Fade In Time

by Oncidium (hellsmouth@sympatico.ca)

Archive: M_A

Category: Angst, PoV, Obi/Ani, Obi/Qui

Rating: G

Warnings: Episode 2 fic… inspired by the line "All dreams fade in time, Padawan". So spoilers ahoy!

Summary: Obi reflects

Disclaimer: The characters in this story do not belong to me; they belong to George Lucas. I just like to play with them and will try and return them in somewhat the condition in which they were found.

Feedback: Oh Yes!!!!!...please

Thanks: To my Master, Briony, for not letting me make this into the gigglefest rant and for her love and constant support. ::hugs::

"All dreams fade in time, Padawan…"

Even as the sentence left my mouth it already rang hollow to me. Another platitude to assuage the increasingly troubled mind of my Padawan.

How could I tell you the truth? Look at you and tell you that no, the nightmares will never cease. In time you will learn to cope with them, though. Just as I have.

How can I tell you that each and every night when I go to bed I see Qui-Gon and fail to save him all over again? Oh sure, sometimes the situation is different, but the end result is always the same.

I am cradling him as the light fades from his eyes and he asks me again to take you as my Padawan… As much as you would like to be dreaming of Senator Amidala each night; what I would give to dream, just once, of the last time he made love to me rather than the moment I truly failed him. No the nightmares won't fade in time, but you will.

"Meditate on this… do not centre on your fears or let you anxiety lead you…" Nice advice to give the newly bereaved, huh? But I had a duty to you and to the Order to perform and they could not have me breaking down or railing against the cruel fates, which had dealt me this hand. No… I am a Jedi and as such, I must push my own wishes and wants far down in myself. I barely feel them anymore. It is forbidden for the Jedi to seek possession of any sort. But if Qui- Gon had lived, I would have told them all exactly where they could have stuffed that tenet of The Code and tried to persuade him to do the same. I would have been happy…

Don't worry; eventually you can learn to do this too. Shut down each of your emotions, until all you can feel is duty. Dawn a mask of stoicism and just go blank inside. That's what I have done. I am numb, Padawan. Numb and hollow. Don't look at me like that, with such pity in your eyes. It's not all bad… It keeps me from hating you, for instance.

I call you Padawan or Apprentice like I would refer to a chair or a table. I can't recall ever having called you Anakin, or the more familiar Ani. Do you notice? Probably not. You were always such a selfish child. Even then, I referred to you as "the boy". No emotion to it. Just indifference. I admit, at first I was jealous. Jealous that he saw things in you he could never see in me and jealous that you were the last thing he thought of as he was dying. Not me. Never me. Although he had been my Master for twelve years and my lover for five.

Then that was that. No more Master. No more lover. He was gone and I was stuck with you. The child who was so self-involved that even at his funeral you could not once offer me a word of comfort. No it was, what was going to happen to you. You say now that you consider me a father… but did anyone ever ask if I was ready for a son?

So you see why such feelings of possession are dangerous. I guess what I said then is true, from a certain point of view. If you take dreams as meaning hopes and aspirations, then those do fade. One by one you can shut them down and eventually become the perfect Jedi. Stoic, calm… sterile.

But the nightmares? No, those never do fade. They will creep up on you every night and choke you awake with their bloodless fingers and try and rent from you the scream you had given up long ago. They will leave you shivering and alone in the dark wishing someone would hold you and tell you it's going to be alright. But that person will never come. That, my very young Apprentice, is something that you will have to get used to.