Master Apprentice
Archive
They DO Come With Instructions!
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Archive: M_A; anyone else, just ask
Category: humour, Q/O
Rating: R
Warnings: very mild BDSM references. Written at midnight last night, unbeta'd.
Spoilers: no
Series: no
Summary: Where do masters go for advice?
Disclaimers: You the man, George. The only thing I'm getting for this is some cheap thrills and (hopefully) some feedback.
Padawan Starter Kit: Humanoid Model
Congratulations on your new padawan!
Whether you're a knight starting out with your first apprentice, or a master training your fifth, guiding a young Jedi on the path of light is a challenging, and often confusing, experience. The responsibilities and the rewards are enormous. This guide is designed to help answer your questions, and debunk some of the myths surrounding Jedi apprenticeship.
Myth: Now that I've chosen a padawan from the initiates, the hard part is over.
Fact: Raising a padawan is a task requiring patience and dedication. Your padawan will test both frequently.
Myth: Padawans like their masters to tug their braids as a gesture of affection.
Fact: While some padawans will accept this, most beings to not enjoy having their hair pulled.
Myth: I will be forced to share sleeping facilities with my padawan on most of our missions.
Fact: While this does happen on occasion, most clients provide an adequate number of beds.
Myth: All padawans have crushes on their masters.
Fact: While not uncommon, not all padawans develop romantic feelings for their masters. Do not be offended if your padawan does not fall in love with you.
Myth: Religious ceremonies and/or cultural idiosyncrasies will at some point force me to have sex with my padawan.
Fact: Most Republic planets understand they are part of a larger community, and do not attempt to force their culture on others.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My padawan has caught his/her/its braid in the blender. What should I do?
A: Remain calm. If you have not done so yet, shut off the power to the appliance. If there is no sign of injury, gently tug on the braid until it pulls free. DO NOT YANK, as this will cause your padawan pain. If the braid does not come free, you will have to cut it loose. DO NOT insert scissors if the appliance is still plugged in. If any other body part is caught, or if your padawan appears to be in pain and/or distress, CALL THE HEALERS IMMEDIATELY.
Q: Why doesn't my Build Your Own Lightsaber Kit [TM] come with red crystal dye?
A: Red lightsabers are associated with the Dark Side. If your padawan insists on a red lightsaber, contact the high council immediately.
Q: My padawan is taking an unusual amount of time using the refresher. Should I change his/her/its diet?
A: No. Most humanoid padawans enter puberty shortly after their apprenticeship begins. An important part of puberty is masturbation (see section eight, part fifteen). Your padawan requires time alone in a place in which he/she/it feels secure. Provide a warm, dry place which includes a locking mechanism on the door.
Q: My padawan is experiencing a loss of appetite. How do I get him/her/it to eat?
A: First, ensure you are offering a diet appropriate to your padawan's species. If the food is compatible, check your padawan for other signs of distress, which include (but are not limited to): dull hair, flaky dermal layer, excessive or unusual behaviour. Contact your healer for a list of species-specific warning signs. If there is no medical reason, the cause is most likely emotional. Consult section eight, part nineteen: What to do When Your Padawan Falls in Love With You.
Q: How often should I take my padawan to the healer?
A: A yearly checkup is recommended, however, this is rarely an issue. Your padawan will injure his/her/itself regularly. Be prepared to spend many hours in the healer's waiting room.
Q: Now that my padawan is mature, I find myself sexually attracted him/her/it. Is it advisable to act on these feelings?
A: Sexual liaisons between masters and padawans are discouraged but not forbidden. You will need to go through a rigorous examination by the council before proceeding, so schedule an appointment with them. You will need to bring lubricant, nipple clamps, a medium weight paddle, and a holocam with you.
If you have any further questions, please call our 24-hour assistance hotline at 263-54555-58425-49900-14191-5659.
"Assistance hotline. Help you, can I?"
"Er, yes. I have a question about my padawan. I've read the manual's section on, um, accidents, but most of the advice seems to be about them getting stuck in things. And, well, mine's got something stuck in him."
"More specific you must be."
"Oh, for Force's sake, Master, will you just help me?"
"Take that tone with me you will not. Mechanical or biological is the foreign object?"
"Biological."
"Produce section young Kenobi has been shopping in, eh? Heehee."
"Master! These calls are supposed to be anonymous. And it's nothing... vegetative."
"Oh? Voloxian pleasure-slug?"
"NO! Ew."
"Not a SoroSuub bio-dildo?"
"No. It's... well..."
"Trying a new kata were you? The horizontal kind?"
"Er..."
"Fool me you cannot. Reread the manual's section on master/apprentice sexual relations you must. Informed the Council--"
"--must be. Proper procedure, yes, I know. Although why you'd want a holovid of us... er, occupied, is beyond me."
"Understand it you would not. Council business. Now, stuck you are, you say?"
"Yes."
"Seen you in the showers I have. That big you are not."
"It's not a matter of size, Master. It's the lubricant."
"Forgot it you did?"
"No, Master. You see, Ob-- my padawan and I thought we'd try something new, so we... performed our kata... in the common room. Only my padawan had been working on some models earlier, and, well..."
"Oh, Qui-Gon. You did not."
"I'm afraid so. So I was wondering if there are any handy household products that will dissolve glue and not harm, er, flesh?"
"No. To the healers you must go."
"The healers! But how are we supposed to get there?"
"Your problem that is. Busy I am."
"But, Master--"
"Thank you for calling the Padawan Emergency Assistance Hotline. Please call again."
"Hey--" Click.
"Padawan Eerin?"
"Yes, Master Yoda?"
"Record that did you?"
"Snerk. Yes, Master."
"Good. Take a note, you will. Addendum to the Padawan Starter Kit Manual, section eight, part twenty-two. 'Attempt to lubricate anal intercourse with super glue you MUST NOT. Visit healers immediately if accidental... attachment occurs'. Got that do you?"
"Yes, Master Yoda. Master? The hotline is buzzing again."
"Yes, yes. Deaf I am not. Assistance hotline. Help you, can I?"
"Um, yes. My padawan has her braid caught in the blender..."
~Finis~
Ok, the challenge is pretty simple: add to the Padawan Starter Kit Manual, either the introduction, myths and facts, or the FAQs. Have fun!
3 (three) padawan uniforms, size S [ ] M [ * ] L [ ] XL [ ]
1 (one) pair boots, leather
1 (one) all-purpose robe, one size fits all
1 (one) customizable utility belt
1 (one) Hair!Care Padawan Pack [TM], containing clippers, bands, beads, and ribbons (assorted colours)
1 (one) Build Your Own Lightsaber Kit [TM] -- crystal dyes included. NEW COLOUR! Wildberry Purple!
1 (one) instruction booklet: So You've Chosen a Padawan -- Now What?