by Little Susie Revok and Lilith Sedai
(lilith_sedai@hotmail.com)
Archive: master_apprentice, and my homepage only
Category: humor
Rating: G... sorta... well, actually, no. PG. OK, R.
Warnings: if you've never read "Highlights for Children" this
will zoom right past you.
Summary: The title speaks for itself
Feedback: yes, please, any comments welcome.
Acknowledgements: OK, I've referred visually to quite a few
stories here. I don't remember the titles or authors of all of
them. I apologize. And if anybody is offended they can be left
out, or if they would like to be named, email me and I'll
repost with revised acknowledgements. Thanks!
Dear Editors of "Galactic Highlights for Children:"
I was watching the little padawans at play with the little Sith
Apprentices and was inspired to create a new educational tool
that hopefully can darken the minds of kids across the galaxy.
I think you'll agree that this updated take on the classic
"Goofus and Gallant" represents the cutting edge of the future
in children's literature.
I've included sketches of my concept of both Goofus and
Gallant. Please note that Gallant is based on Jedi padawan
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Goofus is Sith Apprentice Darth Maul. I've
obtained the permission of both boys, who are flattered to have
their personas used in the pursuit of both good... and evil...
I strongly suggest you use it. If you know what's good for you.
My apprentice worked very hard on these sketches, and he has a
bad temper.
Sincerely,
Chancellor Palpatine
---MANUSCRIPT BEGINS---
**
Gallant loves his master, and follows his every instruction in
word and deed.
(sketch: Obi-Wan ironing Qui-Gon's underwear)
Goofus wants to eat his master's heart roasted on a stick.
(sketch: Maul rising up and striking Sidious down)
**
Gallant carefully combs and recombs his little braid each
morning.
(sketch: beaming padawan twit with a huge hairbrush)
Goofus tattooed his head and had horns surgically inserted in
his skull.
(sketch: Maul in the tattoo parlor with a spacebiker tattoo
artist named Thor)
**
Gallant walks everywhere he goes, to conserve precious fuel.
(sketch: Obi-Wan tripping lightly down a forest path with
birdies perched on his shoulders and little bunnies hopping
around his feet)
Goofus blasts down the desert on his ass-kicking galactic
Harley every time he gets a chance.
(sketch: Maul flattening an elderly female Tusken Raider with
his hoverbike)
**
Gallant offers gift certificates at SuperCuts to disheveled
slave children.
(sketches: Before--Obi-Wan helping a barber place a sheet over
Anakin. After-- Anakin at the Naboo party with his little
pigtail)
Goofus offers them the use of his tattoo needles without
cleaning it first.
(sketch: A leering Maul advances on a quivering kid with a
giant hypo in his fist)
**
Gallant practices with the Force by using it to make his bed
every morning.
(sketch: padawan twit with arms folded, tucking in his sheets
and poofing pillows)
Goofus uses the Force to burn limbs off the people who try to
wake him up.
(sketch: Maul hunched into pillows, with one bleary eye open,
motel chambermaid next to his bed being torn limb from limb by
forces unseen)
**
Gallant learns the proper dining protocol for each culture he
visits.
(sketch: Obi-Wan cheerily devouring a large hairy eyeball with
chopsticks)
Goofus uses his toes to eat french fries dropped on the floor
at the mall.
(sketch: Maul's toes look suspiciously prehensile, and
apparently he can reach his mouth with them)
**
Gallant asked for a case of dental floss for his birthday.
(sketch: Qui-Gon standing next to Obi-Wan, wrapping paper
scattered everywhere, Obi-Wan oohing and aahing at a huge roll
of floss)
Goofus can remember when he had teeth, if he has a few beers
first.
(sketch: Maul's lovely leer)
**
Gallant develops a deep emotional relationship before venturing
upon physical displays of affection.
(sketch: Obi-Wan and Qui Gon having an angst attack in a rather
disgusted Master Etil's office: sign on the desk reads "Etil--
Jedi Master Healer and Life-Bond Counselor")
Goofus develops massive thigh muscles from slamming strangers
into a wall.
(sketch: Maul violently getting it on with a lover whose face
can't be seen... but the padawan braid looks suspiciously
familiar)
**
Gallant marvels each day at the greatness of his master's
heart.
(sketch: Obi-Wan gazing at Qui-Gon worshipfully, his hands
clasped in a prayerful attitude)
Goofus marvels each day at the greatness of Gallant's master's
package.
(sketch: Maul staring boggled at Qui-Gon's rather prominent
"lightsaber")
**
Gallant hopes that someday he will be a stalwart member of the
Jedi Council.
(sketch: Obi-Wan getting a spanking from Mace Windu)
Goofus hopes that someday he will get to shoot purple lightning
up people's butts.
(sketch: Maul with thought-balloon of him fantasizing about
putting the purple-lightning smack down on Mace's ass)
**
Gallant buys one of each Star Wars toy and stores them
carefully in a cool, dry place.
(sketch: Obi-Wan standing amidst cartons of carefully-sealed
comics, wearing gloves, lovingly putting a boxed 12-inch
Qui-Gon behind glass)
Goofus rips the toys out of the package and dresses them out of
Barbie's lingerie drawer.
(sketch: Maul squatting on his floor, dressing 12-inch Obi-Wan
in a corset and fishnets. Scattered around him are Yoda in
fuck-me boots, Qui-Gon in black leather, and Mace Windu wearing
a ballerina outfit and holding a star-tipped magic wand.
Garbage-can full of packaging in the background.)
**
Gallant respects copyright and trademark laws, in accordance
with the wishes of George Lucas.
(sketch: Obi-Wan warding off fanzines, both hands up palm-out,
shaking his head so hard his little padawan braid is flying)
Goofus is writing this list to make Jagermeister come out of
Darth Sidious's nose.
(sketch: Maul grinning evilly while Sidious spit-takes beer
over the sketch of Maul humping Obi-Wan against a wall)
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