Master Apprentice
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continued from part 1
"Obi-Wan," Van said, "You know you can trust me. I'll keep your confidence. But something is tearing you apart."
"I know. I just can't afford to. There's too much at stake."
"You can tell me. Now talk. How long were you lovers?"
"How did you know?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Simple, old friend." Van grinned into the darkness. "You haven't called him 'master' since I got here. You were never so familiar with him in public, so you must have been very familiar with him in private. That, and how you reacted when you realized whose arms you were dancing in. So how long?"
"Since I was seventeen."
Van's arm cradling Obi-Wan's head jerked involuntarily at the surprising revelation. "You're not kidding me, are you?" Van asked.
"No, I'm not."
"How did it happen? I mean, none of us ever would have guessed. The two of you were always so prim and proper. The perfect master / padawan pair," Van marveled. "We all had crushes on our masters back then. Sith, we all had crushes on anything back then. All of us just went around frustrated, taking a lot of cold showers. So who seduced whom?"
"It wasn't like that," Obi-Wan said softly. "It was mutual."
"Obi, someone always takes the first step, makes the first move. And I can't picture you doing that."
"Do you remember the first year Qui-Gon and I won the sparring contest?"
"Of course. You were the youngest padawan ever to win, and Master Jinn made a big show of it. He even. . ." Van's voice trailed off. "He even kissed you. On the forehead." Obi-Wan nodded and Van continued. "In front of everyone. So what happened?"
"It was just an innocent kiss. But I got an erection. It was all I could do to get to the showers before everyone could see. I know my face turned red. You know how I blush so bad. So I headed for the showers quick."
"I didn't realize that was what was happening. I just thought you were embarrassed with all the attention. You never did take well to that. He made excuses for you. Said you were modest and needed a moment alone. Then he followed you into the locker room."
Obi-Wan remembered that he had been holding his face into the spray of water, letting it course down his body, cooling and cleansing, when he felt those strong arms envelope him from behind. He had leaned back into that embrace as if he had always done so, as if he belonged there.
"He came into the shower and hugged me."
"Was that all?"
"Yes. No. Well, sort of. I mean we didn't do anything then. It was just. . ." Obi-Wan's voice trailed off.
After a pause, Van prompted "Just what, Obi?"
"Just not like the hugs I was used to. I mean, he hugged me a lot before then. All the masters did. Well, at least most of them did. But this was different. This was. . ." Earnest grey eyes looked up into concerned blue ones, then looked away again quickly. "It felt like all my life I'd been waiting for him to hold me like that, and I didn't even know that was what I was waiting for. But when he finally did, it just felt so *right*. Like we were always supposed to be lovers. I don't know how to explain this, but it just felt like I was taking the first step to being grown up. I wanted him and I could tell he wanted me, too."
"Obi," Van started. "We all read things into what our masters did. They were just teaching us. . ."
"No," Obi-Wan interrupted, turning quickly to his friend. "Not like this. Now with an erection pressed up between the cheeks of our arses, they didn't. Our naked arses in the shower, no less. Not with his arms wrapped around me, kissing me on the neck. No. This was no mistake."
"Sorry, Obi," Van spoke conciliatorily. "I didn't mean anything. It's just kind of hard to believe."
"It seemed so natural at the time," Obi-Wan said. "He wanted me, as a man wants another man. And I wanted him back just as much."
"But Obi, you were always teasing around with the girls, never with the guys. I never saw you with anyone except that time I caught you fumbling around with Pre'll. She seemed to be enjoying it, and so did you. When was that?"
"When I was sixteen," Obi-Wan answered, smiling to himself at the memory. "Before Qui. I guess I never gave it much thought before then. I mean, with Pre'll, we just petted some, nothing serious. Let's face it, all of us were totally lacking in finesse or skill back then. And we always had to stop before we went too far, so none of it was very satisfying, truth be told."
"Yeah, I remember. But when you and Master Jinn came to the celebration afterwards, you didn't act like anything was unusual."
"It wasn't. It was later that night. And I wanted it just as much as he did."
"But, Obi. You were only seventeen. How could you know that? He shouldn't have."
"Shouldn't have what?" Obi-Wan countered defensively, but before Van would respond, he went on. "You don't know. You weren't there. Qui- Gon gave me every chance in the universe to stop. He kept asking me, over and over. 'Are you sure?' He even explained to me that we would have to keep it a secret from the whole temple. I already knew that. If he wanted me, then I wanted him. I didn't mind keeping the secret if that's what he wanted. He had more to lose than I did if we got caught. If he was willing to break the Code to be with me, how could I possibly refuse?"
But like a speeder without a retro engine, it had all gone spinning out of control. Obi-Wan had felt like he had lost the ability or will to resist. He didn't want to resist. Back in their quarters, as soon as the door had closed behind them, Qui-Gon had pulled him into his arms again. This time, the lips were on his own. A warm tongue insinuated itself between Obi-Wan's lips and pressed into his mouth, forcing it open until he could taste everything that was his master. Obi-Wan could almost feel himself hardening again at the memory. Obi-Wan remembered the feeling of his master pressing gently into his mouth with his tongue. Then Qui-Gon had pressed into Obi- Wan's body, first with his fingers. And then with his cock. That pain that felt like it was tearing him apart and pulling him together all at the same time was beyond all words. The delicious sweet bliss, that came as the pain receded and the thrusting started in earnest. It was such intense pleasure that he thought he would die from the ecstasy. He had climaxed with Qui-Gon still moving within him, pushing him ever further ahead. Qui-Gon had held still as the orgasm shook every muscle in Obi-Wan's body. Then, as the shuddering had eased, Qui-Gon had started moving again. Moving stronger and harder until, just before he thought he couldn't take it any more, Obi-Wan could feel the shaft inside him pulsing out his master's relief deep within his body, and he heard his lover's shout of affirmation.
"No one had ever wanted me that way before. I loved him so much." Obi-Wan looked up, meeting his friend's eyes in the gloom. "Can you understand?"
"So you've been keeping that secret ever since?" Van asked, awed by the prospect of what that must have entailed. "Even after he died. No wonder that almost killed you. All those years. You must have almost been bond-mates by that time."
"I thought we were. I thought as soon as I was knighted, we would ask the Council for permission." Obi-Wan swallowed hard to keep the tears at bay. "I mean, I just assumed that we would. He never actually said that we would. He just kept telling me that we would never be apart. I had no reason to doubt that."
"We all knew about how he would get away with defying the Council . But this," Van said, waving his hand in the air, "is different. There is no way he could have expected the Council would so easily forgive him for having taken you as a lover. He only made it worse by asking you to keep it a secret."
"I just assumed we would be bonded, no one would ever need to know about before. I always thought that, in the end, it would be worth it."
Always? Had it been worth all the dissembling and secrecy to have Qui-Gon in his bed at night? Had it been worth maintaining the façade of a master and padawan in public to have Qui-Gon moving inside his body at night? Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan said, "But I was wrong."
"How so?" Van asked.
"He wanted Anakin instead."
"But he's just a little boy!" Van burst out.
"No, not that way," Obi-Wan said quickly, cutting off Van's misunderstanding. "He wanted him for a padawan. He told the Council that I was ready for my trials and that he was going to train Anakin."
Obi-Wan sat up and crossed his legs, wrapping his cloak around him against the evening's chill. Van just shifted on the grass and laid his head on Obi-Wan's thigh. Looking up at him, Van said "That must have really hurt."
"It did. But he knew what was best. He knew Anakin was the one chosen to bring balance. He knew what he was doing. I was just too young, and too much in love, to know that at the time."
"But now?" Van whispered, his hand stroking along Obi-Wan's thigh softly.
Obi-Wan was tired, so very tired. He just wanted to go home and go to sleep. "At the time, I thought that our love would last forever. And maybe it could have. But the Force did not will it so. We are Jedi, and we must bend our own will to that of the Force." Obi-Wan thought, but did not say out loud, that he was no longer certain what had been the will of the Force and what had been the will of Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Fuck, Obi. That's about the most sanctimonious thing I've ever heard you say. And trust me, you were pretty sanctimonious as a padawan for someone who was getting laid every night." Obi-Wan just shook his head at Van's outburst. "So when did you figure it out? That he was using you?"
"Oh, Van," Obi-Wan protested. "You can't say he was using me. He just didn't feel as deeply about me as I felt about him."
"And when did you come to that brilliant conclusion?"
"The night he died." Obi-Wan's voice was barely a whisper and Van let the silence linger.
"What happened, Obi? You can tell me. It's all right."
"It's not all right," Obi-Wan was on the verge of tears again. "You know what? I saw that blade go through his chest and it might as well have gone through mine. I loved him so much I would have followed him into the Force if I'd been allowed to. But I turned that into anger. Just as much anger as the Sith had for me, only mine was stronger. And I cut that Sith in half." Obi-Wan's grief was turning to anger again at the memory.
"And you know what else? I got back to Qui before he died. He died in my arms. I held him and felt the life force seeping out of him and I couldn't do anything to stop it. All he said was "Promise me you will train the boy."
"And did you? Promise, I mean?"
"Yes. I did. And I have kept that promise. I've trained him. Anakin is my padawan now, just as Qui-Gon wished it to be."
Van rolled onto his side, wrapping his arms around Obi-Wan's waist. "How did you manage to convince the Council? You were too young, too inexperienced."
"I got down on my knee, and looked Yoda square in the eye, with Qui- Gon's body barely cold. He tried to warn me. He said "Grave danger I fear in his training," Obi-Wan did a credible imitation of the ancient little green master. "But I learned defiance of the Council from the hands of an expert. I told him that I gave Qui-Gon my word and I intended to keep that promise. I would train Anakin. -- Without the approval of the Council if I must."
Van grinned briefly at the mocking tone of Obi-Wan's voice, but quickly sobered. "I can't believe you got away with that. I wouldn't have thought even you could get Master Yoda to change his mind on something that important."
Obi-Wan smiled sadly, "He did say that I didn't need to be defiant the way Qui-Gon was. I guess he knew I meant it."
"It must have been hard being a master to a padawan so soon after loosing your own master." Van asked, reaching up and cupping the softly bearded chin in his palm.
Obi-Wan nodded.
"No one to turn to when you're not sure what to do next."
Obi-Wan nodded again.
"And you're worried that you're not doing such a good job of it, aren't you?"
"No," Obi-Wan whispered, "I'm not."
Suddenly, Obi-Wan remembered his promise to his padawan to be home early. "Oh, Force. Anakin. I forgot. I left him to practice his meditations. I said I wouldn't be out late." Obi-Wan pushed Van's head off his lap and jumped up. "I need to get back."
Van caught up with Obi-Wan striding purposefully through the Temple corridors. "I'll come with you."
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Obi-Wan countered.
Sincerely surprised, Van asked, "Why ever not?"
Obi-Wan turned, smiling toward his old friend. "He seems to think there's something romantic between us. He acted like he didn't believe me when I told him we were just good friends."
"Well," Van teased, "is that so unbelievable?"
"Hah." Obi-Wan barked sarcastically, raising his hand to palm open the door. "You? You could have the pick of anyone in this Temple, and you know it."
Van reached out to grab the wrist before the door could open. He spun Obi-Wan around and pulled him into a quick embrace, nuzzling his face into Obi-Wan's neck, making wet slurpy noises as he blew out a breath through lips pressed just below the ear. Obi-Wan squirmed away from the tickling mouth.
"Van!" he exclaimed, laughing. "Grow up! Do you still run around giving raspberries to everyone in the galaxy?"
"No," Van replied in mock indignation. "Just my oldest and best friend and just when I need to hear him laugh."
"Well," Obi-Wan said, still laughing as he palmed the door open, "you succeeded."
"Succeeded at what, Master?"
The two men turned quickly to see the boy on the sofa grinning back at them. Anakin jumped up and came forward, his hand outstretched in greeting. "You must be Master Van," he said, closing the gap between them. "I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Anakin Skywalker."
"And I, you," Van replied, taking the proffered hand. "And it's Knight Van, not master." He elbowed the man standing next to him in the ribs. "Of all our agemates, only your master has taken a padawan."
Obi-Wan stumbled a bit as the door behind them started to close, catching the tail of his cloak where he had barely cleared the portal.
"Been down in the sublevels, huh, Master?" the boy asked slyly.
Obi-Wan was immediately defensive. "No, Ani. We've been in the Fountain Garden." This statement was met by a raised eyebrow and an even slyer grin. "Talking. Catching up." Turning the conversation around, he quickly asked "Have you eaten?"
"Yes, Master. I fixed myself something." Ani turned back to Van. "Come in. Have a seat. I'll get you some tea. Or would you prefer some beer? There's a few bottles of Corellian ale here."
Obi-Wan smiled as he showed Van to the couch. "It may be a bit stale. I think it's been in there for quite a while."
"I'll take the ale, thanks," Van said to Ani, who headed for the kitchen. Van picked up the data pad the boy had left behind. "Astrophysics? The boy is really ahead on his studies."
Obi-Wan laughed, a quick snort. "He's always trying to build something. He's probably looking for a way to increase the energy output on his arc engine for his speeder."
"He has a speeder?" Van asked. "At his age?"
"He built it, all by himself," Obi-Wan answered with a mixture of pride and distress. "Against my orders. But he did a good job. It really runs."
"Where would he find those kind of parts?" Van said, impressed.
"In the recycle dump," Anakin said, coming out of the kitchen and handing the men a bottle of ale each, and a frosted mug. "You'd be amazed what people throw out. Perfectly good things."
Van did not miss the look of longing that crossed his old friend's face as he accepted the bottle and mug. He covered quickly. "And where did you learn such skills?"
"When I was a slave on Tatooine," Anakin answered enthusiastically. "I was owned by this little Toydarian named Watto who ran a junk yard. I like to tinker and fix things. I built my own pod racer there, too. Out of things even a junk dealer wanted to throw away."
"I'm impressed," Van said sincerely. "You seem to have a real talent in that area. Is that what you want to do when you are a knight?"
"Oh, no," Ani shook his head. "I'm going to be a great Jedi warrior."
That seemed like an odd thing for such a young padawan to say. "Oh?"
"Master Jinn told me so. He bet his cruiser against my price as a slave on a pod race and I won. So he freed me. Well, really I freed myself. But if he hadn't made the bet, I wouldn't be here."
"You sound like you are well pleased to have been found by Master Jinn." He was surprised at the dark look that crossed the young boy's face.
"Sorta. But my mother is still there. She's still a slave. He didn't live long enough to go back and free her." The boy shot a dark look at his master.
Obi-Wan tried to soothe the tension that he could feel building. "Ani. Thank you for the ale. I think it's past your bedtime, Padawan."
Anakin pouted at the statement, clearly taking it as the hint it was intended to be. "Okay, Master." Then a smile crossed the young face, brightening it. "I know. You just want to get rid of me so you and Knight Van can be alone." He jumped up off the floor, and gave his master a quick hug, then headed toward the hallway. "Goodnight, Master. I'll just be in my bedroom if you need me," he said, his voice lilting in a teasing way.
"Good night, Anakin."
The two friends waited until the boy had left the room before turning back to one another.
"I'm sorry. . ."
"He's a good. . ."
They chuckled and smiled at one another. Van went first. "He's a good boy. Seems quite well behaved. I think you must be doing a very good job with him."
"Oh, I wish that were so. But thank you. He's so willful that sometimes I'm at a loss as to how to handle all that energy."
"It must be hard when you are not that far away from being on the other side of a master / padawan relationship." Van gestured toward the untouched bottle and mug in Obi-Wan's hands. "I guess I should have asked for tea, huh? I should have realized you wouldn't want any more to drink after the club."
Obi-Wan looked down, as if realizing for the first time that he still held the objects. "Oh, no. I just couldn't." He looked up, his eyes sad. "I said it had been here a long time. Two years. This was Qui-Gon's ale. I never liked the stuff, but I couldn't bring myself to throw it out."
Van took the bottle and mug out of Obi-Wan's hands, setting them on the table next to his empty ones. "Why, Obi? Why keep stuff like that around if it hurts you to just look at them?"
"Because he left so little of himself behind. He wasn't a materialistic person at all. When I got back to Coruscant after his funeral, it took all the courage I had to enter these quarters again. I guess I expected that everything I saw would remind me of him. What hurt worse was how impersonal it all seemed. His clothing, his books, a few pair of old boots and a couple of bottles of ale in the cooler. There wasn't much."
"So you just left everything where ever he had left it?"
Obi-Wan just nodded, unable for the moment to speak. Van grabbed the bottle off the table and tipped it up, swallowing steadily until the bottle was empty. He set the empty bottle back on the table, covering a short burp with the back of one hand. "There now. All gone."
Obi-Wan smiled. "You and your incredible tolerance for alcohol. You could always drink the rest of us under the table in the clubs."
"Still can, if this evening is any indication." Van smiled and moved closer to Obi-Wan on the couch. "And so could Master Jinn. If I remember correctly, that big man was a bottomless pit. There was more than one night I can recall that the two of you shepherded my master and me out of the sublevels and back to our quarters. You never did drink much."
"He didn't like me to when we were out in public. Said it would reflect badly on him if people saw his padawan drunk. He had me drink here in our quarters, trying to build up my tolerance. But I never did. I guess that's why I never liked this ale. It was always a test of my endurance."
"You always looked like you were enjoying yourself, like you and your master were happy together. But then I would never have suspected that you two were. . ." Van's voice trailed off.
"Fucking?" Obi-Wan suggested.
"No. I was going to say 'lovers'. It just didn't sound right."
"It wasn't. It wasn't right." Obi-Wan's voice was tinged with bitterness. "You know what makes it hardest?" Obi-Wan looked up into Van's face, his voice a challenge.
It was a challenge Van was willing to meet. "What, Obi?"
"He never said he loved me. Not even in his dying breath." It was obvious from the way that Obi-Wan had trouble saying these words that he had never said them out loud before.
"Never?"
"Oh, if I acted unsure or confused, he would say 'you know you love me' or 'you know I love you.' But that's not the same. It's not the same as looking you in the eyes and saying 'I love you.' Without qualification." Obi-Wan shook his head sadly, not resisting when Van took his hand again. "All he cared about at the end was Anakin. He was so certain that Anakin was the 'chosen' one.
"But what if he was wrong? Everyone thought he was such a great Jedi. The Jedi who would risk his career to defy the Council if he thought he was right and they were wrong." Obi-Wan's voice was rising. "But what if he wasn't right? What if it was all a show without substance?"
"Obi," Van soothed. "Love, keep your voice down. Ani will hear."
"Sometimes I wish everyone could hear," Obi-Wan said. He shook his shoulders and wiped his face on his sleeve, but did not pull his hand out of Van's. "Sometimes it would be such a relief to be able to question, to discuss. To help me sort it out in my own mind."
Van's thumb circled softly on the top of Obi-Wan's hand. "Sort out what?"
"Whether Qui-Gon Jinn was such a great Jedi master." Obi-Wan's voice dropped to a whisper. "Did you know about his funeral?"
"Why? Was there something wrong?" Van asked.
"There was a funeral. That's what was wrong. I was so torn up at the time, I didn't catch it at first. I don't know how I missed it."
"Missed what? I don't understand." Van sounded confused.
"Everyone acted like the burning of Qui's body on that pyre was perfectly normal. But it wasn't. They didn't even return his body from Naboo to the Temple. The only Jedi present were me, Master Yoda and Master Mace Windu. I was so consumed with my guilt and my need to fulfill my promise that I just didn't see the significance."
"Guilt? You did nothing wrong, Obi."
"We were supposed to be unbeatable, the best. But I wasn't good enough to save him. I got myself trapped by an energy barrier and just stood there and watched the Sith run him through. Then he just crumpled down. If I hadn't failed him, he wouldn't have been alone."
"But you didn't fail, Obi. It was you who killed the Sith, you who virtually saved the galaxy. Jedi die. We all know that risk. Every time I step into battle, I know that it may be the last step I take. You know it too. So what was it you were supposed to see?"
Obi-Wan turned, locking grey eyes onto those bright blue ones so like his old master. "They had to burn him to return his soul to the Force. Don't you see? There shouldn't have been any body to be burned at all." Obi-Wan shuddered at the memory of holding that slowly cooling heavy body in his arms after the breath had left it, waiting for the weight to magically disappear. His master had not dematerialized into the Force upon his passing. So Obi-Wan had waited. There was no blood on his hands, the saber blade had seen to that. He just held his dead master, and held him and held him. And nothing had happened.
Not all Jedi disencorporated upon death. But tradition held that all Jedi who were powerful and in favor with the Force did. Qui-Gon Jinn had not. Obi-Wan knew that even if the Council had been too kind to draw it to his attention, it had not escaped their notice. That must have been what Master Yoda was getting at today.
"Oh, I see." Van had finally caught onto his meaning. "You think that maybe the Great Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn wasn't as powerful in the Force as everyone always thought he was?" Obi-Wan just sat there, immobile. "So," Van went on, "I expect that now you are having doubts."
Obi-Wan nodded.
"And what? You think you're responsible for that, too? That somehow you caused him to fall from grace? That if the two of you hadn't been lovers, he wouldn't have needed a funeral?"
"We defied the Code," Obi-Wan sighed. "It's just so hard. I never thought it would be so hard." Obi-Wan could feel the tears were starting again and refused to succumb to them. "And I'm tired. So very tired. I even got hit in the head by a katchi ball today, if you can believe that."
"Oh, Obi. I wish I could help."
"You helped by listening. I've never told any of this to another living soul. It feels better just to get it off my chest. No one will talk to me. Everyone avoids me."
A strong hand cupped Obi-Wan's chin and turned his face. Tilting his head, Van's mouth slowly closed in on Obi-Wan's lips. Very gently, very tenderly, the lips stayed pressed together. Van pulled back just a little and Obi-Wan feared that he was going to pull away. But instead, the tip of a tongue licked across his lips, seeking entrance. Obi-Wan parted his lips and accepted the questing tongue, tasting its owner and letting his own tongue seek in return.
The kiss deepened gradually. It was an exploring kiss, not a demanding one. In all his time as Qui-Gon's lover, Obi-Wan didn't think he had ever felt a kiss so calming. Slowly, Van's hands moved up Obi-Wan's arms, soothing and gentling, as if calming a skittish colt. Without any conscious effort, Obi-Wan's hands moved and came to rest with palms lightly pressed against Van's chest. Whether to push away or to feel them crushed between the two of them, Obi-Wan wasn't sure.
It was Van who broke the kiss. But he didn't move far. His tongue traced a path up the side of Obi-Wan's nose and licked across the long lashes, cleaning the salt left behind by the tears. Then the other eye. Then back to another kiss, this time allowing Obi-Wan to taste his own tears. Again, the kiss was gentle and undemanding.
When Van started to break the kiss, Obi-Wan's hands came up to the sides of Van's head, holding him tight. "Don't," he whispered.
"Don't what?" Van murmured, his lips just a fraction of an inch from ObiWan's.
"Don't stop."
"I won't." This time as the kiss deepened, Van pulled Obi-Wan down so that they were lying entwined on the cushions. When the kiss ended, Obi-Wan maintained the contact between them, nuzzling his face into the V of Van's tunic, savoring the feel of the thick soft chest hairs against his nose and forehead.
Van used an index finger to tilt Obi-Wan's face up, to look into his eyes. "Are you sure, Obi?"
Obi-Wan shook his head, shrugged and then nodded. "No. Yes. I don't know. No one has touched me in so long I don't remember what it feels like. It feels good. This," Obi-Wan said, his voice muffled as he rubbed his face against Van's chest again, "feels really good. Just being here in your arms. It's such a comfort."
"This," Van said, rubbing his erection up against Obi-Wan's thigh, "feels really good to me."
"How about this?" Obi-Wan teased, shifting just a bit so that the two erections were side by side, separated only by the cloth of their leggings, then moving sensuously so that they rubbed against one another. "Or this?" Obi-Wan asked, spreading Van's tunics apart and taking one hard nipple lightly between his teeth, hearing Van's gasp.
With sure fingers, Van untied the lacings on Obi-Wan's leggings and slid a warm hand down along the hard muscled belly until it found its target. Van grasped the hard sex firmly. "Does this feel good?" he asked rubbing his thumb up and down the underside.
Obi-Wan arched neck back away from Van's chest, but pressed his groin firmly against Van's hand. "Oh, yes. That feels good, too."
Van only managed a few short strokes on the hard shaft before Obi-Wan gasped "Oh, Force. I'm coming," and tried to pull back. But Van held him tightly against himself as Obi-Wan grunted softly and convulsed, his release spilling out into Van's hand.
As the shudders abated, Obi-Wan lay limply along Van's side, twitching occasionally from the after shocks. When Van started to pull his hand out of the confining leggings, Obi-Wan moved to the side. "I'm sorry. Oh, Van, I'm so sorry."
"Hush, Obi. Hush," Van soothed, not letting Obi-Wan move far away. "It's all right. In fact," he teased, "it's quite a compliment." Van looked down into Obi-Wan's face, flushed scarlet, and kissed the red nose, then grinned. "I got the sanctimonious Obi- Wan Kenobi off in just a few short pulls." He looked around, his fist closed over the sticky liquid. "Right now," he chuckled, "I need to use your fresher." He released Obi-Wan and started to get up off the couch.
Obi-Wan grabbed at the wrist. "Van?"
Van stopped and turned back, "Yes?"
"Would you. . . I mean I'd like for . . . What I. . .. "
Van interrupted gently. "I'd like to stay, Obi. I'd like that very much."
Obi-Wan nodded and looked down. No matter how gentle Van was, those blue eyes, so like Qui-Gon's, were intimidating.
When Van came out of the fresher, Obi-Wan was standing, straightening his tunics. "Don't do that," Van said, approaching Obi-Wan, smiling and taking his hands. "Which door?"
Obi-Wan indicated the far door and Van led the way into the big bedroom. Obi-Wan sat down awkwardly on the side of the bed as Van started taking off his boots, tossing them into a corner. He fumbled with his own boot buckles until Van knelt beside him and took the boots off carefully. "It's just," Obi-Wan mumbled, "I'm not very – experienced. I don't know . . .wha. . .what. . ."
Once again, Van finished his sentence. ". . .to do?"
Obi-Wan nodded.
"Just let me," Van said, as he gently removed Obi-Wan's belt and sash and then untied Obi-Wan's tunics. When he started to push them off the shoulders, Obi-Wan clutched at his undertunic. "It's all right, Obi. We'll go slow. You weren't ever with any one except Master Jinn, were you?" Van asked, leaving the undertunic in place.
Obi-Wan shook his head.
"Two years? And you've not taken any one else to your bed?"
"I had Anakin to train," Obi-Wan said, almost defensively, as he lifted his hips to let Van remove his leggings, his sex covered by the long undertunic.
"You still have Anakin," Van pointed out, pulling the leggings off over the feet.
"He's older now."
Van stood and removed his own clothing swiftly, turning his back to lay the folded items on a chair. Obi-Wan knew that Van could feel his eyes on him, watching every movement. As Van turned back toward the bed, Obi-Wan saw the soft heavy cock swaying as Van moved, the pelt of hair on his chest undulating like waves as the muscles below it rippled, and stammered "You. . .you're. . .you're beautiful."
Van smiled and climbed into the big bed, pulling Obi-Wan up with him. They started slow. Kissing. Obi-Wan knew that it must be hard on Van to hold himself back, but he was grateful for the effort. It was nice, very nice, to feel wanted this way again. Then he heard, "Are you a top or a bottom?" whispered into his ear.
"What?"
"A top or a bottom. Do you give or receive?"
"I don't. . ."Obi-Wan started, but stopped when he saw Van stroking himself, the full hard erection standing out from his body. Then he understood. "I think I was a bottom."
"Always?" The teasing smile was sweet and familiar.
"No. Not always. Qui had me – well, he had me do him once. He said I needed to know what it felt like."
"My, that sounds romantic. Did you like it?" Van's hand was stroking Obi-Wan's chest through the cloth of the undertunic.
"No. Not really. I mean, sort of. I just liked it better when he . . ." Obi-Wan was relaxing under the soothing touch. "He usually wanted me on my back. He liked it best to have his knees up under me with my thighs over his. He said he liked to watch me come. He liked . . ."
Softly, Van interrupted Obi-Wan's reverie. "I want to know what you like, Obi. What makes you feel good?"
Obi-Wan gasped as Van's hand brushed against the tip of his erection. "On my side." Obi-Wan gasped again as fingers lightly traced the outline of his shaft under the cloth. "I liked it on my side. It's slower, easier."
Van insinuated his hand under the edge of the undertunic, still using just his fingertips to lightly spread the moisture collecting in the slit. Licking on the rim of Obi-Wan's ear, he asked "Is that what you'd like tonight."
Obi-Wan gasped again and nodded, the power of speech having left him.
"Where's the lube?" Van was still licking on the ear, his tongue dipping into the canal lightly, his breath chilling the moisture causing Obi-Wan to shiver.
"In his drawer," was all Obi-Wan could get out.
It was easy to figure out which bedside table had been Qui-Gon's. Van leaned across Obi-Wan and opened the drawer of the table that had nothing on its surface. A bottle of sweet oil was right inside. He pulled it out and, holding it in his hand, he gently pushed Obi-Wan over. Obi-Wan turned and drew up one leg. Van ran his hands over the long line of Obi-Wan's back, slowly pulling the undertunic up to expose the firm buttocks.
Obi-Wan shivered and tensed a little when Van's fingertips started caressing the cheeks of his bottom, but forced himself to relax into the touch. The pressure became firmer, kneading the muscles and pulling the cheeks apart. Then he felt a warm wet tongue sliding down between them. He jerked involuntarily when it passed over the puckered entrance.
"Like that, Obi?"
"Mmmm." Actually, he hadn't liked it, but he thought he should have. It was supposed to feel good.
This time the tongue started at the base of his sac and traveled upward. Obi-Wan braced himself as it neared his anus, but he jerked when it passed over anyway. When the tongue came back and started pressing against the tight muscle, stretching it, Obi-Wan stiffened and couldn't stop himself from pulling away.
"Not that, huh?"
"Unnnnn."
"That's all right," Van soothed. "Not everyone likes that."
Obi-Wan lay still and stiff, willing his body to relax. He felt a splash of oil on his bottom and, once again, he jerked involuntarily. As the fingers massaged the oil in, coming closer and closer to his entrance, he was less and less successful at relaxing. When one fingertip pushed it's slick way inside him, he couldn't stop himself from pulling away. Far away. Very far away. He crawled up in the bed and swung his legs over the side.
"Obi?" Van queried.
"I can't." Obi-Wan whispered, rocking, his arms wrapped around himself. "I just can't."
"Obi, love. It's all right," Van's voice was soft and comforting as he moved up in the bed and took the stiff hard body into his arms. "It's really all right. We don't have to do this. It's all right."
"No," Obi-Wan spit out between clenched teeth. "It's not all right. It never was all right."
"Shhh," Van was rocking along with Obi-Wan now.
"This is his bed. This is where it started."
"It's all right, Obi. You don't have to. . ."
"You don't understand," Obi-Wan spat out. "No one does. You can't imagine what it was like. This big secret. Just Qui and me. Lies and falsehoods. Constantly." Obi-Wan tried to push away from Van, but Van held on tight. "Think of it. Every moment of every day I had to shield my thoughts. From you, from the other padawans, from their masters, from everyone. Imagine what would have happened if any trace of our affair was revealed. We would have been disgraced, cast out."
"No, Obi," Van tried to stop the flow of angry words, but Obi-Wan was having none of it.
"You never saw us touch one another in public, did you? Never ever. He wouldn't touch me at all, not even a hug like the other padawans got when they did a good job. Only in this bed. Only here would he touch me. And then, always there. Always teaching. Always the master."
Qui-Gon's bed. Obi-Wan had not returned to sleep in his own bed after the first time. They had shared Qui-Gon's big bed. This was where his double life had started. Qui-Gon had been as thorough in his training of Obi-Wan in that bed as he had been in every other aspect of his padawan's training. He had taught Obi-Wan all about how to give and receive pleasure, every position their lithe bodies could accomplish, every height of rapture that could be achieved. But what had he taught Obi-Wan about love? Other than how to hide it?
The more distressed Obi-Wan's voice became, the tighter he held onto himself and the tighter Van held onto him. "I don't know any more if he ever loved me. Really loved me. Was that all that there was to love? Getting fucked at the end of a hard day?"
Obi-Wan shuddered. "It's this damn bed. Qui-Gon's bed. I can't stand it. I sleep in it every night and I can't stand it."
"Obi. Calm down. It's just a bed," Van said.
"Not to me, it isn't. Listen. Anakin has nightmares. A lot of nightmares. I think he's tortured knowing his mother is still a slave on Tatooine, owned by that awful Toydarian. One night, he climbed into this bed. I know he was just looking for some comfort in the dark. But I can't tell you how much that scared me, to have him in this bed with me. In Qui's bed. So I put him to sleep. A Force suggestion. And I went back to my old bed, leaving him here for the night."
"That's perfectly understandable, Obi. It's your bed and you didn't want to share it."
"No, that's not it. At first, I tried not to think about it. But the second and third time it happened, I had to face it. Why? Why did I have such a strong aversion to having Anakin sleep with me? It took me a couple of days to figure out why it bothered me so much. It was the bed. I shared this bed with Qui and no other padawan shared a bed with their master. No other padawan had to keep their home life a total secret."
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "I don't think I was ever really comfortable sharing this bed with Qui. Much less with Anakin. And I resented that."
"Do you mean you resented sharing it with Master Jinn?" Van asked. "Or do you mean that you resented Anakin being in the bed you shared with Master Jinn after Master Jinn favored him over you?"
The idea made Obi-Wan think, and think hard. "I honestly don't know," he answered. "But I have to admit that the thought that I might lead my padawan down that same path was literally abhorrent to me. So I cheated. Every time Ani had a nightmare, I would push through the training bond, using it to calm him and put him back to sleep. It got to where I could feel the dreams getting bad and I would wake up, knowing that Ani was on the verge of waking from his terrors. I would go in there and use the bond to push out the fears and force him into a deeper dreamless slumber."
"That makes sense, Obi. You did what you needed to do to help him."
"No." Obi-Wan pushed past Van's arms and leaned forward, burying his face in his trembling hands. "No. It's not the way to handle the problem. We were taught not to use the Force for frivolous purposes. I didn't deal with Ani's terrors, I just pushed them away and pretended they weren't there. But every time I forced Ani to sleep, I felt like I was doing something really wrong."
Obi-Wan started crying again, quickly advancing to full fledged sobs that were choking his breath, bursting out of him like lava. "Don't you see? I hated him for making me do that. I hated both of them. And there was nothing I could do about it."
Obi-Wan was sobbing loudly now, and, for the second time that night, Van quickly erected sound proof shields around them both, pulling his old friend into the bed and back against his chest tightly, wrapping his legs around Obi-Wan's, oblivious to their almost naked contact.
"So what now?" Obi-Wan cried out, tears streaming down his face again. "So Qui isn't the great Jedi after all. His body had to be burned. And if he isn't such a great Jedi, and he didn't really love me, what in the Sith am I doing? Me. I'm the master to a padawan." He turned anguished eyes to Van. "Can you imagine? What can I teach that boy? How to live a lie?"
"But Obi, Anakin's doing just fine."
Obi-Wan thrashed against Van, but was not successful in freeing himself from the tight embrace. "See? I am doing a great job. I've kept all of this from everyone. No one sees. Anytime someone asks me how Anakin is progressing, I've got nothing but praise for the boy's accomplishments." Obi-Wan took a deep sobbing breath, then started talking in sotto voice, " 'Anakin has made great improvements in his fighting skills, in his classwork and in his mastery of the Force.' "
Dropping out of sotto voice, Obi-Wan continued. "Well, that's all true. But he has not made any improvements in learning humility, patience or prudence. If that boy wants something, he goes after it, no matter the consequences. Yes, he's learning. He's learning to be deceptive and cunning and self-satisfying as fast as he is learning mastery of the Force and the skills that will make him a Jedi knight.
"I would like to think that I am a good master to Ani, but, truth be told, I'm just teaching him what Qui taught me. I'm just continuing the tradition. When you commed tonight, I was in the middle of explaining to Anakin how he needed to maintain a serene calm façade no matter what he was feeling inside. I've tried to teach him to dissipate those negative feelings into the Force. But tonight, he asked me what he was supposed to do when there were too many negative feelings to release."
"Obi," Van said reasonably. "Anakin seemed fine to me."
"Hah," Obi-Wan burst out contemptuously. "He's stubborn and willful. You heard him brag about his homemade speeder. I told him he couldn't build it, but he ignored me. You know how I found out? I got commed by Master Yoda asking me to have Ani get the thing out of the temple garden where he had hidden it. Tonight was the first time I found out where he got the parts for that thing.
"But what can I do? If I tell anyone that, if I admit that to anyone, they will send Anakin back to his mother on Tatooine. And then what? I will have failed to accomplish carrying out my promise to Qui. His last dying wish.. And my promise to Ani. He stood there next to me at the funeral, watching Qui-Gon's body burn. The poor boy was lost and afraid. I promised that he would be a Jedi, and so he will."
Obi-Wan was running out of steam, his anger turning back into grief as he slumped against Van's chest, snuffling more quietly. "I'm sorry, Van. I usually manage to keep it all together. I try too hard. I can't believe how badly I've behaved tonight. But I just can't seem to quit crying. This is so ridiculous of me. I'm making such a fool of myself."
"Listen, Obi. Listen to me." Van took the bearded chin into his palm and turned it so that Obi-Wan had to look him square in the face. "What Master Jinn did to you was unconscionable. NO," he waved his other hand, pushing Obi-Wan's protests back, gripping the chin tighter. "Don't you tell me about how you were a willing participant, because no matter what you think, you weren't. Had you ever said 'no' to anything he asked before then? None of us ever said no. We were taught that what our masters said was what was best for us, that they had our best interests in mind in all their decisions."
Van leaned forward and kissed away the tears from one grey eye. "You didn't have any choice, Obi. You didn't know how to say no." He kissed away the tears from the other grey eye. "So what if Master Jinn's body didn't vanish when he died? So what? And so what if he didn't say he loved you, or used his last breath to make you promise to train Anakin. So what?" Van kissed along Obi-Wan's cheek to the ear and back. "How you got here doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter, and you need to put it behind you."
"Oh," Obi-Wan breathed, lifting his face to those sweet comforting lips, into a soft light kiss.
"What matters is this moment. Right now. And right now, you can't bring yourself to accept what you want most, and probably need very badly, a night of pleasure in my arms." Obi-Wan started to pull away, but Van put his hand behind Obi-Wan's head and held his face next to his own lips. "It's all right, Obi. It's all right. I don't mind nearly as much as you think I do. Our relationship is built on friendship first, not sex. And not power."
Obi-Wan stopped resisting and let his head fall onto Van's shoulder. "What matters is that you are doing the best you can. With Anakin. With me. With all of it." Van's hands patted Obi- Wan's head lightly, stroking down the length of soft red-blonde hair. "You are my oldest and dearest friend, Obi. And right now I know you better than you know yourself. At this moment, you are doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can ask of you."
Obi-Wan nodded, finding great solace in his friend's words.
"Come now," Van insisted, pulling Obi-Wan down into the bed and tucking the covers up over them. Obi-Wan did not resist as Van lay on his back and pulled his friend up against his side. "Come now and sleep." Van held Obi-Wan's head against his chest, stroking across the forehead lightly, gently but persistently, gradually easing the other man into a dreamless sleep.
"Ani will never believe that we aren't lovers if he finds us like this in the morning."
"Maybe that's not such a bad thing," Van replied, still stroking. Obi-Wan could hear the smile in the voice.
Obi-Wan's eyelids drooped as he reached a hand up and tapped a fingertip lightly on Van's lips. "Frivolous. Totally frivolous." He yawned. "Thank you, Van. Thank you for being here."
The eyes closed. "Lights, out," Van said, placing a kiss on the cooling forehead in the resulting darkness. "You're welcome, Obi. Sleep now. You're welcome."
Van continued stroking Obi-Wan's forehead until he was certain that the man was in a deep dreamless sleep. Then he went about the business of sinking into a meditation that would enable him to release his own anger and frustrations into the Force. Until his advances had been rebuffed, Van had not realized how very much he wanted to make love to Obi-Wan and that he had wanted to do so for a very long time. He wanted to be loved by him in return.
Van had given Obi-Wan his promise of confidence. The great and terrible Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn had, even from beyond life, ensnared another victim. Now Van must keep the secret with Obi-Wan until such time as Obi-Wan could bring himself to reveal the truth of his master's duplicity.
Van knew that time would not come until Obi-Wan could accept that he was not at fault. To do that, Obi-Wan must escape his shroud of guilt. Much as he wished it were not true, Van had doubts as to whether his dear friend would ever be able to do that. Without that release, Obi-Wan would never be able to accept true love when it was offered to him. He would always doubt its sincerity. He would always fear that he would suffer some punishment for his trust.
Was that the plan of the Force all along? Was there some greater good to be served by this awful situation? That prospect was of little comfort to Van as contemplated his choices.
He could walk away and leave Obi-Wan Kenobi to his fears and doubts. This wasn't his problem. Nor was he able to provide a solution. There were others in the galaxy who would be happy to have Van in their beds and in their lives. Others whose company would not be so complicated.
Or he could stay near, offering what comfort and guidance he could. Offering what friendship and love his old friend was able to accept. And hoping that it would be to him that Obi-Wan would turn when the time was right. If it ever was.
Van kissed the brow that rested on his shoulder, breathing in the sweet smell of Obi-Wan at peace. Yes, Qui-Gon Jinn had well and truly ensnared another victim.
Ar Sist