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Rated: PG

Series: Knight Moves

Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon go on their first mission together as a reunited team; unfortunately, there are some aspects of the mission that Obi neglects to mention.

Category: AU, Humor, slight Angst, POV: OW and QG alternately

Archive: M_A, All Maul, my site: http://eyrea51.com/knightlife/kmindex.html

Disclaimers: The characters and concepts are copyrighted by Lucasfilm; I'm just having a little non-profit fun.

Feedback: Is always welcome! jedi_knight_writer@yahoo.com

Notes:

* * * represents a change in POV.

This is the first story I've written in my series that focuses exclusively on Qui and Obi, so I thought I'd post it here. The pairing in the series is O/Maul, but Maul's part in this one is minimal; it's mainly about Qui and Obi's relationship and the nature of love.

I think this can pretty much stand alone; the only details someone who hasn't read the Knight Moves series really needs to know is that this is a post-TPM AU with Redeemed!Maul and Alive!Qui because, as we all know, It didn't happen. *g* Qui faked his death in order to devote himself to tracking down the Sith and returned to Coruscant two years later much to the surprise of his former Padawan. Qui, Obi and Maul have encountered Sidious again (on Naboo), and it was during that mission that Qui formed a light bond with Maul in order to save his life after he was tortured by Sidious. Now Qui and Obi are a team again, and this is the tale of their first time back on the job together.

Blame it on the imp of mischief that's always lived inside me, blame it on the fact that my last little attempt at getting one-up on my oh-so- controlled former Master had gone horribly awry, blame it on the fact that, Sith take it, I just can't resist this kind of opportunity when it falls in my path. Blame it on whatever you like, but the fact remains that I knew what we were walking into, and I didn't say a word.

The Council even tried to warn him, but he didn't listen.

"Master Jinn..." Master Windu had hesitated after Qui-Gon had made his formal request for us to be an active-duty team. "The Council has no objection to you and Knight Kenobi being paired, but the mission we were going to assign to Knight Kenobi..."

He glanced at the rest of the Council, who seemed to have a collective "explain it yourself" attitude; they were all but studying their nails or staring out the window to avoid getting dragged into the conversation. Not even Master Yoda was helping. Especially not Yoda! When I sneaked a sidelong glance at the venerable Master, I swear I saw amusement glittering in those ancient green eyes.

"We really think Knight Maul would be a better choice, if only for this mission," Master Windu tried to explain. "After this, you can--"

"Mace, I don't understand," Qui-Gon interrupted gently. "What's so different about this mission that it matters who accompanies Obi-Wan?"

"Well, there are certain... aspects to the Andrigin culture that make Knight Maul a better choice..."

"Oh, come now, Mace." My Master smiled, but there was a hint of steel behind it. He wanted us to be a team, and he wanted it now. He didn't want to wait for one more mission to come and go, and deep down, I agreed. There'd been too much lost time as it was. This was my--our-- destiny, and I was as ready to begin it as he was. "You know my record. I can deal with any cultural diversity. With no offense to Maul," he added with a conciliatory nod to my bonded mate, who was standing behind us and off to one side, "I've got far more field experience and diplomatic skills he hasn't learned yet. I've no doubt I can handle this."

"But--"

"With respect, Masters." Maul stepped forward then, for the first time since our audience with the Council began. He wasn't really needed there, but neither Qui-Gon nor I had considered excluding him, considering this decision affected his future as much as ours. "I am not inclined to accept any off-planet missions at this time. I would respectfully refuse to accompany Knight Kenobi anyway. Thus there is no reason why Master Jinn should not take my place."

Master Yoda was making a low, strangled sound, and when I glanced at him, I was pretty sure he was laughing even as Master Windu shrugged and agreed to assign the mission to Qui-Gon and me. At the time, I didn't know why he was laughing, but when we returned to our quarters, I made it my business to find out.

And oh! what I found out!

I'd waited until both Qui-Gon and Maul had gone to bed to do my research, and it was a good thing I did because when I read what we'd be walking into, it was my turn to laugh aloud.

Oh, my poor Master.

This was going to be a mission to remember.

But as much as I was looking forward to it, there was one aspect of it that I wasn't too happy with when the time came for us to go: leaving Maul behind.

"You're sure you're okay with this?" I rested my palm against Maul's cheek, peering into his eyes, searching for answers.

I knew what his lips had said, but I wanted the truth of his heart. I needed to know he wasn't hurt that I was going to be Qui-Gon's mission partner, especially since it meant we'd be spending a great deal of time apart--starting now. Our transport was scheduled to leave in fifteen minutes; Qui-Gon had already left, giving himself time to say good-bye to Maede before we departed and giving me and Maul a little privacy as well.

"Yes, Obi." He leaned forward and gave me a lingering kiss, his lips warm and clinging against mine. "We have discussed this, have we not? I am in no condition to accept any missions. For now, my path lies elsewhere."

"Have you decided what you want to do yet?"

"No," he admitted reluctantly.

I stroked his cheek with my thumb soothingly; I know how frustrating he found this inactivity, but he was convinced that the Force would show him the path he was meant to follow. It was the being patient and waiting part that he found difficult. He wanted to be doing something, to be active and contributing to the Order, and he wanted it now. In that, he's much like Qui-Gon.

"You'll figure it out," I reassured him softly.

"I will have plenty of time to meditate and search while you are gone."

Unexpectedly, he pushed me back against the wall, pinning me, and kissed me again, a deep, possessive kiss that stole my breath. Unable to keep from moaning, I savored every moment of it, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him tight against me. It would be days before I got to taste him again, to feel his strong, solid body in my arms again, and I wanted to drown myself in this moment, to make memories that would sustain me during our nights apart.

"I will miss you. But this is right for both you and Qui-Gon. I begrudge neither of you. We are bonded," he whispered against my lips. "I love you. Nothing will change that. Not time, not distance. Nothing."

/Not even death,/ I thought, but I didn't say it aloud. It was only since our idyll on Tayrrn that I'd come to realize how deep my feelings for Maul ran. Oh, I knew we shared a bond that had deepened into a lifebond, but knowing something and feeling it for truth are two different things. I was only justbeginning to understand the depths of our bond and on how many levels it connected us. As usual, though, it seems he understood--and accepted--this before I had. I'd always been the slow one in this relationship as far as knowing what I want from it. Maul had always known what he wanted: me. And that still surprised me. I still didn't know what I'd ever done to deserve his devotion.

But that was a discussion for another time. Right then, all I wanted was to enjoy the feel of his cheek nuzzling against mine as he held me. But time was against us. Reluctantly, I pulled away and picked up my bag, pausing just once more to steal another quick kiss.

"I love you too," I told him softly. "I'll be in touch." I couldn't help grinning then. "I think I'll have a lot to tell you about this mission."

He gave me a puzzled look at that, but I didn't take the time to explain; he probably would have warned me not to cause trouble for Qui- Gon, and I would've ignored him anyway.

And then I was out the door and headed for the transport, about to embark on what I felt sure was going to be one of the more memorable missions of my career.

The trip itself was unremarkable, and the greeting we got upon arrival boded well.

"Welcome!" A booming voice greeted us with hearty good cheer as soon as we stepped off the transport, and I relaxed, sensing that this was a good sign that the mission would go smoothly.

Qui-Gon and I were there to oversee the negotiation of a treaty. The two main rival political factions on Andrigin had at long last realized they would be better off working together to serve the planet rather than keep it divided through petty squabbling. That there was another, smaller faction that was starting to make its voice heard helped; the two main parties wanted to join forces against the third to make sure they stayed in power, so their motives weren't entirely altruistic, but I've learned that's the way of politics.

Both sides wanted the treaty, so there probably wasn't going to be trouble. The Andrigins had asked for Jedi presence at the negotiations to make certain that everything was settled fairly and evenly and to discourage the third political party from making things difficult. All in all, it appeared to be a fairly straight forward mission.

With one little hitch.

"Welcome," the hearty voice repeated, and as I exited the ship behind Qui-Gon, I could see a round little dumpling of a man waiting to meet us. He was beaming, appearing to be pleased to see us, and I could sense nothing in the Force to indicate that he was dissembling in any way. "I am Gerar Soto, Minister of Diplomatic Affairs. I'll be your liaison with the Ministry, if that pleases you? So nice to meet you, Master Jinn." He reached out and clasped Qui-Gon's hand, then he engulfed my fingers in his meaty grasp. "And your lovely mate. Knight Kenobi, isn't it? So nice to see a young person who appreciates his elders, eh?"

This was said with a sly wink at me and a nudge in my ribs, and somehow I managed to remain calm, smiling modestly at Minister Soto, then turning an adoring look up at Qui-Gon. To his credit, my Master's face was as impassive as ever, but there was a slight widening of his eyes that spoke volumes to me.

I turned on the deep-pools-of-devotion eyes as I wound my arm around Qui-Gon's and clung to him as tightly as any leech. "Oh, yes, Minister Soto," I replied with just the right amount of breathy affection. "I've always had a healthy appreciation for men in their prime."

Was that a small choking noise I heard from my Master? A glance up at him showed that his cheeks were looking a bit flushed.

I played the affectionate mate as we went through the preliminary diplomatic procedures, which basically amounted to Minister Soto briefing us on the situation as it stood, then showing us to the suite where we'd be staying. After being assured that all was to our liking, he left us alone in our quarters--and me at the mercy of my Master.

"Mate?"

Oh, yes, he was definitely caught off-guard by this little development if the first words out of his mouth had nothing to do with the mission itself.

I gave him my best wide-eyed innocent look. "You mean you didn't know?"

Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Know what?"

"Well..." I wandered into the bedroom--sure enough, only one bed--and busied myself with unpacking my bag, and Qui-Gon followed close behind me. "Master Windu did mention that there were certain cultural aspects to be considered about this mission..."

"Obi-Wan."

I knew that tone. It was his "get to the point now, Padawan, or else" tone. I ignored it.

"These aspects are why the Council thought it might be better for Maul to come with me."

I stopped talking, pretending to be absorbed in folding my tunics and putting them neatly away; the silence spun out. Clearly Qui-Gon had decided that he wasn't going to ask. He would wait however long it took for me to get around to explaining the pertinent information, but he. was. not. going. to. ask.

I let him wait.

"What cultural aspects?"

Turning my back to hide my smile, I finally explained. "The Andrigins believe that if you're going to have two people working together, it's better if they're mates. They think it helps keep the team members focused, it's more efficient, and healthier both mentally and emotionally for the team."

"So they assume because we're a team..."

"That we're mates, yes. They'd be insulted if they found out the Council had sent a pair of Jedi who weren't mates," I added casually. "It would be a slap in the face of one of their most hallowed traditions."

"Gods."

There was another long silence which I tried very hard to keep from filling with evil laughter.

"Well, so be it." Qui-Gon shrugged, appearing to accept the situation calmly--as usual. "But I'll need your guidance in this, Obi-Wan. I've never had a male lover, and I don't know what the expected behavior is."

I shot him a piercing look. "You've seen me and Maul together," I reminded him, and he smiled at me with indulgent amusement.

"Of course. But Maul is stand-offish around other people, including me to an extent. I can't assume that's the usual way two lovers interact with each other in public."

I had to concede that point. Maul was much more reserved than most people, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was a good thing. Since Qui-Gon had proclaimed his ignorance, then I could tell him just about anything was normal behavior between two male lovers, and he wouldn't be able to contradict me. After all, he'd already said he didn't know anything about it. Oh, this was going to be even more enjoyable than I thought.

But not just then. No, the next day would be soon enough to begin "teaching" Qui-Gon all about proper romantic behavior. I let the matter drop for the moment, and we finished settling into our quarters. The rest of the evening passed quietly, and we talked about the mission a little before moving on to other topics.

It was an enjoyable, relaxing evening that reminded me of my apprenticeship. I had always been so thrilled when he just talked to me about things; it made me feel like he thought I was smart and capable of having astute opinions. It made me feel like he cared what I thought and that he wanted to spend time with me and enjoyed being with me. That's what I wanted to read into it, anyway, but I didn't know if it was true or not. We're so different, and he hadn't really wanted to take me as his Padawan in the first place.

Oddly enough, I felt like Maul is better suited to be Qui-Gon's friend than I am. Looking at them interact, one would think that Maul was his former apprentice, not me. They seemed so... easy together. And they were so much alike. I could tell Qui-Gon liked him, and they shared a bond. It wasn't really a planned thing, but neither of them seemed to want to break it. But me, on the other hand... we were a mission team now, and Qui-Gon hadn't said a word about forming a bond with me even if only because it would benefit the missions. Maybe, I thought, thirteen years was enough and he didn't want me in his head again.

Sometimes when the three of us were together, I felt like an intruding third party, like I ought to find something else to do so they could talk and enjoy each other's company uninterrupted by a disparate element. Maybe if they weren't so much alike. Maybe if I weren't so different. Maybe I was fooling myself to think either of them could really love me. They both said they did, but... I really didn't understand why.

* * *

Despite the rather unexpected surprise, I believed this mission would go smoothly. While I wasn't entirely certain how to go about pretending to be Obi-Wan's lover--and I wasn't entirely sanguine about his offer to teach me what to do--I believed we could keep up the pretense long enough to satisfy the Andrigins.

I thought perhaps Obi-Wan might begin his "lessons" after we arrived; he was nothing if not mischievous, and I could tell my discomfiture amused him. I didn't quite understand his seeming need to see me off- balance; I thought we'd already established that I'm far from perfect and that he'd begun seeing me as simply a man like any other, but for whatever reason, he delighted in being able to see me at a disadvantage.

He didn't push that night, though. We had a quiet dinner and a pleasant conversation afterwards. As always, I enjoyed listening to his perspectives on the mission as well as the other topics we ventured into. So often his different perspective on things let me see them from angles I hadn't considered, and I had found his input to be invaluable over the years.

I remembered once we were trying to sort out some mess with a young princess who had been abducted the night before her wedding. I had contacted the kidnapper and attempted to negotiate her release, but he was adamant about keeping her. Finally Obi-Wan just looked at me and said, "Why don't you ask him what they want?"

Confused, I'd asked him what he meant by "they." He replied that he thought the princess wasn't entirely upset about having been kidnapped, pointing out that hers was an arranged marriage, and she had seen her prospective husband, who, I must admit, would have put me off the idea of matrimony as well had I been in her position.

And so I had asked, and the "kidnapper" revealed that he was the princess' lover and wanted to marry her himself. That didn't simplify matters much, but at least it allowed me to understand what exactly was going on.

The older and more experienced he became, the more I relied on him for insights such as that, trusting him to see things that I missed just as I saw things he missed. Together, we were very good at seeing the whole picture in nearly any situation, and I trusted we would be that way again once we settled into our new partnership.

But still he delighted in tormenting me when he could, and so I fully expected him to begin immediately. Instead, he surprised me by behaving himself perfectly. We agreed to share the bed--it would hardly be the first time--and he had claimed his side, stretched out with his back to me and fallen asleep with no teasing, just a quiet, "Good night, Master."

I thought perhaps that meant he would continue to resist the urge to tease.

I was wrong.

Our first official appearance as ambassadors was the following morning at breakfast with the Ministry. It was purely informal, a "meet and greet" occasion where everyone would size up everyone else for future reference, but the real business of the day would be conducted later.

I noticed that there were both same and mixed gender pairs around the table, and they were engaged in varying levels of intimate behavior, but all were openly affectionate. I even saw some couples feeding each other and nuzzling each other in ways that seemed a prelude to intimacy, and I silently thanked the Force that Obi-Wan was too reserved for that sort of display.

And then I heard him clear his throat softly, and when I turned to look at him, he was holding a plump berry between his thumb and forefinger, his eyes dancing with amusement as he held it out, clearly offering it to me.

"Obi-Wan..."

"Everyone else is doing it," he replied.

It was on the tip of my tongue to retort that not everyone else was doing it, but enough were that I felt uncomfortable refusing; the last thing I wanted to do was jeopardize our mission by revealing through my reluctance that we weren't mates as the Andrigins thought.

As if sensing my acquiescence, he placed the berry against my lips, and I resisted the urge to grumble as I allowed him to feed me.

"A little more enthusiasm, Master, if you please," he whispered, and I could hear the laughter in his voice. "You're being catered to by your lover, not being poisoned."

Chagrined, I attempted to seem more relaxed and receptive to Obi-Wan's ministrations--until he tried to settle my napkin in my lap with a little more... care and attention than was necessary. I slipped my arm around his shoulders and drew him closer as if to show him lover-like affection, but what I really whispered in his ear was hardly an endearment.

"Move that hand any higher, Padawan, and you will lose it."

His soft laughter brushed against my cheek, but he removed his hand, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the meal in relative peace, especially since he didn't attempt to feed me again.

I assumed his chances to tease me would be over once the diplomats gathered for the task at hand, namely negotiating the agreement between the two factions. What I hadn't counted on was the Andrinian love of comfort and pleasure. I discovered through careful questioning that most of the Ministery worked in mated pairs and that displays such as we witnessed at breakfast were common as the happiness of the workers no matter in what capacity was important. Pleasure on the job was a quite literal concept in this culture.

The conference room held a long, low table around which were scattered an abundance of large pillows. We were expected to make ourselves comfortable on the floor with the pillows--and our mates. I sat down cross-legged, assuming Obi-Wan would sit next to me, but of course the scoundrel had other ideas.

He draped himself on my lap, wiggling, and I immediately complied with his silent promptings before he could notice the involuntary effect his movements had caused. Stretching my legs out in front of me, I allowed him to settle between them. He leaned back against my chest, and, when I wrapped my arms around his waist, he sighed with apparent contentment and rested his head against my shoulder.

It reminded me of when he was was fourteen and had been struck with a fever. He had been restless and miserable, too wracked by his fluctuating body temperature--one minute burning up, the next minute shivering with cold--to rest comfortably, much less sleep. I made him a cup of medicinal tea and, gathering him in my arms as if he were no more than a child in the nursery, I held a cool, damp cloth on his burning forehead while he drank the tea. At his request, I'd told him a story, some amusing tale of a misadventure from my own apprenticeship; keeping my voice soft and soothing, I'd placed a little Force- suggestion behind the words, and it wasn't long before he drifted off, but I held him for quite some time before finally tucking him in his bed.

Allowing my affection for this bright soul to guide me, I leaned my cheek against the top of his head and cradled him against me as I'd done so long ago when he was ill. He was a grown man now, a full Knight, one who had faced many serious challenges in his young life, but still the light of that mischievous, impulsive boy he had once been shone in the depths of his eyes, and I never wanted to see it grow dim.

And then I felt him caressing my thigh right there in full view of everyone in the room.

Had I thought I never wanted that mischievous impulsiveness to grow dim? Perhaps I had been hasty in that assessment.

I didn't need to be bonded with him to know he was smirking, which both amused and annoyed me. When would the pup learn that age and subtle cunning would always triumph over youth and blatant deviousness?

Determined to turn the tables on him now as I had the last time, I slid one hand slowly up to his shoulder and began massaging, making sure to stroke the back of his neck with my thumb as I did. I could feel him react with a startled jerk, obviously surprised at my counter-move, but he relaxed again soon enough.

Part of my mind was listening to the Ministers debate a portion of the treaty; they were being civil enough that I felt no need to step in and mediate. The Force pulsed gently within the room, no bursts of anger marring its peaceful flow and ebb, so I allowed the rest of my concentration to remain on Obi-Wan, alert and waiting for his next move, certain it wouldn't be long in coming--and I was right.

Capturing my hand that wasn't kneading his shoulder, he brought it to his lips and kissed it lightly. A pause. Then he began tracing tight little patterns on my palm with his tongue.

Gods! The insolent child! When had he become so competitive with me? Or I with him, for that matter? Why did he seem to need to best me at something--anything?

My pride had often gotten in my way. It was pride that kept me from allowing Obi-Wan to get close again after my return to Coruscant; it was pride that kept me from admitting I'd acted too hastily in claiming Anakin as my Padawan learner; it was pride that had sent me barreling headlong into countless situations that could have been avoided had I stopped for a moment to think objectively about them.

This situation was no different, but... it taught me much about my own failings as a Master, as a teacher and as a man.

Rather than concede defeat, I chose to up the stakes even more. Foolishly, I allowed my pride to dictate my behavior, and instead of backing down and admitting Obi-Wan had the upper hand in this situation, I had to push.

I had no idea what another man might like, but I knew what Maede liked. Surely, I thought, the differences couldn't be so great, and so I did something that never failed to make my lover shiver with need: I bent my head and nuzzled Obi-Wan's neck with my beard.

The effect was... not quite what I expected.

The next thing I knew, Obi-Wan had turned in my arms and had managed to get in a few nips to my earlobe before I jerked my head away, making sure that area was well out of reach. My ears are... particularly sensitive, and despite it was Obi-Wan and not Maede who was nibbling, it was impossible for me not to react to the stimulation. Jedi Masters may very well be able to exercise greater control, but we aren't impervious or perfect in that control. I had to concede silent defeat and held him tightly so that he couldn't move and cause more mischief during the rest of the meeting.

Unfortunately, Obi-Wan was close enough to me that he could feel my body's reaction to his teasing, and he looked up at me with a wide, pleased smile spreading across his face. At first, I thought he was mocking me, flaunting that he had been able to get a rise out of me (so to speak) that I hadn't managed to produce in him. But there was no trace of arrogance or ridicule in his expression. Rather, he appeared delighted, as if my involuntary response had just made him immensely happy.

Before I could question this unexpected reaction, he had wound his arms tightly around me and began kissing anywhere he could reach on my neck and face with enthusiastic abandon. I grabbed his shoulders and forced him away from me as much as I could without drawing attention to us. Fortunately, it seemed the Andrigins were inured to anything short of actual coupling in public, and no one so much as glanced at us.

"What do you think you're doing?" I hissed. "This is hardly the time or the place for such childish games! We have a mission, or had you forgotten?"

"This isn't a game!" he retorted, barely keeping his voice low.

"Then you must have forgotten Maul," I reminded him sharply. "And Maede as well. Would you wish them to know of such disrespect?" I added. He opened his mouth as if to protest, but I cut him off. "We'll discuss this later--in private."

With that, he fell silent and turned around him my arms again, not moving away from me, but radiating a coolness that hadn't been there before. I felt the chill keenly, but I didn't understand why he'd experienced such extreme reactions in the first place.

* * *

"What was that all about?"

Those were the first words out of Qui-Gon's mouth when the meetings ended for the day and we returned to our quarters. For a moment, I felt like a Padawan again, being called to account for some error, but then I shook that feeling off, reminded myself that I'm a grown man. A Knight. I'm not accountable to Qui-Gon anymore.

Lifting my chin, I simply looked at him, then deliberately turned my back and walked away, headed for the wide balcony. I needed fresh air to clear my head and perhaps to help soothe my heart.

I was not going to discuss this with him. I was not going to be put in the position of having to defend myself. And I most certainly was not going to admit how much he'd hurt me again.

I was seething with resentment, and I was calling myself all kinds of a fool for having opened myself up to be rejected again. I reminded myself that I should have known better, that he didn't want me, he'd never wanted me, and I should have stopped hoping for some sign of affection from him a long time ago.

Oh, yes, I was stewing in my own anger and regret quite well. I thought about other Masters and Padawans and how they seemed to care for one another. I had spent my apprenticeship longing for my Master to be open and affectionate with me, to show me that he cared the way I saw other Masters show their feelings to their apprentices. Those Masters praised their students, told them they were loved. I wanted that so badly, but no, I was apprenticed to the great Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master Supreme. Not for him were mere human emotions. No, he was JEDI. Life revolved around training, meditation, and missions. He guided and goaded me towards perfection, and I strove to attain it--for him. In hopes that I would at last earn a kind word or touch.

I didn't get it then, I thought bitterly, so why should I expect it now? I'd made a mistake. I thought that his reaction to me meant that he was finally reacting to me. That he felt something for me. That he cared about me.

Wrong again, Obi.

Once more, it was all about the damned mission, nothing to do with me at all. He made that perfectly clear.

* * *

Tucking my hands inside my sleeves, I walked slowly towards my former Padawan, hoping he would turn around and face me. But it wasn't until I placed my hand on his shoulder that he even acknowledged my presence, and when he did glance over his shoulder at me, from the closed expression on his face, I couldn't discount the possibility that he had been ignoring me in hopes that I would take the hint and not approach at all.

"Obi-Wan..."

"Yes, Master?" His voice was calm and neutral; he could have been greeting a complete stranger.

"Come sit with me. We need to discuss this." I paused, then added, "Please."

There was a long moment of silence, and then at last he gave a curt nod and strode back inside, moving to the couch and sitting with a stiff, straight posture that would have put Maul to shame.

"I want to understand, Obi-Wan," I told him softly. "It seems that what happened today means something different to you. I thought it was a game. I thought you were simply trying to get the best of me again."

"As you say, Master. I was simply being foolish again."

I grimaced, wanting to do something--anything--to break through the wall of ice I could feel forming between us; he was using his usual form of address not as a term of affection but as a means of keeping distance between us. I wasn't supposed to hear this formal,. distant tone being directed at me. I was his Master, what I feel for him is the closest I will ever come to knowing what it is to have a son, yet he was shutting me out like a mere stranger, and it hurt... oh, how it hurt...

"There's more to it than that," I replied, careful to keep from making my words sound like an accusation. The last thing I needed to do was antagonize him further. "Can you not trust me enough to tell me what it is? What has upset you?"

* * *

I didn't want to respond, but there was such a weary tone in Qui-Gon's voice that I found myself looking at him at last only to see him rubbing the bridge of his nose and looking... well, the only word I could think of was "confused," but that didn't fit with my image of him at all. Qui-Gon was never confused about anything, and even if he were, I never expected him to show it.

"Obi-Wan, please. I'm trying to understand."

He sounded so kind, as if he really did want to know what I thought and felt, and it was the first time I could remember him asking me about something like this without being impatient. It was then I thought that just maybe I ought to tell him the truth.

* * *

For a long moment, Obi-Wan just looked at me, and I could see a war of emotion being waged in his eyes. Finally, he spoke in a very quiet, matter-of-fact voice.

"You reacted to me."

I was about to launch into a lecture. I was about to remind him of the basic anatomy classes he had taken and point out that of course I responded to him, that he knew as well as I did that certain parts of the body will respond to direct stimulus even if the mind behind them isn't interested.

And then I stopped and thought about what he said. I knew there had once been a time that he desired me, but I also knew that time was over. He was bonded with Maul, and he loved and desired his mate more than he had ever imagined he loved and desired me. As he had admitted, he had confused one kind of love with another.

Perhaps now he was confusing one kind of physical intimacy for another.

On impulse, I reached out and smoothed my hand over his hair, letting the silken strands weave around my fingers, and his response was immediate and instinctive: he practically arched into my touch like a cat. If he could have purred, he would have done.

Gods, the boy was touch-starved--for my touch. Certainly not starved for touch in general because he had Maul. No, this was specific to me, but why--?

With sudden, painful clarity, the pieces fell into place.

He was starved for my touch, for my attention, my affection, my love because I'd hidden it from him. I had focused my life and his training on the idea of being Jedi--serving the Order, always focused on the task at hand--and I had rarely showed, much less told him how proud I was of his accomplishments. Instead of offering praise and affection, I had kept what he needed and wanted most from him. Gods, the last thing I'd ever wanted to do was hurt this young man, the son of my heart, but that's exactly what I had done. In trying to protect myself, in trying to atone for my mistakes with Xanatos, I'd hurt the one soul I would give my life to protect.

May the gods and Obi-Wan forgive me...

* * *

Suddenly, Qui-Gon cupped my face in both his hands and made me look at him.

"Tell me how this happened," he said quietly. "What do you feel?"

I understood he wasn't talking about what happened during the meetings. Somehow, he knew this was bigger than that. For a moment, I hesitated. To tell him the truth would hurt him, but... he had asked. And deep down, I wanted him to know. Maybe it wouldn't change anything, and maybe I would regret giving him a window into my soul, but then again... maybe not.

"I was never sure you really wanted me," I admitted in a low voice. "Not sexually," I added as a clarifying after-thought. "I mean, as your Padawan." Qui-Gon groaned softly, but I kept on speaking, the words flowing easier. "You didn't choose me, we were sort of thrown together, and you eventually accepted that, but I always wondered if it were up to you if you would have chosen me. So I tried to be the best. I wanted to please you and make you proud, because I thought if I did, then you'd show me somehow, and I'd feel like we had a bond... a commitment like the other Masters and Padawans. I'd know you really cared about me and you wouldn't leave me, but..." I shrugged a little. "You did leave me. Twice. First for Anakin, then for that covert mission."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes, an expression reminiscent of pain flickering over his face, and then he leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine.

"I'm sorry."

The words were quietly spoken, but they slammed into me with the force of a stampeding Bantha.

"I never meant to hurt you, Obi-Wan, but I have through my own foolishness and pride. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes I made with Xanatos, and you have paid the price for that."

I sat, frozen with shock as he leaned back and seemed to search my face. If he expected me to speak, I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know how much to believe what he was saying. Was he telling me this because he was really sorry or because he simply wanted to say whatever he thought I needed to hear to make me feel better?

* * *

Too much damage over too long a time. I could look in his eyes and tell he doubted me. Mere words wouldn't be enough to heal this wound. It ran too deep, and he needed to feel the truth of the words, not just the words themselves. Gods... in my own way, I had been as bad as Sidious, starving my Padawan of love just as Maul had been deprived. The irony was that I saw Maul's emotional wounds and helped heal them, but I'd remained oblivious to my own apprentice's pain for years. At least Sidious had a decent excuse--that was the Sith way of life--but I knew better, and I still allowed my own fears and my own pride to rule me.

Fortunately, I knew how to solve this problem, and it would give us what we both wanted anyway.

"Obi-Wan..." I stroked his cheek with my thumb, hoping he would accept what I was about to offer. "Open your mind to me. Let me establish a bond."

The look of amazement and disbelief he gave me made my heart constrict.

"You want that?" he asked, his voice barely audible.

"Yes." I nodded, lowering my shields and reaching out to him through the Force. "Very much."

Slowly, almost tentatively, he lowered his shields as well, and I could feel him stretching to meet me half-way, reaching out with the severed remains of our former teaching bond; he had never let his end of it go. Neither had I. I couldn't bear to; for so long, it had been my last link to him, and while I had sundered the bond itself as the Council demanded, I had never let it go completely. As soon as he was within reach, I grabbed him and held on tight, and the tendrils of Self we offered each other blended smoothly, easily, as if we had never been apart.

//I have missed you,// I told him silently.

I wrapped him up in my arms just as I wrapped him up in my mind, and I felt his chest hitch.

//I missed you too, Master.//

//Beloved Padawan,// I murmured, rocking him gently. //Beloved son. Look in my heart and see the truth.//

* * *

I don't know how long he held me; I know I wept at some point, but it could have been minutes or hours that I found the comfort in his arms that I'd longed for as a boy. He opened his mind to me completely, removing all shields and barriers so that I could see any and everything I wanted to, and by the time I'd finished wandering, I understood him--and myself--a lot better.

That he loved me as deeply as I now knew he did still seemed unreal, but I discovered something within me that I needed to settle.

I had struggled for so long to be what I thought Qui-Gon wanted me to be; everything that I perceived to be a rejection hurt me and shattered my peace--and I allowed it. No wonder I was a walking wreck after I thought my Master had died! I had no inner resources to sustain me. In seeking to please him, I'd lost my center, my Self. Instead, I'd been riding on Maul and Qui-Gon's peace rather than seeking it within myself, and that's a false path indeed.

//We'll heal this, Obi-Wan. Together.// My Master's voice rang clearly inside my head, and I sighed with contentment; I'd been so lonely for him, and now I felt as if things truly were going to be right between us, perhaps for the first time.

"No more hiding, my Padawan," he said aloud. "From now on, I'll show you exactly how much you mean to me."

I nodded, but part of me held itself in reserve, not quite believing that he would follow through or, if he did, that it would last. I spent most of the next day in a fog of amazement because not only did Qui-Gon keep our bond open so that I could sense his thoughts and feelings, but he was also far more affectionate than he'd ever been before.

All the casual little touches that spoke of love that I'd longed to have bestowed on me when I was his Padawan were now mine. He encouraged me to sit next to him and lean against him if I wanted to, and if I did, he stroked my hair or simply put his arm around my shoulders. When we stood beside each other, he frequently rested his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently every so often. It even seemed as if he smiled more often, his eyes filled with a fondness that warmed me, and he sent almost constant waves of pride and assurance along our bond, wrapping me up in a cocoon of love that made my heart ache.

It was exactly what I'd always wanted, yet I still held myself aloof, afraid it would be taken from me at any moment. I wanted it to last, yet I doubted that it would.

Qui-Gon must have sensed some of my reticence, because after all the meetings were over for the day and we had retired to our quarters, he guided me out to the balcony and, once there, stood behind me, gathering me in his arms and holding me close. I could feel the quiet contentment radiating from him, and I envied him that peace. My own soul was as turbulant as usual.

"Tell me what you are thinking, my Padawan," he asked softly.

I sighed. "That I wish it had always been like this between us."

"As do I. It should have been. It would have been had I been wiser and less prideful," he admitted. "But we've both learned and grown, and I will try my best to make up for the omissions of the past. You're my legacy--my son--and I will never take you for granted again."

"What about..." I faltered, hesitating to voice this question. "What about another Padawan?" I was thinking of Anakin and how easily Qui-Gon had shoved me aside for him; that could easily happen again.

"I will have no other Padawan after you," he replied. "I wasn't thinking when I claimed Anakin," he continued, as if he'd read my thoughts. He might have since I hadn't shielded myself much; I was enjoying the feel of having a bond with him again too much to protect myself. "I was convinced I was right and the Council was wrong, and I didn't stop to think how my actions might hurt you. It was a mistake I'll always regret, along with allowing the Council to coerce me into breaking our bond."

More words.

How could I believe them? I didn't trust words. Words were easy. Words were cheap. Words could mean everything or nothing, and there was no way of knowing the truth of them until you'd already given your heart over to be battered once more.

As if sensing my conflict, Qui-Gon turned me around in his arms and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. "I love you, Obi-Wan."

"Why?" I whispered, and for some reason, he began to chuckle, a low, deep sound that I felt more than heard. Affronted, I drew back with a scowl, but he shook his head.

"I'm not laughing at you," he assured me with a tight hug. "I was thinking of the last time I told someone I loved them. I got the same question in response."

"Who--?"

"Maul."

My jaw nearly dropped in surprise. Maul had asked why Qui-Gon loved him? How could he doubt it? My lover and my Master were well-matched in many different ways, even without the added benefit of a bond. I was the odd man out, not him.

"It was on Tayrrn," Qui-Gon continued, his voice softly musing. "He couldn't understand why I love him. 'I just do' wasn't a good enough answer because," he hooked a finger under my chin and lifted it so I had to meet his gaze, "he didn't believe himself worthy of anyone's love. Not mine, not yours, and especially not his own."

"Maul felt that way?" I whispered hoarsely. "But... he's always so peaceful..."

"He wasn't then, no more than you are now," Qui-Gon replied. "He had to accept that his image of himself was a false one, created out of fear."

"What image?"

"He saw himself as weak and tainted, unworthy of walking in the Light." He hesitated, then added, "he saw himself as unworthy of love."

I struggled to conceptualize this idea of my ever-calm mate as someone wracked with doubt and filled with fear and self-disgust. Ever since I'd known him, I'd felt that he was unshakable; he was always so accepting of whatever was thrown in his path. He simply dealt with it and released it rather than brooding on it as I tended to do. He knew how to let things go, and he knew how to maintain his own sense of peace--abilities I now knew I sorely lacked.

Yet he too could feel doubt and fear?

Perhaps I wasn't as pathetic as I thought I was...

"I guess he decided to believe you eventually." It wasn't so much a question as a statement of fact; I only had to look at them together to know that they shared a deep affection.

"Yes, he did." Qui-Gon nodded and smiled slightly.

I hesitated a moment, then blurted out the question burning on my tongue. "How?"

My former Master touched my cheek gently, then released me and backed away. "I don't know. He never told me, and I never asked. I simply knew when it happened."

With that, he withdrew into our quarters, leaving me alone with my thoughts--and I had a great deal of thinking to do. But here in our quarters, so close to Qui-Gon, wasn't the place to do it, and I sought refuge in a quiet corner of the nearest garden, settling among the green, growing things to center myself and sort through my muddled emotions.

Part of me wanted to cling to my shields and my walls, reminding me that I was safe as long as they were in place; if I only gave a little of myself, then I would only hurt a little when I was disappointed or betrayed, and that was inevitable. Hadn't I always been hurt in the past? Hadn't everyone I loved turned on me at some point?

What about Maul? a treacherous little corner of my mind spoke up.

I wanted to protest that Maul had left me. He'd withdrawn from me twice, once physically and once emotionally. But I couldn't delude myself for longer than it took to form the thought. The first time Maul left me, it was because I'd pushed him away, and the second time, it was because he needed to heal after Naboo. Neither time had he left me because he didn't love me.

But we still disagree sometimes, I thought, but it sounded like a petulant whine even to myself.

Is that why you keep him at arms'-length? Is that why you distract yourself so much with desire--so you don't have to deal with baring your heart to him along with your body? Do you expect things to be perfect? my inner voice chided. Foolish child! Grow up and face the truth: there will always be rough spots; that's an inevitable fact. But occasional discord isn't a sign that the relationship is flawed. It's natural, and it's only a deterrent to happiness if you let it be.

What about Qui-Gon, I whimpered silently. He didn't choose me, he just tolerated me and learned to care for me a little, but when it came time to choose, he picked Anakin, a child he barely knew, over the Padawan he'd trained for years. And then he left me for two years and let me think he was dead.

My rational side, however, was having none of it.

You know what really happened, it reminded me sharply. You know he was doing what he thought he had to do to protect the Order--to protect the entire Republic!--from the Sith. It hurt him as much as it hurt you. Love isn't about deserving or worthiness, it's about giving and sharing of yourself with another, trusting them to care even in the face of your flaws and caring for them in the face of theirs. Qui-Gon and Maul both love you, and you damn well know it. Now what are you going to do about it? Are you going to choose love? Or are you going to choose fear?

* * *

The rest of our mission went smoothly enough; the Andrigins managed to negotiate an agreement with minimal assistance from myself and Obi-Wan, and the mission itself turned out to be more like a respite than work, given the Andrigin love of comfort and enjoyment of life. As a people, they are very much attuned to the Now, focusing on what they can make of the moment rather than rushing ahead to face the future, and I found myself quite at ease among them.

As for Obi-Wan... He said nothing more regarding the matter between us. After our discussion on the balcony, he remained outside for a while longer, then he left our quarters and didn't return until it was nearly time for our next meeting. He never told me what he did while he was gone, and I didn't ask, but when he returned, he seemed far more at peace than when he left.

I continued to show him all the affection I had long felt but kept hidden for my own foolish reasons. Now that the door had been opened, I had no intention of closing it again; Obi-Wan would simply have to endure his old Master's embraces and the fondness I sent through our new bond. It felt right having his presence in my mind again; between his bright, dancing red-gold spark and Maul's calm, quiet blue-green pulse, I felt very much the proud father of two different yet equally admirable sons.

On our return to the Temple, Maul was waiting for us at the landing platform. Maede wasn't with him, but I'd known she wouldn't be. She had sent a grumbling communiqué the day before, letting me know she had been sent off-planet. Many of the Healers had been summoned to deal with an infectious outbreak, leaving a skeleton staff at the Temple. Thus when the government officials of Malastair requested a contingent of Healers to be present at their Jaimaan Day podrace, she had been "volunteered" to go.

Our reunion would be postponed a while, but that allowed me to bear witness to Maul and Obi-Wan's, and I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw.

I had thought more than once that physical affection between the two of them seemed more like a contest of wills than a blending of souls; knowing what I did of both of them, I doubted either of them were completely satisfied by that arrangement. Both, in their own way, simply wanted to be loved--completely and without reservation or condition. It was, it seemed, what they had both lacked from their respective Masters, and they sought it in each other. Unfortunately, the scars they had carried from their past experiences made it difficult for either of them to give themselves completely or to accept that someone else might indeed love them as they wished.

Until this mission, I would have said Maul had come the farthest in releasing the pain of his past and finding the peace and strength within himself to love and be loved. But now, I could see that Obi-Wan too had begun to find his own peace and resolution.

Rather than race out of the ship, tackle Maul and drag him off, Obi-Wan descended the ramp slowly, with a restraint and dignity that the Council would have applauded had they seen it. Once he reached Maul, he reached out and stroked his lover's cheek with the back of his hand before wrapping both arms around him in a warm, tight embrace, seeming to be sublimely happy with just being able to hold his mate again.

It had become habitual for me over the last few days to keep the shields between myself and Obi-Wan at a bare minimum so that I could easily let my feelings of pride and affection be known to him. Now, I heard distant echoes along my bond with him from his with Maul's.

//I missed you... I love you...//

I sensed Maul's quiet pleasure just before I raised my shields to a level that would allow contact if needed but wouldn't allow any indiscreet leaks on either side. Then it was simply a matter of waiting until they reluctantly disengaged from one another and turned to me as if only just remembering I was there.

"Welcome back. I hope the mission was a successful one," Maul said politely, but there was warmth in his eyes when he looked at me.

"It was," I replied, smiling fondly at him to let him know I was pleased to see him as well.

"It was also rather enlightening," Obi-Wan added with an impish smile, earning a raised eyebrow from his mate.

I sighed quietly. No matter how peaceful he became, Obi-Wan would never lose that sense of mischief... and I had to admit I really didn't want him to. Except, perhaps, at times like these when I knew of a certainty he was about to direct it at me.

"Enlightening?" Maul echoed, and Obi-Wan nodded and moved closer to me.

Slipping his arms around my waist, he nuzzled his cheek against my shoulder and grinned impudently up at me. "I learned a few things about our beloved Master's ears."

"Put that in your report, Padawan, and I will kill you." I growled a warning which I knew would go unheeded.

"I don't need to put it in the report. I think the holovids will speak quite well for themselves."

-end-