Archive: MA, sure. Anybody else who wants it just let me know.
Category: POV, H/C of sorts
Rating: G
Warnings: First fic ever
Spoilers: post TPM
Summary: Obi-Wan receives a final lesson.
Feedback: Yes please! Good, bad, whatever.
Disclaimers: The Jedi belong to Lucas. As for the title... it's
almost identical with the one of the wonderful story Mona
posted recently (which actually was the first Q/O I've read, a
long way back, before MA). Mona, I'm sorry, but I can't think
of a different one here.
Thanks: Blue-white-warped chocolate and a new QuiClone to
Jadzia for beta and encouragement.
Master Yoda send me away.
So many things I found for myself to do, but he send me away. I
was almost willing to argue. But I did not. I obeyed and now
I'm sitting here, away from Theed at the edge of a forest,
under a tree overlooking the wide grassland. I'm sitting in
shadows overlooking the width gleaming in sunlight.
How symbolic.
And I couldn't care less. Do I care about anything right now?
Apart from avoiding the pain. That's why I kept myself
occupied. If I stand still for just a moment reality would
catch up on me.
Master Yoda took away the tasks I set up for myself and he send
me away to seek out the Force.
A Jedi can feel the Force at all times, but without intention
it's more like a background noise. You have to reach out for it
to get more than currents. I've been avoiding to reach out and
connect because it will hurt. Because I won't find you in it
anymore. With your death our bond was broken. If I would open
up to the Force then there would be an empty spot, microscopic
in the vastness, but size doesn't matter. How true that is.
This tiny spot is where our bond was, where we were connected.
It hurts to think of it in past tense, how much worse would it
be to actually feel it.
I don't want to, but Yoda insisted. Not in words or gesture but
his tone when he said that I needed to do this, to open
up to the Force.
Need.
Master, you taught me many things. We had a rough start, a way
with bends and curves unusual for the passage from initiate to
padawan. I was desperate to understand you and your decisions.
Later you told me that it was the same for you. Easier of
course, since you had more experience as a Jedi, as a Master.
But still you wanted to understand me as I wanted to understand
you. But our reasons were so different. I wanted to know where
I stood with you, how to fit into your life, to make the
transition as smooth as possible. You wanted to understand me
because you needed to do so, because it was the right way.
Later you showed me that understanding is the right way for our
whole life. Our relationship has changed, evolved over time. As
we were Master and Padawan, friends, lovers, two parts of one
soul. And in all that the foundation was understanding and
providing what the other truly needed, not what one wanted or
thought to want. You always gave what I truly needed, you
taught me the difference between this need and want. You taught
me to find the truth within me and in you. When I learned this
we became lovers, because it was the right way for us, because
we shared the same need. You knew about it for a long time but
you had to wait until I realised that on my own.
"What you need" can be many things, and sometimes it is not
what you want it to be. It sounds so easy, but in fact it is
more difficult than most things I have learned. Sometimes I
wonder if I can ever reach your level of understanding. How
should I be able to find the truth and help others as a Jedi
when it is still so hard for me to understand what I need.
Yoda said I needed to open up to the Force. That word really
got my attention.
Need.
I knew the truth of his words in an instance. I knew it before
he said all of them. Nevertheless I wanted to put it off, and I
still do.
"A Jedi's life is a hard one" It is not a phrase, it is true,
because among other things you come to understand that your
worst enemy lies within yourself. To avoid the truth, the pain,
is to feed this enemy. I'm giving in where I should make a
stand.
I'm almost ready. Not much longer.
Maybe pain would be a cleansing, sweep away my doubts, my
regrets, my guilt... there is even more. More feelings
unfitting a Jedi, anger at myself for not being good enough to
be at your side, Master, and anger at you, for getting killed,
for putting me into this position.
These feelings are treacherous because they are a distraction,
they can take the edge of the pain- that's why I keep them
close.
I wonder where all this anger comes from? Is it all my creation
or is it more, a leftover from my brush with the Sith? After
the wall came down I used the Dark Side. Strange word for it.
The Force is the Force. The shade lies not in the Force itself
but in how you approach it and in your purpose, your focus. I
never thought myself to be pure, no one is. Strange as it may
seem, even Master Yoda is not pure. All of us have a dark side,
the difference is how you handle it. A Jedi has to find it, to
acknowledge it and to be wary of it at all times, to keep it in
check and fight it when it arises.
I think I was underway to ignore it. I never did this, you
taught me better.
So I deal with it now. I accept my undoing.
And I let go.
It takes a while but then I'm finally free. Now I can open up
to the Force, not that I want to, but I need it.
Now.
Pain - here I come.
Here I am - tears in my eyes.
Anakin.
Teach him... - I didn't want this responsibility. But you
needed me to and I needed to give you this promise.
Anakin. That's how I think of him no, not "The boy" anymore. A
progress, that's for sure.
When you told the Council you would take him as your Padawan I
was shocked and hurt. But you had to move fast to go for what
you believed to be right. Later you explained that to me but I
already came to understand it. Nothing had changed between us.
It was certain that I wouldn't always be your Padawan. But we
were a pair and we would have stayed that way. No Chosen One
could change that. There was enough room in your, in our life.
This afternoon the Council will decide about Anakin's future
but regardless of the decision, I will keep my promise.
And now I wonder what would have become of him if Master Yoda
hadn't sent me here. This idea chills me to the core, I can't
really grasp why, but I have the feeling that I would have
missed to teach him something important without today, without
what I feel now. What kind of teacher would I have been, blind,
crippled, without joy.
And this nightfall, your funeral, what would I have seen? You,
my Master, my love, being cremated.
But that's only one facet of truth. I have changed my point of
view and so I will see more of the truth tonight.
Now that I'm open I can feel you in the Force, not your
awareness, but your presence as you are beginning to weave into
the Force itself, into its harmonics. In a day I wouldn't be
able to recognise you any more, the edges are already fading.
But maybe, now that I felt you there, how you fit into it, how
you find your shifting place I may recognise you again. But to
be honest, it doesn't matter anymore. You are part of the
Force, part of life, part of everywhere. As I will be.
Where our bond was, where I expected pain, there is only my
love for you, so much that I can't keep it, I pour it out into
the Force.
And it comes back.
All the love I give comes back to me. Loved by you, loved by
the Force.
You were right when you said that I still had much to learn
about the Living Force - but look now, with your death you gave
me a final lesson. Maybe one of the most important, one that
fills me with joy.
I will teach Anakin that - and this thought lets the chill I
felt earlier disappear.
I will join you, my love, sometime, no need to hurry. Until
then I will do my duty with all I have to offer, so much more
for your final lesson. And I will cherish this mortal life as
is only right for such a great gift provided by the Force.
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