Growing Pains

by A Horse Called Hwin

Title - Growing Pains

Author - A Horse Called Hwin

Archive - As long as you can tolerate its stupidity...

Genres - Qui/Obi, Humor, Pre-Slash, AU

Pairing - Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan (pre-slash)

Rating - PG (for cussing)

Summary - When Qui-Gon meets Obi-Wan.

Qui-Gon still remembered the first day he met Obi-Wan.

There were twelve younglings that needed Masters, and so the Council assigned twelve Masters to be paired with them, just to make sure "no child gets left behind".

The pairing was based on a "first-come, first-paired" basis, so the earlier the assigned Master went to the Bear Clan, the more younglings he could choose from.

Of course, Qui-Gon was, as he himself stated, "unfortunate enough to be among the Unlucky Twelve"; and he never acted until the last second. So in the end, he unsurprisingly became the last assigned Master to choose his Padawan. Well, not really, because he didn't have any more youngling to choose from -- there was only one left. And he never would have gone in the first place had it not been for the large note printed in red on the notification he'd received about him being one of the Unlucky Twelve: "Failure to show up at the Pairing Services Office before the deadline will result in permanent removal of the rank of Jedi Master." Somehow Qui-Gon was positive that this sentence was actually directed at him in particular.

When he strode into the Pairing Services Office in the Bear Clan Administration Building and saw only one boy standing there, staring at him with those huge, creepy eyes, he felt a chill run down his spine and asked the Master in charge, who was reading "The Coruscant Post", without thinking, "This is the only one left?"

"Yep,"

"But what happened to the others?"

"What do you think?"

Qui-Gon cursed inwardly but still kept a polite manner outside, "But this kid looks only three or four years old."

"Three, to be precise."

"Well, thank you." Qui-Gon replied sarcastically, "Are all of them so young?"

"Nope, he's the youngest."

I see now why he hasn't been chosen yet. Qui-Gon thought unhappily, Just my luck.

"Shouldn't he stay here in the Bear Clan a little bit longer?" he argued, in a pathetically weak attempt to get rid of the toddler.

"Our headquarters have deemed him ready."

"But..." Qui-Gon searched his diplomatic mind for an effective retort, "I fear that it would be a bit too early for the child to be paired with a Master."

"Hmm, let a disgruntled and unpunctual Master judge the youngling's fate? Now there's an idea." The Master in charge gave him a sarcastic smile before returning to his newspaper.

Why is everybody so sarcastic these days? Qui-Gon thought and opened his mouth to protest, but decided against it since it was quite obvious that his efforts were in vain. Heaving a frustrated sigh, he spoke again, "All right, I'll take him as my Padawan Learner."

The Master in charge nodded peacefully, eyes on the newspaper, and gestured him to take the boy with him.

"No forms to fill out?" Qui-Gon asked incredulously.

"I've already done your paper work for you a week ago when this kid became the last one here," the Master in charge answered nonchalantly, eyes still on the newspaper, "because I prefer being efficient to waiting for someone like you to come in at the last minute."

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes at the annoying Master in charge, but said Master didn't even spare him a glance, so his annoyance went unnoticed (or simply ignored). Sighing, Qui-Gon decided this was just not his day and turned to approach the little boy.

Qui-Gon stood before the boy and found the boy was still staring at him with those huge, creepy eyes, so he decided to stare back. After they have continuously stared at each other for about eight minutes, Qui-Gon chose to break the ice.

"So, uh, what's your name?" he asked awkwardly, further uncomfortable with the constant staring.

"Obi-Wan," The boy answered, still staring.

"What are you staring at, Ohb-Wen?"

"I dunno," Obi-Wan shrugged, then pointed at his head, "Funny hair."

"Not nearly as funny as yours, kid."

Obi-Wan cocked his head in confusion.

'Our headquarters have deemed him ready.' Ready indeed! Qui-Gon thought. Wait. Am I having a verbal war with a child?

Just when Qui-Gon was disturbed by his own lack of adult behaviors, he noticed the little boy was still staring at him, confused.

"Never mind what I said. Actually, how about we just pretend that conversation never happened?"

Obi-Wan, though still obviously confused, nodded, which was good enough for Qui-Gon.

"Okay, here's the important stuff, so listen carefully."

Obi-Wan nodded.

"You have been chosen --"

The Master in charge gave a mocking snort.

"Fine. Accepted as my Padawan Learner." Qui-Gon announced pointedly, as if daring the Sith-spawn Master in charge to snort again.

The boy nodded, staring.

"So you have become my Padawan, which means you're now my Padawan, and since you're now my Padawan --"

"He's not that young, you know."

Qui-Gon decided to ignore the Force-damned Master in charge and continued with his well-formulated and eloquent speech. "I'm now your Master, so you should call me 'Master' from now on. Understood?"

"Yes, Ma...Ma..." Obi-Wan seemed to be having some trouble pronouncing the rest of the title, "Ma..."

Force, NO! Qui-Gon panicked. "Master...Ma...sss...terrr..."

"Ma."

"No. Master."

"Ma." Obi-Wan said decisively, as if he'd already made up his mind and there was no turning back.

Oh great, thought Qui-Gon miserably, now I've become his mother.

After they left the Bear Clan Administration Building, Qui-Gon walked back to his quarters as fast as his legs could manage for he didn't need the irritating comments from his fellow Jedi to add to his problems.

"Ma, wait!" Obi-Wan called out somewhere behind him in the crowd, and that ceased Qui-Gon's movement immediately.

"Force," only then did Qui-Gon realize that he'd totally forgotten about Obi-Wan, and his eyes started searching the Jedi crowd in fluster -- they'd just become Master and Padawan for less than ten minutes, and already he managed to lose his Padawan.

"Obb-Wane!" he shouted, desperately looking for the short, little boy in the moving crowd, "Obb-Wane, where are you?"

"Ma!" Obi-Wan finally emerged from the crowd and ran towards Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon sighed in relief and said, "Stay close to me, okay?"

Obi-Wan blinked, "But you walked, and walked, and walked, and walked --"

"I got your meaning, Odi-Van."

"And walked, and walked, and walked, and walked --"

"No, really."

"And walked, and walked, and walked, and walked --"

"Let's keep going, then." Qui-Gon took the little boy's small hand in his and led them back on their way to their quarters.

"And walked, and walked, and wal --" he halted all of a sudden, then looked up at his Master solemnly, "Ma, I wanna pee."

"You WHAT?!" Qui-Gon stared at him in horror, "You're not serious, are you?"

Obi-Wan just started hopping up and down urgently as his response.

Qui-Gon blanched: it would take at least another ten minutes to reach their quarters, and he knew when a three-year-old said he needed to "pee", that meant very badly. Please, Force, this is not happening --

"Did I hear someone call you 'Ma', Qui-Gon?"

Wonderful. Mace Windu. JUST the person I need to receive sarcasm from. Qui-Gon shot Mace a death glare, "Don't start."

"It's merely a friendly question," Mace shrugged casually.

"I don't have time for this!" Qui-Gon roared in the Council member's face and held Obi-Wan up into his arms to look for a nearby public restroom.

"Praise the Force!" he exclaimed in joy as he located one and dashed towards it. He quickly reached the restroom door and as he was about to open the door --

"What the Sith Hell?" he cursed aloud as he found a notice on the door that read:
NOTICE
RESTROOM CLOSED FOR CLEANING

"Hold on, Odd-Win!" Qui-Gon said to the pained-looking boy in his arms and continued rushing along the hallway for the next restroom.

When he finally arrived at another one, he checked the door fiercely, "I swear I'll behead this restroom if it dares to be closed." To his satisfaction, this restroom was not closed, so he kicked the door open and stormed into the spacious restroom.

But there was a yellow fold-up sign standing on the middle of the floor:
CAUTION
WET FLOOR
Which indicated that he had to slow down to subject to walking to find an available stall. This was just not his day.

The first stall was occupied, so was the third one and the fourth one; the second one had a notice of "OUT OF SERVICE" on its door, and the fifth stall was "CLOSED FOR SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE", while the sixth one was "STAFF ONLY" with a big, complex, expensive lock on it. And those were all the stalls in this public restroom.

"Ma --" Obi-Wan made a strangled noise to announce that he couldn't hold for much longer.

"Damn the maintenance!" What does a TOILET need maintenance for, anyway? Qui-Gon declared and Force-shoved the stall door open.

At that very moment, Obi-Wan's "pee" spilled out.

Qui-Gon was half covered in his Padawan's urine and so was the urine's owner himself when they returned to the hallway to continue their journey home.

Everyone in the hallway was glancing or even openly staring at them, and they all instinctively covered their noses as there was a distinct sour odor surrounding the pair.

"With all due respect, Qui-Gon," Master Ki-Adi-Mundi remarked as he passed by, "What's that smell?"

Qui-Gon was in a very resentful mood at the moment, so he narrowed his eyes and looked at Ki-Adi with a bizarrely calm and serious expression, "Pee."

"Pee?"

"Yes, Ki: pee."

"Oh," Ki-Adi suppressed the urge to cover his nose as the others did, "Well...good luck, then." And he hurriedly walked away from the pair.

"Ma?" Obi-Wan was staring at him with those huge, creepy eyes again.

"Yes?" Qui-Gon asked warily.

"I'm thirsty."

"In your dreams, kid." Qui-Gon knew the boy would need to "pee" again very soon if he gave the boy any liquid substance to add into his bladder.

"But, Maaaaaaa..."

As Qui-Gon was about to reply with a simple and determined "No", laughter burst out from behind him:

"Did you hear that? The Macho Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn is that kid's mommy!"

"Yeah, I heard that, too!"

This led to more laughter from the people around them, and Qui-Gon gritted his teeth as he turned his head to see who the damnable person was. As it turned out, it was some random young Knight that he didn't even know existed until now, which made his revenge almost impossible.

Being famous is hard, Qui-Gon thought bitterly, and glanced at his Padawan in an accusing manner.

"What?" Obi-Wan asked, confused once more, after noticing Qui-Gon's unhappy glance directed at him.

Despaired, Qui-Gon huffed out a puff of miserable air, and decided this must be the worst day in his entire life.

The End