Master
Apprentice  Archive
Saying Goodbye
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It was supposed to be an easy mission. Endorse the treaty between the R'aviis and the Malacas, spend a few nights attending boring receptions, and head home. We were finally headed home, but the treaty was unsigned, a civil war had broken out, and we were running for our lives.
We reached the ship as it was taking off and leapt aboard. I collapsed on the deck, breathless from our Force-enhanced run, and Qui-Gon sprawled down next to me.
"Are you all right, Obi-Wan?"
Was I all right? No, I was not. "Yes, Master, I'm fine."
"You seem angry."
Brilliant observation! "Master, by the Force, what were you thinking? First you insist on including a pathetic third party in the negotiations, then, when the riots started, you break the Code to--" to save me. The words caught in my throat when I saw the hurt expression on his face.
"Obi-Wan, the Espatha had a legitimate claim to their land. I could not stand by and let the R'aviis and Malacas take advantage of them."
"But the Council told us in no uncertain terms that we were to endorse the treaty, even after we presented the Espatha's case."
"The Council was wrong!"
"But the riots..."
"Were started by the R'avii citizens who were appalled by the treatment of the Espatha."
Knowing it was futile to argue with him, I stalked off. The trip to Coruscant was the longest two days I'd ever spent on a transport. Yet as much as I disliked sharing a small cabin with a man I was angry with, I dreaded the return to Coruscant even more. The Council would not be happy with us.
The Council listened patiently to the first five minutes of my report before ushering me out so they could speak to Qui-Gon alone. Sensing his worry through our bond, I tried to reassure him, promising I would be would wait for him outside the chamber doors. It didn't seem to ease his mind, and despite my lingering anger toward him, I began to worry about the outcome myself.
I had always been taught that fear leads to the dark side, and if that were true, my vigil would have turned me into a Sith by the end of the day. I waited outside the Council chambers for hours, pacing back and forth, trying unsuccessfully to release my nervous energy into the Force. My Master was still inside - explaining? pleading? accepting our punishment? Truth was, I had no idea what was going on behind the closed doors and raised shields, and that was what frightened me.
He finally emerged, alone, wearing a disturbed look on his face. No, he didn't look disturbed, he looked defeated. I had never seen that look before, and words caught in my throat as he looked toward me with vacant eyes.
I had so much to ask, but knew he wouldn't answer; not now at least. Following him to our quarters, I noticed how difficult it was to stay behind him - it took me years to adjust my pace to match his long, powerful stride, but today his gait was slow and plodding. I resisted the urge to rush ahead and pull him toward our rooms. I was sick with fear about the possibilities.
We finally reached our quarters, and stood in the common area, facing each other, saying nothing. Finally, I could take it no more.
"Master?"
"No," he shook his head.
No? My heart sank. "Did they separate us? They're dismissing me from the Order, aren't they? I'm no longer a Jedi!"
"No, Obi-Wan, I explained to them that you disagreed with the path I had chosen, and that the only reason you disobeyed the Council edict was because I ordered you to do so. You are still a Padawan in good standing."
I should have been relieved, but had a very bad feeling about this.
Qui-Gon continued. "Obi-Wan, it seems as though I have finally pushed the Council too far. They have decided, based on my actions of this last mission and previous missions, that I am not fit to be a Jedi. I have been expelled from the order."
No, it couldn't be! I shook my head, breathless. It couldn't be. I was dumbstruck. My life was suddenly giving way beneath my feet like quicksand.
"You will be assigned a new Master, as soon as I find someone suitable. That will be my last act as a Jedi." He reached out and cupped my face with his large, calloused hand. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."
I pulled away from him, unable to look in his eyes. "How can they do that? Can't we appeal the decision?" How could Qui-Gon do that? I trembled with anger and fear - he had finally gone too far, and ruined his future - as well as mine.
"The decision is final, Obi-Wan." He reached out for me again, but stopped, turning away from me.
I was speechless - what could I say to a man whose life as a Jedi had just come to an end by his own doing?
He finally stepped toward the door. "I'm going to talk to a few people about the continuation of your training. If you could do one last favor for me, Obi-Wan." He swallowed. "Please pack up my things - the Council wants me to leave as soon as possible."
"Yes, Master," I choked out.
He gave me a pained look. I immediately regretted my words as I watched him drop his head and leave our quarters.
Please pack for him, he asked. Taking his travel bags from the closet, I entered his room, looked around, and wondered where to begin.
Jedi had few possessions. We dressed plainly, were not permitted to accept gifts, and accumulated no wealth. The items we owned were almost always practical in nature - our lightsabers, the tools and clothing we needed for missions on different planets with different climates.
I started by packing his tunics. Though they had recently been cleaned, they still carried a trace of Qui-Gon's scent on them. I pressed my face into them, inhaling deeply, feeling the softness of the fabric and unique feel of Qui-Gon's still present Force essence. Oh, how I would miss him! I felt my anger starting to dissipate as I pressed the bulky clothes down to the bottom of the travel bag.
His utilities were packed next. Most of them were already packed in his well worn utility belt, but I sat on the floor and went through all the items individually to ensure I missed nothing. This was the last duty I would be performing for Qui-Gon, and I wanted to do it right.
Fingering his holopad, I remembered our mission on Herada. He had brought along his collection of holopictures, and I thought we'd spend the trip reminiscing about his past. Instead, he blindfolded me and asked me to describe the pictures in detail, including the history behind each picture. I smiled, remembering how he was amazed at my performance - until he realized I was seeing the pictures and reading his emotions through our bond! He altered the exercise after that, but I'll never forget how close we became during that mission.
He had a few packs of rations, and I put those away, hoping he wouldn't need them. They brought back memories of the many missions we were forced to consume the tasteless slop, and of the few missions when we went without. Qui-Gon would never hesitate to give his food away if he felt someone needed it more. We went for four days without food on Yeveene, when Qui-Gon discovered a small population of people living in an isolated village. The region had been struck with a terrible drought, and the villagers were starving. We gave them what food we had to sustain them until we could contact the more civilized regions of the planet. We then spent months helping the villagers integrate themselves with the rest of the population.
The Council had been furious! But I had never been more proud of Qui-Gon, risking the ire of the Council to do what he thought was right.
I suddenly felt guilty. Qui-Gon did what he thought was right for the Espatha. How could I be angry at him for that? I pushed the thought from my mind. There was nothing I could do about it, and I had to finish my task.
His tools were next, and I smiled to myself when I tucked them in the bag. Qui-Gon was not mechanically inclined, and his older set of tools were not half as worn as my new set. It had become a joke between us, the way he would make a show of analyzing a mechanical problem, stepping back at the last moment to allow his Padawan to do the task. As a lesson, he would say! I laughed, momentarily forgetting he would soon be gone from my life.
I held his underwater breather, running my fingers along the edge that touched his mouth, remembering the miserable water planet Behool. I was young then, overconfident in my own mechanical abilities. I had taken my breather apart, but was unable to put it back together correctly. Qui-Gon and I spent the mission sharing his, and I learned more than I ever wanted to know about controlling my breathing. I also had to learn about controlling other parts of my body. The constant, close proximity to my wet and warm Master had awoken my sexuality. More than that, I had fallen in love with him on that mission.
It wasn't just his body, it was his constant presence in my mind, his steady hand guiding me, his calm words, explaining the power of the Living Force.
I was still in love with him. I always have been, I suppose. I brushed a tear off my damp cheek and continued packing.
Next were Qui-Gon's personal items. A stack of holopictures, meditation beads, his toiletries. Those I packed away quickly. More tears were forming in my eyes, and I struggled to blink them away. I didn't want Qui-Gon's last memory of me to be crying.
His electronic journal was last. It was a small, silver cylinder that easily fit inside my fist. Qui-Gon recorded a message into it every day. My hand trembled when I thought that his entire life had been recorded on this device. I regretted not keeping a journal of my own now. I thought there would always be time to make new memories, to share with the one I loved. Even after my Knighting, I thought that we would be together, that Qui-Gon would be there for me somehow.
I started to pack it away, then stopped. The one I loved. My Master.
I never told him I loved him. And I couldn't now; how could I? I love you, good bye? What could be more cruel?
Sitting back, I regarded his journal. It was rich with his Force essence, and I wanted to keep it, wanted to keep some memento of our time together. Nothing here would be enough, no trinket could replace the warmth I felt when he was near. I wanted to be by his side forever.
But I was a Jedi now, and he was not. I searched my feelings, looking for a way I could remain a Jedi and still be with Qui-Gon. Could I change the Council's mind? I reviewed all the Council decisions I could think of, trying to come up with a loophole or an angle I could use.
I could not think of a loophole, but I did come to an ugly conclusion.
Since I had been an infant in the crèche, I had been taught two truths: Jedi were guided by the Light Side of the Force, and they helped people less fortunate than themselves. It wasn't the code, per se, but how I understood how the code should be applied. It was the reason I trained as hard as I did, made the sacrifices I made.
I realized the Jedi Council was not guided by the Force, nor were they interested in helping people. They were a tool of the senate now, and only cared for the powerful. Only those with influence would be helped. The Council had forgotten what it meant to be Jedi.
But Qui-Gon had not forgotten. He sacrificed everything he knew to follow the guidance of the Force.
I knew what I had to do. I returned to the closet, pulled out my own travel bags, and started packing my belongings.
I had finished by the time Qui-Gon returned.
"Obi-Wan, you'll be pleased to know that Knight Ridelle has agreed to continue your training. He hasn't yet trained a Padawan, but I think you two will make a good match."
"No."
Qui-Gon looked confused. "But I thought you got along well with Ridelle."
"I do, but it doesn't matter," I replied. "I no longer require a Master. I'm leaving the order."
He stepped forward and rested his hands on my shoulders. "Why, Obi-Wan? You have a bright future as a Jedi Knight. Don't throw that away because I made too many mistakes."
"I have thought seriously about this, and my decision is final. I no longer wish to be part of an order that allows it self to be driven by politics instead of guided by the Force."
He fingered my Padawan braid. "But you're not even a knight yet," he whispered. "I can't let you throw your life away like this."
"Qui-Gon," I said, suddenly feeling shy. "I would like to go with you, where ever you are going. I..." I couldn't say it, not even now. Someday, I would be able to gather the courage to tell him I loved him. "You are so much more than a teacher to me," I managed to blurt out.
He tilted my head up and studied at me as though he was trying to see into my soul. He lowered his head, and placed a kiss on my right cheek, then on my left, and finally my lips. I used a touch of the Force to hold him there, and opened myself up to him.
He pulled away for a moment, then pulled my body against his and kissed me again. He lowered his shields so that I could feel his love for me, the disappointment he felt for letting me down, the loneliness he was already feeling because I would be gone from his life. Because I would be gone from his life.
"You're not letting me down," I said.
"You would rather be with me, than be a Jedi?" he asked. His voice was grave, but there was hope in his eyes.
I took a step back, and pulled out a small knife. My hands were surprisingly steady as I grabbed my braid, cut it off and handed it to Qui-Gon. He accepted it with reverence, and tied it around his wrist.
Time froze for a moment. We gazed into each other's eyes, and I could feel the Force swirl around us. We smiled at each other - this felt so right! I no longer worried about my future, knowing I would be with Qui-Gon, and we would let the Force choose our path.
I picked up our lightsabers. "Do we get to keep these?"
He nodded. "Is there any place you want to go, my Obi-Wan? Now that we're free?"
"Yes," I answered. "I believe the Espatha will need representation when they negotiate for a new treaty."
He smiled, and pulled me into his arms. "I love you, Obi-Wan."
"I love you too, Qui-Gon," I whispered.
We walked out of the Jedi temple, side by side, ready to begin our new life together.
End