Master Apprentice
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Archive: yes, MA
Category: Humor, Q/O
Rating: PG-13 for blatant sexual innuendo
Warnings: excessive sexual innuendo, no beta
Spoilers: None
Summary: A day in the life of two Jedi, for beginning readers
Feedback: As you will
Author notes: Due to bad karma, I have been largely absent from things (and when I am here, I've been incoherent, but what else is new). Every time I looked at one of my story outlines, all I could see was how much effort it would take to even make it into a bad story. So when this idea came to me, I was happy because it took almost no effort to make it into a bad story. I've decided to inflict it on this list, because shared misery is misery shared, or something like that.
PS: A medical condition is referred to in a joking manner in this story, though the condition is both serious and sometimes painful. However, one of the symptoms of this illness has passed into urban legend and it is this aspect of it that is being used.
As every child knows, the main Jedi Temple is on Coruscant. From this central location, thousands of Jedi are dispatched to handle problems that arise throughout the Republic. Many stories have been written about the brave Jedi and their sometimes dangerous missions, but not much has been said about their day to day lives. Ever wonder what the average Jedi does when they're at home? You have? Good, because now we're going to look at a day in the life of two typical Jedi, Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Qui-Gon, a Jedi Master, wakes right after dawn. His apprentice, Obi-Wan, is still sleeping in the bed beside him. Qui-Gon likes to have his Padawan sleep in the same bed as him because the Jedi are always trying to save money and sharing one bed is much cheaper than having two. Qui-Gon smiles as he watches his apprentice sleep. His student never likes to get up in the morning and could be very grouchy upon awakening. But Qui-Gon happens to have a treat on him that is sure to help the young man get over his morning sulk.
Obi-Wan awakes to something poking him in the back. When he turns around, he finds his Master smiling. He is just about to complain about anyone smiling before breakfast when he sees something is making the sheet tent up. He removes the sheet to find his favorite treat, one he very much likes to lick and suck, just like a lollipop. A very, very large lollipop. So Obi-Wan starts licking and sucking on his treat. Normally after a lollipop has been licked and sucked, the size of the lollipop goes down, but this one just seems to get larger. So Obi-Wan licks and licks and licks. And then he sucks and sucks and sucks. He licks and sucks and sucks and licks and then repeats it all even harder. At last, he finds the creamy center and his treat finally goes down in size. Licking the last of the cream from his lips, Obi-Wan returns his Master's smile.
Now the Jedi are ready to get out of bed. First thing they do is take a shower. They take it together because Jedi are very responsible and try to conserve resources whenever possible. The Padawan is very stiff this morning and seems to be having problems walking. His Master, however, knows just how to handle the problem. Qui-Gon holds Obi-Wan before him, letting the water run over him while massaging his apprentice's stiff areas. While he's massaging, he makes sure that Obi-Wan is clean all over, paying particular attention to the hard to reach spots. With his Master's help, the tension that has made the Padawan so stiff is relieved and he is very happy by the time the shower is over.
Once the two Jedi are dried and dressed, it is time for breakfast. Qui-Gon chooses a donut for breakfast, because he is very fond the hole. He eats it slowly, savoring the flavor, repeatedly running his tongue around the hole and through it before he finally finishes it off. Obi-Wan prefers fresh fruit in the morning and chooses a banana this day. He peels the banana slowly and then he takes almost the entire length of the banana in his mouth, humming happily, before he finally bites into the firm flesh. Smiling at each other, they finish their breakfast. The refreshing meal has put a rosy blush on both their faces and they look eager to face the day.
The morning is to be spent in committee meetings. An organization the size of the Jedi does not run itself and therefore all Jedi must spend some of their time off in helping with the administration. This is unfortunate, as most of the committee work is boring, but a Jedi is all about duty. Today's meeting is about the plumbing. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sit patiently as Master Windu, who heads this committee, talks about the problem they've been having with some of the pipes in the kitchen.
Master Windu says, "The water flow becomes sluggish and the pipes need to be cleared out, but they are very narrow and so a plumbing snake needs to be used. Even the snake is a tight fit, rubbing along the sides of the pipe as it's pushed in. A lot of force is needed to plunge the snake into the tight pipe in order to clear it. Over and over the snake is rammed in, until finally the liquid flows freely."
As Master Windu continues to talk about this problem, Qui-Gon notices that his apprentice has begun to fidget. The longer the talk goes on about the pipes, the more Obi-Wan seems to squirm. Not wanting to draw attention to his student's problem, Qui-Gon reaches over and rubs a comforting hand on Obi-Wan's leg. This, however, only seems to make the young man squirm harder, so Qui-Gon rubs some more. Up and down goes Qui-Gon's hand; sometimes faster, sometimes slower as he tries to get Obi-Wan to relax. Obi-Wan doesn't appear to be relaxing, though. Just when it seems he can't get anymore tense, his Master says, "Come, Obi-Wan. Let go." And after making a few muted moans, Obi-Wan finally relaxes. Obi-Wan smiles gratefully at Qui-Gon. The meeting ends when it's decided that a regular snaking will prevent any future problems and won't cost the thrifty Jedi any money.
The plumbing problem has been solved just in time to go to lunch. As a reward for his Master's care in the meeting, Obi-Wan has decided to treat Qui-Gon to a special meal. After the main course of sausage with two large, plump dumplings, the Padawan brings out his teacher's favorite - berries with cream. However, Obi-Wan forgot to bring the spoons. But all is not lost, since the devoted student does not mind using his fingers to feed his Master. Unfortunately, Obi-Wan forgot the napkins, too, and Qui-Gon winds up with his face and chest covered in cream and juice. Obi-Wan's hands are also a mess. Being ever resourceful Jedi, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan solve this dilemma easily. Using their tongues, they carefully remove every last trace of the cream and juice from each other, taking the time to go over each area repeatedly to ensure that it's thoroughly clean. The Jedi are known for the neatness of their appearance and these two are very determined to be clean. Once again the food has refreshed the two men and they each bear a healthy glow as they get ready to face the rest of their day.
Now it is time for Obi-Wan's lessons. The first lesson is in sociology. Qui-Gon teaches his student about many strange cultures. There is one group, the Fellatio, where they spend almost all of their time engaging in sex. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan both get a laugh over that one. Qui-Gon sets some problems for Obi-Wan, which the student readily answers, getting a perfect score on the Fellatio.
The next lesson is in biology. Qui-Gon is teaching Obi-Wan the anatomy of various species. One species, the Elephantitis, a species that is known for their impressive size, seem to be of particular interest to Obi-Wan. His face has become flushed and he is licking his lips. Qui-Gon, seeing the state his Padawan is in, calmly assures him that he shouldn't be nervous. Qui-Gon himself has some Elephantitis blood in him and they are a species devoted to peace. Their motto is make love, not war. Obi-Wan smiles at his Master and tells him that he was already well aware that Qui-Gon had some Elephantitis in him. He then suggests that later Qui-Gon could put some Elephantitis into Obi-Wan as well. (Note for our readers: As many of you children are aware, it is not possible to add to your genetic makeup after you've been conceived, at least not legally. We can only assume that Obi-Wan hadn't been paying close attention to some of his biology lessons. When we approached his Master about this, Qui-Gon assured us that he would work closely with Obi-Wan on the subject of biology.) Qui-Gon set some anatomy problems for Obi-Wan, which the apprentice solved easily.
Now it is time for saber practice. Qui-Gon is a Master of the saber and though he used to demonstrate his technique to many different beings, he now reserves all of his instruction for his Padawan. He is quite firm that no one but Obi-Wan can be present when he is working with his saber, but from the cries and moans emanating from the practice room it is apparent that Qui-Gon is giving his apprentice quite the workout. When they emerge, however, Obi-Wan says that his Master isn't too hard on him and is, in fact, just hard enough. It is obvious from their glowing faces that both Jedi enjoyed their workout.
Now Master and apprentice are ready to have dinner. Unfortunately, the main course in the dining room is Beaver in juice, which neither of them enjoy. Happily, the two of them find some nice big carrots, which they devour greedily, followed by a dessert of Popsicles. The Popsicles are licked with a lot of enthusiasm, but the two Jedi still wind up very messy. But these two have already worked out how to handle this problem and they once again give each other a thorough cleaning.
Dinner over, the Jedi now have time for themselves. Relaxing on the couch, they decide to watch some videos. Even though they are on their own time, Qui-Gon is still the teacher and he chooses a video that has educational value. This one is about the Fellatio and Obi-Wan is happy to see his lesson from earlier in the day come to life on the screen. He appears rapt, caught up in the joys of learning and Qui-Gon is no better. They are both pointing out things that are of particular interest to them. The Jedi are serious scholars and are always willing to learn new things. When the video is over, Qui-Gon, still in teacher mode, tells Obi-Wan that they will be sure to go over anything that his student has any questions about, but now it is time for bed.
However, after kissing his student good night, Qui-Gon finds out that his day is not quite over yet. There is one more problem for him to deal with. His apprentice has an itch. It is obviously a very intense itch, as Obi-Wan is flushed and sweating. Being a good Master, Qui-Gon wants very much to help Obi-Wan with his dilemma. Using his fingers and some gel he keeps by the bed just for problems like this, he tries to give his Padawan some relief, but this only seems to inflame the itch. It seems that something much bigger and longer than his fingers is required. The Master hates to see his Padawan suffer and is anxious to help him, but what can Qui-Gon use to scratch this itch? Luckily for Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon is, as always, a very resourceful Jedi and when he checks his pants, he finds he has just the right tool for the job.
Making sure to properly oil his equipment, Qui-Gon eases his tool into the affected area and begins to vigorously rub the itch. It is a very stubborn itch, however, and Qui-Gon needs to rub quite hard, changing the angle of his tool until Obi-Wan tells him he's found the right spot. Now Qui-Gon can really go to work and he gives it his all, using all of a Jedi's impressive strength and stamina to keep rubbing the tool into the afflicted spot until he can be sure the problem is relieved. Obi-Wan often calls out encouragement to his Master, which seems to be needed as Qui-Gon is obviously working quite hard, if his sweaty, flushed face and strangled moans of exertion are anything to go by. Over and over, Qui-Gon pushes his tool into the itch, the force of the tool's thrusts making both he and his apprentice shake. In goes the tool, out goes the tool in a steadily increasing rhythm meant to relieve this demanding itch. Just as it appears that both Master and apprentice are going to overheat and collapse, Obi-Wan screams in relief, indicating that the itch has been tamed. Qui-Gon cries out happily and, after using his tool to apply some cream to the troublesome area, he collapses beside his ever grateful student.
After making sure that all the equipment used is cleaned and put away, the Jedi are now quite ready to go to sleep. Even when they are not on a mission, it seems that Jedi spend the day solving many problems. Spent by their efforts, the Jedi happily sleep after an exhausting, but typical, day.
The end
Questions for discussion:
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?
Would you eat Beaver and juice or do you prefer Sausage with dumplings?
What kind of tools do you suppose Jedi keep in their pants?