I Grieve

by quigonspadawan (quigonspadawan@yahoo.com)

Feedback: I want it. Please...but be gentle. It's my first fic.

Archive: M_A ...or if you want it let me know.

Category: Angst, songfic

Paring: Q/O

Rating: PG-13 for language maybe?

Summary: Title says it all.

Disclaimer: George kills all we love, or at least hurts them really bad. He did have sense enough to think them up so he does own them. I own Jack and Shit and Jack left town. So you won't get a thing from me.

Warning: *That* scene is portrayed. Character death.

Authors notes: Heard the song, thought of the boys, here you go......

* * denotes thoughts, song in italics. Peter Gabriel - I Grieve

Powering down his lightsaber, Obi-Wan Kenobi runs to the spot where his master has fallen after being run through by a monster. That's what it was, a monster. With it's red tattooed face, pointed teeth, and double ended saber. He kneels onto the floor and gently cradles his masters head in his lap.

"It's ...it's too late." His master barely breathes out. *Oh force this is bad.* His master, Qui-Gon Jinn, is one of the strongest Jedi in the galaxy. *Get up!* his mind is screaming. But it will not happen, and he knows it. "No!" Obi denies. *Qui-Gon just needs to see the healers.*

"Obi-Wan. Promise...promise me you will train the boy."

Obi-Wan rubs his hand over his masters cheek. Then cups the strong jaw that is clenched in pain. *He will be alright.* "Yes Master," he chokes out.

Qui-Gon reaches up to stroke Obi-Wans face. Pride shows on his face as well as pain. "He is the chosen one," Qui-Gon gasps. "He will bring balance ...train him."

Obi-Wan nods his head in agreement. He clutches his master to him and begins to rock back and forth. *Master, please wake up. I love you, I need you. Wake up!!!!!*

Obi-Wan walked down the temple halls with his head straight ahead. There was a deadness in his eyes that gave people pause. No one stopped to talk to him, as if sensing their condolences were not welcome. He stopped in front of the door that would lead him into his quarters. It had been first Qui-Gon's home and then it had slowly became their home. *How can I go in there now?* He palmed the lock and went inside, his body moving of it's own accord. The door slid shut behind him and he just stopped. Looking around he saw Qui-Gon's heavy robe that he wore on cold climate missions, lying on the back of the couch, not having been put away after its use from the mission before their last one. Their had been no time. For anything.

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
is just the way that you were tied in
Now there's no one home.

He was going to tell his master that he loved him. Of course he had loved him, the way all padawans loved their masters, but what he felt was more. He had slowly begun to see his master as not only a great Jedi, but as a man as well, but now that telling would never happen. He would never be able to look Qui-Gon in the face and tell him he loved him, wanted him, needed him. Qui-Gon was dead. Gone. Forever.

He went to the couch and gathered the large robe in his hands, brought it up to his nose and breathed deeply. It smelled of Qui. Of that scent uniquely him. Just as Qui's force signature had been his own, so had his smell. It was a warm smell, like sunshine, crisp. Like going outside on one of those planets that had large trees and lakes. No matter how much time Qui-Gon had spent on Coruscant, which was more technological than organic, he still somehow managed to smell as if he had just stepped out of one of those lakes. Rubbing his face into the cloth he felt the tears begin to swell in his eyes. He sat down on the couch and missed the presence that should have been by his side.

So many nights they had sat beside each other on this very couch. Obi studying while Qui had went over research, or just watching holo vids together. It had never mattered to Obi what they did, as long as Qui-Gon was with him, he had been content. He had never felt the need to go anywhere. Why go somewhere when your whole life is beside you? Now there was nothing at all.

I grieve...... for you
And you leave....... me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

He stood abruptly and walked into Qui-Gons room, leaving the light off. He had memories of sitting in the middle of that huge bed, while Qui-Gon readied himself for the counsel, or on the rare occasion Qui-Gon had to go on missions without his padawan. Obi would sit on that bed sulking while his master had packed. He had hated it when Qui-Gon went anywhere without him. At night, Obi would miss him and get up and lay in his masters bed, reveling in Qui-Gon's force signature that stayed after his master was gone. He knew Qui-Gon could tell from his own signature that he had been there, but his master said nothing. He went there now. This was as close as he would ever get to the man again.

His breath hitched in his throat as the sobs tore through his frame. * We were suppose to have a life together.* He pulled the robe around himself burying his face in it. He felt as if he were being ripped in two.

The news that truly shocks
is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
it's empty, empty cage
and I can't handle this
I grieve....... for you
You leave....... me

All those infrequent smiles, the ones where Qui's mouth would quirk ever so slightly. They would never be seen again. The defiant looks he gave to the counsel. The way he would look at Obi-Wan when the Padawan was being tiresome. Him pinching the bridge of his nose, waiting for Obi-Wan to stop whatever he was doing. Sometimes just the tired lopsided grin when Obi would tease him when other people would stare at him as they walked by. Everyone noticed his master. He was a beautiful man. *He was. I hate that word.......was.*

Anger swelled inside him. *Its not fair. Why was Qui-Gon not here?* He wiped his face with a corner of the robe. He felt fear rising in him. * I failed him. I wasn't fast enough,* he thought to himself. * I wasn't good enough. He would be here if not for me. Oh force it should have been me.*

Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

In the back of his perception he felt a tug. There was someone at the door. He waved his hand to unlock the door as he sat up on the bed. Flicking his hand again he turned the lights on to a warm glow. *It should be him coming through that door, back from another mission.* But it wasn't.

"Releasing you emotions you are not," Master Yoda observed as he entered the bedroom. "Broadcasting throughout the temple you are."

Obi-Wan straightened himself and raised his eyes to meet Yoda's. "I am trying," he managed to get out. His voice was raspy, his throat raw. "I just can't...." Obi-Wan looked down ashamed. He was disappointed with himself and knew his master would have been too.

"Understand he would." Yoda said. "But made a promise to him did you not, hmm?"

*The boy*

Life carries on in the people I meet
In everyone that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust

He had promised to train the boy. The boy he wanted no part of. *Qui-Gon had thought Anakin to be the chosen one.*

"The chosen one he may or not be." Yoda said, pointing his glimmer stick at Obi-Wan. "Strong with the force, your padawan he is. Train him you will."

"Yes Master," Obi-Wan responded.

Life carries on and on and on
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Yoda sat down beside him. Laying his glimmer stick to the side, he put his hand on Obi-Wan's arm. "Gave you this responsibility Qui-Gon did because knew you could handle it." Giving Obi's arm a squeeze he told him, "Very proud of you your master was. Loved you very much he did."

*Not the way I loved him* Obi-Wan couldn't stop the thought from leaking out.

"Loved you the same he did," Yoda said.

Obi-Wan turned to face Yoda. "What?" he asked, his heart quickening. He was sure he had misunderstood the little green master.

Yoda sighed. "Too old for this I am." The old Master squinted his eyes and gazed at Obi-Wan. "Bonded you were as master and padawan," he said, "but life bonded Qui-Gon would have sought after your knighting." Yoda stood to leave grabbing his glimmer stick as he rose. "Waiting in the force is he for you," he said. "When done with this life, together will you be."

Did I dream this belief
or did I believe this dream?
Now I will find relief
I grieve

I grieve...... for you