Fart Fans Kick the Force Squarely in the Bum!

by Aayla Security

Title - Fart Fans Kick the Force Squarely in the Bum!
Author - Aayla Security (z200122@yahoo.com, http://asecurity.blogspot.com/)
Archive - Freeee...if you ask
Category - Humor, Parody
Rating - PG-13
Warnings - Language might be overly familiar or disturbing; unbetaed
Spoilers - NONE
Summary - First appearing on the front page of the vulgar, gibberish-filled Jedi student newspaper Use the Fart, this story promotes torturing the Force - in one way or another.

Feedback - You know, it takes like three seconds to cast sun shine onto my life.

Disclaimer - Only George could invent a notion almost as bad as God. Okay, not only him, but I definitely didn't do it.

Author's Note - Contrary to what you might think, this article actually has a serious point...What? Can't see it? Uh, well, it's actually poking fun at the writing style of (my) college student satirical newspapers...Still can't see it? Then please pretend that you are just looking at a humorously badly-written article and have fun laughing at the author.

JEDI TEMPLE, Coruscant - The Fart is thrilled to report that, while thousands of pathetic, worker-ant-level Jedi students are cramming their way through finals and tragedies that seem to fall upon them for no apparent reason, the Jedi High Council has found the ultimate source of misery and the way to viciously obliterate it, thus opening the possibility of a brand new golden age for the Jedi.

"We are fully realizing that one of the leading causes of today's many misfortunes is the Force," Council Member Mace Windu announced enthusiastically in a press conference today, "We are thinking that if, everything that possibly existed in the past, exists in the present and will come into existence in the future was, is, and will be controlled by the Force in our reality, then the Force is clearly an incompetent entity. It allows meaningless suffering of every kind and allows the Dark Side to repeatedly triumph over the Light Side. Indeed, if everything, EVERYTHING, including thoughts, behavior and destiny, is managed by the Force, then everything bad can also be attributed to Him, and I could not deny that I suspect that He is either inept, or bent on destruction, or is altogether completely indifferent toward our well-being. And if any of those three cases is true, the Council will consider withdrawing its support and service under the Force."

"Ban the Force! That's all we need! We don't need more than this! WE BAN THE FORCE, OUR LIVES IMPROVE!" Senior Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi from the Diplomat Department stated in an impromptu general student body meeting in response to the Council's profound discovery, "Seriously, the Force has f*cked up every one of us! I mean, everything is f*cked up in this face of the universe! When did you hear things are not royally screwed in the ass last time and hey, if the Force is totally responsible for everything and so free will does not exist, how could anyone but the Force be responsible for anything? Then following this line of reasoning, isn't the Force at fault for all the most horrid, terrifying atrocities in our galaxy? The Force has ripped us off big-time! I'd say F*CK 'IM! Let the laws of physics and common sense take the supreme headquarters!" Kenobi and his fellow Jedi students then swiftly went on to organize an anti-Force campaign to vote the Force out of office by giving out free lemonade just outside Science Hall.

The majority of the academy's staff has proudly reported to have made their share of contribution to the Mistreating the Force Movement. "A spectacled Jedi Dork, probably the Force, wanted an Oreo-Coconut-Strawberry-Banana- Raspberry-Chocolate-Peanut-Butter-Jingle-Bell smoothie," Mira Shan, an employee of Je-Cko, a Campus Dinning Service establishment notorious for its attitude, said, "I told to the Sucker to f*ck off 'cause we've run out of frozen yogurt!', even though I was sipping one." While the Fart applauded Je-Cko's hard work, other Jedi whiners have also vowed that they will never step in Je-Cko ever again, despite that Je-Cko is the only on-campus dining location that accepts JA Dining Quota.

Thanks to the swift prosecution in this political body's criminal court and other (skipped) governmental proceedings, as well as the academy's staff's steadfast efforts to piss the crap off everyone, presumably including the Force, He is now permanently banished from the Republic. Following the legislation, a Jedi's dissatisfaction rate over his/her life, originally yielding a steady 75%, has immediately plummeted by over 99.54321%. When asked how this was possible, Junior Padawan Aayla Secura from the Undercover Department had this to say, "This world is a better place without the Force! Mother Nature is f*cking great! Jesus Christ is our Chosen spiritual leader!" The Fart left when the geeky freak burst out singing two songs at the same time: You Went the Wrong Way, Ol' King Louie and even more frighteningly, the Republic Anthem.

The Force's dismissal is followed by the grandest celebration in the Republic since its foundation. All worlds rejoice. People are no longer gullible and stupid. They also sleep better. Average Sentient life expectancy has improved. All natural disasters spontaneously stopped. All citizens love their neighbors and have perfectly good eye sights. The Galaxy IQ has climbed up by ten points on average. People have stopped destroying the environment, and all Sentients of all kinds are finally treated with equal respect. The remnant of the Sith cult is eliminated. The Galactic Senate has won the war on poverty, corruption, cancer, drugs, crime, unemployment and the freedom of speech, effectively shutting off shitty pornography websites and strangling popular holonet culture that does not even try to make sense. Coruscant weather still sucks horse semen.

On the other hand, according to the Fart's most recent report, the once-all-powerful-asshole-of-all Force is found heavenly dead in abject poverty in the infamous Northwest district on the abandoned, remote, shanty-town-ridden planet Tatooine. It is believed that He was a victim of a hate crime that involved Sand People and being run over by a big bantha. The news has attracted new controversy in the very small (and therefore unimportant) population of Jedi in the Academy who still actually give a shit about the Force.

"F*cking intangible the Force is, dammit!" Jedi Master Yoda screamed, brandishing his battered copy of Introductory Jedi Philosophy on the Existence of the Force, 7th Ed, "F*cking kill the Force, you cannot! F*cking impossible, it is! Run over something even f*cking touch you cannot, how you can?!"

Yoda is later unavailable for comment after the Fart shoved the mentally-disturbed bastard into a washing machine.

Acknowledgements - As you could apparently see, this often self-contradicting article is modeled heavily after the typical college satirical student newspaper. Hence the tone is hardly original. I also owe the structure of the paragraph "The Force's dismissal is followed...horse semen." to George Carlin, who also used the style of listing positive miracles in the closing moments of his comedy routine "Life is Worth Losing", where I also took two phrases "love their neighbors" and "have perfectly good eye sights" directly from him.