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RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Two Jedi and a few dozen Generic Evil Cult
Members[tm]. Do the math.
WARNING: This story was written in a high-on- sugar and
sleep-deprived nirvana. OOC-ness, tasteless jokes, silliness,
and gratuitous fan service abound. Do not eat or drink while
reading this fic. Some parts of this story may be offensive to
more tender sensibilities.
DISCLAIMER: What's not mine belongs to George Lucas and a few
other people. Please don't sue, guys. I'm only trying to have
fun.
NOTES: Throwing out phrases like "virgin sacrifice at dawn" is
a VERY dangerous thing to do when I'm trying to write something
light- hearted. And since I consider myself an agnostic, I
can't even pray for god to lead me away from temptation. ;)
There goes my reputation.
DEDICATION: To Emu, for the inspiration (where's that J/P
story, eh?).
[SCENE 1: Think mutated Amazon jungle in very early morning.
Night, really. Gnarled, gigantic trees seem to almost touch the
sky, some eerily lit by phosphorescent lichen. A few vaguely
bat-like animals are flying around, snapping at some glowing
insects. In a happy "circle of life" sorta way. Without
warning, a tentacle- like something snaps up to grab at one of
the bats.]
BAT: Screeeech! [snapping sounds]
[A Mayan-like temple rises up from the mass of greenery, giving
UFO-enthusiasts more evidence that some kind of galactic
cultural cross- pollination must have occurred. It's easily
higher than the Petronas Twin Towers, as some poor souls
gasping on the stone stairs can testify to. The top of the
temple is brightly lit by torches, and dancing FIGURES can be
vaguely made out against the brightness. Even at a distance,
their chanting is clear.]
[SCENE 2: The HIGH PRIESTESS is being carried up with great
dignity up the stairs, accompanied by the beating of drums. She
is dressed in robes the colour of rich wood, and sported a
crest of feathers instead of hair. A close-up reveals that she
has wide, pupilless green eyes. There is a dyed streak of
silver in her feathers, obviously having some sort of symbolic
meaning. Her small-boned features are attractive in an exotic,
"in your dreams, hew-man" way. She wears a silver
diadem, from which hangs a small dagger-shaped jewel. She is
smiling -- the sort of smile which promises to demonstrate that
not only roses are red. Her smile grows wider as her entourage
comes ever closer to the top. She leans over her sedan chair,
brandishing a tasseled whip. For convenience's sake, the rest
of the dialogue will be dubbed in English. Not by the
voice actors DIC hires, thank goodness.]
HIGH PRIESTESS: [cracking her whip] Hurry, you weaklings! I
have a virgin sacrifice at dawn to attend to!
LONG-SUFFERING FOLLOWER: Yes, huff O puff
Mistress. [undertone] So this is how hernia feels like...
[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]
[SCENE 3: Two dark FIGURES run lightly through the tropical
forest, careful not to make too much noise. One of them, the
one in the lead, is smaller and more slender than the other. It
is too dark to make out their features, but as the second
figure peers through the glowing branches of a giant tree, a
glimpse of blue- green eyes are visible. They disappear among
the gnarled trunks of the ancient trees, following a trail only
they could see.]
[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]
[SCENE 4: Dante's Inferno meets the Amazons from Xena. Slender
beings of the same species as the HIGH PRIESTESS, from all ages
(from 18 and up, that is, due to union rules) and sexes dance
in the flat, open air courtyard. Bonfires burn at all four
corners, with various tubers and meats piled next to them.
Waste not, want not. Torches are lit all over the place,
illuminating the main centerpiece: a huge statue carved from
solid rock. I'm not even going to attempt to describe it. Let's
just say that if some artist decided to create an amalgam of
the Jabba the Hutt, Priapus, and Sailormoon, you'll have a
pretty good approximation. Except with far less charm. There is
a raised slab of stone in front of the statue, flanked by two
comparatively brawny beings -- GUARD 1 and GUARD 2.]
GUARD 1: Oh boy. Here comes the Head Bitch.
GUARD 2: Y'know, I'm not sure that the employment agency looked
hard enough.
GUARD 1: [visibly exasperated] Look, do you want to be a
redshirt in a Star Trek episode? Between Kirk's toupee and the
Powers of Darkness, I'd take Lovecraftian monsters any time.
GUARD 2: Well, the food's good around here... but Star Trek has
babes in fur bikinis.
GUARD 1: That is so sexist, it isn't even fun--
[They are interrupted by a black-haired BOY, who is wearing a
spotted bandanna. He looks very confused, but is treating the
weirdness around him with the blase attitude of a seasoned
traveller. As he speaks, tiny fangs are just visible.]
BOY: [politely] Excuse me, but what is the name of this place?
GUARD 1: Uh, the Iinfreenjmen region, I believe, on the planet
Kop-ee-rait.
BOY: [shakily] Planet?
GUARD 2: Where're you heading, kid?
BOY: Nerima, Japan. On planet Earth.
GUARD 1: [incredulous] How'd you get so far out here? [shakes
head] Never mind. Look, there's a crossover vortex not far from
here. [points towards the west] You can't miss it -- see that
glow? Just follow the light and you'll be fine. Of course,
there's that whole answer- gatekeeper's-riddle-or-die thing,
but old Koss usually just lets 'em in nowadays.
BOY: [bowing gratefully] Domo arigato, kind guards. [starts
walking to the east]
GUARD 2: Hey, kid! [points to the direction the BOY is walking]
Over there, bandanna boy!
BOY: Oh! Gomen. [walks to the west]
GUARD 2: Kids nowadays...
[The HIGH PRIESTESS finally arrives, stepping daintily from the
sedan. The drums fade into silence. Her very presence
electrifies the air, and a hush spreads over the assembly as
she walks towards the altar. A naked FIGURE was laid out on it,
shackled with heavy iron chains. the HIGH PRIESTESS looks down
on him with deep satisfaction. Her thoughts are obvious to a
discerning watcher: the sacrifice was a most worthy one, a
little old perhaps, but beautiful. The muscles on him were
firm, his body built to perfection. Large hands, matched by the
fascinatingly long fingers. His leonine features invited
dismissals of machismo, but there was a serenity and wisdom in
them that invited a watcher to delve deeper. Strength rippled
in his legs, and nestling between them... ahem. She clears her
throat, taking a torch from its holder.]
HIGH PRIESTESS: Today, at dawn, we will honour our god with
this sacrifice. [dramatic pause] In Mrrkiting's name, I present
to him a virginal yet virile Jedi... QUI-GON JINN!
[She thrusts the torch high into the air, and the people
explode into cheers.]
[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]
[SCENE 5: The depths of a tropical forest again, but this time
the temple is clearly visible. The two FIGURES seen earlier are
cautiously making their way through the forest, trying to avoid
guards the HIGH PRIESTESS might have planted along the trail.
Not quite a successful attempt, as it turns out. A WARRIOR,
clad in animal skins, jumps down from a tree. Screaming, he
charges at them with an axe. Any surprise at finding himself
being propelled through the air by an invisible force was
hidden by his headgear, but there was no mistaking the loud
thump. Undaunted, he rises to his feet, swinging the axe
about.]
WARRIOR: [muttering to himself] Pension. Just remember the
pension plan.
[He attacks wildly. A blue laser-like beam split the darkness,
and the taller of the two FIGURES leaps to the defence. He
feints, slicing through the axe's handle. Still, the berserk
WARRIOR is in no mood to be stopped. But stopped he was, as the
energy blade pierces through his lungs.]
[The light from the blade has revealed the identity of the
FIGURES. One of them is recognizably OBI-WAN KENOBI, dressed in
black commando-style clothing. Jedi precepts or not,
light-coloured tunics would be a fashion disaster in this
scenario. Besides, wouldn't you rather see OBI-WAN in black? I
thought so. OBI-WAN's companion is a young woman in her early
twenties, named MERRISO. Her feathers are short and somewhat
ragged, and she is dressed in much-mended clothing. Despite her
tattered appearance, she carries herself with dignity.]
OBI-WAN: [drily] Unless his respirotary system doesn't include
his lungs, I would say yes.
MERRISO: [raising an eyebrow] Excuse me for asking. I
hang around with dead people every day, after all.
OBI-WAN: [pointedly ignoring her sarcasm] Let's hope that none
of his friends heard his scream.
[He gazes at the temple, determination evident in his face.]
OBI-WAN: [whispers] Wait for me, my love. I'm coming for you.
[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]
[SCENE 6: QUI-GON JINN is groggily shaking his head, blinking.
He is only half-conscious, probably drugged.]
QUI-GON: [mumbling] Obi-Wan, are y' hogging th'blankets?
[He visibly struggles to reach for the Force, alarm crossing
his face as it is obvious that his abilities have been
dampened. Awake and sober now, he tries to look around him.]
QUI-GON: What happened to me? [frowning] Dinner at the
village... the Queen sent me... I remember... the wine... I
thought it was only polite... [eyes go wide] Oh, Sith.
[He caught sight the corpulent statue facing his side, noting
the round appendages on top of its head and the garish jewels
decorating it. What made him wince, however, was the huge
phallus rising proudly from its lap.]
QUI-GON: [quietly] I have a bad feeling about this.
[The HIGH PRIESTESS suddenly looms over him, looking quite
pleased with herself. QUI-GON gazes up at her impassively --
only to find his eyes drawn to her diadem.]
QUI-GON: [mutters] Again with the phallic symbolism.
HIGH PRIESTESS: [suspiciously] What was that?
QUI-GON: [smoothly] Nothing of your concern.
HIGH PRIESTESS: [grinning maliciously] Defiant, are we now?
Enjoy it while you can, Jinn. As soon as dawn comes, you won't
even be able to work those cute lips. [twirls a lock of his
hair around her finger] How the mighty have fallen. Then a
Jedi, now a sacrificial virgin. [laughs maniacally]
[He glares at her. She looks at him regretfully, running a hand
appreciatively on his pectoral muscles.]
HIGH PRIESTESS: The concubine you could've made... Ah well.
Mrrkiting would love this gift -- you're practically my ticket
to a luxurious afterlife, handsome. [turning her head to her
left] Maid! Prepare the oil! [leaves]
QUI-GON: [softly] Obi-Wan...
[He lifts his head up a few centimetres, then brings it down
with a loud thump.]
QUI-GON: I should have slept with him when I had the chance,
the Council be damned. [thumps his head a few more times]
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]
[SCENE 7: OBI-WAN and MERRISO are standing at the foot of the
temple, the former looking somewhat dismayed.]
OBI-WAN: Great.
MERRISO: [cheerfully] It's not that bad. [glaring at OBI-WAN's
disbelieving look] Really. They even have healers every hundred
steps.
OBI-WAN: Why doesn't that reassure me? [they start climbing the
stairs] Merriso, there's something I've been meaning to ask
you... Why did they choose my Master?
MERRISO: [impatiently] Because they need a Force-sensitive
virgin, duh.
OBI-WAN: [grounding to a halt] A what?!
MERRISO: [as if talking to a simpleton] Your Master is a
virgin. Now, are we going to save him or not?
[OBI-WAN, looking pole-axed, sits down on the stairs. A play of
emotions shifts in -- disbelief, shock, wonder, etc. -- his
face, dissolving into outright laughter.]
OBI-WAN: [wheezing, between fits of laughter] And I was afraid
I'd be too inexprienced for him! Oh, Force... I should have
seduced him a long time ago! [laughs like hell, nearly rolling
down the temple]
MERRISO: [rolling her eyes] Jedi.
[CUT TO NEXT SCENE]
[SCENE 8: Typical B-movie virgin sacrifice scene, with the
addition of a naked Jedi Master. It is now dawn. The HIGH
PRIESTESS has shed her robes, donning a heavily-bejewelled
leather bikini, over which she wears a see- through tabard. A
tall headdress made from bones completes her ensemble, along
with the jingly bracelets that covered her forearms. In other
words, she could've done with a good copy of the section
concerning tips for evil cultists in "The Evil Henchmen's
Guide".]
HIGH PRIESTESS: [chanting, holding a dagger over QUI-GON's
heart] Ilovechocolate... ilovechocolate... ilovechocolate...
[TRANSLATION: (directed to Mrrkiting) I really don't mind if
you want me to ravish him first.]
QUI-GON: [steely] This is ridiculous.
[QUI-GON pulls at his chains, his oiled body gleaming in the
firelight. Taut muscles strain as he writhes against his bonds,
power in every movement... What? What are you looking at me
for? Oh, right, the story. Unfortunately, for all his efforts,
QUI-GON might just as well be trying to break his chains with
eggshells.]
HIGH PRIESTESS: Damn. I don't get to have you, after all.
[shrugging] Might just as well sacrifice you now. [lifts the
knife high] In Mrrkiting's name--
OBI-WAN: [O.S] STOP!
[The cavalry has arrived. Okay, so it consists of a Padawan and
a raggedly-dressed woman, but QUI-GON's chances of surviving
just shot up from nil to almost nil. Executing a Jedi- enhanced
leap, OBI-WAN lands on the altar, shoving at the HIGH PRIESTESS
with the Force. He jumps down to the floor beside his bound
Master, lightsaber promising death by blue fire to any who
stands in his path.]
OBI-WAN: [coldly] Let. Him. Go.
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan?!
[GUARD 1 and GUARD 2 stand back, intimidated by the "take no
prisoners" battle aura practically burning around OBI-WAN's
body.]
GUARD 2: [muttering] I knew we should've taken the Star Trek
gig.
GUARD 1: Oh, shut up. [clocks GUARD 2 with a spear]
[The HIGH PRIESTESS, however, is not easily impressed. Her
headdress is missing and her clothes look somewhat worse for
wear, but she still possesses a commanding aura. Her lips curl
disdainfully as she looks him over.]
HIGH PRIESTESS: Do you really think you alone can stand against
our combined might? [indicates the rapidly pissed crowd] You
must be mad.
QUI-GON: ["obey me now"] Go, Obi-Wan. Save yourself.
OBI-WAN: ["bollocks to that"] I won't leave you, Master. [he
reaches out to grip QUI-GON's hand] We either leave this place
together, or we won't leave at all.
HIGH PRIESTESS: Hey! HEY! You, Jedi! You're supposed to pay
attention to me here!
QUI-GON & OBI-WAN: [still gazing into each other's eyes]
Get stuffed, you anthropology reject.
HIGH PRIESTESS: [tightly] Fine. [raises her hands] To me, my
people! Att--
MERRISO: [O.S] I command you to stop.
HIGH PRIESTESS: [arrogantly] And you arrrrre?
[MERRISO steps before the altar, raking her eyes scornfully
over the HIGH PRIESTESS and the statue. She pulls out a signet
ring emblazoned with the image of a three-headed dragon,
displaying it to the suddenly fearful crowd.]
MERRISO: A servant of the Queen, lady. [she grins] Unlike you,
I have had actual training in theology. [to the crowd] You poor
ignorant people...
HIGH PRIESTESS: [narrowing her eyes] What do you mean by that?
MERRISO: What I mean is that you've been duping these people.
[pointing to the statue] Don't any of you remember the Elder
Gods? [silence] Anyone? [more silence] So tell me, lady, how
much money did you take from them?
HIGH PRIESTESS: If you're trying to spread lies--
MERRISO: Quiet, you. [addressing the crowd] This is no statue
of Mrrkiting. In fact there never was a Mrrkiting. The
lady here just renamed an ancient god to suit her purposes. The
carved stone you've been worshipping is Veeahgrah. [triumphant
smirk]
[The assembled people gasp, horrified.]
YOUNG MAN 1: No... that's not true... that's impossible!
MAN 1: JEAN!
GIRL: [shrieks] Yagete! Yagete, KUDASAAAAAIIII!!!
OLD MAN: It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!
WOMAN: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
[Thunder and lightning crash through the previously clear sky.
There is a moment of awkward silence, broken by MERRISO as she
coughs into her fist.]
MERRISO: Ahem. I dare say that most people remember Veeahgrah,
how he was so lustful he grew a permanent erection and was
banished from his pantheon. But I don't think that anyone
outside the clergy knows how he looks like anymore. However, he
can always be identified by two features: the balls on his
head, and this. [points at the phallus]
GUARD 2: Cool. And here I was thinking that was a footrest.
GUARD 1: [covers face with a hand] I truly weep for the state
of evil henchmen today.
YOUNG MAN 2: We've been... we've been praying to... to...
[looks as if he was about to throw up]
MERRISO: Indeed. [glaring at them] Now go home.
[It is a pitiful end for a gathering that began with such pomp
and fire. The crowd trickle away, most sparing an "I can't
believe how stupid I was" look over their shoulders at the
shell-shocked, silent HIGH PRIESTESS as they leave. The lights
are quickly doused, replace by the sun's illumination. The sky
is tinted orange and pink, promising a beautiful day.]
OLD WOMAN: [offering a roasted potato to YOUNG MAN 2] Have one,
childie. At least it wasn't a complete waste.
YOUNG MAN 2: Food... urgh... [throws up]
OLD WOMAN: You could've just said "no".
[As the temple is emptied of people, MERRISO whips out a pair
of handcuffs from a mysterious hiding place and stalks towards
the HIGH PRIESTESS.]
MERRISO: By the powers vested on me by Queen J'asteene, I
hereby arrest you for--
[The HIGH PRIESTESS backs swiftly towards the statue, breaking
off the phallus with a well- aimed kick. She swings it
menacingly like a club at MERRISO.]
HIGH PRIESTESS: Stand back! I've got a weapon and I'm not
afraid to use it!
MERRISO: [gazing skyward] What did I do to deserve this, huh?
[sternly] Lady, I'll say this only once. Put down
Veeahgrah's penis.
[The sky is brightening, the orange and pink giving way to
light blue. It would deepen into a soft lavender later in the
day. A flock of avians swoop through the air, trilling songs.
One of them lands on the head of the castrated statue, watching
the two Jedi with bright red eyes.]
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, aren't you going to untie me?
OBI-WAN: [smiling mischeviously] But Master, you look so...
tasty laid out like this.
QUI-GON: When I lose my virginity, Obi-Wan, it won't be while
I'm shackled on top of a temple in the middle of a jungle.
[pauses as crashes are heard] And it certainly won't be in the
vicinity of a madwoman waving around that.
OBI-WAN: I doubt she'll notice.
QUI-GON: [warning tone] Padawan.
OBI-WAN: [leans over QUI-GON and kisses him] Make me.
[FADE TO BLACK]
THE END
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