Master Apprentice  Archive Star Wars Episode 2: Let's Humilate
Anakin |
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Pairing: Obi/?
Rating: R
Category: Humor, Q/O, O/A
Warning: Tasteless humor.
Spoilers: If you haven't seen it, you won't get it.
Disclaimer: If Qui-Gon, Obi-wan, and Anakin ever find out what I've done to them, I'll be so screwed. Hey, wait, that's not such a bad idea....!
Feedback: I had fun writing it, you have fun reading it, you have fun writing feedback, I have fun reading it!
Summary: How Episode 2 should be.
Notes: If you like Anakin, go read something else. However, if you'd like to see him squirm, this is your story. Anakin is nineteen in this one. And yes, I did use Ryan Gosling as a prototype for how he should look. It's just a bit of craziness wrapped up in a play script!
Scene 1: Obi-wan's quarters on Coruscant, ten years after The Phantom Menace. The main room. Obi-wan and Anakin are sitting on the couch, at the end of a long conversation. Anakin, during this talk, has been trying to move closer to Obi-wan, and Obi-wan has been trying to get away, so the final effect is of Obi-wan almost falling off the couch and Anakin leaning over him.
Obi-wan: And that's the way it must be. (pushes Anakin away) I'd prefer to hear no more of this.
Anakin: It's not fair! (whining). It's been ten years, by the Force! You just don't want me, you never have! You always hated me! (He runs out of the room, Obi-wan leans back against the couch with a sigh of relief).
Scene 2: An office in Palpatine's palace. Anakin walks through the door, sparing a glance for the pretty young secretary, who raises a hand in a 'stop' gesture.
Anakin: I can go right in.
Secretary: You can go right in.
(She watches as Anakin disappears through the ornately carved wooden doors).
(Inside the office)
Palpatine: Good day to you, young Skywalker.
Anakin: Yeah. (bitterly). I tried your advice.
Palpatine: And?
Anakin: It didn't work. Nothing ever works!
Palpatine: Did you do it exactly as I told you?
Anakin: Of course. But he just comes up with all this stuff about wanting to 'honor Qui-Gon's memory'!
Palpatine: You have to be patient, young one. Sometimes it takes a very long time to get what you want.
Anakin: Yeah, like how long?
Palpatine: Sometimes as long as...a thousand years.
(Anakin looks quizzically at Palpatine)
Scene 3: Obi-wan's quarters. Obi-wan is speaking into a comlink.
Obi-wan: Now would be perfect....oh, he's gone...from the way he left, I don't think he'll be back tonight....wonderful....I'll see you in ten, then...bye love....
(The comlink clicks off. Obi-wan gets up and moves into another room, smiling.)
Scene 4: A room in the palace of Theed on Naboo. Amidala is chattering with her handmaidens.
Sabe: Has he asked you yet?
Amidala: No. But he will. We've been engaged practically since we met, you know!
Rabe: But that was ten years ago! You're nearly twenty-five!
Amidala: But he will want to finish his training first.
Yane: That will take too long...
Amidala: ...then we'll have the biggest wedding ever! It will be the event of the galaxy!
(All the handmaidens start talking at once).
Scene 5: Obi-wan's quarters.
The door slides open and someone, wrapped in Jedi robes so you can't see the face, walks in. Obi-wan hurries in from the other room and the couple embrace.
After a moment, the stranger pulls off the Jedi robe and tosses it so that it neatly covers the camera. We now can't see anything except blackness. Breathy moans and gasps come from the other side of the cloth, then...
Scene 6: Palpatine's Office
Anakin: And then the whipped cream?
Palpatine: Only after the berries. This makes an excellent dessert, if you do it right, and that includes adding the proper ingredients at the proper time.
Anakin: Yes, Mas--I mean, yes, of course, Chancellor. Do you have the recipe with you?
Palpatine: Right here (hands Anakin a small white card).
Anakin: And what exactly do you call this?
Palpatine: Maulberry Delight.
Anakin: Okay.
Palpatine: Now, why don't you run along. I have some official business to attend to. I'll tell you what, why don't you make this dessert for your Master tonight...just add a little of this...(he pulls out a small bottle and hands it to Anakin)...it will make him very happy....
Anakin: (his eyes go wide as he realizes what Palpatine is supposedly giving him) Oh, thanks, Chancellor! You're the best! (he gives the Chancellor an impulsive hug; Palpatine gulps and tries to get away) I'll see you later!
(Anakin leaves the room, hips swaying in an innnocently seductive motion. Palpatine surreptiously wipes drool off his chin, staring at the boy.)
Palpatine: Yeah, later. Then I will reveal myself to the Jedi. Now I will have revenge.
Scene 7: The Gardens of the Palace of Theed. Amidala is sitting alone, speaking into her comlink.
Amidala: Hi, Ani. So nice of you to call.
(We can't hear Anakin's words, but it is clear that they must be devastating, as Amidala starts to sob. White makeup begins to run down her face).
Amidala: Please, no, Anakin, don't to this to us....I love you....Anakin...
(The comlink clicks off. Amidala wipes her face on her dress, still crying.
Scene 8: Obi-wan's rooms again. We are still under the brown cloth. But we do hear voices, drowsy, lazy, obviously post-sex .
Obi-wan: Oh, I'd walk through fire for you.....
(The stranger laughs, a very familiar laugh.)
Qui-Gon: You had your chance at that, Obi-love.
(A hand pulls the Jedi robe away from the camera. We see Qui-Gon and Obi-wan lying spooned together on the couch, unfortunately covered by that robe now. As they kiss...
Scene 9: Palpatine's office. He is staring at a computer screen.
Palpatine: Oh, yes....this is a good one. This little thing (he holds up what looks like a small camera) was worth the 200,000 credits I paid for it.
(He types on the keyboard for a moment, then stops).
Palpatine: So what should I charge for access to see the young, nubile Anakin Skywalker in all his glory? (He clicks the mouse, and his jaw drops, staring at the screen). Oh. He's so hot....
(His hand moves out of sight beneath the desk, there is a slight rustle of clothes, and we....
Cut away before we are completely grossed out.)
Scene 10: The hallway outside Obi-wan's rooms. Anakin walks down to his door, and as it opens, he steps back, shock visible on his face.
Anakin: I can't believe this.
(The camera moves so we are looking from Anakin's POV at the two Jedi lying on the couch).
Obi-wan: Anakin. (He is a bit flustered but trying to retain teacherly composure, a difficult task to manage while lying nude on the couch, covered only by a Jedi robe.)
Anakin: Damn you both! (He walks over to the door of his room, but is stopped by Qui-Gon's voice).
Qui-Gon: Chosen One or not, don't you dare try to touch what is mine!
(Dramatically, Anakin falls through the door of his room, slamming his head against the wall.)
Scene 11: Palpy's office
Secretary: (through intercom) There's a visitor here to see you...a small green creature...I think he said his name was Yoda....
Palpatine: (picking himself up off the floor and straightening his robes) All right. Send him in.
(Yoda enters).
Ah, Master Yoda! Greatest of the Jedi, how may I serve you?
Yoda: Pictures of young Anakin, how did you obtain? The secret I must know!
Palpatine: (looking innocent) What pictures?
Yoda: Fool with me not! Bookmarked your website, I have!
Palpatine: Oh, those pictures! With this. (he holds up the small camera).
Yoda: Sell it to me, you will!
(Mace Windu rushes into the room, not waiting to be announced.)
Mace: Oh, thank the Force, there you are! (To Palpatine) He got out and we couldn't find him! I'd looked everywhere! I thought I'd never track him down....thank you.
(Mace pulls Yoda out of the office as Palpatine looks on, amused.)
Scene 12: The Naboo gardens. Amidala, having recovered from her tears, is walking back to the palace, talking into her comlink again.
Amidala: Oh, Anakin, that's so sweet of you, but I don't think....you see, I realized some things after you called me....(she yells into the comlink) GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL, YOU LITTLE TWERP!
(The comlink clicks off.)
(Cut to Anakin, surprised).
Anakin: Damn
(Cut to Qui-Gon and Obi-wan, sitting together on the couch.)
Obi-wan: Oh, Qui-Gon, what you do to me...(his words are stopped by their frantic kiss)
(Cut back to Amidala)
Amidala: I am so through with men! (she calls) Sabe, Sabe, come here, I need you!
Cut to Anakin, sitting in front of his computer. The camera closes in on the screen where we see the words:
NEW! HOT Pictures of Padawan Anakin!
Get Them NOW or they'll be gone!
Anakin: Fuck!