Farewell

by Hana (HanaSyoubu@canada.com)

Archive: M_A please. 
         Anyone else, just let me know.  I will probably say yes.
Category: Drama, POV
Rating: PG
Warnings: Character death.  What didn't happen, happened.
          NO SEX at all, sorry.  Not even close.
          Although this is beta-ed, I made the final call,
          so all mistakes are mine.
Spoilers: See warning above
Summary: Saying goodbye.
Notes: A big thank you for Windsong, my helpful beta reader.
       Windsong made some wonderful suggestions and I incorporated
       them into my writing.
Feedback: Please, please, please yes.  As a matter of fact,
          I will let you in a little secret if you give me feedback, 
          and I promise I will write you back personally.
          (I can't promise that you'll like the secret though... ^^;)
Disclaimers: George Lucus owns them, not me.

Dear Obi-Wan,

Where should I begin, my beloved, when so much has happened, and yet, so much more to come?

Perhaps here and now would be a good place to start.

I am writing this on board the Queen's ship. We are on our way back to Naboo, to protect the Queen in her fight against the Trade Federation.

We shall arrive in a few hours. You are meditating in the room next to mine, and the heavy silence is still stretched uncomfortably between us after our argument on Coruscant. You are upset because of my insistence on training Anakin at all costs, and I am disappointed by your behavior -- as well as my own.

A vision has came to me during my earlier meditation. A blood red vision. I saw myself fighting the Sith, in a circular room with a pit in its center.

I saw my own death.

It echoed bitterly with the foreboding I have felt since our first close encounter with the horned creature a few days ago.

I am getting old, ObiWan. Perhaps, it is my time.

I can almost see the dismayed look on your face, the same one you have had so many times before. You would have this intense frown that draws your perfect brows together and narrows your emerald eyes. "But Master Yoda says that the future is always in motion, Master! And you are definitely not old!" I can almost hear you saying that, and I would be tempted to do anything you asked, just so I can smooth it away. It hasn't changed a bit since the first time we have met. Always so serious, so fierce.

How I will miss you when we part, my beautiful love.

Indeed, the future is indeed always in motion, and one cannot win a fight if he believes that he will lose before it even starts. Our focus in that moment shall determine our reality. If this is indeed my destiny, then I shall at least rise to meet it with grace.

Forgive me, ObiWan, for not letting you know of this, for bidding you farewell now with this mere letter, but there is nothing you can do. It would only serve to distract you, a distraction you cannot afford. I am a selfish old man, the thought of you dying ahead of me, ahead of your time is unbearable. If I die tomorrow in the battle, I die fighting alongside you, die fighting against darkness in the universe. I cannot think of a better way to be one with the Force again.

Beloved, on the other hand, you still have a long road to travel.

Your destiny lies far beyond being an ordinary knight; I have sensed that from the very beginning. The living Force has whispered to me of your potential even when we were on Bandomeer all those years ago. That was one of the reasons why I refused to train you: having lost confidence in myself, I believed that I was incapable of guiding you to your true destiny. But then, of course, you moved me, your brave determined spirit shone light into my bitter weary soul.

Through the years, you have been an ambitious, able student, headstrong and quick-tempered sometimes, but a pleasure to teach and work with nonetheless. Together, we fought, we healed, we laughed, we mourned. Your strength lies in the unifying Force, and often balances my affinity to the living force, even though it comes in the form of endless heated discussions between us more often than not. Nevertheless, I can honestly say that teaching you, watching you grow has been a wonderful experience.

I am very proud of you, ObiWan my Padawan. My legacy.

I know I have been more persistent than ever to ensure that Anakin will be trained, with our argument still painfully fresh in mind. As I said at that time, I did not mean to surprise you in the council chamber.

Please forgive me, for I was too caught up in the moment then. Suggesting to take Anakin as my Padawan was my last resort, a desperate attempt to let him train as much as possible before you can train him yourself.

Yes, ObiWan, you will be Anakin's master. It is the will of the Force.

He is the one that will bring balance to the Force, I have no doubt about it. When you met on the ship, I felt the balance of the Force shifted, as if the fates of the worlds had fallen into a certain predetermined course.

His destiny is entwined with yours, not mine.

You two together will bring the much needed changes to the Order, to the galaxy. Let the force guide you, my love. It will not be an easy path, but your courage and determination will serve you well. I believe in your strength, the strength you possess that has assisted me in so many ways through our years together.

I believe in you.

You stood by me when odds against us were great, comforted me when I was too tired to go on, cared for me when I was weak.

Thank you, ObiWan.

Peace, is when I am lying in your arms, watching you sleep, listening to your heart beat. Joy, is feeling your kiss lingers on my lips, your soft caress leaves tingles on my skin. Love, is you. And how I love you.

I shall always remember the mornings we mediated side by side under the dawning sky, the nights we lay in each other's arms in ecstasy.

Should I die, my only regret will be leaving your side. Don't be too hard on yourself, love, for everything has its time. My time has come, as my duty in the Force is done. When you have finished your part, we shall meet again, for an eternity.

Remember, there is no death, there is the Force.

Remember, I shall always be with you. I shall always love you. Always.

Take care of yourself, and may the Force be with you.

Love,

QGJ

The faint beeping of an incoming message signal woke Qui-Gon from his meditative gaze at the letter.

"Qui-Gon Jinn here."

"Master Jinn, this is Ric Olie. We will be arriving on Naboo in about a quarter of an hour."

"I will be on the bridge in a few moments. Thank you, Ric."

Switching off the comm unit, QuiGon gave his letter one last glance. Then carefully, he folded the sheets of paper neatly, and put them into his cloak pocket. Breathing out a sigh of resolve, he walked out of the room with his usual long strides.

Evening breeze whispers into the calm night air, moist yet surprisingly cool for a tropical planet like Naboo, carrying the ever present fresh floral scents.

It reminds me of you. But then again, so does everything else.

Strolling alone in this small garden, tucked away in a corner of the grand Naboo palace, I inhale lungs full of the refreshing fragrance.

The ancient wooden box feels warm in my hands, containing the oxidized carbon remains of the physical form once belonging to you, a body that was once my familiar territory.

Strange as it may sound, I feel fine, not great, but fine.

The anger and sorrow and grief that were so tempting just yesterday seem so remote now. Replacing them now is a calm sense of acceptance, and renewed hope.

Not that it came easily though. My epiphany. No, definitely not. Thinking back on how close I was to turning, makes me shudder.

I was packing up our few belongings left onboard the Queen's ship, after meditating for hours that ended without a resolution. There I was, angry at you for rushing ahead without waiting for me; Angry at myself for failing you, for being too slow to reach you before it was too late. I fear that I am not capable of fulfilling my promise to train Anakin; I hated that you had wrenched the promise from me with your dying breath, leaving me no choice but to live on, for nothing more than the sake of your legacy.

I lost faith in the Force, in myself, in everything.

How could I believe in the Force, when it failed you, led you to your painful death? You didn't deserve to die like that!

Did you even return to the Force? What if, after you died, it was over, and you don't exist anymore? Could it be that cold eternal emptiness is waiting for me instead of your warm embrace, instead of the Force?

I felt as if the ground I have stood on for all my life had shattered, giving way to a vast void of darkness. I could feel hands of fear pulling me down, waves of despair threatening to swallow me whole. Darkness was swirling inside of me.

Wallowing in misery, I curled up on your sleep couch and wrapped myself in your cloak, desperate for even the slightest trace left of your existence. Your scent was still lingering on the dark brown cloth.

I pretended that it was your embrace, pretended that you were still with me. Perhaps, if I tried hard enough, I could once again feel your warm breath against my hair, your arms enveloping me in your warm embrace. Closing my eyes, I remembered the past we shared, and thought of the lonely nights ahead. I wept.

I don't remember how long I stayed that way. Weeping myself to sleep, I wandered in the limbo between sleep and wake. My mind, dwelt on endless possibilities that could have been, what should have been done, refused to rest; my body protested, for it was too tired to stay awake. I burned with a fever of guilt, and shivered in the freezing hell of loneliness.

Suddenly, I felt a light caress on my hair. The touch warm and tender, just like yours so many times before.

When I was a young child, after I had a nightmare, you would sit by me until I fell asleep again. You would gently stroke my hair, reassuring me that you were there, and would be there when I woke. No matter how bad the nightmare was, your touch could always make it go away, and I would always sleep peacefully with you by my side.

It's rather strange that little things like this stand out when I think of you, considering things we did on a daily basis. They just make me miss you that much more.

So I lay there in silence, didn't dare to open my eyes, for fear that I was dreaming. I was desperate to feel you again, even if it was a fragment of my dreams. I wanted to stay in this moment forever. But, just as your gentle caress had always achieved, the soft touches calmed and relaxed, brought me a peace I thought I would never feel again. I couldn't help but fell into a dreamless slumber.

The transition from sleep to wake was instantaneous, although it didn't reduce the sense of disorientation that followed. I felt surprisingly rested, and immediately realized I had fallen asleep fully dressed with my boots on, but I had no idea of where I was or whether it was night or day. Lifting a hand to shield my eyes from the cabin's artificial lighting, I could still feel the dried tears on my face.

Then suddenly, I remembered.

"Qui-Gon!" I bolted up, my motion so abrupt that your cloak fell onto the floor. My lone voice echoed in the empty room.

[Of course it was a dream, you stubborn fool! Your dear master is dead!] A voice in my head said. [But it felt so real!] Another voice argued. I thought I must be going crazy, but I didn't care.

Disappointed, I bent over to pick up your cloak, wanting nothing more than to escape again from this hash reality. Then, like magic, some pages of neatly folded papers appeared on the floor beneath the cloak. They weren't there before.

My name was written on it, in your handwriting.

With a shaking hand, I picked it up. I couldn't help but trace the ink marks of my name with a finger; I have always loved the way you write my name. Did I ever tell you that I love your handwriting? So strong yet graceful, just like you. But you probably already knew; you have always liked to leave me written messages whenever possible, even when a datapad would be equally sufficient and much easier.

Tears once again swelled up in my eyes, and through the tears, I read your letter.

You would love this place, my dear master. I can almost see you stroll through the garden while watching the twilight sky, crimsons dancing with violets, and tell me how strong the living force is in this little garden. You would place your hands on my shoulders, tell me to close my eyes and listen to the voices of the living creatures. Insect buzz, leaves shiver at the wind's touch, roots dig deep into the fertile ground, petals drift as the clear stream flows, all weaving into a single symphony of the living Force.

Reaching the edge of the garden, which ends in a spectacular view of the unending stretch of forests and plains below, I admire the landscape. The crystal stream that runs through the garden ends in a slender waterfall that evaporates into sparkling air near the bottom of the high cliff.

I was angry at you, for not letting me know of your vision.

But then I realized, that you simply followed your belief, as you always did. It made up part of who you are, the man I love.

Carefully, I open the box, and scoop up a handful of the ashes inside. Opening my hand slowly, I release them into the gentle breeze, let them to be carried into the air. I let them go. Let them fall onto the forest floor below, onto the rivers running through the land, carrying them back into the nature. Thousands of years later, they will be broken back down into the most basic elements, to be used again as building blocks for new life.

I know you would like this, for your body to become part of the world you gave your life to protect, now that your spirit is free. This is your legacy.

You died, protecting the ones you loved from the darkness, with no regret. You could be right, and you could be wrong. Only time can tell, for the future is always in motion. But I shall do my fair share of the work. You have given me the gifts of knowledge and strength, and I shall always cherish them. I am your legacy.

I don't regret a single moment of the years I spent with you, even if I knew that this would happen and I could choose again, I would do the same.

It was painful, but I survived your death, and came out stronger.

Thank you, QuiGon, for your love, your kindness, your everything.

I love you, too.

With one last look, I turned around and left the garden. There are still many things for me to take care of. I have to keep my focus on here and now, just as you have always taught me.

Farewell for now, love. I look forward to meeting you again, after I have finished my duties.

When the time comes, we shall be together again, for all eternity.

~ End ~

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