Warnings: Angsty sad stuff ahead, beware! Appearance of
Bastard!Qui-Gon.
Not happy-fic.
Spoilers: none
Feedback appreciated
Disclaimers: I don't own them, for which they are probably
grateful. No offense meant, blah blah blah. I'm not making any
money off this, please don't sue.
Notes: Set about 8 years post-TPM. But Naboo never happened, no
one here has heard of Anakin or any Chosen One. ;) Qui and Obi
had a bonding ceremony approximately 10 years ago. Also, I
wrote this while listening to "End of the World" by Skeeter
Davis on repeat, for about an hour and a half or so.
Thanks to Debbie, Keely, Marnee, and Kaly for pushing me to
post and helping with the headers. ;)
Summary: Obi-Wan writes in his journal as he ponders his
relationship with Qui-Gon
I started writing this journal not long after I was taken as
Qui-Gon's padawan. It was his idea, so that I would have a
record of my training. At first, that's all it was, just dates
and times and accomplishments. But then I started writing my
thoughts, my feelings, everything. It's become a confessor of
sorts - I might not write every day, but I write enough.
Whenever I have to. Whenever I want to. Whenever there's
something I'm trying to work through, trying to figure out, and
meditating isn't helping.
Like now.
Because my world is falling apart.
Because...
He's...he's going to leave me. Qui-Gon is going to leave me. I
know he is.
Oh, this isn't another of my petulant fits either, a petty
fight between us that has gone on a little too long. No, this
is different.
He's cheating on me.
I know he is. It's not just one thing that's made it obvious to
me, it's little things. You don't spend nearly 20 years with
the same person and not know them intimately, not know them
possibly better than they know themselves. I've seen the looks,
the way he no longer smiles when he says my name, the lack of a
sex life we've had recently. I can't remember the last time we
had a real conversation, we speak about missions and nothing
more. I've noticed also how he's begun to tightly shield
against me in the middle of the night, when he thinks I've gone
to sleep. As though I could sleep when he was away from me, out
of our bed.
The first time it happened...I thought that he must be having a
bit of insomnia and not want to wake me. Understandable. Four
times a week, though, and I was suspicious. Especially when he
always seemed as refreshed as normal in the mornings. Before
this, he had seemed a bit more distant than usual, but I
thought he was in just another of his infamous moods. What a
fool I was. After two weeks of his disappearance act and I knew
something was wrong, but I still naively thought there could be
an innocent explanation for everything.
Oh how I wish there had been.
But he slipped. His shields slipped, and through our bond - our
lifebond!!! - I felt his pleasure as he thrust, as he
orgasmed into another man. I was shocked, stunned, sickened. I
couldn't believe it. I pushed out a bit, tentatively, and
suddenly I was there. It was for only a split second, but there
I was. Watching as my love...as the other half of my
soul...fucked Mace Windu. Fucked...a crude word, but
nothing about what he was doing with Windu had anything to do
with love. It was lust, pure and simple. I returned to my own
mind, strengthened my shields, and cried myself to sleep.
When I next saw him, he acted as though nothing had changed. I
suppose he wasn't aware of his 'lapse' the previous evening. I
was prepared to confront him, to find out why - was I
not good enough for him anymore, was he sick of me, had he gone
insane - but there was an urgent message for me. I was
being sent on a solo mission, one to a rather primitive planet,
where communications would be infrequent and brief, and I was
to leave immediately. What a surprise, considering Windu was
senior council. I should have been incensed to know that a
council member would stoop so low, sending me off on a long
mission so he could have my lover to himself. But nothing could
shock me any more, not after that glimpse last night. Even now,
months later, I shudder to think about it.
So I went. Went to this Force-forsaken world, where
negotiations are heading into their 6th month. And I know that
every night my lover lies with another, while occasionally
sending me a short note inquiring as to my welfare and filling
me in on various Temple gossip. I noticed that he's been
mentioning Mace more and more - does he truly think me a fool?
This primitive planet also conveniently has a taboo against
same-sex relationships, so Qui-Gon doesn't even have to make
any excuses as to why he can't come visit me. Every night I
foolishly hope that he'll send me a message, contact me through
our bond, anything. Anything to let me know that he's regained
his senses. That he isn't throwing away us for
him.
The treaties will be signed tomorrow. Finally, I will be able
to return home...but now I'm not sure what kind of home it is.
Qui-Gon wants to talk to me. I received a message when I
returned from the final talks tonight. He's meeting me at the
port tomorrow, and I know it won't be good news. At least for
me.
Three Days Later
He's done it. He's actually done it. I can't believe I'm such a
tottering mess. But he's done it.
He petitioned the Council to have our bond dissolved.
Our bond. Our bond!!! He has been a presence in my mind
for 20 years - and now he wants to have it dissolved, to no
longer be a part of my life. I was expecting it but I wasn't
ready for it. When he first told me - he said we had 'grown
apart', no mention of his other lover - I screamed and I cursed
and I railed against him. I informed him I knew all about his
affair with Windu - Qui was shocked that I knew. Shocked. He
truly did think me a fool! After arguing - endless, endless
arguments - he left our quarters. Ran to the arms of his...I
was going to say 'other' love, but I guess that's not right
anymore is it? He was running to the arms of his love. I'm no
longer his love, his beloved, his anything. I'm numb.
Six Months Later
It's been so long since I wrote anything in this journal...I
suppose I should have, considering my life these past few
months. I objected to the dissolution - some ridiculous part of
me thought I wanted him back. That I wanted back the man who
had lied to me and slept with another when he was supposed to
be my bondmate. But I didn't want him back. I wanted the
man who had been my Master, the strong noble man I had fallen
in love with. The man I had 'saved' myself for. What a joke.
Now I wonder if that man ever existed. Was I blinded by
devotion to my master? I never thought so, not until this
happened. I'm finding it increasingly hard to function without
him. It's ridiculous. I feel so...groundless. I've never had
many particularly close friends, at least none that I've kept
up with since my knighting. Just a few acquaintances. But now
that I'm alone, I've realized how pathetic this is - my entire
life was wrapped up in him. My every waking moment. Now when I
wake up, I sometimes feel shocked that everything seems
so...normal. Even though my heart has been torn and shredded. I
feel...I feel used. Like I was something for him to shape and
mold and make into the person he wanted me to be, but when I
started to change - I suppose I must have changed, otherwise
why would he leave - he threw me away. He got tired of me. I
thought our bond was forever. And it didn't even last a decade.
I don't know how to live without him. Me, a Jedi Knight. I've
trained my entire life, had success on solo missions, many
successes in fact. But I always had the rock of Qui-Gon Jinn to
lean on. Since he left, I've been...less than effective. I've
tried, oh I have tried so hard. I've spoken with healers -
well, soul healers. It was part of the 'dissolution process.' I
spoke with Yoda, the only other Jedi I've ever felt entirely
comfortable with. No one helps. They all think I should have
gotten over it by now. "It's just a failed romance, Obi-Wan!
Suck it up!" That's not what they say, but that's what they
think. I can see it in their eyes. The few acquaintances I did
have no longer have any contact with me. I suppose I was too
morose for them. So here I sit, in my new quarters on the far
side of the Temple, while Qui-Gon is having a bonding ceremony
with Mace Windu. While he's celebrating, surrounded by half the
Temple, everyone wishing the two of them good luck. Like they
did with us 10 years ago. I suppose I was wrong about them only
being in lust. Or maybe not. Maybe in 10 years he'll dissolve
this bonding as well.
Archive 