Master Apprentice
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Good Friends
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The memorial had been well attended, as befitted the passing of a respected Jedi master into the Force. The entire council was present, as were nearly all the other Jedi currently in-temple.
Grief was a palpable presence in the Force. Now, with the service over, it echoed in all the reaches of the temple, as Jedi returned to their normal activities. The nexus of that grief was in Obi-Wan's quarters, in the common room, on the couch, where he sat with Taan.
He had gotten so close to Taan over the last year, once they realized they shared the same affliction. They both loved their own masters with painful abandon. They had commiserated together. They had compared plans for divulging their love after knighthood. As they were both senior padawans, that time hadn't seemed impossibly far off to either of them.
"The worst part is... I never got to tell him I loved him!" Taan's voice wavered and his composure completely dissolved as he covered his face with his hands and began to weep.
Obi-Wan wanted to join him, but felt he had to find some way to offer comfort instead. Although the lump in Obi-Wan's throat made speaking difficult, he placed his hands on Taan's shoulders and insisted, "I'm sure he knew, Taan. I'm sure he knew you loved him!"
"How can you tell me that? Just a few tens before he died you were telling me he didn't suspect a thing!" Taan raised his head from his hands long enough to direct an accusatory glare at Obi-Wan.
That was certainly true. Taan's anxiety over being discovered had been having a negative impact on his training. Obi-Wan had been trying to help, even though the same anxiety had been plaguing him.
Taan's study habits had gone to Sith hells and routine sparring with his master had become trials to be feared. Luckily, Obi-Wan shared most of his classes and had been able to enforce some study sessions. Obi-Wan had also signed up for sparring with Taan, giving Master Ki'Tun the opportunity to watch instead of participate.
"Taan, listen. I'll bet he knew and just didn't let on. My master does things like that. And even if your master didn't know before he died, he does know now."
"Oh, yeah... lot of good that does me! He may be a 'luminous being', but I'm not! I just miss him!"
Obi-Wan wanted to make things better, to somehow redirect the blaster shot that had taken Master Ki-Tun's life, but knew nothing he could do would be adequate.
He settled for drawing his friend into an embrace and saying, "I'm here for you. I don't know how I'd survive if the same thing happened to me, but I'll do anything I can to help you."
Taan reacted with a fresh wave of weeping, this time on Obi-Wan's shoulder. Obi-Wan hesitantly placed one hand on the top of the dark bristles so near his face then stroked lightly downward. His fingertips encountered the braid and he nearly froze, thinking of the ritual he went through each morning with Qui-Gon. How could Taan bring himself to plait it with his own fingers?
Obi-Wan continued stroking, more firmly now, and it seemed to help Taan calm down. The hands clutching his shoulders relaxed somewhat. He hoped this outburst would prove cathartic. Taan needed to live in the present, as unpleasant as it was, and draw comfort from the living.
They remained in near silence for a while, broken by an occasional gasped sob from Taan. Those grew less and less frequent until, with a deep sigh, Taan withdrew to his own side of the couch.
"Thanks," he said, probably needing to keep his speech short for the moment. His eyes, dark brown with reddened sclera, were still filled with tears. His eyelids were puffy and his whole face was flushed deeply, the contrast with his black hair reminiscent of a Zabrakian tatoo.
Obi-Wan thought briefly of retrieving a wet washcloth but decided to stay by Taan's side. Instead, he tugged one sleeve of his tunic over the heel of his palm, then dabbed it on Taan's face where the material on his own shoulder had proved insufficiently absorbant.
When Obi-Wan finished his ministrations, Taan started to try to speak. "I'm sorry to be such a bother, Obi-Wan. It's just... you're the only person who knows... I can't..." Each pause was preceded by a hitch in Taan's voice. He lifted his hands in a helpless gesture.
Obi-Wan grabbed the hands and gave them a strong squeeze. "Don't apologize. I do understand. I only wish I could do more to help."
Taan stared down at his hands as if he were meditating. Obi-Wan watched as Taan's breathing evened out and he slowly regained his usual porcelain complexion.
"I've got to get back..." Taan started, breaking his silence.
"Don't be ridiculous," Obi-Wan interrupted as he stood. "I'm going to make a pot of cha now, and you're going to help me drink it." Obi-Wan decided that Taan needed to be bossed around a bit. He would be getting a new master tomorrow, and maybe that would help fill the void.
As if reading his mind, Taan said, "I don't know if I'll be able to bond with a new master. I don't want a replacement."
Obi-Wan stopped spooning leaves into a pot and said earnestly, "Taan, Master Ki'Tun laid the foundation of your training, but you have to finish it. Don't waste the time you had together. A new master will form a new bond, not replace your old one."
"But it won't be the same at all. Things will never be the same again!"
"That's true. We all wish we could change that. But the best thing you can do is to work hard so that he would be, will be, proud of his accomplishment."
"I want to Obi, I really do. It just hurts so much."
As Obi-Wan poured hot water in the pot, he said, "I know it hurts. I think it always will. But some day, when we're both masters ourselves, we'll have a beer together and we'll laugh about some of the goofy things we did trying to fool our masters. I promise."
After a pause, Taan said, "I'll buy," attempting a half smile.
"Deal. Now, the cha's on me," Obi-Wan said, bringing two steaming mugs over.
While drinking their cha, Taan was able to join Obi-Wan in an almost normal conversation about the beauty of the ceremony and the wonderful things that had been said about Master Ki'Tun.
Many friends had offered personal eulogies. Taan himself had spoken, holding up well as he related the time his master had single-handedly rescued him from a terrorist group. Ki'Tun's own master had paid him an achingly loving tribute that included a few funny anecdotes of his escapades as a padawan. Taan's grandmaster was a long-lived Tindari, still active in the field with yet another padawan in tow these days. But Obi-Wan suspected he felt the loss as keenly as the parent of an only child would.
After they finished the pot, Taan insisted on returning to his own quarters. Obi-Wan offered to stay overnight again, but Taan firmly refused, seeming to have found a fresh resolve.
Not long after Taan left, Qui-Gon returned, as if he had been giving his padawan time alone with his friend.
"How is Taan?" he asked Obi-Wan, concern evident in his voice.
"He was pretty upset for a while after the service," Obi-Wan admitted.
"I'm glad he was with you; you're a very good friend, Obi-Wan. Will you be spending the night in his quarters?"
"No. I offered, but he seemed to want to be on his own."
In response to Qui-Gon's arched brow, Obi-Wan explained, "The memorial service may have actually helped. The pyre ceremony happened so soon after he lost his master that I don't think he had accepted it. I'm glad Yoda decided to put off this service until Ki'Tun's former master could attend. Now that Taan's had a few tens to absorb it, the memorial may have helped him start to heal."
Qui-Gon nodded, but his troubled expression and a muted throbbing in their bond told Obi-Wan that some injuries might never completely heal. Qui-Gon was looking at Obi-Wan, but his gaze was directed inward.
Obi-Wan knew that Qui-Gon still felt his own loss. Xanatos had been a senior padawan, like himself, and had almost been knighted when he turned. Obi-Wan wondered if Qui-Gon had loved him as more than a padawan, and perhaps made plans to tell him so...
"I can't imagine how terrible it would be to lose one's master," Obi-Wan said, laying his hand on the older man's arm, "or padawan," he added very quietly.
Qui-Gon's piercing blue eyes searched Obi-Wan's face. They were still troubled, but at least they were now focussed on his current apprentice. The one he had refused to accept, again and again, despite the urgings of his conscience, his former master, and even the Force itself, after the pain of losing his previous one.
"You're a very good friend, Obi-Wan," he repeated.
Somewhat embarrassed, Obi-Wan mumbled, "I'm glad you think so, Master," while he busied himself pulling out the mats. It was already time for evening meditation. Qui-Gon joined him and Obi-Wan luxuriated in his aura nearby as they both sank into a deep trance.
Obi-Wan reflected on Taan's love for Ki'Tun... the misery it caused now that he was dead... his acute love for his own master... and Qui-Gon's prolonged suffering... love and loss, drawing people together and holding them apart.
When they roused themselves, it was time to straighten up before turning in for the night. Qui-Gon headed for the galley, and Obi-Wan automatically followed him. Qui-Gon took up his usual position next to the rack and started to hand Obi-Wan the dishes, as he did every night they were in temple. Obi-Wan would take them and put them away. This time, when Qui-Gon handed him the plates Obi-Wan felt shattered.
It was so mundane! So trivial! But so precious. Guided by a Force he didn't understand and before he could think, he put the plates down on the counter next to him and blurted out, "Master, I love you!"
Without skipping a beat, Qui-Gon returned, "I know, Obi-Wan. I love you too." He bent to pick up the utensils.
Obi-Wan stopped him by grabbing his arm. "No, I mean I really love you! I like you and respect you as a friend and master but I also want to make love to you. I think about you during the day and have dreams about you at night!" Obi-Wan dropped all his shields to convey exactly how he felt.
Qui-Gon held still for a long moment, looking down at Obi-Wan's face, as if studying it. Obi-Wan couldn't read the expression in his eyes.
Despite Obi-Wan's lack of shielding, he felt no answering echo from his master. Had he made a terrible mistake? Should he have waited until he was knighted after all? Or perhaps not even then?
With a slight sigh, Qui-Gon suddenly smiled. It was a pure, warm smile, unrestrained and untainted. The kind of smile that Obi-Wan rarely saw on any humanoid.
"I knew what you meant, Obi-Wan," he said quietly. "And I meant the same thing." This time he held open his arms and Obi-Wan fell into them, crying as if Qui-Gon had just told him some terrible news.
"Hush, my Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said. "Live in the moment." He kissed the top of Obi-Wan's head as his chest became damp with the young man's tears. "Do not grieve at a time for joy." Qui-Gon's own shields fell away and Obi-Wan was bathed in Qui-Gon's love and happiness.
Obi-Wan raised his tear-covered face in time to capture the kiss that Qui-Gon bent to offer. It was a gentle, quick kiss, one that might have been given on a cheek to a friend.
Obi-Wan suddenly felt disconnected, as if he were watching a holovid. When Qui-Gon began to straighten back up, Obi-Wan looked on in amazement as his own hands clasped behind Qui-Gon's neck and drew him back down.
The next kiss was unlike the first. Obi-Wan's tongue slid along Qui-Gon's warm lips. After a short hesitation, they parted. Sensation flooded back into Obi-Wan as he stroked inside and tasted his master so intimately. He mapped out the rows of slick teeth and the soft walls of the cheeks before he aimed straight and started to thrust deeply. Qui-Gon's tongue welcomed his by curling beneath it. Obi-Wan moaned. He could feel Qui-Gon's desire growing in their bond and the vibrations of Qui-Gon's sub-verbal response shot directly to his groin, burning away all sadness, leaving him intensely aware of the present.
He was kissing his master! Even better, he was making love to his mouth! He should have felt guilty; instead he felt inspired. Both the Force and his own body seemed to be urging him onward. One part of him was particularly affirming. Obi-Wan pressed his hardness against Qui-Gon's thigh, but Qui-Gon suddenly broke the kiss and pulled away.
Qui-Gon's shields snapped back up. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, but this can go no further. I do not want to undermine your training by acting on our love," Qui-Gon said regretfully, gently holding Obi-Wan at bay by the shoulders.
"Master..." Obi-Wan moaned as he reflexively reached out towards Qui-Gon. Sith! For once he had been truly living in the moment! It had felt so right to him, even though their actions were disapproved of by the council. Just this once, he saw the value of rebelling against it.
"Master," Obi-Wan started again in a more normal voice, "I understand. But I've seen the harm it can do to not act on love." Obi-Wan placed his hands over Qui-Gon's.
"You must think about the problem I would have as your master," Qui-Gon said, shifting into his pedagogical tone. "How could I remain unbiased in assessing your readiness for knighthood if I were your lover, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon pulled his hands away and crossed his arms.
"You've already admitted that you love me. Are you unbiased now?" Obi-Wan retorted. "Are you sure you are not speeding things up? Or over-compensating instead? Maybe it would be better if you didn't have an incentive for me to reach knighthood." He knew this argument would hit the mark. His master had a tendency to second-guess himself.
Qui-Gon froze as if stung by a zyrfly. Then he resumed with an effort, "Obi-Wan, there is a reason master-padawan relationships are frowned upon. If we were lovers, you might not be able to respect me as your master, and I might not be able to treat you as a padawan."
Maybe that was the general rule. But Qui-Gon was already so much more than a master to him. "Being your padawan doesn't stop me from being your friend. It doesn't stop me from loving you. Why should it stop me from making love to you?"
"When one has a lover, priorities can change," Qui-Gon continued as if representing the council. "Your knighthood must remain your top priority. If we were lovers you might not be able to continue to focus on that goal."
"That might be a danger if the lover I took didn't care about the same things I cared about. But you're the only person in the universe who cares about my knighthood as much as I do," Obi-Wan insisted. "If you didn't care so much, we'd be doing something other than talking right now."
Qui-Gon sighed deeply. "You make it sound simple, but it's not. What if we broke off? Do you think your training would remain unaffected?"
Qui-Gon had a point. Obi-Wan imagined a relationship with his master would last forever, but he realized any naive lover would feel that way. Still, it wasn't his own judgment that was directing him tonight.
"I think there are risks no matter what path we choose. Honestly, Master, I don't want to pressure you into anything you feel is wrong. Until the moment I told you I loved you, I had been intending to wait until my knighthood. But it felt so right to me then. It still does." Obi-Wan pulled Qui-Gon's arms apart and held the large hands. "Can't you feel it, Master? You've always been able to read the Force more clearly than I can. Am I deluding myself?"
Qui-Gon paused, and Obi-Wan feared he would pull his hands away again. Then suddenly Qui-Gon conceded, "No, Obi-Wan, you're not. You are right about what the Force is urging. But the Force is not a master to be obeyed without question..."
"No master should be obeyed without question." interjected Obi-Wan, archly.
"...and I can't believe it is right to put your training at risk," Qui-Gon continued, refusing to be side-tracked. He did pull his hands away then and recrossed his arms.
Deja vu swept over Obi-Wan, reflecting the time before Qu-Gon had become his master. Obi-Wan had felt like he was beating his head against a plasteel wall when Qui-Gon had refused to accept their destiny as a training pair. But Obi-Wan had known he was right then and he knew he was right now.
He didn't want to reopen the wound of his master's past. He didn't want to force him to face that pain again. But remembering the past was the way to start true healing and Obi-Wan felt he had no choice.
"Master, I know you. I know you don't choose to ignore the Force lightly. I know of only one other time."
The time any relationship between them had almost been stillborn. And the seemingly corporeal fallout had acted as a wedge for years, preventing Obi-Wan from completely trusting Qui-Gon as a master. It wasn't until Obi-Wan had come to know Qui-Gon as a friend that he had realized the truth.
Obi-Wan cast his eyes downward. "I was hurt badly by your rejection, Master, in part because I knew you were bucking the will of the Force. I'd heard about Xanatos, and I thought you were being... selfish, frankly, protecting yourself from me and the possibility of failure. Those thoughts didn't disappear when you changed your mind."
Obi-Wan raised his eyes to meet Qui-Gon's gaze before continuing, "It wasn't until much later I realized you were trying to protect me from you and the possibility of failure. Better for me to become an Agricorps worker than a Jedi turned to the dark."
Qui-Gon made a soft noise. Obi-Wan took it as an acknowledgement.
"You chose to ignore the Force when you thought you were putting my interests ahead of your own. But please think. Have you regretted your decision to take me as your padawan?"
"Never, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon replied, both his voice and his expression softening. "Never for a moment. And the more I've come to know you, the clearer it's become what a tragic mistake I almost made. You will be a great Jedi knight. I must make sure of that."
"Then trust the Force to show you the way." Obi-Wan stepped very close. He looked down at Qui-Gon's arms, blocking off his chest... his embrace... his heart, and wished they would part. "I managed to change your mind the last time you were wrong about what was best for me. This time, I feel obligated. After all, 'Friends don't let friends ignore the will of the Force.'"
Qui-Gon laughed, the deep melodic tones sending delightful shivers through Obi-Wan's body. Obi-Wan looked up hopefully.
Qui-Gon paused for a moment. Just an instant, really, but Obi-Wan felt time stretch until he was sure he could have written a novel. He just didn't know how the ending should turn out.
Then Qui-Gon grabbed Obi-Wan and crushed him to his chest and his mouth found Obi-Wan's like it was returning home. This time Qui-Gon took the lead and his thick tongue stiffly demanded entrance, which Obi-Wan more than willingly granted. Obi-Wan felt love and Force filling him, along with the tongue, as Qui-Gon fed his emotions to him through the bond.
He returned them as best he was able, but he was quickly losing control. He would have been in a blissful state if it weren't for the searing desire he needed to sate. His body acted without any conscious guidance as it wrapped itself around the pillar of his master and ground into him.
Qui-Gon broke the kiss suddenly, pulling his face away, and Obi-Wan's heart sank as he dreaded the possibility of his master having second thoughts again.
But Qui-Gon's gaze was filled with love, bordering on awe. "You are a very good friend, Obi-Wan," he reiterated, breathing much heavier this time. "And you'll be a wonderful lover, too."
Not embarrassed at all, Obi-Wan replied, "I'm glad you think so, Master," before plunging in for another Force-fulfilling kiss. Very glad indeed, he added to himself.
And that turned out to be Obi-Wan's last coherent thought for the night.