Disclaimer: The boys with lightsabers belong to George Lucas.
The boys with tap shoes belong to themselves, and to MGM. I'm
borrowing them because I couldn't resist. Sue me? There's
nothing to gain except my Star Wars stuff and my collection of
musicals.
Archive: MA, StarWarsFic, anyone who emails me can have it
Summary: How they didn't make TPM
Spoilers: If you don't know the ending of Singin' in the Rain
and don't want to, don't read this.
Warning: This might not make much sense if you haven't seen
said aforementioned movie. And if you haven't, then by all
means, rent it tonight.
Feedback: I know this is stupid, but is it funny? Tell me, por
favor, in an email to quiara@dreamscape.com
From the Desk of George Lucas
Re: The Phantom Menace
To: all concerned staff
It has come to my attention that we ought to have some sort of
resemblance between the characters in the original Star Wars
trilogy and those in the new movie. Being the amazingly smart
and innovative guy that I am, it occured to me that we could
easily use the real actors' parents in our film. After all, if
we can put Yoda there without the fist of Oz, we can do this
readily. Having perused movies starring the parents of the
'Skywalkers', I decided that we should simply release a new
edition of Singin' in the Rain.
Casting should be as follows:
Debbie Reynolds: Queen Amidala
Gene Kelly: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Donald O'Connor: Qui-Gon Jinn
Cyd Charisse: Yoda
"Zelda": Mace Windu
"Lena Lamont": Darth Maul
The studio head: Palpatine/Sidious
However, this will present a few problems. I have decided on
the possible solutions:
1) Amidala should not have a relationship with Kenobi.
--> We can easily transfer the 'love' scenes so that the
dialogue and songs refer to Jinn instead of the woman to whom
Kelly is singing. Also, this allows Darth Lena to be attracted
to Kenobi, and then rebuffed.
2) Silent movies do not correspond with the GFFA.
--> "A new technological breakthrough has made it possible
for viewers to watch holos with nude actors at the flip of a
switch." What a tragedy it would be if viewers galaxywide saw
Darth Lena's tattoos onscreen. Instead, the nude body of
Amidala is inserted.
3) The ending is completely different.
--> Darth Lena is fired from the studio, allowing Amidala to
take his/her roles in the films and removing any barrier to
Kenobi and Jinn's relationship.
Other Necessary Changes:
-flashback (Dignity, Always Dignity) should be changed to show
scenes of Jedi training and budding romance between Master and
Padawan
-backup singers/dancers in any of Amidala's songs should be
changed to handmaidens
-backup singers/dancers in Kenobi's songs should be changed to
Jedi (and if I see Luke, you're out on your ear)
-lightsabers should be added in the following scenes and
numbers: Moses Supposes, Make 'Em Laugh, Singin' in the Rain
(replaces umbrella), the early scene where Kenobi is under
attack by fans (who should be battle droids), the scene where
Darth Lena's tattoos are displayed to the public.
-all shots of Kenobi should include his Padawan braid. Please
be certain to keep it on the same side at all times.
It has come to my attention that there is no suitable person to
become Anakin Skywalker. He will digitally inserted as the
geeky version of Kenobi in the beginning and end of "Broadway
Melody", and then wander in and out to wave at the audience
from time to time. The last song between Amidala and Kenobi
should be changed so that Kenobi is approaching her for
Anakin's benefit. However, the final kiss should be between
Kenobi and Jinn.
Also noted is the absence of Jar Jar Binks. To the person who
pointed this out: bollocks. If you want him there, bring your
action figure.
May the Force be with you,
George Lucas, God among men
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