How Did I Fall?

by Master Rose

Title: How Did I Fall?
Author: Master Rose
Archive: If you wish
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Q/O
Category: Angst
Warnings: Hankie alert. Also, first-person and unbetaed. My first posted fic in quite some time.
Disclaimers: George Lucas owns all things Star Wars and makes a fortune off of them. Me, I give my fan fiction away for free.
Summary: Obi-Wan grieves for what was.

I hurt all over.

No, that's not entirely true. There's a huge, numb hole in the center of my chest where my heart used to be. It's hard to draw breath. It's hard to hear myself breathe over the rasping of the blood pounding through my veins. Is it possible to die of grief?

I never dreamed that anything could hurt so much. But it does. And it's not likely to go away.

Ever.

He's gone. Or he will be soon.

My bondmate, my soulmate, my forever love. We were drawn together by the Force, but now he's abandoning me with little more than a few words.

"I will do what I must, Obi-Wan."

And what he must do, apparently, is leave me. Leave me for another who he thinks needs him.

Have I been so blind, so naīve? All those "I love you's," both spoken and unspoken, all those "forever's." Did I only believe them because I wanted to? Because I needed to?

Oh, how I need to hear them again. I'd give my right arm, my life, everything I am, everything I have, to hear them again.

But if I did, would I let myself believe them this time?

I doubt it. How can I ever open my heart again when there is nothing left of it?

How did I miss the warning signs? Surely there must have been some. When I reminded him of his words, of the fact that he said he was happy here, with me, oh how it cut when he said, "I think I was trying to convince myself."

Well, he certainly convinced me. I fell for it all, soaked it up, returned it a thousand fold. I made sure everyday that he knew how much I loved him, how much I treasured him, how I always had his back no matter what. For better or worse. And yet he has flung me and everything we have together aside like a worn out boot to pursue his life elsewhere.

"This isn't the end," he said. "We'll still be in touch."

Not the end? Then why has my world stop revolving? Why am I sick with grief, my eyes swollen from sobbing, my lungs still freezing in my chest every second breath? How is it that I can't picture his face in my mind without the pain doubling and redoubling?

I sit here alone, empty. My soul longs to go to him, to plead again as I did yesterday.

"Please don't leave me! Oh sweet Force, please don't leave me!"

It did no good yesterday, and it would do no good today.

My ears long for the sound of his voice, my eyes for just a glimpse of his face. But I don't know how to be near him now, not when my heart breaks anew every time I see him. I don't know how not to be near him, either, when the separation is this painful. How much pain can one soul stand?

What will I do without him, without the life we were creating between us?

How did I fall so deeply in love with someone who could leave me this way?

How?