The Gift Of The Magi

by Pumpkin (apumpkin@rogers.com)

Archive: yes

Author's webpage: https://www.squidge.org/~pumpkin/

Category: humour

Rating: G

Summary: A re-telling of the story of the three wise men

Warnings: none

Spoilers: none

Feedback: Yes, please -any and all feedback is always appreciated

Disclaimers: Mine they are not

Notes: Joyful Epiphany to all and Merry Christmas to any of our members who might be orthodox.

magi \Ma"gi\, n. pl. [L., pl. of Magus, Gr. ?; of Per. origin. Cf. Mage, Magic.]
A caste of priests, philosophers, and magicians, among the ancient Persians; hence, any holy men or sages of the East.

The suns shone down on the vast sea of sand, an unruly endless landscape that spread out as far as the eye could see. Three men travelled over the sands, swaying back and forth on their rontos, the great beasts of burden plodding along at an even, but slow gait. The travellers were all men, dressed in plain garments dyed the colours of the earth: bone, sand and mud. They each wore dark cloaks, the hoods drawn up to protect them from the harsh rays of the two suns. In addition to the men, each beast carried a single worn leather satchel.

They rode in silence, sitting easily on the beasts, like men long used to the rolling gait and with little enough to say to one another -as if they had already said everything there was to say. One man was tall, sitting upon his ronto like a king on horseback, the second, somewhat smaller, lounged on his beast, while the third was old and wizened and sighed both often and loudly.

"There yet are we?" asked Yoda, the gravely voice giving the petulant tone an irritating edge.

"Quit your grumbling, Old Man. We've all been in the saddle the same amount of time," Obi-Wan Kenobi, the youngest of the three, shot back.

"When eight hundred years you have seen, tired your bu-"

"Will you stop that! You are not eight hundred years old."

"Oh, and at my birth you were?"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. The old man needed new material. "And you can lay off the tortured syntax. I know you think it impresses the masses, but you'll notice there aren't any around at the moment."

"Hrmpf. Respect for your elders you have none."

"Back me up here, Qui-Gon. I know it annoys you as much as it annoys me."

"As a matter of fact, I find you both annoying. Is it too much to ask you two to be silent and enjoy the beauty of the world around you?"

"Beauty?" snorted Yoda.

"You mean this endless wasteland?" asked Obi-Wan.

"You've got to be kidding," they finished together.

"Well, at least you agree on something," said Qui-Gon dryly.

"It's not like the scenery's changed much in the last, oh ten years or so," complained Obi-Wan.

"Each grain of sand is different, Padawan."

"If you look close enough."

"With time you will learn to both look and be amazed by what you see. Do you know how many grains there are?" Qui-Gon spoke with passionate wonder.

"Too many," answered Obi-Wan.

"And each is different. Is that not a marvel?"

"Maybe for the first couple of years, but after ten, Master? Even the villages have become tedious. There are times I think all we've done is travel in circles."

"Patience you have not," said Yoda with a sniff.

"I just don't like wasting my time."

"And what would you be doing if we weren't on our journey?" Qui-Gon asked him.

"I can think of a few things," murmured Obi-Wan. Neither Qui-Gon nor Yoda replied.

The swaying motion of the ronto and the stifling heat of the desert soon proved to be too powerful a combination and Yoda's head drooped forward. Obi-Wan urged his mount ahead to ride alongside Qui-Gon's. The Magi gave him a warm smile, but didn't speak and they continued for some time, legs brushing now and then as their mounts plodded over the sandscape.

A loud snore punctuated the quiet and Obi-Wan grew tense. He had just relaxed when another snore ripped through the quiet and his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"The least he could do is snore at regular intervals," complained Obi-Wan as a third snore vibrated through the air. "Once he starts I keep waiting for the next one and it's torture."

"You could wake him," suggested Qui-Gon mildly. A snort was his only answer, though the weight of the words Obi-Wan held back hung heavily in the air and Qui-Gon chuckled.

"You think I'm funny," Obi-Wan accused.

"I think the pair of you wouldn't know what to do without the other to complain about."

"I think the sun's fried his brains," suggested Obi-Wan.

"At least I have them to be fried," came the response from behind them.

"What makes you think I was talking about you?"

"Heard everything I did."

"You were asleep!"

"When-"

Obi-Wan cleared his throat.

"-you have ears this big you'll be able to hear in your sleep too," finished Yoda smugly.

Night fell slowly, and with the growing darkness that urged them to make camp came the cold that made a mockery of the heat of the day.

Obi-Wan gazed disconsolately into the sky.

"The star still hasn't re-appeared, Master."

"No, I don't expect that it will."

"Then how do you know where to go?"

"It was south-east of us and that is the direction we will follow until we find the Chosen One(tm)."

"We've been traveling for almost ten years, Qui-Gon. I was only a boy, newly apprenticed when it appeared. Surely we should have found your Chosen One(tm) by now."

"We will find him when we are supposed to, not a moment sooner."

"What if it wasn't the right star?

"Its coming was predicted and all the other signs were in place. Two masters and two apprentices -four numbering three. And the star appeared for three days and three nights, one of the days having an eclipse of the sun -four nights numbering three."

"What if you're interpreting it wrong or what if your star wasn't a star at all?"

"Not a star? Bah! What then?" asked Yoda, joining their debate.

"I don't know," admitted Obi-Wan. "I've heard stories of ships that travel among the stars carrying adventurers, maybe it was one of those."

Master Yoda laughed, the high-pitched wheezing sound turning into a coughing fit. "A ship?" he managed to gasp out, "in the sky?"

"It was just an idea," said Obi-Wan defensively.

"Rather far-fetched," commented Qui-Gon as Yoda continued to laugh himself into another coughing fit.

"I was just demonstrating how it could have been something other than a star. Besides isn't this whole thing a bit far-fetched? I mean, really, following a star, long gone, until we find a Chosen One(tm). We look like crazies."

Qui-Gon drew himself up to his full height. "The prophecies have been handed down from master to apprentice for thousands of years. The legends of the Chosen One(tm) are the most sacred of these. Yoda is right; you have no respect for your elders, for what has gone before."

"Master, I meant you no disrespect."

And so the day flowed into night and into day again as it had for over ten years.

They had not been traveling long the next day when a town came shimmering into view in the distance. Obi-Wan was the first to see it; Yoda's eyes were not what they used to be and Qui-Gon was busy examining the sand as they moved over it, a soft smile gracing his bearded features.

"Well done," praised Qui-Gon. Yoda grunted but when Qui-Gon turned to frown at him the old man subsided, keeping whatever he was going to say to himself.

"It's much larger than the other villages we've come across, isn't it?" asked Obi-Wan, excitement pitching his voice high.

"It would seem so," agreed Qui-Gon, cautiously.

"Do you think it's the place we're looking for?"

"We shall soon know. Do you remember the three signs, Obi- Wan?"

Obi-Wan was in too good a mood to sass his master. Of course he knew the signs -they'd been making this journey for ten years with precious little to do but go over the various legends and prophesies that made up the main body of their beliefs.

"And a village shall rise from the earth as if sprung from its loins. Yea though there be vices too many to count, here shall be born the Chosen One(tm). By this sign shall you know the village: I - L - M," quote Obi-Wan. "Of course, so far all of the villages kind of spring up from nowhere, but we usually get stuck on the vices thing. Sex, booze and dice pretty much sums it up and too many to count's gotta be higher than three. Isn't that right, Yoda? Back when you were born people could count past three, couldn't they? Mind you that would account for the eight hundred years old thing."

"Obi-Wan."

"Sorry, Master," said Obi-Wan, sounding anything but. "But even if you give a lot of leeway on the vices thing, we haven't been able to find anything that could be the I - L - M sign. Not even anything close enough to have us re-examine the prophecy."

"Very good," said Qui-Gon. "You have much to learn yet, my young apprentice, but I have taught you all that I know."

"Thank you, Master," said Obi-Wan as he wondered why the man couldn't just give him a straight compliment; everything had to be couched in riddles and puzzles. It was "Obi-Wan your lips are like the sweet Nafta river under a full moon" and "my apprentice, to ride you must first be the perfect mount".

Obi-Wan hoped this was finally the village where they would find his master's Chosen One(tm). He wanted this endless search to finally be over; he wanted a bed, a bath, and to not be finding sand in every nook and cranny.

As they reached the first building, a low, domed affair made out of a rock-like substance, Obi-Wan clutched his master's arm. "Look! There, on the bottom right hand corner." Appearing as if they had been scratched into the sand-coloured building was the sign I L M.

"Steady, steady," said Qui-Gon.

"Are you kidding, that's two out of the three," Obi-Wan could hardly contain his excitement.

"You there," Yoda called out and a short, squat man with a funny gait stopped to glare up at them. "Vices have you here, yes?"

"More than you could count," snarled the man. He spat on the ground as they passed. "Poodoo."

"Vices too many to count," said Obi-Wan, almost bouncing in his seat and clapping, except that he knew that would send his ronto into an impromptu frenzy and it was far more dignified to stay in one's seat. "Poodoo...what do you think that means, Master?"

"Term of respect, it was," said Yoda.

Obi-Wan barely swallowed his snort. He had the rest of the day to make it through yet before he was again accused of disrespecting his elders.

They rode slowly through the town and Obi-Wan pointed out one large building after another, but Qui-Gon shook his head at each one. Finally, he stopped his ronto in front of a modest building and dismounted.

"Why here, Master? The buildings I pointed out were all much larger and fancier."

"They don't fit into what we know of the circumstances of the Chosen One(tm)'s birth. We are more likely to find what we need at this more modest establishment."

As they entered the low building, all having to duck to enter, save Yoda, a chime rang out. Alerted by the noise, an ugly, unkempt, but winged man, came to the counter. He looked them up and down, apparently unimpressed with their simple garments.

"I'm busy, what do you want?"

"We three wise men," began Qui-Gon. Behind him he could hear Yoda clearing his throat. Loudly. "We three wise men," he continued, "are here on a most sacred search."

"What's your problem old man?" whispered Obi-Wan.

"Wise man you are not!"

"You want Qui-Gon to have to explain our rank system to everyone we meet? We're wise men see, and I'm a master Magi, this here is my apprentice Magi and the old gnome back there is our mascot Magi."

"Judge me by my size do you? I can still strip you naked and put you over my knee, you impudent upstart."

"Excuse me a moment, please," said Qui-Gon with a small bow to their winged host. Turning to the two bickering behind him he hissed "the two of you are killing our credibility here."

They subsided, though Qui-Gon could feel them glaring at each other behind his back.

"I don't have time for this," said their host, who still hadn't introduced himself, though as the man turned to toss his notebook on the counter, Qui-Gon noticed the small i l m scratched into his backside.

"I do beg your pardon, sir. What we are looking for is a baby. A child of uncommon circumstance and ability. We have brought with us gifts of myrrh, frankincense and shiny rocks. We were hoping that you could direct us to the Chosen One(tm)."

"Chosen One(tm)? I don't know any Chosen One(tm)!" yelled the shop owner. "Be gone with you."

He chased them back to their rontos and Qui-Gon opened his satchel, pulling out the scroll of prophecy with a puzzled frown. The bag of gold he carried in his satchel glinted in the bright sunlight.

"Wait a minute," said the winged man. "Maybe I can help you. This child is a boy, cute if you like that sort of thing?"

"Yes, that sounds right," Qui-Gon told him. The shop owner eyed the bag of shiny rocks and Qui-Gon handed it over for his inspection. "Is his mother a virgin?" he asked.

The shop owner looked into the bag and whistled. "A virgin?" he looked again into the bag. "Yeah, sure she is."

Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Yoda looked at one another, trying to control their excitement. "Can you tell us where to find them?"

"For the contents of this bag I'll not only tell you where they are but I'll sell the boy to you, too."

"Done," said Qui-Gon.

The shop owner spat in his hand and held it out to Qui-Gon, who looked at the damp, dirty palm and grimaced. Turning to Obi-Wan he motioned for his apprentice to seal the bargain. Spitting into his own palm, Obi-Wan shook the shop owner's hand. The boy was theirs.

"Two streets over, the brown door with 'DV lives here' cut into it."

"Thank you," said Qui-Gon, bowing to the shop owner.

"I thought we were supposed to give the gold to the Chosen One(tm), along with the frankincense and the myrrh," remarked Obi-Wan as they followed the shopkeeper's directions.

"That was one interpretation, but it seems more likely that the reason we needed to bring it was to secure his purchase."

"Don't you think it was rather co-incidental that the one shopkeeper we questioned happened to own our Chosen One(tm)?"

"The Force works in mysterious ways, my young Obi-Wan."

"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan rolled his eyes at Qui-Gon, but made sure he did it while his master's back was turned.

Arriving at the door in question, they dismounted once more and knocked. A woman, time and care worn, answered the door.

"Can I help you?"

"We are three wise men, who have come from afar, seeking a Chosen One(tm). We believe it is your son. We have bought him from the shopkeeper."

She opened the door to them at that. "Ani," she called out. "Your new owners are here." A boy of about 10 ran out into the small hall, looking up at them. "I hope you've got plenty to eat," she told them. "He's eating me into the streets."

"I thought he was supposed to be a baby," said Obi-Wan, still sceptical.

"I must admit I thought there was supposed to be a manger," said Qui-Gon.

"Oh there was," said Shmi. "It was my job to clean it and when my time came, I just squatted and out he popped."

"Is there a father?" asked Qui-Gon.

Shmi looked at him like he's lost his mind. "Of course there's a father. Just because I had too much to drink and can't remember what he looked like, or what his name was...What do you think this was? An immaculate conception or something?"

"Well," began Qui-Gon.

"Come on, Master," whispered Obi-Wan. "What happened to 'that's one interpretation' and 'trust in the Force'?"

"Indeed." Turning back to Shmi, Qui-Gon graced her with a sad smile. "I'm afraid we didn't have enough to purchase you as well, so we'll be going home with just the boy."

"Let me just get you some sandwiches for the road."

And so the four soon found themselves on their way again.

"Master, can I have the kid as my apprentice?" asked Obi-Wan, looking forward to long hours of torturing the boy as his master had tortured him. At least it would give him something to do on their ten year journey back to the Magi home temple.

"Sure, why not," replied Qui-Gon over the protests sputtering from Yoda.

"And that," finished Anakin, "was how the three wise men delivered the Chosen One(tm) from slavery, fulfilling the prophecy."

Leia and Luke clapped happily and Amidala leaned over to give her husband a kiss.

"You do have a gift for capturing voices," 'dala complimented Anakin.

"Except for Grandpa Yoda and I -we don't pick at each other like that," complained Obi-Wan; his comment was met with laughter. "What?"

"Oh Uncle Obi-Wan, you and Grandpa Yoda always bicker like that," little Leia told him.

"Fine. But why then did Qui-Gon get to be normal?"

"That's because he is, Uncle Obi-Wan," said Anakin with a grin.

"You're just being nice because he married into the family," said Obi-Wan, giving his elderly lover a coy smile.

"We had to pick up some good blood somehow," retorted Anakin.

"Daddy, daddy!" Anakin turned to his daughter as she pulled at his pant legs.

"Yes, my little princess?"

"Tell us another story, please Daddy? And I want to be in this one this time -a beautiful princess," said Leia.

"And I want to be a knight who rescues her," added Luke.

"I can rescue myself," insisted Leia.

"Honestly, Ani," said Amidala, "I don't know where they come up with this stuff, but they definitely get their imagination from you."

Anakin smiled fondly at his wife before turning his attention to the two rapt faces in front of him.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armoured space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy..."

End.