Happy New Year?
by KatBear
Title: Happy New Year?
Author: KatBear (katbear@cox.net)
Archive: MA, AO3
Category: AR
Rating: NC17 for explicit sexual activity, but mostly PG13
Pairing: Q/O (Quilan Finn/Ben Kennan)
Feedback: Appreciated.
Thanks: To the beta readers who made this a better story (Merry Amelie, Bonny Magret). All mistakes are my own.
Summary: The turn of the year brings mixed results.
Warnings: If male-male sex bothers you, you shouldn't be here.
Spoilers: None, alternate reality set in 21st century Earth in fictional part of the western U.S. (Wyoming)
Notes: 1. The primary setting is not based on any actual specific real location or persons but is a composite of possible geography, town features, transplanted state university, etc. 2. The federal agencies mentioned are real but liberties have been taken with some policies, practices and job duties. 3. This is the twelfth story in the Master's Voice series.
4. It's been a while since I've posted, so here's a reminder of some of the key characters. Quilan Finn - law enforcement ranger at Keogami National Forest, Ben Kennan - mechanic at Midway Motorcycle, Jane Brandon - Ben & Qui's landlady, Rafaela Romero, another boarder at Jane's house, Celesta (Cel) - Rafa's horse, Liz and Linda - lesbian friends of Jane, Reverend Charles Jenkins - gay pastor at Jane & Rafa's church, Frank Mendoza - Ben's boss at Midway Motorcycles, Maureen Kennan - Ben's sister
Additional notes are at the end of the story.
Master's Voice
MV 2 - Honeymoon
MV 3 - First Session
MV 4 - Morning Blues
MV 5 - Relocation
MV 6 - Snow Falls
MV 7 - Attentions
MV 8 - Giving Thanks
MV 9 - First Review
MV 10 - Questions
MV 11 - Merry Christmas
MV 12 - Happy New Year?
Disclaimer:The boys belong to George Lucas, I'm just playing with them.
31 December Tuesday
Dim light filtered around the edges of the shade on the bedroom window. Ben stretched, then let out a slow breath. He rolled up onto one elbow so he could peek over the bulk stretched out next to him; the clock on the nightstand showed almost thirty minutes until the alarm was scheduled to go off. Torn between competing desires, Ben sighed and lay back down as his conscience won out over the desultory urges from a growing erection.
"Morning, love," Qui murmured as he stirred and shifted to drape an arm over Ben.
"Hey, didn't mean to wake you, especially after you got in so late last night."
"'S all right." Qui nuzzled against Ben's neck. "I don't have to go back until this afternoon. I can sleep after you leave."
"I wish you didn't have to work tonight on New Year's Eve." Ben regretted the tinge of a whine as soon as the words left his mouth. "Sorry, I shouldn't have complained."
"Truth be told, I'm not particularly thrilled about it, either. It's going to be a cold, miserable night out there just trying to make sure the idiots aren't getting too drunk and doing damage to themselves or the forest." Qui laughed. "Not that I'm not a devoted public servant, mind you, but 'tis truly amazing what the wonderful people who pay the taxes that go to my salary can get themselves up to sometimes."
Ben smiled. "Yeah, I guess people will be people no matter where they are."
"Too true." Qui kissed his way along Ben's chin.
"Anyway, we'll have the next few days off to be together, so that'll be good." Ben paused as a sudden doubt struck him. "You were able to get leave, right?"
"I'm afraid I got sort of tied up on some things and forgot to actually ask, so the boss was none too pleased when I brought it up yesterday. He wouldn't give me three days." Qui's tongue flicked close to his lover's earlobe.
"Dammit, you promised." Ben pulled back and grabbed the large hand that had been rubbing his belly. "This was very important to me and I put in my leave request a fricking month ago. Why the hell did you leave it to the last minute?"
"We've all been busy and the patrol commander hasn't been around. Not to worry, things will work out." Qui tried to lean in for a kiss.
Ben scowled and sat up, holding Qui at arm's length. "Are you having me on again?"
"You're learning, boyo." Qui pushed Ben over and wrestled him down. He leaned close and whispered in his ear, "He bitched me out for the short notice, handed me the worst routes for yesterday and tonight, then told me to take my miserable arse away for four days after I get off. So we'll have the holiday tomorrow, then Thursday through Sunday before we both have to be going back to work."
"You bastard - " The rest of Ben's protest was lost in the kiss his lover bestowed. A moment later Ben yelped and squirmed when Qui dipped his tongue in his ear.
"How about a little down payment on our vacation, boyo?"
"What?"
"Don't ask, just enjoy."
Ben gasped as a slick hand engulfed his cock. He bucked while Qui rapidly fisted his cock into raging hardness, reaching blindly to pull his lover close. Ben twisted to face Qui and thrust his hips forward; Qui obligingly wrapped his hand around both of their erections.
"Oh, yeah!" Ben moaned as he rutted against his mate. He hung on to Qui's hips while Qui worked their cocks back and forth, sliding them in opposite directions with delicious friction. The pace quickly escalated: grunts and hard breathing filled the air, blankets flew off hot bodies. Ben felt his pulse pounding, blood thundered in his ears and his balls tightened. A final groan and spasm signaled his climax and he clung to Qui as his lover's own orgasm followed a few moments later.
Both men lay together quietly, dozing off after enjoying the after-glow, until their serenity was punctured by the buzzing of the alarm clock. Ben sucked in a deep breath as Qui reached over to hit the 'off' button and turn on the lamp.
"You don't have to get up with me," said Ben as he sat up.
"Wasn't planning to," Qui replied with a lazy grin.
Ben grimaced as he climbed over his recumbent mate to get out of bed. He stopped and looked down, a frown on his brow. "Did you really wait until yesterday to ask for time off?"
"In a manner of speaking." Qui put his hands behind his head, the grin still on his lips. "I did check around a few weeks ago to make sure everybody else was going to be back on duty, and I did send an email to the admin officer telling her I'd be asking for leave. I haven't been in the office much, though, and forgot to send in the official request form, which was probably what ticked off my boss." His grin got even wider. "'Tis far too easy to be pulling your leg, boyo. I probably shouldn't be giving in to the temptation."
"You are a bastard sometimes." Ben shook his head as he started to turn away.
Qui grabbed Ben's hand. "Ben, you know I love you. If I didn't I wouldn't be here, but you also know I told you I'm not any kind of a saint."
Ben leaned down over the edge of the bed for a quick kiss. "I love you, too. Since my sense of humor can be kind of snarky sometimes, I guess I shouldn't complain too hard." He snorted. "And I know I'm sure as hell no saint, either. So it's just as well neither of us is, otherwise we'd be annoying each other all the time with our damned saintliness."
"That's my boyo." Qui sat up, still holding Ben's hand, his expression turning serious. "Ben, it's likely going to be a long night for me and I doubt if I'll be getting in until early morning. That's mostly because there's just a hell of a lot of territory to cover, not because I'm expecting that we'll have any serious problems. I want you to go with Jane and Rafa to that party tonight and have fun; don't sit at home fretting about me."
"Are you asking because you think I worry too much about what you do out there or because you want me to get out more?" Ben straightened.
"Some of both, I suppose." Qui took Ben's other hand and held them together. "I'm just wanting you to be able to enjoy yourself."
"Well, Jane was kind of hinting that she needed a bridge partner for the first hour or so of the games they're having," Ben said slowly as he stared down at their joined hands. He glanced up as he continued, "and it is supposed to be a nice multi-group party, so, yeah, I guess I'll go."
Ben's answer earned him a smile from Qui. "Good, I'm sure you'll have a grand time." Qui paused a moment, looked up at Ben. "I've been thinking that we could probably both use a little more time out together, something besides UPA. For example, one of these days I'd like to take you to Conall's. 'Tis a lovely old pub, food's fair but the beer is great and they have live music several nights a week. Every couple of months we do music trading and buying, especially if Tommy's gotten in new stuff from overseas. February should be his next shipment if you'd be interested."
"Sure, that sounds good," Ben replied. "And don't forget that you promised to take me to see you doing your Tai Chi sword routine."
"Aye, I've not forgotten, but I do need a bit more practice so I don't make a fool of myself." Qui smiled at Ben's snort of amusement and went on smoothly, "Since I'll be missing out on this do tonight, how about going out with me on Friday night? A couple of folks from the station, Cady and Jeff Velt, are having a party; it's an annual thing they put on instead of a New Year's affair, kind of a combination birthday and anniversary get-together. It's adults only, usually a lot of fun and I think you'd like it."
"I was hoping we'd be able to spend most of this time off together, just us," Ben said, a hint of a frown marring his brow. "And besides, it sounds like the sort of thing they'd be expecting you to bring a date to."
"We will be together," Qui said firmly, "and 'twouldn't be the first time that I'd be bringing a friend, not a 'date'." He squeezed Ben's hands as he saw his lover's frown deepen. "Ben, people see what they expect to see, and what they'll see is just two friends, nothing more." Qui gave a lopsided half smile. "Assuming we can keep our hands off each other, of course." He continued winningly, "And if there's something in particular you'd like to be doing or people you want me to meet, then we can surely talk about that, right?"
"I suppose that's only fair," Ben said slowly. He went silent as he realized that he hadn't really gotten to know very many people on his own outside of Jane, work and UPA and how unlike the old Ben Kennan that seemed. He used to like going out and doing things, staying active; was he getting withdrawn or over-sensitive since what happened with his father?
"Ben? Is there a problem?" asked Qui softly. "We don't have to go if you don't want to."
"No, just thinking." Ben smiled as he put his inner thoughts aside for later consideration. "It sounds like fun and we should go." He cocked one eyebrow. "But at least one evening we're staying in and I get to pick the book you're going to read to me."
"Fair enough," Qui replied with a big grin.
"I've got to get ready to go to work." Ben leaned down for a quick kiss. "You take care of yourself out there tonight."
"Aye, always."
Ben headed for the door, pausing for a moment to glance at his lover as Qui settled back under the covers to sleep, then smiled as he continued on his way to the bathroom.
Midway Motorcycles was very quiet for most of the day. The few customers tended to be people using Christmas cash or gift cards to buy accessories or clothing. Mattie, their college intern, helped out front for several hours. Ben put in the morning reviewing again the final list of parts he needed for Myrna's repairs and working on one of Frank's rebuild projects. After lunch, Tony Carmine pulled his team together to review the upcoming motorcycle safety classes that Midway would be supporting; after passing out assignments and going over logistics, Tony peppered each person with questions about individual duties and scenarios for dealing with students. Ben was pleased that he was able to remember all the laws and also come up with some good responses for questions or problems he might run into. Tony was apparently happy too and gave him a 'nice job' when he sent Ben back to Frank. Since they didn't expect any repair jobs to come in, Frank let Ben and Mattie go ahead and do the shop cleanup, releasing them to go home an hour early.
Home for Ben was a delightful haven of warmth and heavenly aromas as he stepped in the front door. Jane enlisted him to help Rafa with their final food prep and packing for the items they were contributing to the New Year's Eve pot luck party. They all stopped to relax a bit with a leisurely cup of coffee before changing clothes and piling into Rafa's Subaru to head for the American Legion hall.
The party was a joint event with the American Legion and some of the local churches and civic associations, a gathering for their own members rather than a charity event as Thanksgiving had been. For the first hour people straggled in with food and family in tow until finally the several buffet tables were filled up - Ben pitched in wherever an extra hand was needed to set up or to corral the occasional loose child. At seven, a few of the clergy joined the American Legion post commander on the small stage at one end of the hall, welcomed everyone and gave the blessing to officially kick things off. Festive music began playing on a stereo system as people got their food and found places to sit.
"Mind if we join you?"
Ben looked up to see Liz and Linda smiling, four other people close behind them. Ben and Rafa had snagged a large trestle table near the back of the room, which still had several empty places.
"Please do," Rafa said, gesturing with one hand. "We need to save a spot for Jane but none of the others are taken."
"Thanks." The new arrivals seated themselves and Linda did a round of introductions, adding Jane to the list as she brought her plate over.
The conversation was lively as people reminisced about the events of the past year and where the new year might be going. Ben excused himself to get dessert and found a quiet corner to just watch the big room for a few minutes, his mood contemplative. He saw some people he recognized, mostly from Jane's church or the Thanksgiving event, but far more that he didn't know at all. He considered his brief discussion with Qui that morning; perhaps he had stopped reaching out after he met Qui... maybe it was time to make more of an effort to stake out deeper roots if he truly intended to make this place his home.
"Penny for your thoughts," came a quiet voice behind Ben. He looked around and saw Reverend Charlie.
"Good evening, sir." Ben smiled and tried to shake off his serious mood. "Just thinking about a few things, maybe working up a new year's resolution or two."
"Ah, yes, life does give us a lot to think about sometimes," Charlie said with a sage nod. He moved close to keep his voice low. "Is life going well for you? Getting settled in okay with all of the changes since you moved here?" He gestured vaguely with one hand, not specifying what 'changes' might include.
"It's definitely improved the last six months. I have a good job and Jane has taken great care of me." Ben snorted a little. "Finally starting to get a little money set aside, too, so I can go back to school."
"Good, good." Charlie paused before continuing delicately, "I don't see Quilan Finn here tonight..."
"He had to work. Somebody has to keep order out in the Keo during the holiday and he got one of the short straws, I guess." Ben's tone brightened as he grinned. "We've both got the next four days off, though, and he's invited me to a party Friday night that some of his Forest Service friends are throwing."
"That does sound like fun." Charlie returned Ben's grin and added a one-armed hug in deference to the plate of cake in Ben's left hand. "We've appreciated the help you and Quilan have given us this year in our little community. If you ever need any help, or just somebody to talk to, you know we're here for you, too."
"Thanks, that's good to know."
"Enjoy the rest of the evening, Ben. Things will get a lot livelier later on." Charlie winked. "The dancing helps wear out the little ones so they'll go to sleep without fussing."
Ben laughed. "Yes, sir, I will." He nodded as he turned to go.
Back at the table everyone was finishing up dessert. Ben sat down and ate his cake, listening to people sorting out plans for their activities.
"I understand there will be dancing later?" Ben asked.
"Yes, different kinds," Linda replied. "It's one of the best parts of the party, especially the line dancing when everybody joins in. Most people have finished eating so I expect they'll be making an announcement shortly."
"Right, they've got different rooms set up for quiet games, loud games, children's activities and out here in the main hall we'll push back the tables for music and dancing," added Jane. "I believe you promised me a round of bridge, young man," Jane smiled with a twinkle in her eye, "but I'm only holding you to the first hour. After that Liz and I are going to take on a couple from the Baptist church who claim to be darned good."
"Yes, ma'am, I'm looking forward to playing," Ben grinned, "and I'll give my condolences in advance to the Baptists."
"They'll need it," Liz threw in dryly. "I'm feeling particularly lively tonight, especially since we will be upholding the honor of our church."
Any further conversation was forestalled by the sound of tapping and throat-clearing into the microphone on the stage. Behind a gangly redhead at the mike, a small group of musicians was setting up.
"Howdy, howdy! Is everybody enjoying themselves?" asked the announcer.
A rousing cheer went around the room.
"Great! Glad to see so many folks here having a good time. We've got plenty of things for everybody to do as we wind down to the end of the year. You may have already noticed the other rooms - all the way down the main hall is the quiet room for card games and such, the next one is for our littlest people, where volunteers are set up to take care of them if they need to sleep, then that last room right before you come in here is for those of a mind for noisier games. Out here, we'll be asking everybody to help push the tables back against the wall to clear out room for dancing."
Another cheer interrupted the speaker.
"Reckon that'll be pretty popular!" The announcer had a big grin. "We want to make sure everybody gets a chance to jump in, so we'll vary the kinds of music. The boys here," he waved a hand to point behind him, "are going to play western and square dancing stuff for a while, then Arnie will liven things up with several polkas. Around nine-thirty or so, we're going to start the line dances. Don't worry if you don't know the steps 'cause we'll have a leader to show you how and keep you on track. So let's all make some room and get things started!"
The room was buzzing as people jostled around moving the tables and chairs against the walls, leaving a big open space in the middle of the floor. As the first guitar strains filled the air, Ben found Jane and they made their way to the quiet game room.
Just getting organized were different types of card games, including bridge, gin rummy, cribbage and a few board games. Ben sat in with Jane for an hour on a friendly bridge game, giving up his place to Liz when a relatively formal sort of tournament started. He wandered down the hall, stopping for a few minutes to watch the carryings-on in the noisy room where several animated board games were taking place. After a quick stop in the restroom, Ben went back to the main room to nibble on some snacks while the polka dancers whirled around. He smiled as he watched a group of children doing their own unique interpretations of the classic accordion tunes off to one side of the floor.
"There you are!"
Before he could look around, Ben found himself engulfed in a hug from Linda.
"Hey, how's it going?" asked Ben after he untangled himself from the embrace.
"Great! I'm having a wonderful time." Linda had a big grin. "You planning to join us for the line dancing? They should be starting shortly."
"Yeah, it sounds pisser."
"But I wanna dance, Mama!" A very young voice on the verge of petulance caught their attention. "If Daddy was here, he'd dance with me."
Ben followed Linda's gaze and saw a young woman seated at a side table, a toddler in her arms and a pained expression on her face as she looked at a six-year-old girl.
"Oh, dear. That's Gloria Lennox. Her husband's in the Army and deployed overseas right now, so she's holding things down by herself for a while," said Linda in a low voice.
"I'm sorry, Clary, but I have to watch your sister so I can't dance with you." Gloria's patient explanation clearly wasn't making much headway.
"C'mon, Ben. Let's do a good deed to finish out the year."
Before Ben could open his mouth, Linda grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the table.
"Gloria, it's nice to see you. This is Ben. Ben, this is Gloria." Linda paused as the two shook hands. "How are Suzy and Clary?"
"Well enough. It's kind of hard with Vinny being away, though; the girls don't really understand why he's gone. Hopefully he'll be back in April still in one piece." Gloria shrugged. "Before I forget again, I wanted to thank you for that picture book you did for Clary's birthday. She loved it."
"You're welcome and I'm glad she liked it." Linda leaned forward a little. "You look like you could use a break, honey. Tell you what, why don't you take Clary over for this last polka? Ben and I will watch Suzy."
"Oh, I don't want to put you to any trouble, Linda."
"It's no trouble at all." Linda gently took the little one and held her close. "I need a rest before the line dancing anyway. Now shoo."
"C'mon, momma. The music's starting." Clary grabbed her mother's hand and tugged. With a grateful look, Gloria acquiesced.
While Gloria and Clary created yet another distinctive version of a polka dance, Linda held the sleepy toddler and scanned the room. Evidently spotting her quarry, she waved vigorously until two young men in their mid-twenties came over. She introduced Ben to Noah and his friend Omar, both of whom sang in her church choir. When Gloria came back from the dance, Linda persuaded her to let Noah and Omar take Clary for the first few group dances, which were intended for children and everyone young at heart.
"Quite the matchmaker, aren't you?" Ben grinned as Linda took his arm.
"I prefer the term 'facilitator', sugar. Never hurts to get people together to make something good happen for both of them." Linda had a big grin of her own as they swooped down on a large group of youngsters tentatively milling about. "Hey, kids, who's up for the next dance? Ben and I will take you out!" Linda began herding the shy ones toward the open floor as several parents smiled appreciatively and waved them on.
Ben laughed and followed Linda's lead, finding himself among the handful of adults frolicking around a big circle as the band played the Hokey Pokey. More people joined in for the next couple of children's dances and then the Chicken Dance. By the time they finished the Macarena, most of the younger children had dropped out. Ben sat out a few of what appeared to be local circle folk dances, but was back out when lines formed for the next set of dances.
Time seemed to fly by as the enthusiastic announcers and dance leaders kept everybody straight for the various dances done to recorded music. Ben found the steps easy to follow and those around him always seemed eager to help if he had questions. The Electric Slide, the Hustle, Cowboy Boogie and Cha Cha Slide went by quickly; Ben had worked up quite a sweat and took a breather, sitting out a couple of dances while he enjoyed a cold drink and helped cheer on the other dancers. Linda and Omar enticed him back out for Cotton Eye Joe and he stayed for several more. After the last line dance, he took another break as live musicians went back on the stage and began playing some slower numbers.
"Enjoying the party?" asked Jane as she sat down next to Ben at a side table. Liz was with her and sat on her other side.
"It's been a real pisser evening," replied Ben. He took a sip from his cup of water. "How did the bridge go?"
"Well, I'd have to allow as how that Baptist couple really were pretty darned good," Jane smiled, "but Liz and I got them set to rights by the time all was said and done."
"It's always more enjoyable to win a hard-fought battle, so it has been a very good evening indeed," added Liz.
"Congratulations to both of you, ladies." Ben bowed without rising. "Meanwhile, Linda's been doing her best to get everybody to dance. I did several of the line dances and I saw Rafa out there also for a while, but I'm not sure where she is now."
"She joined the crew keeping an eye on the children," said Jane. "I peeked in as we came down the hall; there's a fair passel of little ones laid out asleep."
Colored lights began playing softly over the room.
"Goodness, is it that late already?" Jane glanced at her watch. "Quarter to midnight, so we'll be wrapping up right shortly." As if to emphasize her words, a couple of crews began circulating with plastic cups and bottles of fizzy drinks.
By the time everyone in the main room had a beverage, a tall column had been set up near the stage. An old disco ball sat at the bottom of the metal pillar and a crew stood by to activate it. The band stopped playing as the leaders of the American Legion and various groups gathered on the stage and began thanking people for all the work that had been accomplished during the year, as well as tonight.
"Okay, folks, almost time to bring in the new year. Let's all gather round," said the band leader. At his signal the drummer started a long roll; a wave of his hand had the disco ball crew moving to crank up the brightly lit orb. Second by second the ball moved up the column, the crowd starting to chant the seconds until it hit the clock at the top and threw off a sparkling kaleidoscope of colors.
"Happy New Year!" rang out the toasts as each person lifted his or her glass and drained it.
"All together now - let's sing in the new year!"
As the notes of Auld Lang Syne rang out, everybody held hands all across the room. Ben found himself between Jane and Noah in a line of people as they sang, swayed, and cheered loudly at the end.
The festivities then slowly wound down; the band played some leisurely numbers, a few people danced, most began clearing up and collecting used dishes and slumbering children. Ben helped with the general cleaning, afterward joining Jane and Rafa to gather their casserole dishes and cake pans. After farewells to various people, it was close to one a.m. by the time they made their way out to the chilly parking lot.
"Ben! Got a sec?"
Ben looked up to see Noah coming toward him, the quiet Omar trailing behind. He paused at the door of Rafa's Subaru.
"Sure. What's up?"
"Just wanted to say it was nice meeting you, and I was also wondering if you had any musical background. You've got a nice singing voice," said Noah.
"It was nice meeting you, too. And thanks, I learned to play piano pretty well when I was young, but I've never done any serious voice work."
"If you ever decide you'd like to sing or get into some instrument work, we've got a nice choir at the church and a couple of local choirs and jam groups, just fun stuff, nothing heavy. We're always looking for new people, so you'd be welcome to just try a few sessions if you want."
"I hadn't considered it, but it sounds like it might be fun," said Ben.
"Here's my number if you ever want to stop by, or Linda can hook you up. She knows everybody." Noah handed over a card.
"Thanks, I might take you up on that." Ben glanced at the card before putting it in his wallet. "Great meeting you, but I've got to get going." He shook hands with Noah and Omar, then waved as they headed off across the parking lot.
"Nice young men. Noah has a beautiful tenor voice and it's lovely to hear his solos at church," remarked Jane as Ben got in the back seat and put on his seat belt. She added casually, "They're a couple, you know. Been together over four years now."
Ben sat up a little straighter. "I didn't notice. They just seemed like regular guys."
"They're only out to friends so they don't like to be obvious in 'mixed company', so to speak. But I thought you might want to know that at least one of the choruses Noah works with is mostly LBGT."
"Oh, thanks."
Everybody was quiet for the rest of the ride, but Ben sat pondering what he had erroneously concluded about Noah and Omar, as well as Qui's comment that "people see what they expect to see." By the time they were home, Ben was feeling better about his lover's request for them to get out more and determined to be supportive in that area.
1 January Wednesday
"Mmmm, that really hit the spot." The smell of fresh coffee had lured Ben upstairs about eight-thirty. He had carefully slipped out of bed so as not to disturb his slumbering mate, made a quick stop in the bathroom and thrown on a set of old sweats. Ben scratched idly at the rough stubble on his chin as he took another sip. "Thanks for making this."
"It was no trouble since I was up anyway." Jane added a bit of sugar to her own cup. "Do you know what time Qui got in? I was thinking of putting together brunch pretty soon, but if he won't be up for a while I'll just fix him lunch later."
"I'm not sure, but I think it was around three or four. He's pretty quiet when he comes in late and I probably wouldn't have noticed at all except his feet were so cold." Ben shook his head, then looked around. "Have you seen Rafa yet?"
"She's been out to the barn over an hour, so I expect she'll be back in right shortly. I think she wanted to clean out Cel's stall after she fed her and the two boarder dogs."
Ben and Jane shared a companionable silence and a second cup of the dark brew while they waited. When Rafa finally came in, she headed straight for the stove to get a hot drink.
"It's still snowing pretty heavily out there," said Rafa as she carried her mug to the table and sat down. "Already at least six inches since it started earlier this morning, so we'll need to do some clearing up later. I let Cel out in the corral for a while so she could play, but this afternoon I'll need to give her a good brushing and clean her feet."
Ben smiled as he remembered how the young black and white Appaloosa mare enjoyed snorting and bucking in the falling flakes. "Qui and I can take care of the snow shoveling if you want to spend some more time with Cel. We weren't planning on going out anywhere in particular today."
"Thanks, I appreciate that," Rafa replied. "I'll help Jane with dinner later after I get done."
"Did I hear somebody offering me up for work?" A trim figure in jeans and an old gray t-shirt wandered into the kitchen, hair still tousled and a huge yawn splitting his face.
"I said we'd shovel the snow, but there's no hurry as it's still coming down," said Ben.
Qui stopped by the window and squinted. "Why, so 'tis." He yawned again.
"I didn't wake you up, did I?" asked Ben. "You got in pretty late and I figured you'd want to sleep in."
"No, it's fine. The light coming in the window probably roused me." He turned with a smile as Jane set hot water and tea bags on the table. "Ah, 'tis surely a beautiful angel of salvation you are, dear lady." Qui grinned as Jane dimpled and shooed him to his chair.
Ben waited while Qui steeped his tea before speaking. "How were things out there in the Keo last night?"
"Saints be praised, 'twas mostly a quiet and boring night." Qui took a sip of tea and sighed in satisfaction. "Just the usual assortment of idiots with fireworks and drunks. A couple of them were so far gone they actually ran their vehicles off the road." Qui shrugged. "Nothing exciting and nobody got seriously hurt."
The conversation meandered on to plans for initiating the new year. Since none of them were into college football, all of them were satisfied with just having a quiet day and a nice evening meal to mark the occasion, especially since Liz and Linda were flying out that afternoon to spend some time on the west coast to visit friends and discuss a potential new book illustration contract for Linda. Ben and Qui started a load of laundry in the washing machine while Jane and Rafa fixed brunch. By the time they finished eating, the snow had tapered off to occasional flakes, leaving behind a foot of white fluffiness. The two men put on their outdoor gear, divvied up the snow-covered areas and starting shoveling. An hour of steady work saw all the paths, steps and the immediate driveway clear; the drive down to the main road was left for the gentleman who would be coming out later with a plow on the front of his pickup truck. Hot showers and some quiet time together were the next order of business for Ben and Qui.
"Penny for your thoughts." Qui leaned down to plant a kiss on Ben's still-damp head before pulling on a clean t-shirt, this one green with a Forest Service logo. "Hope they're good ones."
Ben looked up from his desk chair in their bedroom and shook his head ruefully. "I've got so many thoughts zinging around about this last year it's a little hard to sort them all out." He smiled wickedly as he stood up. "There's always one that's particularly pisser, though." Ben wrapped one arm around the lean torso of his lover and used the other to pull Qui's head down; he luxuriated in the warm tingle as they held a long, slow kiss.
Finally, they broke the kiss and Ben rested his head against Qui's chest.
"Aye, that is nice." Qui rested his chin on the top of Ben's head, their arms still enclosing each other. He glanced at Ben's desk. "Looks like you're getting fair organized, boyo. Fresh start for the new year?"
"Sort of." Ben stepped over to the end of the desk. "There's my journal; I'll want to keep working on that but maybe start either a new section or new book for this year."
"I haven't finished figuring out how I want to arrange everything else yet, but I thought it would be nice to set something up to track things." Ben started pointing to various manila folders. "For example, here's Myrna's insurance and registration records, her repair parts and costs, my pay stubs for last year, the college application I'm working on, financial aid forms, stuff related to Midway like my job application and benefits, and I'm still working on what to do with some other stuff like miscellaneous income, various expenses and future plans. I'll probably set up a couple of spreadsheets for income and expenses so I can see where I stand and how much money I'll have available for things like school books. Of course, I won't know all of the university-related information until I find out if I've been accepted and talk to a counselor and the aid office."
"Jaysus, all that organizational stuff is surely something that didn't rub off from me!" Qui had a lopsided smile as he stood with hands on his hips.
"It wouldn't hurt you to have something better and more detailed than a drawer with raggedy old folders and loose papers stuffed in them every which way." Ben snorted. "That mess is actually kind of surprising given how neat you seem to be about most other things, but I remember when we sorted your belongings after you moved. You had a lot of important information, but you were like 'Pfft, if I need it bad enough I'll find it', and just kept dumping things in." Ben waved a hand dismissively.
Qui laughed. "It wasn't quite that awful as I'm remembering it." He shrugged. "When it comes right down to it, though, some of the most important pieces like pay and personnel are automated, even if it did take the government a very long time to figure it out, and the powers that be send me the bill for my truck's registration, so it's not like I'm ever totally clueless, boyo." Qui looked down at the folders and papers neatly marching across Ben's desk, his expression turning thoughtful. He continued softly, "Lot of life changes represented there with your bits of cardboard and paper."
Ben took in a deep breath as he ran his fingertips down the row, briefly touching each item. He let the breath out as he slowly shook his head. "It has been one hell of a year." Ben let his hand rest flat on his journal as he stared down at it. "One hell of a year," he repeated softly, a catch in his voice as his throat tightened.
A pair of large hands dropped onto Ben's shoulders, gently massaging. "Would you be wanting to talk about any of it, Ben?" Qui's tone offered non-judgmental support.
Ben stood silently for a long minute. The sound of his own breathing resonated loudly in his ears. Finally he reached blindly for his lover's hand and pulled him out to their common area; both men sat on the long sofa, Ben settling into the safe refuge of Qui's left side.
"There's so much that has changed in just one year that I'm having trouble taking it all in," murmured Ben. "A year ago I was lost and angry. Myrna was all I had and it seemed like there was no point to my life. Kicked out by my own father, no family, no college, no job... I couldn't see past my anger and loneliness. I was pretty much just living day to day, wherever Myrna seemed to want to head each morning." His hand sought Qui's for a reassuring squeeze. "There were some days I wasn't sure it was worth going on."
"'Twas surely a low point." Qui gathered his young lover in with a long arm and held him close. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that."
"It was a very low point, but somehow I stumbled my way into this town." Ben shook his head. "I still don't understand how or why, but I lucked out when Jane took me under her wing and helped me get situated. Getting the part-time job at Midway, well, that was another piece of luck."
"I'm thinking there must have been some hard work in there somewhere," said Qui. "Lady Luck is a fickle mistress and only takes you so far if you don't keep her happy."
Ben nodded thoughtfully. "Don't want to sound arrogant, but I think I was working pretty damned hard once I decided to stay. Any odd job I could get to make rent money, overtime at Midway... yeah, I was willing to put in whatever it took. The big turning point was finding you, though. I can never thank you enough for being willing to knock some sense into that ignorant, selfish city kid." Ben's earnestness came through his voice and the tight grip he had on Qui's hand. "I know I've still got a long way to go to get my head straight and I still have plenty of hang-ups about things like money and self-esteem, but a tremendous amount of the happiness I have is due to you. Now there's stability in my life, a good job, decent finances, being able to start back to school. I couldn't have done it all without you helping me start to get my head out of my ass."
"Let's not be after hanging some sort of halo over my head, boyo," said Qui lightly. "The easy part was asking questions; the hard part is trying to come up with answers."
"Whatever you want to call it, being with you has changed my life. You're fantastic and I just want you to know how much I need you, how much I want to make you proud."
"Ben, we've had that part of the conversation before." Although there was a slight smile on Qui's lips, his tone was a shade sharper as he shook his head. "I love you for what you are and what you're trying to do with your life, not for some misbegotten notions of what you're thinking I want you to be."
"I just..." Ben looked down and sighed. "Sorry, I need to keep remembering that." Suddenly a stricken look of guilt covered his face as he leaned away. "Jesus, here I've been maundering on about me all this time and not even thinking about what it's been like for you. I mean, losing your house you had all those years and dealing with me and..."
"'Tis sure that last January neither of us could have imagined where we'd be now." Qui smiled and reached up with his left hand to ruffle Ben's hair. "The house, aye, that was a bit of a blow, but figuring out 'us'..." Qui rumbled a half-laugh deep in his throat. "I'm telling you the first time I faced up to the idea that I might be a poofter, I was purely gobsmacked and that's the truth." His expression turned solemn. "But I think I'm starting to fancy the idea as long as you're not wanting me to stop looking at pretty women."
"Sounds like I'll just have to keep working on convincing you 'us' is a really pisser thing." Ben had caught the twinkle in Qui's eyes and was determined to answer in kind. He scratched his head and pretended to think for a moment. "Hmmm.... maybe some more practice on our 69 might help."
"Or maybe some long snogging sessions, boyo." Suiting actions to words, Qui wrapped his arms around Ben and used his tongue to good effect as Ben melted into him, keeping his lover happily occupied until they were called to dinner.
The evening celebration was a mix of formal and informal. They laid out the good china in the formal dining room but the mood was relaxed. Jane had put together an eclectic mix of New Year's food: baked salmon, braised pork and cabbage, a big dish of hoppin' john and for dessert a rich mayonnaise chocolate cake. They lingered over coffee and tea as the conversation wandered over thoughts of the year just past and hopes for the new year. Before clearing the dishes, they held hands for a moment of silence for friends and family no longer with them.
After the dishes were done, Ben and Qui headed downstairs for some more quiet time. Ben spent a few minutes trying to call his sister, Maureen, but after only getting her voice mail decided to put off the call until the next day. In unspoken deference to Qui's lack of sleep the previous night, they kissed and caressed for an hour before heading to bed early. Safe and warm in his lover's arms, Ben drifted to sleep, more pleased than not with his new life.
2 January Thursday
Even without the alarm clock, Ben was awake by six-thirty. He slipped carefully out of bed, grabbed a pair of sweats and his cell phone from his desk and went out to their main room, silently closing the door behind him. After his morning ablutions, he curled up on the couch, wrapping himself in an old blanket, and dialed Maureen's number. A sleepy-sounding voice answered his call, but his sister quickly perked up when she realized who was calling. They spent almost forty-five minutes catching up with each other about their various activities, although Maureen was vague about their father. She would only say he and Grandmother Lanahan had been sniping at each other again and he also seemed to be remarkably smug about something he wouldn't discuss. When Qui wandered out of the bedroom and Maureen heard Ben whispering a quiet greeting, she demanded to speak to Qui; their conversation ended with a laugh on Qui's part and assurances that he would indeed look out for 'his boyo'.
"Hey, what was that all about?" Ben asked his sister after Qui handed the phone back with a big grin.
"Just making sure your friend knows I'm keeping an eye on my little brother," responded Maureen airily.
"Jesus, Maureen, Qui is the best thing that has happened to me since I left home; don't mess it up by bugging him too much."
"If he's as good as you keep saying, he won't mind and he sounded like he was having fun ribbing me about you. Besides, I love listening to that sexy voice of his." A muffled snigger escaped across the phone.
"Yeah, so do I. You should hear him reading to me, though... does all sorts of tingly things to my insides."
"I'll just bet it does and if we talk about him any more, I'm sure I'll end up being horribly jealous. Look, it's been great speaking to you, but I need to get going pretty soon. I'm heading back to DC in a few days, and I want to see some of my friends here in Boston before I leave."
"I thought school didn't start for almost three weeks?"
"You're right, it doesn't, but I want to get a head start on some research, and I need to go to a couple of meetings and a teleconference for the summer internship I was offered. I'll try to make it out to see you either at spring break or on my way to San Francisco after the semester is over."
"That would be wicked pisser. I'll be looking forward to that."
"So will I. I'll let you know once I get plans settled. Talk to ya later - love you, little bro."
"Thanks, love you, too. Bye."
Ben hung up the phone with a happy grin and untangled himself from his blanket. He stood up and headed for their bedroom to return the phone to its charging station. When he came out, Qui was sitting on the sofa putting on his boots.
"Going outside?" asked Ben.
"Had some more snow overnight, so I was thinking the walks will need clearing again. You feeling up for a little practice on your skis after breakfast? I'd like to go visit Manus and stop by the WCC to see how they're doing. We'll bring the snowshoes, too... probably need those up where Manus is. This evening, we can do whatever you like."
"Sounds fair enough and I'd enjoy the exercise." Ben grinned. "That will give me plenty of time to decide what you're going to read to me tonight."
"Aye, I've not forgotten." Qui grinned back. "I'll have to make sure you earn that privilege, boyo."
Ben wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, like you've ever had a problem with that, slavedriver."
"That's 'Mister Slavedriver, sir,' to you," jibed Qui in a hoity-toity tone.
"Right." Ben flipped his lover a bird and headed for the door. "Last one upstairs does the breakfast dishes."
A hearty laugh followed Ben up the stairs.
The two men definitely got in a good workout that day. After cleaning up the loose snow on the walkways, Jane packed them a lunch and they set out to visit Manus, the ancient oak tree, and his little flock. At the WCC they saw some new animals and a couple of the volunteers plied Qui with questions about Keogami and the wildlife programs there. By the time they made it home, it was nearly dark and Ben was more than ready for a shower and hot meal.
Ben and Rafa had cleanup after supper; when Ben finally made his way down to the basement he found that Qui was already building a fire and had opened a bottle of white wine for them.
"Looks nice," said Ben as he stopped by the couch.
"Thought I'd get a head start on preparations." Qui looked at the fire and poked at a few logs before nodding in satisfaction. He put the fire iron on its holder, then turned to his lover. "I got us some wine in honor of our two month anniversary. It's a nice little white with just a touch of sweetness."
"Mmm, sounds good. Just give me a few minutes and I'll join you."
Ben left his shoes in their bedroom and grabbed the book he had chosen before settling into the nest of pillows and blankets Qui had built in front of the sofa. The lights were off except for one lamp. He traded his book for a glass of wine and took an appreciative sip.
Qui put on his glasses and browsed through the pages. "Ah, Yeats, a nice choice," he murmured. "Any particular poems you had in mind?"
"Not really. I'm in the mood for poetry, but nothing specific. How about if you just choose pages at random and read whatever comes up?"
"Aye, I can do that."
They took a few moments to get comfortable, Ben snuggling into Qui's side and Qui putting one arm around Ben. For the next hour the only sounds were the crackling of the fire, Qui's melodious voice and Ben's sighs, with an occasional pause for sips of wine.
As the fire began dying down, they set aside glasses and the book and dedicated their attentions to each other. Soft kisses and touches mingled with whispered endearments as they slipped down to lie full length on the floor among the scattered pillows, hands roving and lifting shirts to reveal bare skin to be caressed by hot lips. By the light of the last embers, they moved to the bedroom and finished the evening with gentle lovemaking, moving against each other in simple harmony before slipping into sated slumber.
3 January Friday
The morning was clear and bright, the sky a pale blue as Ben and Qui headed for the barn after breakfast. They watched at the side of the corral for a few minutes as Rafa put her Appaloosa mare through her paces. They chatted briefly with Rafa, who said she would be taking Cel out for a ride for the morning after they finished warming up in the corral, then went inside. Despite the chill air, they took off their jackets and set them aside before facing each other in the large open central area clad only in sweats over their t-shirts and shorts.
"It's been a little while since we've had a formal session, Ben. Do you have any specific questions or movements you want to go over?"
Ben considered for a moment. "I don't think so... maybe a review of the basics, and afterwards I would like to go through a complete routine."
Qui nodded, then drew himself up and closed his eyes. He took a long, slow breath before opening his eyes. He bowed and said in a formal tone, "Let us begin, sidai."
"Yes, sifu." Ben bowed, recognizing the change in Qui from friend to instructor. He gave himself a quick reminder not to horse around as he relaxed into the session and waited for the first instruction.
They started out with stretches for ten minutes, then Qui directed Ben through a series of breathing exercises and individual positions. He made Ben repeat several of the poses, emphasizing attention to detail. At the end of the hour, they took a small break.
"Not too bad," remarked Qui. He tapped lightly with one hand on Ben's belly. "You still need to work on focus, bringing energy to your center and letting your movements flow from your center. Control should be easy and fluid; the muscle memory you get from repeating the positions will help you with that."
"Yes, sifu." The exercises were more boring than Ben liked, but he reminded himself that he was the one who had asked to go over the basics again. "Does that mean it still looks like I'm working too hard?"
"That's a good way to put it. Your form has improved a lot since we first began and we'll see how your transitions are doing next, but overall you will still need much more repetition before you can stop thinking of the movements as 'tasks' and simply lose yourself in the feeling of them."
Ben nodded; Qui's words agreed with his own self-assessment.
"Let's put it all together now. I want you to do the entire twenty-four movements at half speed. Close your eyes and begin on my signal."
Ben moved to the starting position, shut his eyes and took several deep breaths. When Qui gave the word, Ben began his first transition. He kept moving even as Qui provided occasional comments and corrective hands-on help. His concentration lapsed a few times as he felt himself laboring to master some of the weight shifts, but Qui let him continue without stopping. Ben stood waiting after he finished.
"Again. This time at normal speed. I'm not going to be saying anything, so don't worry about mistakes; just keep your eyes closed and focus on centering."
Taking a few more deep breaths, Ben started again. He actually found it easier knowing that he didn't have to split his concentration and was pleased with himself when he made it to the closing position. He opened his eyes and smiled.
"How did that feel, sidai?"
"Good. I'm sure there were some mistakes along the way but the flow felt good."
"Some minor errors of form, yes, but overall a nice job. Would you like to finish with both of us together?"
"Yes, sifu." Ben's smile turned to a wide grin. "I would definitely like that."
Qui allowed the edges of his lips to turn up just enough to fractionally lighten his serious mien. "Very well." He moved to stand facing his student. "You will perform the exercise as normal. I'm going to mirror your movements, so you can watch me if you want to reinforce your form."
It took Ben a moment to realize that Qui's comment meant that he would be doing the whole thing in reverse; he felt a moment of wonder as he thought about the level of mastery that must surely require. Outwardly, he simply nodded and assumed the starting position.
After they began, it took a few moments to get over the sensation of seeing Qui as if watching an echo of himself but Ben quickly adapted. He soon felt almost mesmerized and lost himself in their private dance. Time stopped as energy coursed through his body; Ben moved effortlessly as he focused only on Qui. When they reached the final position, Ben gave a small sigh of disappointment.
"Good, sidai?" Qui murmured, not moving.
"Wicked pisser, sifu." Ben grinned.
Qui nodded. "A worthy way to end the session, then."
They bowed to each other before Qui let a full-blown smile grace his lips. "With a few more years of practice, you might actually get pretty decent at this stuff." He lightly punched Ben's shoulder.
"Hey, if we can do that together it's worth it." Ben shook his head in admiration. "I didn't know you could do that mirror thing - that really was wicked pisser. I like doing it side by side, too, though."
"Just a little something I've been working on. It was trickier than I had thought it would be, but I found it useful as a way to strengthen my focus. You're right that side by side is also enjoyable, though." Qui shrugged into his jacket. "Let's go back to the house. A nice cup of tea is sounding good right about now."
Ben nodded, grabbed his own coat, and they left the barn, bits of snow crunching under their feet on the walk they had cleared that morning.
Most of the rest of the day passed quickly as Qui and Ben worked on individual projects. Qui was back out in the barn starting the initial pieces for a new bookcase he wanted to add, a narrow corner case with a shelf custom-fit for his desk stereo. Ben continued his records update and added to his journal. He hesitated a moment before writing about his father, but the passage of time was gradually diminishing the intensity of his pain and he decided to explore his feelings about his first year at boarding school. They both ate a light supper as Qui assured Ben that there would be plenty of food at the party that night.
For once Qui's old truck started up without complaining, so they were able to be on the road by seven thirty. Ben had brought a blanket to put over his jacket during the trip, knowing that the heater would take quite a while to warm the cab to what he considered a reasonably comfortable temperature. The first fifteen minutes of the trip were silent.
"Hey, you're awful quiet over there, Ben. Not having second thoughts, are you?"
"No, it's just cold." Ben hesitated a little; he had convinced himself this was a good thing but was realizing that he hadn't pressed Qui for any details. "Um, I know you said it's pretty informal, but are we talking about a lot of people being there tonight?"
"If it's like most of their parties, there will be people dropping in and out for a while, but I guess at any one time there's maybe seventy-five to eighty-some folks. It doesn't feel crowded, though, because it's a huge house. When Cady and Jeff first got married, they decided they wanted a big family so they bought a good-sized place and kept adding on. I've been out there several times to help with the construction over the years. I think a couple of the kids are off at college and I know the oldest girl is in the Navy, but most of the youngest ones are probably sleeping over at friends' tonight since it's a party for adults."
"Okay. So you've been to a lot of these?"
"I don't always make it every year, but yeah. This must be..." Qui's voice trailed off as he thought for a moment. "I'm pretty sure it's their twenty-third. Cady's birthday is late December and Jeff's is early January, so they got married on the first of January and have this one big do." Qui glanced at Ben. "Look, I realize you won't know most of the people there, so I do appreciate you coming along. It'll be mostly Forest Service people but Cady does a lot of volunteer work, too, so there's always a bunch of friends of hers that I don't know either. Jeff makes sure there're some spots for folks who want to chat or play cards or whatever, but if you do get to feeling overwhelmed I won't mind if you want to be leaving early."
"No, I'm actually glad you asked me to come. I usually like people and parties, but... I don't know... this last year I've been a lot more withdrawn than usual except for small groups like UPA. Maybe this will help me get out of that funk."
"I think it's grand you're coming. You're a great guy, Ben, but you've been through a lot since you left home and it will probably take more time than you think to put yourself back together. So if it takes a while longer don't worry about it. I believe in you and we've got all the time you need."
Ben felt a small lump in his throat as he realized yet again how lucky he had been to find this wonderful man. "Thanks, I appreciate that." He fell silent again as they continued down the road.
Another thirty minutes through increasingly less populated areas brought them to a sprawling two-story wood and rock house with four chimneys. The front was brightly lit, and they could hear music as they went up the long driveway. Qui pulled into a huge side yard that had been turned into a parking area.
"Here we are." Qui switched off the truck. His voice seemed louder than usual in the sudden silence. "Um... do I need to be reminding you that I still like women and lots of hugs?"
"Naw, I think I'll survive the evening without angsting myself into a jealous rage." Ben kept his tone light and a grin on his lips. "Just don't forget who you're going home with later."
"Hardly likely to be forgetting that, given how hot you look in those black jeans, boyo." Qui grinned back as he slid one hand across the seat to squeeze Ben's thigh. "Let's be on our way, then, shall we?"
Ben nodded, returned the squeeze of Qui's hand, and got out of the cab.
At the front door, a trim brunette in a bright red-and-white-striped sweater greeted them. She was remarkably average-looking until she smiled, when the world seemed to light up with welcoming warmth.
"Qui! You made it this year! Great!" She gave Qui a big hug before turning to Ben with a raised eyebrow.
"Cady, this is a friend of mine, Ben Kennan. He's a boarder at the place I moved to a few months ago. Ben, this is Cady Velt."
"Pleased to meet you." Cady hugged Ben before he had a chance to move. "A friend of Qui's is a friend of ours."
"Thanks. I'm glad to be here."
Cady turned back to Qui and put out a hand. "Same rules as usual, big boy."
"And it's a good rule, too." Qui handed over his car keys. "I wish more people did it."
"Can't be too careful." Cady tagged the keys and put them in a large key box by the front door, then locked the box. "Ben, I'm sure Qui'll get you oriented, but just a few house rules to get you started. Party's on this floor and the basement, so feel free to wander. No smoking indoors, no discussing politics or religion, and Jeff or I decide who gets their keys back when you boys are ready to leave. Jeff's wearing a sweater like mine so he should be easy to find." A knock on the front door sounded behind them. "I'd better get that. Oh, and rule number one is to have a good time." Cady waved them on their way with a big grin as she turned to get the door.
Qui took Ben further along the hallway and they found the room designated for coats, dropping theirs off and then moving to the main gathering.
Ben quickly observed that most people were casually dressed - jeans with a t-shirt, polo shirt and sweater or flannel topper was the dominant style. The party seemed to be spread across the large open areas at the center of the house; a dining room turned into a buffet and bar, living room with big stone fireplace, family room to one side with a stereo and flat-screen TV, an open door that offered a peek at a den. A large glass sliding door revealed an enclosed deck that was decorated but had the floor cleared for dancing.
They got drinks, beer from a keg for both of them, and began circulating so Qui could introduce Ben to people. Ben started losing track of names after the first dozen or so, but noticed that Qui's easy charm seemed to have earned him a lot of friends and acquaintances whose faces lit up when they saw the tall ranger and warmly returned embraces. Conversations were lively and the crowd varied quite a bit from new interns to long-time Forest Service employees and community volunteers.
After one pass through the room, Qui took Ben down a large stairway to the basement. A side hallway led to bathrooms and bedrooms, while in the middle was a huge rec room and second kitchen with more food and drinks. A pool table and two foosball tables were already occupied; six card tables had decks of cards and board games ready for use. A dart board hung near one corner where an air hockey game waited. Across the rec room they could see a few more rooms, one that looked like a media room and the other with a fireplace, couches and easy chairs. They grabbed plates of food before Qui started a round of the room, once more introducing Ben to people.
"This is quite a turnout, and this barbecue is great," said Ben as they sat on a couch near the fire for a few minutes. He took a big bite of his shredded pork sandwich.
"One of Jeff's specialties - he does all the meats while Cady whips up salads and desserts. They both love to experiment and have talked about starting a catering business after Jeff retires." Qui savored a spoonful of bread pudding.
"I imagine they'd have no problem getting customers. All of this stuff is pisser." Ben finished his sandwich and started on a pecan brownie.
"There's some folks upstairs I've been wanting to talk to, if you don't mind. I'll be around if you have any questions." Qui stood up. "Just join in wherever you feel like, and there'll probably be some line dances a little later up on the deck, if you like those."
"You go ahead; I'll be fine down here for a bit but I may come up for the dancing." Ben waved offhandedly as Qui took off. He ate the rest of his food and sipped the remains of his beer as he looked around. Finally, he decided to get a refill on both the beer and the excellent brownies.
Refreshments recharged, Ben watched the action at the pool table. From across the room, he thought he heard a familiar accent; Ben stopped and listened for a moment, smiled to himself, and headed toward the sound, finally locating the source inside the media room.
"Hey, wicked pisser shirt!" said Ben as he came up to a short-haired man in his late thirties with a 'Bostonian in Exile' t-shirt. A defiant cowlick stuck up from his thick brown hair.
The man looked at Ben and grinned. "Whoa, is there actually another civilized person here?"
The broad 'a's and dropped 'r's brought an answering grin to Ben's lips. "Sure enough. Ben Kennan." Ben stuck out a hand. "What's doin'?"
"Gavin Maloney," he said as he vigorously shook Ben's hand. "Well, ain't this a killer!" Gavin pulled Ben over to a corner with a cozy couch. "Talk to me, man, talk to me! Haven't heard proper English in frickin' forever!"
An hour and two more beers passed in the blink of an eye as the two men talked and reminisced. It turned out that Gavin was a team leader in the maintenance section for the Keogami station, vaguely knew Quilan Finn as one of several rangers who were the bane of his life for their lack of automotive knowledge and had lived here for over ten years. Mostly, though, they talked about Boston.
"Ah, that was the balls," enthused Gavin as he tossed back the last of his beer. "You don't realize how much you miss the damned place until you get a reminder like this."
"Yeah, definitely mad cool," agreed Ben.
"Tell you what, I got a few mates from the motor section here someplace and there're several east coasters you might like even if they're not from Boston. They're good joes, so let's see if I can't get you introduced around. Then how about we show these foreigners how foosball should be played, eh?"
"You're on!"
The two men wandered upstairs, found Gavin's friends and chatted a little. They saw Qui coming in from the deck, so Ben led Gavin over to talk briefly with the ranger, then they headed downstairs. Gavin put them down for next in line at one of the foosball tables, and for another hour they noisily held the table against all challengers.
A few minutes before midnight, Ben noticed that people were starting to drift upstairs; he asked Gavin what was up, but his new friend just grinned and said, "Let's go!" By the stroke of twelve, everybody had packed into the main room and turned silent. A huge cake with icing made up in a picture of the mountains was wheeled in; candles had been placed along the mountaintops.
Jeff stood up and gave a short speech thanking everybody for coming and paying homage to his wife, while she blushed at the exorbitant praise and tried to shush him. After he finished, everyone sang Happy Birthday while Jeff and Cady blew out the candles. There was much cheering and congratulating while the cake was cut, and Cady reminded everyone that there was still plenty of food and beer that needed to be disposed of, which brought another cheer.
Gavin took Ben's arm and leaned close. "They're probably gonna break out the karaoke machine on the deck, but I can't sing worth crap. Wanna go back down cellar?"
"Sounds good."
They took their plates of cakes downstairs, added cups of beer and drifted around. Two young women, Lorrie from the Keogami admin office and Megan, a transplant from New Hampshire who worked at the university, persuaded them into a game of Sorry at one of the tables. They ended up playing three rounds with Gavin taking one and Megan the other two. Afterwards, Lorrie, Gavin and Ben wandered off to the media room to chat and watch the Pictionary game that was in progress.
"Hey, Ben, how's it going?"
Ben looked up to find that Qui had materialized next to him. "Great. It's a wicked pisser party." He saluted Qui with his beer. "I'm glad you asked me to come."
"Folks are starting to leave, so I was thinking maybe it's time to help clean up and then head home, if you don't mind."
"Already?" Ben looked at his watch; it was a quarter after three. "Jesus, where did the time go!" He turned to his new friends. "Hey, guys, I don't want to overstay my welcome, so I think Qui's right."
"Not a problem, it is getting pretty late," said Lorrie. "Let's give Jeff and Cady a hand." Gavin agreed and suggested they start with the room where they were.
Lorrie got some bags from the downstairs kitchen and the team quickly gathered all the loose trash they could find. One of Jeff's friends was directing the people who had offered to help, so it was short work to get trash moved outside, empty kegs hauled up to the garage and leftover food put away. The foursome went upstairs to see if there was anything else to do, but that cleanup was almost finished. They gathered their coats and joined the procession lined up to thank their hosts and get car keys. Outside the house Gavin and Ben hugged again, Lorrie got in a hug and slipped Ben her card with a reminder to call and they all headed to their respective vehicles.
On the drive home, the combination of warmth in the truck's cab and more beer than he was used to drinking had Ben nodding off in the middle of telling Qui how great the evening had been and he barely noticed when Qui practically carried him downstairs to their basement home.
4 January Saturday
"Mmmmm..." Ben snuggled deeper under his blankets. He had a vague feeling that it was light out and pulled his pillow over his head. He was remarkably warm and comfortable and Ben luxuriated in the delicious feeling for a while. Unfortunately, he soon realized that he had another feeling that wasn't nearly so pleasant. He pushed the pillow away and cracked one eye open. "Damn," he croaked as the full glare of the morning sun hit him in the face at the same time his bladder poked more urgently. Ben slid across the empty bed and levered himself upright. He stumbled across the room, his progress interrupted by a huge yawn, stuck his head through the doorway just enough to ensure that their lower door was closed and scuttled over to the bathroom.
Several minutes later Ben was feeling much refreshed after relieving himself, brushing his teeth and downing a couple of aspirin with two glasses of water. He stepped back out into the main room and stretched as he watched his mate.
"Jesus, you're frigging energetic this morning." Ben idly scratched while Qui, his gray t-shirt soaked in sweat, kept pumping out pushups. "How long you been up?"
Qui did two more pushups before stopping and getting to his feet. "A couple of hours." He grabbed a towel from the weight machine and wiped his face. "Thought I'd let you snooze a little longer."
Ben glanced at a clock, looking twice to make sure it really said ten after eleven. "Damn, I didn't mean to sleep in that late." He yawned again.
"So, did you enjoy the party?" Qui grinned as he sat on the weight bench.
"Yeah, I did, a lot more than I thought I would." He gave a rueful smile. "It was great meeting Gavin and all, but I think I lost track of how much beer I was drinking. I hope I got some aspirin down in time to cut off the headache."
"A nice shower and some hot tea will fix you right up. I think Miss Tulack was having a nice time at the party, too."
"Tulack?"
"Lorrie Tulack, works in the front office at the station? The young lady firmly ensconced next to you on that couch?"
"Oh, yeah, Lorrie. Nice girl, but not really my type, you know." Ben saw the gleam in Qui's eye and was not getting sucked into that trap. He had made sure that he was sociable but not so friendly as to give her too much encouragement, although now he recalled that she did give him her phone number as they left. "I'm still stuffed so I'm not really hungry right now, but that shower sounds like a good idea. Did you have anything in particular you want to do today?"
"The roads were clear and dry and it's not supposed to snow again for a few days, so I was thinking we could go out for a long run this afternoon, then a nice easy Tai Chi session together. Maybe this evening we could do something with Jane and Rafa if they want."
"That's all good with me. I can wait if you want to shower now."
"You go ahead. I need to do some sets of weight work to finish up."
"Okay, thanks."
Since there was no rush, both men took their time and it was almost twelve-thirty before Qui and Ben were ready to go upstairs.
"You boys up for a light lunch?" asked Jane. "Rafa and I were just doing soup and sandwiches. Got a big jug of iced tea, too, if you'd like some."
"Soup and iced tea sounds like a winner," Qui answered. Ben nodded agreement, remarking that the chicken soup smelled delicious.
Over lunch they talked about the party. Jane was able to explain who some of the community people were from her own activities with various volunteer groups. Ben was feeling mellow, still buzzed from meeting new people, and anticipating a nice day together with his mate. They were clearing up when the doorbell rang and Rafa went to answer it.
Rafa reappeared a moment later. "Ben, it's the postman. He's got a certified package you need to sign for. I'll help finish the dishes."
Ben thanked her and went to the front door. He wasn't expecting any packages and had no idea what it could be. He was still puzzled after he signed for the 11 by 14 inch yellow envelope; the return address was a law firm in Boston he didn't recognize. He decided to take it downstairs.
Their table was clear so Ben set the package down on it. He found some scissors, sat down and carefully opened the thick tape, then drew out a single page and two more envelopes.
On top was a cover letter addressed to Mr. Benjamin Kennan. He wrinkled his nose at that before reading the rest.
"Hmmph!" snorted Ben. The page directed his attention to the provisions of enclosure one, then admonished him to abide by the provisions of enclosure two and finished up by further directing his attention to the pending hearing date of 7 January. The last sentence was a point of contact's name. "What the hell is this all about?"
Ben scowled at the package for a moment, shook his head and decided to first tackle the thick envelope marked as enclosure one. He carefully opened it, pulled out the legal-sized papers and started reading aloud.
"Wow, last will and testament of Lars Manton Donal Kennan the Second... oh yeah, that's right, Lars is the third so that makes father number two. Why am I getting this thing?" Ben glanced back at the return address on the package and decided it must be his parents' personal lawyer. It certainly wasn't the firm his father worked for, but he decided it made sense that they'd use someone different who specialized in estates and wills.
"Alright, let's see what we've got." Ben mumbled through twenty pages of dense legalese, occasionally exclaiming over some particularly obscure or seemingly petty provision. Finally, he came to a new codicil dated only a few weeks earlier. He sat up and pulled the paper closer when he saw his own name.
"I acknowledge the existence of my son Benjamin Sean Kennan but due to his inappropriate behavior, I have explicitly decided to make no provision for him as beneficiary. Benjamin Sean Kennan has caused me much emotional upset through his words, actions and disrespect toward his family, our church and toward me specifically. It is my clear and fully considered desire that Benjamin Sean Kennan have no contact with my family and derive no benefit from my death."
Ben blinked and read the paragraph aloud three more times before the full import began to sink in. He dropped the will and sat back, cold and dazed, mouth open, staring at the paper. Shoulders hunched, he had to wait for a wave of nausea to pass before he could refocus on the horrible words.
Time passed unheeded as Ben sat. Eventually he was able to shake his head as he whispered, "That fucking bastard! Why..."
Almost of its own volition his right hand reached out, hesitated, then began to trace the lines of dark ink across the creamy white surface as Ben mouthed the words. He still couldn't fully comprehend the feelings that must have driven his father to even think of such a thing, let alone commit it to paper. He shook his head again, eyes tearing as old wounds were torn open and bled afresh.
There was another long silence as Ben struggled with 'why'. He laid his hand flat on the paper as a new and very disturbing thought occurred to him. Ben picked up the will and began slowly perusing each of the few additional page, his jaw tight. When he finished the last signature, he turned the document face up and set it off to one side. At least there's nothing else in there, he thought, although what he had already seen was bad enough.
The second enclosure lay unopened on the table, a pale thin threat. Ben remembered the cover letter and its reference to a hearing; he swallowed as all sorts of nasty and lurid thoughts ran through his head about what it might contain. He was having trouble breathing and bit down hard on his lower lip to keep it from trembling. Finally, he could stand the suspense no longer, seized it and ripped it open. He grabbed the few sheets of paper inside and roughly pulled them out, tearing the edge of one in the process.
Thick black print, more legalese proclaiming the existence of a temporary restraining order, then the notice of a hearing scheduled for 5 January to determine the disposition of the order. Ominous words dryly notifying him that failure to appear or contest the order would result in the restraining order becoming permanent. Ben felt a wave of red anger flush through him.
"A restraining order? A friggin' restraining order?" Ben stood, crushing the paper in one hand. "That miserable, lying son of a bitch." He shook his head, this time in stunned disbelief. "HE'S the one who hit ME!"
Ben ground his teeth as his pulse pounded, a heavy beat hammering inside his head. He stood and threw the court documents down on the table. He felt muscles in the back of his neck tightening and had a sudden overwhelming urge to MOVE.
"Goddamned fucking son of a bitch bastard," Ben muttered as he paced around the main room. Back and forth, back and forth, shooting dark looks at the papers each time he passed the table, fighting the urge to hit, to kick, to destroy something, anything. Back and forth, not even aware of his words, stomping more than walking.
"Is something wrong?"
Ben whirled at the soft question behind him. Qui stood just inside the basement, door closed firmly behind him. His face was carefully neutral.
"Wrong?" Ben laughed harshly. A familiar knife of doubt, years in the making, suddenly twisted in his gut. Wasn't he the one who was always wrong? The one who was never good enough to earn his father's respect? Maybe he deserved what had happened.
"I could hear you from upstairs, Ben. Is there anything I could be doing to help?" Qui stayed where he was, hands at his side, obviously choosing his words with care.
"No," snapped Ben curtly. He went into the bedroom.
Qui followed him but kept his distance. "Ben, obviously something in that package has upset you. You have friends, Ben, and we just want to help."
"You want to help? Then leave me alone," Ben growled. He went to the window, turned, took a few steps, and stopped by his desk as he caught sight of his journal. "Right now I just need for you to leave me the fuck alone," he said as he hurled the journal as hard as he could against the wall. "That was certainly a fucking waste of time," Ben spit out as he shoved past Qui and went back into the main room to resume pacing.
"Is this about your father?" Qui moved to the middle of the room. "If you need to work this out or just want somebody to hit, you know I'm here for you, Ben."
Ben stamped blindly back to where Qui stood, a mallet still pounding in his head. "I want..." He grabbed the front of Qui's sweatshirt. His fists clenched into white-knuckled lumps as he stared up into Qui's blue eyes. He took a few deep ragged breaths as he held himself back, fear sending an icy spike up his spine as he remembered times he had screwed things up with the one person who mattered most in his life by giving in to his anger. Not now, not this time, I won't do this to him, Ben repeated to himself until he could finally loosen his grip enough to let go and step back. He suddenly thought of a comment Qui had made earlier that morning and grabbed the lifeline.
"I need to be alone for a little while," Ben said slowly. "I'm going for a run. By myself." Qui started to raise a hand but Ben cut him off. "Please. I need to do this." Qui nodded.
Ben turned away and almost ran into the table. He stared down at the papers, his expression stony. He spoke without facing Qui. "You want to know what's wrong, feel free to read that shit." Ben stalked into the bedroom.
The basement was quiet as Ben quickly changed, throwing on two sets of sweats and his running shoes. He flipped a towel around his neck, then jammed a ball cap on his head. Ben charged back into their main room and went out their private door so he wouldn't have to see Jane or Rafa. Forgetting the ice, he slipped twice getting up the stairs and down the long driveway.
Ben paused at the edge of the road. He briefly thought about turning back but immediately discarded the idea. He needed to move, to burn off the flood of emotions pouring through him. Ben picked a direction at random and set out.
For the next two hours Ben ran. Fortunately, traffic was light and the roads were dry, for Ben was oblivious to his surroundings and heedless of direction. His thoughts ran even more quickly than his feet, driving him relentlessly onward. Anger, rejection, increasing self-doubt. Reliving episodes of dashed hopes and shame from his younger years, that last fight with his father, seeing the words of his disownment again and again. His hard-won progress in reconciling his need for his father's love with his own self-worth seemed to dissolve and drift away like glittering dust on a breeze. Near the end of the third hour, his legs were quivering and he had beaten himself down to an internal lethargic dullness.
Ben slowed to a jog, then a walk to ease the cramps developing in his legs. He finally looked around to take stock of his surroundings and realized he didn't know where he was. The road stretched out before and behind him with only snow-covered trees and fields to each side. He shivered in his sweat-chilled clothes as the sun slipped down another notch toward late afternoon and a breeze ran frosty fingers across his chapped cheeks.
"Well, shit," muttered Ben. "Looks like I took a Dudley for sure. What a fuckin' chowderhead - didn't even think to bring the stupid cellphone."
Ben decided the direction he was going was as good as any. He took an urgently needed piss behind a nearby tree and then trudged onward, shoulders hunched against the increasing cold. Lost in his wretchedness, it took him a good ten minutes to realize that he had not seen any cars for quite a while but had been hearing an engine somewhere behind him for longer than he could remember. He stopped to listen but it didn't seem to get any closer. Ben turned around -a quarter mile behind him was a familiar battered truck sitting on the side of the road.
Too tired to smile or even feel, Ben walked toward the idling vehicle. He knocked on the driver's window and waited, having an anxious moment until Qui opened the door and got out.
"Hey, sorry about earlier," said Ben quietly. "Is your offer still open?"
"Aye, 'tis. I think we'd best start by getting you warmed up before you turn into an icicle."
Ben just nodded and let Qui walk him around to the other door, not even objecting when Qui yanked off his wet tops, pulled on a dry sweatshirt and bundled him into the cab with two blankets.
"Just a moment and let me get us off this road." Qui quickly found a graveled side lane and pulled in, turning around so they were facing out, but left the engine idling. He reached behind the seat and retrieved a big thermos. He shook it for a few minutes before pouring a generous serving of steaming cocoa and handing it to Ben.
"Thanks." Ben carefully cradled the mug in his icy hands and took slow sips.
There was a long silence before Ben finally spoke. "Sorry you had to come looking for me."
"Didn't."
Ben blinked at the laconic answer. "But how..."
"Figured out which direction you went and then followed you."
"Oh."
There was another silence as Ben finished his cocoa, then sat with his head bowed.
"Don't." Qui reached over and gently pulled the mug out of Ben's hands.
"Don't what?"
"Don't be guilting yourself because you're thinking I wasted three hours to make sure you got back in one piece." He poured more cocoa into the mug and handed it back. "Twas my choice and worth the effort."
"Umm..." Ben couldn't come up with any other words because that was exactly what he had been doing, creating a frosting of guilt on the muddled marble cake of his turbulent emotions. He took a drink of cocoa instead.
"Read the papers you left on the table."
Ben swallowed, not sure he was ready to talk yet, not sure he even knew what he wanted to say. He cleared his throat. "I need a little more time."
"Aye, that's fine. A hot shower would probably be better for you about now anyway." Qui put the thermos next to Ben along with a wax paper packet. "More cocoa and some sandwiches if you want them." He put the truck in gear.
"Qui, did you..."
His mate seemed to divine Ben's thoughts. "No. It's your choice of who you want be to telling such things." He glanced at Ben. "You'll know when you're ready."
Ben nodded. "Thanks."
The sun had smeared the sky with dusky oranges and dark blues by the time they got home. They gathered everything and Qui led the way without a word around to their private entrance. Once they were inside, Ben looked first at the table; Qui had evidently put all the papers neatly back into their envelopes and then into the mailer, which now sat in the middle of the table. Ben went to the table and stared, his gut twisting, while Qui put the blankets away and dropped wet clothes in Ben's hamper.
"Ben."
"Hmm?" Ben started at the hand on his shoulder, then shook himself.
"You go ahead and take a shower. I'll fetch some dinner so we can eat down here tonight."
"But what about Jane? And Rafa?"
"You'll need to deal with them at some point, but not right now." Qui put a finger under Ben's chin and forced him to look up. "They heard you earlier and they're certainly aware that there's something wrong, but I know they care enough about you to give you time to sort things out. Just like I know that you will tell them when you're ready and not leave them hanging in the dark."
Ben gave a weak half-smile and nodded. "Alright."
After a hot shower and a meal, Ben did feel better but was still restless after recovering from his run. He took the mailer from the table and shoved it into a drawer of his desk, then paced back and forth, trying to think about what to do, until the limited space of the bedroom felt too constricting. He went out to their main room; Qui was on the couch reading a paperback. Ben wandered around, did a few desultory sets of weight routines, gave that up and finally went over and plopped down on the other end of the couch with a sigh.
Qui put his book away. "Is there anything at all you'd be wanting to talk about?"
"I don't know where to begin." Ben leaned forward, elbows on his knees and hands hanging down. "Here I thought I was starting to really get things together, you know, and life was looking good, better than it has in a long time." He sighed again. "Then this damned thing shows up."
"'Tis pretty serious." Qui nodded. "Even under all those legal words, it did sound downright vindictive."
"Yeah, once he has it in for people my father can be a number one asshole about screwing them over. Given the stories he used to tell at home or the club, it sounded like he really enjoyed it, too."
"Not a very nice person."
"No, I guess not. But he's still my father, and I didn't really start to understand that part of him until I was in my teens."
"Aye, that can be hard to deal with if you didn't know any different."
Ben leaned back in the sofa and stared out sightlessly. "For the longest time all I ever wanted was to be like him so he'd love me and I worked my ass off trying to earn his respect. The older I got, though, the less I could bring myself to do the kinds of things he did and treat people the way he did. That didn't mean I wanted any less for him to like me, to be proud of me."
"Nor should it. 'Tis natural for a son to have such feelings, even if you decide he's not really a nice person. I still loved my da even after he started drinking himself to sleep almost every night."
Ben chewed on his lower lip while he tried to get a handle on his roiling emotions. "He really can be very vindictive," he repeated abruptly. "But that's a pretty big step to take, lying under oath to get that restraining order. Isn't that perjury?"
"Aye, 'tis." Qui seemed content to follow wherever Ben wanted to take the conversation.
"I think I could deal with the will shit. After all, he already threw me out of the house and told me never to come back, so I've been kind of working through that for a while now." Ben rubbed his chin. "Lars was always father's favorite and a jerk besides, so it's not like I ever really liked him, so I don't care what he gets from the deal. And he can't stop Maureen from loving me." Ben didn't mention his mother; Maureen insisted that she was willing to try to be on his side, but he wasn't sure what his feelings were about her now that he had been written out of the will. That was something he would have to think about later.
"Those are good points to consider."
"That restraining order, though, knowing he could try to have the police haul me away if I ever go home or try to see him... that's rough. The will was pure spite, but when I read that court stuff I felt like I'd been stabbed in the back." Ben finally glanced at Qui. "I realize that he's a lawyer and knows a lot of other lawyers, but he lied to the police or the court or whoever he had to in order to get that thing through. What that paper says is not what happened, but his version is official."
"Were you after wanting to try to get it thrown out? It's not permanent yet."
"I don't know. The damned hearing is only a few days away and it's in Boston. I probably can't make that and dammit, he knows it, probably counted on it." Ben shook his head. "Even if I dug into my savings to go back there and get a lawyer, my father is a big wheel in society, he's got a lot of money and powerful friends. Hell, I can't even afford the right kind of clothes to wear to court. If it comes down to my word against his, I know who the judge is more likely to believe. I don't think it's worth wasting the money or time." Ben's line of thoughts took another jump. "You know, he's got my address so that means he knows where I live now," he fretted. "I'm sure Maureen would never have told him, so he must have gone to some trouble to find me. What if he tries anything else?"
"There are a lot of ways your address could have showed up. Jaysus, it's not like you've been hiding from the world, Ben. You've got a proper job, you've got your motorcycle registered, that sort of thing. Today it's not so hard to find somebody if you've got the right resources. I'd be betting that he didn't do a thing himself - probably got one of his minions to look it up. I suspect your father doesn't really care where you live."
Ben thought about that for a moment. "I guess you could be right," he reluctantly conceded. His anger sparked back into life. "Dammit, it's all just so unfair! If he can't like me, why does he have to hate me so much and fuck with my life?"
Qui reached out and pulled Ben in, holding him close. "Life isn't always fair, Ben. I'd make it right for you if I could, but I can't. We'll have to work through this together."
Ben resisted for a moment, then melted into Qui's hug. "I know. It's just... so hard sometimes."
"It'll work out, one way or another," murmured Qui.
They sat together for a long time, silent save for the comforting creaks and groans of the old house. Finally, Qui persuaded Ben to go to bed even though it was early, and they retreated to their room. Despite Qui's embrace, sleep did not come easily to Ben. Fractured dreams disturbed his rest, small festering wounds that ate at his self-confidence and fed the suppurating fears that there really was something wrong with him and that he would never be good enough, certainly not good enough for his father. If his own father hated him, how could he expect anyone else to love him.
5 January Sunday
Ben was still tired when he woke the next morning. His eyes felt scratchy when he glanced at the alarm clock and saw that it registered a little after seven. Something didn't feel right; it took him a moment to realize that there was no warm bulk blocking his view of the timepiece. He sat upright. Nope, no Quilan Finn in the room and an ominous silence seemed to envelop the entire area. An irrational foreboding, a remnant of his dreams, drove him out of bed to the clearly empty main room. A seed of panic started to grow in the fertile ground of his resuscitated self-doubts.
The door to the stairway opened with a click. "Ben, you're up. Good thing I brought a second cup." Qui deposited a tray with a pot of tea, two mugs, sugar and milk on their table before saying mildly, "'Tis a little chilly to be wandering about in the altogether, don't you think? The furnace just kicked in a few minutes ago."
Ben took a deep breath, feeling both silly and cold. Of course Qui was still here, and, yes, it was damned cold. He could see the goosebumps up and down his arms, but he wasn't sure which feeling was worse. "Uh, yeah. Let me put some clothes on." Now that he was calmer, he belatedly recognized the stiffness in his legs and winced as he turned away. A few minutes later Ben returned after donning jeans, t-shirt and sweatshirt. He made a quick stop in the bathroom before joining Qui at the table,
Qui poured tea into Ben's mug before speaking. "Would you like to be doing a round of Tai Chi later? 'Twould help stretch you out before it gets worse."
"I don't think I'm up for Tai Chi today."
"How about liniment and some general stretching?" Qui was concentrating on his tea and obviously trying to be casual. "I'd rather not be having to carry you up and down the stairs because your muscles got too tight."
"Good point," Ben conceded. He didn't feel like doing anything at all, but at least he could acknowledge the practicality of Qui's suggestion. "Thanks, liniment would be good. If you could loan me the bottle, I'll put some on and stretch."
Qui nodded, tactfully ignoring Ben's omission of a request to massage the liniment in.
Silence descended as they sipped their tea, slowly finishing off the pot. Ben stared at the empty fireplace and blindly accepted whatever Qui put in his mug.
"I'll be taking the crockery upstairs if you're finished," said Qui eventually. "Would you be after wanting some breakfast?"
Ben started, realized his mug had been empty for a while. He shook his head. "I'm not really hungry right now. Maybe I'll have something later."
"Alright." Qui stood, stretched, then gathered the tea things onto the tray. "See you in a bit."
Ben sat on the couch for a while, not really feeling anything but a dreary insipidness as his thoughts chased each other in the same endless circle. He caught himself dozing off and got to his feet to walk around a little. The fifth time he passed the bedroom door, he hesitated, then went in and sat at the desk. Like a mouse drawn to a snake, he retrieved the mailer from its drawer and pulled out the documents that had shattered his contentment and equanimity the day before.
Over and over Ben read the documents, struggling to understand what emotions could drive a person to disinherit his own son and perjure himself to get a restraining order. He knew that his father was a homophobe, but could his father really hate him that much just because he was gay? Or was it something else, something disgusting and repugnant about Ben himself? He knew he had not been planned or desired - could that have anything to do with it? Ben was no closer to an answer when he heard boots clatter down the stairs.
"Here's the bottle of liniment." Qui put the plastic bottle on the edge of Ben's desk. "Feel free to use as much as you need."
"Thanks. I'll do some stretching exercises a little later, too."
"Jane was asking if you were coming up for lunch and dinner, so she'd know how much food to be setting out."
"Oh, umm..." Ben glanced at the clock, surprised to see that it was almost noon. He still wasn't hungry, but he decided he should at least put in an appearance. "Yeah, I'll be there."
"I'll let her know. Lunch is in twenty minutes." Qui nodded and left.
Ben gathered the papers and put them back in the mailer. He set his jaw; there was at least one part of his upbringing he could honor. Duty and responsibility had been drilled into him from his youngest days. Jane had taken him in when he was in desperate straits and Rafa had also welcomed Qui as part of their little family when they had sought her blessing. If they were worried about him, he needed to at least let them know what the problem was, even if he wasn't ready to discuss it with them. He put the mailer under his arm and marched upstairs. Ben left the package on a side counter before getting out plates and silverware to help set the table.
"Hello, Ben," said Jane from her place at the stove. "Doing grilled cheese for lunch today - would you like plain, ham and cheese or turkey and cheese?"
"Ham and cheese would be good; just one is fine. Thanks." Ben fetched a pitcher of water from the refrigerator and took it with him to the table.
Lunch passed slowly for Ben. He kept his head down, managed to get through all of his sandwich and picked at his potato salad while the other three chatted amongst themselves. It was not until Jane brought out fresh cookies for dessert that Ben spoke up.
"Um, hey, everybody." Ben waited a moment until all three people were looking at him. "I, uh, just wanted to apologize for not being all here. I got some bad news from Boston yesterday and I'm still trying to figure it out." He gave a half smile. "Nothing urgent or anybody sick or anything like that, just something I need to think about. If you want to read the documents for yourself it's okay - I left them on the counter over there. I'm not ready to talk about what's in there yet, but I thought you should know what's going on and why I haven't been very sociable. Qui's already seen them and knows some of the background if you want to discuss it with him."
"That's right nice of you, Ben," said Jane gently. "We were kind of worried about you, but it's fine if you need time to work things out in your head. If and when you're ready, I'm sure any of us would be willing to do whatever we can to help." Rafa and Qui nodded agreement.
"Thanks, I appreciate that." Ben stood up. "If you don't mind, I'll just head back downstairs."
"Of course, son. We'll see you later."
In his bedroom, Ben changed from jeans to a pair of loose shorts before taking the liniment to the bathroom. He applied liberal amounts of the pungent lotion in between careful stretches; he felt better physically when he was finished and emotionally for having passed on his bad news to Jane and Rafa. He still needed a distraction, however, to keep him from brooding. Since he was in the bathroom, Ben decided to clean the room. Shortly after he started, Qui stopped by and asked if Ben needed help, but Ben sent him on his way with an abrupt negative. Making the bathroom squeaky clean took less than an hour, so Ben straightened out the basement, swept the floor, changed the sheets, did laundry, even folded clean underwear and socks, any mindless task he could think of to occupy himself. Since he still smelled faintly of liniment, he took a shower and cleaned up after himself again. That got him to dinner, which was another quiet affair, after which he returned downstairs alone.
Ben went into the bedroom and stood still. On his desk was his cellphone in its charger; he thought about calling Maureen, which was normally the sort of thing he would have done almost immediately upon getting a jolt such as the arrival of the package. Ben found himself oddly reluctant to pick up the phone this time. He knew his sister was in the middle of getting ready to go back to Washington from their home in Boston, perhaps was even already on the way. He still hadn't figured out how to deal with his own feelings and didn't want to just cry on her shoulder when she was so busy. Ben let himself believe that for all of thirty seconds before admitting that he didn't want to call because he knew the discussion could eventually come around to his mother and any part she might have had in the creation of the disownment and restraining order; he was definitely not ready for that conversation. He and Maureen agreed on their dislike for their father and older sibling, but had distinctly different views about their maternal parent and where she fit in their lives. Ben shook his head - that phone call could wait a little longer.
Peeking out from under the end of the bed was Ben's journal, still lying where it had settled after Ben had thrown it at the wall. Ben stared at it for a moment before sighing, picking it up and taking it to his desk. He brushed the dust off and fingered the dented corner; the book represented a lot of work and a lot of the changes in his life over the past year.
Ben ran his fingers over the cover as he remembered how it had originated. The painful question and answer session a reluctant ranger had conducted those many months ago had been the real start of their relationship and the first step in Ben's attempt to conquer the demons roaming the back of his mind and to remake himself into a better person, a person he hoped might be worthy of that ranger's friendship. Ben began flipping through the sections.
The early scribblings in his journal now seemed foolish and juvenile to Ben. The many doodles of Qui's profile made him shake his head. What a greedy little bastard he had been, infatuated and impatient, wanting his prize without the work needed to earn it. There were sections that were hard to re-read, raw memories from his youth about his experiences with his family, particularly his father; those almost always ended badly with yet another broken promise, casual dismissal or disappointment.
Other pages made Ben smile: his promotion to a full-time job at Midway; his visit from Maureen; that nerve-wracking moment when Qui discovered Ben was gay but was fine with it; and the day Qui moved in. There were thoughtful and happy sections about his new 'family' with Jane, Rafa and then Qui.
Ben paused and thought for a little while, tapping his finger on an open page. He turned to the back of the book and pulled out the scan he had made after Christmas; the picture that Linda had drawn of their group as cats made him smile. Dammit, there were good things in his life and he should focus on that. He was learning to stand on his own two feet and be responsible.
A little voice in his head whispered otherwise. What about some of those other things, it asked. What about the stupid things you've done and the problems you still have? What about that letter you just got? What if you're just fooling yourself again and your father was right to disown you? What else is going to come crashing down to screw up your world?
Ben grudgingly dragged his attention back to the contents of his journal. He forced himself to read the remaining sections and wasn't at all happy with those recollections: jealousy, naivety, willful pride, anger. Ben winced at some of the episodes and what a jerk he had been. Trying to be honest with himself, he had to admit he still had not overcome many of his faults. The more he read, in fact, the more he began to wonder just what it was Qui saw in him. Even just a few days ago before they went into the party, he remembered, Qui had obviously thought it necessary to remind him about controlling his jealousy. Since getting that damned package, he had been nothing but curt and dismissive to the man who wanted to help him.
Ben closed the journal and sat with his head in his hands while his demons played havoc with his feelings. Come to think of it, Qui had barely been around all day. What if he was driving Qui away because he was still such a jerk?
Banging and thumping in the main room made Ben sit up.
"Ben, how are you doing?" Qui leaned against the door frame.
Ben swallowed and cleared his throat. "Okay, I guess."
Qui came over to stand next to the desk. "Been working in your journal?" He tapped the cover. "I still do one myself occasionally." He gave a self-deprecating shrug. "Don't keep it up nearly as often as I should."
At the moment Ben was wishing he'd never started his, the reminders of his failures heavily outweighing the joys and successes. "It takes an effort to stay with it, I suppose."
"Aye." Qui paused, his eyes going distant for a moment as if recalling old memories. He quickly continued, "I've built a fire. Why don't you come out and sit with me?"
"I don't know... I'm not very good company right now."
"Let me rephrase that for you, Ben. I'm very much wanting you to come sit with me. It's time for us to talk."
Ben licked his lower lip, his gut cold and leaden. He didn't want to do this, not the way he was feeling right now, but it looked like he wasn't really going to have a choice. Not trusting himself to speak, he simply nodded and followed Qui out.
Most of the lights had been turned off, leaving a single lamp and the fire to provide illumination. Ben waited until Qui sat down, then gingerly seated himself a few feet away on the couch.
Despite being the one who had said they needed to talk, Qui seemed in no hurry to say anything. He settled himself comfortably, one arm along the top of the couch and long legs stretched out. Qui appeared perfectly content to just sit and contemplate the flames.
Ben fidgeted until he could stand the silence no longer. "Qui, I want to apologize for the last couple of days. We took leave so we could be together, do some things together... and I've just really screwed that up."
"There's nothing to be apologizing for, Ben. It was disappointing, but nobody can predict the future and when something like that crap from your father is going to show up. You've got to deal with that before you can move on."
"I'm not sure I'm 'dealing' very well. I've been thinking about it a lot, but I still can't understand why he had to do that. And then when I was going through my journal tonight, I kept remembering things that happened between us, things I've messed up... and maybe thinking I'm not such a great person or very good son. There must be something somewhere..."
"Bullshit." Qui turned his head to look at Ben. "If you won't say it, I will. From everything you've told me and what I've seen of his actions, your father is a prejudiced homophobic dickbrain gobshite. You said he claims he objects to gays for religious reasons and I'm telling you that is also bullshit and just an excuse for him to practice his bigotry. I appreciate the fact that he is your father and you probably don't like what I just said, but at some point you need to figure out that he is the problem, not you, and either stop making excuses for him or accept the power he has to keep hurting you."
Ben started to open his mouth, stopped halfway, tried again, but couldn't get any words out past his shock at Qui's blunt speech that had been delivered in a perfectly calm, matter-of-fact manner.
"After you stop garbling like a fish out of water," said Qui dryly, "feel free to take a swing at me if that makes you feel better. Then perhaps we can actually have a conversation."
Ben finally recovered enough wits to blurt out, "That's my father you're talking about, goddammit!"
"Aye."
"Homophobic dickbrain gobshite," repeated Ben incredulously.
"Aye, a poof-hating mac soith who would probably like nothing better than to see every fag like you burn in hell."
Like a match to a fuse, Ben suddenly saw red as he flashed back to his last night at home. He cursed, jumped up and swung blindly. He was only vaguely aware of his fist connecting somewhere in the middle of a tall body that seemed to sidestep most of the force of his blow. He tried to lunge forward and swing again but found himself locked in the iron grip of two long arms. Ben struggled for a moment before collapsing against Qui.
"Jesus, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
"Shhh, it's alright. Calm down, take a deep breath."
Ben took several deep breaths, his eyes closed. "I'm okay," he finally said. He felt Qui lower him to the sofa. When he opened his eyes, he was horrified because of what he'd almost done.
"Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry!" Guilt rushed in shuddering waves through Ben.
"Don't be. I gave you permission and I provoked it." Qui paused. "That's what he called you when you had your dustup with your old man, wasn't it?"
Ben nodded miserably. "A fag and a lot of other nasty things, but mostly a fag."
"Do you understand what I was trying to do, Ben?"
"I... I don't think so."
"I was trying to find the trigger that would make you see the power of words and ideas. Words can have incredible power for good or bad. Your father is a lawyer and I'm sure he knows that very well. He also knew how to use words get to you. He did it then and he's still doing it today."
"He always was good at that."
"If you understand that idea, then you understand how to take back that power."
"What do you mean?"
"You take the words that hurt, you claim them for yourself and you deny others the power to use them against you to hurt you or influence your self-image."
"Just like that?"
"I'm not saying it's easy, but if you make a conscious effort and keep working on it, then it's possible. Just like you need to recognize your father's attitude, put it out in the light of day to expose it for the ugliness it is and deny him the power to keep hurting you. Take the power back, feel sorry for his puny prejudiced soul, admit to yourself that your life is your own for good or ill and get on with things."
"Wow. I guess I've never looked at it that way."
"Think about it. I'll be right back."
Ben pushed away his lingering guilt and tried to open his mind to this new way of thinking. He was starting to see the light, but it seemed to be floating at the far side of a dark chasm.
"Here you go." Qui held out a glass of water to Ben.
Ben took the glass, then sipped some of the water as he slumped back into the cushions. "I think what you said is making sense. Was that what you wanted to talk about?"
"Partly. It was certainly the first portion of what we need to discuss." Qui sat down sideways to face Ben. "Look, we've not really been together all that long and there's still a lot we don't really know about each other. What just happened is a good example. I wanted to let you work this problem out for yourself, but I found out that sometimes I only have so much patience for letting you keep wallowing in pain when the solution seems so obvious to me."
"I was not wallowing!" replied Ben, his voice intensifying a little.
"Wallowing as deep as a pig in fresh mud, you were. And thrashing up against the same problem over and over like an old woman beating a rug at spring cleaning."
Ben steamed for a minute, his lips tight, while Qui stared him down with a raised eyebrow, daring him to say something different. "Alright, dammit. Wallowing." Ben raised a finger and tapped his chest. "But it was MY problem to solve."
"It became our problem once you started going round and round and were too fucking stubborn to ask for help. It hurts me when I have to watch you hurting."
Ben stared at Qui's grim expression, then dropped his eyes. "Point taken." This was clearly something else he'd have to think about.
Qui lightened up, let his hand briefly caress Ben's cheek. "I wouldn't bother if I didn't care. I thought you knew that by now."
"Yeah, but knowing and remembering are not always the same thing."
"Aye, I'll give you that point." Qui nodded once. "To get back to the first part of this conversation, I got impatient. From my point of view, the fundamental problem was getting you to understand that you are a good person and that you have to take control of your life away from people that want to hurt you. And the second part I want to bring up is that I think maybe we need to be making some decisions about a change in this relationship of ours."
Ben's heart jumped and his pulse started pounding. He hadn't recovered from Qui's first 'lesson' nor from the insidious self-doubt that had blossomed anew over the last two days; he was still very edgy inside. "Decisions? Changes?" He leapt to what was surely the obvious conclusion. "Look, I know I didn't handle things very well and I know I've got some other faults, but I can change." Words tumbled out faster. "You don't have to think about leaving. I promise I'll work harder. Or if I'm not giving you enough space -"
"Ben! Ben! Hold up, dammit."
" - I CAN change, honest, just tell me what you want and -" Ben's fear made his voice higher and his hands started to tremble.
Qui grabbed his lover and put a hand over his mouth, holding it there. "Ben, listen to me, calm down, calm down." He waited until Ben was breathing normally. "Will you give me a chance to explain?" Only after Ben nodded did Qui release him. He waited another moment, watching warily, before standing up.
'Jaysus, I really made a bollocks of that." Qui sighed and started again. "Ben, you are a good man and I want you, need you, to believe that." Qui shook his head. "Shite, I'm an eejit and I'm going about this all wrong. Promise me you'll stay right there?"
Ben nodded. His heart was still racing but he was mystified by what Qui wanted. He sat on the couch and watched as Qui went around to the trophy case next to his desk and rummaged in a small drawer.
When Qui returned, he had one hand clenched into a loose fist. He stood looking at Ben, an uncharacteristic blush barely visible on his cheeks.
"Ben, neither of us is perfect, but what we have together is special and better than the two of us apart. We've both got plenty of faults and I'm sure we'll be pissing each other off or hurting each other at times. We don't know where life's road will be taking either of us, but we can make it down that road together if we work on it and listen and are honest with each other and..." Qui hesitated.
Ben looked up, his mouth hanging half open in bafflement at the rambling speech. "What the fuck are you trying to say?"
Qui looked back, took a deep breath, then dropped to one knee. "Ben Kennan, I love you. Will you commit to share our lives together?"
Ben gawked. "Do you mean... forever?"
"Aye. I can't promise you where we'll end up or that we'll be having some sort of paradise together, but I know you are the man I want to be sharing the rest of my life with. You've seen a little of my rough edges, what kind of life I lead and the work I do and there's some of that I can't change, but if you stay with me, I promise I'll try my damnedest to make you as happy as I can."
Ben stared into Qui's blue eyes. He was too stunned for his brain to create more words for his mouth to utter.
"Ben? I know this is kind of sudden, and I'll understand if you're still mad at me from earlier, but - "
"Shut up."
"What?"
"Shut up and kiss me! I love you, always and forever." Ben slipped off the couch to his knees as a big smile appeared on Qui's face.
They met halfway and held each other tight. Ben was in a trance as their kiss seemed to go on endlessly, their heats beating as one and their breath joined in unison. Eventually they stopped, took two deep breaths, grinned, and did it again.
The crack of a log crashing in the fireplace was the next sound Ben was aware of. He and Qui leaned back against the base of the couch, arms still around each other. Ben's lips stung but he didn't care.
"Maybe someday we could even get married," Ben whispered.
"Aye, I don't know how or when, but we'll make it happen someday, love. We've both still got a lot of issues to sort out, but together we'll keep working and helping each other to get through things."
Ben shifted when a couple of hard knuckles dug into his back. "What the hell?"
"Oh, I almost forgot." Qui let go of Ben and brought his closed hand around between them. "This is something that's been in my family a long time. My da gave it to my ma when they got engaged."
Ben watched, barely breathing, as Qui pulled out a gleaming silver chain and held it in his two hands. On the chain was a round emblem: Celtic knots ran around the worn border and in the center two hands held a heart topped by a crown between them.
"It's a claddagh. The heart stands for love, the hands for friendship and the crown is for loyalty. I would be honored if you'll accept this as a token of our love, our commitment to each other, until we can be together all legal and proper-like."
"It would be my honor to wear it." Ben took one of Qui's hands in each of his and together they gently guided the chain over his head until the pendant came to rest below the base Ben's neck. "Just like it belongs there," Ben murmured.
Qui leaned down and kissed the pendant. "Aye, it's perfect."
Ben shifted over until he was between Qui's outstretched legs, his back against his lover's chest. Qui wrapped his arms around Ben and held him close. Together, they sat as one in their private world, watching the fire as their love kept them warm. The last thing Ben remembered hearing before he drifted off to sleep was a quiet whisper in his ear, "Is tú mo ghrá go deo."
finis
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Notes: Irish phrases
1. I love you in Irish Is tú mo ghrá Iss two muh guhraw
2. "is tú mo ghrá go deo" - i love you forever
3. mac soith - son of a bitch
Boston phrase - to 'take a Dudley' is to get lost
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