Master Apprentice
Archive
Good Intentions on the Road to Hell #8: A Change of Heart
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Archive: MA, SWAL, my website http://www.redrosepress.co.uk/clarence
Category: OW/Luke, angst
Rating: R
Warnings: None.
Summary: Obi-Wan shows Luke what Jedi stamina is all about.
Feedback: yes please, any comments very welcome.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Author's Notes: Part of my 'Good Intentions on the road to Hell' series but it does stand on its own.
Chronological order:
Thanks again to Lexin and Smitty for the Beta.
I watch Luke use the lightsabre against the drone. He's learning fast. But that often happens with those strong in the Force and the Force is very strong in Luke; just as it was in his father. They are so alike that I almost feel I've travelled through time to watch Anakin train just one last time. But that thought leads to more painful ones and suddenly my old bones ache with the years that have passed. But while I've been daydreaming, Luke has begun to tire and is losing his connection to the Force.
"Enough, stop for now," I say. "You are losing your focus. The Force must flow naturally through you."
He stops, sighs heavily, takes off the helmet and turns to me.
"Today has been very difficult," I continue. "And tomorrow will not be much easier. Get some rest, we will continue in the morning."
Luke deactivates his father's lightsabre and looks down at the ground.
"I don't want to sleep," he says. "I can feel the nightmares waiting. I keep thinking about all the little things that Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru ever asked of me, things that I couldn't be bothered to do then and now never can."
He looks just like a lost child and I am painfully reminded of another time, another child.
"I can't remember the last time I thanked them for anything," he continues. "I keep thinking of all the times..."
"Luke," I interrupt for both his sake and mine. "Your Aunt and Uncle knew you cared. Keep them alive in your memory with the good times, not the bad. You were never a disappointment to them. Never doubt that. Never doubt yourself. Always remember that you are strong, both in yourself and in the Force."
My words seem to bring him little comfort. However, he doesn't resist when I take him by the arm and guide him to the cabin that Captain Solo assigned to us. I enter first and sit on one of the bunks. I want to make sure he asleep before I go to meditate. Luke follows me in but remains standing, staring unhappily at the other bunk. Patiently, I wait.
"Ben," he says eventually, turning to me. "Look, I know how this sounds, but I don't want to sleep alone tonight. In fact, I don't want to sleep at all. I just want to forget. Please give me something good to remember."
For once in my life, I understand what Luke is asking for. I look at him bemused. I'm a broken old man now, why should he want me? Perhaps he just needs a warm body and I'm the only one available. I'm about to tell him that he would sleep better alone - but I have thought this before and been wrong. Terribly wrong.
Had I ever realised the effect that the granting, or denial, of my favours would have on the galaxy I would have put a sign on my door saying 'Open for business, all welcome' and anyone could have come in and done whatever they pleased. I refused Qui-Gon because I wanted our future to be sure, but then I learned that nothing is certain and was left blind to everything but my loss.
Anakin never asked until it was too late and I, lost in my grief, never thought that he could feel towards me as I had felt towards my own Master. I gave Anakin what love I could; apparently it wasn't enough. And Palpatine took that love for me, twisted it and used it as a path to the Dark Side while I continued to wound my apprentice with my obliviousness.
Of all the people Anakin destroyed, I am the only one who deserved it. The Council might have been intransigent and blind to the tragedy playing out before them but it was I who was the instrument of Anakin's fall.
I don't know if this is a mistake, but if denying one Skywalker my bed has caused such darkness then maybe sharing it with another might be the path back to the light.
Luke is beginning to look uncomfortable at my silence. I make my decision and, before it's too late, I stand, take him by the shoulders and softly kiss him. Through the embryonic bond between us I send all that he means to me and to the future. Gently, I let him have all the love that his father never got.
"Come," I say to him after a while. "Perhaps we can give each other a little comfort in this dark time. But you'll have to remember," I add, smiling, "that I'm not a young man anymore."
"Ah, but you have Jedi stamina," he replies cheekily.
I laugh and decide to show this whippersnapper what Jedi stamina really used to mean.
Later in the darkness I stroke blond hair. Luke is on the edge of sleep. Once again, youth has been defeated by experience. "Ben," he whispers. "Promise me that I won't lose you as well."
"Believe me, Luke, whatever happens, I will always be with you," I reply quietly into his ear.
I kiss him but he is already asleep. I relax into the Force and let a little of the future into my mind.
"You have an incredible destiny ahead of you," I continue, safe in the knowledge that he cannot hear me. "For it is you who will re-build the Jedi. But please do not repeat our mistakes; build it differently to the past. Build it better."
Anakin and Palpatine wiped us out because we were ripe for destruction. Both the Republic and the Jedi were overconfident, complacent and stagnant. I lived through those days and suffered pain beyond belief but now I believe that, like a phoenix from the ashes, something better will come from it all. That is all that kept me alive for in the desert for twenty years.
So while Luke sleeps, I pour into his mind as much strength as I can. It's all I have to give him and I trust that it is enough. I leave little for myself but I have no need of more; my time is near and I am tired of being a pawn of fate.v Satisfied that I have done all that I can, I relax fully in the moment. And this moment is truly worth savouring. I have a beautiful man, that I care deeply about, lying sated in my arms and the prospect of waking him before morning to tire him out again. True perfection eluded me, but this moment is close.