Master Apprentice
Archive
Five Years (Reprise)
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Archive: M&A
Category: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: THAT day – five years later, from the other side of the coin
Disclaimers: I make no money – own nothing, yada, yada
Mace looks at me – and his expression would be unreadable to anyone who didn't know him well. He raises his goblet, and allows the shadow of grief to touch his eyes.
"To five years," he says gently. "Five years you wouldn't have had."
"Don't," I say curtly. "I don't want to . . ."
"Don't want to what?" he says quickly, sharply. "Don't want to remember? Don't want to acknowledge? Or just – don't want to know."
I am unable to suppress the sigh, as I lift my glass and take a long swallow of the brandy. "What do you want me to say, Mace?"
He pauses, and I realize that he doesn't have an answer.
Which makes us both ignorant – and foolish.
I rise and walk to the windows to marvel at the rust and topaz radiance of the Coruscanti sunset, and I try to take some comfort from such a brilliant display. But, in the end, it is only physical light, and it has no power against the darkness that encroaches upon us, from all sides. Darkness that eats away at all that is innocent and decent; darkness that grows and metastasizes – and hungers.
"Where is he?" I ask finally – unable to resist any longer.
"Where he always is," he replies. "Dancing on the edge of a precipice." He pauses to drain his glass. "Sooner or later, he'll find what he's been seeking – since he walked away from you – from us."
"If the Council summons him . . ."
"He won't come."
I shake my head in disbelief. "He can't simply defy the Council. You can . . ."
"Qui-Gon," he says wearily, "he won't come. Since the day he left Naboo, Obi-Wan has done everything that's been asked of him – except return to the Temple. We've tried. If we insist, he'll just . . . disappear. And frankly – we can't afford to lose him. He's become – a phenomenon. What he's done – what he's accomplished, I doubt anyone else could have done. We NEED him too much – to risk losing him by issuing an order we KNOW he won't obey."
I turn back to the sunset – and try to suppress the rage of pain that rises within me.
He loved the sunsets, my Obi-Wan. The child of my heart; the man I abandoned – and drove away into the darkness.
"It's because of me," I whisper – and know the truth of it. "He won't come because of me."
Mace doesn't bother to disagree; instead he favors me with a speculative gaze.
"What?" I ask finally – absolutely certain that I'll regret the impulse.
"Why did you do it, Qui?"
I was right; I do regret it.
"He saved you – and practically killed himself in the process. And you . . . resented it. I've never understood."
"I don't owe you an explanation."
He nods – and I am amazed to see the depth of pain in his eyes. "That's true, you don't. But he . . . by the gods, Qui-Gon, do you know what he offered you? What he would have given you? What . . . others would have gladly died for. Do you understand that? Do you . . ."
Suddenly, it's difficult to breathe – to fill my lungs around the hurt lodged in my chest. "I never knew," I whisper. "You . . . loved my padawan. I never . . ."
"It never mattered," he snaps. Then his vision turns inward, veined with old tenderness. "He only saw you. And you . . . threw him away."
I can only lay my forehead against the paristeel – and feel my emptiness. "Yes. And I don't know why. I thought I was right – that he was wrong to defy me, and defy the Force. I thought I was right." I pause – and feel my weariness wrap around me. "And then I learned – that being right was . . . unimportant. Only I didn't learn it – until everything that mattered, everything that was precious in my life – was gone."
Mace moves to refill our glasses. "He'll die out there, you know," he says finally. "It's what he's been trying to do, since the day he left."
I cannot dispute what he says.
He WILL die out there – and he will die without ever knowing that my heart is there with him, wherever he might be. I sometimes think I should strike out to find him – but I can't fool myself. Obi-Wan would never allow me to find him. My opportunity came – and went – five years ago.
The darkness will continue to thicken, and I know now that I have no way to defeat it.
The only true light I ever knew – is far beyond my reach.
FINI