Summary : About a month after TPM (AU) Obi-Wan is worried about
how his new status as Jedi Knight will effect his relationship
with Qui-Gon.
For the first time since the fight with the Sith lord Qui-Gon
and I are going to actually sit down and spend the evening
together. The first weeks he was so injured that he was in the
infirmary and besides I was being questioned by the Council so
they could get as much information as possible about our foe.
Besides that I was raised to Knighthood and that led to
everyone wanting to congratulate me and I spent days having
meals and long chats with all my friends, personally I think
they just wanted to hear the story first hand.
Then they sent me to Tharn to oversee the installation of the
new government, just a relaxing little social call Master Windu
called it to announce my new status and give me a simple first
mission on my own. Fortunately Tharn is only two days from
Coruscant and, as the government was elected by popular vote
and Tharn has been a stable democracy for generations, it was a
short and undemanding trip.
So finally I am able to actually see my Master, I suppose I
should say my late Master, but I can't actually think of him
that way yet and I suspect I never will. It has been
frustrating not being able to be with him while he recovered.
After twelve years of caring for each other when ever we were
ill or injured it feels wrong not to be with him at this time,
every instinct in me cries out to go to him. Fortunately the
bond between us allowed me to know he was healing well and send
him my strength, and then, after he regained consciousness, he
began returning that contact. I had never realised how much I
took his presence in my mind for granted until it was stilled
for so long.
Although I am delighted and honoured to have reached the goal
I have been working towards for so long the realisation that it
means I am no longer Qui-Gon's Padawan, and therefore no longer
a integral part of his life, disturbs me. Oh, I know we will
always be close and the link will always be there though it
will fade considerably, but Qui-Gon has been a major part of my
life, perhaps the major part of my life for so long that I find
I dread being an independent Knight.
I stand outside the door of our quarters, soon not to be mine
any longer, and a part of me wishes that the whole Naboo thing
had never happened and I was still a Padawan. /This is
ridiculous! Pull yourself together Obi-Wan! What will he think
of you acting like a child who can't cope with change? What
sort of Jedi are you?/ I try to talk myself into a more
positive frame of mind but it doesn't do much good. If I stand
out here much longer people will begin to wonder if I've turned
to stone, or forgotten my own access code so I put my hand on
the door and enter.
Home, the only home I've ever known really as I don't count my
time in the creche or the dormitory, and soon it won't be mine
any more. I pull the shields down over my thoughts and emotions
and move to my room shedding my cloak and outer tunic. Suddenly
I want to cry, not very Jedi behaviour. I sink down on my bed
and put my head in my hands digging my fingers into my scalp
and massaging slowly. This is going to be the hardest thing
I've ever done and I have to act as though it is all fine,
wonderful in fact, the realisation of all my dreams. Damn it!
Did all new Knights feel like this?
I thought about Tel, when she was raised she spent the first
months positively glowing. I don't think there is a euphoric
drug in the galaxy that could match her high. In fact I teased
her about it, told her if we could isolate the compound we
could buy the Senate. Of course she has a growing bond with
Sharl-Te and we all know that when he is raised they will
commit to a Life Bond, and in the mean time she is still paired
with her Master for all her missions. That gives me a little
comfort, perhaps Qui- Gon and I can remain a team after all we
have been pretty effective in the past.
I hear movement in the outer room and go to the door to greet
Qui- Gon. He is walking across the room away from me obviously
just come from exercise, dressed in training gear. As he moves
he strips off the sweat damped top and uses it to wipe this
face and neck, and I am struck silent by the power and beauty
of his body as he strides easily across the room. A lick of
heat flickers through me. Who am I kidding? Yes he is my
Master, my teacher, my guide, my protector and carer, my friend
and companion, but I also have the terrible feeling he is also
the love of my life.
Why terrible? Because I have no reason to belief that the
feeling is mutual... Oh I know that he has had flashes of
desire for me, I feel them through the link as no doubt he
feels mine...but never has the formality of Master and Padawan
faltered no matter how desperate or how convivial the
situation. /And when have you ever given him any sign?/
I step forward my feet padding softly on the wooden floor, an
almost silent step but he hears me and turns smiling.
"Obi-Wan I'm glad you're back. I've missed you."
"And I you Master." The word comes automatically. "I am
pleased to see you well, I worried about you."
"I know Obi-Wan. I felt your concern." His voice is soft and a
husky as always. "I think knowing that someone cared helped
bring me back."
"We all care Master."
He smiles a little wryly, "I'm sure that's true, but it helps
to have someone in particular who cares." He looks down at
himself, "Let me wash and change and then we will talk," and he
heads for the bathroom.
It is all so familiar, so comfortable, I don't want to move to
my own quarters and lead my own life. I feel like throwing
something, smashing something but I simply go and find glasses
so I can pour the celebration wine I know will be cooling.
/Why have you never told him how you feel?/ Stupid question
really, the answer is so obvious. I'm afraid. Afraid he wont
feel the same way and it will ruin what we have, make us
uncomfortable around each other, perhaps even make him pity me.
/But you know he desires you./ Sure but then what. Could I
stand it if he found another, it's bad enough now but if I'd
ever lain with him and then he still wanted someone else....no,
I think it would destroy me.
Of course we have both had lovers in our years together.
Qui-Gon is a striking man and wherever we go I see the eyes
that follow him and sometimes I hear the comments, I usually
agree with them! He is always discreet of course, and I imagine
he is a charming and generous lover. The women, and
occasionally men, are always friendly and happy to see him when
they meet again. I wonder if he realises how much I know about
his private life. Why would he not, it's not as though he tries
to hide it from me. He knows as much about mine I should think.
Although half the galaxy seems to think that the Jedi are an
ascetic order and have taken a vow of celibacy most Jedi lead
perfectly normal and active sex lives, it's just that the
nature of our work means we usually form long term
relationships with other Jedi. The odd thing is that the other
half of creation seems to think we get up to all manner of
perverse and exotic sex acts.
/So what's stopping you telling him how you feel?/ I hear
Qui-Gon return from his shower so I don't have to answer my own
question, besides I know damn well why not and I don't like the
answer much.
Turning I hand him a glass, "I think we both have something to
celebrate." He is wearing casual pants in a soft smoky blue and
a paler shirt open to the waist. I keep my eyes firmly on his
face. "Don't you ever do that to me again."
His eyes smile but he speaks seriously, "I'll do my best not
to. I can't say it has been a pleasant time."
We sit and compare notes about the past weeks, saying little
about the actual battle, both of us have talked enough about
that to the Council to last a lifetime.
He sighs, "I'm sorry I couldn't be at you ceremony Obi-Wan."
"You were there."
"But not in body, I would have liked to see your triumph with
my eyes as well as my mind."
"It was your triumph Master. I tried to make them wait until
you were well, but they said they needed all the Knights they
could find," I frown at my glass "and then they sent me on a
social call."
Qui-Gon laughs, a delicious ripple of sound, "You will find
that many of your missions seem frivolous and the Council does
not always care to explain."
I am sitting on a chair opposite him and he leans forward and
places a hand on my knee. "Never think that they do not value
you Obi-Wan." His voice lowers until I can hardly hear it.
"Never think I do not." He moves his hand rubbing slightly and
the sensation flashes through my body. "You are my greatest
achievement. I am honoured to have been able to assist you."
"As I am honoured that you took me as your Padawan Master. I
always knew that I had the best."
The large hand briefly clasps my knee, "Thank you, your good
opinion means a great deal to me" he holds my eyes with his "as
does your friendship."
His voice seems to deepen and something hums along our link,
never has the word 'friendship' seemed to be so charged with
subtle meaning. Qui-Gon reaches and takes my hand pulling me
from the chair to sit beside him on the couch. For a long
moment he just looks at me then he sighs. "We need to discuss
what you want to do now you are raised. You are entitled to
rooms of your own."
So here it is. "I know." I look around the room "Must I move
Master? This is my home." I turn back and try to gauge what he
is thinking. "Of course if you would prefer...."
"Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan why would you think I would evict you now
that you are a Knight. After all these years together. As you
say this is your home you are welcome to stay as long as you
wish." Is there a hint of relief in his voice or am I hearing
what I hope for.
"Really?"
"Really!" He raises his hand to my head and runs his fingers
through my short hair as he has so often in the past, than lets
it rest on my shoulder. "Obi-Wan nothing has changed except
that you have advanced in rank and may choose your own path and
your own living arrangements."
"Then, with your approval, I choose to remain here, with you."
He nods "Good," and smiles "I'd miss you if you left, you are
part of my life."
I feel the grin spread over my face and in response his hand
grips my shoulder and shakes me slightly. I can feel my face
heat "Do all new Knights feel this unsettled?"
"I can't say but I know I did. Although I was not sorry to
leave Yoda's quarters. There is much too much size difference
for us to live easily in the same space."
I laugh and lean back slightly into his grasp "I have always
found it difficult to imagine you as Yoda's Padawan."
He stands and moves to the wine cooler, pausing to stretch his
shoulders before he refills the glasses. My eyes feast on the
ripple of muscle and I feel that heat in my body again. As he
turns back to me I find my eyes fixed on the expanse of chest
that is exposed under the open shirt, and the heat begins to
spread. I close my eyes and when I open them the glass is being
handed to me. I take a long swallow "Master will they let us
continue to work together?"
Qui-Gon's eyes are fixed to mine "I expect so if we both wish
it."
Does that mean he doesn't. "Do you Master?"
"Qui-Gon. My name is Qui-Gon."
"Do you Qui-Gon?"
That gentle smile appears again. "Yes Obi-Wan, I do. I think
we make an effective team."
/Only that? Only an effective team./ "So do I. And besides
I...." /no I can't say it./
"What Obi-Wan?"
"Nothing really, just that I enjoy our missions."
"Even the cold, dirty, dangerous, uncomfortable ones?" He is
laughing.
"Oh, especially those!"
His eyes are alight with laughter "I'll have to remember that.
I seem to recall a certain Padawan who could be most inventive
in his abuse of a number of planets and situations he found
himself in." He gives me considering look "I don't believe
anyone else has increased my vocabulary quite as much. I used
to wonder where you learnt some of those expressions."
"I never reveal my sources Qui-Gon. Someone else might start
to use them." I laugh back at him.
We continue to chat for a time then I go to fetch our meal.
When we are eating Qui-Gon suddenly says "There is only one
difficulty with you remaining in these quarters."
I look at him shocked, I thought we had covered this.
"You must never feel that you need to be constrained by these
arrangements."
"Constrained?"
"I mean if you want to bring any one home with you. This is
your home you must do what you want here."
My heart sinks, surely if he had any feelings for me he would
not say that. "Thank you, I have always managed in the past,
I'm sure I will in the future," There is a bite in my tone.
"It's good of you to be concerned about my love life."
He gives me a strange, thoughtful look. "I'm concerned that
you have whatever you want."
/Oh, now there's a thought. Whatever I want. And what if I
want you?/
The look on his face changes, I can't decide what the new one
means but it makes me uneasy. "Thank you. I didn't mean to
sound snappy, I think I'm a bit uncomfortable with the topic."
"There is no reason to be uncomfortable about sex Obi-Wan.
It's a perfectly natural part of life." He is watching me
closely, his hand idly sliding around his wine glass. "If you
would prefer I was not here when you have a guest you have only
to tell me and I can arrange to be elsewhere."
"And what about when you have a guest?"
"I don't mind you being here." He raises an eyebrow "Unless it
would embarrass you."
Once again I close my eyes. Qui-Gon in the other room with a
lover, could I stand it? Would the mental images send me crazy?
"You have never brought someone here before."
"No. While you were my Padawan I didn't think it was
appropriate. I had certain responsibilities toward you." His
eyes seem to be trying to see inside my head. "I'd hate to be
accused of corrupting my student."
/Please, corrupt me!/ I take another sip of wine, I'm going to
be drunk at this rate. "I'm sure you would never do that, and
I'd certainly never accuse you of it."
"Really. It's a pity I didn't know that earlier." His smile is
teasing "And here I was thinking I had to protect your
innocence." So is his tone.
"Innocence? I haven't had that for a while."
He smiles a little sadly, "I don't think that's true Obi-Wan.
Experienced you may be but I think you will always have a
certain innocence. Actually it's rather charming." He stands
"Let's go back where it's more comfortable." He reaches out and
takes my hand again, pulling me away from the table.
We walk across the room and sit, still holding hands. He lets
his thumb slide gently across my palm and suddenly I'm
breathless and shivering.
"Qui-Gon...."
"Shh." He leans forward and brushes his mouth across mine.
I close my eyes and let out a shuddering breath. "Master."
I hear a soft chuckle, "Yes Padawan." It's the first time he's
called me that since Naboo. I open my eyes to find him watching
me with an intense, predatory gaze. It sends my senses into
overload and takes my breath from me. "Can I corrupt you now
that you no longer are my Padawan?"
Do I care that he has said nothing about love? Am I going to
stop him? Don't be crazy, of course not! Even if it is only
this one night I am going to have it, have him. We are still
holding hands and I raise his to my lips and press a long, hard
kiss against his knuckles.
I'm about to say something but he takes my head between his
hands and holds it, running his thumbs along my cheekbones. "If
you only knew how often I've dreamed of this." Then one hand
slides behind my head and holds me while he lowers his mouth
and thoroughly ravishes mine. I have never experienced anything
like it, the hot, hard pressure and the soft glide of lips and
tongue. I lift my hands to his shoulders and pull him against
me returning the kiss and sagging against his body.
His hands leave my head and stroke across my shoulders and
down my back, I move against his hands, rubbing like a cat, if
I could purr I would . We pull apart staring at each other in
amazement. I put one hand against his cheek. "I never thought.
You never gave any sign."
"Neither did you Obi-Wan." He reaches out for his glass "I
don't believe many of the rules should be followed blindly but
the one that says a Master must never initiate sexual activity
with his or her Padawan I do believe in." He puts his hand on
my thigh and squeezes it gently "There is too much danger. The
rule must hold for everyone and every situation."
I think about what he says. "The rule is that a Master may not
initiate, do you mean that a Padawan may?"
He kisses me lightly again, "Yes."
"Why didn't anyone tell me? I've wasted all this time."
Qui-Gon chuckles. "Well it isn't spread about because it isn't
really approved of." He puts a finger to my lips. "It is only
allowed in the final stage of training and even then the danger
of a Padawan being overcome by the bond with his Master and
mistaking it for something else is very great." Another kiss ,a
little longer this time, "And if I had told you I would be
doing the initiating."
I take another sip of wine as I ponder. "I can see the reason
for the rule but how does becoming a Knight change things? We
are both the same people we were four weeks ago."
"True, but now we are equals in rank. You no longer have to do
as I tell you, you are not reliant on my approval and opinion."
He runs his hand up my thigh and settles it on my groin. "You
can tell me to stop without the fear that it will affect your
training or your standing." The hand grips slightly and then
settles to a gentle pressure.
I just gaze at him while the heat coalesces under his hand
then I lean forward and run my mouth along his collar bone
until I reach his neck where I bite softly and then kiss the
mark. "I will always be reliant on you approval and opinion
Master."
A shudder runs through him whether at my words or at my touch
I can't tell. The hand increases the pressure slightly "And I
on yours but if you choose to walk out of here right now it
will not affect your place in the Jedi."
My mouth is just below his ear "I don't believe you would
allow a personal relationship to affect your duty. Ever."
"Thank you Obi-Wan. I hope I would not but it is better not to
put temptation in the path of someone who holds the future of
another in their keeping. You cannot have one rule for one and
another for everyone else."
I can't believe that we were having this conversation at this
moment. I turn my attention back to his neck and smile as he
arches back in pleasure.
Qui-Gon moves back to look at me, his eyes dark with passion
"Take off you clothes," his voice deep and soft.
I stand up, a little reluctantly I must confess, I don't want
to lose that warm hand and also I find I am rather shy. Crazy
really, after a dozen years of doing almost everything together
you would think I'd be used to being naked around him but
somehow this is different. And it isn't as though I am
inexperienced about sex. The classes Padawans have to take
include very thorough lessons on the biological, social and
cultural aspects of sex and reproduction and we were all
encouraged to experiment. I have to say I've always been
particularly enthusiastic about that part of my training.
But now standing in front of this man and baring my body to
him as he sits, clothed, watching I am suddenly shy.
"Don't be afraid Obi-Wan."
I blush at the understanding in his eyes and the heat. He lets
his hand settle now on his own groin. "Please. Let me see you."
If I'd been hot before now I am fairly sizzling. Suddenly the
shyness is gone and all I feel is desire.
Desire to please him...I undo my sash and ease the tunic over
my shoulders letting it fall to the floor...Desire to feel that
hand and that mouth on my flesh...Next the undershirt...Desire
to hold what he is holding now...Sitting back on a low table I
remove my boots and socks...Desire to let my senses have their
release...Standing again I undo the ties on my pants and slide
my hands under the waist band...Desire to see him naked before
me...and ease the fabric, and the underclothes beneath, over my
hips and down to my ankles...Desire to take this to it's
logical conclusion.
Suddenly strong, gentle hands are on my hips and his mouth is
gliding over my hip bones and across my belly. His chin runs
across my cock as it rises to greet him and he pauses to kiss
it lightly in passing. Only his hands are holding me upright as
I lean into them. He rests his forehead against me murmuring
"So beautiful."
At that my knees give way and I sink to the floor in front of
him. A large hand cups my face "I love you. You know that don't
you."
It is said so easily, so simply, a statement of pure fact. I
give a shaky laugh. "If you only knew how often I've dreamed
that."
Puzzled, "Surely you knew."
I lay my head on his thigh, breathing in his scent while he
strokes his fingers through my hair. "I knew you cared for me,
were fond of me, liked me even, but love? No I don't think I
knew that. I was so afraid that if you knew how I felt it would
ruin what we had together." I sit up and look at him and he
leans forward and kisses my forehead.
"Foolish Padawan" caressingly, "and what do you feel for me?"
I rest my elbows on his knees and put my face in my hands
smiling up at him, every worry lifted from my heart and I open
my thoughts to him pulling up every shutter. "You are my life
Qui-Gon, my world, my reason for living."
He closes his eyes and his head slowly comes down to rest on
mine. "As you are mine Obi-Wan, beloved."
I let my hands fall into his lap "Aren't we forgetting
something?" and I firmly run my fingers along the length of him
His head raises and he laughs "Oh I haven't forgotten."
"Then aren't you a little overdressed?"
"First things first. Stand up." Eyes lock together I do as he
asks, then those wonderful hands are holding my hips again
pulling me slowly toward him and suddenly, shockingly I am in
his mouth. All thought flees as my reality shrinks to the focus
of that hot, clever tongue and firm lips. The tension builds
until all I can do is bury my hands in his hair and let him
command my pleasure. After an eternity and all to soon I am
gasping my release and sliding down into his arms.
Sprawled across his legs and chest I try to speak, to let him
know what he's done to me but a finger and than that glorious
mouth take hold of my lips. After a long luxurious kiss I
finally manage "Qui-Gon. Master." I gasp, regaining my breath,
"God."
He laughs "Well I'll answer to the first two but I think the
third is a little extreme." His arms tighten around me "I could
die happy now."
"Don't you dare. I want my turn. You're not even undressed
yet." I move to sit beside him and reach in to push the shirt
off his shoulders letting my hands enjoy smooth skin over hard
muscles, moving down to his waist "Up." And as he raises his
hips I pull the pants down and toss them across the room, /I
was right he is a god./
A shaky hand runs over my cheek and I realise he has caught
the thought "Don't Obi-Wan, it's too much I can never live up
to it. No one could."
I rub against his hand "Maybe not a god but what I see is
certainly divine."
He laughs at that "Then we are a good pair," and pulls me in
again for another kiss. I let the kiss build then I slither to
my knees and place my hands on the juncture of his torso and
legs. Running my fingers gently across the soft skin, tickling
the tiny hairs then bending and planting little kisses and
licks until he is gasping and writhing his hips lifting to find
me. "Obi-Wan, yes." I run my tongue along him and take the head
between my lips. "Please. Yes."
Then I place my hands firmly on his upper thighs and begin
using every scrap of knowledge I have gained in a mis-spent
youth to drive him out of his mind. It works.
Much later we are sprawled across Qui-Gon's bed, legs tangled
together and my head resting on his shoulder. He is playing
with my hair which is a little longer than he is used to. "Will
you grow it long now Obi-Wan?"
"Do you want me to Master?" I sit up and retrieve my glass
watching the way his eyes run over me, delighted at the
proprietorial gleam I see.
"I don't know. I liked the Padawan spiky look but on the other
hand I love the sensation of long hair on my skin."
I smile reminiscently "So do I Master. Perhaps I should grow a
beard so you can experience that sensation too."
"Not yet. Maybe in years to come but for now I want to feel
your lips and you cheek and your chin.."
"I get the message Qui-Gon...no beard."
He runs his hand over my chest smiling as I shiver at his
touch. "We have all our lives before us, we can have everything
we want."
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