Fates - At Night

by Raina

Archive: yes please, M_A; nuttersinc (nowhere else)

Paring: Q/O

Category: AU, Romance, POV

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: We don't own Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. However, Partner in Crime and I share custody of Padawans Quiggs and Ben.

Feedback: Always a treat (raina_at@yahoo.de)

Summary: Quiggs can't sleep and ponders his relationship with Ben.

Warning: Purest mush.

Spoilers: Fates-series

Notes: Confession: this plot bunny hit me in a Karaoke bar when a guy sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes." Embarrassing. So one could say this is sort of a songfic. No lyrics or any of that though. And for once, nobody sings. At all.

Series: Yes, Fates. I'd strongly recommend reading the earlier instalments of the series first, or else this won't make much sense in some places.

Fates timeline found here:

http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/nuttersinc/fates_timeline.html

Thank you's: Leandra for not laughing when I read this to her in Edinburgh and to Temve for the beta as always.

I can't move. Haven't been able to for hours now. If I move, he'll wake up, and that's the last thing I want. I love to watch him sleeping. Our life is so hectic, and our opportunities to sleep together like this, holding each other, are too few for me to indulge in that love often. So I gladly relinquish movement in favour of being able to watch him.

I know he'd be flattered to hear how much I enjoy gazing at his still form for hours on end. As conscious of his body as he is, he'd like that a great deal. I long ago recognised his self-confident contentment with his body as the acceptance and comfort of his own skin that marks the Jedi way rather than the arrogance I took it for when we first met. But then again, I was an idiot at that time. Especially where Ben was concerned.

He shifts a bit and snorts in his sleep as if to argue with my thoughts. I kiss the top of his head and tell him silently to shut up and sleep on.

He looks so much younger when he's asleep, so vulnerable, not at all the powerful Jedi I know he is. I watch him, and a shard of fear passes through me. I know that fear well, it has become a part of me, of our very relationship, and usually it passes through me into the Force without leaving behind more than a shiver down my spine.

Only today it doesn't pass. Today the question is quicker. "What if...".

Jedi do not hate, but I have learned to dislike this question intensely. What if today is the last time I'll ever hold him like this? What if tomorrow the Force calls one of us home, or what if fate will decide to pull us apart?

I sigh. The thought isn't new, in fact it's been there almost as long as our physical relationship. That was a great start for our relationship, wasn't it? We slept together for the first time, and not 24 hours later, Yoda told him that our love had no future, that our fates didn't lie together.

I didn't believe it when Ben told me about Yoda's warning, and I don't really believe it now. But I know this: the future may be clouded and always in motion, but though not all-knowing, Yoda is never really wrong.

So what if tonight is the last time I'll ever hold him while he sleeps?

Unconsciously, my arms tighten around him, and he stirs. I project calm and peace to him, willing him to go back to sleep. Not yet, Ben. I need time to think.

If it was over tomorrow, how would he remember me? Would he miss me at all, or would he just go back to doing whatever it was he did before I came along? I laugh at myself silently. I know better than that. I know that he loves me.

But does he know as well? Does he realise how much he has changed me? Looking at him now only drives home that I feel and experience now all that I never thought I'd feel or experience.

He was the first. The first true friend I had here. The first one who made me laugh so much my stomach hurt. The first I desired. The first I wanted. The first I loved.

I chuckle silently. Passion. Before I met him, it was just a word, the meaning of which I understood only academically. But now I feel it in my very bones every time he gives me one of his `looks' or heartwarming smiles, every time I touch his hand, every time I catch a glimpse of that exquisitely tempting patch of skin right under his collarbone.

My Master scorned the Code, especially when it said that there is no passion, only serenity. I have discovered that both are right. Of course there is passion. So much that at times I can hardly contain it, have to grab Ben, drag him off to somewhere we're alone and ravish him on the spot. It burns brightly between us.

But as precious and pleasurable as it is, if I had to choose a moment in our relationship I could live in, it would be this one. Just holding him while he sleeps, protecting him, cherishing his mere presence, just his heartbeat and mine. Serenity. Before I met him, I didn't understand how overwhelming love can be. How it takes you unaware, overrides common sense, thought and even the Force itself just to leave you naked and defenceless against it, powerless to stop it, but all the same stronger than ever just because of it.

I shake my head in wonder. I never knew I could feel like this.

Does he know? Did I ever tell him that I treasure every moment of our relationship, all the ups and downs and changes?

I treasured the first spike of desire a stranger aroused in me, I was eternally grateful when that stranger became my friend, and completely awed when I started to love that friend. And now.. now I can't really remember what life was like before. Before Ben.

Did I ever say the words? Does he know?

Suddenly I'm very anxious for him to wake up, and as if he heard me, if my thoughts were a signal to him, he does.

Opening his incredible eyes, he looks at me, his gaze warm and clouded with the remnants of sleep. He smiles at me lazily and shifts in my arms so that his head rests on my arm and he can easily see my eyes.

I look at him, and suddenly I can't imagine why I haven't said all this a long time ago. I pull him close and kiss him, deeply. He returns the kiss with enthusiasm, almost purring into my mouth with quiet contentment.

I pull back and trace the lines of his face with my fingertips, whispering, "Ben.."

He smiles. "Yes, Quiggs?" he whispers back.

The nickname, uttered in that irresistible mixture between a purr and a growl, makes a shiver run down my spine. A shiver that has nothing to do with cold or fear this time.

I take courage from his glowing eyes and plunge ahead, stumbling out my confession. "Ben, I wanted to tell you something. I'm not sure if I ever told you how much you mean to me. I'm so grateful for all that you taught me, your patience for me. I'm grateful for all the passion and love and caring you give to me on a daily basis. You're the closest friend I ever had and for that too I'm grateful. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I love you."

He kisses me tenderly, calming my trembling limbs with soft, soothing caresses. He pulls back and smiles his most glorious, glowing smile that radiates from his eyes. He leans forward, puts his cheek against mine and whispers, "I know."

Then he pulls back once more to look into my eyes and smooth the hair back from my forehead. "And I love you too."

It's my turn to smile now. "I know."

We lock eyes and both start to laugh, not so much out of real merriment, but because we love each other, and we know.

end