Hearts and Minds

by Amberlee ( amberleewriter@yahoo.com )

Archive: MA and my homepage/lj only please

Category: POV, implied chan

Pairing: Qui/Obi

Rating: PG

Warnings: no sex, it's all implied and in their heads

Spoilers: Reference made to info in early Watson Jedi Apprentice books. I can't imagine it would really be a spoiler but better safe than sorry.

Summary: Getting involved with your partner isn't that simple. In fact, sometimes it's the hardest kind of relationship.

Feedback: Sure.

Disclaimer: I'm not Lucas. I'm not Watson. I'm a nobody making zilch for money off my writing. Pity me. Notes: Started as an attempt at the Contre la Montre /deus ex machina/ challenge. Took all 70 minutes but didn't manage a trite sew up in time so I decided not to post it there. Raw writing was posted to my LJ and Clara Swift though it should find its way here. Laura McEwan gets credit for the kind beta. Result? You are now subjected to my writing.

In two standard days I will have been his Padawan for three years. I know his habits and mannerisms, but do not truly understand him. We have entered that stage of unknowing that I suppose all couples of any sort surely must – confusion in the heart that springs from lack of time and conversation.

He sits with his legs stretched out under the table, dark brown leather boots and leggings blending with the light brown wood and transparent glass. He is uncomfortable and unsure, his eyes searching. His closed body position and subtle fingering of his lightsaber betray his unsettled mind as he sits here. I've come to know his changes of mood through signs like these and from the shift in the color of his eyes – now a dark and moody gray-blue. My Master is alert and watchful for danger.

The mission went wrong from the start and we've been arguing for several days now – mostly because I feel insecure. Everything is out of place. I feel incomplete without him and yet, I have felt lonelier in his presence than I have ever felt in my life. He is somehow different than before, and yet not, and I have trouble finding the words to explain this to him. I need reassurances that he does not give.

My Master seems content to simply wait for me to understand his nature while I confront him constantly with my incessant needs. I often feel I am an intrusion; an unwanted thing he must endure instead of a person that shares his life. There are moments at the temple filled with the mundane – the simple business of living that must be attended to – and he as assigned me those chores like a servant. Cleaning, washing, and cooking are my lot when I am not occupied by my lessons. I feel a never-ending weight of responsibility now; responsibility for his needs. It is a feeling I have never known before. It is not a hardship, but it is cumbersome and new, an adjustment I have had to make.

So we sit here in this cantina, not speaking. He stares at passing customers, his thumb lightly brushing the hilt of his 'saber, while I stare at him. I feel lost and wonder when I will stop feeling this new and overwhelming need to touch him. To hold him. To cling to him and never let go.

I don't know if this is going to work and that is the hardest part. I love him, but he seems to need me to be distant and direct in a way I cannot – to shift from lover to Padawan as though I have some internal switch to change my function. I don't want to feel lost and afraid and confused. I don't want to be a bother and confront him constantly with my emotions and demands. The old insecurities and feelings of inadequacy from long ago have returned in different form. I am afraid of losing him now. I wonder if I am worthy of someone so beautiful and fine and it threatens, sometimes, to overwhelm me.

Somehow I have to come to terms with the fact that I love someone that may never make me feel secure. Qui-Gon seems satisfied and doesn't understand why I am not. I don't know how to make him understand. Perhaps I should simply stop trying. I should make the most of the time we have and stop worrying about the future. "Live in the present moment," is what he always says.

I could reach out and touch him right now but he is farther from me than he has ever been. Farther than when I stayed on Melida/Daan. Somehow, I have to find a way to close this distance between us and make things right. I love him. Perhaps that can be enough.

In two standard days, he will have been my Padawan for three years. I know his habits and mannerisms but do not truly understand him. We have entered a new stage in our relationship – one that all couples of any sort do – the stage at which needs and wants become unbalanced. That stage when a couple must have "the talk."

He sits with his arms folded into his robe sleeves – a hint of cream showing from beneath the dark brown cloth. He is uncomfortable and unsure, studying me instead of the room as he should. His closed body position and the way he worries on his lower lip betray his unsettled mind as he sits here. I've come to know his changes of mood through signs like these and the shift in the color of his eyes – sullen blue-gray now. He is pensive and distracted.

This mission went wrong from the start and we've been arguing about it for several days – mostly because he's insecure. Our safehouse was compromised. The informant didn't show. We are on the run. We should be able to work fluidly and depend on one another but this new element in our relationship prevents it.

I've been lonelier in these last few days in his presence than I have been in years. He is different somehow now, and yet not. He constantly fumbles for things to say to me instead of using our bond. He shuts me out and I don't know how to reassure him.

This boy, my Padawan, is so impatient. He does not seem to understand that true union can only come with time and constantly tries to force things into some youthful idealized perception of love. It is tiring and sometimes makes me short tempered. I feel badly at those moments and know that it makes him feel unwanted. I have tried to find ways to show him how much I need his presence in my life – reciprocating chores and handing him more and more responsibilities for our living quarters – but it does not seem to help. I feel a never-ending weight of responsibility now; responsibility for his needs. It is a feeling I know well. It is not a hardship – I have had Padawans before – but this addition of the physical is cumbersome and new, an adjustment I have had to make.

So we sit here in this cantina, not speaking. I stare at the passing customers trying to find the man we have come to meet – the smuggler that can get us off this planet so we can report our failure to the Council. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I will stop taking failure personally, when I can walk away from a mission and think of something other than what went wrong.

I don't know if this going to work. That is the most difficult thing. I do love Obi-Wan but not in the way he seems to require. He doesn't seem to understand that my world does not, cannot, revolve around my feelings for him – that it revolves around my duty to the Order. I can't spend all my time touching him and telling him I love him. I know that my problem stems from old insecurities. Xanatos and Melida/Daan will always be between us. I'm afraid of losing Obi-Wan to the Dark Side and sometimes that fear threatens to overwhelm me.

But Obi-Wan is not Xanatos. Somehow I have to let go and come to terms with my failures. I have to allow myself to trust. I can't find the words to express all this and I don't know how to make Obi- Wan understand that it has nothing to do with him. Perhaps I should simply stop trying. I should make the most of the time we have and stop worrying about the past.

I could reach out and touch him now and yet he is farther from me than he has ever been. Farther than when he stayed on Melida/Daan. Somehow, I have to find a way to close this distance between us and make things right. If I can't, I may have to give him up as my Padawan and I don't know if either of us could survive it.