In These Final Hours
by Susan Anthony (LdyGossamer@aol.com)
Pairing: Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon
Archive: Master_Apprentice and anyone else, just ask
Category: AU, First Time, Angst, Songfic
Rating: NC17
Spoilers: none
Summary: An apprentice makes a final request of his
master.
Feedback: Very welcome to LdyGossamer@aol.com
Warnings: M/M relationship, Obi-Angst.
Notes: This is based on a favorite song, the title and lyrics
of which follow the story.
More Notes: Thanks to my ever patient beta, Maig.
Disclaimer: The Boyz aren't mine. This story is for the
pleasure of the readers only. I don't make a thing except more
paper on the printer.
Obi-Wan Kenobi slowly drew on his formal whites for the first
time. He felt the texture of each garment against his skin as
he dressed, breathing in deeply to find the courage to follow
through with his intention. Turning briefly to his mirror, he
saw a new made Jedi Knight standing where a padawan had been
only hours before.
Without conscious thought, his fingers sought out the missing
padawan braid which now twined softly around his Master's
wrist. Qui-Gon had cut his last tie to Obi-Wan without
hesitation, knowing his apprentice was more than ready to stand
with the other Knights of the Jedi Order. The Jedi Master had
stood before his apprentice with such a loving expression, such
pride and joy in his blue eyes that Obi-Wan had fallen in love
with him all over again.
The new Knight breathed in deeply and slowly exhaled, looking
for serenity where there was none to be had. He stared into his
own green eyes in the glass. What did Qui-Gon see when he met
his former padawan's gaze? Did he see an expression to match
the lost feeling that laced through Obi-Wan's soul?
One last time, Obi-Wan calmed himself and centered his focus
within his mind. Then the door to his room opened and he walked
into the common room he had shared with his Master for the last
thirteen years.
Qui-Gon sat serenely in his favorite chair with a gentle smile
on his lips as he absently gazed out the window, his fingers
absently caressing the braid circling his wrist.
"Master?" Obi-Wan said softly as he moved to kneel beside the
older Jedi. Qui-Gon's smiled widened as he turned to his
apprentice.
"I am not your master any longer, Obi-Wan," he reminded the new
Knight. Obi-Wan merely smiled.
"And how often have you called Master Yoda by his name,
Master?" he asked as he reached out to touch the slender braid
twined around Qui-Gon's wrist.
"Not very many," was the chuckled reply. "I cannot say that I
mind hearing it from you." Qui-Gon's expression took on a more
serious cast as he reached out and touched Obi-Wan's face
gently. "I cannot tell you how proud of you I am, Obi-Wan
Kenobi," he said.
Obi-Wan looked up at his master, his eyes bright before he
dropped them. "It has been my honor and my joy to learn from
you, My Master."
"And now, a Knight you are, my padawan," Qui-Gon continued in a
faint imitation of his own former master.
Obi-Wan's fingers again strayed to the place where his braid
used to be. "I have already received my first assignment. I am
to leave tomorrow morning with Knight Oarus."
"Already?" Qui-Gon asked in surprise, his brows drawing
together. "You haven't even settled into your new quarters
yet."
"Bant and some others will be by tomorrow to move my things
master," the new Knight replied, his eyes planted firmly on the
floor. "Anakin will be able to move in by tomorrow afternoon."
"Obi-Wan," the master said as he leaned forward and caught his
former padawan's chin. He forced the young man to look at him
and saw the pain he knew was there. Pain he could do nothing
about despite the fact that he would give everything he was to
soothe it. "I did not mean to imply that it would cause me
trouble should you choose to remain here any longer," he said
firmly. "I only hoped the Council would let you get settled
into your new rank before sending you off to the Rim."
"How did you know the destination?"
"Knight Oarus is a specialist in Rim politics." Qui-Gon dropped
his hand but held his padawan's eyes. "The Council means to
send you into the heat of the fire."
"Yes," Obi-Wan said as he leaned back on his heels. He
understood his master's words and knew that he wasn't being
chased out. The hurt was there, however. And perhaps all he
could do was make his request and leave. "Master," he began
again. "I have something to ask."
Qui-Gon looked down at the tawny hair that matched the braid he
wore. "Whatever I have is yours, Obi-Wan," he said gently.
"Whatever I can do for you, I will."
The young Knight slowly breathed in and raised his eyes to meet
his master's. "Qui-Gon, this is my last night here. I would
like to spend it with you, to sleep in your arms just once and
love you."
The Jedi Master said nothing for a long time as Obi-Wan held
his eyes. His expression didn't change though his blue eyes
deepened with compassion and longing.
"Obi-Wan," he finally said, his voice laced with sorrow. "You
know I love you. You are the closest thing in this galaxy to
me. Son, friend, companion, shield brother." The Jedi leaned
forward as he again touched his former apprentice's face. "But
you know I do not...can not share the love you feel for me in
that way."
Obi-Wan flinched inside. He'd steeled himself to hear it again
but it still hurt like Ynin's Seventh Hell. Obi-Wan's
expression, however, remained determined.
"I understand," he replied quietly. "I understand and accept
it. But I'm leaving. And if I know the Council, I'm going to be
gone for a long time." Stopping for a moment, he grit his teeth
to keep himself from begging. Then he turned bright eyes back
to his master's gaze. "I know you don't love me as you
loved...him." He stopped again and tried to keep his tone and
expression steady. "But I want to take the memory of your arms
with me when I go. I only want...the memory."
"I do not think you are wise to ask this, Obi-Wan," the master
began but the Knight interrupted him.
"It may not be wise, Qui-Gon, but it is what I want. It is all
I ask." The younger man met his master's eyes with an
expression of longing so intense that Qui-Gon could feel it
through the Force though they no longer shared a training bond.
"Please, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan finally whispered, his voice
breaking. "Please."
"Peace Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, suddenly beside him, his arm
around the younger man's shoulders. His deep voice was rough
with his own emotions as Obi-Wan turned and buried his face in
his master's robes.
"Please, Qui-Gon," he said again. "I just want the memory. I'll
make no demands, have no expectations other than that."
"It's not enough for you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon denied.
The Knight leaned back shaking his head as he looked into
Qui-Gon's troubled eyes. "No, Master. I know what I'm asking
and I know what I want." He looked at the older Jedi as the man
hesitated. Obi-Wan's voice cracked slightly as he begged with
his eyes. "Just tell me yes or no, Qui-Gon. You will never
convince me not to ask this of you."
Qui-Gon reached forward and framed his former padawan's face in
his large hands. "Are you sure of this, Obi-Wan?" he asked a
final time. "I do not want to hurt you more than I have
already. You know I can't give you the love you want."
"Whatever you can give me, will be enough, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan
replied without hesitation.
The Jedi Master looked into his companion's eyes a few moments
longer and then nodded. "Very well, my padawan. Complete the
preparations for your trip, Obi-Wan," he instructed, his voice
gentle, "Then I ask that you meditate on this again. If you
still want this, come to my room. I will be waiting."
Obi-Wan stared at his master until he consciously forced
himself to take in a long breath. He stood a bit unsteadily and
looked down at Qui-Gon who was still seated on the floor beside
him. The master looked up, his blue eyes dark with compassion
and sadness.
"Thank you master," Obi-Wan breathed as he gave the man a low
bow. Then he turned and left the room.
It hadn't taken long for him to finish boxing his things for
Bant to come and move tomorrow. And his packs for the trip were
already beside the door. He had meditated a long while on his
request of his master. He knew it was selfish; knew his master
didn't want to hurt him but Obi-Wan wanted at least once in
this life to feel Qui-Gon Jinn wrapped around him. He wanted
Qui-Gon to know his love even though the Jedi Master could
never return it.
Obi-Wan stood outside his master's door for a long time before
he knocked. It slid open almost immediately and Qui-Gon stood
before him, clothed in a robe of deepest blue silk. Meeting
Obi-Wan's eyes, his master ascertained the younger man's
decision and then held out his hand. Instinctively, the new
Knight placed his hand in his master's palm.
"Come, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon murmured softly. "Come and love me."
Obi-Wan's hand tightened as Qui-Gon led him through the door.
It slid shut behind him and the younger man noted the low
light, brightened only by candles that glimmered softly around
the room. The scent of his favorite Athelia flowers drifted in
the flickering light.
Obi-Wan turned to the watching master, a question in his eyes.
Qui-Gon responded by pulled his padawan close and wrapping his
arms tightly around him.
"Obi-Wan, you know if I could have loved anyone after him..."
he whispered, almost wistfully. Qui-Gon cupped his chin and
breathed against his lips, "If I could have loved you, I would
have."
The younger Jedi looked up at Qui-Gon the love he felt plainly
in his green eyes. "We can't choose who we love, Qui-Gon," he
sighed in a thick voice.
"No, we cannot," the man replied as he gently began to undress
the young Knight. "But I can give you what you have asked for
this night, Obi-Wan. I only hope you don't come to regret the
asking."
"I won't," Obi-Wan said breathlessly. Then he stood silently as
each pure white piece of his Jedi uniform was taken from him,
folded and set aside. Finally, he stood before Qui-Gon as he
had first been presented to the crèche, graced only with
what the Force had given him.
Then the master untied the belt of his own robe and let it fall
to the floor. Obi-Wan devoured the sight of his master's grace
as if it were his last meal and Qui-Gon waited patiently before
he circled around to stand behind his former apprentice. His
fingertips ran gently up Obi-Wan's arms and the younger man
sighed and leaned back as Qui-Gon whispered in his ear.
"What do you want, Obi-Wan?" he asked as he touched his lips to
Obi-Wan's temple. "This is a memory we create for you. Do you
want to receive me into you or..."
"Both master," he stammered heavily as Qui-Gon's hands caressed
his chest. "Please, I want both."
He smiled slightly against the Knight's throat. "You have an
optimistic view of my stamina, I'm afraid. But for you, my
bright padawan, I do my best."
Qui-Gon led his padawan to the bed and gently laid him down.
The master's caresses were flames against Obi-Wan's skin and
the younger man responded eagerly, touching, caressing, feeling
his master against him, wrapped around him. Obi-Wan closed his
eyes tightly against the tears that leaked down his face as
Qui-Gon moved powerfully inside him, touching him intimately as
he never had before and as he never would again.
And later, as Obi-Wan brought his master to the brink of
ecstasy, Qui-Gon cried out his padawan's name as the younger
man filled him. Hearing his name on his master's lips, Obi-Wan
could set aside the true name his master called out deep within
his mind, the name that Qui-Gon's Dark-broken soulbond would
call for until the master joined the Force. Xanatos.
The morning light was scarcely gleaming across the busy skies
of Coruscant as Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi walked towards the
transport waiting to take him to the Outer Rim. Knight Oarus
waited on the launch pad for his new partner, watching
thoughtfully as the younger man joined him by the ship's
onramp.
"Knight Kenobi," he said with a slight bow. "It is good to see
you again."
"Knight Oarus," Obi-Wan responded with an equal bow. He would
have to remember he no longer owed a padawan's obedience to any
Knight.
"I am surprised your master is not here to see you off," Oarus
noted as he glanced at the doorways behind them. "He has always
been very attentive of you."
"Qui-Gon and I said our good-byes last night," Obi-Wan replied
quietly as he shifted his shoulder pack. He met the other
Knight's eyes with an expressionless gaze and Oarus finally
nodded.
"We should be on our way then," he said as he turned and walked
up the ramp. "We have a long distance to go and I have much to
share with you about our mission."
Knight Kenobi nodded as he watched the older man disappear
inside the transport. Then he took a deep breath and followed
Knight Oarus up the ramp.
Notes: Based on Bonnie Raitt's song, "Can't Make You Love Me"
I Can't Make You Love Me
(M. Reid/A. Shamblin)
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
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