Forbidden
by Draconus
Title: Forbidden
Author: Draconus at dianethx@comcast.net.
Archive: M&A and my website
Catagories: angst, first time, Q/O, drama
Rating: NC-17
Timeframe: Obi-Wan is 24
Summary: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan circle around each other as they slowly discover love. Told in drabble format with alternating POVs.
Disclaimer: I do not own Qui-Gon Jinn or Obi-Wan Kenobi or the Star Wars concept; Lucasfilm does. I am very respectfully borrowing them with no intent to profit. No credits have changed hands. No copyright infringement is intended.
Feedback: Yes, please. I live for feedback! On or off-list.
Notes: This is unbetaed so all mistakes are mine.
Qui-Gon - Attachment is forbidden
I watched the tilt of a red-gold head, watched the green of excited laughter in the young man's eyes, watched the way he leaned forward in eager attention - all unconscious beauty as Obi-Wan nodded, his arms lifting in explanation, pouring out the details of their latest mission to the delight of his friends.
They were gathered around him there, old and new, giggling and loud, slapping each other in good-natured affection, impatiently sharing their joys and failures in the glass bubble of youthful exuberance.
My heart's desire always and forever unspoken, I watched my Padawan and let him fly free.
Obi-Wan - Reply
He's watching me again.
Surrounded by friends, I pretended not to notice, delving instead into stories and laughter, outrageous tales of daring deeds and split-second rescues, my fingertips sketching the air with mischief. There is noisy joy in fellowship and I would revel in it if I could.
But I was watching, too, as he turned away, foolish man trying to hide his desperation behind hooded eyes. The aching regret pulled frowns and longing across his face and then it all smoothed away into worn stone when he realized I could see him watching me.
Qui-Gon, we have to talk.
Qui-Gon - Turning Away
A flash of green eyes, and brilliance in the shimmer of red-gold hair. His laughter liquid, dancing delight, painting the air as it floated past me.
It was more than I could bear.
Forever alone, old fool. Forever alone.
I turned away, slipping the shroud-stone mask across my face, hiding behind duty and honor and desperation, scurrying away before weakness shattered my resolve.
He called after me, voice shivering across my skin. The image of Obi-Wan willing beneath me was almost overwhelming.
No, no... no.
I had to escape. Before it was too late. Before he learned my secret.
Before....
Obi-Wan - Bolt hole
Boisterous laughter echoed around me, friends rough-housing their excitement, all back-slaps and joyous noise. But I heard nothing.
Instead, encased in astonishment, I watched Qui-Gon fly away, desperation in his wake.
I choked out paltry excuses, tales of missions and study and duty lying across my mouth, and rushed the door. My friends threw enthusiastic goodbyes at my back; I heard only the hopeless snap of cloak and the scurrying clop, clop retreat of Qui-Gon's boots.
I hunted, every bolt-hole explored - training rooms, kitchens, gardens. But Masters have no imagination, apparently.
He was home. And that's where I caught him.
Qui-Gon - Foolish old man
Kneeling in abandoned meditation, staring down at my hands - now fisted flesh stretched pain-tight over bone and sinew, I mourned what could not be.
Forbidden is love. I knew this.
I knew, too, that I had to bury the driving desire, spirit-deep yearning. Bury hungry dreams beneath duty and remote Jedi restraint. Bury my corruption before Obi-Wan found out and was horrified.
He was searching but I hid in the Force. I could not… could not face him with images of a wet willing mouth and passion-black eyes still haunting me.
But he found me at last.
Too soon.
Obi-Wan - Questions
It was hushed in Qui-Gon's room. Beyond transparasteel windows, the never-dark Coruscanti night was alive with speeder lights and movement, flashes of illumination and shadow spilling across the floor. Beauty in chaotic light.
I found him there at the ragged edge of darkness, kneeling in failed meditation - statue-still, almost lifeless. Frowning down at his clenched fists.
Settling beside him, my fingers touched his arm. "Master, I've felt your pain. It's been like this for months. Let me help you."
Among shadows on his face, Qui-Gon's eyes gleamed panic. The answer trembled beneath my hand.
"I must deal with this. Alone."
Qui-Gon - He would not go
His gentle touch was born of compassion. I knew it could be nothing more but how vain hope gutted me, was almost my undoing. Beneath his warm hand, the wanton's call of desperate dreams, the 'what ifs' and 'could have beens', threatened to overwhelm what little control still remained.
Images swarmed past: hungry kisses and passion-damp skin, liquid desire and shared need, frenzied nights and languid days.
It was forbidden, sacrilege, and I wanted it with every beat of my heart.
Voice rough, I pushed Obi-Wan away, hiding my shame with frowns and sharp words.
But he would not go.
Obi-Wan - Stubborn man
Qui-Gon Jinn was nerf-stubborn. Legendary in the way he'd hide his feelings behind icy glares and neutronium-dense walls, it didn't surprise me when he snapped out, "Leave me."
Yanking his arm abruptly from beneath my fingertips, he turned away, settling into feigned meditation. A clear dismissal. Most would accept it with resignation but not I. Not for one instant.
Instead his gruff rejection gave me hope; it was a sign that he was uncertain, vulnerable. And I could see the truth as I looked past turbulent shadows into hungry eyes and forever-regret.
It had gone on too long.
"Qui-Gon, I...."
Qui-Gon - Hiding
Dread clawed at my throat. For one heartbreaking moment, I had let my desire slip past my guard, foolish flesh that turned traitor and spoke wordlessly of longing, of passionate embraces. Desperation.
I couldn't let him discover my shame. Protecting Obi-Wan, even from my own hunger, was all I had left of honor.
So, as he leaned into the shadows, his eyes gleaming devotion, I tried to drive him away. For his own sake.
.
"The term you are looking for is Master." Icy words, burning cold and deadly, frosted my mouth. "You forget your place, Learner."
"I forget nothing."
Obi-Wan - Choices
Qui-Gon was always one to hide behind stern words and frowns, hoarding his pain like some bloodied treasure, nursing the hurt while his spirit festered in sorrow-harsh solitude.
I had seen it too many times not to know the symptoms, not to see truth behind the facade. His face may have been cold stone but his hands were coiled tight on his lap, his fingers shivering with the effort to keep from reaching out to me. To keep the hunger at bay.
I had but two options - accept defeat or fight his foolishness.
Leaning close, I made my decision. "Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon - Not possible
Defiant, willful and blasted stubborn. My Obi-Wan could be all of these and more but I did not think him foolish. To deliberately goad me, knowing that I was teetering on a knife-edge, was almost more than I could bear.
Flaring pain shot across tendons and flesh as my hands fisted tight and my passion, pushed aside for so long, blazed brightly into anger.
Scowling, I stared at him across the shadows but he did not seem to notice. Moving closer, his red mouth was open in a mockery of my deepest fantasies, his face flushed with warmth.
No.. no.
Obi-Wan - Falling
Scowling, fists grown bone-white, ragged breath filling the silence, Qui-Gon was radiating fury. Not unexpectedly considering my defiance and the way he'd ignored his feelings over the last several months. But it was an excuse - to push me aside, to hide his desires behind shields and silence. To save me from himself.
Foolish man.
I started to speak, opening my mouth to say something, anything when his face twisted into naked hunger, eyes desire-dark. Shuddering, Qui-Gon jerked back, desperate to get away.
But I was faster. My hands fisted in his hair, capturing him, pulling him close.
"Qui-Gon, don't go."
Qui-Gon - Giving in to desire
He was too close.
The air tasted of Obi-Wan, salt-slick and sweet with the fruit he loved so much. Helpless to stop, craving it like some additive drug, I drew in a deep breath, reveling in his scent. To my shame, my body began to harden. White-hot flairs of passionfire surged over traitorous flesh, threatening my last fragile remnants of honor.
Hovering above me, his hands busy holding me captive, Obi-Wan's mouth gleamed wet with desire. It was all I could do to keep from driving into him, devouring him.
Then it was far too late.
He was devouring me.
Obi-Wan - At last
Qui-Gon lay beneath me, all black-eyed protest, shouting nonsense as he grabbed my arms, trying to push me away, bruising my flesh with savage abandon. He was a wild thing, frenzied and reckless.
But only for a moment. Stilling suddenly, he stared up into my eyes. I saw passion-light there, fierce desire flushing hot across his face, felt his body hardening as hunger took him. But there was vulnerability, too.
My hand cupped a bearded cheek, thumb brushing softly across his uncertainty.
"Obi-Wan?"
His breathless question was enough. I dove into him - liquid heat, willing mouths and ecstasy.
At last.
Qui-Gon - One moment
The smell of Obi-Wan's desire was driving me mad.
I couldn't get enough of him. My hands savaging cloth, trying to tear into him and finding nothing but frustrating barriers of Jedi tunics. But my tongue was busy, too, tasting him, thrusting into his eager mouth, fiery hunger driving me deeper, deeper as I fought to bury myself in him.
Someone was making little groaning noises in their throat - me, him, I don't know but it only added to the white heat firing through flesh, agony-pleasure that kept building, spiraling up.
Into one infinite moment of lust and love.
Obi-Wan....
Obi-Wan - Tunics
I could feel Qui-Gon shivering beneath me, his body writhing. The passionate sounds coming from his throat, the sweaty desire that we shared took both of us closer to paradise.
If only Jedi fabric would cooperate. His desperation to touch skin was matched by my own but the damnable tunics were almost indestructible. Next time, I will flay the cloth from his eager flesh before diving into him.
For an instant, I tried to slow, thinking to remove tunics and tabards and boots but his tongue stroking, thrusting into my greedy mouth sent me spiraling back into ecstasy.
Tunics.... later.
Qui-Gon - Waking up to reality
I couldn't get enough of him, wanted to sink into his skin, to eat him alive, merge so thoroughly that I couldn't tell where he left off and I began.
Rolling over, gaining the upper hand, forcing him down, I could feel his heat, taste his lust as I dipped into his greedy mouth. Obi-Wan was swelling under my hand, moaning desire into my skin.
He is a treasure beyond price - sacred, breathtaking, mine. And it felt so right.
Pushing his braid aside, marking flesh with wild obsession, I...
His braid...
His…
No.... no.
Force, what have I done?
Obi-Wan - The man is impossible
Joyous moans and his tongue, frantic, hungry in my mouth. Qui-Gon's hands, steadfast in training, strong in battle, gentle with compassion, were being used for a different purpose now - stroking me into white heat and longing. And wordlessly, I begged for more.
Twisting, he pushed me down, oh the weight of him covering me with a passionate embrace. Kisses, wet and wild, against my skin, he began to nuzzle in that soft spot behind my ear. So intense, so wanton.
Until... he stopped. I could feel him shivering in the dark, see him staring at me with horrified eyes.
"Qui-Gon?"
Qui-Gon - What have I done?
As I scrambled away, trying to distance myself from his molten touch, he called after me. To my shame, his voice, still breathless with desire, was a rough-edged siren song; it took everything I had in me, everything of stubbornness and guilt and duty, to keep from diving back into his arms.
Obi-Wan, my treasured one, was pouring confusion into the Force, his eyes gleaming hurt in the darkness. And it was all my fault.
Shuddering with effort, I wrapped myself in platitudes and Jedi doctrine. "I cannot allow this, Obi-Wan. Attachment is forbidden. Attachment is...."
"Don't lie to me."
Obi-Wan - Lies my Master told me
The smell and taste of him lingered on my skin, bone and flesh and heart fiery with suns-core desire. As I came down from ecstasy, I could not stop shaking, my body begging for his touch. My hands were fisted tight as if still holding onto him and never letting go.
But they had, they had.
His lips passion-red, hair flowing raggedly over one shoulder, face raw with hunger - Qui-Gon looked thoroughly debauched.
But it did not stop him mouthing dogma.
Attachment is forbidden.
He's been attached for years - to fear, to loneliness, to walls.
"Enough of lies, Qui-Gon Jinn."
Qui-Gon - Anger is just another form of love
Between his accusations, I could hear the ragged chaos of breathing in the darkness. Rough sound, my air mixing with his, the once-eager noises of ecstasy shifting abruptly into anger.
Passion was still fevering my blood, thrusting desire sharp into bone and heart and mind, cutting me apart. My mouth full of his taste, sweet flavor, and my hands longing to draw him back into my embrace even as I pushed him away.
Gathering fury, building walls between us before I forget my duty and melted back into his arms, with voice winter-cold, I snarled, "You go too far... Kenobi."
Obi-Wan - Walls
Kenobi.
With a single word, I knew I was in trouble.
He had never called me that before. It was always Padawan or Obi-Wan, even Learner when he was very upset but this... this was fury talking.
Behind the anger, behind midnight-blue eyes already blackened with desire, I could see desperation. The building of barriers and distance. The man was infuriating; I loved him all the more for it.
But I could not back down, not now. He needed me to breach the walls he was trying so hard to build - if not for my sake, then for his own.
Qui-Gon - Fool
There was silence in the shadows.
I could see Obi-Wan struggling to regain his calm, the deliberate deep breath and slow release pushing him away from desire, from the hunger that had almost engulfed us both. His eyes avoided mine but his mouth, still bruised with our passionate kisses, was flat, hard. Suppressed turmoil in his hands.
My Obi-Wan, forbidden and ever-wanted. Loved - too pale a word for my heart's longing. My salvation, my torment.
In the dark, I mourned my choices but I must let him go, for his sake.
I just didn't know how I would survive it.
Obi-Wan - Into the breach
Hands curled tight against desire, ignoring the wild passion that pulsed madly under my skin, I tried to breath in calm, let out fear.
Staring across the shadows, I could see Qui-Gon, his body haloed by the never-still lights of Coruscant, his face stoic-cold. He was rigid stone, immovable, hiding behind barriers of duty and Codes.
But his eyes betrayed him. Hungry, desperate. Attached.
Surer of this than anything I had ever done, I gathered my courage, devotion into shaking hands. I would be silent no longer.
"Going too far?" Promising of things to come. "I don't go far enough."
Qui-Gon - What?
At first the words did not register. His eyes black-grey in the darkness, his face bruised with my withdrawal, I could only see the damage my perversion had caused. If only I could bring back the balance we both needed so desperately.
Meaning hit me moments later, astonishment's fiery crash.
How dare he....
Surging to my feet, I stared down into mouthy determination.
Obi-Wan didn't flinch as I growled, "You are on a knife-edge, Kenobi. Masters demand respect at all times. You defy…."
Calm, steadfast. Resolved. "I do what I must. You are not my master in this, Qui-Gon Jinn."
Obi-Wan - The possibility of failure
I don't think I'd ever seen Qui-Gon so stunned.
"What?" A single word, changing on a breath from astonishment to fury and then to deadly calm.
But it was his face that tore me into shreds. Lifeless, ash-white, the weight of millennia pulling at his flesh. Stone and durasteel were those shadowed eyes, a mouth gone flat. He was shutting me out, more than I'd ever dreamed, more than Bandomeer's desperation, Melida/Daan's disaster.
All because he could not accept his own desires and I could.
"Building barriers will not set you free, Qui-Gon. Only bury you in duty and lies."
Qui-Gon - Again
It was starting all over again.
Defiance on a scale I'd not seen since... but no, not again. Never again.
This time, I would not back down, would not allow his disobedience to become the warped destruction of his future - the blackened remnants of a padawan's love turning into acid pools and suicide.
I wanted him with everything that I am but that desire, that love, would bring nothing but pain.
"Lies? What lies have I told you? What lies have turned you rebellious, forced you to risk all? Respect, friendship, your dreams of knighthood?"
Obi-Wan, accept my decision, please.
Obi-Wan - Never
His mouth was rigid, stark lines gathering around the flesh I'd kissed ardently a few moments before, his hands fisted anger - bone and sinew so glaringly white, they looked as if they would shatter under the strain.
I could deal with anger, even cold cruelty. But he knew me, knew how to wield the knife, knew how to cut into my certainty.
Threatening loss in his desperation, to deny my knighthood. He thought I'd accept this, to be a willing hostage to his fear.
Never.
"It is not the lies you've told me but the lies you tell yourself, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon - What does he think he is doing?
I hissed forward, glaring down at a mouth flat in white-lined determination, at shadowed eyes of green stone. "What lies, Kenobi?"
That cleft chin of his jutted upward, bantha-stubborn. I grew only more furious, memories of lust vaporizing into anger's fire.
He must accept my decision else we are forever lost.
But not my Obi-Wan. Rising, he prowled toward me with sandpanther grace. Every word a step. "This isn't about attachment and it isn't about the Code, Qui-Gon."
I could smell his sweat, his determination.
"It is about fear, your fear."
His heat searing into my skin.
"It stops. Now."
Obi-Wan - Listening
There was a sharp exhale of irate astonishment and a flash of blue ice in his eyes. The warm mouth that had melted under mine only heartbeats ago flattened in cold fury. He looked unyielding as stone.
I refused to back down. We had gone too far to return to the dishonesty of heated looks and unspoken desires, too far to sink back into hidden pain and silenced regret.
Of course, Qui-Gon would be nothing but stubborn. Immovable when he thought himself right, he thundered out, "You have no right to speak to me this way. I will not listen…."
Qui-Gon - Young fool
Impossible but Obi-Wan refused to back down, cutting across my words with his own sharp tongue. "Yes, you will."
Reaching out, his fingers grabbed onto one sleeve, fisting there, snaring me with hands still hot with desire. "If nothing else, you will hear what I have to say."
His eyes, beloved and determined, stared up into my own. It hurt to be so close and not give into this; the urge to yield to him was growing stronger and everything that I ever was or ever would be cried out for surrender.
But it was not possible.
"Let me go."
Obi-Wan - Letting go
The snarl that came out of Qui-Gon's mouth was ice-cold and edged with hostility. Commanding, almost brutal, he'd only used that tone once before on me and for something so colossally stupid that I still cringe at the memory.
Now he was using it to push me away. I could no more let him do that than stop breathing.
But I did let go. Holding him hostage was not the way to truth.
Trying to understand, trying to see what was driving him to turn away from me, I asked, "Qui-Gon, what is so terrible that you can't face this?"
Qui-Gon - Fear is a powerful motivator
Unwanted, a once-loved face flashed into remembrance. Sapphire eyes and hair as black as his heart. My throat closed in desolation but I shook it off. Old grief, old regrets had no relevance here.
Harsher than regret is duty. I had to keep Obi-Wan safe, even from me. Especially from me.
It took all my strength not to melt back into his arms; instead I channeled my desire into acid. "You assume too much."
Obi-Wan recoiled as if struck, then narrowed eyes dissected me. "You hide behind durasteel walls and talk of duty and honor but your fears betray you."
Obi-Wan - Pushing forward
It seemed impossible but Qui-Gon only grew more furious. I must have touched on some buried terror, something that he was hiding even from himself.
"Enough." His cold, viperous rasp, full of warning, hovered between us. "Stop this before it is too late!"
I stared at him, wondering who this man was that could not let go of his fears. He'd taught me better than this. He knew better than this.
"It is already too late." It was time to remind him of his own wisdom. "Accept the fear and move beyond it. That's what my Master always taught me."
Qui-Gon - Livid
The man that stood before me was not my humble, always dutiful Obi-Wan. This was a tenacious foe who knew just where to cut.
So did I. "This is how you use that knowledge? To push your way into things that are none of your concern?" I let the rage bleed into my voice, my hands curling into fists of white bone and fury. My face ached with the frown I sent his way.
I would have thought him aware enough to back down even as I stiffened into outrage. Apparently, I didn't know him as well as I thought.
Obi-Wan - Not my concern?
"Not my concern?" For a single heartbeat, I let my anger match his, let all the desire and longing and love bleed into core-deep fury. My hands hurt, fists curled tight, wanting to grab the man and shake him until he saw reason.
As if Qui-Gon would ever see reason about what was between us. Blind, obstinate fool.
Staring at him, seeing the stiff mouth, cutting frown, hands clenched tight against his side, his cold eyes, I realized that he was deliberately goading me. He was trying to get me to back down.
With that realization, rage evaporated into weariness.
Qui-Gon - Winners and losers
Obi-Wan seemed to sag, looking as if he were going to accept the futility of protesting further. For a long, drawn-out moment, he stood there, gazing at me, his tired grey eyes and slumped shoulders speaking volumes.
I'd won and the taste of it was ash on my tongue.
I couldn't speak, watched him retreating into silence, the heaviness of defeat or perhaps the acceptance of what must be corrupting the distance between us.
Then, taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan said softly, "So now it's distraction. To avoid what you will not confront."
"That is not for you to say."
Obi-Wan - A different path
I'd always accepted his mastery in things that concerned us both. I was the student after all and his experience far outweighed my own.
However, this was not mastery but avoidance.
I knew it and he knew it.
I bowed my head, letting go of anger, of expectations, letting go of desire and my own needs. I knew I could never let go of the love I had for him but I'd accepted that long ago.
He had his own failings; it was time he faced them.
"Fear is of the dark, Master Jinn. Perhaps you need to remember that."
Qui-Gon - Fear
Everything seemed to tilt. I could have dealt with the wounded almost-lover or the angry Padawan but Obi-Wan was neither of those. He looked dissolute, braid askew, tunics open to reveal skin flush with the remnants of passion, his mouth bruised red from my kisses, but his eyes were steady, boring into mine. Calm but he was challenging me to acknowledge the distance between us, distance I'd put there, and move on from it. I could not ignore his bravery in the face of my own fears. Surrendering, I shook my head. "You have no idea."
"Let me in, Master."
Obi-Wan - Explanations
Qui-Gon seemed to hesitate between guarding his fears and opening up those neutronium walls he'd built around himself. I'd never seen him so uncertain, so vulnerable.
The urge to protect him ached deep in my chest; I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, soothe his fears, vanquish his doubts. But I said nothing, knowing that he wouldn't accept help, no matter how much I wanted it otherwise.
Then I had my answer.
His face hardened back into stone. "I will not allow you to ruin your life over desire or attachment. It will bring us both nothing but pain."
Qui-Gon - Regret
I could not destroy his future. He had no idea of the depth of my need, the passion heating my blood, the hungry drive to possess him utterly. I could never let him go. Better that he turn from me and find fulfillment in another's embrace.
Obi-Wan just shook his head. "Don't lie to me, Qui-Gon. We both know the truth." I was about to protest when, still calm, he said softly, "All I see is a man who cannot accept his own desires, who fears love enough to destroy everything between us."
To my shame, I could not disagree.
Obi-Wan - The Truth At last
The way his troubled eyes caught mine and then glided away told me that I'd struck at the heart of it. I had to push or we'd never resolve this. "Qui-Gon, please."
He still wouldn't look at me. Staring out of the window into the never-dark Coruscanti sky, his face half-shadowed, his arms tightly wrapped about him as if for warmth, he whispered, "You don't know how badly this could end. Xan…."
"Xanatos," I repeated dully.
Who else would it be? Who else could destroy us both without lifting a finger? Who else could haunt us so well?
Xanatos duCrion.
Qui-Gon - Xanatos
"Xanatos is dead but the memories remain." I glanced at Obi-Wan, trying to gage whether he was ready to listen, to understand why I couldn't let my love for him led us both astray. I'd had all too much of that last time.
But he only looked defeated. His grey eyes dark with pain, he stared at me for a moment and then turned away. "He is always between us, Qui-Gon. Dead or alive. Even now, I cannot rid myself of his shadow."
"You are nothing like him, Obi-Wan." I said firmly. "But my failure with Xani taught me caution."
Obi-Wan - Enough
"Is that what you call it? Caution?" I'd thought we'd put duCrion behind us years ago. Apparently Qui-Gon Jinn had not. To my shame, what little calm I'd gathered to deal with this frustrating, stubborn, beloved man bled away. All that remained was a desperate wish to leave before I said something I'd regret.
I'd grieve later.
"I will never get past the wall Xanatos, your precious damnable Padawan, has constructed. Forgive me for even thinking about it. Your fears are your own and I had no right to push you to speak of them. I leave you in peace."
Qui-Gon - Stop
Although Obi-Wan tried to hide it, I could hear bitter-acid in his voice, see his dark eyes clouded in pain, almost feel the way he gathered in his anger, pushing it behind neutronium walls. He'd always hidden behind the perfect Padawan façade. It was past time to change that. It was past time to face my own mistakes, too.
"Obi-Wan, stop."
He'd already reached the door, still jerking at tunics to hide what we'd shared, obviously trying to regain a semblance of order. He couldn't hide the passion-bruise on his neck, though.
"Yes, Master Jinn?"
Barely-held anger frosted the air.
Obi-Wan - A Prison of his own making
I should not have reacted as I did. A Jedi seeks serenity, not passion, lets go of anger and instead feels compassion for all beings, even for one as willfully-blind and infuriating as Qui-Gon Jinn. To my profound shame, I'd forgotten everything I'd ever been taught.
"You don't understand."
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to find my center. I knew I'd never win but my foolish hopes could still undo me. "What am I to understand? That your fear drives you more than your love for anyone or anything? That you are a willing hostage to it?"
Qui-Gon - Who is the more foolish?
Obi-Wan knows how to wield a vibroblade all too well. I'd tried to hide my failings for years; with a single stroke, he'd slashed through the shroud of self-deceit.
I could only stand there, gaping at him.
A heartbeat later, he nodded, "So be it. I hope you find happiness inside that prison you've created for yourself." Bowing, he turned toward the door, clearly desperate to escape my presence.
I couldn't let that happen.
Grabbing onto his arm, I said, "Obi-Wan, you are the most nerf-stubborn man I've ever met."
He shot back, "Have you looked in the glass lately?"
Obi-Wan - Failure is in the eye of the beholder
Sometimes, my mouth outruns my good sense. Qui-Gon deserved respect, even when he's driving me insane.
Breathing out, trying to clear my head of the stupidity I'd acquired in the last hours, I said, "Forgive me, Master. That was poorly done. If I may be excused, I will meditate on my failings in this matter."
"You haven't failed, Obi-Wan."
His fingers were warm on my arm, his strength ensnaring me. Memories of passion shared, hopes lost. Painful memories.
"Then let me in or let me go. I won't be left to hang suspended between your fear and your longing again."
Qui-Gon - He deserved the truth
A wiser man than I stood before me. More honest, too. He'd been willing to lay himself bare for me and I had turned his gift into pain.
It was time for candor, time to reveal a truth I'd hidden for years.
"Xanatos played me for a fool."
I stepped back, curled my arms around my chest to fight the sudden frost. I couldn't bear to see contempt in his eyes; I turned away, staring out into the never-still Coruscanti night.
My voice was rusty with shame. "I loved him. More than as my student. More than I thought possible."
Obi-Wan - Truth shall set you free
I couldn't breathe.
Qui-Gon had always been reticent about talking of him. The man had become a violent murderer and Qui-Gon had blamed himself for it, seemed to turn grey each time duCrion's name was mentioned.
I thought that grief kept him silent. But not love. Never love. Not for him.
Compassion should have been my first reaction. I should have reassured Qui-Gon, comforted him but it took all my strength just to stand there. Fury was thundering in my head; stunned incomprehension was sapping my will.
And watching him tear himself apart for loving that monster only confused me more.
Qui-Gon - Truth can be overrated
I said nothing else but the hard silence was enough. I did not need to see Obi-Wan's face to know that he blamed me for loving someone who'd tried to kill us both.
Apparently compassion is not so easily given. And a love that should have had forgiveness at its heart can evaporate in an instant.
I would deal with my grief later. For now, I had to try and repair the damage that my core-deep stupidity had wrought.
"Obi-Wan," The words were thick in my throat. "My behavior was inexcusable today. But your training remains paramount. In future, I…."
Obi-Wan - Behaving badly
I'd been trained for a decade to be diplomatic, to help people find peace through discourse.
I'd been taught that compassion is paramount, that love for all creatures is an important part of the Force.
Yet I couldn't seem to stop hurting Qui-Gon.
"Did he love you?"
A stupid question and he reacted to it with white-knuckled hands and wounded eyes. But his reply was typical Qui-Gon: calm, cool, unruffled. "I will not let my mistakes interfere with your training. However, if you feel uncomfortable, I can have someone else complete it. You shouldn't have to pay for my past."
Qui-Gon - Questions unanswered
Obi-Wan kept staring at me, even after I'd offered to have someone else train him. The idea was anathema, shredded my future, destroyed all my hopes, would send me spiraling back into that isolated hell I'd been trapped in all those years.
But I would do what I must; his future was more important than my own.
Frowning, his jaw working as if he'd finally processed what I'd said and disliked the answer, Obi-Wan stiffened, then folded his arms across his chest, as immovable as Coruscant. A long moment, stares and silences, and he repeated flatly, "Did he love you?"
Obi-Wan - Answer the question
Qui-Gon refused to answer, tried to shove my questions aside, tried to complicate things with talk of training and other Masters. I wouldn't allow him to retreat back into silence. Instead I stood there, waiting.
He must have realized that I was willing to wait forever if necessary.
Relenting, he said softly, "I thought he did. He certainly gave enough evidence of it in his pursuit, the constant demands for my devotion, his lust, his manipulations, the way he used me." He hesitated, turned shame-pale, deep lines on his face aging him. "A blind fool and yet I loved him."
Qui-Gon - Love has many forms
Flashes of memory unraveled me: Xan's face lined in ecstasy, sharp frowns of sly rebellion, a half-curve of a mouth persuading me to accept the lies he'd told, sapphire eyes daring me to give in to lust, a broken-circle melted into flesh. Laughter when he turned.
It was time I spoke the truth.
"It wasn't his fault, Obi-Wan. I made grave errors in judgment and I paid for it." The words caught in my throat, strangling me. "Xan paid for it. In blood, in destruction and death. And that was my fault as well."
I had not been strong enough.
Obi-Wan - Jealousy
The jealousy was fading fast; the realization that Qui-Gon had truly loved that rabid murderer was cooling my hot folly back into reason. That he blamed himself for duCrion's destruction, however, could not be ignored.
"He killed himself, Qui-Gon. You tried everything you could to get him to surrender," I said softly. My arm had somehow snaked around his waist, and under my hands, I could feel the tension shivering through him.
"It wasn't enough." The grief bowed his shoulders and he glanced at me once and then twisted away.
It was becoming all too clear. He was afraid for me.
Qui-Gon - So fierce
"I won't turn."
Obi-Wan was so fierce, so sure of himself, so confident that he could outlast any evil.
So unlike… Xan would have laughed and lied his way past my misgivings, would have reassured me of his undying love while he plotted his next seduction among the Jedi ranks. Xanatos was intelligent, beautiful and brutal to anyone who got in his way.
And I never saw it until it was too late. Blind fool that I was.
"I know," I said softly, "but I can't let my feelings for you cloud my judgment. The price would be too high."
Obi-Wan - Judgment
It was all I could do not to shake some sense into him. Qui-Gon stood there, just out of reach. His wild hair, a remnant of that brief ecstatic moment when I'd fisted my hands into it, his rumpled tunic still askew from my eager attempts to find a treasure-trove of skin under Jedi cloth, gave him an air of debauchery. But he was radiating misery, not passion. Foolish man.
I only loved him more for it.
"I think your judgment is already clouded. By fear of the past and fears for the future. You have to let them go."
Qui-Gon - Too close
Was it possible Obi-Wan could see into my heart more clearly than I? I knew I'd been lying to myself for months, hoping what I felt for him would pass and I wouldn't have to deal with the ramifications. But it hadn't, only grown stronger until I knew I'd never be free of it.
He was right. My judgment was impaired by lust or love or was it fear that shrouded my vision, blinded me until I no longer knew the right path?
But Obi-Wan was not done. "Do you love me?"
A simple question and one fraught with danger.
Obi-Wan - Wanting an answer
It was clear that Qui-Gon didn't want to answer, perhaps didn't know. But his wild-eyed stare told me that I was on the right path. He looked frightened enough to put me off again, ignore my questions and hold rigidly to the Jedi Code - for once.
I watched him changing back into chilled stone. "Obi-Wan, enough."
I ignored the implied threat. As if it could hold me back when something as important as our future hanging in the balance.
"Do you love me?" I repeated, putting all my devotion and stubbornness into the question.
Surrendering, he nodded a reluctant yes.
Qui-Gon - I couldn't
Xanatos had been a consummate liar, making up audacious stories with endearing charm. I knew Obi-Wan was nothing like him, wielding truth like a sword and shield.
Besides, I couldn't lie any more, not when he was looking at me with such devotion in his eyes. I'd had enough of deceit; surrendering to truth would finally bring me release.
A single nod and suddenly Obi-Wan seemed transcendent with joy, his eyes glowing brilliant green. Even his smile was radiant.
Moments later, he turned serious, straightened into ready stance as if preparing for battle and said quite ordinarily, "Come to bed."
Obi-Wan - With me
He loved me after all.
Finally past the lies and secrets and all the excuses, Qui-Gon Jinn had accepted the truth.
I felt as if my skin was blazing, as if my heart would vaporize with joy. I'd never felt so brilliantly alive. Even when deeply immersed in the Force, there had always been something missing, a core of emptiness; now I was filled.
I wanted him to know it, too, that sense of rightness, of completeness. But I also knew he'd never unbend enough to accept it until he faced his past.
I hoped he would be strong enough.
Qui-Gon - Confronting my fears
His insistence was unsettling. To go from confessions of love to sexual demands an instant later felt like the beginnings of betrayal. It was something Xan would have done.
Worry slithered across my skin. Perhaps I'd made a grave mistake after all.
Watching my reaction, Obi-Wan drew back, crossing his arms over his chest. He must have realized my reticence, seen denial in my eyes. But his voice was steady as he said, "Confront your fears, Qui-Gon, and release them."
Xanatos duCrion would have used silken words or played the ardent lover to get what he wanted.
Obi-Wan did not.
Obi-Wan - Getting past the barriers
Qui-Gon's reaction was not what I'd expected. He'd said he loved me but he was acting as if I were the enemy. Didn't he realize what I was offering?
More than just sexual release, he needed to get past his fear, see that there was something besides lies and betrayal and unendurable pain in loving someone, that there was joy and acceptance. That surrender didn't mean defeat.
I was willing to do whatever it took to help him bury the past, even sacrifice my own happiness if necessary.
Or did he think I was using him as duCrion had done?
Qui-Gon - Trust
"My fears have nothing to do with sex," As soon as I answered, I knew my reply was too quick, revealing more than I would have liked.
And no one could ever say that Obi-Wan was unintelligent; he saw clearly when others might have faltered. He could certainly see into my heart, no matter how much I'd wish to hide it from him.
"And everything to do with trust." Obi-Wan gave a soft, exasperated sigh, then reached out and captured my wrist, holding me hostage. "You have trusted me with your life many times. Can't you trust me in this?"
Obi-Wan - Promises
We'd trusted each other all these years, sharing laughter and danger, quiet nights, hectic days.
Still Qui-Gon hesitated. I could hear it in his voice, see it in his face. He was afraid, wounded by his past. His pulse was rapid under my finger. "Obi-Wan…."
Trust is a fragile thing, easily broken.
So there would be no misunderstandings, I said, "I will make you a solemn promise. Give me one night and we won't speak of it again until I am knighted. After that, if you feel the same way, we'll talk then about expectations and mutual demands and love."
Qui-Gon - One night
He was making promises that I could not keep. A single night would become two and then many. Xan had a way of getting past all the vows. I let him.
Sometimes I wanted it more than Xan did.
"Obi-Wan…."
Palm to palm, his other hand grasping my wrist, I was well and truly caught. The gentleness, the heat of his touch sent shudders into my skin. My heart began to race. He was too close.
"Qui-Gon, I will love you whether you turn me away or not. But I think you should live in the moment. Just this once."
Obi-Wan - No idea
Qui-Gon sounded desperate. "You have no idea. I would never be able to let you go."
As if I'd ever want to leave.
Under my hand, his was shaking. But he needed to see that love and trust are intertwined. For his sake, I said, "Do you think so little of me? Did you think I'd go back on my word, even if you wanted it?"
That seemed to startle him, as if he hadn't thought I'd be truly willing to wait.
duCrion had much to answer for.
"No, you are stronger than that," he murmured.
"So are you, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon - Only a single night
I felt unbalanced, out of control. His hands were still holding me captive and the way my skin heated to his touch was driving me mad, reminding me of what we had shared, what we could share if I accepted his offer.
The thought of him lying willing and flushed under my hand, ecstasy lining his face, his body writhing as I took him, the sounds he'd make, was weakening my defenses. Much as I knew I shouldn't, I wanted to give in. Desperately.
"A single night?"
Obi-Wan nodded slowly, "Yes, and silence afterwards until we meet again as equals."
Obi-Wan - I will not fail you
Still Qui-Gon was shaking, even after all my reassurances. I wasn't sure if it was fear holding him captive or thoughts of surrendering to the hunger which haunted us both. Whatever it was, I had never gone back on my word and I wouldn't do so now, even for him.
"I will not fail you." I insisted, reminding him of past lives and unbreakable commitment.
He straightened, his eyes going suddenly steady. The blue-calm of decisions made.
"You've never failed me, my Obi-Wan." He gave me a short, almost quirky smile. "And you are a far wiser man than I."
Qui-Gon - Until a braid is cut
Reaching out, I touched the silk of russet hair, followed the braided embodiment of shared history down to the soft tip. So many choices between us, so many foolish mistakes I had made. And always Obi-Wan had found a way to bring me back into myself, even from the brink of darkness. Unselfish. Strong in duty, strong in compassion, in love.
A treasure offering himself to me.
My hand hovered over his heart. I said softly, "A single night, then and nothing more until your braid is cut."
He nodded, his eyes steadfast and true. "Until my braid is cut."
Obi-Wan - Beginnings of joy
Knowing that he was still skittish, knowing he worried about decisions made and futures altered, although I longed to dive into Qui-Gon and explore every inch of him, I did not. Instead, reaching up, I pressed his hand against my chest, hoping he'd feel the frantic beating of my heart, that he'd understand how much I loved him.
His other hand, captured in mine, tried to wrench free. I merely smiled, brought soft skin of a vulnerable wrist to my mouth and tasted him.
Breath catching and his eyes darkened into lust. Intense, predator-hungry, aroused.
"Come to bed," I repeated.
Qui-Gon - Leading me into temptation
Passion-black eyes bore into mine, goading, luring, entreating me into acceptance. I'd been so blinded by fear that I'd denied what was between us. Seeking love all those years and it was only now that I realized how foolish I'd been, that it had been before me all this time.
Treasure beyond price.
Obi-Wan gave my hand a little tug and I stumbled willingly after him - still captive, still captivated, an eager prisoner to his hunger. My body was already hardening under his gaze and the feral grin that lit his face told me he knew. Cheeky, beloved Padawan.
"Come."
Obi-Wan - Where to begin
I felt luminous, as if everything were spilling into this moment: flickering lights of speeders outside his window, the dark cocoon of his bed waiting in the far corner, the joyous heat of skin under my hand, indigo-black eyes gazing down into mine, willing mouth open and wet and eager.
And everything was mixed with trust, love, surrender.
Desire threatened to undo me; I tugged on Qui-Gon's hand, pulled him close.
Reaching up, lifting my face to his, suddenly we were breathing the same air, sharing tastes and smells and anticipation, and then we were not breathing at all.
Qui-Gon - Beginning again
His mouth opened under mine, the taste of Obi-Wan and a mixture of the sweet fruit he loved so much was ecstasy on my tongue. Sharing liquid joy. Heated skin sliding across lips, the moist feel of him against my cheek, sensations - wet and wild and passionate.
Somewhere, far away there were groans, his, mine, I didn't care. I drank in his lust, sharing sensation, happiness, want.
But under the driving need to get closer, merge into him, in what was left of my mind, I realized that there was one last barrier to overcome.
Frantically, I moaned, "Obi-Wan, stop."
Obi-Wan - I'm going to kill him
Pounding in my ears, my heart was beating so impossibly hard I could barely hear Qui-Gon's protest. It was only when he pushed me away that I realized he was telling me to stop.
It was unbelievable. Looking utterly decadent, with flushed skin and a wet mouth swollen with hard lust, wild-eyed, untamed, frantic, and yet Qui-Gon Jinn had enough blasted stubbornness to frustrate a galaxy with his protests.
Trying to catch my breath, furious, I could only rasp out, "Qui-Gon, don't."
The impossible man sent me a predatory smile and pointed down. "Boots, Obi-Wan. And we're still wearing tunics."
Qui-Gon - Stopping for a moment
It took a moment to sink in but finally Obi-Wan's infuriated scowl turned into a mischievous grin.
"Oh, that," was all he said and then he laughed, shaking his head, still smiling. It was infectious. I felt myself growing light, elation bubbling under my heart, intensely aware of him.
Perhaps sensing something, Obi-Wan leaned in, nuzzled cloth aside. His breath heated my skin, quick little puffs of moisture, and then he tormented the frantic pulse-point at my throat with a deliberate slow glide of his tongue. Heart pounding, I pulled him back but he sent me another grin.
Teasing me.
Obi-Wan - Prey
Qui-Gon watched me with utter possessive concentration, his stare predator-hungry as if he wanted to eat me alive. I never felt so vulnerable before him, and it sent electric shocks down my spine, sparking agonized desire into bone and blood and flesh. My body was already hard with longing but his gaze drove me deeper. I felt undone.
Leaning forward, he nuzzled just behind my ear and then in a low throaty whisper, he repeated, "Boots, Obi-Wan."
Who knew that the sound of a word could drive me mad, that the idea of undoing boots could undo me?
Boots, indeed.
Qui-Gon - Boots
Pieces of clothing and Jedi's belts lay scattered in trails behind us. Obi-Wan was as deft at removal as he was at building desire, unwinding sashes and slipping off tunics with surprising ease.
By the time we reached my bed, I could barely stand. He had stirred me with soft touches and gentle, heart-melting kisses, using every moment to explore another patch of flesh, nuzzling at my throat or nip the soft skin there. I felt worshipped and him the guardian of love's altar.
As I sat down - gingerly, he knelt before me and began to remove my boots.
Hurry.
Obi-Wan - Right where I wanted him
He was trembling. I felt the pulse of rising urgency under my hand, heard his rapid murmur in the ebb and flow of breath, saw a man nearing the edge of endurance.
Qui-Gon wanted me to hurry. It was in his eyes, his touch, his mouth.
Foolish man. If I had only a single night, I wanted it to last a lifetime.
I sent him a languid smile, then nudged him, burying my nose near the juncture of knee and thigh, breathing in his scent. Reaching for one boot and then another, I stripped him - vulnerable, tempting, nearly nude.
Perfect.
Qui-Gon - Perfect
Kneeling at my feet, Obi-Wan seemed the siren of ancient legend, promising an eternity of wild pleasure, an inexorable force that could not, would not be denied. Temptation in intense green eyes and cleft chin, a lush mouth made for plunder, and deft hands stroking me, it was all I could do not to ravage him.
Breathless, I swallowed hard as he rose, as he slowly removed boots and leggings and warm socks, as he stood there, stunningly beautifully naked, watching me watch him, smiling, too, while I drank in the lines of bone and skin and near-perfection.
My Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan - Captive
My hungry gaze locked with his; I saw Qui-Gon's face growing flushed and eager, mouth working soundlessly, his black eyes staring at my nakedness as I walked toward him.
A prisoner of his own desires, captive to mine.
I leaned down, watched him as my thumb caressed his lips, listened as his breath hitched, a soft, almost inaudible moan. And then my mouth fell on his, barely touching, teasing him with fingers and tongue and desire.
Possessive hands caught me, pulled me toward him. Groaning, Qui-Gon deepened the kiss; he was frantic, fervent, ferocious.
All I could do was surrender.
Qui-Gon - Kisses
Obi-Wan was a demon, tormenting me with barely-there kisses, tempting me with warm skin and green eyes. It took but a moment to draw him to me, kiss him so thoroughly that he surrendered, turned boneless, helpless against my onslaught.
I pulled him up and into my bed, curling my body around his as he oomphed in surprise. He was half-trapped beneath me, clearly startled, and then that tempting smile returned, daring me to undo him.
Leaning over, searching flesh, brushing lips over his willing, vulnerable mouth, I glanced down to see a solid erection jutting from russet curls.
Perfect.
Obi-Wan - Trapped
Qui-Gon was never one to give up control. Sometimes it could be wrestled away; sometimes it could be tricked from him but I was never sure if allowing me to gain advantage wasn't another lesson.
Now I let him take what he needed. It wasn't control but submission; in mine, he would learn his own lesson - that I was trustworthy, that love could be both surrender and triumph.
Still I need to get him as naked as I was.
My hands were busy, pulling at leggings, trying to remove last dregs of cloth. His were busy, too.
Driving me insane.
Qui-Gon - Hands
Hands floating over heated skin, I followed the lines of his body, past white scars marking a taut stomach, circled a dusky nipple already peaking with desire and rested on, cradled, a face flushed and warm.
Obi-Wan's hands were busy trying to remove the remnants of clothes but I ignored my body's response. Instead, I pulled him close, splayed hands to catch braid and tail, capturing him, holding him hostage to my desire.
His mouth opened, in protest, in agreement, I don't know. I dove into his heat, exploring him, reveling in his taste, both of us spiraling into pleasure.
Obi-Wan - I don't
Qui-Gon was persistent but so was I.
I found myself drowning in desire but I fought it off, instead reaching, removing the last of his clothing and kicking it aside. Then sinking back, pulling him with me, my tongue thrust into his mouth, searching for ways to make him cry out. My hands fisted in his hair and I didn't want to move, wanted to stay this way forever. Touching Qui-Gon Jinn.
But he would not be still. His hands were still searching, flowing across skin, over peaked nipples and rising pleasure. Then he found what he was looking for.
Qui-Gon - Forever
Curling my hand around his heavy cock, hearing him groan out his hunger as I began a steady rhythm, watching the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the stutter of ragged breath as he started to lose control, it was already a fever in my blood.
I wanted to see him sinking into ecstasy, falling into orgasm's pleasure-pain. I wanted him to cry out my name in passion's heat, beg me for more.
It was bliss to be at the shredded edge of desire, half-mad with it, spikes of want driving me to taste him, touch him, possess him.
Obi-Wan - Too soon
It was too quick. He was already trying to pull me toward orgasm. His hand on me, he seemed to know just what to do, how to lure me away from reality and fly up into white pleasure. His tongue, too, was thrusting into my mouth, exploring, demanding, taking. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't move.
It was paradise but I needed to get him to slow down and savor the moment. To love me, not ravish me.
Summoning strength I didn't know I had left, I reached down, stilling his hand. He froze, stared, questions in his eyes.
"Obi-Wan?"
Qui-Gon - Surprised
Obi-Wan was breathing hard, looking as beautifully debauched as I'd imagined these last several months. Eyes desire-black, a frown was cutting his forehead; there was determination there, and a hint of concern.
He lifted his head, brushing warmth across my mouth. "I want it slow, Qui-Gon and I want it deep and when we are both ready, I want you in me. Can you do that?"
Ever the diplomat. As if I'd have the strength to tell him no. In this moment, he could have asked for the universe and I'd have found some way to give it to him.
Obi-Wan - Agreed
"I can do that…," Qui-Gon leaned in, scraped his beard against my cheek, the soft hairs sensitizing my skin, and whispered, "for you."
His voice was desire-husky, a low rumble that set my heart racing and body shuddering in anticipation. I must have looked utterly stunned. I know my voice had already taken flight and my mind wasn't far behind. Swallowing hard, I could only nod.
Watching my reaction with avid eyes, smiling that crooked, beloved smile of his, Qui-Gon said softly, "Ah, I can see we are agreed then." And he went back to driving me insane.
"Oh, yes."
Qui-Gon - Slow
He said he wanted it slow. My former… Xan has always wanted it fast, hard and always, always he had taken, returning my love with lust, my surrender with dominance, never trusting me with his heart, never trusting me at all.
Yet here Obi-Wan lay, as vulnerable as a sacrifice, trust burnishing his eyes, bargaining love for a single night. He deserved nothing less than everything that I had to give, all that I was. I would make this a night of slow, ever-cresting pleasure, one he'd never forget. The first of many nights to come.
Let it begin now.
Obi-Wan - Slowly rising
I knew I was in trouble when he started nuzzling me, his warm breath heating my cheek. His hands, too, were busy, light touches, random but it sensitized my skin in such a way that it was almost as if the hairs on my body were rising to meet him. I couldn't tell where he would go next, caressing the center of my palm or exploring the soft spot behind my ear or sliding fingers along the crease between leg and hip. Intellectually, it was driving me mad; physically, I couldn't get enough.
Rapture in the gift I'd been given.
Qui-Gon - Breathtaking
He was already breathing hard and I'd barely begun. There was joy there, an eagerness to see what I would do next. And so I continued the assault, gliding my tongue over heated skin, finding new places to arouse with fingers and mouth and skin.
His hands were busy, too, trying to please me, following my lead in the way he explored my body, drawing out the pleasure. But I wanted more - the joy of hearing him moan, watching him fall into white-fired orgasm, sharing the languid exhaustion as he came down from ecstasy.
So beautiful, so intoxicating.
My Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan - Rising fast
Every touch a pulse-shock of pleasure, my mind was dizzy with it. He'd avoided my aching cock but now he was doing what he'd done earlier, using his thumb on just the right spot, oh so very hungrily, his hot mouth following, licking, a brief scrap of teeth, urging me skyward.
I couldn't stop moaning his name.
I looked to see brilliant eyes watching me as if he were sharing my desire, his lips gleaming with my need. I tried to speak but then he'd touch me again.
The universe was growing rapture-bright. "Are you ready, Obi-Wan?"
Yes, Qui-Gon, yes.
Qui-Gon - Care
My hands were trembling. With unworthy haste, I smeared lubrication between my fingertips, warming the fluid, and realized that I was about to possess the man I'd dreamed of for years.
Sacrifice to my desires and his, he lay before me. His mouth open, wet and willing and kissed-red, his body shivering under my touch, his body seemed to beg me - for completion, for ecstasy, for an end to his suffering, I don't know but I couldn't stop, couldn't stop.
One oiled finger and he clenched around it, seemed to draw it further in. So warm, so intense.
My Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan - Oh, my
My universe was a haze of white-shocked pleasure. I could feel Qui-Gon's probe, oily fingers searching inside, finding just the right spot. Movement and warmth and pressure in my core and all the while he was worshiping my cock with his tongue, probing, sliding, and suction and the barest scrape of teeth just there. I could hear myself begging, moaning my need. A single, low chuckle and the vibration almost sent me over the edge.
Letting go, a brief sense of loss and he was towering over me, lifting my legs, pushing, pushing, finding and then he was inside.
Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon - So willing
Sliding into him, into that wet, hot pressure, burying myself in him and he was arching up into me, his eyes rolling back, his mouth open in pleasure-pain, his face tight and frowning in effort, gasping for breath. Teetering on the knife-edge of orgasm and I wanted him there, holding him until our universe was a haze of sweat and desire and a longing so vast there were no words.
A final thrust, a teeth-sharp bite into his vulnerable throat and it was enough to push him into ecstasy, wailing, bucking, splashing my hand with hot seed.
Wait for me, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan - Can't breathe
Heat and light and rapture-agony as I fell into orgasm. Sparks of passion burning across my skin, into my heart, down to my core - still Qui-Gon kept going, pulling me, pushing me into sunfire pleasure.
He bit down again, sending another sizzle of madness through me. Somewhere, I'd lost my mind in that white universe but distantly I could hear Qui-Gon's grunts or were they words? I couldn't tell. Deep inside me, the whole of him was swelling, thrusting madly.
Then prolonged stillness, hot moisture against my neck, and a long slow breath with my name entangled in it.
Paradise.
Qui-Gon - Beautiful
Collapsing, I had just enough presence of mind to lift up, and away, letting Obi-Wan breathe again without my considerable bulk pressing him down. Too exhausted to speak, I lay there watching him watch me, gentle contentment in the afterglow of passion.
There was beauty in the way his mouth curved and his green eyes alight with memory. Reaching up, his fingertips were languid as they explored the lines of my face, silent veneration in his touch. Brushing aside my tangle of loosened hair, he leaned in, gliding that warm, wet, willing mouth across my own.
Sharing love between us.
Obi-Wan - Greedy
As he lay there, Qui-Gon looked satiated and relaxed and inordinately pleased with himself. I'd never seen him so beautiful before, not in battle, not in repose, never so thoroughly happy as at this moment. And it made him all the more desirable, his hair loose, his mouth passion-red.
Apparently, I couldn't get enough of him.
I reached out, combed my fingers through hair and beard, then pulled him toward me into another kiss.
I knew it would only make it more difficult once morning came and I'd have to walk away.
But the night wasn't over yet.
Not yet.
Qui-Gon - Remembering
I'd never felt so cherished.
Xanatos had always found some excuse to leave once he'd finished. I'd thought it was just his way of coping with the passion between us, some way of remaining his own person. On the surface, he'd made it seem like it was best for us both, maintaining that my reputation was too important to sully with rumors of a sexual liaison between Master and apprentice. But the reality was that he'd never been one to give up control; in hindsight, everything had been a lie.
Obi-Wan remained - no excuses, nothing but love and loving me.
Obi-Wan - Kissing Qui-Gon
Kissing. There was taste, of course, and the wet glide of tongue and lips, the mixture of groans and quickened breath. But it and the resulting passion could be lonely as well - an exchange of fluids, a sharp, fleeting orgasm and a quick exit once gratification was complete.
I'd had that with acquaintances, casual friends, with those only interested in pleasure.
I wanted more. I wanted Qui-Gon beneath me, above me, begging for touch, being touched. Kissing his eager mouth and him kissing mine. A lifetime of it. Love's eternity in a willing kiss.
An eternity of loving Qui-Gon Jinn.
Qui-Gon - Should we talk?
Already he stirred something more in me than just passion. I'd thought that I loved Obi-Wan - but reluctantly, the past shrouding my heart with wariness. He had been right to remind me that fear clouded my judgment, that I needed to get beyond it.
Now I knew better. My love for Xan had been a pale ghost, a wraith without substance. I loved Obi-Wan, heart, soul, mind. Worse, I knew if I let him go, I would shatter with the loss. But he wasn't mine to keep.
He must have felt my worry, looked at me with his own concern. "Qui-Gon?"
Obi-Wan - Sigh
"It is nothing, Obi-Wan."
It took all my strength not to growl in frustration. Apparently something was wrong and Qui-Gon was being obstinate. Again.
I was half-hard with arousal, still wanted to tangle my fingers in his hair, still itched to follow the lines of brow and cheek, to cup his face and brush my lips against his. To feel him moaning against my skin, have him falling into ecstasy under my hand. To love him.
But there was a deep-set frown between his eyes and he kept trying to avoid my gaze. Not a good sign.
Damn impossible man.
Qui-Gon - Maybe not
Obi-Wan had always been perceptive; now was no different. Not unexpectedly, he stared for a moment, questions scowling across his face, then he huffed annoyance, and rolled onto his back - a hand-span away from me. Close enough to touch, too far to reach. Warmth cooling into distance.
"Are you going to tell me what is wrong," he said quietly, "or do I have to guess?"
In another lifetime, I might have found his question amusing. I had often tested him on situations and likely outcomes, part of his training, after all. But now the disappointment in his voice shamed me.
Obi-Wan - Endless
It could be anything. My experience told me - anything from my obvious inadequacies as a lover to the entrenched guilt he carried like a weight upon his heart, guilt that might still drive him away.
The memory of Qui-Gon's face as he poured himself into me would remain forever sacrosanct, a cherished haunting image of love unsullied by shame or doubt. I'd never forget it or the ecstasy we'd shared. One moment when he'd been open and pure and mine.
Lying next to him, remnants of passion drying on my skin, I stared at the ceiling, waiting for his answer.
Qui-Gon - Not you
"You did nothing wrong, Obi-Wan." I could almost feel his warmth, almost sense the heat of growing desire beneath my fingertips but it was illusion. There were mere centimeters of empty bed between us but he might have been a galaxy away. "It is my problem."
In the darkness, I saw him nod sharply, then sighing unease, he shifted onto his side, one hand steadying himself, the other cradling his head. For a moment, he said nothing, watched me with bruised eyes, then murmured, "Are you sorry this happened? I'll not hold you here if you don't…if you regret this."
Obi-Wan - Explanations
His face changed, grew older, more strained. I thought he'd tell me that it was a mistake, that we should never have made love, that what was between us was impossible. But instead Qui-Gon twisted toward me, reaching out, cupping my face. Fierce desperation in his voice, he said, "No, not regret. Never regret with you… or this."
I wanted to melt back into his arms, kiss away whatever fears he'd found in the passion we'd shared, but knowing him, he'd only retreat further. I loved the man but he was near impossible at times.
"Then what is the problem?"
Qui-Gon - A single night
His skin felt like septsilk under my touch. I wanted to lean in, brush my mouth across his, pull him back into my arms, explore him with wet kisses and strong hands and rapture. Instead I said, "I don't want just one night."
The confusion in Obi-Wan's dark eyes deepened. "I thought… you said you wanted it, too."
A seasoned negotiator and I was fumbling like a lovesick fool. How to explain the raw, aching need, that my love for him, my own fears of losing him were driving me away. "I don't want one night. I want a lifetime."
Obi-Wan - When a single night might become two
I couldn't stop grinning. His idiotic attempts at explaining himself almost backfired - again. I'd have thought a negotiator of his caliber would be crystal-clear but when it came to matters of the heart, it would appear he was foolish as any love-struck dolt. "Qui-Gon, I want that, too. A lifetime together."
"You do not understand." Shaking his head, he looked almost ashamed. "I was right when I said that I would not be able to let you go."
Foolish beloved man. My hand captured his, swept a kiss across his waiting palm, murmuring, "I don't want to be let go."
Qui-Gon - What?
Did he know how much I'd hamper him, keep him from flying free? I wasn't sure I was strong enough, even now. "Obi-Wan, listen to me. What we have tonight, I'll want tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that. A thousand tomorrows, a hundred thousand of them. And I'll always want more than you can give. I'll want everything, and it will hurt you in the end. You need to be free…."
And then I couldn't breathe. His mouth was on mine, hot, needy, ravishing me with lips and tongue and intensity. Melting together into passion.
Obi-Wan - Kisses and conversation
I was still grinning when we finally came up for air.
"I want that, too."
I brushed fingers through his soft beard, then leaned over, nuzzling the tempting spot at the base of his throat, exploring him with mouth and hands and in between, murmuring, "I want a lifetime with you, of quiet conversations, comfortable silences, touches and kisses and the ecstasy of you in me and me in you." His heart was racing under my hand. "To love you, to hear you cry out in pleasure, to make you feel… everything. I want more than you can possibly imagine."
Qui-Gon - Agreement
I'd forgotten how persuasive he could be or was it because I wanted so desperately to be persuaded? In either case, his hands had been busy and I could feel the rasp of his tongue and sharp teeth against my skin. He was driving me mad again and it felt like coming home.
"We are agreed, then. On missions and duty, of course, it is not possible but at home," It was hard to get the words out when all I wanted to do was sink into him but I said, "as long as we are discreet, my prudent Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan - Trials
I was so intent on tasting him that it took a moment for his words to sink in.
Pulling back, I said carefully, "Once I've passed my Trials, discretion shall be my watchword. Until then, once this night is over, I'll be the perfect Padawan, attentive, duty-focused, untouchable and untouched." I lifted one finger to smooth his sudden frown but Qui-Gon jerked away and I realized we were still talking past each other.
"I love you, but much as I want to, I'll not go back on my word," I looked at him, certainty in my gaze. "Even for you."
Qui-Gon - Promises
"Please trust me to do the right thing." Naked, aroused, lips still swollen with the remnants of passion, Obi-Wan looked as wild and decadent as a Core-world courtesan but his eyes were steady and I knew he meant every word. "We'll have this one night to remind each other of what will be - in time. Let it be enough for now.
"But on the day my braid is cut, remember this conversation." He sent me a crooked, knowing smile. "Because we will be finishing it."
"Is that a promise, Obi-Wan?" I said quietly.
"No, Qui-Gon Jinn. It is a vow."
Obi-Wan - Braid
The universe seemed to crystallize into stillness. I knew the moment could shatter with a single heated glance, everything falling apart, our relationship, our love, our future, if I gave in to him. He'd never trust me again.
Uncertainty shone in Qui-Gon's eyes. He looked ready to argue, he was a master of it after all, but the stiffness of growing dissent melted into acceptance. "So be it, my Obi-Wan. Until you pass your Trials."
He reached out and drew fingertips slowly, carefully down the long rope of hair, then lifted it, kissing the bushy tip. "May it be soon."
Qui-Gon - Still dark outside
Braided hair in my hand and the loss of tomorrow's passions drew melancholy close. I'd hoped for a thousand kisses, ecstasy in every brush of his lips, my skin pebbling with want as his hand explored needy flesh, the sweet sound of his voice calling my name when he fell into orgasm.
Instead, tomorrow would bring sterile duty and a distance grown impossibly wide.
But I also knew he loved me enough to say no.
I shook off the future. He'd said to live in the moment. So be it.
"The night isn't over." Pulling him close, I whispered, "Yet."
Obi-Wan - The night
His voice made me breathless. I'd lost whatever arousal I'd had once we'd begun talking about our future but now with things settled between us, I hoped to remember the rest of the night with joy.
Apparently he was of the same mind. He had my braid in his hand and he tugged it gently, drawing me toward him. A growing smile tinged with desire, his eyes darkening into hunger, there were no need for words. It was there in his face, in the way his fingers curled around my head, his breath hitching with excitement.
He wanted me still.
Qui-Gon - Remember
If this would be our last night until his Knighthood, I wanted the memory to last an eternity. He was lying there, breathless, his eyes begging me to touch him, his body hardening.
I bent down, swept wet lips across his mouth, soft groans and him arching up to meet me. The sound, the movement, the heated flesh brushing across my skin, were driving me mad and we'd scarcely begun.
He must have realized what he was doing. He pulled back, smiling, and said softly, "Let me have you, Qui-Gon. Let me have you."
I didn't need to answer.
Yes.
Obi-Wan - Loving you
The way his hands cradled my face, thumbs busy around the corners of my mouth and his tongue plunging in and out as if trying to merge into me, to eat me alive were reawakening my own passions. I wrapped my arms around him, scrapping nails down his back, following lines of bone and muscle down toward his buttocks but he was too tall and I couldn't quite reach.
A deep-throated chuckle and he slowed down, rolling, pushing me back into the bed. He stared at me a moment, then methodically, thoroughly drove me mad. A willing sacrifice to desire.
Qui-Gon - Games
Somehow I'd tangled my fingers with his, holding him captive beneath me. Trapped, struggling as I plundered his mouth and then began to kiss my way down, he grew only more frantic as I circled, then rasped across one pebbled nipple with tongue and teeth. I could hear him groaning as I worried it, his body writhing, his erection swelling under me.
It was too fast but I wanted to bring him closer to white-fired perfection, to hold him there. He'd said he wanted it deep. So did I.
Breathless, wild protests and it only made me want him more.
Obi-Wan - Protests
He wouldn't let me go free. My hands were still trapped under his, his legs holding mine down and I could do little more than let him devour me. His mouth was everywhere, nipples, the soft spot at the base of my throat, following the line of skin downward, licking, biting, nipping at flesh already sensitive to the touch. He scraped his beard along the joint between leg and groin; the sensation went straight to my cock.
He seemed a madman but it was working. I felt as if I were on fire but it was too fast, too fast.
Qui-Gon - Have me
Groaning, trying to keep himself from falling into orgasm, struggling to get free, he must not have realized that I was slowing down, licking at his cock and blowing coolness over it, letting him settle just a moment.
"What are you playing at?"
He could hardly get the words out; I merely smiled and said, "Letting you have me."
There was no more time for talk. His reply was a quick grunt as I nosed him and then took his cock in my mouth. Teasing the slit, stroking the underside, using all my experience to bring him closer to paradise.
Obi-Wan - I don't….
My protests were turning into gasps. With what little brain I had left, I recognized that he was trying to bring me as close to rapture as possible and then letting it retreat a little. The sun-core ecstasy was firing all up and down my spine, white heat and pleasure so strong it was pain, tormenting me. I wasn't sure I could hold out much longer. On the edge, teetering on the brink of forever but not quite there.
"Please, please, Qui-Gon, let me…." Another spike of desire shuddered through me. "Please, don't…."
Releasing me, he whispered, "Don't?"
"Don't…. stop…."
Qui-Gon - Oh yes
So of course I did.
His skin cut by an intense frown, his mouth open in near-bliss, Obi-Wan was gasping for breath. Letting go of his hands at last, I straightened up, grabbed, splashed lubricant onto my hand, warming it up with indecent haste and coating his cock liberally with it. It was still rigid as durasteel, leaking clear fluid and my hand brought an earthy groan from lips reddened and wet with pleasure.
Only for a moment. I crawled up, positioned myself over him and pushed down.
Oh, the sheer size of him. Hot and hard and full.
Ecstasy.
Obi-Wan - I can't….
In what was left of my mind, I realized he hadn't prepared himself but it didn't seem to matter. I was already thrusting up, the heat of him driving me insane with want. His groans, not of pain but pleasure, were matching mine as he rode me, his face sharp with ecstasy, his hair wild, his cock full and leaking.
A slight change of angle, his mouth grimaced open, groaned again.
I had just enough brainpower left to grasp his cock and graze my thumb across the head. It was swelling, hot, still slick with lubricant.
I was going to….
Qui-Gon - Eternity
Sparks were flying behind my eyes and across my skin. Obi-Wan said that he liked it slow but I wanted it hard and hot and deep. This was everything I could have hoped for, the pleasure-pain of overstretched muscles, the feel of him swelling deep inside me, hot skin slick with sweat and the smell of sex in the air. His groans were matching my own and it was ecstasy, driving me higher into that white-fired glory. His hand grabbing my cock and pulling, pushing, just right as if he knew how.
Tumbling over the edge.
Falling, falling into eternity.
Obi-Wan - I want….
Above me, Qui-Gon jerked back, his face frowning as he stilled, then…
He was spurting under my hand, liquid pleasure and the sharp smell of it burnt into my brain. He was making the most beautiful noises, moaning my name, worship and desire mixed with orgasm and it drove me to thrust up again into him, into pressure and heat and rapture. Rising back up into sun-fire and my skin was blazing with it, sheer want pushing me to new heights until I could no longer think but feel - everything.
A brilliant flash of want and warmth and love.
Ecstasy.
Qui-Gon - Satisfaction
There is something immensely satisfying in watching your lover's face after you've shared something so overwhelming. Obi-Wan was certainly no exception but there was a kind of purity about him that made me profoundly thankful.
He'd given of himself, argued with me more times than I can count, gone into danger many times over the years in service to the Jedi but tonight had been something special. He'd put himself at risk in order to make a foolish old man face his fears and be the better for it.
But more importantly, we'd found love together. And a bright future.
Obi-Wan - Tired….
Qui-Gon looked as tired as I felt. Love-making can be incredibly pleasurable but it always made me sleepy afterwards. Now, we'd had two incredibly intense ones and I would be happy with the memories for now. The coming months would be that much easier knowing that we'd shared this moment between us.
I reached for his hand and turned it over, a feather-touch kiss, a renewed vow for our future together.
"Love you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon closed his eyes and drifted into sleep.
"Love you, Qui-Gon Jinn," I said softly. "Remember that in the silent months ahead." And closed my own.
Qui-Gon - Wake-up call
Watching my Obi-Wan lying there, snoring softly, I tried not to disturb him but it was impossible. The night had been long and exhausting and incredible and I wanted just a few more moments of it: feeling the silk of his skin against my own, chest hair tickling my palm, taste of a gradually-peaking nipple as I rasped my tongue against it, the solid temptation of an erection nudging my thigh, passion-scent ensnaring me.
He moaned and I pulled back, smiling. He….
Then a sound, and my maddening, frustrating comlink shoved me back into reality.
It was the Council.
Damn.
Obi-Wan - Reality
Nothing better than the warmth of a tongue teasing me, especially a warm, wet, incredibly talented tongue - Qui-Gon's mouth, Qui-Gon's touch, Qui-Gon's voice talking with someone over a comlink.
With that, I jolted awake.
His back to me, I could hear him telling the Jedi Council that we'd be there shortly, that we were available for a mission.
I ached to touch him, to sink back into desire, hear rapture-deep moans, bring him to the edge of ecstasy, to hold him when he fell.
But I couldn't. I'd given my word. One night and then silence.
Our night was over.
Qui-Gon - Hurting
It hurt to watch Obi-Wan gather his clothes up as if nothing had happened, to remain silent and dutiful like the perfect Padawan he'd said he'd be. His skin was still flushed from our love-making and he was half-aroused but we both knew that nothing would come of discussion now. We'd said it all last night.
I couldn't let it go. "Obi-Wan, we…."
His head shook no; I could see the gentle swaying of that damnable braid, binding us, binding him to silence.
"Master, please don't." His voice was painfully soft and his eyes spoke volumes. "I'll go clean up."
Obi-Wan - Until my braid is cut
I could see that Qui-Gon wanted to change our agreement. After all we'd said, all we'd done, he still wanted everything.
Much as I wanted to melt back into his arms, to kiss away his frown and the bruised look in his eyes, I could not. Instead I gathered clothes, stood there, the patient perfect Padawan, reminding him what we both knew had to be.
Gutted, he only nodded, turned away.
I wanted to weep. Instead I closed the door behind me.
On the day my braid is cut, we'll be together again, Qui-Gon Jinn.
May that day come soon.
Qui-Gon - Until his braid is cut
I couldn't watch him walk away. I closed my eyes to shut out the images: his body writhing under mine, the look of pained ecstasy in his face as he came, the way his skin was marked by my passion, how his eyes begged me for understanding in the morning light.
I heard the door glide shut and wanted to weep.
Now the hardest trial of all - to act as if nothing had happened, to be the Master to his Perfect Padawan. I would do it for him.
Until the day his braid is cut.
May that day come soon.
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