:

What's the matter with you?

KENOBI [peevish]:

What right do you have to take me for granted?

JINN:

What right? Do you want me to tell you?

KENOBI:

Has it ever occurred that I may have a life of my own? That there may be some girl I'm crazy about?

JINN [incredulous]:

A girl? You MUST be joking. Everyone in this picture is gay.

KENOBI [conceding]:

All right, some GUY then.

JINN:

I still don't believe it.

KENOBI:

Why not? What I'm trying to say is that I'm all wrong for you. You want a Dooku -- somebody with polo eopies -- a big shot, either in the Jedi or the Senate --

JINN [getting up slowly]:

What you're trying to say is that you don't want me to love you. Is that it?

[Wisely, KENOBI doesn't answer. JINN slaps his face and rushes from the room and upstairs, causing FANGIRLS to shriek and fall over laughing. KENOBI stands paralyzed, the slap burning his cheek, his dick standing at attention -- he's obviously into humiliation. CAMERA follows JINN up the stairs into his bedroom as he slams the door behind him -- it moves toward the hollowed-out lock hole and gets stuck. The four-piece cantina band continues playing without missing a beat (turning their eyes away from KENOBI a bit to ostentatiously for his own comfort), by this time up to Return of the Jedi. WINDU is subtler than the musicians, which is no surprise since they're merely extras and he's SAM JACKSON, for fuck's sake. He appears very busy at the buffet, putting empty bottles and used glasses on a tray. He walks across the room with them, studiously ignoring KENOBI.]

[After a moment of thought (we can see the smoke coming from his ears), KENOBI crosses to the coat closet in the hall. He throws an enigmatic look upstairs, but nobody catches it. Opening the door to the closet, he pulls the tauntaun cloak from its hook and slips into it as he crosses to the entrance door. He opens the door on the darkness of the courtyard and closes it behind him.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I didn't know where I was going, I only know I had to be with people my own age again. I had to hear someone laugh who wasn't high, had to realize how incredibly pretentious that sounded. I thought about Senator Palpatine; there was bound to be a Boonta Eve shindig going on at his apartment down in the sublevels, starring what I called the hock shop set -- not a credit anywhere but lots of fun at ol' Palpy's expense.

[KENOBI begins to walk away from the mansion. The rain is a balm to the check still stinging from the slap, and my GOD is that not the stupidest line ever? I thought Billy Wilder could WRITE! That SUCKS! Anyway. KENOBI walks with a great sense of relief, though the AUTHOR has no idea how an actor can show THAT. He walks down Jedi Temple Boulevard and drops his trousers until some FANGIRLS offer him a ride.]

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to SENATOR PALPATINE's apartment, where a noisy, crowded, boisterous Boonta Eve party is taking place. The APARTMENT is a modest fifteen-room affair, jam packed with young beings of every species flowing over into the indoor pool or the bowling alley. The only drink being served is punch spiked with some kind of rocket fuel; everybody is having a hell of a time.]

[There is a very large wookkiee sitting at a very small piano warbling a Klingon opera. By the door, a group of beautiful mostly-naked twilek girls respond to the song by singing an off-key accompaniment in the manner of a Bach chorale. SENATOR PALPATINE, a pleasant-looking guy for a Sith, is conducting with the ladle from the punch bowl. When the door is pushed open, KENOBI enters, his hair and face wet, the tauntaun fur cloak dripping from the rain. PALPATINE stops conducting and greets him.]

PALPATINE:

Well, what do you know! Obi-Wan Kenobi!

KENOBI:

Hi, Bob.

PALPATINE [leering]:

Where have you been keeping that gorgeous ass of yours?

KENOBI:

In a deep freeze.

PALPATINE:

What, you've been on Hoth? I almost reported you to the Bureau of Missing Beings.
[To the crowd, which ignores him:]
Fans, you all know Obi-Wan Kenobi, the well-known Jedi knight, spice smuggler and bantha buggerer.

[KENOBI greets some of the beings by name as he and PALPATINE push their way into the room.]

PALPATINE:

Give me your cloak.

KENOBI:

Let it ride for a while.

PALPATINE:

You're going to stay, aren't you?

KENOBI:

That was the general idea.

PALPATINE:

Come on.

[PALPATINE starts peeling the cloak off KENOBI, in the process copping a feel. Its texture takes his breath away (the CLOAK not KENOBI's butt, you pervs!).]

PALPATINE:

What is this - ewok?

[PALPATINE looks at KENOBI standing there in a very well-made tux with tails and THAT takes his breath away, not that he had a lot of breath left, if you get my meaning.]

PALPATINE:

Yoda on a pogo stick, who did you borrow that from? Ulic Qel-Droma?

KENOBI:

Close, but no cigar.

[KENOBI stands embarrassed while PALPATINE rolls up the cloak and tucks it above the fake books on a bookshelf.]

PALPATINE:

Say, you're not really smuggling spice these days, are you? 'Cause if you are, I've got...

KENOBI:

Where's the bar?

[The two make their way toward the punch bowl. It's a little like running pod race for KENOBI. There are whistles and stares of astonishment at how well his tux shows off his bod. When they reach the punch bowl, PALPATINE picks up a half-filled glass and fills it.]

KENOBI:

Good party.

PALPATINE [preens]:

The greatest. Just call me Dartha Stewart.
[To some guests who are dipping their empty cups into the punch bowl]
Hey, easy on the punch. I've only got five more kegs of rocket fuel.

KENOBI:

Listen, Bob, can I stick around here for a while?

PALPATINE:

Sure, this'll go on all night.

KENOBI:

No, I mean, could you put me up for a couple of weeks?

PALPATINE:

Like I said... but still. It just so happens we have a couch vacancy in the east wing.

KENOBI:

I'll take it.

PALPATINE:

I'll have the bell-hop take care of your luggage.

[PALPATINE runs his finger down the seam of KENOBI's pants.]

PALPATINE:

Just register here.

[A young man bumps into them. He is, to the vast UN-surprise of anyone reading, ANAKIN SKYWALKER.]

SKYWALKER:

Hello, Knight Kenobi.

PALPATINE:

You know each other?

[KENOBI looks at SKYWALKER, a little puzzled.]

SKYWALKER:

Let me help you. Anakin Skywalker, Valorum's office.

KENOBI:

Oh yeah. The budget analyst.

PALPATINE:

Wait a minute. This is my young ward whom I'm routinely fucking and intending on turning to the Dark Side. What's going on?

KENOBI:

Don't worry. He's just a fan for my literary output.

SKYWALKER:

Hurt feelings department.

KENOBI:

Abruptly changing the subject because I can... about my luggage and that bell-hop. Can I use your teleunit or whatever other clever, science-fictional term you use for the phone?

PALPATINE:

Sure. Over by the Rainbow Room. Annie can show you.

SKYWALKER:

Quit calling me Annie.

[KENOBI squeezes his way through groups of people to the teleunit or whatever it is, which is next to an open door leading to the Rainbow Room, a huge, null-g bocci-ball court. The whatever-it-is is busy. A girl is listening to it, giggling wildly. Another girl beside her is laughing too. They are apparently higher than the moon. They pass the handset back and forth, coating it with cooties. KENOBI watches impatiently, then finally speaks to them.]

KENOBI:

When you're through with that thing, can I have it?

[Despite the fact that KENOBI has just issued the world's worst double entendre, the girl just nods, going on with her chattering. KENOBI stands waiting, and SKYWALKER comes up with his glass to flirt and complicate the PLOT (such as it is) further.]

SKYWALKER:

You forgot this.

KENOBI:

Thanks.

SKYWALKER:

I've been hoping to run into you.

KENOBI:

What for? To recover that knife you stuck in my back?

SKYWALKER:

Well aren't WE Mr. Snarky tonight? I felt a little guilty, so I got out some of your old missions and specs and read up on them.

KENOBI:

Why, you sweet kid.

SKYWALKER:

That is the most condescending thing ever said to me, and I wish I could call you out on it, but unfortunately I'm supposed to be the innocent ingénue. Anyway. You submitted a spec on a mission to some place that started with a G, I think?

KENOBI:

Geonosis. How did you like it?

SKYWALKER:

I didn't.

KENOBI:

Well, gee. Thank you.

SKYWALKER:

Except for the part about the Trade Federation ...

[There is too much racket for SKYWALKER to continue.]

SKYWALKER:

I see by the script there's too much racket here. Is there someplace we can talk?

KENOBI:

How about the bathroom? It's a far better place since it also lends itself to bad toilet humor.

[They squeeze their way towards the bathroom, past PALPATINE, who cops a feel out of both of them.]

PALPATINE:

I said you could have my couch. I didn't say you could have my Sith apprentice.

SKYWALKER:

This is shop talk.

PALPATINE:

Yeah, that's what they all say.

[SKYWALKER and KENOBI go through the open door into the bathroom. It's a little less noisy, although there are some gungans and mon calimari there, swimming laps in one of the sunken tubs. SKYWALKER and KENOBI sit down on the edge of the smaller tub.]

KENOBI:

Now if I got you correctly, there was a short stretch of one of my specs you found worthy of notice.

SKYWALKER:

The bit where the Trade Federation is manufacturing battle droids on that planet. Geonosis.

KENOBI:

Why is everyone so taken with the damn Trade Federation? They're harmless goobs.

SKYWALKER:

You're speaking from ignorance, Knight Kenobi. They're far more dangerous than you could ever believe.

KENOBI:

Why? How? And how do you know?

SKYWALKER:

Drop that attitude. You've got something worth while in there.

KENOBI:

Fine. Maybe I should start right now. Where did I leave my lightsaber again?

SKYWALKER:

I'm serious. I've got a few ideas.

KENOBI:

I've got some ideas myself. One of them being this is Boonta Eve. How about you running a pod race?

SKYWALKER:

Grow up.

KENOBI:

What, you don't like pod racing?

SKYWALKER:

Do I *look* suicidal? We could make some paper boats and have a regatta. Or maybe we could just turn on the shower? For you, anyway, not for me. I hate water.

KENOBI:

You do? Well, then, how about capturing the kitchen and barricading the door?

SKYWALKER:

Are you hungry?

KENOBI:

Hungry? After twelve years in the Yavin jungle, I am starving, Lady Agatha -- starving for a white shoulder --

SKYWALKER:

Phillip, you're mad!

[One of the girls who was on the phone (I refuse to call it anything else, it's a goddamned phone!) comes to the door.]

CAPT. OBVIOUS:

You can have the phone now.

KENOBI [paying no attention to anyone but SKYWALKER]:

Yes! I am thirsting for the coolness of your lips -

SKYWALKER:

No, Phillip, no. We must be strong. You're still wearing the uniform of the Storm-troopers! Furthermore, you can have the phone now.

KENOBI:

Okay.
[KENOBI gets up, starts to leave the bathroom, but pauses and turns]
I find I'm terribly afraid of losing you.

SKYWALKER:

You won't.
[SKYWALKER takes the glass out of KENOBI's hand]
I'll get us a refill of this awful stuff.

KENOBI:

You'll be waiting for me?

SKYWALKER:

With a wildly beating heart.

KENOBI:

Good God! Who writes this awful shit?

[KENOBI leaves the bathroom as the AUTHOR runs screaming into the night.]

[KENOBI squeezes himself through some GUESTS (all of whom pass out in delight) to the phone. He has to stand in a cramped position in order to protect his backside from more pinching, holding the instrument close to him as he dials a number.]

KENOBI:

Mace? This is Knight Kenobi. I want you to do me a favor.

[Meanwhile, back at the JINN mansion:]

WINDU:

I am sorry, Knight Kenobi. I cannot talk now.

[KENOBI is on the phone with WINDU.]

KENOBI:

Yes you can. I want you to get my old suitcase and I want you to throw in my old clothes -- the ones I came with, I know you still have them and I know you've been masturbating to them but that's not important now -- and my dataset. I'll have somebody pick them up.

[WINDU is on the phone with KENOBI.]

WINDU:

I have no time to talk. The doctor is here.

[KENOBI is on the phone with WINDU. DUH.]

KENOBI:

What doctor? What's going on?

[WINDU is on the FUCKING PHONE with KENOBI and the AUTHOR is looking for SHARP IMPLEMENTS.]

WINDU:

Master got the razor from your room. He cut his wrists.

[WINDU hangs up the phone (thank you GOD!) and moves toward the staircase. Meanwhile, KENOBI apparently didn't get the memo and is still on the phone with WINDU.]

KENOBI:

Mace! Mace!

[As the AUTHOR struggles to avoid the obvious pun in that exclamation, KENOBI hangs up the dead receiver (dead but not yet decaying) and stands numb with shock or something like that. SKYWALKER elbows his way up to him, carrying the two punch glasses filled again.]

SKYWALKER:

I just got the recipe: take two packages of dried rancor droppings, dissolve in one gallon of lukewarm rocket fuel --

[KENOBI looks up at SKYWALKER (yes, UP. SKYWALKER is taller than KENOBI. Get over it). Without a word he pushes SKYWALKER aside so that he spills the drink, which proceeds to eat a hole in his tasteful leather trousers. KENOBI muscles his way through the FANGIRLS to the fake bookcase, pulls his tauntaun cloak from its hiding place and rushes towards the door and out. SKYWALKER stands looking after him, completely bewildered, but this is nothing new because HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN can't act his way out of a paper bag. Sorry, HAYDEN FANGIRLS, sad but true.]

[CAMERA DISSOLVE to EXT. JINN MANSION. The doctor's speeder is parked in the driveway. An airtaxi pulls up. KENOBI, in his stupid tauntaun cloak, jumps out, throws a couple of dollars to the driver (which not incidentally triggers the CONTINUITY POLICE) and runs toward the house. As he reaches the door, it opens to show the DOCTOR, who is a total putz so we'll ignore him, leaving.]

KENOBI:

How is he?

WINDU:

He is upstairs.

KENOBI:

I didn't ask you WHERE he was, I asked you HOW he was! Get with the program, baldy!

[KENOBI starts to push past WINDU. WINDU grabs KENOBI's arm.]

WINDU:

Be careful. Do not race up the stairs. The musicians must not know what has happened.

KENOBI:

Oh bite me! They're just cheesy extras working for union scale!

[KENOBI walks into the house and up the stairs; the camera lovingly follows his ass as he sashays up. When he gets to JINN's bedroom, he pushes open the door. Only one alabaster lamp lights the big, cold room. On the bed lies JINN in his evening dress. He is white as a sheet. His wrists are bandaged. His eyes are wide open, staring at the ceiling. One of his shoes has half slipped off his foot, the other is on. KENOBI opens the door and stands there for a moment before slowly moving to the foot of the bed. He takes the shoes from JINN's feet and puts them on the floor.]

JINN [petulant]:

Go away.

KENOBI:

What kind of a silly thing was that to do?

JINN:

To fall in love with you - that was the idiotic thing.

KENOBI:

It sure would have made attractive headlines - GREAT JEDI KILLS HIMSELF FOR UNKNOWN KNIGHT; USES BAD GRAMMAR TO BOOT.

JINN:

Grammar is for wusses. And great Jedi have great pride.

KENOBI:

No they don't. We're not supposed to have pride, remember? A Jedi craves not these things.

JINN:

Well, this Jedi craves some great sex. Are we allowed to have sex?

KENOBI:

As far as I know.

JINN:

Well then. Get in here.

KENOBI:

I thought you just tried to kill yourself!

JINN [scornful]:

Oh, please. If I had wanted to kill myself, I would have just used the Force and would be talking to you through a blue haze. But I was hardly likely to kill myself over such a petty thing as a good piece of ass, even yours.

KENOBI:

Then... why...?

JINN:

Because it's in the script, you idiot! Now get over here. Oh, wait, go down to the living room and get your present first.

KENOBI:

Do I get to use them on you?

JINN:

I'll flip you for it.

[To the FANGIRL's vast displeasure, the CAMERA slowly fades to black as KENOBI and JINN are just about to get it on. Before the screen goes dark, however, we can hear a few WOOOHOOS! from KENOBI.]

[END ACT II]
[FANGIRLS (those still reading) REJOICE.]

INTERMISSION!!!
[Why, you may ask, is there an intermission in such a ridiculous piece of tripe? Well, I'll tell you. It's because the AUTHOR is kicking herself over getting such a useless thing stuck in her brain and needs the time off. Plus, KENOBI said he had a migraine. Anyone who believes THAT is likely to buy swamp land on Dagobah.]

[BEGIN ACT III. Legions of FANGIRLS are thrilled there's only about twenty pages left.]

[CAMERA FADE IN: INT. DAY; the JINN mansion. A telephone is ringing in the hall; WINDU appears in the shot, headed for the phone.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

A few months later some incidents happened which I should tell you about, even though they're boring as hell and don't add that much to the story.

WINDU [picks up phone]:

Hello?

SKYWALKER [filtered through the phone]:

Is this 867-5309? ... I'm sorry to bother you again, but I've confirmed the number. I must speak to Knight Kenobi. Or even Jenny.

[WINDU is on the phone with SKYWALKER and the AUTHOR has a HEADACHE.]

WINDU:

He is not here. Jenny isn't here either. And don't you think we've beaten that joke into the ground?

SKYWALKER [still on the phone, duh]:

I don't care, it's a good joke. Where can I reach Knight Kenobi? It's really, really, really, really important that I talk to him. Perhaps there's someone more sane in the household I could speak with?

WINDU:

Nobody here can give you any information. You will not call again.

SKYWALKER:

Mind whammies won't work on me, jerkface! I've got a higher midi-chlorian count than you've ever heard of!

[WINDU ends the call. We hear JINN's voice from off-camera.]

JINN [out of shot]:

Who was it, Mace?

[CAMERA follows WINDU. EXT. Day. It is a sunny day. The garden is in somewhat better shape. The old house looks less unkempt. The pool is filled. JINN sits on a wicker chaise lounge. He is wearing leopard-print, old-fashioned bathing costume. His face is shielded by an enormous straw hat, his ubiquitous dark glasses are over his eyes. KENOBI, in leopard-print bathing trunks, is on a rubber mattress in the pool. WINDU comes to the entrance door.]

WINDU:

Nothing, Master. Somebody Inquiring about a stray dog. We must have a number very similar to the pound.

KENOBI:

Oh, low blow there, sunshine.

WINDU:

I calls 'em as I sees 'em, buster.

[WINDU starts to turn back, into the house.]

JINN:

Wait a minute. I want you to get out the car. You're going to take the script over to the Temple and deliver it to Master Yoda in person.

WINDU:

Yassuh, massuh.

[WINDU goes into the house as KENOBI climbs out of the water. He is sopping wet and his leopard-print speedos cling like there's no tomorrow. Legions of FANGIRLS drop dead from the SQUEE.]

KENOBI:

You're really going to send it to Yoda?

JINN:

This is the right day. The Force is strong today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Jupiter is aligned with Mars and my astrologer read both mine and Yoda's horoscopes.

KENOBI:

But did he read the spec?

JINN:

Oh, ye of little faith. Come here, let me dry you and incidentally show how much I've got you whipped.

[JINN wraps a towel around KENOBI's neck as he dries him.]

KENOBI:

I hope you realize, Qui-Gon, that specs don't sell on astrologers' charts.

JINN:

I'm not just selling the script. I'm selling me. Yoda always said I was his greatest student, the best of the Jedi.

KENOBI:

When did he say it, Qui-Gon?

JINN:

So he said it quite a few years ago. So what? I've never been in better form in my life. You know why? Because I've never been as happy in my life. Which, when you think about it, is rather sad, so we'll not think about it.

[JINN kisses KENOBI who kisses him back with some enthusiasm. To the disappointment of the FANGIRLS, the camera fades to black AGAIN. The AUTHOR gives some thought to having the CAMERAMAN lynched.]

[CAMERA fade in: INT. JINN's car. It is early evening.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

So, Qui-Gon liked to drive around the Temple District with me, showing off his car and his boy-toy. He'd taught me some of the finer things in life and how to appreciate them, like tango steps, what wine to drink with what fish, and how to give really, really good blowjobs. Life was pretty damn good, even if I wasn't going out on missions. Then one evening Qui-Gon had a hankering for some of Dex's greasy-plate specials. I told Mace to pull over and said I'd run in and pick up the order.

[EXT. DEX'S DINER. JINN's fancy speeder-limo pulls up and KENOBI exits, stepping inside. The CAMERA follows him to the INT. diner. The place is busy with beings of all species crowding the joint and the WAITBOT is running her servos off. KENOBI steps up to the 'carry-out' counter.]

PALPATINE [off-camera]:

Stick-em-up, Kenobi! I gotta blaster here and I ain't afraid to use it, you Jedi scum!

[PALPATINE and SKYWALKER are sitting in a booth having a sandwich and a milk shake. With his forefinger and a sound effect, PALPATINE riddles KENOBI's body. PALPATINE walks INTO THE SHOT.]

KENOBI:

Hello, Bob. Good evening, Mr. Skywalker.

SKYWALKER [excited]:

You don't know how glad I am to see you!

PALPATINE:

Walking out on us, even before the orgy! What's the big idea?

KENOBI:

I'm sorry about New Year's. Would you believe me if I said I had to be with a sick friend?

PALPATINE:

No. Don Adams you ain't.

SKYWALKER:

Stop it, Bob, will you? That last joke went over the heads of just about everyone.
[to KENOBI]
Where have you been keeping yourself? I've got the most wonderful news for you.

KENOBI:

I haven't been keeping myself at all. Not lately. Feels pretty good, actually.

SKYWALKER:

I called the union. I called the Temple. Finally your old apartment gave me some number, said to ask for Jenny. There was always somebody with an accent growling at me, no matter who I asked for. You were not there. You were not to be spoken to. They never heard of you.

KENOBI:

Is that so? What's the wonderful news?

SKYWALKER:

Valorum likes that angle about the battle droids.

KENOBI:

What battle droids?

SKYWALKER:

The ones the Trade Federation are building on Geonosis. I got him all hopped up about it.

KENOBI:

You did?

SKYWALKER:

He thinks it could be trouble. He thinks it's a job for a Jedi.

KENOBI:

For a Jedi, not for the Lone Ranger?

SKYWALKER:

YES for the Jedi! What's with all the non-sequiturs? I'm telling you, they're getting mighty thin.

PALPATINE:

Speaking of non-sequiturs...

SKYWALKER:

This is on the level. Valorum really went for it. It's a mission!

KENOBI:

That so? Where's the cash, then?

SKYWALKER:

Where's the rest of the spec? I bluffed it out with a few notions of my own. It's really just a springboard. It needs work.

KENOBI:

I was afraid of that.

SKYWALKER:

I've got twenty pages of notes. I've got a pretty good outline for the mission, but need more specifics.

PALPATINE:

Could you maybe add a spot for a Sith and his tattooed apprentice?

SKYWALKER:

Shut up, Bob.
[to KENOBI]
Now if we could sit down for two weeks and get the spec completed...

KENOBI:

Sorry, Mr. Skywalker, but I've given up writing specs. For Lent.

SKYWALKER:

I tell you this is half sold.

KENOBI:

As a matter of fact. I've given up missions altogether.

[WINDU has appeared in the door. Just appeared. No smoke, nothing. Just BAM. He's there.]

WINDU:

Knight Kenobi, if you please.

KENOBI:

Right with you.

[WINDU leaves, a bit pissed-off that he had no further lines in the shot.]

PALPATINE:

The accent! I've got it: this guy is in the pay of a rogue planet. Get those studs. Get those cuff-links.

KENOBI:

I've got to run along. Thanks anyway for your interest in my career.

SKYWALKER:

It's not your career -- it's mine. I kind of hoped to get in on this deal. I don't want to be a budget analyst all my life, I want to be a padawan!

KENOBI:

Sorry if I crossed you up.

SKYWALKER:

You sure have. What's the use of all these damn midi-chlorians if I can't get to be a Jedi padawan?

KENOBI:

Life's a bitch, you know? One moment you're a Jedi Knight on the verge of bankruptcy, the next you're a kept man and living in the lap of luxury. May the Force be with you, dudes.

[Whistling, KENOBI leaves the diner.]

PALPATINE [patting SKYWALKER's hand]:

Babe, it's like that idiot Lucas says: In life, you've got to take the bitter with the sour.

SKYWALKER:

Touch me again like that and I will go Dark-side on your ass, jerk.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. JINN's bedroom. Both JINN and KENOBI are on the weird bed. They are nude and have obviously just finished fucking like bunnies. JINN is mostly asleep (and is snoring to prove it) but KENOBI is awake and staring at the mirror embedded in the top of the swan-shaped, ugly-as-sin bed. He is still wearing one of the leather cuffs.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Whenever Qui-Gon suspected I was getting bored or antsy for a mission, he'd take me to bed and fuck my brains out -- or let me fuck his out. I learned pretty fast to look convincingly bored.

[There is the sound of a phone ringing in the house, muted.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

I kept thinking about that noob, Skywalker. He was so like all us high Force-sensitives when we first hit Coruscant; itching with ambition, panting to get chosen as a padawan, not realizing all the hard work that goes into being a padawan. It isn't all foot-rubs and exotic drinks with little paper umbrellas in them! Oh, no, there were other duties as required, as it were.

[WINDU taps on the door, opening it a crack.]

WINDU:

Master is wanted on the phone or teleunit or ansible, take your pick; we have been informed that there are not enough science-fictiony terms in this script so we must bump them up.

JINN [rousing]:

You know better than to interrupt me when I'm recovering from an orgasm.

WINDU:

It's the Temple calling.

JINN [to KENOBI]:

Now do you believe me? I told you the Temple would want to give me this mission.
[to WINDU]
Is it Yoda?

WINDU:

No, it's some other Council member. It would have been me except the damn author made me into a servant. They say it's very important.

JINN:

Of course it's important. But it's so important that I won't talk to anyone but Yoda. How rude, getting a flunky to call me. Say that I'm busy and hang up.

WINDU [as he withdraws]:

Very good, Master. I was a little surprised myself at Yoda's manners. But then again, he's always been a little troll.

JINN:

How do you like that? We've gone on dozens of missions together. The little toad was my master, even.

KENOBI:

Maybe Yoda is away on a mission.

JINN:

I know that trick! He wants to belittle me. He's trying to get my price down. I've waited twenty years for this call. Now Yoda can wait till I'm good and ready.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. JINN's limo-speeder-thing. It is day and JINN is checking out his face in a built-in vanity while KENOBI looks on and the AUTHOR tries to believe in a world where a limo would have a built-in vanity.]

KENOBI:

Incredible as it might seem, there were more calls from the Temple, but none of them were from Yoda. Qui-Gon finally decided -- about three days after the first call -- that he was good and ready. He slathered on about a ton of anti-age cream, used Grecian Formula 44 on his hair and set out for the Temple.

[The vehicle thing drives down Temple Boulevard and stops smack in front of the iron gate surrounding the Temple. A young knight is talking to a Temple Pleasure Boy; an old, obviously retired master Jedi sits reading a porno magazine. WINDU sounds the horn impatiently.]

YOUNG KNIGHT:

Hold that noise!

WINDU:

To see Master Yoda. Open the gate.

YOUNG KNIGHT:

Master Yoda ain't seeing nobody without an appointment. You got an appointment?

WINDU:

No appointment is necessary. I am bringing Qui-Gon Jinn.

YOUNG KNIGHT:

Qui-Gon who?

[JINN has rolled down the window on his side. He calls to the older, retired master.]

JINN:

Sifo-Dyas! Come here, Si!

OLD MASTER:

Yeah?
[He comes forward slowly, rather pissed at being called OLD MASTER for the extent of his cameo appearance]
Why, if it isn't Master Jinn! How have you been, Master Jinn?

JINN:

Fine, Si. Now open that gate.

OLD MASTER:

Sure, Master Jinn.
[To the YOUNG KNIGHT]
Come on, Quinlan.

YOUNG KNIGHT:

They can't drive on the lot without a pass.

OLD MASTER:

Master Jinn can. Come on.

[They fling open the gate, which is rather difficult to do considering it weighs several tons, but that's the way the script reads, honest.]

OLD MASTER [As the car drives through]:

Salle eighteen, Master Jinn.

JINN:

Thank you, Si. And teach your friend some manners. Tell him without me he wouldn't have any job, because without me there wouldn't be any Temple.
[To WINDU]
Go on.

[They drive through the gates. The old master Jedi goes to wall-ansible beside the gate.]

OLD MASTER [into wall-ansible]:

Master Qui-Gon Jinn coming in to see Master Yoda.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. TEMPLE. MASTER YODA (Cecil B. De Mille) is teaching a class of beginning 'saber to a bunch of eerily cute younglings. They are all human and pale-skinned and move in ways reminiscent of children from Camazotz. Two floating holo-cameras record every move and it is obvious this is being filmed for a promotional ad. CAMERA FOLLOWS some Jedi flunky who is in the process of hanging up the phone.]

FIRST FLUNKY [to SECOND FLUNKY]:

Qui-Gon Jinn is on his way in to see Master Yoda.

SECOND FLUNKY [to THIRD FLUNKY]:

Qui-Gon Jinn is on his way to see Master Yoda.

THIRD FLUNKY [to YODA]:

Some guy named Qui-Gon Jinn is on his way to see you, sir.

YODA:

Qui-Gon Jinn? It must be about that awful spec of his. What can I tell him, hmm? What can I say?

THIRD FLUNKY:

You sure you're Yoda? You're talking normally.

YODA:

That's because we're not on-camera.

THIRD FLUNKY:

Yes we are.

YODA [recovering quickly]:

Qui-Gon Jinn it is? About his awful spec, it must be. Tell him what, can I? Hmm.

THIRD FLUNKY:

That's more like it. I could tell him you're all tied up in your bedroom. I can give him the brush.

YODA:

Given him the brush thousands of Jedi have. Enough, isn't that?

THIRD FLUNKY [flustered]:

I'm sorry, I can barely understand you...

YODA:

Understand me not, you say? Of course not. Did not see you Qui-Gon Jinn as lovely young padawan of seventeen, yes. More courage and wit and heart he had than ever came together in one youngster. Good in bed he was, too.

THIRD FLUNKY:

I don't even want to contemplate that. I understand he was a terror to work with.

YODA:

Get accomplished things he did, things no other could do, yes. Only a stupid green puppet I may be, but know I do when greatness lives. Or something to that effect.

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to EXT. TEMPLE. DAY. The limo-speeder pulls into a parking space (reserved for handicapped) and WINDU gets out, opening the door for JINN.]

JINN:

Come with me, dearest.

KENOBI:

Not on your life. You're on your own with this one, toots.

JINN:

See who gets to be on the bottom next, beeyitch.

[With WINDU in attendance, JINN enters the Temple and moves to salle 18. The THIRD FLUNKY stands at the door, holding it open. CAMERA PANS down to see YODA, leaning on that stupid stick of his, also in the doorway.]

YODA:

Padawan.

JINN:

My master. It is good to see you.

YODA:

Long it has been.

JINN:

Last time I saw you was someplace very gay. I remember waving to you. I was dancing on a table.

YODA:

Gay, this whole rotten picture is. In, come you.

[YODA and JINN walk and talk together as they enter the salle. Yes, I know it's weird because YODA only comes up to JINN's shins, but indulge me. This is hard enough to write as it is!]

YODA:

Apologize, I do, for not calling you.

JINN:

You'd better. I'm very angry.

YODA:

Anger a path is to dark side. Too old to put over my knee you are not.

JINN:

Whatever. You read the spec, didn't you?

YODA:

Did, yes.

JINN:

Then you could have used the teleunit yourself instead of leaving it to one of your flunkies.

YODA:

A flunky? Talk about, what are you?

JINN:

Don't play innocent. I've had ten calls from the Council trying to reach me.

YODA:

Ten calls?

JINN:

You betcha, shorty. Now, let's talk turkey.

YODA:

Ten calls... In the middle of a promo bit, I am.
[Indicates his own chair]
Comfortable, make yourself. Check this out, I will.

[YODA trips the THIRD FLUNKY and grabs his hair as he falls. He whispers in his ear:]

YODA:

Council, you will get me, on phone thing. Answers I want.

[CAMERA follows YODA and the FLUNKY as JINN takes a seat next to the salle to watch the baby initiates. I'm sorry, but I refuse to keep calling them 'younglings' as that's just too stupid for words.]

YODA [on phone with Council person]:

Calling Qui-Gon Jinn you have been. Why is this?

A RANDOM COUNCIL MEMBER [filtered through the phone]:

He's past due on his Temple Spa Membership Dues, and we wanted to interview him for our 'Where Are They Now?' column in the Temple newsletter, seeings how he's old and stuff, and retired. Why?

YODA:

Oh. Never mind.

[YODA walks back to the salle to find JINN sitting on his chair, holding court. Several older EXTRAS, all dressed like Jedi-wannabe-fanboys and girls are standing around him, being utter brown-nosing idiots, which does nothing for JINN's sense of reality (or lack thereof). As YODA returns, they disperse, talking softly enough that they don't need to be paid beyond union scale as non-speaking extras. JINN looks radiant from the attention and the 700-watt spotlight focused on him.]

JINN [to YODA]:

Did you see them? Did you see how they came?

YODA:

In this business, happen crazy things, Qui-Gon. Your sense of humor I hope you have not lost.
[Qui-Gon chokes back a sob]
To the Dark Side crying leads. Wrong what is?

JINN:

Nothing. I just didn't realize what it would be like to come back to the Temple. I had no idea how much I'd missed it.

YODA:

Missed you we did too.

JINN:

We'll be working again, won't we, Master? It'll be our greatest adventure.

YODA:

To talk to you about that's what I want.

JINN:

It's a good spec, isn't it? There's real danger in it!

YODA:

Good things it has many of. Expensive, it would be, of course...

JINN:

I don't care about the money. I just want to work again. You don't know what it means to know that you want me.

YODA:

Thrill me more nothing would -- if possible it were.

JINN:

But remember, darling -- I don't work before ten in the morning, and never after 4:30 in the afternoon.

[The SECOND FLUNKY approaches.]

SECOND FLUNKY:

The holocameras are waiting, Master Yoda. We're ready to film.

YODA [to JINN]:

Welcome you are, to stay. Watch. Talking to you I will be later, though not if the Author has anything to do about it.

[CAMERA QUICK DISSOLVE to EXT. Temple parking lot. WINDU stands talking with KENOBI who is still in the limospeederthing.]

WINDU:

...And Master Jinn's quarters took up the entire west side of the three-hundredth-thirty-first floor. You can see them from here. From there, he could see the riff-raff trying to get into the Temple and chosen as padawans.

KENOBI:

I wish I'd had rooms in the Temple... Wait a min.

[Standing on the other side of the huge fence which keeps the non-Jedi out of the Temple grounds is a group of people waiting patiently to come inside the Temple. Many of them have proposed mission specs or autograph books with them. In the group of people stands ANAKIN SKYWALKER, looking completely pathetic. KENOBI spots him and walks over; the CAMERA follows him. SKYWALKER doesn't notice KENOBI until KENOBI speaks to him.]

KENOBI:

Just so you don't think I'm a complete waste of air, you can have that spec. It's all yours. It's no good to me anyway. Help yourself...If you get a hundred thousand for it, you buy me a box of chocolate cherry creams.

SKYWALKER [surprised]:

Why should you do that?

KENOBI:

Why shouldn't I? I'm not going to follow through with it.

SKYWALKER:

You know, I'd take you up on that in a minute. I'm just not good enough to do it all by myself.

KENOBI:

What about all those ideas you had?

SKYWALKER:

I don't know if they make sense. To begin with, I think you should throw out all that long, boring pod race stuff.

KENOBI:

Pod races are exciting. That's what the people want, excitement.

SKYWALKER:

But it has nothing to add to the mission! This mission is about taxation and trade tariffs on the Outer Rim -- how much such a small thing affects the lives of the people who live there. They're important too, even if they're slaves, even if they're not important to anyone else but themselves. To me it can be as exciting as any chase, any 'saber-play. The *people* angle.

KENOBI:

Check.

SKYWALKER:

Now I see the whole thing happening on some backwater planet, like Tattooine, maybe...

[From behind KENOBI, WINDU honks the horn on the limospeeder.]

KENOBI:

Look, if you don't mind, I haven't got time to listen to the whole thing...

SKYWALKER:

I'll make it short.

KENOBI:

Sorry. It's your baby now.

SKYWALKER [whinging]:

I'm not good enough to write it alone. We'll have to do it together.

KENOBI:

I'm all tied up. Literally. I can't.

SKYWALKER [desperate]:

Couldn't we work in the evenings? Six o'clock in the morning? This next month I'm *completely* at your disposal. Bob's out of town... I'm free every evening and every weekend.

KENOBI:

Well, aren't we the little slut. What has Bob to do with this spec?

SKYWALKER:

He's made me his apprentice.

KENOBI:

Make that a double slut. Good for you. You've got yourself the best gravy train in town.

SKYWALKER:

I think so. They're on location in Naboo, killing Gungans. I'm free every evening, every weekend. If you want, we could work at your place.

KENOBI:

It's just impossible.

SKYWALKER:

Nobody can be that busy.

[from behind KENOBI, WINDU beeps the horn again, obviously an OCD person.]

KENOBI:

Look, Annie, It can't be done. It's out.

SKYWALKER:

God! Don't call me Annie, you jerk! Why won't you help me?

KENOBI:

You're on your own. Stop being chicken-hearted and write that story.

SKYWALKER:

Honest to goodness, I hate you.

KENOBI [turning to leave]:

Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. You wanna be a padawan, you've gotta swim with the sharks, baby. Listen: don't make it too boring with the trade tariffs and stuff. How about this for a situation? Find out who's been funding the battle droids on Geonosis, see if there's any way to trace that back to those goobs in the Trade Federation -- check the banking clan, they might tell you, for a fee. Then see if there's any other cash going anywhere else from the same funding source.

SKYWALKER [pleading]:

There! You see? That's where you could help me! That's good, that's outstanding, it's something I never would have thought of! C'mere, let me show you where that fits in...

KENOBI:

So long, kid. Good luck.

[WINDU is rushing towards the returning KENOBI.]

KENOBI:

What's the matter, Mace?

WINDU:

I just found out why all those telephone calls. It is not Master Jinn they want. It's his dues and an article they want to write about 'retired' Jedi.

KENOBI:

Say what?

WINDU [eyes on something off-camera]:

Ssh...

[WINDU and KENOBI move back to the limospeederthingy as JINN is saying goodbye to YODA at the Temple door. They are speaking but the AUTHOR is sick of writing YODA-speak in script format so she's going to blow the scene out. It was BORING, anyway. They get in the car and begin to drive off.]

KENOBI:

So, how'd it go?

JINN [obviously living in dreamland]:

It couldn't have gone better. He's got to finish up his current mission, of course, but mine will be his next.

[WINDU and KENOBI exchange looks in the rear-view mirror. JINN goes on, paddling his boat up the Nile with aplomb.]

[CAMERA DISSOLVE into a series of montages featuring JINN performing rigorous katas and forms and other Eastern esoteric thingys; he looks divine and the older FANGIRLS sigh happily while the younger FANGIRLS shake their heads and roll their eyes.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

After that, you couldn't move in the mansion for all the gymnastic gear around. He went through a merciless series of treatments, like an athlete training for the Olympic games, whatever those are. He was absolutely determined to be ready, ready for the mission that would never happen. I figured, oh well. At least I got the benefit of working on the equipment myself. Then, Qui-Gon found out I was sneaking out of the mansion at night, while he was getting his beauty sleep.

[CAMERA DISSOLVE to INT. NIGHT. KENOBI's bedroom. He is sitting up, reading. There is a tap on the door between his room and JINN's.]

JINN:

Are you still awake? I just came to say good night.

KENOBI:

Good night.

JINN:

I finished my routine for the evening and am expecting a new trainer in the morning. You'd better get to bed yourself.

KENOBI:

Soon. Good night.

JINN:

Are you going out again tonight?

KENOBI:

Huh?

JINN:

I know you've been taking the limospeeder out at night. I've checked the mileage.

KENOBI:

Oh. Sorry.

JINN:

Where have you been going?

KENOBI:

Around. I just needed to get out every now and then. Is that a problem?

JINN [blinks in thought]:

No, I guess not. Good night.

KENOBI:

Good night.

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Yes, I was playing hooky every evening. It made me think of when I was twelve and used to sneak out of the Temple to go slumming. This time, it wasn't to see a pro, it was to try and write one. That mission spec of mine Anakin Skywalker had dug up kept going through my head like a dozen freighters, so we started working on it, the two of us, nights, when the Senate building was deserted, up in his little cubby-hole of an office. He was a good kid, if a little naive at times, but he really didn't seem to understand the word 'no.' So why did I help him? I dunno. It wasn't like it was a mission I was going to go on any time soon. I guess I just felt sorry for the poor schmoe. That wasn't how the original script was written, but what the hell -- we're headed for a different ending anyway.

[CAMERA DISSOLVE to INT. NIGHT. KENOBI is returning to the JINN mansion very late; he has the rough draft of the mission spec rolled up in his hand. He is met at the door by WINDU.]

KENOBI:

What is it, Mace? Want to wash the car, or are you doing a little spying in your off hours?

WINDU:

You must be very careful as you cross the patio. Master may be watching.

KENOBI:

How about my going up the kitchen stairs and undressing in the dark. Will that do it?

WINDU:

I'm not inquiring where Knight Kenobi goes every night...

KENOBI:

Why don't you? I'm writing a mission spec and I'm going to finish it, no matter what.

WINDU:

It's just that I'm very worried about Master.

KENOBI:

Sure you are. And we're not helping him any, feeding him lies and more lies. Getting himself ready for a mission. What happens when he finds out?

WINDU:

He never will. That is my job and it has been for a long time. You must understand, I discovered him when he was sixteen. It was I who chose him to be the padawan of Master Yoda. I made him and I cannot let him be destroyed.

KENOBI:

You discovered him?

WINDU:

Yes. I was on the Council then. I was his Council liaison for most of his missions. I helped him write his mission specs, I did his research, I did his debriefing. Until the day he was injured on Hoth and put into semi-retirement, I was his everything.

KENOBI [cynically]:

And he's turned you into a servant.

WINDU:

It was I who asked to come back, humiliating as it may seem. I could have continued my career, only I found everything unendurable after he had left me. You see, I was his first lover.

KENOBI:

You do realize that's the most ridiculous of plot contrivances ever, right?

WINDU:

Hey, I'm not the author here.

[CAMERA DISSOLVE to INT. KENOBI's room, NIGHT. JINN sneaks into the room and steals the rolled up mission spec that KENOBI has just left lying around. QUICK CUT to INT. SKYWALKER's office, NIGHT. KENOBI and SKYWALKER are finishing up the mission spec.]

KENOBI [staring at SKYWALKER who appears to be dead]:

Hey, what's the matter... Annie, wake up!
[He whistles and catches SKYWALKER's limited attention]
Why are you staring at me like that?

SKYWALKER:

Was I? I'm sorry.

KENOBI:

What's wrong with you tonight? You've been acting weird the whole evening. We've only got a few more pages to go 'til the end of this dreck, so buck up.

SKYWALKER:

Something came up. I don't want to talk about it.

KENOBI:

Why not?

SKYWALKER:

I just don't.

KENOBI:

What is it you've heard? Come on, let's have it.

[SKYWALKER gets up and moves to the open door, sighing as dramatically as he can, which isn't all that dramatic, if you get my drift.]

SKYWALKER:

It's nothing. I got a long-distance call from Bob. Collect.

KENOBI:

From Bob. What's wrong?

SKYWALKER:

He wants me to come to Naboo. He says it only costs two dollars to get married there. It would kind of save us a honeymoon. He promised he'd let me make my own lightsaber, too; he'll make me a Sith, since it's obvious the Jedi don't want me.

KENOBI:

Why don't you? We can finish the spec by Thursday.
[SKYWALKER starts to sniffle and his face gets all red and stuff.]
What's wrong with you?? You're getting married. That's what you wanted.

SKYWALKER [petulant]:

I don't want it now.

KENOBI:

Why not? Don't you love Bob? He's rich, you know.

SKYWALKER:

Of course I know that. I always will. I'm not in love with him any more, that's all.

KENOBI:

What happened?

SKYWALKER:

You did.

[SKYWALKER grabs KENOBI in his arms and kisses him, quite clumsily. KENOBI obviously does not have a good time with it.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

There it was - Anakin Skywalker's future right in the palm of my hand. Anakin Skywalker, engaged to Bob Palpatine -- as nice a guy as ever lived, for a Sith. And Anakin was in love with me. Me! What a piece of work. What I wanted to do was wipe the whole nasty mess right out of my life, hopefully before Qui-Gon found out.

[KENOBI breaks the kiss off before it gets any worse.]

KENOBI:

Look, kid, I am *not*...

SKYWALKER:

I know what you're going to say, I'm too young, you're too old, you're a famous Jedi while I'm only an apprentice Sith. But we can make it work, I know we can! Love is the most important thing in the universe...

KENOBI:

I'm only gonna say this once, kid... I'm already involved with someone. And I am so not too old for you.

SKYWALKER:

But... but... I'm so much cuter than Qui-Gon Jinn is!

KENOBI:

Oh please. He's at least a ten, you're at best an eight. Look, Annie, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.

SKYWALKER:

DON'T FUCKING CALL ME ANNIE!

[SKYWALKER storms out of the office. With a put-upon sigh, KENOBI follows.]

[CAMERA DISSOLVES to INT. JINN mansion, it is still night but going on dawn. KENOBI returns to the mansion, puts away the limospeederthing and goes into the house. CAMERA follows him as he walks through the dark house, up the stairs to his bedroom. From the gouged-out keyhole in the door that leads to JINN's bedroom, he sees a light and goes to look. JINN is awake and on the phone. He has cucumber slices duct-taped to his eyebrows.]

JINN [on the whateveritis]:

Look, honey, you haven't got a hope in hell so just get used to it. He's mine.

KENOBI [incredulous]:

Qui-Gon??

JINN [to KENOBI]:

Man, have you got bad taste in boytoys.

KENOBI:

Is that the Skywanker jerk? I gave him the brush-off!

JINN:

He seems to be on the thick end.

[KENOBI goes into JINN's bedroom and grabs the phone.

KENOBI [on the whatchamajigger]:

Look sweetie, be practical. I've got a good deal here. A long-term contract with no options. I like it that way. You need to butt out of my life! Go marry Bob, become a Sith and maybe some day I'll end up fighting you to the death. Okay?

SKYWALKER [voice through the phone]:

I'll never let you go!

[SKYWALKER bangs the phone down. KENOBI rolls his eyes and places the phonethingy on its cradlethingy.]

JINN:

What the fuck was all that about?

KENOBI:

That little idiot. He got me interested in one of my old specs, talked me into helping him rewrite it. Now he thinks he's in love with me. Moron.

JINN:

You mean this one?
[He pulls the spec from under his pillow.]
This is a sweet ride, a good job. I think you and I...

[At the bedroom door, SKYWALKER suddenly appears. We do not understand how this happens but think it must be a Sith thing, like teleporting.]

SKYWALKER [furious]:

That's MY spec! And MY Jedi!

KENOBI [sighing]:

Isn't this where I came in? Look, you can't...

JINN:

You are SO wrong there, sweet-cheeks! He's mine. And the spec is now mine too. You're out.
[to KENOBI:]
I put fresh crystal in my 'saber, you know. I can't face life without you, and you know I'm not afraid to die. Or something like that.

SKYWALKER [scornfully]:

Oh, wake up, Qui-Gon. You'd be killing yourself to an empty house. The audience left twenty years ago. Now face it.

JINN:

Maybe. Maybe not. You do realize that from here on out this is nothing like the original script, right?
[to KENOBI:]
I spoke with Yoda earlier tonight. My spec is too expensive but yours isn't. They want us to leave early tomorrow morning, the mission briefing will be at firstmeal.

KENOBI:

Cool.

SKYWALKER:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

KENOBI:

I think that's my line, Annie.

SKYWALKER [attacking JINN and KENOBI]:

DON'T FUCKING CALL ME ANNIE, YOU ASS-ergggle erk.

[The familiar sounds of a lightsaber -- two of them, actually -- fill the speakers as both JINN and KENOBI defend themselves from the crazed SKYWALKER. That's their story and they're sticking to it. They are not, however, discussing how he came to be killed in JINN's bedroom then later found in the pool. CAMERA DISSOLVES into a puddle of goo as the body of SKYWALKER, floating face-down in the pool, is lovingly examined.]

KENOBI [voiceover]:

Well, this is where you came in. Back at that pool again, the one I always wanted, though I didn't count on it being the watery grave of a Sith apprentice. It's dawn now, and the skycops must have photographed Skywalker a thousand times. Then they got a couple of pruning hooks from the garden and fished him out, ever so gently. Funny how gentle people get with you once you're dead. They beached him like a harpooned baby whale and started to check the damage, just for the record. By the time the sun rose, the whole joint was jumping -- cops, reporters, neighbors, passersby -- as much hoopdedoo as we get in the Temple District when they open a Oral Sex Stand.

[There are skycops questioning both JINN and KENOBI over the death of SKYWALKER, but they are invoking diplomatic immunity, senatorial license and bureau of lightsaber duels exemption. In the middle of the fracas Master Yoda shows up to give them the mission briefing, and in order to facilitate their leaving, JINN stands and calls the attention of everyone.]

JINN:

This can't go on any longer. I'm so happy to be sent on... do you mind, Master Yoda, if I speak about the mission? Thank you. Knight Kenobi and I just want to tell you how happy we are to be back in the saddle again, going out into the galaxy to help people. You don't know how much I've missed all of this. As for the little twink in the pool, well, that's what happens when you think too much of yourself and not enough of others. The Jedi were created to help others, to be the force for good in the galaxy.
[Aside, to KENOBI and YODA:]
Heh, I said 'force', did you hear it?
[Back to the standing skycops and reporters, who are rolling their eyes, along with all the FANGIRLS still reading:]
Always know that, wherever you go, there you are, and the Jedi will be there with you. Thank you, and goodnight.

KENOBI:

That sucked.

JINN:

You're complaining? C'mon, we've still got time for a quickie in the shower before we have to leave.

[JINN grabs KENOBI by the hand and tugs him up the long, black marble stairs as the CAMERA FADES OUT.]

THE END [two of the happiest words in the galaxy!]