Master Apprentice
Archive
Good Intentions on the Road to Hell #5: Not So Unobtainable After All
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Archive: MA.
Category: A/Amidala, O/A UST, O/Bruck, Q/O in the past, angst
Rating: PG
Warnings: None.
Spoilers: TPM.
Summary: Anakin, thinking he's over Obi-Wan, marries Amidala. Needless to say it all goes horribly wrong.
Feedback: yes please, any comments very welcome.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Series: Good Intentions on the road to Hell -- Chronological order:
Attempting the Impossible
Attempting the Impossible - Epilogue
Re-affirming the Bond
Anniversaries and Beginnings
Not so Unobtainable After All
Paving Stones
Building a Brave New World (coming eventually)
A Change of Heart
A Present from the Past (in beta and due to be finished very soon)
Author's Notes: Qui-Gon may have died 12 years ago but he has certainly not been forgotten.
Thanks to Lexin and Mave for the Beta.
When I was little my mom used to tell me all kinds of fairy tales but I didn't believe them. I mean, how could you? Those kind of things just don't happened in real life. But that was before my life became more incredible than any story I ever heard. If being rescued from slavery to become a Jedi apprentice wasn't amazing enough, yesterday I got engaged to the Queen of an entire planet!
But - and it's a big one - if my life is so great, how come I'm feeling so depressed?
It doesn't take a genius to work it out. The answer is sleeping in the bunk across from me in the ship taking us back to Coruscant. Obi-Wan Kenobi, my Master, hero of the Clone Wars, my best man and object of my best fantasies.
Don't get me wrong, I love Amidala. Yesterday was unbelievable, but now I realise what the betrothal means. I have to give up hoping to make him mine as now I've found someone else.
I can't bear the thought of it.
I don't know how it happened, but now I'm sitting on the edge of his bunk rather than the edge of mine. And to make matters worse, my crazy, mixed up thoughts have disturbed him.
"What's the matter, Anakin?" he asks sleepily as he rubs his eyes. He may be my Master but now he only looks like a sleepy child. I've never understood how he manages to be both a figure of respect and at times still so cute.
I take one of his hands and kiss it. It isn't enough but it's all I can have. Oh yeah, I have his love - well, whatever love Qui-Gon Jinn hasn't got.
I found out all about that just over a year ago and I shouted and screamed about how much I hated Qui-Gon. I'm still ashamed to remember it. But it wasn't true - I don't hate him, never have. I'm jealous of him, yes, but that's different. Qui-Gon, was a kind, good man and I wish he was here now. He knew how to make Obi-Wan return his feelings. I can't even make my Master notice that I love him. Even after that scene a year ago he still has no idea. Sometimes I want to shout at him 'How can you be so blind?'. I want to shake him until he understands and I want to do much more to him, so, so much more that it tears me up inside.
My Master is awake now and he's looking worried. I'm stronger in the Force than he is and I'm shielding my thoughts, so he only knows that I'm upset. Concerned, he starts to pull me towards him and I virtually catapult myself into his arms and wrap myself around him. He stifles a grunt of surprise, but returns the embrace, then gently kisses my forehead in an attempt to calm me.
"Anakin, Anakin. Please tell me. Whatever it is I'll do anything I can to help," he says.
That's it. I can't take any more and start to sob hysterically into his neck. I've never been more miserable in my whole life. He hasn't held me like this in years and it is a sweet torture. This could drive me insane. I can't stay in his arms because I know I'm going to do something stupid and I couldn't bear his rejection, but how am I going to find the strength to pull away?
"Do you still miss Qui-Gon?" I ask suddenly in a gap between my sobs. He stiffens at the question but answers.
"Yes. Yes I do."
"Do you think you'll ever meet anyone like him again?" I know I'm nothing like Qui-Gon.
"It's been over ten years and it hasn't happened yet." He pauses. "Anakin, why you are asking these things?"
I don't want to answer. I'm too scared. But I am a Jedi and we are taught to confront our fears. So, I summon my strength and I blurt out something I've wanted to ask him since I found him looking so lovingly at that holo of Qui-Gon last year and I asked a few questions around the Temple and got some very unpleasant answers.
"They say that you were in love but that you were waiting until you were a Knight before, well... but that he died first," I say into his collarbone. "That you're just biding time until you meet him again."
He's gone very still, I can barely feel him breathing.
"Who says this?"
"Everyone."
He sighs and lifts my head so he can look into my eyes as he speaks. I'm not crying anymore.
"Anakin, love doesn't have to end badly. Many people feel scared when they make an important commitment. It's not bad to worry about the future, but you must live in the moment and not let fear of the future, or the past, consume you." He's gazing intently into my eyes, willing me to understand.
"You and Amidala love each other," he continues. "And that makes you vulnerable. But our greatest strengths come from understanding our vulnerabilities. You will find that the relationship with those you love will shape your life like nothing else can. It can make you stronger and happier than you thought possible.
"The fact that Amidala is a Queen will make it harder, but you are well up to the challenge," he adds reassuringly.
He thinks I've got pre-wedding nerves. He thinks I find it daunting to marry a Queen. He never, ever notices when people take a romantic interest in him. Even Chancellor Palpatine mentioned it to me once. Asked me what it was like to be with the legendary Obi-Wan Kenobi, The Unobtainable Knight, Slayer of a Thousand Romantic Dreams. 'What is it like to watch all those hopeful hearts fall by the wayside?' I laughed at that one. If only Palpatine had known the truth.
I used to think my Master was waiting for me to get older, maybe even until I was a Knight. I wanted to think that he was saving himself for me. I'm sure he would if he could, but now I know that no one can have him. Not anymore.
My outburst has allowed me to start to let go. Obi-Wan has his memory of Qui-Gon to keep him going and I have Amidala. I think I've got the better deal and in time I'm sure I'll accept it.
"I understand," I say and smile up at him. He smiles then gently wipes my tears away and kisses my eyes. I can feel his love for me, for his student. Oh, Qui-Gon, how could you leave him? How could you let mere death separate you?
At last I can bear his embrace in the manner he means it. No living thing means more to him than I do and eventually that will be enough for me.
"I'm sorry I woke you," I say as pull away from his arms.
"Don't be. I'm sorry I didn't wake earlier." He pauses. "Anakin, you do know that you can always talk to me. Don't you? Regardless of what it is."
"I know," I say as I head for my bunk. I sleep easily. I'm finally really appreciating how amazing my life has become.
I must be the happiest man alive. Let's face it, I've got it all: looks, talent, position, and I'm married to a truly wonderful woman. The wedding was the biggest celebration this sector had seen for a century, and why not? Both Amidala and I are very special people. I had a General for my best man and Supreme Chancellor Palpatine himself was the official witness. I nearly danced up the aisle. Amidala looked amazing. Even Colonel Panaka was happy. Only the best people got invitations and there was some pretty serious grovelling to get on that 'in' list.
And they weren't disappointed. Everyone was able to put the Republic's troubles behind them and have a great time. I don't think I overheard the words - civil unrest, pirates or economic difficulties - once.
Then there was the month-long honeymoon! I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wipe this smile off my face. But I really have to try as we're back at Theed and I am looking forward to seeing Obi-Wan at the 'welcome home' reception tonight. My Trials are soon and I want to tell him everything before I take them. How I had this incredible crush on him, that it made me say and do such silly things. But now I realise that my future is with this incredible woman and I can let those silly adolescent dreams go. He'll be so proud that I've accepted the situation and managed to move on.
My beautiful wife joins me on the balcony to her chambers. I kiss her. I'm beginning to think that I'd rather like to make her late for the reception when Sabe rushes in.
"I have such good news," she says as she grabs us both by the arm and leads us back inside.
"I'm sure knocking used to be part of the entry procedure to the Queen's chambers," my wife teases her gently.
"Just you wait until you see what I have to show you. It looks like you're not the only ones who are lucky in love," Sabe says.
I look questioningly at Sabe; she's not normally one for gossip and neither is Amidala. Sabe giggles at my expression.
"Oh, you are going to love this," she says and drags us along the corridor to a balcony overlooking one of the inner courtyards. She looks down, obviously trying to find something, and after a little while says, "There."
I look to where she's pointing and see three Jedi. One is my Master, another my friend Padawan Vax Hosler. I don't recognise the third.
"Obi-Wan is here already? Why hasn't he come to see us?" I ask.
"Well it could either be that he thinks you two want to be alone, or perhaps... he's got something else on his mind." Sabe giggles again.
I look down, still confused, to see that Vax has left. I keep watching, wondering what all this is about when the Jedi I don't know takes my Master's hand and pulls him into an embrace. I'm about to shout 'Get your filthy hands off my Master!' when I realise that, instead of resisting, my Master is responding.
Suddenly I feel sick, but I can't tear my eyes away from the scene below me. I had no idea I was such a masochist; every kiss I watch deepens my pain.
Behind me, Sabe babbles on.
"His name's Bruck Chun. It all started while you were on honeymoon. They were classmates, but met up again recently. It's the talk of the Jedi. Everyone is so pleased; I mean, how long can you mourn for someone? Apparently the Jedi Council had become concerned what he might do after you became a Knight. Oh, it's so good to see him happy!"
'No!' I want to scream. 'That's supposed to be me!'. I married Amidala safe in the knowledge that no one could have Obi-Wan. I should have waited. Below, my Master rests his head on the shoulder of the bigger man, they have their arms around each other, I can hear soft voices. How could he do this? How can he flaunt this in front of me? Doesn't he know how I feel? Was he just waiting until I was off his hands? Maybe it wasn't that he was mourning Qui-Gon, maybe he just never wanted *me*.
I feel my insides burn at the thought.
I turn away just in time to see Amidala looking at Obi-Wan in the same way I was. Then she looks over at me and we both understand. I wasn't the only one who thought they'd got over Obi-Wan Kenobi.
"Aren't you happy?" Sabe asks us.
"I don't think I can describe my feelings," Amidala replies as she looks away from me.
"I'm speechless," I add.
"Come on," Sabe laughs. "Enough of this voyeurism; you have a reception get ready for."
We let her drag us off towards our rooms but it's too late, the damage has been done. He's ruined everything and I have no idea what to do now.