Growing Pains 2: Fast and Furious

by A Horse Called Hwin

Title - Growing Pains 2: Fast and Furious
Author - A Horse Called Hwin
Archive - As long as you can tolerate its stupidity...
Genres - Qui/Obi, Humor, Action/Adventure, Pre-Slash
Pairing - Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan (pre-slash)
Rating - PG-13 (for cussing and mild violence)
Series - Growing Pains
Summary - Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan go undercover.
Note - Sequel to "Growing Pains".

"Padawan, turn that off now."

Qui-Gon was not surprised to see that Obi-Wan was completely ignoring his instruction. The fifteen-year-old currently had his eyes glued to the datapad's small screen and he hadn't blinked in ten minutes while his hands were pressing buttons swiftly like a droid. And what was he so concentrated on? SMK -- short for Star Mass Killing, a Force-damn film series that spawned millions of comic books, novels, action figures, cartoons, toys, theme park rides and, the most evil of all, datapad games.

"Just five more minutes..." Obi-Wan murmured distractedly, unable to focus on anything but the colorful screen filled with explosions, violence, starships, blood and gore.

So now his gaming-induced shrunken brains had finally registered what his Master was saying. Such a dutiful apprentice.

"That's what you said an hour ago,"

"Uh-huh..." Obi-Wan was so intent on meleeing that innocent-looking reptilian soldier to death that he couldn't even form a complete sentence. And why would he melee someone to death with an assault rifle when he still got 127 rounds in it?

Sighing, Qui-Gon glanced at the clock on the wall to confirm that it'd already been three hours since Obi-Wan got back from class. Decisive and gallant as the Jedi Master he was, he strode to the Padawan seated on the living room couch and just switched off the datapad with one swift motion.

Obi-Wan was confused by the sudden black screen he was facing for a split second before he gasped. Then he shrieked.

"NOOOOO!"

Qui-Gon was mildly impressed by the teenager's ability to shout "no" in such a fashion that the "o" lasted for five seconds.

Then Obi-Wan turned to him with fury burning in his eyes, which oddly reminded Qui-Gon of an erupting volcano. ...Or not so odd, actually.

"Master, why did you DO that?!" he shouted in exasperation.

Qui-Gon crossed his arms calmly, "Because I can,"

"What?!" the teenager shrieked. Why did teenagers shriek so much, anyway? Qui-Gon really missed that good little kid Obi-Wan once was; teenagers were always protesting and defying and just being melodramatic and oversensitive in general. And did he mention protesting?

Qui-Gon nodded at the clock briefly, not dignifying the shriek with a verbal response.

Obi-Wan glanced at the clock and turned back to Qui-Gon with an indignant and defiant glare. "So?"

"So you're going back to your room and doing your homework."

"You -- you turned off my datapad because of my HOMEWORK?! I just spent THREE HOURS to get to that boss and you didn't even let me SAVE!"

"You brought it on yourself, Padawan." Qui-Gon was certain he'd get an ear tumor if this shrieking kept up, "I'd given you an hour to save and quit the game."

Obi-Wan just continued his glare, which was fine by Qui-Gon as long as he didn't shriek.

"Go to your room," Qui-Gon ordered after he'd been glared at for eight minutes, "And hand over the datapad."

Obi-Wan gave him a dirty look but handed over the datapad as told. He then stalked off into his bedroom with a huff. Qui-Gon bet the teenager would've slammed his bedroom door just to express himself if his door wasn't so technologically advanced. Thank the Force.

Obi-Wan missed his datapad already. Ever since his Master robbed him of his beloved datapad, he'd been longing for it and SMK: Imperial Commando. He was so close to beating the game, but his Master just had to ruin it. And now, one hour later, they were driving a crappy air car in a crappy metropolitan area called Nattahnam on a crappy human planet called Second York. How come he wasn't doing his homework like he was told? Because the Council called them right after he started doing his Master's precious homework and told them there was an emergency and they had to go on an undercover mission in a crappy city on a crappy planet nearby. Wow, maybe it was just him, but weren't undercover missions supposed to be ultra-secret and well-prepared and not rushed like this?

"Master?" Obi-Wan turned his bored gaze from the crowded, dirty, crappy city streets to his Master in the driver's seat.

His Master kept an eye on the road as he replied, "Yes?"

"I just want to rub it in your face: HA, I still can't do my homework."

His Master remained unfazed. "And how does that affect me? I'm not the one with homework here."

"No, but you're the one that's abducted my datapad to make me do my homework. So now you hold my datapad hostage for no reason and your plan has failed."

To his annoyance, his Master actually chuckled, "I wouldn't be so sure if I were you, Obi-Wan. I already contacted Master Kron and he's agreed to give you a one-day extension."

Obi-Wan snorted, "Who knows how long this mission's going to take,"

His Master raised an eyebrow at him, "According to the Council briefing, it won't take more than two hours. Were you not there, Padawan?"

Now Obi-Wan remembered. He felt embarrassed but refused to give his annoying Master the satisfaction of seeing him embarrassed, so he held up his head defiantly, "I wasn't paying attention, obviously."

"It's all right, young Padawan, no need to be embarrassed. You're just a teenager, and embarrassingly short attention span is normal for teenagers."

How could anyone be so annoying?

"By the way, you're not getting your datapad back until you finish your homework."

"Wait, WHAT?!" This was outrageous, it was unfair!

"You heard me," his Master drove on calmly.

"But that problem set will take at least five hours to finish!"

"All the more reason for you to not get distracted, then."

"Why would I need to 'not get distracted' when it's not due until the day after tomorrow?!"

"Because you need to stay focused,"

Now his Master was just toying with him. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and decided to remind his Master of one crucial fact.

"This is my life, Master."

"Yes, and you are my responsibility, Padawan."

Geez, talk about clichés.

Obi-Wan squared his shoulders, ready to fight for his rights as a Republic citizen. "I'm not doing my homework until I beat SMK."

"Keep dreaming, kid."

"I almost beat it before you came and ruined everything!"

"Why is it so horrible for you to beat a video game after you finish your homework first?"

Obi-Wan's temper flared. His Master just didn't understand; he never understood. "I've been trying so hard! I just want to beat it, okay?!"

"Not until you finish your homework first,"

Obi-Wan grunted in frustration and made a point of violently turning his back on his Master to look out of the window.

"Aww, don't sulk."

"I'm not sulking,"

"Okay, you're not-sulking."

Why couldn't his Master just understand how important it was for him to beat the game? Knowing his stubborn Master, he knew it was useless to argue, so he stared angrily out the car window in silence. But the tyrant wasn't bothered by his angry silence at all and just kept on driving.

After a while, his Master began telling him what he needed to do once they got to the assigned location. Obi-Wan was still mad at his Master, but he knew when to sacrifice his pride for Jedi duties. According to his Master, he was supposed to disguise himself as a janitor to get into the headquarters of a weapon-manufacturing company, Kaufgan Arms, which was suspected of selling weapons to illegal parties. The Jedi didn't work with the local police because they wanted as few people to know about the undercover mission as possible. The Council sent them on such short notice because the president of the company had abruptly paid the headquarters an unplanned visit and would stay there until sunset, but the actual undercover agent of this year-long mission was unavailable today due to "unforeseen circumstances". There was a good chance that the undercover Jedi would be able to collect evidence of their illegal trades, be it secret documents or conversations between the president and the chief executive, and Obi-Wan's job was to collect those evidence. Why not his Master? Because the only middle-aged janitors in the headquarters building were all supervisors. Wasn't he a little too young to pose as a janitor? The locals of this planet aged so slowly that they looked like teenagers even in their twenties.

"What exactly happened to the original undercover agent?"

"That Knight is down with diarrhea because he ate too much ice cream last night."

"What the -- does what I'm supposed to do even count as 'undercover'? Because I basically just get in, get evidence, and get out, and I only have two hours."

"Don't you think 'undercover' makes your job sound more important than 'fill-in for the real undercover agent who's unfortunately stuck on a toilet'?"

Obi-Wan couldn't help but sniggered. "You have a point there, Master."

Feeling much better now, Obi-Wan started having friendlier conversations with his Master while he put on his disguise. However, the conversation quickly strayed back to the topic of SMK and homework, and they were arguing again in less than ten minutes. It ended the way it started: Obi-Wan not sulking in silence.

By the time his Master parked the air car at a back alley near Kaufgan Arms' skyscraper, Obi-Wan had already worked himself into a teenage rage.

Fully disguised as a janitor, he opened the car door grouchily and jumped out of the car. He was going to leave the door open to annoy his Master. As he turned to walk away, his Master stopped him.

"Padawan?" his Master called him from the driver's seat in a very annoying, very smug voice.

Obi-Wan turned around to glare at him, only to see his Master pick up the lightsaber he'd forgotten on the front passenger seat, smiling.

"Forgetting something?"

It was official: his Master was Annoying. And that made him angrier. He snatched his lightsaber from his Master's hand in the rudest manner possible, and then he shouted a heartfelt:

"I HATE YOU!"

And he slammed the car door loudly.

Obi-Wan stalked to the Kaufgan Building, passing a row of glassy-looking skyscrapers lined up by the sidewalk filled with pedestrians. He only realized he'd forgotten to see his Master's guaranteed hilarious reaction when he was already at Kaufgan's front entrance. He thus became angry and irritated.

Fuming, he glared at the sophisticated-looking fountain in front of the entrance and walked up the stairs leading to the glass front doors. The doorman opened the glass door for him politely, but he was too angry to notice and just assumed the door was automatic. He had a vague recollection that anger was bad and it led to hate or fear or something, but he decided that, right now, his Master's bullshit philosophy could go to Sith Hell.

What was he supposed to do again? Right, find out information about this company's illegal trades. He marched across the shiny tiled floor of the lobby to the lady at the front desk, who looked up at him with a professional smile. She opened her mouth to speak but Obi-Wan beat her to the punch.

"Tell Goldmon Sacks to get his ass down here," he demanded. Interrogating the president seemed like a good place to start.

The receptionist blinked in confusion, taking in his angry demeanor, rude manners and janitor clothing. "I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Sacks is presently --"

Disgusted at the lady's crappy attempt at stalling, Obi-Wan pulled out his lightsaber and slammed it on the front desk's smooth surface with a loud "clang".

The receptionist stared at the famous weapon of the Jedi for a few seconds, and then, eyes never leaving the menacing lightsaber hilt, she pulled out a drawer with a big red button inside. The button was labeled "PRESS FOR PEST CONTROL". She pressed it.

In an instant, there were alarms blaring and red lights flashing and a mechanical voice announcing through the speakers: "Attention, all security personnel: Jedi presence detected in the Entrance Hall. Remove the threat at all costs."

"Uh-oh..." Obi-Wan finally recalled there was a purpose for his janitor disguise.

Guards in black battle suits holding huge creepy-looking blasters burst into the lobby from all directions. Obi-Wan looked around and noticed in panic that each of them was very, very, extremely well-armed and well-equipped. Why did this have to be a weapon company? Why couldn't it be a...baking company instead?

His Master always said a Jedi would not cower before danger.

Riiight.

Obi-Wan always said: when in doubt, run. Running for his life was a dignified response to a situation like this, and run he did.

Obi-Wan bolted towards the building's entrance like there was no tomorrow. The glass doors of the entrance were already heavily guarded, and -- by the FORCE -- blast doors that showed up out of nowhere were slowly closing behind the glass doors!

There was a saying somewhere that said people would get supernatural strength if they were put in a dire situation, or something along the line, Obi-Wan couldn't remember at that moment. All he knew was he was making a mad dash towards the building's entrance when he Force-pushed at the guards blocking his escape route out of desperation. Then a miracle happened.

His usually unremarkable Force-push actually knocked most of the guards in that direction down, clearing a temporary path for him to reach the glass doors. The blast doors of doom were still closing and he squeezed out between them just in time, breaking the glass doors in the process when he leapt for the ever narrowing slit between the giant metal doors.

Pumped with adrenaline, he ran quickly to blend into the crowds on the busy sidewalk.

Time flies, Qui-Gon mused as he leaned back against the air car the Council had gotten for them and watched the number displayed on the gas pump's upper panel increasing at an impossible rate. And so do gas prices. The Council'd better be paying for this.

His contemplation was interrupted by the beeping of his comlink. He answered it.

"Obi-Wan?"

What answered him was another one of those terrible shrieks that had plagued his daily life. Teenagers' voices sounded like the noise blender made when you accidentally threw metal pieces into it.

"MASTER, HEEEEEEEELP!"

My ears... Ears hurting and ringing, the Jedi Master heard the distinct sound of blaster-fire accompanying his Padawan's scream. Oh Force, he knew he should've been concerned about Obi-Wan's earlier rage rather than being amused by it. After the boy slammed the car door, he should have called him back and lectured him on the dangers of anger instead of chuckling to himself all the way to the gas station. He sighed. "Don't tell me you blew the mission,"

"Laugh at me when I'm NOT being chased by crazy security guards on SPEEDER BIKES!" More blaster-fire in the background. "Master, HURRY!"

"Sorry, Padawan," Qui-Gon glanced at the readings on the gas pump, "we're out of gas. The air car still needs another five minutes."

"Five minutes?! What kind of gas pump is that?! A SLOW pump?!"

"Trust me, it's the only one left here that still works."

"Can't you just STOP the gas pump?"

"No, this car guzzles gas like you wouldn't believe and we'd never make it out of here if the gas tank wasn't full."

"But I'm DYING here!" Explosions and blaster-fire. Hmm, this Kaufgan Arms did live up to its reputation of having "intense diversity".

"You'll be fine; just remember your training."

"What should I DO?!"

"Use the Force."

"What kind of irresponsible load of shit was that?! If I ever had a student, I'd never feed crap like that to him! Or her!"

"Ah, politically correct as always, my Padawan."

Obi-Wan's no doubt snarky response was drowned out by the thunderous sound of a sonic torpedo exploding.

"They have sonic torpedoes on a speeder bike?"

"Of course they have sonic torpedoes on a speeder bike! The blasted company's nickname is Sonics & Speeders, for Force' sake!"

"I assumed their misleading nickname meant they used to make speeders with high-definition stereo systems."

"That wasn't even FUNNY!"

"Obi-Wan, many companies started out doing something completely different from --"

Another sonic torpedo exploded. All right, Qui-Gon was starting to worry for his Padawan's wellbeing. "You still alive, Padawan?"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?!" With the amount of shrieking he received today, he was definitely getting a headache tomorrow.

"Keep up the good work,"

Any reply from Obi-Wan was drowned out by explosions again.

A "click" signaled that the air car's gas tank was finally full. Qui-Gon put the nozzle back and paid the impossible amount he owed the gas pump.

"On my way, Padawan. Keep your comlink safe and functional and I'll trace --"

"Just HURRY!"

Getting back into the air car, Qui-Gon started the engine tiredly. It feels like just yesterday when Obi-Wan was a non-shrieking little kid that followed me everywhere and wasn't enslaved by the Sith-spawned SMK. Truth be told, most kids in his Padawan's situation would probably shriek like he did, but that didn't excuse him for shrieking so often. He gave a dry chuckle as he thought: Fear leads to panic, panic leads to shrieking, shrieking leads to headache, and headache leads to Suffering. Wouldja look at that? Yoda's actually right.

Obi-Wan just knew he'd grow up to be a mentally-disturbed man with childhood trauma if he ever survived this stupid mission.

He ducked to dodge another blaster bolt as he ran through a narrow alley. He'd given up the protection provided by the crowded street because he realized in dismay that these crazy guards had no qualms about shooting in public even when the street was packed with innocent pedestrians. He'd done the noble thing to take a sharp turn and go into the nearby alley so their epic battle would stay away from people.

But he sorely regretted his heroic act when he discovered just how crazy these crazy guards could really be when there was no obstacle between him and them: they fired everything they got at him and they even activated some kind of rocket boosters with blue flames. He tried to lose them in the maze of winding alleys, but it never worked because they were always so close behind. Which wasn't surprising since they had speeder bikes and he had nothing but his own feet and the supposedly almighty Force. If only there was something blocking their way to slow them down a little... Good idea, Kenobi.

While he was running for his life -- with utmost dignity, if he might add -- he saw huge trashcans and dumpsters by the walls every now and then. So when he ran past another group of trashcans, he knocked them over with the Force, resulting in a clutter of obnoxious noises and trashcans lying in the middle of the road with their contents spilled everywhere.

You, my friend, are a pro. He praised himself proudly as he successfully made a mess with the trashcans while he never stopped running.

His joy was short-lived when he glanced back and witnessed firsthand the grandeur of Kaufgan Arms' prized Oort Cannon -- the vehicle-mounted cannon blew a clear path through his garbage blockage with one single laser bolt. His ingenious plan didn't work.

Where was his Master?! Their communication had been cut short when his Master irresponsibly proclaimed that he couldn't drive and talk on the comlink at the same time.

Obi-Wan was exhausted and he didn't know how long he could keep on running like this -- he'd been trying to outrun speeder bikes for ten minutes now! And by the way, did he mention he was being shot at the whole time? He bet even Master Mace wouldn't be able to last this long. Or maybe he could? He'd need to check with Geode after he got back. Heh, if he lived long enough to get back. Sometimes, he got the feeling his Master was trying to get him killed.

He was so distracted by his random musing that he was taken by surprise when two of the Kaufgan guards pursuing him had taken a shortcut to get ahead and intercept him from the other direction. The two guards showed up with their speeder bikes a short distance in front of him, all blasters, carbines, rifles, cannons, torpedoes, rocket launchers, machine guns and submachine guns ready to fire. Obi-Wan skidded to a stop and turned around to find the other three guards swiftly approaching from behind.

He was trapped just like in those cheesy action movies. How cheesy was that? To be honest, he'd always imagined that he'd either die gloriously on the battlefield or grow old and wise and famous and train a legendary student and then become a cultural icon, not some cheesy, clichéd death in a filthy alleyway on some stupid planet with a stupid name like Second York.

The two guards in front of him fired the weapons of their choice, and Obi-Wan saw his whole life flashing before his eyes. Which didn't take long since his "whole life" was actually really short.

"Are you done being a drama king?"

Obi-Wan snapped his eyes open -- wait, when did he close them, again? -- and saw his slowpoke of a Master looking at him with a raised eyebrow from the driver's seat. He realized he was back in the beloved air car and he was still alive. He couldn't believe he'd called this fine vehicle "crappy"; it was, without a doubt, the most beautiful means of transportation he'd ever seen!

"Master!" he exclaimed in joy, "Boy am I glad to see you!"

"Obviously," his Master said wryly. "Care to explain why you were frozen in place with your eyes closed and not fighting for you life?"

Oh Sith, was that what his body was doing when he was busy reviewing his whole life? How embarrassing. Better change the subject.

"What happened back there?" he was curious about how he ended up safely back in the air car.

His Master glanced at him knowingly; hopefully, he'd decided to let him off the hook. "Well, this is a car, so I ran them over."

"You ran over five speeder bikes?"

"More like sent them flying,"

"But how did you not get blown up by those lasers, bullets, torpedoes, missiles and stuff? They were already fired."

"I had the shield on. I'm impressed it actually worked; Mace usually gave us vehicles with lousy shields." his Master said, impressed, "So I ran over the three behind you, grabbed you, ran over the other two and took off."

"So...you pulled me into the car before those things hit me and drove through the explosion?"

"Do you doubt me?"

"Why didn't I notice anything?"

"Good question. Why didn't you notice anything?"

The air car rocked violently as it was hit by something, probably a rocket-propelled grenade. Obi-Wan looked around and realized they were back on the crowded streets and three Kaufgan guards were still chasing them. Where were the other two? He hoped they had to stay in hospital for a whole week. When he turned back to look ahead, he found in horror that their car was going to run over an innocent pedestrian crossing the street.

"MASTER!" he screamed.

The air car narrowly missed the man in black suit, who shouted at them angrily, "Asshole!"

"Do you always have to shriek, Padawan?" his Master looked like he was having a headache.

Obi-Wan didn't reply to that since he was too busy making sure their car wouldn't hit anyone.

"CAREFUL!" And by making sure, he meant yelling at his Master. "YOU'LL HIT SOMEONE!"

"SHUT UP, PADAWAN!" his Master yelled back, hands turning the steering wheel franticly and eyes on the hectic traffic, "I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"

His Master obviously didn't know what he was doing. The Kaufgan people were still shooting after them even on the busy streets, disregarding public safety because they were now pissed, like very pissed. As his Master "maneuvered" their car through the already chaotic traffic, thereby making it even worse and angering and scaring a lot of people, Obi-Wan thought he'd never been so stressed in his life: cars were honking in protest, drivers were throwing insults in anger, pedestrians were gasping in fright, and their car was hit by blaster-fire from time to time and he had no idea how long the shield could hold up. Then they entered an intersection, and Obi-Wan winced as, because of them, many cars braked abruptly while more cars crashed into each other.

One bad thing about air cars was that it was hard for them to move among other air cars during rush hour, while speeder bikes had no problem slipping their way through traffic at all.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Oh Sith. The shield finally decided it'd had enough.

"Master, we just lost our shield."

"I knew a vehicle from Mace with real shields was too much to hope for."

Obi-Wan valiantly stood up and deflected a blaster bolt, sending it back to the shooter. The Kaufgan guard's speeder bike blew up instantly.

One down, two to go.

Obi-Wan sat back down and his Master gave him an approving smile.

Lo and behold, his Master had just got them out of the worst of the traffic and now they were speeding to...get onto the freeway?!

"Master, what are you doing?!"

"Trying to save us!"

Clearly his Master was out of his mind. Must have been the stress. Poor Master.

The freeway was relatively empty compared to the chaos they'd just got out of. But then again, without shield they were just free target practice. His Master did his best to dodge shots fired by the persistent Kaufgan lunatics, but the air car had still taken damage. The previously shiny vehicle was now tragically dented and scratched.

"Master, the car can't hold much longer --"

A blue laser ball exploded right next to their air car, and the explosion shook the car violently. Force, the Oort Cannon again.

"Hold on, Padawan, I've got an idea!"

Usually when his Master had an idea, Obi-Wan ran for cover.

His Master slammed on the brake all of a sudden. The air car stopped momentarily, and the pursuers, unable to stop, rushed ahead. Then his Master slammed on the gas pedal, and now the two remaining speeder bikes and the air car were speeding alongside one another, one bike on each side.

"Padawan, take over!"

Before Obi-Wan could remind his Master that 1. he hadn't reached the legal driving age yet, and 2. he didn't know how to drive, his Master already let go of the steering wheel and opened the driver's door to fight the Kaufgan guard on his side. Obi-Wan caught the wheel just in time, but like he said, he didn't know how to drive, so the air car swerved left...and then right...and then left...and then right.

"Make up your mind, Obi-Wan!" his Master shouted as he struggled with the guard.

See? This was why his Master never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. It was always Me! Me! Me!, never mind Obi-Wan was driving for the first time ever in his life and the Kaufgan bastard next to him wasn't just sightseeing, either.

"I told you, I can't drive!" Obi-Wan shouted back as he dodged another blaster bolt from the Kaufgan bastard next to him.

Qui-Gon Jinn was still Qui-Gon Jinn; he quickly kicked the guard he was fighting off his bike, and the bike ran into the freeway wall and exploded.

His Master hurriedly closed the car door and took control of the vehicle again.

The last Kaufgan jerk readied the Oort Cannon beside Obi-Wan and aimed it at their heads. Obi-Wan watched in slow-motion as the Oort Cannon's plasma core heated up and turned blue --

His Master slammed their car into the guard's speeder bike and knocked the guard and his bike off the freeway completely.

Obi-Wan stared at his Master in awe. "That was...direct."

"What can I say? 'Direct' is my middle name!" his Master declared smugly.

Obi-Wan wanted to say he thought "I love me! I'm so awesome!" was his Master's middle name, but the blaring sirens of the police caught his attention.

They exchanged a look and sighed simultaneously.

"Then the police finally arrived. And they took all of us to the police station and Kaufgan's men claimed they pursued us because we attempted to 'rob' their company and we said they pursued us because they know we know what they've been up to and then we argued and the chief of police said he'd had enough and decided to clear our charges on the condition that the Jedi and Kaufgan Arms pay for all the damages."

Obi-Wan was actually amazed that his Master could say a sentence this long in one breath. Too bad the Council wasn't impressed by it.

"So you're saying," Master Ki-Adi-Mundi said with a mixture of disbelief and exasperation, "you two have managed to blow the mission, trash an alley, disrupt traffic, compromise public safety, get arrested, increase the Order's financial burden and put on a car chase performance for the evening news?"

Obi-Wan could tell his Master was exhausted and sore all over and just wanted to take a shower and go to bed and sleep for the rest of his life.

"Exactly, Ki," his Master answered crankily, "except the mission was in fact a success because Knight Kuiper had recovered from his diarrhea while we were 'performing' the car chase and he did find the evidence of the company's illegal trades."

"Then why has he not contacted the Council?" Master Poof asked serenely, still in a good mood despite the report.

"His diarrhea is back and he's stuck on the toilet again."

The Council paused in sympathy. Then Master Mace, oh no, decided to speak for the first time since they got back.

"You do realize," the senior Council member said slowly, tenting his fingers, "that there is a reason undercover missions are called undercover, Qui-Gon?"

Obi-Wan flinched. Uh-oh.

The deliberate question was aimed at his Master, but Obi-Wan knew it was time for him to finally man up and take responsibility, no matter how nice it was to just hide behind his Master and not get grilled by the Council.

"It was all my fault," Obi-Wan said bravely after he swallowed and stepped forward. All eyes were on him now. His Master looked mildly surprised and...a little moved? "I...I was angry and forgot what I was supposed to do in the Kaufgan Building."

Obi-Wan was so proud of himself once he got the words out. His poor Master had been the target of the Council's frustration the whole session, even though he didn't really do anything wro --

"We know, Obi-Wan." the dark-skinned Master said gently, "While you were also at fault, the mission was your Master's responsibility, not to mention it was his duty to help you control your temper -- both as your Master and the adult of the pair."

Did Master Mace just call his Master immature? Ouch. But then again, he also implied teenagers were prone to anger, which was so not true.

Obi-Wan was about to fight for the honor of all teenagers when the senior Council Member gave him a look which he knew all too well from the Public Policy class: whenever he was looking for excuses to turn in papers late, Master Mace would give him the Look of Impending Doom and he'd shut up immediately. Oh well, no one could say he hadn't tried.

His Master was still cranky and said to his old friend (why they always treated each other like crap during Council sessions was beyond Obi-Wan) with fake composure, "Yes, I blew the mission and I gladly take the blame. Are you satisfied?"

"As long as you understand how irresponsible you had been on this mission," the senior Council member responded kindly with a satisfied smile.

"Why, thank you, Mace."

"You're most welcome, old friend." Master Mace then addressed them both, "You are dismissed."

Obi-Wan let out a sigh of relief and was going to follow his cranky Master out of the Council Chamber when they were halted.

"Qui-Gon,"

Everyone in the Council Chamber turned to look at the previously silent Master Yoda. His Master stared at the little green Master defiantly.

"Pay for the damages, the Council will not. Deducted from your quarterly wages, the expenses will be."

His Master put on a go-ahead-see-if-I-care air, "Be my guest."

Master Yoda then waved his claw peacefully. "Dismissed, you are."

Once they made it out of the Council Chamber, the Master stopped and turned around to wait for his apprentice to catch up and walk next to him. Obi-Wan took that as a good sign that his Master at least wasn't too mad at him.

As soon as he caught up, he bowed his head and said repentantly, "Sorry, Master."

His Master actually smiled and patted his back, "Just don't shriek so much in the future, Padawan."

"Yes, Master." He nodded sincerely; at this moment, he'd agree to anything his Master said.

"No more staying up until five in the morning."

"Yes, Master."

"And no SMK until you finish your homework."

"...yes, Master." Obi-Wan sighed. Yes, anything, no matter how ridiculous and unreasonable it was.

"You know," his Master said as they resumed walking, the hallway empty with most Jedi gone for dinner, "we're probably on RBC Galactic News right now."

Obi-Wan groaned; he'd never live this down among his fellow Padawans. He was a disgrace. His life was ruined.

"Think they'll make a movie about us, Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan looked up at his jolly Master miserably -- how could his Master be so cheery when he was all grouchy and cranky only five minutes ago? But what he saw on his Master's face made him realize that his Master wasn't just joking around; he was joking to cheer him up.

Okay, so Obi-Wan's future suddenly didn't look so bleak anymore, but his earlier despair had nothing to do with the common misconception of teenagers being melodramatic and over-emotional.

Grinning at his Master, he told him the title for their movie that just randomly popped into his mind. "Jedi Drag Race: Showdown in Downtown."

And his Master laughed, heartily and unreservedly, and Obi-Wan laughed with him. It was actually pretty embarrassing to have their laughter echoing through the hallway, but it also felt nice to just let go after their brush with death -- to celebrate the fact that they were alive.

Obi-Wan looked at his now relaxed and happy Master in wonder, having a renewed understanding of just how much his Master meant to him, warts and all. A warm, fuzzy feeling settled in his heart as he watched his Master laugh. As their laughter finally died down, his Master asked cheerfully, "What do you say we go get one of those cheesy-meat-on-bread-crust things you kids like so much these days?"

One of the many annoying things about his Master was that he always worked some sort of insult to the teenager population into almost every sentence he spoke. But that was the least of Obi-Wan's concerns right now -- that warm, fuzzy feeling could only mean one thing.

"Sounds good, Master!"

"Come on, then." His Master gave him a fatherly one-arm hug and immediately there were butterflies fluttering about in Obi-Wan's stomach.

Holy Sith. It was official: he had a crush on his Master.

The End