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Fandom: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

Disclaimer: Lucasfilm and George own the universe and everything in it. We are all just peons living on borrowed time.

Archive: MA, Opposites Attract

Category: Qui/Other, Non Q/O, Humor

Pairing: Qui-Gon Jinn/Darth Maul

Rating: PG-13, holiday humour, implied appliance abuse

Summary: It's Life Day at the Temple, and Maul tries to help out--in his own way.

Feedback: Yes, off list

Author's website: http://elektra.wrongness.net/

Qui-Gon's arms were filled with packages and bags piled high against his chest, threatening to fall at any moment. He shifted them from one side, then the other. The activation panel for the door to his quarters was just a little too high for his knee to reach...or his finger. Making sure no one was looking, Qui-Gon Force-levitated a small box out of the top bag and threw it at the panel. The door swished open.

"If abuse the Force you do," Yoda's voice rang out loudly, causing Qui-Gon to drop everything in his arms. Then the voice changed, becoming deeper and more husky. "No presents on Life Day do you receive."

Qui-Gon looked up from the pile of boxes and bags laying haphazard around his feet to see Maul lounging against the wall, watching him with amusement sparking in his yellow eyes. "Oh, ha ha, very funny," Qui-Gon directed towards the Sith. He bent down and began shoving the items back into their bags.

"I just thought I'd remind you that you better be good--Yoda is watching you." Maul pushed himself off the comfortable wall and sauntered over, not even hesitating before he joined Qui-Gon on the floor, helping him pick up the Life Day presents he had just bought.

Qui-Gon scoffed at Maul's reminder. It was something they told the children of the creche, not something for the Masters. "If Yoda is watching us, he's probably getting quite a good show."

Maul chuckled, then picked up half of the presents and carried them to Qui-Gon's bedroom. The Jedi quickly followed, grateful for the help and for finally being able to dump the heavy items. Walking through Coruscant was difficult at the best of times, but with the holiday crowds and with two arm-fulls of packages to protect, it was nearly impossible.

Maul ran his eyes over the packages, probably in the hopes of finding out what Qui-Gon had gotten him for Life Day. "Not a chance. I bought your gift weeks ago." One half of Maul's brow arched up as an idea all but pinged into his mind. "And you won't find where I've hidden it so don't even try."

Maul mock-pouted, tilting his head to the side and sticking out his bottom lip. It only served to make him look incredibly sexy rather than petulant. Then he spotted a bright pink box hidden under the electro-shaver. Before Qui-Gon could head him off, Maul was pulling it out from under the pile, reading aloud the description on the side. His silky voice did a perfect imitation of a sleazy announcer. "'Tired of spending hours every morning twisting your Padawan braid, only to have it fall out before you put on the second band? No longer! The Twirl-a-Braid from JediCo will solve all your braiding needs.'"

Maul turned the box, examining the helpful how-to pictures on the side. Then he shot Qui-Gon an amused smirk. "What, the Padawan Twit can't braid his own braid? Are you sure you want to get him something with moving parts? He might get it stuck in his hair." Maul got a devilish look on his face--well, a more devilish look--as he ran a finger over the image on the package, outlining the smooth hand-grip of the Twirl-a-Braid. "Or use it for things it wasn't intended."

Qui-Gon swiped the box out of Maul's hand and tossed it back onto the pile. "That was an electro-toothbrush, and he was sixteen at the time. I'm sure he's matured--" He paused at Maul's incredulous scoff. "He is a mature Padawan now," Qui-Gon continued, his voice serious. "I'm sure he wouldn't--" Again, Maul scoffed, only louder. "Oh, okay, it probably won't last the week. But it's the thought that counts."

Maul started to reach out to pick up something else, no doubt to make disparaging remarks about the one for which the gift was intended, but Qui-Gon batted away his hand. "I've got a lot of work to do. Why don't you go out and start decorating the tree? Obi-Wan should have brought out all the decorations."

Maul nodded his head, backing away slowly as Qui-Gon picked up the tape dispenser. The last time he had tried to 'help' Qui-Gon wrap packages, he'd ended up with a bit of tape on a hard to reach area. Running around for fifteen minutes trying to wiggle it off was not a very Sithly thing to do, and Maul swore to never help Qui-Gon again. "I know where Obi-twit put the boxes," he said, nodding his head. Maul started to walk out of the room, but at the last minute he turned and ran for the closet. Throwing open the door, he shouted, "AH-HA!"

"I didn't put your gift in the closet, Maul," Qui-Gon called over calmly, measuring out wrapping paper for the first gift.

Sure enough, all Maul could find was hanger after hanger of beige and brown clothes. No gifts. "I knew that. No one would hide a gift for a Sith Lord in a closet. That's just silly. I was just..." he pushed aside a couple of the hangers, making sure there wasn't a big box concealed behind them. "Just checking to see if you had done your laundry."

Qui-Gon smiled to himself. "You know I did," he said aloud, carefully folding the wrapping paper up at the proper angle. "Or have you forgotten the spin cycle incident?"

Maul wiggled his butt, then finally backed out of the closet. "I don't think Adi Gallia will forget it either."

Qui-Gon's mouth twitched in a smile as he remembered back to her face when she had walked in. "I still think you owe her an apology for... the unfortunate incident with her load. That's why I'm putting both our names on her gift."

"Let me guess--Towels?" Maul cackled with laughter.

"That would be very evil," Qui-Gon scolded half-heartedly, trying to hold back his laughter.

Maul quirked a smile. "Naturally." Finally, Maul left the room to go decorate the Life Day tree.

"Finished!" Qui-Gon announced to--well, himself, really. Maul never came back into the room, so Qui-Gon assumed he was still decorating. It had taken a long time, however, to wrap every package; Maul should have been done by now. Getting a bad feeling, Qui-Gon extracted himself from scrap paper bits, tape, and little ribbons that clung to his tunics, and made his way to the common room to see what was going on.

The hallway outside the bedroom was dark, but there was a red-tinted glow emanating from the common room. Qui-Gon stepped towards it, his weight on the balls of his feet, ready to run for the fire extinguisher should the need arise. Carefully, he leaned around the corner, his gaze sweeping through the room in a quick movement.

There, in the center of the room, was a tall, dark figure. A black cloak concealed its body completely. The red glow seeped out from under the cloak, showing no shadow that could be feet. Slowly, the figure turned, even though Qui-Gon was sure he hadn't made a sound to attract its attention. The arms unfolded, stretching out to show bright red light where hands should be. The cloak fell back a little, revealing nothing but darkness beneath, and two red, glowing eyes.

"Gah!" Qui-Gon shouted, backpedaling. His boot caught on something, and he fell to the floor with a bone-jarring THUMP. The figure seemed to glide forward, coming towards Qui-Gon with arms outstretched, ready to snatch him up. It gave an eerie screeching shriek as it moved forward.

/Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!/

'Lightsaber!' Qui-Gon thought, but his hands couldn't find it at his belt. He'd taken it off to keep the tape from gluing itself to the casing. The ghastly figure was coming closer...and closer...and closer...

And then everything went black.

Qui-Gon screamed.

A high, girly scream.

A not very Masterly scream.

A scream that would haunt him for the rest of his life, as short as that may be.

"NOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooo!"

"Oh, poodoo, where did I put that extension cord?" That voice in the darkness, it was familiar to Qui-Gon. Maul? Did the creature get Maul too?

Suddenly, the ceiling lights flooded the room. There, a few feet away from Qui-Gon was the creature, bathed in yellowish light for all to see.

Instead of a face, there were evergreen branches. A long cord trailed out the back of the cloak, ending a few inches away from the wall socket. Beside the cord were familiar red and black feet, bare toes digging into the carpet. And that cloak looked rather familiar...

"So, do you like it?"

"Do I like it?" Qui-Gon repeated breathlessly. "Do I like it? By the Force, it's the Sith Who Stole Life Day!"

Maul grinned, showing his teeth. He glowed proudly over the garishly decorated potted Life Day tree. "Yeah, it's great, isn't it? I can't wait to try it out on the Obi-twit when he gets home." He looked around his feet, then back towards the ransacked boxes in the corner. "Do you know where the extension cord is?"

"Maul--"

"Coz it'll be a lot more fun if I can get the arms to actually wrap around him when he comes in."

"Maul--"

"It won't reach with that short cord."

"Maul--"

"I wonder if he'll scream as loud as you did..."

"Maul!" Maul's mouth snapped shut, his eyes going wide as he turned back to Qui-Gon. That tone--that Masterly tone--got him every time. "That is not a proper Life Day tree. That is...it's Sithly."

"Thank you."

"I--You're welcome. I think. Now, help me up." Maul smoothly reached down and pulled Qui-Gon to his feet. He looked over at the carefully crafted Lif--Sith Day tree, the eager and happy look on Maul's face. In spite of his questionable taste, Maul was actually trying to be helpful.

"I think Obi-Wan has the extension cord in his room."

Obi-Wan's shriek of terror was still ringing through the hallowed halls of the Temple as the young initiates awoke to open their Life Day presents. The young Padawan was soon distracted from his almost dark-side rage by the buzzing and twirling mechanisms of the automatic braider. He disappeared soon after all the presents were shared, even taking a moment to give a glare-filled and snarling "Happy Life Day" to Maul, who stuck out his tongue and leered pointedly at the Twirl-a-Braid in his hand.

The moment Obi-Wan disappeared through his door, Maul turned to Qui-Gon to murmur, "Won't make it through the night."

"I'll keep the infirmary informed," Qui-Gon quietly agreed, calling a truce--of a kind--over the Padawan Issue.

Qui-Gon set aside the "Lightsaber Lube" bottle Maul gave him to pick up his cloak. He still had many gifts and greetings to deliver around the Temple, and he always liked to stop in and give Ali Alaan some help with the young initiates. When he turned to start to pick up the pile of presents, he was surprised to see Maul still standing there. He'd have thought that now Obi-Wan was harassed and the presents were opened, Maul would have been in the bedroom, practicing with his new deluxe probe droid with laser sighting. Instead, Maul was holding an armful of packages and looking at Qui-Gon expectantly.

"Pity if Mace had to greet the Temple this afternoon with stubble. His electro-shaver won't work at this distance," Maul said calmly, as though he participated in Life Day every year.

Instead of making a big deal out of it, Qui-Gon took it for what it was--an unexpected and treasured gift. He smiled warmly, picking up the other half of the gifts and taking the lead towards the door.

/Screeeeeeee-thump. Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!/

Qui-Gon didn't need to turn around. "Maul... The tree cannot come with us."

"I found an extra long extension cord."

"... Okay, but not in the creche."

"Can we visit Yoda first?"

"Well, you have been a good boy. I think we can arrange it."

Qui-Gon stepped out the door, followed by Maul, with the heavy potted tree slowly gliding across the floor behind them.

THE END