Fates - Lachesis

by Leandra and Raina

Archive: yes please, M_A; nuttersinc (nowhere else)

Pairing: Q/O

Category: AU, Romance, Drama, Angst

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: We don't own Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. However, Ben, Quiggs and Seda belong to us.

Feedback: always a treat. raina_at@yahoo.de , nuttersincorporated@hotmail.com

Summary: Fate catches up with Ben and Quiggs.

Warning: To Be Continued. That's all we're saying.

Spoilers: For previous installments of the Fates universe

Notes: The title refers to the ancient Greek goddesses of destiny, the three Fates. The second one, who weighs the thread of every human's life, is called Lachesis.

Series: Yes, Fates. Takes place about five years after "Fates-Clotho" and is the second part of the "Cornerstone Trilogy" of the Fates universe.

Fates timeline found here: http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/nuttersinc/fates_timeline.html

Thank you's: We both would like to thank Tem-ve, our altogether too good beta reader. Raina would like to thank Leandra for the patience and support. She'd also like to thank her local Kleenex provider for reasons that should be obvious by the end of this fic. Leandra would like to thank Raina for the even greater patience and being there for her whenever she needed her. She also thanks her roommate Phelia for putting up with one day of crying and sobbing and drying tears.

The two Padawans moved swiftly and silently through the Temple corridors. It was mid-morning, so the corridors were relatively busy, but nobody paid them any mind as they passed, not touching, not speaking, not even looking at each other, but moving with what seemed to be a common purpose.

They turned a corner and entered a lift that brought them to a relatively uninhabited area of the Temple. The doors opened, they went down a corridor, turned left and then right, before stopping in front of an unmarked door. The door was palmed open, and both stepped in.

As soon as the door swished closed behind them, Obi-Wan was turned and slammed against it, Qui-Gon's body plastered to his, hungry mouth all but devouring him, hands pinning his wrists to the door, thigh insinuating itself between his legs.

He gasped for breath when Qui-Gon's mouth left his to assault his neck. He wrapped a leg around Qui-Gon's and turned his head to give his lover better access to his neck.

"Is it just me or was this the worst mission ever?" he whispered, breathless.

Qui-Gon's mouth left his neck only to bear down on his mouth again. Shut up, Ben.

He chuckled into Qui-Gon's mouth and then proceeded to devour Qui-Gon just as he was being devoured by his lover, all the pent-up tension rising up and flowing out into the kiss, making him feel dizzy with more than mere lack of oxygen. Qui-Gon released his hands, and he wrapped his arms around his lover, holding, exploring, mapping the body pressed against his. Warm. Alive.

There had been times during that last mission when he'd been sure that both of them would die on that stinking mudhole they'd been sent to with Master Windu. When they'd arrived, the civil war they had been sent to prevent had already started, and so they'd done their best to help the millions of refugees, and in between that they'd smuggled the former government out of the heavily besieged capital city. For more than a month they'd been in constant danger of being shot or burned to death or killed by grenades or one of the countless mines the rebellious military had deployed to make travel more difficult. They'd been constantly hungry, tired, dirty and had to watch people suffer and die on a 24-hour basis.

Now they were back on Coruscant, alive, more or less healthy and finally alone, and Obi-Wan wanted nothing more than to bury himself in Qui-Gon's skin and live there for the rest of eternity.

Their exploring mouths and hands became more frantic, wanting as much of each other as possible, wanting to feel the other as intensely as possible, with hands, lips, tongue, wanting to get closer.

They sank to the floor, not bothering to cross the small room to the bed as clothing was shed and finally skin met skin.

The room was silent except for their shuddering breaths and the rushing of blood and heartbeat in Obi-Wan's ears. The late morning sun fell in and made their surroundings look cosy and warm, but all that faded to a hazy distance as Obi-Wan revelled in the feel of his lover's body beneath him, the heat of Qui-Gon's skin against his, the warmth, the life pulsing between them, heavily, the pulsing of sheer endless desire and love that ran through his whole body before it settled in his cock.

He wanted this warm life inside him, all around him, wanted to hold and never let go again. He wanted to feel that they were both alive and well, wanted to claim back his breath from Qui-Gon's lips. And he did.

Warm tongue, warm skin, warm hands on him, and warmest of all Qui- Gon's eyes on his, shining with an adoration that Obi-Wan returned wholeheartedly. And to think he'd almost lost all this, the warmth, the heat of desire, the unconditional love pulsating between them.

"Feel you, I need to feel you...,"Qui-Gon whispered into his ear.

He gasped, a sound that was almost a sob, and a tear escaped his eyes as Qui-Gon rolled them so that Obi-Wan was lying on his back, then sat up, straddling his thighs. He watched in fascinated abandonment as Qui-Gon called the lube to his hand and oiled Obi-Wan's aching shaft before positioning himself and slowly sliding down Obi-Wan's rigid member, impaling himself.

Obi-Wan gasped at the feeling of being surrounded by that tight heat. It had been so long, so long, and he knew he wouldn't last long, knew this would be over much too quickly. He was unable to move, other than curling his hand around his lover's shaft, unable to speak, he was overwhelmed by the heat around him, by the blue eyes staring into his, and then Qui-Gon moved, thrust, once, twice, three times and Obi- Wan shattered with a strangled sob.

He felt Qui-Gon collapse half on top of him, and when the larger man wanted to move, he held on with all his strength, whispering, "Don't let me go."

Qui-Gon raised his head to look at him, eyes full of that radiant love Obi-Wan never wanted to lose, and kissed him tenderly. "Never."

Qui-Gon rolled them again so that Obi-Wan was snuggled against his lover's chest, and for a while they drifted, listening to each other's breaths, a sound all the more precious because they both hadn't been sure they would ever enjoy a similar moment again.

As Obi-Wan lay pillowed on Qui-Gon's chest, it occurred to him how close he had been to never hearing that sound again, how indecently quickly death could steal either of them away, how utterly stupid it was to fear a tomorrow when not even today was a certainty. All they had was now.

Qui-Gon had often told him to live in the moment, but it only dawned on him now how fragile the life beating under his cheek was, how fast it could be ripped from him, how close he had been to losing Quiggs in one too many crossfires they'd gotten out of by sheer luck. His grip tightened on his lover's body.

He wasn't prepared to lose Qui-Gon, not now, not ever. How often had he dreaded a distant voice that told him their love was doomed, how often had he risked what they had by being afraid of an unfathomable future? No longer. He would be a slave to his fears no more. That would end right now.

He sat up and just looked at Qui-Gon's face. His incredible blue eyes were closed, he looked relaxed and happy and so unbelievably beautiful it took Obi-Wan's breath away. He had to touch, just had to, so he reached out and ran his fingertips over Qui-Gon's forehead, cheek, lips, his broken nose, his eyebrows, before settling in the other Padawan's hair. "Quiggs..."

The other man opened his eyes, gazing at him with relaxed fondness. "Yes?"

"Lifebond with me."

Qui-Gon sat up abruptly. "What?"

Obi-Wan sat up as well and took his lover's stunned face in his hands, looking at him intently. "Lifebond with me, Quiggs. Please."

Qui-Gon shook his head, confusion and hope warring for supremacy in his eyes. "Ah, not that I'm complaining or anything, but..."

"Why now?" Obi-Wan finished for Qui-Gon, who was obviously a bit at a loss for words. Qui-Gon just nodded.

"Quiggs, we almost died on that dreadful mission. Life's too bloody short to live in fear of the future all the time. I'm sick of just waiting for my life to happen to me. I'm sick of being afraid of my own heart."

"But...,"Qui-Gon started, but Obi-Wan stopped him with a finger over his lips.

"I know. I said we should wait, that we weren't ready, but that was over a year ago. I'm tired of waiting for something to tear us apart. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to be bound to you in every way a human being can be bound to another. My feelings for you are solid , nothing can or will ever change that, so what should we wait for? What-"

He didn't get any farther, for Qui-Gon leaned in and kissed him thoroughly, passionately. When they drew back, Qui-Gon smiled at him and ran a finger over his kiss-swollen lips. "Ben, shut up. You had me at `I love you'."

A huge smile of relief and joy spread over Obi-Wan's face. "Oh, Quiggs!"

He flung his arms around his soon-to-be bondmate and kissed him with joyful abandon. When they broke apart for breath, they both looked at each other and started to laugh at the utter mess they presented. Mussed hair, bodies sticky with sweat and semen, clothes strewn all over the floor of their secret hideaway, skin red from the carpet and the occasional love bite.

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow at his lover. "You know, I don't think much of etiquette in general, but I don't want to know how many rules you've just broken in the book of good manners by asking me to lifebond while we're both naked, post-coital and quite debauched."

Obi-Wan grinned. "Well, if you insist, we can shower, get dressed, and then I'll ask you again."

A brilliant smile lit Qui-Gon's face. "I think I'd like that."

"Well then, lover, let's get cleaned up."

With a last grin at Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan went into the fresher.

When Qui-Gon emerged from the shower, dressed only in his leggings, hair still wet and in disarray, Obi-Wan had lit several candles, arranged in a circle around him. He too had foregone putting on anything but his leggings, and when he turned to look at Qui-Gon, his heart almost stopped with quiet happiness and anticipation.

He beckoned Qui-Gon to come to him, and when the other Padawan stood before him, he took Qui-Gon's hand in his, turned it around and kissed the palm reverently.

"Qui-Gon Jinn, will you lifebond with me?" he asked.

"Yes." A whispered answer.

Without letting go of each other's hands, they sank to their knees, facing each other.

Lifebonding did not need any ceremony or anything else than the two Jedi and the Force, it was as personal as it was private. Bonding ceremonies were held for celebratory purposes only, but the lifebond itself was created by the two Jedi alone.

For a long time, they both just sat in meditation, preparing themselves for a joining they had both wanted for a long time. After this, nothing would ever separate them. They would be together, for better or worse, until death. There was no breaking this bond. It would bind them forever.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan looked at each other, unable to voice their thoughts or feelings, the moment stripping away anything between them, even the very air seemed to move back to a space around them as both simultaneously lowered their shields and reached out...

...and smashed into a solid, cold, steely barrier of sizzling Force energy that flung them to opposite ends of the room with the sheer force of impact.

Obi-Wan held his head in pain, hardly noticing the pain from the bruises on his body where he'd hit the wall. He couldn't focus on anything but the intense agony as he clutched his head between his hands to shut out the screaming, but it was no use, it came from the inside of his head and suddenly he was aware of wetness on his cheeks, and he didn't know if it was tears or blood.

He managed to get himself into a sitting-up position and leaned against the wall. He tried to open his eyes, but it took several tries until he could see through the pain.

"Quiggs...," he whispered, the name searing his throat. He looked for his lover and saw that he was lying on the floor, clutching his head like Obi-Wan was, whimpering in pain.

He tried to crawl closer to his lover, but the pain in his head increased to unmanageable levels the closer he got to Qui-Gon, so he let himself fall back into the wall. The pain lessened as the space between them increased. "Oh Sith. What happened?"

His only answer was a groan from the floor. He tried to access the Force to soothe his pain, but the Force in the room was disturbed, murky, angry almost, like the air after an explosion.

He looked up as Qui-Gon slowly managed to sit up and lean against the opposite wall. The distance between them seemed to be filled with a small Force- maelstrom, and Obi-Wan almost felt like shouting over the psychic noise. "What happened?"

Qui-Gon slowly shook his head, a pained grimace showing that he was in at least as much pain as Obi-Wan. "I don't know."

"Was it the lifebond?" Obi-Wan asked, his heart breaking of the answer to that question, an answer he already knew.

"I think so," Qui-Gon said, and Obi-Wan could see the despair his lover tried to wrestle down.

"So what do we do now?"

Before Qui-Gon could answer, a white-hot bolt of pain shot through his head as twelve voices speaking as one sounded in his head. Padawan Jinn, Padawan Kenobi, your presence is expected before the Council. It was the traditional official Council summons, spoken in the neutral, impersonal tones of the Council as an entity, but to Obi-Wan's oversensitive senses, it felt like a singeing scream in his head.

Obi-Wan tried to hold in his growing despair as he rose and collected his clothing and dressed, watching with anguish as Qui-Gon did the same. By unspoken accord, they stayed as far away from each other as possible in the small room. Closeness only increased the pain.

When they left the room, their arms brushed and Obi-Wan had to stifle a sob. Only a few minutes before, he couldn't have got close enough to Quiggs, and now a mere brush of arms hurt as if someone was trying to rip his heart out.

Hadn't he been ecstatically happy only minutes ago? How had his life gotten so much worse so quickly?

The impersonal waiting room outside the Council chamber seemed cold and unfriendly, the subdued colours adding to the coldness Obi-Wan felt inside his heart. He was trembling, not only from the aftershocks of pain, but from the dread that had captured him, body and soul. The seat of the stool he was sitting on felt icy under his buttocks and he shifted, rubbing his hands together to warm them up a bit. He couldn't bring himself to look at Qui-Gon, although he knew his lover was sitting where he had slid down the wall on the other side of the room after they entered, carefully keeping a distance between them. Getting a few inches into Qui-Gon's personal space shot sparks of pain up his spine and a mere touch made him almost scream with pain. He still could feel Qui-Gon's presence in the back of his mind, knew without looking that the other Padawan had his knees drawn up to his chest and his head rested on his thighs, but the usual comforting presence of his lover was now that of an unwelcome intruder. He had never thought that the day would come where he wished for Qui-Gon's presence in his mind to go away, but the painful echo of what had been their lovers' bond only hours ago only reminded him of what had been so approachable but was now closed off. He didn't know how long this would last, he could only hope is was temporary and not permanent. The distant drumming of the broken bond gave him a headache and he started to rub his temple, feverish in comparison to the coldness he felt seeping through every part of his body.

He cast a glance at Qui-Gon, who instantly raised his head as if he had felt his gaze upon him, and probably he had. He could see the reflection of his own despair in Qui-Gon's eyes. For a long moment, they didn't say anything, but everything he felt or wanted to communicate was there, in Qui-Gon's face.

Finally he found the strength to say something, and he was surprised at how steady his voice sounded, when all he wanted was break down crying like a five-year old.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested..."

"I'm not," Qui-Gon interrupted him and gave him a weak smile. "At least we tried. It was the best thing we ever did."

Obi-Wan sighed and shook his head. "If we hadn't tried to lifebond, all this would not have happened. We shouldn't have tried to cheat on our destiny."

"You'd rather live with the knowledge that we could have bonded for life, but never tried only because we were afraid of the consequences?"

Obi-Wan shook his head again. "No. I don't know what I..." He broke off, staring at the floor numbly.

He heard the rustling of tunics and winced as Qui-Gon took a step towards him.

"The Force inhibition is getting stronger," Qui-Gon remarked calmly.

Miserably, Obi-Wan nodded. He had no idea what to say. Everything he had ever feared had come crashing down on them at once. "Yoda was right. Those prophecies... the future visions he saw..." He trailed off again, still not able to put together a complete sentence.

"Obi-Wan..."

Obi-Wan forced himself to look up at Qui-Gon, who crouched several feet away from him. The dull ache in his skull increased in intensity.

"I'm not sorry. I'm not. You acted against your fear, against your firm belief that we weren't destined for each other, because you believed in us. The knowledge that you love me so much is worth everything."

Softly spoken, calmly. Obi-Wan swallowed the lump forming in his throat and extended a hand towards Qui-Gon, but pulled it back when he saw his lover flinch unconsciously.

"Even this? Is it even worth being separated and aching?" he asked, the lump he had felt earlier hindering his ability to speak with a steady voice.

Qui-Gon was quiet for a long time, smiling at him warmly. "There is one thing all this can't change, something the Council can't change, Yoda can't, something not even the Force can change, even if it's trying to. Nothing can change my feelings for you."

It was Obi-Wan's turn to smile, a smile that was overshadowed by his despair nonetheless. "You're right. But...," he looked down at his trembling fingers, then gazed back at Qui-Gon, "...I just wish I could reach out and touch you. With my hands. With my mind. But it hurts."

"I know."

"I don't know what is going to happen in there," Obi-Wan said and pointed at the closed chamber doors. "I just have the feeling it won't be good."

"Believe me, Ben, whatever happens behind those doors, they can't rip you out of my heart."

"And what if..."

"...all we have is memories?" Qui-Gon asked, looking sympathetically.

Obi-Wan nodded, wishing he owned an ounce of the calm that radiated from Qui-Gon. He had never dealt well with emotional situations, unlike Qui-Gon who was rational and composed even in the most forlorn of situations.

"Then I will cherish those memories of you, because nobody can take away the memory of your smile, your taste, your eccentric behaviour, the way you make me laugh... There are so many memories of you in my head and they can't have them."

Qui-Gon gave him a crooked smile that faded when he saw Obi-Wan frowning.

"You're taking this much to lightly. Maybe we should never have started this in the first place," Obi-Wan mused, not daring to look at Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon's outburst of temper came as expected. "You don't mean that! And miss all we had? Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'd rather spend 5 minutes of my life with you knowing we can't last than 50 years with someone else."

Obi-Wan watched Qui-Gon pace the length of the waiting room, instantly feeling sorry for what he had said.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I wouldn't want to miss it either," he said sadly, relieved when Qui-Gon stopped his pacing and turned around to him, a hint of something dangerous in his eyes Obi- Wan had never seen before.

"I won't let them take you from my mind, if that is the last thing I'll have. And if I have to travel to the Outer Rim and back, I will do everything to..."

"Quiggs," Obi-Wan interrupted his fuming lover softly, smiling a bit when the angry lines on Qui-Gon's face smoothed at the sound of his voice.

"I still stand by my vow. Maybe we didn't manage to lifebond the traditional way, but I'm yours, lifebond or not. Can you live with that?"

Slowly, Qui-Gon crouched down in front of him, still holding a safe distance. "Are you proposing a wild marriage, Obi-Wan Kenobi?" A glint of mischief was sparkling in his eyes and Obi-Wan couldn't help but smile back.

"Weren't we already living in one?"

"It will get better. I don't think this thing is permanent. I promise you we'll be back together the way it's supposed to be, and if it takes years or a lifetime, I don't mind as long as you are there waiting for me."

Obi-Wan shooed the nagging of doubt into the back of his mind, wanting to believe what Qui-Gon had said, so he nodded. "I promise."

Suddenly, the door to the Council chamber opened and a voice called his name. He sighed, then slowly stood up, resigning himself to his fate.

"I have to go in there."

Qui-Gon nodded. "Yes. Remember. I won't give you up, it takes more than this."

Obi-Wan couldn't help it, he forced himself to take step after step towards his lover, even though the inhibition seemed to have grown over the last hour and with every inch he approached Qui-Gon it felt like somebody stuck heated needles into his skin all over his body. Qui-Gon didn't flinch away, despite the pain that showed on his face. The pain was so strong, but the wish to touch Qui-Gon was stronger. The feeling he might never be able to do so again sunk into his mind and made him take the last step forward, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Qui-Gon's lips.

It burned, oh Force, it burned like somebody had set him on fire inside out. His head throbbed so hard he thought his skull would explode any moment. With a hitched sob, he drew back and carefully stepped away, noticing the warm smile on Qui-Gon's face.

No more words crossed between them when Obi-Wan turned around and stepped through the big two-winged doors into the Council chamber.

Oh Force, that had hurt. Obi-Wan's lips to his had felt as if someone was trying to rip the skin off his body, but he would have let them rip his entrails out just to wipe that look from Obi-Wan's face, that quiet despair, and if touching him helped, then he'd gladly take the pain.

The Council Chamber doors closed behind Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon sank to the floor again and sighed.

Why was this happening to them? Only this morning he'd been deliriously happy. Obi-Wan had asked him to lifebond, finally. He'd hardly believed his ears, but Obi-Wan had convinced him that he was serious, that they were ready, and in truth, it hadn't taken all that much convincing. He'd wanted this for years. But now that he'd finally been given what he'd desired for such a long time, the Force had thrown them apart.

He didn't know what had happened the moment they'd tried to lifebond, but it had to be reversible, had to be temporary, or maybe they could find a way to work around it. He would not give up on them. He would not.

Still, the nagging voice of doubt in his own heart was hard to silence. The voice that said that maybe Obi-Wan was right, maybe Yoda had been right all along, maybe it had been a mistake to risk his heart so totally for someone with whom he could have no future.

No. He'd never regret that. Never. He was still unreservedly glad he'd given his heart to Obi-Wan, and he'd do it again and again if he had the choice.

But it hurt so much now. Where his lover's presence had once been in his mind, there was now only an emptiness that hurt with every touch of his thoughts against it. Broken bond. He remembered all to well what a broken bond felt like. After Master Rob's death he'd felt just like this.

He looked at the doors to the Council chambers, ashamed of his body's secret relief that the door was between them so he was free from the pain that being in the same room as Obi-Wan had inflicted on him. Still, he could live with the pain if he knew it was the only way to still be with Obi-Wan. He only hated it that Obi-Wan felt the same pain. He'd always hated to see his lover in pain or afraid. Well, he'd seen enough of that today to last him for the rest of his lifetime.

He had to collect himself somewhat for his confrontation with the Council. He had to find his calm if he wanted to deal with the Council in a rational manner. He wasn't good with them in normal situations, and he had a feeling he would be even less so now. Still, he had to try, for Ben's sake alone. So he took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind, but the Force wouldn't come to him like it used to, it seemed distant to him, almost out of reach, and when it did respond to his call, it was cold and almost smelled of anger.

He sighed and let go of the Force. It was no use. He would have to face the Council alone. As if his thoughts had been the cue, the heavy doors to the Chamber opened and an equally heavy voice called, "Qui-Gon Jinn."

He hadn't seen Obi-Wan come out. What had they done with him? Well, there was only one way to find out. Qui-Gon took a deep breath and entered the Chamber.

Twelve Masters' eyes focused on him, their expression ranging from sad to grave to outright angry. He could feel the tension in the room and suppressed a smile. Obi-Wan had apparently given them a nut to crack.

He focused on Masters Yoda and Windu, for they seemed the most sympathetic to his cause, even though Master Windu looked at him with a very sad expression. Over their training bond, he sent a wordless wave of regret. He'd never meant to deceive the man, he'd only followed his heart.

Yoda sighed and opened the session. "Padawan Jinn, gathered we have to discuss your transgressions against the Force."

Qui-Gon straightened. "With all due respect, Master, I see no transgressions."

"Your actions were a clear violation of the will of the Force, do you not agree with that, Padawan?" Windu asked, his voice oddly pleading. Obviously he hoped for Qui-Gon to acquiesce quietly and not to make the situation worse for himself. But Qui-Gon had never been the type for quiet acquiescence.

"Master, I do not presume to know the will of the Force. I only knew the will of my own heart."

"Oh, this is ridiculous," Mundi scoffed. "Were you or were you not warned that your fate lies with another over four years ago by Master Yoda himself?"

Qui-Gon didn't flinch, though it took all his years of training. "Yes, we were, but I didn't at the time see any reason to let my life be dictated by a vague prophecy, even if it was made by Master Yoda."

"But you do see reason now, Padawan Jinn?" Adi Gallia joined the discussion, her voice vaguely hopeful.

"No, Master. I do not now or have ever seen the reason in following vague predictions instead of my own heart."

"Do you presume, Padawan, to put the decisions and priorities of your own heart over the will of the Force?" Mundi asked, outraged.

"If the will of the Force is so completely against everything my heart tells me is right, what am I supposed to do? Ignore my own judgement? Follow the Force like a passionless automaton?" Qui-Gon matched Mundi's tone and glare, getting angry in spite of himself.

"Enough of your arrogance, Padawan. You have erred in judgement by not following the guidance of your elders and now you pay the price for your lack of vision." Plo Koon interrupted his heated staring contest with Master Mundi.

"I refuse to see my relationship with Padawan Kenobi as a mistake. I treasure every moment of it, and do not regret any of my past decisions." Qui-Gon was holding on to his temper by the skin of his nails.

Mundi glared at him. "Defiant and obstinate. Just like your old Master. Unable to see his mistakes for what they are, even if the Force speaks clearly to him."

Qui-Gon snapped. "At least Master Bur was a man of flesh and blood who gave me room to make my own decisions instead of wanting to turn me into a fucking droid, only following what he perceived as the will of the Force."

"That's what we Jedi do, Padawan Jinn. We follow the will of the Force." Mundi was clearly at the end of his patience as well.

"Then maybe I don't want to be a Jedi anymore!" Qui-Gon yelled.

The shocked silence that followed was enough for Qui-Gon to absorb the enormity of what he'd just said. But when he looked into his mind, he knew it hadn't been an empty threat but the truth. He also felt that this wasn't just about the Order and whatever penalties they'd thought about, it went deeper than that, to his own very personal connection to the Force.

After a tense and very ominous pause, Master Windu spoke, softly, "Qui-Gon, do not speak such words lightly. We know you are angry..."

Qui-Gon stopped him with a raised hand and met his Master's pleading eyes with a steady gaze, all his anger held at bay by the pure fondness he felt for this man, a man he had hurt with his secrecy. "Please, Master, let me speak. I spoke in anger, yes, but I feel what I said nevertheless to be true. I am not a mindless machine. I must be free to make my own choices, at least to some extent. How can I still trust the Force if it doesn't let me be happy? How can I give my life over to it when it denies me the one thing my heart ever truly wanted? Master, I am so grateful to you for all that you've done for me, all that you've taught me, but you must see that our paths lie down different roads now."

Windu swallowed and his eyes turned sad, resigned. Go then, Padawan, and with my blessing.

Thank you, Master. I am deeply sorry for any pain I have caused you. It was never my will to deceive you. I will always think of you with love in my heart.

Slowly, as if moving through liquid, he moved his hand to his side to where his lightsabre had hung since the day he'd constructed it half his life ago. He drew it and turned it to its lowest setting. Then he switched it on and the green blade sprung to life with a hiss. He moved his hand to his Padawan braid and held it out.

Mesmerised and in complete silence, the Council watched him as he severed the symbol of his place in the Order, his place as Jedi. The smell of burnt hair flooded his nostrils, but Qui-Gon was almost in trance now, so he noticed it only dimly. In his mind, he slowly and with care took a step back from the light of the training bond he shared with Master Windu and felt his Master do the same. He felt the bond fade and mute, settle into the Force with a whisper of a sigh.

He stood in front of the Council, Padawan braid in hand, and looked around at every one of them. In most faces, he read shock, in some, grim satisfaction. At last, he met Yoda's eyes and saw a sadness there that matched his own, and suddenly, he felt only sympathy and something like kinship with the ancient Jedi Master who had made his life so difficult with a prediction he only now began to believe. He nodded silently and Yoda returned the gesture with respect.

Finally, Qui-Gon switched off his sabre, went down to one knee and deposited the weapon on the ground together with his Padawan braid. "I am no longer a Jedi."

The silence in the room was absolute as Qui-Gon turned on his heels and walked out, not looking back once. He didn't even flinch when the doors to the Council Chamber fell shut with a loud thud. The doors on this part of his life had just closed for good.

Meditation wouldn't come to him. He had sat on the mattress for over half an hour, but all he had managed so far was to stare numbly at his own feet. He probably should feel something, despair, hurt, anger, sadness, but he didn't. It was like every emotion was shut from his mind and nothing managed to break through. Maybe he was still in shock, Obi-Wan mused. Or maybe he still didn't believe what the Council had told him. He had expected this conversation for years now, but nothing could have prepared him for the reality of the situation. He had stood in front of the Council, facing Yoda and Master Windu, listening to their explanations as well as their expectations towards him.

He was expected to break up his relationship with Qui-Gon and one of them, not clear yet who, was to be sent to another temple to conclude his Jedi education. The seriousness of the situation had finally come out. Master Yoda and Master Windu both had been very sympathetic, but neither of them had spared him the remark that he had not only willingly acted against an official order of the Council but had also deliberately disregarded the will of the Force.

He knew all that, but he also knew that he had done the right thing. He would not have been able to act differently. He wondered how Qui- Gon would experience the Council summons, how he would cope. Saying he had a bad feeling about Qui-Gon's reaction was an understatement. Although Obi-Wan knew what was about to happen to them now, the reality didn't really sink in. We'll be separated, he thought, but it made no sense to him. I won't see him for a long time, maybe never again. It still didn't ring true.

It was impossible to imagine not having Qui-Gon in his life. The other Padawan had been part of his life at the Temple for so long that he couldn't remember a time where he had not known Qui-Gon. Even more so, Qui-Gon had always been on his mind. Every thought he had had had been laced with his awareness of Qui-Gon. Taking this away from him felt like somebody dislodged a part of his brain. How could he shut him out, when all he ever thought of was Qui-Gon?

He just couldn't imagine living without him. His whole existence suddenly felt so devoid of every light, of every happiness. What was worse, he didn't know how to fight it. He had thought briefly about abandoning his training so he was out of the Council's control, but he knew he never would be able to go through with it. He was foremost a Jedi, made to serve the Force.

The whole episode had also implanted a deep religious confusion in him. He was a servant of the Force, and until now he had never doubted that it would guide him, that it would lead him onto the right path and show him what was best for him. How could losing the person he loved most in his life be good for him when it hurt so much? Maybe that was the reason why he couldn't commune with the Force, why meditation felt like something he had never done before? Was is even prudent to be a Jedi, when one's trust into the Force had been crushed?

Obi-Wan chased those heretic thoughts from his mind, once more aiming to settle into meditation, but failing again. He thought about his own numb reaction when Master Yoda had told him what he had been accused of and which consequences his disobedience would have for Qui-Gon and himself. He hadn't been able to protest, knowing Master Yoda was right. He had just stood there, staring past his Master out the window at the Coruscant skyline, wishing the situation wasn't so surreal, wishing he just could wake up in his own bed with Qui-Gon's arms wrapped around him securely.

He longed for Qui-Gon to be here with him, meditating with him, but he had enough rational thought left to know that this would not happen. Carefully he reached out to the place in his mind where the lovers' bond had been, and flinched away from the raw mass of loose Force threads he found in its place. It hurt even thinking about accessing the former connection and he clutched his head in his hand, wanting to squash the pain. He knew he was up for a trip to the Healers and he dreaded the knowledge that they would dislodge the remains of the one thing that still bound him to Qui-Gon.

Memories, memories. He still had the memories. Wasn't that what Qui- Gon had said? Thinking about it suddenly triggered a delayed reaction and a wave of emotional pain hit him forcefully. He slumped forward on the mattress, hiding his face in his hands, trying to keep childish tears of rage and despair from spilling from his eyes. He was a Jedi, he wouldn't give in to crying.

It took all his will and some deep, shuddering breaths to compose himself so far that he was able to settle into a light state of meditation. Shutting out the pain, he concentrated on the Force, reaching out for it and drawing it in, letting its soft, soothing warmth wash over and through him. The Force wasn't his enemy. It was only the channel for his fate. If he liked to blame somebody other than his own pride, he should blame it on the Fates.

When he found his steady centre, he re-invited the pain in, one hurtful thought after the next, as Master Yoda had told him to do. The methodical elimination of his pain calmed him, as it always did and made him see beyond the whirlwind that was his mind. He could do it. He could live with it. If he liked it or not was not his to decide.

Qui-Gon was numb as he walked through the Temple, unseeing, unheeding the other Jedi who passed him and gave him strange looks. He didn't even hear it when he was greeted by a friend. He didn't have the attention to spare. He only wanted to get to his quarters.

Finally, after what seemed an unreasonably long walk, he reached his destination. The door swished shut behind him and he stood in the living room of the space he'd shared with Master Windu for the last five years. No, don't stop to think, Qui-Gon, just keep moving, he told himself.

He moved right past the living room into his room, went straight to his closet and pulled out his pack and the bag he'd used to transport his things when he'd moved here from Corellia. He started to pack, without system or plan, he just threw all he could reach into the two bags. Keep moving. Keep doing something. He just couldn't allow himself to think.

He steadily emptied his closet, packed his clothes, his spare pair of boots, his few ration packs, not even giving any thought to what he was doing. His mind had gone into automatic mode.

When his closet was empty, he started with the chest next to his desk. Books, data pads, study material, he packed all of it without taking a second look. He only concentrated on the movement. Take the item, put it in the bag, turn and go back to the chest, take another item, repeat.

Only when he opened the drawer of his bedside table and his hand touched a smooth, round, familiar surface did he stop.

Qui-Gon swallowed and closed his eyes. He could almost feel the river stone in his hand glow, could almost feel the palm against his as they held the stone between them. Could almost feel the radiance of that moment, all the love, the warmth, the hope. He clenched his hand around the stone, whirled around and punched the wall with an enraged grunt.

"It's not the wall's fault."

Qui-Gon turned to see Seda leaning in the doorframe. She looked at him soberly, not a trace of teasing in her eyes.

He tore his eyes away from her steady gaze so full of compassion and glared at the wall. Then he punched it again for good measure.

"You'll hurt yourself," Seda said, quietly.

Qui-Gon snorted. "Hurt myself. Funny."

She only sighed.

"What do you want, Seda? I'm kind of busy." He shouldn't be so unfriendly to her, he knew, but he couldn't deal with her now, her kindness, her compassion.

"I can see that. My Master wanted me to check on you. She told me what happened. Qui-Gon, I'm so sorry."

She moved closer to touch him, but he flinched away. "Thanks," he ground out between clenched teeth. "Ok, you've checked on me and I'm fine. Now would you please go so I can continue packing?" He pushed past her into the common room to gather up the few of his belongings he kept there.

Seda followed him out. "You're not fine. You're anything but fine, and I'm sure as all Sith hells not going to leave you alone like this." Once again, she tried to touch his shoulder, but he moved away.

"I told you, I'm busy." Qui-Gon moved back to his room and packed the gathered items into the larger of the bags. They were getting full. What would he do with the rest of his stuff?

A squeak from the corner of the room made him turn. And what would he do with Squicky? He stopped in his tracks and stared at his pet. Where would he go, anyway? And what would he do?

The enormity of what had transpired over the last few hours lurked just outside his thoughts, ready to pounce on him the first opportunity it got.

Qui-Gon turned and walked back to the desk. He couldn't think about it now, just had to keep moving. He stood by the desk and dug his palms into the edges. Think about packing, Qui-Gon. Packing.

A hand touched his arm, and he flinched, ducked away from the touch, but then his arm was grabbed and he was turned around, face to face with Seda, who just stood there, holding his arm, looking at him with so much fucking compassion and patience, just waiting.

And he gave in, fell into that compassion and warmth, and suddenly he felt himself kneeling on the floor, cradled against a warm body and he cried like he hadn't cried since his Master died.

His home, his life, everything he knew and loved, over. He was homeless and friendless, an outcast once more, nowhere to go and nothing to do, and it was his own damned fault, no, not his, the Force's damned fault, taking away everything he held dear, first Master Rob, now his whole fucking family and Ben.

Ben. Obi-Wan. All he'd ever wanted. Why couldn't he have this, what had he done, why did the Force not want him to be happy? He'd served the Light his whole damned life and it had taken everything from him.

He screamed out his rage to the Force. Why? Why wasn't he allowed to have and keep this person in his life, this one person who had come to be the centre of his universe, the axis his heart spun around?

For the first time in his life, Qui-Gon was really, truly, deeply angry. The fire and force of his anger spun around him, drowning out the pain and the fear, and for a moment it beckoned him, and he felt the Darkness lurking in the shadows of this anger, but then his palm dug into the River Stone again and he remembered Obi-Wan's glowing smile and eyes full of love and he finally let go of the anger and let the certainty in. It was over.

Over. He had to leave Obi-Wan, leave his friends and his home, yes, but he would always carry the memories in his heart. He would always have it inside of him, that glowing love they had shared, even if it was only a memory. No matter where he was going now, he would keep Obi-Wan in his heart forever.

No matter what fate had planned for him, he would keep this. He would not betray his love or his heart. Not to the darkness, and not to the light. And certainly not to fate.

His tears finally stopped. His throat felt raw, he guessed he must have screamed some of his curses against fate out loud.

The arms around him had never loosened their iron grip, and for a moment he allowed himself to be wistful that they weren't Obi-Wan's arms around him, that he couldn't have even one hug now.

But he pulled himself together and drew back to look at Seda. She gazed at him tenderly and wiped the tears from his face with the sleeve of her tunic. "A bit better now?"

He nodded and hugged her tightly to him. "Thank you," he whispered.

Seda only said, "Shhh," and ran a soothing hand through his hair.

For a long time, they sat on the floor, embracing in wordless comfort. Finally, Qui-Gon drew back, cleaning his own face and nose of his new tears. He sighed deeply. "Oh, Seda, what am I to do now..."

She smoothed back the hair from his forehead and whispered, "I don't know."

"I have to leave. I quit the Order, Seda. I did it. I just stood before them and cut off my Padawan braid. But I can't just leave him. I can't. He needs me. And I need him. How am I supposed to live without him?" It all came out in a whispered litany.

Seda sighed. "I don't know, Qui-Gon. I wish I did. I wish there was something I could do to help you."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "Just promise me you'll keep an eye on him until I can come back."

Seda smiled through the tears that had started to run down her cheeks. "I'll try."

They had told him where to find Obi-Wan. So he'd made his way down to the Council's private meditation rooms. He knew these rooms well. He'd often meditated here with his Master. He'd often meditated here with Obi-Wan. Among other things.

He was too numb for that thought to cause anything but a vague hurt. He hadn't come here for that. Unfortunately. He'd come here to say goodbye.

His bags were packed, his transport was leaving in one hour. He'd already said goodbye to Seda and Master Windu, who had given him his blessing and a few credits to live by, enough for a few days of food and bedding.

He'd saved the most difficult goodbye for last. He knew that Obi-Wan would in all likelihood not send him off in peace like Seda and Windu, no, Obi-Wan would rage and beg and tell him he loved him and needed him and all sorts of things Qui-Gon loved to hear but was afraid of right now.

He reached the room where they'd told him Obi-Wan was meditating. It was one of the smaller rooms and it had a window in the door, making it possible to see if the room was occupied.

Qui-Gon could see him clearly, sitting with his back to the door, kneeling there all serene and beautiful even if Qui-Gon couldn't see his face.

Force, he missed him already. He wasn't even outside the door yet, and if he took one look at these luminous eyes and that wonderful smile, he'd never go anywhere, he'd stay and torture them both with a continued proximity when even being in the same room hurt so much he wanted to scream.

He couldn't. He just couldn't go in there and break that beautiful creature's heart more than he had already done, and as much as he knew that Obi-Wan would hate him for this, for just leaving without saying goodbye, he knew that if he faced Ben now, he'd never find the strength to leave.

Qui-Gon looked at the lines of his lover's back, curves he had traced very often with his fingers and palms, skin he'd felt quiver under his touch. He pressed his forehead and both his palms against the glass, wanting and needing to touch, but he knew he would not, would perhaps never again feel this.

No. He couldn't allow himself to think like that. He would be back, he would have this again, and he would keep his promise.

He stepped away from the glass until only his palm rested on it.

"I love you." Fervent whisper, vow as much as simple truth.

He pried his fingers away from the cool surface, turned around and left without looking back.

Slowly, Obi-Wan resurfaced from his meditation. Something had infiltrated his meditative state, the awareness of Qui-Gon in his vicinity. He looked towards the door of the meditation chamber, but saw nobody outside. Shaking his head, he stood up, wincing a bit when his muscles protested. The mess in his head was still there, but he felt slightly better. Nothing seemed that hopeless anymore.

He had to find Qui-Gon and talk to him. He desperately wanted to know what the Council had told him and maybe together they could sort out what to do next, even if he himself didn't see any options left, maybe Qui-Gon had an idea how to deal with this mess. When he stepped out of the meditation chamber, he felt a sudden stitch of pain. Qui- Gon. Qui-Gon had been here! Obi-Wan was suddenly frantic to find Qui- Gon. A horrible sense of dread settled over him again and he rushed down the hall, wishing he still had a connection to his lover, so he could follow him like a bloodhound followed a trail.

Master Lilia's Padawan crossed his way and he stopped the young man, who took in his dishevelled state with a curious look.

"Have you seen Padawan Jinn?"

The boy shook his head, adding a "I'm sorry", but Obi-Wan had already rounded the corner. He searched the empty Padawan lounge, the corridor that led to the Council chamber, the waiting room, even the mess hall. Finally he stopped and took some deep breaths. He knew he was headless. Simply running around the Temple would get him nowhere and he forced himself to think rationally. He thought about looking in Qui-Gon's quarters. He could have hit himself over the head. Why hadn't he thought about them first?

Sighing deeply, he entered the elevator that would bring him up to the 7th level. The elevator wasn't fast enough, and impatiently he paced the tiny space, thousand thoughts running through his mind, all of them unpleasant. Why hadn't Qui-Gon entered the meditation room? Why hadn't he at least knocked and alerted him to his presence?

He finally made it to the part of the Temple where Master Windu's quarters where. Knocking a serving droid aside who carried a package of fresh laundry, he entered Windu's quarters, glad that he possessed access to them.

"Qui-Gon? Quiggs?"

Nobody answered him. A look at the half-open door to Qui-Gon's room made his heart stop. Obi-Wan closed his eyes, hoping that if he opened them again Qui-Gon would lean in the doorframe, smiling at him, inviting him in, but when he did, the door was still slightly ajar and Qui-Gon was nowhere to be seen.

"Qui-Gon?"

Still nobody answered him. Hesitantly, he took a step towards the door, then pushed it slowly open. The sight that greeted him ripped a sob from his throat. The room was void of anything Qui-Gon had kept here. The shelf was empty, the closet standing ajar, empty as well. The few personal possessions Qui-Gon had collected over the years were missing. Trembling, Obi-Wan stepped into the room and looked around. Qui-Gon's Force presence was still lingering in the air like a forgotten scent of something that was long gone, inflicting a brief sting of pain on him.

A data pad lay on the desk where Qui-Gon used to sit and do his homework assignments. Obi-Wan's mouth suddenly went completely dry and he swallowed nervously, the significance of the pad clear to him even before he picked it up and activated it. Just when he reached for the on button he noticed the small stone placed next to it, as if Qui-Gon had put it there deliberately for him to find. His breath caught in his throat and he had to grip the edge of the desk to steady himself. It was the river stone Qui-Gon had received from Master Bur on his last birthday they had celebrated together. Qui-Gon would never go anywhere without it, claiming it held a cherished memory and then, after they had promised to lifebond over it, it held another cherished memory, the one of their promise to love each other forever.

Obi-Wan swallowed thickly, then picked up the stone which felt cool and smooth in his palm. Suddenly he didn't want to read the data pad anymore. Everything he wanted to know had been said with this little gesture. Trying to will down his trembling he sat down on the stool in front of the desk and pulled the data pad towards him. He had trouble reading and finally allowed himself to see that his vision was clouded by tears. Sniffling, he reached up and brushed them away, finally able to focus on the letters.

Dear Ben,

I know I promised to never leave you and my leaving does not mean that I broke my promise. I hope you'll understand that leaving the Order was the only thing I could do in this situation. My trust in the Force has been crushed and my belief in the rightness of the Order's decisions has decreased to almost nonexistent.

I don't know when we'll meet again and when I can meet the promise I gave to you. I have every intention to do so some day. I left you the river stone as a symbol of that promise. I know it's probably not fair to leave you like this, without even saying goodbye, but I know you'd hold me back, prevent me from leaving. I can't allow this. I didn't want you to see me leaving, I didn't want to watch you see me leaving. Promise me you won't give up on me, Ben.

I never thought saying goodbye to you would be this hard. I wish I could turn back time and make it all right, but it's not in my power and if I knew somebody who... but I don't.

I will return. I promise. I don't know how, I don't know when. At the moment I have no idea how to overcome the obstacles in our way, but I know there has to be a possibility, a chance for us to be together. I'll promise to find out, you have to believe me. And then I'll come back, I'm going to find you and make it right, I swear.

I wish I didn't have to go, but I see no other possibility. Know that I love you, probably more than you'll ever know. I'll return.

Love,
Qui-Gon

The last words blurred in front of his eyes and instinctively he reached up again to wipe the wetness from his face. Pushing the stool back, he stood up, shaking, the emotion that he had tried to subdue during meditation pressing to the surface with raw power.

"Fuck you, Qui-Gon!" he cursed, dropping the pad, not minding when it hit the floor with a loud crack, indicating it was broken beyond repair.

"Fuck you and your wish to make everything right for everyone! Fuck you and your promises."

Before his rage lead him to destroy more things in Qui-Gon's room, he grabbed the river stone and fled, not exactly knowing where he was going to, with the sole purpose of finding Qui-Gon and beating some sense into him. On his way out he collided with Seda, who jumped back cursing softly, steadying herself on the nearest wall.

"Where is he?" Obi-Wan hissed, knowing he had to look like a maniac, probably a mad gleam in his eyes. Unconsciously, he noted Squicky clawing his little paws into Seda's shoulder and he swallowed, knowing this meant that Qui-Gon was gone for good. The sudden certainty of his leaving crashed down on him and all his anger dissipated into thin air.

"Oh Obi-Wan...," Seda murmured, reaching out to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, a sympathetic look full of compassion on her face.

He shrugged her arm off, hating her compassion, hating her sympathy. "Where...is...he?" he asked again, accentuating each word forcefully.

"On the platform," Seda finally said, biting her lips.

He brushed past her, dismissing her with a wave of his hand, not even turning around when she called out to him one last time.

The way to the platform was longer than he remembered, even though he ran as fast as he could. Not caring that he knocked over several Padawans and even one Master on his way, he finally arrived in the open waiting hall. It was empty, nobody was to be seen. He rushed past a security control, not caring that the man on duty shouted curses after him, and stepped out into the open.

There was only one transport � it had finished boarding and with a certainty that bordered on prophecy he knew that Qui-Gon was on board. He could do nothing but stand here, watching the transport slowly take off, the engines howling and sobbing, matching the sound of his own, hitched breathing. If he had thought that his day could not get any worse than it had been, he had clearly been mistaken.

He was still watching when the silver star ship was only a faint smudge in the sky, vanishing among the smoggy clouds of Coruscant.

To Be Continued