Everything You Are (Is What I'm Meant To Be)

by Pumpkin (apumpkin@rogers.com)

Archive: master_apprentice, swal, my page only

Author's webpage: https://www.squidge.org/~pumpkin/

Category: First Time

Rating: R

Warnings: none

Spoilers: none

Feedback is always very welcome

Disclaimers: Mine they are not, dream a girl can

Summary: Obi-Wan lives with a decision he made.

With your love
Show me how to live
'Cause you are made of me
And I am made of you

While Qui-Gon had chosen celibacy, Obi-Wan had had celibacy thrust upon him.

Falling in love with one's master was a time-honoured tradition. Not falling out of love with one's master.... Well that was where Obi-Wan had taken the path less traveled. And that was why he found himself sitting with a group of his age-mates, face hot and red as they looked at him with varying degrees of humour, horror, and simple disbelief.

The dining hall was busy, as it always was for first-meal, and Obi-Wan fancied that the expectant disbelieving hush which had fallen over his friends slowly spread to the other tables until it felt as though the entire room was straining to hear more.

"I just don't believe it," Jorin repeated, others murmuring agreement with his statement. His words broke the spell and Obi-Wan's imagination lost its hold over him, the usual sounds of conversation and eating coming back into focus familiar and as loud as ever.

"What I can't understand is how you could still be a virgin at your age," said Sook. The usual light blue of her features had darkened to the colour of a midnight sky. "Surely you've had offers," she added coyly, her colour deepening with invitation.

Bant alone hadn't yet commented and Obi-Wan looked down at his arm as a small fin suddenly gripped his wrist.

"It's not unheard of for Jedi to be celibate." Bant spoke quietly, her voice earnest in her attempt to ease her friend's embarrassment. "Why, according to tradition, the first Jedi were celibate, by rule rather than choice."

"Thank the Force we live in much more enlightened times!" Teak'Snor chuckled at his own words, putting his arm around Jorin as the two shared a warm kiss. The assembled padawans let out a collective groan and Obi-Wan gave a mental sigh of relief as their teasing found a new target.

What was it about sex that made beings lose their circumspection? He'd always known this was how his friends would react and had hoped to continue avoiding the rather juvenile and frankly intrusive banter. He could see the pity in their eyes and didn't want it, didn't deserve it. He couldn't explain it but there was no lack in his life. He was on the path to becoming a Jedi Knight; he had his friends, he had his master, and, most of all, he had the Force.

Obi-Wan finished his gana flatcakes as quickly as possible without appearing to hurry and excused himself from the table and the hall. The relief that lightened his shoulders when he reached the corridor fled as a touch at his back let him know that he was not alone. But it was only Bant, concern and empathy written clearly in her large, round eyes.

"I am sorry, Obi-Wan," she said as she fell into step with him. Obi-Wan automatically shortened his stride to match hers.

"Why are you sorry?"

"If I hadn't brought up the subject..."

"Well, I suppose I must get used to it. It's not like anything's going to change. At my funeral they will solemnly intone 'here lies the body of Obi-Wan Kenobi, last of the virgins'."

Bant giggled softly, as Obi-Wan had meant her to, a fin flying to cover her mouth as her eyes danced in silent merriment above the blocking web. In a moment she grew serious again and Obi-Wan had his hopes dashed -- she wasn't going to be distracted from the subject.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." He let his stride lengthen slightly.

"Oh, come on, Obi-Wan." She put a fin on his arm again and Obi-Wan stopped, looking her in the eye.

"There isn't anything to talk about."

"Nothing to talk about except for why one of the best padawans at the temple isn't having any sex!" Several of the robe-clad figures who were passing by stopped to look back at them and Obi-Wan rolled his eyes at his friend, grabbing her arm and pulling her through the closest door, luckily leading to a practice hall. The lights came on automatically as the door swung shut behind them.

"I'm not embarrassed by my choice. Or ashamed of it. But I don't like being made a fool of for it."

"They're just worried about you. We all are."

"Because I'm not like them? I'm not unhappy, Bant."

"But are you happy?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Because I don't have sex? How would fumblings in the dark make me happy?"

"It's a little more than fumblings in the dark." Bant had coloured prettily now.

"That's all it would be for me."

"I'm sorry." Bant looked apologetic once again. "If I didn't care I wouldn't worry, Obi-Wan." She looked earnestly at him and Obi-Wan might have caved under the pressure of the lidless stare; but he stubbornly refused to answer the question in the silver eyes, long years as her friend inuring him.

"Aren't you going to tell me why?" she finally asked.

"No." He folded his arms across his chest.

"Oh, come on, Obi-Wan."

"It's none of your business." He stared back at her, mouth set belligerently, refusing to let her out-stubborn him.

"Perhaps not," she agreed reluctantly, still trying to convince him with her wide stare. Then she smiled. "But you would probably find ease in the telling."

"I'm not uneasy about it!" Obi-Wan all but shouted, face immediately turning sheepish. "I'm sorry, Bant," he told the younger padawan. "I've been comfortable with my decision for awhile now. I don't know why I let them get to me. Maybe talking about it would help."

"I'm here for you, Obi-Wan. Tell my why you're still a virgin."

"I love my master."

"We all love our masters, Obi-Wan. Oh! You mean you love your master. Have you told him?"

"Yes, and that's when he told me about his vow of chastity and I knew that I was going to have to take one too, perforce."

"Uh...did it occur to you that he might have said that to reject you more gently?"

Obi-Wan was shaking his head even before she had finished. "No. He would have told me the truth."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, then perhaps you should set your sights on someone else."

"Oh no, I never could do that. Qui-Gon is the other half of my soul; it wouldn't feel right to do that. So you see, I'm stuck."

"Well at least you humans are able to indulge in self- gratification." At Obi-Wan's silence Bant questioned him further, turning brightly salmon as she became more personal. "You do have that at least, don't you?"

"Not really."

"Obi!"

"It feels too much like I'm being unfaithful," he admitted. It made perfect sense to him, but when he tried to articulate it, it sounded silly and naive. "Most of the time I work on my katas or meditate."

"No wonder you're so ahead of your agemates. But it can't be healthy. Would you like me to talk to him?"

"NO!"

"I wouldn't mind."

Obi-Wan took her hand and stared earnestly into Bant's eyes, trying to convey just how very serious he was about this. "But I would mind. Look, Bant, I know you're just trying to help, but I spoke with him and he made his feelings clear. Besides, if I'm going to remain celibate, I have to be able to control my needs. It's not the terrible thing everyone seems to believe it to be."

"I've had sex, Obi-Wan. And I know it's not all that different for humanoids -and it's wonderful."

"So is the Force."

"I guess I don't understand."

"I didn't at first either, Bant, but it's been almost five years now and I've learned that if I put myself in the Force I don't need anything else."

"Is it very hard?" she asked, trying to be delicate and to offer comfort without further upsetting her friend. She frowned as Obi-Wan's face grew red; she'd obviously embarrassed him further.

"It's fine. Really. Please, Bant, can't we change the subject?"

"Sure. You humanoids make everything so complicated," she murmured before asking him to help her with the Moon's third kata.

With your life
Show me how to grow
'Cause you are made of me
And I am made of you

Obi-Wan enjoyed Bant's company. Aside from his master, she was his best friend; but today he was glad to see her go. Alone, finally, he closed his eyes and sank into the embrace of the Force. He felt peace and calm settle over him and he ran through several katas at half speed, moving effortlessly. The only other place he felt this at peace and right within himself was when he was with his master.

It had not always been so.

As he slid into the opening movements of another kata, he thought back to when he was fourteen. He had confessed his love to his master, feeling neither shy nor embarrassed; there was nothing he needed to hide from Qui-Gon. That his master loved him, but had taken a vow of chastity, had seemed the height of unfairness and he had railed at the universe, and at the Force.

Obi-Wan had turned to another padawan, intent on burning out his passions. Sal-Tir had accepted his awkward advances with alacrity, but a single kiss had cemented his awareness that this was wrong; he just couldn't do it.

Several more attempts over that first year at forming liaisons had finally led him to the conclusion that if he couldn't make love with Qui-Gon then he couldn't make love at all; and he had taken his master's vow of celibacy as his own.

With this acceptance he had begun to flourish, his connection to the Force becoming stronger, more satisfying. He occasionally wondered why it was his lot to be so different -- it was quite obvious to Obi-Wan that his agemates were enjoying experimenting and indulging in various sexual encounters. As the years passed he grew more and more deeply connected to the Force and found great physical, mental and emotional satisfaction in his life.

Obi-Wan moved into a more difficult series of forms, pushing himself now.

He thought back to a mission he and Qui-Gon had been on several years previously. The Prefect's son was infamous for his voracious appetites -- both in the number of his partners and the sexual acts he performed. Obi-Wan had asked why he did it.

"I'm looking for something," the youth had replied.

"What?"

"I don't know, but something is missing."

Obi-Wan knew there were many who envied the young leader- in-waiting, but Obi-Wan felt sorry for him. He himself felt that he was missing nothing from his life.

His kata drew to an end and he stopped, breathing heavily, body flushed with heat and pleasure -- satisfaction at having pushed himself physically and succeeded in his endeavours. If only he could make his friends understand that there really wasn't anything missing from his life, no reason for them to pity him.

Deciding to use the showers off the training salle, he was soon standing under the steady stream of water. The shower was hot and hard, the small drops of water hitting his skin and relaxing him. Hands against the wall, he braced his arms and arched his back, enjoying the harsh spray as it danced over his spine. The arrhythmic fall of water eased him into a light meditative state and he drifted comfortably, letting his mind coast gently along the rim of his conscious.

His thoughts kept straying back to his master, unbidden images of Qui-Gon in the nude, standing in the spray next to him and then joining him. Their bodies would slide together beneath the constant barrage of water and his master's hands would wrap around Obi-Wan's phallus, stroking his aching erection even as Obi-Wan stroked Qui-Gon's.

So hot within his grasp, hotter even than the water that flowed over him; his master's erection felt real, as did the hands that caressed him.

Obi-Wan's eyes flew open and he gasped sharply as he realised that he was masturbating. With a sharp twist he turned the temperature of the water frigid, letting the freezing stream cool his unexpected ardour.

He let the cold water beat against his skin for several moments before shutting off the shower and stepping back from the cold tiles.

Nothing worthwhile came easily, he reminded himself. Perhaps there was a need to perform one or two more katas, to remind himself of his connection to the Force and the sense of fulfillment he could find there.

With your heart
Show me what is true
With your soul
Walk my spirit through
You are made of me
And I am made of you

Obi-Wan arrived at his quarters with a sigh. It had been a long, frustrating day, beginning with the discovery of his virginity, and, even worse, his chastity, by his agemates. Bant's efforts had done little more than serve to remind him of his own body's needs and wants, something that he usually had under control. Even at evening meal in the dining hall, several of his agemates had razzed him again, until he was sure his face would remain permanently red. All he wanted now was to spend a quiet evening reading at his master's feet, spending some time with the man he loved.

As he palmed open the door, a bright smile bloomed across Obi-Wan's face. He saw his master in his favourite chair, a glass of lavender liquid at his side, datapad in hand. Qui-Gon looked up as Obi-Wan came in, an answering smile gracing his features.

"Good evening, Master."

"Good evening, Padawan. I trust you had a good day?"

"Mixed, Master. But I did manage to perfect the Water's Eighth Kata today. How about you, Master, how was your day?"

"As well as one can expect a day spent in the company of the council to be." Obi-Wan laughed softly and settled on the floor at his master's side, back to the large chair's arm, pressing lightly against his master's legs.

"There was one thing that I wanted to talk about."

"Yes, Master?" asked Obi-Wan, tilting his head back to look up at Qui-Gon.

"We had a break for a late lunch and as I was approaching the dining hall I overheard two padawans talking. Gossiping really. Normally I wouldn't even have taken any notice, but when I heard your name, I started paying attention without even realising."

"And what was that, Master?" asked Obi-Wan, all too sure he could figure it out without his master telling him.

"The one boy was expressing disbelief at the concept of your being a virgin. The other boy assured him that the information had come from you. The first boy expressed continued disbelief nonetheless."

"I suppose it'll be all over the temple by now," grumbled Obi-Wan. "That at least explains some of the looks I received in the halls."

"So it is true, then."

"Yes, Master."

"May I inquire as to whether it is by choice or necessity?"

Obi-Wan shifted so that he could look at Qui-Gon without having to tilt his head back, distorting his view. "Both, I suppose."

"Both?"

"By necessity I choose to be celibate."

"This is my fault, isn't it?"

"Fault, Master?"

"You have patterned yourself after me, haven't you? Taking my vow of chastity on as your own for some reason. You don't have to do this, you know. There is no shame in having lovers. And I must admit that I had assumed that you and Knight Danis were-" he broke off as Obi-Wan laughed.

"Ken and I play chatim together. He is involved with another; they are to be formally bonded in the next quarter. I...I am celibate because the one I love is celibate."

"I didn't realise our ranks were so full of chaste Jedi," joked Qui-Gon before his face grew pensive, serious. "You mean me, don't you?"

"Yes, Master," agreed Obi-Wan, letting his head fall against his master's thigh.

"I didn't realise you hadn't outgrown your padawan's crush." One of Qui-Gon's hands dropped to Obi-Wan's shoulder, rubbing in small circles.

"But I did, Master. What I feel for you is not the love of a padawan for his master, neither is it the first stirrings of sexual awareness confused with love. I know my body, I know my heart, and both are devoted to you."

"You never said anything, other than that once."

"You have chosen to be celibate; I respect your choice as I respect you, Master. I would not dishonour you by asking you to take back your vow." His master chuckled and Obi-Wan shifted to face him. "What's so funny?"

"You are a very honourable man, Padawan. I just wish you had thought to ask me at some point why I had chosen to become celibate."

"I'm sure your reasons are good ones and I had no wish to pry."

"The irony is we wouldn't have wasted so much time if you had been less honourable."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"When I was just a padawan, younger than yourself, I had a vision. In fact, I had the same vision every night. My master helped me determine the nature of my vision. The Force was telling me that I am only half a soul on my own; that the other half of me resides in another being. I decided that I wished to remain celibate until I could find my soul's other half."

Obi-Wan felt hope stir within him at his master's words and he grew brave under the look in his master's eyes. "When you said that we wasted time, Master, was that because you believe me to be your soul's mate?"

Qui-Gon's hand cupped his cheek, his thumb stroking gently over Obi-Wan's bottom lip. "The day you were brought to the temple I couldn't contain myself. I was teaching hand to hand combat to the senior padawans -- luckily it was not saber lessons or I might have severed something important. I was demonstrating one of the more involved Taganian holds when suddenly it felt as if I had been plugged into a hyperdrive.

"I staggered as this overwhelming feeling swept through me. It was like some part of me that had been missing was returned to me -a part that I didn't even know was gone until I had it once again. I dismissed the class and ranged through the temple halls, unable to contain myself, needing to move, to find the source of this feeling welling inside me. Finally I happened upon the creche and the minute I saw you I knew.

"My heartbeat returned to normal, my restlessness abated and a quiet energy filled me. I touched your cheek just once, dipped my finger into the indentation in your chin, and left, my spirit totally at ease in a way I had never been able to manage before then.

"So yes, my Padawan, I do indeed believe that you are my soul's mate."

Obi-Wan nuzzled into his master's hand, wanting nothing more than to turn his lips into the warm, familiar palm and kiss it. He felt as if his whole being was vibrating, the pieces of his life coming together like a child's puzzle, all leading to this moment; but one thing troubled him. "Why have you never said anything?"

"It would not have been right to burden a child with such knowledge."

"And when I became your padawan?"

"You were still so young."

"What about when I told you that I loved you?"

"That was the crush of a padawan for his master. It happens -- it's a natural occurrence when two people spend so much time together, when their lives depend on one another. The student invariably believes himself to be in love with the master. You were only fourteen, I couldn't tie you down to this old body -- it had to be your choice."

"What made you decide to tell me now?"

His master shrugged, the strong shoulders moving elegantly beneath the tunics Qui-Gon wore. "It seemed that not telling you was causing more harm than good."

"You realise that you decided all this without consulting me."

"Obi-Wan, the circumstances..."

"Were what they were. They've changed. I know the truth now; I understand now why the thought of taking a lover, any lover, other than you was so abhorrent to me." Obi-Wan knelt in front of Qui-Gon and pressed against his master's knees until they opened and he slid in between and, oh, it felt right, more right than anything in his life ever had. "I am ready to take my place in your life as your soulmate."

"I think-"

"You've done enough thinking for me, Master. It's my turn to think now, and I think that this is long overdue." Cupping his master's face, Obi-Wan leaned in and pressed his lips against Qui-Gon's.

He had imagined many times what it would be like to finally kiss his master -- in his fantasies they had fallen into each other's arms and magically found themselves rolling together in Qui-Gon's large bed.

In reality, there were noses and untutored lips and hands that fumbled and knocked awkwardly together. But after the first uncomfortable moments, their mouths melded together, the electricity of their joining outweighing the embarrassment and shyness of bodies untested by physical love.

Qui-Gon's lips were soft against his own, the short bristles of his beard and moustache rubbing slightly against Obi-Wan's skin. The press of their lips ignited a tight feeling in the pit of Obi-Wan's stomach, not unlike the rush of adrenaline that filled him as they joined a battle, but more -- more alive, more electric.

He could feel his master's arms around his chest, the large hands resting against his back. His own hands had risen to tangle in his master's hair. Their bodies, long denied and untried, pushed instinctively together in a rhythm that came as naturally as breathing.

It seemed as if touching Qui-Gon ignited his senses, and Obi-Wan felt the cool glide of their tunics against his skin contrasting sharply with the heated silk of his lover's mouth and hands. Their breathing seemed louder; the small sounds of need and satisfaction that issued from both their throats even more so.

When Obi-Wan tentatively pushed his tongue between Qui-Gon's lips, his master's mouth opened, welcoming the invasion Obi-Wan hadn't known he wanted to stage. Boldly sweeping his tongue inside his master's mouth, Obi-Wan jerked as his master's tongue touched his own, shyly meeting it tip to tip. The coil in the pit of his stomach expanded, spreading out over him.

He wondered why he'd never noticed how good Qui-Gon smelled. Taking another deep breath, Obi-Wan let the taste of his master on his mouth and the smell of him in his nose combine and overwhelm him. It was as if he was drowning in Qui-Gon, going under for the final time and not caring, not wanting to break free. Waves broke over him, through him and he could feel his body convulsing, could feel heat spread over his thighs and belly and then everything gradually went grey.

He drifted back slowly.

His senses offered him reports; his body still lay cradled between the heat of his master's legs. His ears registered breathing and soft, nonsensical murmurs while his nose wallowed in the scent of his master's sated body; sweat and sex and something he couldn't name but that made him shiver and his penis twitch. Opening his mouth and letting his tongue slide past his own sensitive, kiss-swollen lips, Obi-Wan briefly touched his master's skin, sealing forever the taste with the circumstance in which he found himself.

"Qui-Gon." The name whispered from his mouth as he clung to his master's body, his orgasm having left him stunned and weak; elated and complete.

"Did you?" Qui-Gon's usual eloquence was gone, but the hand drifting down Obi-Wan's body made his meaning clear and Obi-Wan nodded, unable to stop the wide grin that spread across his face.

"You?" he asked in return.

"Oh yes," replied his master with a soft chuckle.

Sighing happily, Obi-Wan let his head drop to his master's shoulder, his arms draped loosely around Qui-Gon's waist. His master mirrored him, and they dozed a while together, wrapped in each other's arms.

"I think a shower may be in order," murmured Qui-Gon some time later. Obi-Wan chuckled, pulling away and standing reluctantly.

"I must admit I was thinking the same thing myself." He looked down at himself, grimacing. He covered his stained leggings with his hands, shifting uneasily.

"Would you like to..." pausing, Qui-Gon suddenly looked as self-conscious as Obi-Wan felt. "I would like it if you would share my bed."

Face growing warm, Obi-Wan agreed. "After what we just did I don't know why I feel so shy, Master."

"This is a new situation for us both, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon cupped his chin, thumb gently dipping into the dimple there and Obi-Wan had to stop himself from rubbing against the touch like a cat. "It is only natural that there would be some awkwardness as we try to integrate this new aspect into our relationship."

"Yes, Master," replied Obi-Wan, unable to stop the impudent grin from spreading out over his face; his master always slipped into lecture mode when he felt uncomfortable. It was a way of reasserting control and Obi-Wan couldn't help but feel satisfaction that his master was as affected by this as he himself was.

It didn't take them long to shower, and soon they were lying in Qui-Gon's bed, holding each other close. The room was dark now, but Obi-Wan could feel Qui-Gon's smile in his own heart and he snuggled more deeply into the perfect embrace, the Force moving in and around them, completing them.

End.

Title and excerpts are from a song written by R.Rosa and D.Child