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Archive: yes please on M_A, anyone else just ask

Categories: Angst (big time), Point of View

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: nope, none what so ever

Series: Gods I hope not, this one was hard enough to write.

Disclaimers: Damn George, he is the lucky owner of these two wonderful Jedi. I just like to borrow and have a little fun. I will return them someday. Warning: This story is written in a form called Free Association writing. The person just writes and writes, sometimes not paying attention to what is being said or things like grammar or punctuation. So before someone decides to flame me about this, please remember, all of the mistakes in this story are intentional and are meant to show the insanity of the character. Please don't kill me! There are no paragraphs. If this is going to bother you, don't read it. I tried breaks and it didn't flow right. It really is not that long of a fic.

Feedback: Please! Please! Please let me know on-list or off, don't care either way, just let me know.

Summary: Writings of a very depressed Obi-Wan.

Another night of no sleep, haven't been able to sleep properly for a long time. Stress can be a killer at times. Not having any credits either can also be a killer. I am sitting here at my computer wondering if I will ever be able to find a job ever find a place I belong. There just doesn't seem to be any work for a former Jedi. Yea, I could become a farmer, but me with crops, I would have no idea where to begin. While I was at the temple, I never had to worry about things like this, never had to worry about making money, trying to keep a roof over my head, or buying the basics like food. It sure is a wonder how life can be. It also doesn't help much that the force has been unusually quiet over the past couple of years. Maybe the stress of everyday living has gotten to me and I am not calm enough to be able to access it. Or maybe something happened that one night, so long ago, when all was lost and I had to leave the Jedi order. Now there brings back a lot of memories, memories of a simpler life. Life with Bant and Garen, sometimes, I even miss Brock. I wonder what they are doing, are they padawans, who is their master. I am envious of them, living that simple life as a Jedi. Some people don't understand, but life as a Jedi in training is actually very simple. We meditated, was calm, only had to work on the training. It was nothing like it is out in the real world. No one wanted me as a padawan, especially Qui-Gon. I remember the day he told me he couldn't take me as his apprentice. He was my last hope to be a Jedi. I begged for him to take me on. All the while, he just ignored me, didn't want me, didn't love me. Oh how much I loved him. I had fantasies about him for as long as I could remember. What would it be to feel his touch on my body, to feel his love wash over me, to have him look at me with those lust-filled eyes? Now none of that will ever happen. He didn't want me, so tear stricken, I left to become a drifter in the galaxy, working from place to place, from job to job, not knowing whither or not I will have a place to sleep tomorrow, or if I will have food in my stomach. Be mindful of the future, my ass. I am just worrying about the here and now, living for today. Strange, it is kinda ironic, living for today was always my weakest lesson as an initiate. My mind was always to the future. Future, what is that? My future is so uncertain at this moment. I really need to find someway of making money maybe I could go back to whoring, giving myself to woman that needed to get laid, to me that wanted a nice ass to fuck. I promised myself that I would never do that again after the last time, in which I was almost beaten to death two long and painful months I lied in bed because of that and another six months after that until I was able to do anything. What happened to all of the friends I had the ones that took care of me, no one seems to want to talk with me anymore. Everyone gone, no one around, no one left, Im so alone, and scaared. Mayybe II should go back to the temple maybe I should contact someone talk with someone but nothing seeems to help. Talk was alwaysss goood when I was an initate talk talk meditate and talk train talk meditatie somemore talksomemore learn somethingsand then talk somemore. talked a lot with masteryoda loved master Yoda loved thejedi loved master quigon. i want back the Life i was suppost to have one inwhich qqui-ggoon Jinnnn lovved Mee and traiined me what happpened What did I do ttoo looosse That masteryoda would know master yooooda knooowsss evveryything iiii should gotohim, yess that iss what i wiilll doo iii amm nnnnoott tooo far gonne tto bee savved the jjjjedi caan save mee cant theyy iii wantt my liife baacck iiiwant my liffeback iiwaantmmmyyyy liiifebbaackkk iiwwwwanttmmmmyyyliiffebaacckk foorcceheeelpmeffforcccehlpmeforchlpmeee...whhhhhaaaattaaammmmmIIIgggggoooooiiiiinnnnngggtttttoooodddddoooo...