Master Apprentice Archive The Force of Loneliness Quick search:

Categories: Pre-Slash, Q/O, Angst, H/C

Archive: You want it, you got it. Drop us a line and tell me though...

Rating: Umm, I'm not too sure about these... sorry. But, I'd probably say it was a high PG-13, I guess, maybe R

Feedback: Loved it/hated it/couldn't care less? Let us know!

Adelaide: Adelaide@morganne.freeserve.co.uk

Eleanor: blackheart84_98@yahoo.com

Spoilers: Slight spoilers for the Jedi Apprentice books

Disclaimer: All recognisable characters are the registered trademark or whatever of G. Lucas. We am making no money out of this, though if we did, with the amount we write in different fandoms, we'd never have to work again...

Series/Sequel: First in an as yet unwritten untitled series, tentatively titled The Force

Notes: We first posted this fic at the end of last yr, but nothing ever came of it. We've now written the sequel and have the rest of the series planned, and decided to post both this and the sequel.

Thanks to: you for reading this, Rushlight, as ever, for the beta

Summary: A loss of hope leads to a desperate cry for help

The darkness swirled around his mind like a fog, blocking everything out; lights, sound, even remnants of rational thoughts and vivid memories seemed to be blanketed by the descending gloom.

Filtering slowly through the haze he could distinguish vague... what? What was it? He didn't know what it was, but it sounded familiar, if only he could remember why.

Somehow forcing himself to calm, he concentrated on the thing, visualising it pushing its way into his consciousness, breaking through the barriers. Bit by bit it became clearer; a voice. words. Something someone had said to him when he had been feeling low. Advice he would repeat to himself whenever he felt alone.

Realisation hit Obi-Wan Kenobi in a rapid wave, dispelling the muggy feeling in his brain. With a moan he knew what had happened and had a feeling he knew where he was. He forced himself to open his eyes, to confirm the notion.

Startling bright light greeted him as he lay flat on his back on a bed in the healers, his master had fallen asleep in the chair next to him, his head propped up by one of his hands. Obi-Wan tried to sit up, but a sharp lancing pain coursed through him, causing him to stifle a groan because he didn't want to disturb Qui-Gon's slumber.

A slight smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he let his gaze wander over his Master. His pure sweet master, piercing eyes closed with the peace of sleep. How Obi-Wan wished he could be a part of Qui-Gon's dreams, the way his Master featured in his. As he watched the regularity of his Master's breathing, Obi-Wan felt himself slip into a natural healing sleep.

One where Qui-Gon was awake and took Obi-Wan into his strong and comforting arms, Obi-Wan found tears falling down his cheek.

"I'm glad you're awake," Qui-Gon whispered.

"So am I." Obi-Wan replied.

Qui-Gon lifted Obi-Wan's head, his eyes twinkling with the heat of passion. "Are you sure you're strong enough?" Qui-Gon asked.

"You make me strong enough."

As the words left his mouth Qui-Gon was there, his mouth pressing against Obi-Wan's. Obi-Wan willing returned the kiss, their tongues penetrating and pushing the boundaries even further, both of them freeing themselves of any inhibitions. Their lust-filled kiss increased in intensity, Obi-Wan feeling dizzy with the craving for the feel of his Master's skin. Obi-Wan reluctantly
broke the kiss to run his hands through Qui-Gon's hair, slowly working his way down to the white tunic, Qui-Gon surrendering himself to his young padawan's touch. Obi-Wan undone his Master's tunic and slipped it off Qui-Gon's shoulders, the Jedi Master stood allowing the robe to fall completely. Qui-Gon leant forwards and lifted Obi-Wan, kissing him and pushing the covers away from him, exposing his muscular chest. Still kissing him, Qui-Gon began rubbing his hands over the younger man's chest, his long slender fingers over Obi-Wan's nipples, which jutted out, begging for attention. Qui-Gon pulled out of the kiss, chuckling at Obi-Wan's desperate whimper. He lowered his head to Obi-Wan's nipple, teasing it with his teeth, sucking at it, causing Obi-Wan to arch his chest up against Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon's hands played down Obi-Wan's body, resting on the waist of Obi-Wan's sleep pants.

"Please" he begged, not even knowing what he was asking for, only knowing he needed the touch of his lover.

Qui-Gon's quick, deft movements removed Obi-Wan's sleep pants in no time at all.

As Obi-Wan's slumber continued, Qui-Gon lifted his head to find that not all of his padawan was asleep, the evidence very clear as Obi-Wan continued to unknowingly broadcast his dream down their training bond. Qui-Gon, instead of having to suppress feelings of embarrassment had to suppress his own desire, this unstoppable feeling of love and passion. This young man who had such a deep feeling of insecurity which had culminated in the attempt on his own life. Qui-Gon knew he always wanted to be there for him to help him through his pain and heartache. He felt tears threaten his steely resolve, he couldn't break, he had to be strong, for he had to admit his love at a time that was fair and equal, he wanted their love to be strong and lasting.

Qui-Gon wearily rubbed his hands over his face, closing his eyes. He had been sitting at Obi-Wan's side for 3 days, waiting for his padawan to regain consciousness. He desperately wanted the young man to be well again, didn't know what he would do if.

No, he told himself, Obi-Wan will be fine, nothing ever shakes him.

So, why did he try to kill himself? Qui-Gon didn't understand why Obi-Wan couldn't come and talk to him, surely the boy knew there was nothing he couldn't talk to him about. He just didn't understand.

His eyes fixed onto Obi-Wan's closed eyelids, willing his mind to be still.

Obi-Wan became aware of being watched. He carefully moved his head to the side and opened his eyes to find himself being scrutinised by the strong, though sad stare of his Master. A rueful smile played on the older man's lips and he said only one word, "Why?"

Admittedly, he didn't want to know what had possessed such a normally confident young man to try to end his life. What he really wanted to know was why his padawan couldn't speak to him, why he thought that killing himself was the only escape he thought he had. All Qui-Gon wanted was to understand his student.

"It was the only choice I had. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I didn't want to let you down like he did, I couldn't bear to hurt you, but I have, haven't I?"

"Yes, Obi-Wan, you have hurt me." Obi-Wan went to speak but Qui-Gon held up a hand to silence him. "Don't dwell on that though. More than you hurt me, you hurt yourself, which to me is worse. Can you understand what I'm saying?"

"I. I think so Master."

"What did you mean, you didn't want to let me down like he did. Who?" Obi-Wan's face lost all colour and he ducked his head. "Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked, immediately concerned. When Obi-Wan didn't look up or answer, Qui-Gon placed a finger under his chin to tilt his padawan's face up so he could see him. The look of utter despair on Obi-Wan's face, his eyes bright with tears shocked Qui-Gon to the core; he had never seen Obi-Wan look so despondent before, and didn't know what to do. He stood from the chair to sit on the side of the bed. "Tell me."

"I... I can't"

"Obi-Wan, please"

Obi-Wan took a deep breath before answering, "Like. Xanatos" His voice cracked as he finally allowed himself the release of his frustration through tears and heart-wrenching sobs.

"Oh, Obi..." Qui-Gon breathed as he leant forwards to take his padawan in his arms, rocking him gently as Obi-Wan cried. As the tears faded to breaths hitching in Obi-Wan's chest, Obi-Wan pulled away from his master, a blush staining his cheeks. Qui-Gon noticed this, but knew better than to mention it. "Obi-Wan, listen to me. You are nothing like Xanatos, nothing at all. You could never be anything like him; he was. self-centred, arrogant, and egocentric. You are nothing like that. You are the most honest, caring and thoughtful person I know."

"Then why didn't you want me?"

Qui-Gon blinked, not understanding. "Want you? What do you mean?"

"You didn't want me. You refused time and again. I. I was never good enough for you." Obi-Wan's voice cracked as fresh tears threatened.

Comprehension dawned on Qui-Gon's face, and he rushed to reassure his Padawan. "I didn't know the real you then. Your personality was hidden under your desperation to become a padawan and it was showing itself as anger. But in the mines on Bandomeer, you showed you true self, the purity of your soul."

Qui-Gon paused to look at Obi-Wan. The youth's face was pale and drawn, his cheek bones showing prominently and his eyes sunken, surrounded by black smudges revealing the level of his fatigue. "You need to sleep, your body needs the time to heal."

"But."

"No buts padawan."

Qui-Gon's mind gently brushed against Obi-Wan's with a strong nudge to make him sleep.

Almost immediately Obi-Wan succumbed to the force-suggestion, but pulled back to make a request of Qui-Gon. "Just promise." his voice was heavy with drowsiness

"Anything" Qui-Gon replied.

"Promise you'll be here when I wake up. Don't leave me." Obi-Wan begged as he dropped asleep, still cradled in his master's arms.

Qui-Gon lowered him to the bed, and pulled the covers up around him. He stood and spoke quietly "I'll be here my love. I'll never leave you."

He bent down to kiss his padawan on the lips before dropping once more into the seat next to him to continue his vigil.