SUMMARY: Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan. AU, POV, Other. A young Obi-Wan
learns something about asking for what you want. (The Jedi
Apprentice books have been willfully abused for this story; pay
no attention to them unless you want to be confused.)
NOTES: Many thanks to the participants of the MasterJinn
mailing list (masterjinn@onelist.com), who were involved in all
aspects of this story, from the idea to the very words, and to
Jenlemtak, my talented beta reader. All of my stories are
available on my website
(http://www.europa.com/~mercutio/Stories.html).
ARCHIVE: Please. As often as possible, and wherever you like.
The twelve-year-old boy choked back his tears.
They were inappropriate, not helpful, and most of all, likely
to set his quest back for good.
Obi-Wan wanted more than anything to be a Jedi apprentice. To
study to become a knight, to... to find out what it was that he
felt when he saw a tree and knew, just somehow knew that
he didn't have a purpose, that there was no need for him to
have a purpose or for anything to have a purpose. In those
moments, he didn't want to be a knight, didn't need to be
anything but what he was. All existed, the tree existed, he
existed, everything existed and that was enough, more than
enough.
He didn't understand those feelings. Didn't understand a lot
of things.
He knew his understanding was beyond that of most of his
fellow pupils -- he often felt impatient with their questions,
which seemed simple to him.
What, for instance, was the difference between healthy and
unhealthy dependence? That had been a recent class topic, with
much debate, and their teacher trying to explain it.
To Obi-Wan, it seemed simple. You could depend on an adult to
help you tie your sash properly. But it was better to know how
to do it yourself. It was healthy to allow someone to help you,
unhealthy to need it when you could do for yourself.
Yet he had his own questions, which went unanswered.
He felt stupid for having such questions, and at the same
time, set aside from the others. He could ask the teacher, but
it felt wrong.
These were private questions with private answers... the kind
of questions an apprentice might ask a master, not the kind of
questions he could ask his teacher. What was the Living Force?
How did he know when he had achieved it? Was he ready to be a
padawan? What were the Jedi looking for -- what truth or
principle or goal did they seek?
He felt unworthy of being a Jedi because he had so many
questions.
Unworthy of the Jedi, too superior for his own classmates...
He hit his head against the wall. It seemed more appropriate
than crying.
And at the same time, masters were picking padawans from the
ranks of the initiates. Obi-Wan wanted to be one of those
individuals. Wanted to be singled out and special. To be
chosen. To have a master select him as worthy of training. If
the student was ready to be a padawan, there would be a master.
That was nearly a Temple aphorism.
No master had chosen him. Did that mean he wasn't ready?
And if so, what could he do about it?
Realistically, very little. Except continue to do his best at
his lessons.
Obi-Wan brushed through his hair, checked to make sure he had
his lightsaber firmly attached to his belt, and made for the
training room designated for today's exercises.
Except that they weren't exercises, hadn't been for several
months now.
They were instead demonstrations for the assembled knights and
masters, to show them this year's crop of students.
As he entered the room, Obi-Wan tried to keep his attention
focused where it should be, on his teacher who stood off to the
side, but found it drifting toward the assemblage. He knew all
of the regular attendees -- the students talked constantly over
who showed up and what kind of apprentice they might be looking
for.
In his distraction, he nearly bumped into someone.
The Jedi master, for that was what he was, stepped neatly
around him.
Obi-Wan flushed with shame. "I'm sorry, Master Jinn. I'll
watch where I'm going from now on."
"See that you do." And the master was off to join his own
peers.
Master Qui-Gon Jinn. An accomplished diplomat and swordsman.
He wanted a humble padawan, Obi-Wan had been told, someone
unlike his previous padawan, who had been of noble birth. Most
likely, a female, as his first padawan who had successfully
become a knight had been female and the failure had been male.
Obi-Wan imagined suddenly, vividly, that instead of being
stepped around as an obstacle, that he was Master Jinn's
padawan, walking by his side. He used the sense memory of the
close contact he had just experienced to make it more real. How
good it would feel to finally be taught. To know himself
worthy, picked out from the horde of other students. What would
it be like to receive direction from a master? To grow and to
change into something more?
"Student Kenobi."
That was his teacher, Master Bosim. The low summons could be
heard clearly across the echoing chamber. Obi-Wan hurried his
steps to reach his classmates.
The teacher broke them into pairs. Obi-Wan's partner was a
friend of his, Bant, a thin girl who was still awkward with her
height. Obi-Wan would have to be careful of her longer reach,
even as he could take advantage of her clumsiness.
"That was Master Jinn, wasn't it? What did he say to you?" she
whispered to him, tone excited.
"Um..." Obi-Wan thought back. "I apologized for nearly running
into him, and he said 'see that you do'. See that I watched
where I was going, I mean."
"But he spoke to you."
"And you have a better chance of becoming his apprentice than
I do. Forget about it, Bant."
She shrugged as they found their places. "Might as well dream,
right?"
"You'll do fine, Bant. No need to dream."
And then they were stepping back from each other, ready to
begin the bout at their teacher's command. Bant's level glare
at him was the only thing that she could communicate across the
distance as they waited in silence, but it said a lot.
He could hear her comment almost as though she'd spoken. 'Stop
being so hard on yourself, Obi. There's nothing wrong with
dreams!'
Obi-Wan smiled back at her.
Igniting their lightsabers on cue, they demonstrated their
understanding of the Earth kata, one of the Elemental series
considered appropriate for their stage of learning. It wasn't a
pun that Obi-Wan particularly appreciated, not after hearing it
so many times, but he grounded himself anyway and fought.
Bant was a good partner for him in this exercise. In a
freestyle bout, he would have been in constant motion. The more
he could lure Bant into movement, the more her clumsiness would
show. Here, with grace and teamwork being the ultimate goal,
Obi-Wan concentrated instead on stillness.
Staying with Bant was what was important. Letting her
concentration -- which was better than his -- compensate for
her newfound tendency to trip over her own boots.
Obi-Wan noticed, partway through the third movement, with some
chagrin, that Bant was shortening her reach, holding herself
back so that his own lack of reach would not become a problem.
The perfect pair, he thought, with a touch of bitter
humor. Bitter because they were not performing at their best.
Or, more clearly, bitter that they were performing for
their audience.
Not challenging each other. Not pushing their limits.
But rather, being mindful of those watching. If his partner
had been anyone but Bant, Obi-Wan might have been spurred into
making this a challenge. Working on the kata for real, testing
his and his partner's speed and limitations. But it was Bant,
and he didn't want to hurt her chances of becoming a padawan by
making her look bad.
They completed the Earth kata smoothly, without too many
errors, and returned to their initial positions.
Not all of their peers had fared as well, Obi-Wan noted, not
turning his head to look. He could smell the scorch of a saber
burn in fabric. Thankfully, their layers of clothing gave them
some protection against burns.
They went through a few more demonstrations, then were
dismissed.
Quietly, the students and most of the observers left the hall.
Conveniently, it was time for the initiates' noon meal. It gave
the Jedi looking for padawans time to speak with the students,
and the students much fodder to gossip over later.
Obi-Wan was tired of it.
No one had come looking for him as their apprentice, and the
thrice-weekly torture of wondering if someone ever would
had worn away much of his enthusiasm over the prospect. Living
on a saber's edge of anxiety and excitement did not appeal to
Obi-Wan's nerves.
Even if he still harbored that same desperate longing within
him that everyone else also had. To be accepted. To be one of
the Jedi.
He looked up in amazement as Master Jinn sat down at his
table, in the midst of the students.
All of them, including Obi-Wan, bowed their heads respectfully
to the Jedi master, who smiled gently at them. "Please, go back
to what you were doing. I wanted to see how you interact when
you are among yourselves."
There were many nervous stares, and much fiddling with
dinnerware.
Finally, one bold student said, "Are you looking for a
padawan, Master Jinn?"
"And you are, little one?"
The girl smiled shyly. "Jenet, master."
"Yes, Jenet, I'm looking for a padawan. Are you looking for a
master?"
She nodded.
"That's good. I hope we both find what we're looking for."
One by one, they each gradually opened up. Yalinel was
talkative, unable to keep his mouth closed and constantly
interrupting with another observation or poem or question for
the master.
"I wrote this yesterday, Master Jinn," Yalinel said, even as
Mellika was saying something to the master that Obi-Wan had
first heard in their lessons last week, about following through
on commitments. Quoting it nearly word for word, as far as
Obi-Wan could tell.
That was certainly insightful.
He felt ashamed of himself for thinking badly of his peers. He
tried to block out that part of himself, to not dwell on the
negative. It was pleasant just to have Master Jinn there,
something to see a master sitting with initiates, behaving like
a real person.
Bant was openly smiling. Sunjat was talking excitedly to the
boy next to him.
Everyone was involved. Except him.
Obi-Wan couldn't help but feel that there was something wrong
about pestering a Jedi master this way. Something...
undignified. Disrespectful.
Even as, at the same time, he wanted to find some way to
connect, some way to win just a little of that easily granted
approval for himself.
Yalinel said something.
Obi-Wan refocused as Master Jinn leaned over and hugged him.
What had Yalinel said? Something about remembering his parents
and missing them?
And it had won him a hug.
Obi-Wan ached, feeling the warmth of that embrace from where
he sat. He wanted it so very much.
"Will you hug me, too?" Bant asked.
Qui-Gon turned to her, and hugged her.
"And me?"
The table was suddenly a chorus of voices, most of the
initiates clamoring for the same thing.
Master Jinn smiled at all of them. "Of course, you may."
Those on Qui-Gon's side of the table went to him, taking their
turns in the shelter of his cloak.
Obi-Wan wasn't on that side.
Mellika, seated next to Obi-Wan, spoke up. "Us too, master?"
Master Jinn made a show of looking himself over, holding out
his arms to his sides and examining them. "It seems that I do
have room left over for more hugs."
The answering cheer was very enthusiastic.
"It seems wrong somehow," Obi-Wan whispered to Bant, sitting
across the table from him.
"What seems wrong?" the Jedi master asked him.
Obi-Wan gulped as the focus was suddenly thrown on him. "To
ask to hug you. It feels wrong to ask a master for that."
"Well, it's the only way you'll get a hug. I'm certainly not
going to force one upon you."
The other students laughed, and Obi-Wan blushed. He hadn't
thought of it that way. That made so much sense.
But before anything further could be said or done, another
student approached the master, tapped him on the shoulder, then
whispered a message into his ear.
Master Jinn stood immediately. "I must go now. Thank you for
letting me eat with you." He bowed to them, eliciting another
round of giggles, and then left.
After he was gone, Bant leaned over the table. "Bet you're
sorry now that you didn't sit next to me."
"A little," he admitted.
Her eyes were shining. "That was so amazing."
"Uh huh."
Her eyes softened. "I'm sorry you missed it."
"It's all right. I... there's something I have to think
about."
She raised her eyebrows but let him alone, content with her
memory.
What Master Jinn had said... that, if he didn't ask, he
wouldn't get a hug. That it wasn't going to be forced upon him.
His choice.
It made him think about more than just a hug, about the
central question of his current existence.
Would he become a padawan? Would a master take him as an
apprentice?
Master Jinn's words made sense. They were right. He knew they
were right.
And yet...
He still felt that there was something missing. He didn't know
what. He couldn't use the insight he'd just been given.
But he knew now that if he had gotten up and went around the
table, a hug could have been his. If he'd asked, it would have
been his. The acceptance would have been given to him, and he
would have received a hug.
The answer was that simple. Ask.
And yet he felt so many conflicting emotions. Felt as though
nothing could be so simple.
Because if things could be that simple...
Hours later, after more lessons, an afternoon spent in
performing small chores and errands, and the evening meal,
Obi-Wan and his fellow students had some free time.
He usually spent his free time with his friends, although as
of late he tended to avoid the other initiates because he
didn't want to talk about becoming padawans, or worse,
speculate about turning 13 and having to leave the Temple for
good.
Even Bant didn't bother asking him any more, leaving him alone
in the evening unless he sought her out. She was a good friend
to him that way. Bant respected his privacy and shared his
misery.
And he wanted to be alone right now.
He accessed a floor plan of the Temple from the computer link
in the room he shared with three other students, all of whom
were out, no doubt talking about the morning's work-out.
He found what he was looking for without much effort. The
location of Master Jinn's room.
Obi-Wan pulled his courage about him. This was one of the
harder things he'd ever done.
He put on his cloak, and slipped out into the corridor.
It was not forbidden to go out into the main body of the
Temple without supervision.
Rarely done, but not forbidden.
Obi-Wan had been on a night raid of the refectory once. They'd
been caught long before they actually reached their goal. But
they'd been kindly treated by the knights who had stopped them,
taken to the refectory anyway -- and supplied with Wilf roots.
Their reunion with their compatriots had not been a happy one.
Oh, Wilf roots were edible. Barely. If you liked that
kind of thing.
It wasn't really done to think about full Jedi playing a prank
on students. But Obi-Wan had a sneaking feeling that the Jedi
who had caught them had laughed privately at the fate of their
'captives'.
He walked on through the still corridors, until he came to the
door he sought.
The door to Master Jinn's room.
Hesitantly, he touched the door chime. He was here now. He
would continue, despite the churning feeling in his stomach.
The door opened.
Obi-Wan's eyes met a dark robe, then he looked up, just as the
Jedi master looked down.
"Good evening," Master Jinn said. "Would you like to come in?"
"Please."
He was motioned in. As Obi-Wan remained standing, the tall
Jedi knelt down in front of him. "Yes?"
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "Can I have a hug? Please?"
"Yes, you may." Master Jinn opened his arms, and Obi-Wan
stepped forward.
He was immediately folded into a close embrace that loosened
the knots inside him, bringing tears to his eyes for the second
time that day.
"Th-- thank you," he said shakily.
"You're very welcome. Thank you." The master Jedi
regarded him gravely, still kneeling. "Would you like me to
take you back to your room?"
"I..."
"Yes?" the older man said, with an encouraging tone.
He summoned up all of his resolve. This went against
everything he knew, everything that told him he was supposed to
wait until a master told him he was worthy. But it felt right.
"Can I be your padawan?"
The silence echoed, and Obi-Wan wondered if he had made a
mistake.
Master Jinn smiled. A happy, booming laugh filled the room.
"You seem to have taken my lesson to heart." He touched
Obi-Wan's chin with his fingers. "What might your name be?"
"Obi-Wan Kenobi, master."
"Very well, then, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Will you do me the honor of
being my padawan?"
And he said it, joy bubbling up inside him. "Yes. Oh, yes,
please."
"Then you are. Simple as that," Qui-Gon said briskly. His eyes
were kind as he looked at Obi-Wan. "Now shall I escort you back
to your room? You really should get some sleep if you're going
to start off on your new life as a padawan in the morning."
"Yes, master. Thank you, master."
Master Jinn stood and took his hand, clasping it firmly. "The
decision was always yours, padawan. You only needed to trust
yourself enough to ask."
Archive 