Archive: m-a please, my website
(http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm)
Series: Jedi Counsel (3 parts)
Category: hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Spoilers: contains spoilers for TPM
Summary: Obi-Wan and Yoda in another H/C session...
Disclaimer: All the characters used here belong to George
Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars Universe - the story itself
is copyrighted by me and must not be used anywhere without my
permission.
Author's Note: Tell me what you thought of it ;-D This is kind
of a sequel to "Jedi Counsel", though it is a complete story in
its own right. Thanks a million to RinSong and Kir, your kind
words are responsible for this story ;-) and a huge thanks to
Iroshi Windwalker for the comments on formatting.
The story takes place approximately 5 years after the "Phantom
Menace" and "Jedi Counsel".
Please note: // indicates Yoda's train of thought, so to
separate it better from Obi-Wan's which comes as kind of
indirect speech...
It had been another painful session with Master Yoda. Like so
many others before. Obi-Wan slumped down on his bed. He didn't
sigh. There was no breath left. He sensed Anakin's presence in
the adjoining room. The little boy...Sith, he was a teenager
now, almost a man...he ought to have been given "the talk" by
now... Well, in a way he had done it. He had explained sex and
love and relationships to his Padawan. Though he had never
touched upon the subject of his teacher, his mentor and lover.
Qui-Gon's name had hung unspoken between them. Anakin had
understood, felt the meaning. He was sure of that.
//The boy, the boy, always the boy it is. Worry too much he
does. Exhaust himself he will. Not listen he does. Painful his
presence is. Neglect his own well-being he does. Mindful he is
only of his promise. Do something I must. Meditate I will. A
solution there must be. If there is not, find one I must...//
Anakin should not be his concern right now. The
boy...teen...oh whatever...Sith...now he would be cursing
himself and a dozen others who had nothing to do with the whole
thing in every language he knew - and some of those he
didn't... Travelling with his Master he had learned more than
just the skills of a Jedi... Damn it. Now there he was again.
It wouldn't do to be preoccupied.
He had worked so hard. He had learned. Yoda had taught him with
endless patience, devoting so much time to him. And all this
effort was simply wasted on him. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight.
He doubted he'd ever be a Master... NO!!! "That's it. Quit
thinking of your own worthlessness and get back to the matter
at hand. " His voice was low, rough, strained. A barely audible
whisper in the quiet of the darkness, the calming presence of
the soothing blanket of a seemingly interminable starry night.
//Weary he is. Lonely. Touch him, I can. Comfort him, I do.
Haunted he is. Unable to bond with his Padawan. Only a training
bond there is. No real closeness. Hard to accept the boy. Hard
to be his friend. Understand him, I do. Approve of it, I must
not. I cannot. Listen he does. Patient he is. Hungry to learn.
Use his knowledge, he cannot. Or dare not ? Questions there
are. Answers are needed. Find them I must. Soon...//
It wasn't Anakin's fault. The boy was a great Padawan. A little
stubborn, restless at times. Nothing he hadn't been himself at
that age. He understood him. At least that was what he thought.
Yet he didn't reach out. Didn't let him in. They were Teacher
and Apprentice, separated by a sheer vastness, a gulf Anakin
couldn't bridge and Obi-Wan didn't want to. Or dare to. He had
only just touched the subject when talking to Master Yoda. Only
just. They would have to dwell on it...soon. He had to be
prepared. Find his own answers. Some things were meant to be
his own concern. No one could take away the responsibility he
had for the boy...teen...whatever. Or for his training.
//Taking risks, he is. Talk to him I will. Wake him if I
must.// The little figure of the venerable Jedi Master shuffled
towards the quarters Obi-Wan shared with his apprentice. Nobody
would have supposed he was capable of that brisk a pace,
considering his age and his calm demeanour.
Obi-Wan sat upright in a swift movement, sensing the familiar
ripple in the Force. He cursed. Now that was it. And he hadn't
even managed to sort out his emotions, his anxieties. Well,
that was it. He couldn't help it. He flung his feet out of bed
in a noiseless motion, softly creeping to the door, slipping
out to join the waiting Jedi Master. One more short touch on
Anakin's mind - good, he was still fast asleep. At least his
shielding was perfectly intact. He followed Yoda out into the
gardens like a little child, settling down beside his elder in
a rather undignified heap. The moonlight painted shadowy
circles of silvery white around them - silver like the streaks
in his lover's hair...
//Qui-Gon. Always on his mind he is. Even now. Resolve this we
must. This night the turning point is. Depend on it the future
does. Know it I do. Tell him, I cannot. Understand it he must.
His destiny - in his decision it lies. Deal with this he must.
So young he still is. Bear such a burden he should not.//
The soft shaking of the head - Yoda was deeply troubled by
something. Obi-Wan could only guess that it was him, yet, Sith
he knew whatever was causing this silence to be so damn
foreboding was his fault. His doing. He had got himself into a
good bit of trouble this time. And no-one there to pull him
out. Not his Master, not the little creature beside him who
turned big, warm eyes on him, shining with remorseful pity.
"Like this I do not. Say it I must. Hurt you I might..."
"I...I know you mean well. I will listen to you and accept
whatever you have to tell me."
//Barely audible his voice is. One with the stillness of the
night. Tired he is. Hopeless he is. And hopeful. Trust me he
does...//
It was hard on the Jedi Master. Never before had he been faced
with such a situation. Not in all his years, decades, centuries
of teaching, of learning. OObi-Wan needed advice and guidance.
And he had given himself over completely in the care of his
Master's teacher.
//Alone I am in this.// It was a mental sigh that didn't escape
the old, well-constructed shields, flashing only briefly in the
calm eyes.
"Your apprentice the boy is. Train him well, you do. Skilled he
is. Good fighter. Like yourself. Other subjects you teach not.
Fail you will. Turn he might." Short, to the point, never
menacing, simply stating the facts. Emotionless as could be.
But Obi-Wan sensed the current of pity nevertheless. Yoda
didn't like to reprimand him so sternly. He knew he had merited
it. Every bit of it. Though he might not ever admit it, even to
himself.
"Let him in, you must. A friend, the boy needs. A teacher you
are. Be there for him. Guidance he needs."
"Master, I have talked to him, spent time with him...it's just
that...I..."
"Fear him, you do not."
Sith, how did that guy always know him so well. He had wanted
to put it all on his being afraid of Anakin's power. A lame
excuse. It ran so much deeper. Down to a level he didn't want
to venture to.
"Talk to me, you must. Admit your feelings. Deal with them you
will. One way, or the other. Suffer, Anakin will. Let down your
apprentice you have."
No hint of pity, not in the firm gaze, not in the steady
figure. No wavering. This was to be the hardest lesson he had
ever been taught. Obi-Wan sighed. He didn't want to. Not now.
He wanted...
"Sleep you cannot. Give up, you will not. Your responsibility
the boy is. Stick to it you must."
//Like it I do not. Hurt him I have. Sad his eyes are. Clouded.
Expressionless they seem. Lose his trust I will. Think of it I
must not. The boy my priority must be. Trained well, he needs
to be...//
"Master..."
"Listen you must. Darkness have I felt. Near it is. Ever
present. Cede, Anakin will. Be there you must. Need you he
does."
"He has friends. He and Amidala are..."
"No. Accept this I will not. Know you I do. Lonely you are.
Miss your lover. Let the boy feel it you do."
Obi-Wan was taken aback. The ancient Jedi's tone was harsh, a
stony edge to its quietness. No emphasis was needed. He
understood the implication. The problem he had with Anakin lay
in his relationship with Qui-Gon...
"I have accepted his death. I have moved on with my life, as
you told me to..."
//Bad this is. Deny he does. Tell him what I know I must not.
Admit it he must. Only then advise him I can.// It was
difficult. Seeing the sadness in Obi-Wan, yet being firm. For
the sake of another...the galaxy...
//Hard to see the future is. Always in motion. Seen the Dark
Side I have. Too often. Fight it I cannot. The key the boy is.
Deal with it Obi-Wan must.//
The little Jedi Master inclined his head. A gesture Obi-Wan
knew only too well. He was resigning to...well, probably to the
stubbornness of the idiot who sat beside him and made his life
a Sith hell with his...
"I can't." Two words conveying all the anguish, the pain the
young man felt. Not at having lost his lover...
"Lost your faith you have."
//Nod he does. Worse than I thought it is...//
A hand on his shoulder. Yoda's soothing mental presence. Once
again he felt drained. Every one of these sessions and
discussions cut through his defences, his emotional barriers,
driving deep into him, laying him open. He was left vulnerable.
No-one else would ever be allowed to see this side of him. Only
two people had he ever trusted with his innermost feelings.
Qui-Gon and Yoda...
"Open yourself to the boy you must. Be his friend you should."
Obi-Wan nodded. It sounded too easy, by far.
"Master, it...I...my defence is necessary...I...don't want
to..."
"It will hurt. Trust me you do. Trust Qui-Gon you did. With
your life. Trust Anakin you do not."
"He is...was...he is my...responsibility. I
didn't...chose...want him."
There, he had said it. Found out what kept him from being the
friend his apprentice sought in him. He hadn't wanted the boy.
Sith. What had he been thinking. He couldn't actually say he
hadn't chosen him. He had accepted his lover's last request,
made it his quest, built his future on it. He had taken Anakin
as his Padawan, settled down to a life with him, teaching him,
yet he had not got close enough, had not done all that was
necessary to establish the basis for a good relationship with
his charge.
"Trust you he does. Look up to you. His family you are.
Accepted him you have. Learned to live with him you have. But
trust him you do not."
WHY? The question, though never spoken hung heavily in the air
between them, suspended in the chilly breeze that swept through
the hazy moonlit gardens.
"I...feared him. In the beginning, that is.
Now...I...Sith...forgive me, Master I..."
"Curse if you will. Offended I am not. Say what you want you
should. Get it out now you must. Easier to deal with it will
be."
He wanted to hug the little Jedi Master. So much understanding.
It was beyond his reasoning. He was so much trouble, constantly
needed Yoda's advice, his patience, his guidance to get
through...
"Why are you doing this? I mean, don't you get tired of all my
howling, my..."
"Tedious you are not. A problem in you I do not see. Remind of
Qui-Gon you do. Honoured by your trust I am. Prove worthy of
it, I want to."
So simple. Such plain words. Obi-Wan knew for certain that he
would never forget them for as long as he lived. Had Qui-Gon's
love been communicated in every gesture, every tone of his
voice, so did Yoda speak to his heart, his soul in the very
same manner, comforting and soothing him, telling him he was
not alone, he was loved and accepted, with all his faults.
"He...Anakin...I...he is very lively, open, I...if I let myself
get carried away by his manner, I..."
//Show patience I must. Find his answer he will. Work with it
we can.//
Obi-Wan slowly turned his thoughts around in his head. So many,
all the emotions and feelings connected to his Padawan...
Figuring out what they meant, what his reactions implied - Sith
be damned! It couldn't be that? So simple...so... Shit... This
was...
"Found an answer you have."
"It...Master, that can't be it...I mean..."
"Tell me. Listen I will. Judge you I will not."
"It seems that...what I thought of..." A deep breath. "I guess
that if I give in to Anakin's friendly, open, uncomplicated
view of life, let myself get caught up in it...I will lose
control and...I don't have that much left, I mean, I'm
struggling so hard to keep everything together everyday. My
life, my thoughts, my memories, there are things I don't want
to share with Anakin. Things I can't say, and...if I let go,
trust him...I might let him know..."
"Some things shared must not be."
Yoda nodded. Good. It was true. He didn't want his feelings for
Qui-Gon to be laid out for the boy to see. This was his own
private grief. But his control only extended to a certain
level. It had been hard to pull himself together after he had
lost his Master, his lover. A part of him had died with the man
in his arms. He had shielded himself since then. Only Yoda had
been allowed to understand. To touch him.
"I don't know how to keep all I want to be private and personal
from slipping out to Anakin. I'm...not used to this
anymore...I..."
"Shared everything with Qui-Gon you have. All your feelings.
Forgotten how to draw the line... New the bond with your
apprentice is. Afraid of letting him know too much about you,
you are."
"What can I do about it ?"
"Help you, I cannot, Obi-Wan. See for yourself you must. Divide
what to share and what to keep to yourself. Necessary to sort
out your emotions, it is. Take care of Anakin, I will. A week
you have from tomorrow. Know where to find me you do."
A nod towards the young man, then the Jedi Master made his way
towards the Jedi Temple, shuffling quietly along the hallway to
wake Anakin and tell him to join him for breakfast.
In the misty dawn Obi-Wan sighed once more, before pushing
himself up to stroll around the grounds aimlessly, pondering
over the conversation. It would be a lot of work finding the
equilibrium between a friendly open relationship with the boy
and the necessity to keep as much of his life from his
apprentice as was possible. Sharing his thoughts and feelings
freely had come easily with Master Yoda in his deepest conflict
after his lover's death. But only Qui-Gon had ever possessed
his soul, been part of him, shared his spirit. Anakin never
could, nor anyone else...
As the slim figure vanished in the early morning haze,
Qui-Gon's silhouette lingered for a moment on the rustling
breeze. "I wish I could comfort you, beloved, but the time has
not yet come..."
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