Archive: My site and the m_a archive. Anyone else, just ask. I
won't say no.
Category: I'm not at all sure, but it's an AU, h/c, angst, and
POV. Yeah, I think that's all.
Rating: G, I guess. Nothing happens here.
Warning: I'm sure I'm not following Canon somewhere. After all,
I'm not all that familiar with anything in this universe
besides the movies, the comic adaptation and what I have been
reading here.
Spoilers: A lot for TPM. In fact, it happens right after the
ending
Summary: Qui Gon meditates in the palace of Naboo, thinking
about Obi Wan's actions.
Disclaimer: Everything here belongs to George Lucas, who is
god. And I'm not making any money out of this... so it would
really be pointless to sue me for it.
Content: Q/O.
Feedback: I love it. It's inspiring... and if anyone would have
time to detailed feedback, I would really appreciate it.
Notes: Now it's the time for Qui Gon's thoughts on the whole
matter. The Master Jedi was kinda difficult to write, but I
think I managed to get him right.
Oh, and // means telepathy.
Dedicated: To my Beta, Gaby Maya, who gave me the great idea of
who bought Obi Wan from Jabba... and who is evil incarnate.
Empty
That's how I am feeling now. Empty, incomplete, alone.
I've been feeling like this ever since we left Tatooine.
Ever since I left Tatooine.
I still have trouble thinking that I am alone, that I cannot
rely on him, on my Padawan, to cover my back, to tell me when
I'm being too impulsive even when it's not really his place. To
fight at my side, to tell me not to go against the Code. I
still turn around, believing that he will be behind me, as the
perfect stoic image of the Jedi Knight he would become one
day... or maybe, as the playful, irreverent student that he
always was.
But I only see the empty space at my side, and my mind
painfully reminds me that Obi Wan Kenobi is no longer with me.
Somehow, I managed to keep my emotions closed and controlled
until now, when the fight has ended and I do not need to focus
on the mission any longer. Now my mind is free to wander back
to the sand barren planet where I foolishly let my impulses
blind me.
Outside the quarters that Queen Amidala has kindly provided me
with, everyone is getting ready for the ceremonies that will
mark the beginning of a lasting peace between the Gungan and
the Naboo. I know that I am supposed to be there, but I cannot.
Instead, I try to meditate. But I can only think of the past.
My mind will take me back to Tatooine, whether I want it or
not.
"You've come to enjoy the race, Padawan?" I was pleasantly
surprised by Obi Wan's presence in the Pod Race. It wasn't
usual for us to spend much time separated, as we had been
forced to do during our time in Tatooine, so I barely asked him
for his motives. I was just glad to see him.
"I grew weary of the ship and the dunes around us, master." He
answered, smiling to me. " And I wanted to see your 'Chosen
One' with my own eyes."
I raised my hand, tugging his Padawan braid as I spoke, my way
of letting him know that I was not upset at him without words
or our bond..
"You need to learn about Patience, Obi Wan."
//This from the one who just bet a little boy's future in a
game of chance?// The silent question made me frown, but I
quickly regained a smile.
//You have to trust in me, Obi Wan.// I warned him, then turned
to where Anakin and his friends were readying the Pod. //Young
Ani is special. He must be trained.//
He nodded instead of giving me a verbal answer, his way of
telling me that even if he didn't agree with me, he would stand
at my side.
We were silent for a long time, but I was so embedded in my
plans, that when he retired, when he shielded his thoughts from
our bond with an unusual determination, I did not noticed. I
just dismissed it as a new need for privacy.
I was so blind.
"He is too old. He will never pass the Council's test." Finally
it was Obi Wan who broke our silence, and I turned to face him
again, as we walked to the pits.
"He will. The force is strong in him." I started to search with
my eyes for Anakin among the racers and their teams, but Obi
Wan's attention remained in Padme and Shmi who had a special
place for us to see the race.
"What about his mother? You cannot take a child this old to the
Academy and hope he will not miss his family!"
"Patience, young Padawan." I had thought of that, and it was
the reason why I had tried to bet both Skywalkers with Watto.
"Everything will be solved after the race."
He smiled at me then, a true sincere smile. "Perhaps we will
have to stay in this planet longer than we thought."
I couldn't stop myself from laughing, and then he excused
himself, since he wanted to be in the Pits during the race,
instead of using the tower to watch it.... Then it was all
over, Ani won and we had the parts we needed.
Never once I turned back, or thought about Obi Wan's powerful
and unusual mind shield.
The Sith lord attacked me when I was taking Anakin to the
Nubian ship, his rage and hate almost overwhelming. But even as
I yelled to Anakin that he had to board the ship, to tell them
to take off without me, I trusted Obi Wan's final judgement. I
knew that my Padawan would save the Queen, fulfill our mission
and still be there to back me up.
Probably with his 'I told you so, master' grin.
And it was that image, Obi Wan's smile, the one that gave me
strength to jump to the ship and leave a very pissed Sith
behind.
I roll into the floor of the ship's vault, breathing a little
hard, but still full with that surge of strength that Obi Wan's
image gave me.
Proud of myself.
Everything was going according to my plans.
But it was not Obi Wan the one who greeted me then, it was not
my Padawan who rushed at my side, half worried, half exited. It
was young Anakin.
I smiled to the boy, reassuring him that I was fine, then lift
my eyes when I heard someone else's footsteps, ready to meet my
padawan's laughing eyes...
Meeting Shmi's sad ones instead.
My heart sank then, and I frantically reached for Obi Wan
through our mind bond, only to find it blocked, closed with
strength than before. Then I knew.
Obi Wan was not in the ship.
We were leaving him behind in Tatooine.
Shmi explained me all what she knew, the deal Obi Wan had made
with Watto... and I ... I blocked myself to it. I remained
emotionless when I gave my report to the Council, when I
presented Anakin to them, when I was ordered to return to
Naboo.
I never looked back, not until I faced the Sith Lord again.
He was waiting for me, probably getting ready for his revenge
after Tatooine. Our fight took us away from the hangar, away
from the real fight for Naboo's freedom, leaving only us, the
Sith and the Jedi, in our own private quarrel.
I was rapidly tiring, trying to block his blows and still land
a good hit on his body. He had the advantage of youth, but I
had experience on my side. Still, it didn't seem enough as all
my strikes felt incomplete... I felt that I was not fully in
our fight.
He had a double edge saber, and it painfully reminded me that
the other half of me was not there.
I tried successfully to ignore that feeling, until he looked
right into my eyes.
His face, a red and black mask of hate, changed before me, and
for a second, I was not facing a nameless dark creature.
It was Obi Wan.
Thankfully, the terrible vision only lasted an instant, but it
was more than enough to make me loose my balance and almost
fall to my end in a melting pit.
Then, the Sith Lord was again looking at me, mocking my
weakness. "You are dead, old man." He growled, as his red
lightsaber passed almost slicing my skin "And all Jedi will
follow you. Starting with the one who is waiting in Tatooine."
Hearing his voice, his treat, the rage blazed in my veins. The
image of this vile creature harming Obi Wan refused to leave my
mind. But I managed to keep myself in control as the fight went
on.
"Although it would be a shame... He would be a very powerful
Sith..." This time, his face was twisted in an evil grin.
That made the flimsy control I had in my emotions disappear.
Instead of seeing Obi Wan dead at the hands of the dark lord, I
saw him standing at his side, a black cloak covering his
shoulders, looking at me with endless hate. I roared and
attacked with renewed strength, no longer caring about getting
information about him, just wanting to kill him, to destroy
him, to make sure that his evil would never taint Obi Wan's
life.
My lightsabre pierced his stomach, pinning him like a strange
insect in a children's collection... and I watched as he fell
in the pit with a smile in my face.
Only then I realized what I had done.
I let my caged feelings of the last few days free.
All my confidence disappeared. I had no will to keep on living,
to fight... I couldn't even find in me the strength to defend
Anakin's right to be trained.
And in doing so, I failed Obi Wan one last time.
The Council was adamant in their decision. Obi Wan would be
left to the Will of the Force, even if he was not going to be
shunned by the Academy. If he regained his freedom, he could
finish his training and take the trials, if that was his wish.
I was encouraged to find a new Padawan, or to continue my work
alone. I choose the last option.
I will never take another Padawan under my care.
I will not betray Obi Wan ever again.
A knock on my door pulls me out of my meditation and I go to
open it, expecting to see Queen Amidala, or maybe young Anakin,
trying to make me change my mind. What I did not expect was to
meet Shmi Skywalker's piercing eyes, full of sadness.
"You must eat, Master Qui Gon. " she tells me, her face stern.
"It won't be good for anyone if you keep punishing yourself. "
"My welfare should not be your concern, Shmi." I tell her,
slightly annoyed that she is here. I know it is not her fault
that Obi Wan stayed behind, but even so in my mind it hurts.
"But it is, Jedi." She continues, not paying much attention to
my words. "Everyone is worried for you. Even Jar Jar has noted
your mood change."
"I will be fine." I lie, I know I won't be fine ever again, but
if I admit it out loud, then the pain might grow.
"Only if you stop hiding your head in the sand!!" She snaps
back, so suddenly that I back off, letting her inside the room.
"I have little time of knowing you, Qui Gon Jinn, but I know
you were not the kind of man who accepts defeat easily... who
would not let down his young apprentice..."
I blink, suddenly upset. "If you're here to try to convince me
to train Anakin, you're loosing your time."
She held my eyes for a long time, not backing down. I admired
her. It is no wonder that her son has such a high midiclorian
count. In her own way, she also has the Force with her. "I
wasn't talking about Anakin... but about Obi Wan, your
Padawan."
I couldn't answer her. Her words were a mirror of my own fears
and feelings.
"The Council... decided..."
"What do the Council has to do with this?!" Shmi looks at me
sternly, making me wince. She is right, I never heeded the
Council before, why now I'm doing it?. "I cannot understand
you... If he is so important for you, why are you so ready to
give up all hopes of seeing him again?"
"I did everything that I could for my apprentice... There was
nothing more to be done."
"If you cannot do more for your apprentice, what about doing
something for the one you love?" Then she is gone, leaving me
to stare at the empty hallway.
'For the one you love...'
The One I Love...
Have I been so blind to my own emotions?
I close the door to continue my meditation, and this time my
thoughts start flowing in another direction. I see Obi Wan
fighting at my side, walking with me, half asleep as we wait to
arrive to the next half forgotten planet we've been sent to...
I see him passing his trails to Knighthood and choosing to stay
at my side...
First, I'm ashamed of my selfishness. How could I have expected
him to stay always at my side?
Then I realize that it is true. I was expecting him to stay
with me forever. And what is worse, I hadn't let myself admit
it.
I love him so much that I hadn't even considered not being with
him, not having him at my side.
In the moment I admit it to myself, I sought our bond, the one
that had formed since we meet and had grown stronger as the
emotions behind it changed. I had to make him know....
But as soon as I could feel the bond, that part of my mind that
had been always occupied by Obi Wan, I could feel the strong
shields that my Padawan had built around his mind. I sent a
stronger call, wishing that he would acknowledge me.
And then the bond was cut.
Obi Wan had cut it, only letting his shields down for a brief
instant, before drifting away from me.
And the words I heard in that second, made my heart froze.
//Do not worry about me, Master... I... I must no longer be
your concern...//
Obi Wan's interlude.
My new owner came to meet me, after I spend two days without
eating. I was not consciously reveling, I have no wish to
die... but I couldn't bring the food to my mouth or to my
stomach.
The droids usually left me alone.
But then, their owner... my owner... came to see me.
I have not seen his face, he was wearing a green armor, an
opaque helmet. He was holding a rifle in his hands, and even
through the darkness of my cell, the darkness that covered his
features, I knew he was smiling. His eyes were piercing me,
mocking me.
"I don't want troubles with my merchandize." He said, his voice
cold. "If you won't eat, I'll put you on carbon freeze." I
blinked, wondering if that would be so bad."...It will be
interesting to know if a Jedi can survive the process." I know
he is making a threat... However, maybe I would like that...
Die and end my pain... My loneliness. But then he tugged my
braid, forcefully pulling it to force me to meet his face. My
face, mirrored in the blackness of his helmet. "But you are not
good for me dead, someone is paying a lot for live Jedi... and
I never expected to have the luck to find you so
easily."
"Wh... what?" My voice sounds raspy... I haven't had much need
for it, surrounded by droids.
"Obi Wan Kenobi, you will be a good bait for getting Qui Gon
Jinn on chains." My owner said, and I could almost see the
cruel smile playing in his lips. Feel his hate towards me and
my Master...
//Obi Wan...//
The familiar presence, testing my shields, startled me. Whoever
my owner was, he knew of Master/Apprentice bonds... and he had
just bought me to get Qui Gon. I couldn't let that happen.
I couldn't let my Master reach me... I couldn't become a
willing bait. And so, even when it broke my heart to do so, I
used all my will to cut our bond, to make sure that there would
be no way that Qui Gon would know where I was...
I only sent one last message, before forcing me to live in
silence. //Do not worry about me, Master... I... I must no
longer be your concern...//
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